Prisma19: Those pictures... think about them when reading this story, ok?
Dick: what?
Jason: No idea.
Don't try it, it's an inside thing.
Tim: um... ok.
Damian: are you talking about the picture of me riding a cow?
Dick, Jason, Tim: WHAT?!
And the one with Slade.
Damian: ok.
And that's something I'm thinking of doing. For anyone who reads this story, if you want, I may occasionally post various drawings that could contain spoilers for any future chapters. If I do this, look for them on Tumblr (account name: kmswit)
"Is this the one where the kid climbs up the beanstalk and steals a harp from a giant?" Damian asked. Dick smiled at him.
"I thought you were totally unfamiliar with all of these stories," he said. Damian huffed and crossed his arms.
"I'm not COMPLETELY unfamiliar with them," he said. "Just most of them."
"This one not included," Dick inquired. Damian nodded. An idea struck Dick.
"Say… do you think it was right of the kid to steal from the giant?" he asked. Damian sighed.
"If you want to make me Jack, then go ahead," he said. "I will happily steal from the rich people."
"Damian is Robin Hood now," Jason said. This warranted laughter out of Dick, Tim, and Barbara. Everyone else was only brave enough to smile.
"I do not know who that is," Damian said. Tim looked at Dick, an unspoken question in his eyes. Dick nodded. Tim smiled at him. Dick cracked his knuckles.
"All right, let's do this!" he exclaimed.
Once upon a time, there was a little shit named Damian.
The first line got everyone to laugh. Alfred didn't even make an appearance.
He and his unimportant, unnamed mother were very poor and were about to starve, because none of our other stories are like this.
Everyone started laughing again. Tim suddenly gasped and stuck his hand in the air like a kindergartner.
"Yeah, Tim?" Dick asked. Tim smiled sheepishly at him.
"Remember The Magic Oatmeal Pot?" he asked. Dick nodded. "When you were first telling that story, I thought it sounded a lot like Jack and the Beanstalk. Well, what if-"
"I know exactly what's coming out of your mouth," Dick said, a big grin on his face. "And I'm personally alright with it."
So, his mother isn't unnamed, but she's still rather unimportant. Her name was Selena, and she was married to farmer Bruce, but farmer Bruce wasn't there at the time, because he was busy burying gold somewhere. In the time he had been gone, Damian had been born and had no idea they were actually rich, since farmer Bruce took ALL the money and was burying it. The idiot.
"Makes sense for his character," Jason said, nodding approvingly. "I can see that happening."
Barbara coughed into her elbow, a smile on her face.
Selena told Damian to go and sell their last cow. He grumbled and complained the whole time, but he went ahead and did it.
When he got to the market, instead of seeing a crazy old man who complements him on his cow, he saw a crazy old man who complemented-
WAIT A SECOND.
Dick's eyebrows were pulled together in deep thought. He was staring straight ahead, his lips pressed together in a thin line.
"What's wrong?" Steph asked. Dick took a deep breath.
"Guys, don't freak out, but I'm pretty sure the two stories are connected," he said. Tim frowned at him.
"Yes, we've established that they are similar," he said. "But that doesn't mean they're one in the same."
"What if the old man from The Magic Oatmeal Pot was the same old man from THIS story?" Dick asked. "I mean, think about it, this crazy old man walks up to the main character and trades the cow for a magical item that leads the main character, who was poor and decided to trade the cow, to untold riches."
Everyone was silent for a moment. Barbara shook her head.
"Now you're just making connections where there aren't any," she said. "Dick, don't overanalyze this."
"Yeah," Cass chimed in. "These are just children's stories. You don't need to think so hard."
"First of all, I feel very disappointed in you," Dick said. This made the boys snicker. Mari and Jake rolled their eyes at each other before giggling. "You guys AREN'T overanalyzing these children's stories. Second of all, WE'RE BATS; it's our JOB to overanalyze EVERYTHING."
Barbara shrugged.
"Whatever. Just get back to the story," she said. Dick nodded.
So, the old man complemented the cow, offered three beans, Damian started walking away, heard the word 'magic', took the beans, and went home.
Selena, who didn't learn her lesson about magical items and crazy old men, didn't like the beans so she threw them on the ground, stomped on them a couple times, and tried to drown them, just for good measure.
"Jeez, lady, why don't you grab the chainsaw in the shed next," Jason said. Everyone either groaned or snickered at his comment.
What she didn't expect, for some strange reason, was for the beans to start glowing and shaking, and then for a GIANT BEANSTALK to grow right in front of them!
Damian didn't even say anything, just gave her a look, and started climbing the beanstalk, because, you know, kids.
"EXCUSE ME, I AM MORE MATURE THAN YOU," Damian said. Dick smiled and nodded.
"Yeah, I know that," he said. Damian glared at him, crossing his arms.
When he finally reached the top, he saw a giant castle!
"Considering the fact that giants live there, it must be pretty big," Cass thought aloud. Steph nodded agreement.
Damian only stared at it for a moment before deciding to go there. He raced off across the cloud lawn, silently praying to whatever entity exists that he wouldn't fall.
Damian scoffed, making no other sounds. Dick took this as a sign, though a sign for what, he had no idea.
He knocked on the door, not expecting any answer. It was opened by a GIANT WOMAN.
"Alright, who's up for cannibalism?" Dick asked. Jason coughed, Tim whistled, and Damian stuck a hand in the air.
"Deathstroke," he said. Mari's eyes widened, Jake's mouth dropped open, and everyone else laughed. Dick nodded.
"Alright, I think I can do that," he said. "And the female can be Rose."
"Rose?" Mari asked. Dick nodded again.
"Yeah… Ravager."
So it was Rose who opened the door. Now, she'll deny it to the ends of the Earth and kill anyone who accuses her of it to her face, but she flips her hair A LOT. She's embarrassed about it.
Mari whispered something in Jake's ear. He smiled and nodded, mumbling something back to her, which made her smile as well.
With a flip of her hair, she knelt so she could see Damian better.
"You know, my dad eats kids for breakfast," she said. "It's a nightmare to watch, and the screaming makes me sick, so I'd run away if I were you."
Damian frowned.
"You aren't going to immediately hand me over to your father?" he asked. Rose scoffed and flipped her hair.
"I just told you, the screaming makes me sick," she said. Damian nodded.
"Yeah, you mentioned that."
The ground started shaking. Rose cursed. She scooped up Damian and shoved him in the cupboard.
"Wait, I thought Ravager is a bad guy?" Steph asked. Cass, Mari, and Jake mumbled some agreements. Dick shrugged.
"Well, sometimes she is, sometimes she isn't," he said. "She just kinda does her own thing."
"I thought she had a crush on you, didn't she?" Tim asked. He had a barely visible smirk on his face. Dick glared at him.
"For a little bit, she did," he said. "She even tried to kill Kory at our wedding, but I convinced her not to."
"I wish I could've been there," Jason said. He sighed. "But alas, I was dead."
This made Dick bend over laughing. When he finally calmed down, he took a deep breath to continue.
"Stay in here and don't make a sound," Rose instructed. When she closed the door, Damian whispered 'sound.' He then crawled over to the door and pushed it open slightly so that he could peek outside. He saw another giant, this time a male, stomp into the kitchen.
"FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!" he shouted. Rose frowned to herself.
"That doesn't rhyme," she said. Slade crossed his arms in front of her.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"'Englishman' doesn't rhyme with 'fum'," she said.
"It does if you pronounce it 'english-mun'," Slade said. Rose scoffed.
"Who says it like that?"
"I says it like that."
"Deathstroke is NOT that stupid," Damian said. "He may be our enemy, but he is an expert tactician."
"Yeah, he's also an expert kidnapper," Jason said darkly. The temperature in the room seemed to go down. Mari and Jake shared a confused look, neither quite understanding what Jason was talking about.
Dick cleared his throat and continued the story.
Rose tossed a plate of sausages on the table in front of him.
"Besides, you weren't smelling a human, you were smelling these sausages," she said. Slade ate all of them, then walked into the other room with Rose.
Damian had no idea how long he was there because the original story never said, but he was there long enough for the giant to fall asleep, so let's assume it's nighttime now. He snuck out of the cupboard and started making a beeline for the exit when he saw a large bag of gold on the table.
Don't asl how a child was able to carry a bag of gold big enough to fit in a giant's pocket. I have no idea. This story has a lot of problems that were never properly addressed.
This seemed to lift the tension in the air, at least a little bit.
Damian took the gold and shimmied down the beanstalk. Or maybe he jumped, I don't know. But at the bottom, he gave the money to Selena and she bought two cows. And they ate and ate as much as they wanted.
"That sounds like 'The End'," Steph started.
"But, knowing you, there's going to be a 'But wait… there's more!'" Damian continued. Dick smirked.
"You guys know me so well," he said fondly.
The little shit couldn't leave it at that. He decided to climb back up the beanstalk and see what else he could steal, cause stealing from giants is too darn easy. He knocked on the door, which was once again opened by Rose, who flipped her hair.
"Oh, it's you," she said. "Listen, I'm not pointing fingers, but I'm like 90% sure that you stole my dad's bag of gold last time you were here," she said. Damian scoffed.
"What happened to not pointing fingers?" he asked. Rose rolled her eyes and flipped her hair again.
"Last time was a friendly warning, this time I don't want something else stolen," she said. The ground shook again, and Damian darted for the cupboard. Rose helped him inside before closing the door.
"FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!" he exclaimed. Rose rolled her eyes.
"Are you going to say that every time you come inside?" she asked. Slade crossed his arms.
"It's only because I DO smell someone," he said. Rose slapped him slightly.
"Say 'someone' next time instead of 'englishman'," she said. "It actually rhymes."
"We are not getting into this again," Slade said. She set a plate of cooked chicken in front of him.
"You are a true idiot," she said. Slade glared at her and stuck a chicken leg in his mouth. I know he's more refined than that, but the idea of Slade with a piece of chicken sticking out of his mouth makes me smile.
This made everyone started chuckling. Not enough for full-born laughter, but it put smiles on everyone's faces.
Rose walked out of the room. When she was gone, Slade slammed a golden goose down on the table-
"No!" Jason suddenly exclaimed. Everyone reared back in shock.
"NO?" Dick asked. "What do you mean 'no'?"
"I mean 'no, don't use a golden chicken'," Jason said. Damian coughed into his fist, but it sounded suspiciously like 'goose'.
"If not a goose, then what?" Steph asked. Jason's smile was unnerving, an evil smile worthy of Dick.
"It should be the return of Asshole!" he said. There was a certain childlike excitement to him that made Dick break within seconds.
"Fine," he grumbled. "It's not a goose, it's Asshole."
Mari leaned close to Jake and whispered in his ear. A look of understanding came across his face.
So, Slade slammed Asshole back down on the table. He shouted something incoherent, and Asshole spit a piece of gold into his face, which knocked him unconscious.
Damian ran out of the cupboard and tapped on Asshole's… shoulder?
Dick was silent for a moment.
And tapped on his head. Asshole gave him a very goaty look.
"Um… Asshole? I get the feeling that you wouldn't wanna stay with this giant, so here's my offer: I give you back to my brother in exchange for, like, ten pieces of gold. Deal?"
Asshole blinked slowly at him. Damian opened and closed his mouth.
"I'll just take that as a yes," he said. He ran off, turning around occasionally to make sure the goat was following.
He was.
They both hopped down the giant leaves of the beanstalk. Asshole spit out ten pieces of gold for Damian, who led him to Jason, who was thrilled to have his goat back.
"I won't send my stick after you," he said. Damian nodded and headed back home.
"I love how these stories are all just one collective universe now," Jason said. Everyone agreed. Steph looked around, suddenly on edge.
"What's wrong?" Tim asked her.
"Where's Barbara?" she asked. Now everyone looked around.
"ALFRED, DO YOU KNOW WHERE BABS IS?!" Dick called into the kitchen. Alfred's voice came from behind him, which made him jump. The old englishman's face was devoid of any emotion, but there was a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.
"Master Barbara is down in the cave, checking to see if Master Bruce is 'trolling everyone,'" he said. Dick scoffed.
"Sounds like something he would do," he said. Alfred turned back around and walked away. Jason shivered.
"This is gonna sound bad, but something about Alfred scares me," he whispered. Dick smirked at him.
"It's probably the fact that he can tell Batman what to do without any repercussions," he said.
When Damian finally got back, instead of going inside, he climbed the beanstalk again. He knocked on the door once again, and Rose's face was the first thing he saw.
"Alright, I tried being helpful, but now you're getting on my nerves," she said. Damian shrugged.
"All fairness, that goat actually belonged to my brother," he said. Rose rolled her eyes.
"Whatever. Go away!"
The ground started shaking, so Damian darted underneath the table.
"FEE FI F-"
"He's in the cupboard," Rose interrupted him. Slade cleared his throat and looked in the cupboard, but Damian wasn't in there.
"Dammit, he must have decided to hide somewhere else," she said. Damian crawled slightly further into the darkness underneath the table, his foot accidentally hitting a golden harp.
"Ooh, pretty," he whispered. The harp hummed. Damian got an idea. "Could you play me something?"
He covered his ears as the harp started playing a beautiful melody. She was so good, that Slade and Rose both fell to the floor, sleeping. Damian uncovered his ears and grabbed the harp, hightailing it out of there.
Now, in the original, the harp started screaming, the giant woke up and chased Jack, inevitably falling to his doom when Jack cut down the beanstalk. Since you guys already attempted to murder him and failed miserably, the harp in my version of the story was silent and Damian cut down the beanstalk without killing anybody. And he and his mother lived happily ever after. Farmer Bruce was very confused about the sudden gold.
The End.
"I didn't kill anybody?" Damian asked, sounding somewhat upset. Dick smiled at him and shook his head. Damian let out a disappointed sigh.
"Oh, well," he said.
"Next story up is Liam and the Fairy Cattle."
