HI! I'm back :) I was out of the country for just over 2 weeks and then I had to get back into the swing of life! And writing, of course. It's not very long. Just a quick snippet compared to some of the others. But I hope you enjoy it.


Carson peered down at his shirt and checked to see that everything looked proper before he returned his gaze to the window of the car. The vibration mingled with the excitement and relief that was coursing through his body. Like electric, he felt his skin buzz and the hairs on his arms stand on end. It was like his body was humming with the anticipation of returning home. Returning to normality. As he looked at the faces in a passing crowd he couldn't help but smile. They all looked happy, content and at ease. They all looked blissful like they didn't have a care in the world. They were laughing. Maybe it was because he was feeling so content himself that he noticed it? It was nice to see. So many years had they been trapped in the war. Many lost faces and souls. The burdens of the people carried in every frown and tear as if the village had enveloped the fallen. So many men lost. So many families ripped apart. The village was a part of him, and he had felt it deeply. Seeing people getting on with their lives was amazing to see. It was if the world was embarking on a new adventure with him. Standing on the threshold of untapped happiness and energy, he felt like he was going to burst. Getting home would be like uncorking it and letting it all be free.

In contrast to the bright sunshine, happy people and Carson's inner excitement, the inside of the car didn't feel quite so warm. There was a tight air of tension emanating from the young woman who was perched on the edge of her seat as she gazed, without purpose, at the sky above them. They hadn't been in the car long, but in those few moments, she had not said a word. Instead, she sat rigidly and on edge, and he could see that the skin on her knuckles was now white and taut. The expression on her face was glum, troubled and worried, and he knew that she was worried about going home. The stark reality of being tucked up in the hospital and away from the real world had come crashing down in her own mind. The reality of being surrounded by memories and her family had put her on edge. It was not a sign of weakness, because she had come so far. It was just another hurdle that she had to climb with him helping her in any way that he could. Once she got back into the swing of things she would likely be well, but the anticipation and forethought would be enough to put anyone's nerves on edge given what they had been through.

Returning his eyes to the window, his mind running through how best to strike a conversation, he peered out in the direction of the Abbey. In a short while, he was going to see it with his own eyes. The house that stood so tall and majestic amongst the Yorkshire countryside like a huge and well-sculpted giant. The beacon of the people. The jewel of his eye. The gem that nestled itself into the rolling green hills like it had been there for an eternity. Carson was happy to be going back again. There was nothing but excitement coursing through his veins at the prospect of being back within the comforting walls that he had walked behind for so many years. Having the familiar sense that the walls created around him, feeling the sturdy floor beneath his feet and having everything that he held dear nearby was enough to make his heartbeat feverishly as he waited with anticipation. It was like a comfort blanket to him. As well as that he knew that he would be back to being close to Mrs Hughes. Elsie. His Elsie. The smile on his face matched the people outside of the car.

The sun was shining high in the sky and not a cloud was to be spotted as he peered up into the pale blue that encompassed the heavens above him. When he had stepped foot out of the hospital, a small bag in his hand, he took in a deep breath of that warm air and let out a sigh. It had dawned on him that it had been such a long time since he had felt so good. It was as if anything and everything that he had been carrying around with him and been lifted from his shoulders. The new world that he was going to traverse was a little daunting, but all that was pushed aside when he pictured Mrs Hughes in his mind. Although they were unsure of what their future was going to hold, it didn't matter all that much because he knew that she would be with him regardless. There was not a thought more comforting, not a feeling purer and not a vision warmer.

The car bumped over a small pothole, and Carson turned to look at Mary once more. Nothing had changed. Across her delicate face sat a look of worry and apprehension. When she had stood by his side as the car had turned up outside of the hospital he had asked her if she was feeling well. Nothing came from her lips. Instead, she turned to look at him and gave him a faint smile and a weak nod of the head. Carson knew that she was dreading being home because with familiarity would come the rush of longing. Matthew would be everywhere to her. She was being strong, however, he could tell that she was determined to get past this so she could be the mother she needed to be for her son.

"My Lady?" Carson said softly, the car jolting him sideways so he bumped his shoulder against the side of the car. When he had said he would sit in the front, she had given him a look and told him she would prefer it if he sat in the back with her. It didn't feel right, but he knew that it was what she wanted. It made him feel a little uncomfortable as he looked to the space ahead of him in the car that he should have been sitting in. If she felt it better that he was by her side then he would not complain. He would let the discomfort ride with him, but he would do as she said.

"I know you're worried, Carson," Mary said quite flatly, the delicate lines of worry on her face never moving as she spoke. "And I understand why. I am fine. Truly."

"My Lady," he said with a soothing tone, watching her face with intense curiosity as she moved her head slightly to the side. Not quite enough so she was looking at him though. "It's quite fine to feel apprehensive about returning home. It'll bring back feelings, moments and things you had likely forgotten about. You have come so far and overcome so much. I know you have the strength in you to do this." Carson waited for her to look at him before he continued. "May I say something?"

"I don't think I could stop you even if I tried," she said as the edge of her mouth curled upwards slightly. "Not that I mind. I know you want the best for me and would never offer words if you did not deem them useful or appropriate."

Carson nodded and cleared his throat gently. As he sat there, looking at her face, feeling warm and proud like a Father would, he took a moment to watch her features. Carson had become well versed, over the years, and especially over the previous weeks, at how she was doing by how she held herself. The strength that was oozing out of her like the rays from the sun was blinding. It had been a long and treacherous path, like climbing the highest mountain in the world with no experience. And yet there she sat, a light behind her eyes that he had not seen in a long time. She was coming to life again like the blossom after a long winter. It made his chest puff out. "I feel very proud of you, My Lady. Very proud indeed."

"I don't know what for," she scoffed. "I don't feel like I have done anything worthy of that." Mary squeezed the edge of her seat again as she thought about the days that had unfolded. Then she thought about the things that she had said to Matthew the night before and it made her close her eyes so she could picture his wonderful face.

"Think back to all of our conversations. Think back to how you were before all of this. How lost you were. You have come so far, Lady Mary. A lot further than you know. You have an element of determination behind you now. You want to do well. You want to be there for your son." Carson's whole face had drooped into that soppy look that he had that resembled that of a Bassett Hound.

Mary sighed. "I do. I really do. I know that he is the final piece to the mess that is my broken heart. I know I need to see him, hold him, show him that I am going to be his Mama. I need to show him the love that he is never going to have from his Father. I sat last night and thought about what I would say to him when he is old enough to comprehend my words. How can I truly put Matthew into words? What is the substance of him? I know Matthew. I know everything about him like he is the oxygen that I need to live. But how do you put that into words so a child can understand who their Father was so that they feel like they he knew him without ever doing so? I need to spend some time to think about it so I can do it properly. I need to be his Mama. I need to."

Carson nodded. "You will stand to the task with all of the passion you have within you. You will do a wonderful job. There is not a single doubt in my mind."

"You might find me silly. I sat last night, watching the sun go down in the garden. I wanted to enjoy the silence and simplicity just that little bit longer. I wanted to think. I spoke to him as if he was real as if he could hear the things that I was saying to him. The thing that shook me was thinking that if I get back to my normal self, get over this grief, that I will get over him. If I get over him I fear that I'll begin to forget him. I'll forget the little things that make him who he was to me, who he was to himself. I don't want things to weaken. I don't want things to fade."

Carson took a moment to think about what it was she was saying. "I would never find you silly, My Lady. I think that you'll never truly be free of him. When someone you hold so dear is taken away from you, there is something that will stay with you for as long as you walk this earth. Talking to him can be cathartic in its own right. Some things do not need a reply, they just need to be spoken so you can hear them with your own ears." Carson stared out of the windscreen as he thought about what else to say, and then an idea dawned on him. "May I suggest something, My Lady?"

"Please," Mary pleaded as if she had been waiting for him to say something that might help her. Out of everyone in her life she knew that he always had something to say that would lift her.

"All of these things that you don't want to forget. All of the little things that you worry that you will lose as you move forward with your life. Maybe you should take the time to write them down? In time you would no doubt end up with a whole cascade of things that you do not want to forget. You could put pictures in it, letters in it. Whatever you decide."

"Wouldn't that be a little silly? Like a scrapbook, a child would make?" Mary had twisted her body towards Carson as if the idea had caught her attention. There was doubt in her words but her eyes were saying that it might be enough to help her in her quest.

Carson gave his head a gentle shake. "Well, My Lady, I wouldn't see that as being silly. With everything that's going on, it might remind you of the things that you want to show Master George. It would be for your eyes only if you see that as being the case. They do say that sometimes putting things to paper can help."

Mary turned her eyes to the outside world. In the distance, she could see the Abbey coming into view. The majestic yellow walls with the contrasting dark features that gave it an ominous look in the right light. The reaching peaks of the towers, the tall windows that lined the edges and the broad giant trees that stood as protectors of the estate. As it stood so prominent in its surroundings, the trees and rolling hills, foleys and curving driveway, she pictured his face as they walked over the fields. Then she thought about the fact she couldn't remember the name of Matthew's star and how she had berated herself for forgetting its real name. "I think I might like to try," Mary said quietly. "I can write them as I remember them."

"I'll get a selection of blank books sent to you. So you can pick the right one." Carson nodded and made a mental note to make that one of his first tasks. There was going to be a lot that he needed to do when he got back, and he knew that he wouldn't be working right away so that would be the perfect time to arrange the things to help her.

Mary turned herself so that she wasn't looking at the daunting view of the Abbey, her stomach knotting as she thought about the times that she had walked around it with Matthew by her side. Resting her eyes on Carson, who was peering out of her window at the Abbey, she felt herself think about how thankful she was to have him in her life. Since she could remember he had been there for her time after time without ever asking for anything in return. It made her determined to make sure that he was able to start his life with Mrs Hughes without any issue. Of course, she knew it was also because she couldn't do without it. The fact that she had nearly lost him because of her own selfish actions had been painful enough. Knowing that one day she would have to do without him made her feel sad. That kindness behind his eyes. The big brow of his that always showed what he was truly thinking. The way he had to get everything done correctly. They had been so lucky to have him, even if they had not always seen it as such. "Do you know what also worries me, Carson?"

"Whatever it is, My Lady, we can get through it." Carson gave her a reassuring nod.

Mary smiled. "I don't think everything can be navigated sometimes," she paused to watch as he tilted his head with curiosity. "I worry that one day I will have to walk this earth, these grounds and this life without you. I will have to find a way to lift myself up in your absence and without your unyielding loyalty and care. I suppose the loss of Matthew brings forth the concept of mortality and the fact that immortality is impossible. So, the people in my life that I care about are never going to always be with me. I just don't know if I can lose the last of the men who understand me and help me keep myself tall."

Carson could feel a ball of sadness catch in his throat. In his head, he knew that one day he would have to leave his post. One day he would not be there to help her when she so desperately needed it. It was hard, and he knew that the transition out of the house would be one of the hardest he would ever have to do. Of course, though, he also knew that he would do whatever he could until there was not a single breath left in his body. It was in him to give her everything she needed, even if it was not required. The care he had for her was not confined to the boundaries of his role and his door would always be open. "I will be by your side as long as I can, My Lady, and I know you know that. Even when I can no longer do the job that I love with all of my heart, I will always have an open door, an open ear and a shoulder for you for whenever you need. Whilst there is still witts about my brain, fire inside my heart and air inside my lungs, My Lady. Whatever you need and whatever is in my power is yours. You do have more about you than you think though, Lady Mary. You are strong. You are built to take this world in your hands and make it into something beautiful. The confidence is in there, and you just need to set it free. You can do it."

"You just always know what to say. Always. We are so lucky to have you. I hope you know that we appreciate everything you do, even if we don't always say it." Mary smiled and reached out to take his hand to squeeze it. "Really."

Carson felt his head expand with happiness, and he gave her a cheek hurting smile. "Thank you, My Lady."

"No, Carson. Thank YOU." Mary gave his hand another squeeze before letting it go. They were working their way up the drive now. They were close. "And what about, Mrs Hughes?" she said quietly. "Will she despair when I stand in your doorway whilst requesting your help?"

"Mrs Hughes is a strong woman like yourself. She has her ways and she feels strongly. We do not know the path in which our relationship will move yet. I know I must talk to his Lordship and hope that there will be no impact there. But she knows that I am loyal to you, My Lady. I love her very much. And I care very deeply for you and she knows and accepts that even if she doesn't fully understand it."

"I must say over the past few days I have seen another side to her. She'll keep you on your toes," Mary smirked.

Carson chuckled. "She's been keeping me on my toes for many years, My Lady."

The car rolled up at the front of the house. Mary had put her eyes on her hands when they had gotten close, not wanting to see if there were multiple people outside to greet her. Their thoughts would be visible through their eyes. There would be forced happiness to cloud worry, jokes and laughter to avoid awkwardness. Mary just wanted to get this part out of the way so she could concentrate on getting back to normal. Of course, she knew that it was only because they cared and worried about her. They would likely tiptoe around her for a while, pander to every wish and watch her under scrutiny for weeks to come. They wouldn't want another problem. Now most of them knew what her intentions had been, she knew that they would all reach out to her and see how she was doing at regular intervals. Mary had to try her hardest not to get annoyed with them, to not feel suffocated by their care and love. If she required space, she had to make it and not be forceful when attempting to get it.

The car stopped. This was it. This was the beginning of a new part in her life. It had to be.

"You can do this, My Lady," Carson whispered, keeping his eyes on her as she stared at her hands. "One step at a time. We're all with you."

Mary nodded her head, twisting her fingers together as she took in a deep breath. Carson was right. She was going to do it as he had said and like she had told Matthew. It was going to be hard, of course, it was, but she didn't want to cry any longer. So, with everything that she had, she lifted her head and gave Carson a nod. "Shall we?"