"Hey, how was your day?" Celeste greeted Jess with a casual kiss, as he got back to the apartment after a long work day. They'd been almost missing each other the past few days - him staying at the house until late hours trying to get the place fixed to move in before they had to hand over his rental.
Her sleeping schedule had been erratic at best, trying to forestall her morning sickness and as the weather had been hot and humid, and she just hadn't been able to sleep in the mornings, going out for a run or to the gym in the mornings if she felt like it, feeling like she hadn't been moving herself enough.
"Hey," he replied, smilingly. He'd missed her too, her presence, but recently he struggled to really be present himself, being caught up in his own worries, feeling like she could see right through her.
"Are you hungry?" she asked, heading towards the kitchen, in her bamboo halter dress flowing in the cross breeze of the two open windows cooling the apartment. She had a reluctance towards air-conditioning, as it made her throat ache when the contraste in temperatures was that significant.
"I could eat," he replied, heading for the bathroom to run cold water over his face and neck to cool off.
"Chicken tortilla's?" she asked from the kitchen, taking out the filling she'd made earlier from the fridge. It was too hot to eat anything warm anyways.
"Sound fine," he replied, as he returned, while Celeste was rolling up two tortillas for him.
"The clinic called with my results today," Celeste announced, placing his plate onto the small kitchen table, continuing to pour herself and him a glass of cold water.
"Oh yeah? Everything okay?" Jess asked, swallowing a sip of water.
"Yeah, my tests were fine. They told me the gender," she said, hesitantly, unsure if he wanted to know. Ever since the last doctor's appointment he'd seemed more distant, but she couldn't be sure. Maybe it was just that they'd been around each other less, but the thought that perhaps he wasn't dealing with everything as well as she'd thought before, was difficult to shake.
He hesitated a moment. They were still three weeks away from the magic 12-week line, and while he'd grown already accustomed to the news in general, any new bit of information seemed to make it more and more real.
"Tell me," Jess said, thinking it would've been weird if he didn't want to know now. Not knowing would've been for his own self-protection and her having all the information, and getting along in the thought process alone didn't seem right either.
"It's a girl," she said smilingly, her face lighting up. He knew she'd always imagined having a girl - that was her dream.
"A girl," he reflected, briefly almost choking on his tortilla. He might have some experience with Doula, but he could just imagine the struggles of raising one. "Okay," he sighed, not really sure what else to say.
"What do you think? Are you disappointed?" Celeste asked.
He finished chewing and swallowed before replying. "I know how you wanted a girl, so I think that's great," he added. He hadn't pictured anything concrete before, just a identityless baby.
His reply seemed cold, like simply stating the facts and he hadn't expressed how he felt about it. Now she worried.
"Is everything okay, Jess? You seem a little off," she asked hesitantly.
He continued to eat, trying to formulate a coherent sentence in his head, without much luck, knowing that it was too easy in this case to say the wrong thing and hurt her.
"I'm just processing," he began, unsure how to finish. That part was true. But it was all a lot harder than what he'd imagined.
She could sense him holding back, not saying everything. She could just sense something was wrong.
Tears formed in the back of her throat, her hormones not helping much. She looked up, trying to stop herself from crying. Was this how this was going to be like? Was she losing him already? She realized she was probably making it into something bigger than it really was, but she couldn't turn off her emotions.
She took a deep breath and walked away from the table, taking a seat onto their bed, trying to hide her tears. She didn't want to be this stereotypical, weak, pregnant woman, who needed to be soothed, taken care of, assured. She wanted to be strong.
"Este, wait," he said, seeing she was upset. This was not what he wanted either. He followed her, glancing over her from the doorway, unsure if she wanted him there.
Tiny sobs escaped her lips, clearly trying to hold back the tears.
"Este, I'm sorry. I'm just worried. I'm worried and I don't want you having to stress because of me in the midst of all this. This is just something I need to work through…," he sighed.
"I just feel like you're shutting me out, you know," she explained sobbingly. "You can talk to me. I've weighed all the risks, I've had time to get used to these facts. You don't have to worry about me," she said pleadingly, realizing saying the latter was probably as useless as telling herself not to worry about him.
"I know, but I don't know what to say to make it any better - I'm not sure talking is something that would help any of this," he began, sitting down next to her. "I see how happy this makes you, I don't want to ruin it for you. But I worry and I can't just switch that off. And I'm terrified that something could happen to you or even if something happens to her, what that would do to you, to me. And on top of that I have my own demons that have to do with Jimmy," Jess listed, his voice raising a little, understanding as he'd said it how weird it felt to use a specific personal pronoun that was not just a guess anymore.
She continued to sob, not looking him in the eye, as if embarrassed of her emotions.
"Please, just don't cry about this. I'll work through these things. It's not like there is any other option, I don't have regrets, believe me... I'm just slow at processing this type of things," he added apologetically, pulling her close.
"I can't lose you, Jess," she whimpered quietly, meaning it in different levels.
"You're not," Jess assured.
Celeste still worried about Jess. She wanted to ease his worry, but there was little she could practically do at this point. She wanted to make the process easier for him, more enjoyable, but she'd been herself just going with her gut, and there was no easy way to translate her gut instinct to him if he didn't feel it. She knew this was probably the only time she would ever do this, having mapped out all the risks beforehand and accepting them. She just didn't want to waste these weeks worrying - she wanted to feel it all.
Spending more and more time at the house, the rooms beginning to look like rooms one after another, had allowed Celeste to get acquainted with their new surroundings. The place felt like home already. It was the little things that made the place like home - the kitchen already containing her beloved kitchenware from her old house, small items finding their new places here and there.
The house was almost finished, just the bedrooms needing to be painted and some furniture items bought. She'd even gotten to know a couple of the neighbors, at least on some level - the older lady next door and a family with toddlers across the yard. She also knew the closest convenience store and the good take-away places, also having charted at least some good trails she wanted to try to jog once they moved.
Celeste was now sitting at the kitchen bar, her laptop in front of her, on a Saturday afternoon, waiting for the delivery of the couches while trying to pick out a bed for the master bedroom. Jess was upstairs prepping the walls of the master bedroom to be painted, his phone blasting an eclectic playlist ranging from Coldplay to the Shaggs to keep him company, the physical labor providing both his escape and processing mode.
They were better, knowing that it wasn't about pulling away or losing him, but still hesitant when it came to the baby stuff - neither of them really knowing what to do about it. It seemed all they could do about it was to give it time.
She had limited the bed options down to a Swedish high-headboard continental bed and two other adjustable options from Svane, appreciating the Scandinavian sleekness, leaving the final choice up to Jess when he came back downstairs. It was a balancing act between his more minimalistic tastes and her throw pillows. And they'd compromised almost in every room of the house, finding something she liked and blended it with something of his.
Celeste was jolted out of her mental pro-con lists on the beds by a text from Rory.
"Logan just ditched me for some unexpected work thing. Are you at the house?" she wrote.
"We are," she replied.
"Okay if I stop by? I'll bring ice cream," Rory said.
"Come," she replied.
Rory arrived 15 minutes later, a bucket of chocolate chip ice cream in hand.
"You weren't kidding when you said you'd be bringing ice cream, were you?" Celeste glanced at the bucket laughingly.
"I'm not really supposed to be eating desserts," Rory grumbled. "Logan basically doesn't let me eat it, he knows I still cheat, but he doesn't approve. The doc was a little worried the baby might get too big, but I just crave it so badly," Rory said, shaking her head, as she found a spoon in their kitchen drawer.
"Did you get a birth weight estimate or something?" Celeste asked, having been doing a lot of additional reading recently on these things.
"The prognosis was 9 pounds. But I really have been trying to watch what I eat," she muttered, taking another spoonful. Her hips were a lot rounder than they had been, but it didn't look like she'd gained a lot of weight herself.
Celeste took a spoon for herself and took a taste. Sure she liked ice cream, but in that kind of quantity it was never really her thing, usually rather settling for some refreshing sorbet.
"Auch," she sighed, truthfully. She wanted to enjoy the pregnancy and the baby, but the thought of pushing a 9 pound object out of her vagina would make any woman a little squeamish.
"Have I told you that I don't exactly have a very calm relationship with the idea of giving birth?" Rory asked.
"No, what do you mean?" she asked, curiously.
"When I was in my teens I had at least two situations where I had to be around women giving birth, and it just makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Hyperventilating, panicking, you name it. God, I'm not comfortable with the idea of my own belly being the size it is," she exclaimed.
"Have you talked to the therapist about that?" she asked, wondering how she seemed to be so calm in the face of going through it pretty soon herself.
"We've really been focused on other stuff, but she just says that it's likely that I'd just get through it on adrenaline or I would just not have time to think about it they way I did as a bystander. I know that whatever happens is inevitable, panicking or not - he's coming out one way or another," Rory added, half a mouthful of ice cream still in her mouth.
"How's Logan taking it? He's seemed so composed through all of this, I don't think I ever seen him worry about any of this," Celeste asked, thinking of Jess.
"He's been a real rock, but I don't know. I guess he is worried a little - making sure I eat well and he makes me these cute spa appointments for foot rubs and so I'd go swimming more often when he's at work. But I guess he's more excited than worried, as far as I can tell," Rory explained. "He talks to Honor about these things the most, I think," she added.
"He's pretty good at crisis mode," Celeste added, recalling him dealing with a few work disasters a while back, having barely slept a wink in a few days.
"Should we leave some ice cream for Jess?" Rory asked, realizing she'd eaten almost one thirds of what she'd brought.
"We can set aside some for him," she suggested, hearing the doorbell. "That must be the couch," she said, scooting down from the bar stool and heading towards the foyer.
Some minutes later, Celeste was cutting the wrapping plastic off the modern cognac brown leather couches, one three-seater and another two-seater along with a cocktail ottoman that could theoretically be used as a footrest - her compromise between the formal and informal. They'd gotten another lounge couch for the study, which formed a lovely reading nest between two large bookshelves.
"The place is taking shape," Rory commented, having placed the ice cream into the freezer and coming to take a look at what had arrived.
"Do you want to go take a look upstairs - we finished the bathrooms, the study and the guest bedroom," Celeste suggested.
"Sure, though I am not sure if I can make it all the way up there," Rory sighed, half-jokingly, knowing how stairs made her pant these days.
They climbed up the stairs, Rory trailing after Celeste, supporting her back as she did, the sound of the Ramones getting louder.
"Hey!" Rory greeted, glancing up at Jess, who was standing half way up a ladder, plastering the small cracks and holes in the wall.
"Hey," he replied, turning the music he'd been listening to lower.
"What are your thoughts for these rooms - bedrooms?" Rory asked, breathing heavily, wanting to take a break from the climbing.
"Yeah," Celeste said. "Pale blue, slightly greyish, for the master and just the primer for the other for now. I haven't quite decided on the wallpaper yet," she said. She'd held off announcing the wallpaper she'd picked out, a bold abstract flower pattern in subtle tones of pink, blue and violet, not wanting to push him, knowing that the wallpaper could easily wait a few months.
"So when do you think you'll get to move in for real?" Rory asked.
"Once the painting is all done," Jess said, "And it might be a week or so before I get around to everything," he added.
"I've told him I could help out, but he won't let me paint," Celeste muttered grumpily without thinking.
"Why won't you let the woman paint?" Rory inquired, scolding him playfully.
Jess glanced wordlessly from Rory to Celeste and back, continuing his work process.
"I don't want her to hurt herself," he added a moment later, without looking at her.
Rory glanced back at Celeste questioningly. There was just something about the way Jess had said it that made her suspicious. Could it be?
Celeste didn't feel like she could just announce it, instead she whispered it to Rory's ear, knowing she of all people would understand the need for their hesitation.
Rory's eyes lit up as she heard it, hugging her closely.
Jess smiled at the two, raising his eyebrow almost involuntarily and continued his work. He felt proud of course, and the idea that someone else knew made it feel again a little more tangible.
