Last Shadows
Kensi tugged her jeans up over her aching legs and tried desperately to dispel the overwhelming feeling of danger that crept in whenever she was left alone. Her examination by the senior medical officer, a Lieutenant Commander named Patterson, had been perfunctory and rather more detailed than she had been expecting. The female physician's assistant had been supportive and a welcome comfort when they had come to the uncomfortable questions about sexual assault that Kensi had been honest in answering.
Luckily, her abusers had been devout Muslims and also had been under strict instructions from their higher ups to not abuse their prisoners in that way. That had not stopped them from giving her a mild concussion, cracking a few of her ribs, and aside from some minor lacerations and bruises, she should recover from her physical injuries in just a few weeks.
Her mental state was an entirely different story though.
They had given her the general rundown of the symptoms of PTSD and the trauma of being a prisoner that had been both beaten and deprived of so much sleep. Kensi had told them that she was well aware of what to watch for, that her fiance had suffered from it when returning from over here and her partner at NCIS had suffered from it after being a victim of torture. Just mentioning that last part had triggered some unwelcome tears that she had brushed off as brought on by the stress her mind and body had just endured.
Jack.
Deeks.
And now her.
It was like some sort of cosmic sick joke that had cursed her for most of her life. She could even remember her father's mental battle with the sickness before it was given the honor of an official diagnosis. Her life had been one long investment into that curse that plagued so many of the men and women who wore the uniform of the American armed forces and now she felt like she was finally receiving her due. It made her heart ache for her old partner because now she could feel what he had experienced in those days after Sidorov. The feeling of being alone while in a room with other people, the fear of being alone at all and then, at the same instant, terrified to be around anyone at all.
It was all making her head spin.
With her pants halfway up her thighs, Kensi squeezed her eyes shut and collapsed back onto the metal frame exam table, her hands falling to her knees as she fought to catch her breath. In and out, in and out, she panted, taking in as much fresh air as she could, letting the panic attack wash over and through her until she felt her equilibrium return. With the ground solid under her feet once more, she took one more deep breath before opening her eyes, but there was a lingering image in her mind. One of flowing blonde locks and eyes the color of the ocean on a clear day.
Her heart jumped in her chest at just the thought of seeing Deeks once more but it immediately sank, knowing that he was thousands of miles away. When she and Jack were being led to where Callen and Sam were waiting for them, her mind had imagined him walking past her in the other direction. At the time, her head had been so clouded and her body so tired, she did not even bother to look after the hallucination, but now she wished she had. Just to see his smile once more, to hear his laugh or, God in heaven, to feel his touch … would have done miracles to her wounded body and soul.
Kensi had even imagined him again when they had loaded her into the waiting helicopter and she was lain next to Jack who wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders. She had glanced out the door of the Huey to watch Callen and Sam conversing with Granger and some young female Afghan that she recognized from the camp where they had held her. And in the background, imaginary Deeks had appeared behind them, swaggering up to his team just like old times, with that cocking smirk on his handsome face. Just as he came close enough for her soul to yearn to call out to him, the crew chief had slid the door closed and they lifted off in a cloud of white dust that obscured everyone on the ground.
During the flight back, she relaxed into the comfort of Jack's embrace but her mind and heart were fixed on her old partner, wondering what he was doing right now, was he safe and did he even think about her anymore. Kensi began to think that she must really be messed up to have imagined him in that middle of this mess but it was probably all part of her reaction to her trauma and her mind was just trying to find something from her memory that was peaceful and comforting. But as they flew out of the hell of the past few days, her heart ached for him in a way that she had never experienced before.
As she finished dressing, Kensi shook off the feelings of regret and remorse that had been plaguing her ever since that night on the beach when she had let him walk away from her. This assignment had brought her back in touch with her former fiance but had also nearly cost her her life. She was struggling with how to move forward now that she had reconciled her old relationship with Jack and the prospect of having to find Deeks to see if she had some type of future left in this world.
When she finished tugging on her boots and twisting her hair into a semi-descent ponytail, Kensi took a moment to take another deep breath before moving toward the entrance of the medical tent. At the flap that would open to the real world outside, Kensi swiped away the last of her tears and shook off the jitters before taking the last few steps out into the sunlight. As she did, she found Jack walking out of the tent next to hers, his face clean from the blood and dirt that had stained his handsome features for a time. He looked over to her and gave her a warm smile.
"Hey, Kensi … you good?"
She could see the concern in his eyes and gave him the strongest response she could muster. "Yeah, nothing that a little time and rest won't heal."
Jack let out a sigh of relief at her response. He had become concerned about her during the flight to the base, her mutterings about someone named "Deeks" making him think that maybe her head injury was more serious than it had looked originally. "That's good news. They tell me your old team are the ones that saved us … pulled off some type of prisoner exchange at the last minute or something like that."
For the first time in weeks, Kenis let out a sincere laugh as she nodded her head. "Yeah, that sounds like them; always managing to pull off a Hail Mary just in the nick of time."
"Sounds like a great bunch of people to work with."
Kensi put all the gratitude and pride that she could into her next words. "They're the best."
Jack nodded along with her. "I'm glad you've got people like that to watch over you when you do those crazy things that you do."
Kensi laughed softly again but her heart ached for the one person that had watched over her and protected her so many times that she had eventually lost count. The image of him walking towards her back in that valley danced through her mind and it actually made her a little weak in the knees.
Jack nodded over her shoulder and when she turned to follow his gaze, she saw the young Afghan girl standing awkwardly off to the side, her hands clasped nervously in front of her dusty robe. "They wiped out most of her tribe with an airstrike after they released us … that means she has nowhere to go."
Kensi's heart went out to the girl who was caught in a conflict that was pitting tribe against tribe, clan against clan, with the innocent caught in the middle. The truth in any war is that the innocent die along with everyone else and sometimes every day becomes a struggle to simply survive.
"I'm going to try and help her find whatever remains of her clan." Jack's humanity would not let him walk away from these people when he thought there was something he could do to help.
"So, you're staying here?" It was not a question to which Kensi needed a response … she already knew the answer.
"Yeah, I think so … the C.I.A. is probably still after my head and this is my home now."
It had broken her heart the first time she had lost him but this time she found herself happy that he had found his place in this world, helping the ones that this conflict seemed to cast aside with little concern. At one time, the man standing in front of her had been her world and had held her heart in his hands. But now, he was just a man she had loved at one time. who had made a life for himself without her in it and now it was time for her to do the same.
"Well, you take care of yourself and be safe." Kensi stepped into his embrace, knowing that she might never see him again but glad that she could finally let him go with a happy heart that was finally at peace.
Jack gave her a tender squeeze, mindful of her injuries, and soft kiss to her forehead before stepping back. "You do the same, Kensi."
She watched as he walked away from her and she felt a tinge of sadness at his absence but glad that he was alive and happy in the life he had chosen. Kensi pulled her arms around herself as Jack moved further away, heading over to the girl who was nervously waiting on her new friend.
Then she saw Deeks walking down the hill, directly toward her.
For a brief moment, Kensi's heart felt like it had literally stopped in her chest … but then reality set in and she just watched as the apparition of her old partner took a direct path toward her, pausing for an brief exchange with Jack … but how could that be? Deeks was just an hallucination, so why was Jack talking to him? Maybe her concussion was worse than had been detected. Maybe she was simply losing her mind. Maybe old memories were overlapping with her present. Whatever the reason, she was content just to watch him as he stepped around Jack and came even closer.
Then he was directly in front of her, silently standing there, his eyes moist as tears threatened to fall down his tanned cheeks. Kensi let her eyes trail over to Jack and the girl as they filled their water containers, prepping for a long trek through the mountains.
But instead of fading into nothing, imaginary Deeks stood stone still, like he was waiting for something. Kensi had never experienced an hallucination and did not know what to do. If she spoke to him, would everyone think that she had lost her mind? If he disappeared, would she break down in tears like she wanted to?
All those thoughts and more were warring through her tortured mind when imaginary Deeks reached up to tuck a lose strand of her hair behind her ear … and she felt his touch.
It was like someone had tazzed her.
Kensi immediately jumped back, raising her hands to cover the soft shriek that she had cried out as the world crumbled around her. She felt his hands come to clasp her upper arms, holding her steady on her quivering legs as he moved even closer … and then his gentle voice was falling on her ears.
"Easy Kensi, I got you … I got you."
Hallucinations do not speak nor do they touch you, and then it clicked.
In a broken voice that came out more like a sob, Kensi broke.
"You … you're … you're here?"
Deeks eased her to his chest, tucking her head under his chin, wrapping his arms completely around her.
"Yeah Kens … I'm here."
…
Deeks wanted to scream. Out loud or silently, at this point it did not really matter. After they had landed back at base, his first priority had been to get to Kensi but Granger had ordered all them into a small corner of a storage container for a debrief on what had exactly happened up in the mountains and how Deeks had some how come up with a miracle that had saved all of them.
Sam and Callen were still impressed, with the big SEAL being the most proud, like a big brother watching his younger sibling finally being the hero, if only for a moment. Ever since the detective had joined them in LA as he and Callen had waited in Hetty's chartered flight, Sam had been tasked with making sure that the younger man maintained control over his emotions in regards to Kensi and had his head in the game. Leaving him behind with the translator had seemed like the best way to keep the man out of the thick of things … out of sight, out of mind … but in the end, the one man Hetty was worried about had turned out to be the key to the success of the mission.
Maybe she did not see all that the man truly was.
Maybe she needed to reevaluate her opinion over who was considered the 'weak link' in the team.
As Granger continued to ask the same questions just in different terminology, Deeks could sense the rest of the team beinging to lose their patience as well. Just as he was about to simply walk out the door, Callen spoke up.
"With all due respect, Assistant Director, could we postpone this little meeting until a later date? My partners and I are dead on our feet and we'd all like to find out how Agent Blye and Mr. Simon are doing." When Granger began to object, Sam and Deeks were already turning toward the door, letting everyone else know that despite any higher objections, they were done until they could check on their missing teammate.
Even though he still needed a lot of answers to a lot of tough questions, Granger could see that he would be fighting a losing battle if he tried to order them to stay. And plus, he was tired as hell as well, and the rest could wait, maybe even until they were stateside. In a rare instance of knowing his audience, he decided to give the haggard team a break. "Very well … check on agent Blye and I'll get us the earliest flight out of hear. I'll let you know the details when I do."
Most of them were already out the door before he had finished speaking, Callen and Sam jogging to keep with Deeks who was blazing a trail toward the infirmary. When they caught up to their friend, Callen fell in to his left and Sam flanked him on the other side.
"You have no idea how great it was seeing that helo come over the mountains." Callen tapped his friend lightly on the shoulder to try and slow him just a bit. "And then when you stepped out, I think I might have pissed my pants a little."
Sam was nodding along in agreement. "Hell, we both did … that was pretty awesome, brother … nothing like waiting for the last minute to save our bacon."
Deeks felt a swell of pride in his chest at the way his old teammates were praising him, but he had really only been doing what they had always done … gather clues, shake it all up, see what sorts out … sometimes it works out great for the good guys and sometimes it does not. This had been one of the times where the bad guys got the short end of the stick.
It still felt good.
"I had to let you guys sweat it for little while, make you appreciate it more when you don't think it's coming." He really wanted to burst into a dead run to the hospital that had come into view but getting to share this moment with his old friends was pretty awesome.
As if he sensed what was going through the other man's mind, Callen grabbed him by the upper arm and tugged him until they had almost stopped.
Deeks tried to continue on but now Sam had stepped into his path, a large, muscled rock. "Just take it easy Martin, tap the brakes."
"What the hell? Let me go!"
When neither man moved, that only made him angrier, but before he could formulate a response, Callen was speaking gently from his side. "Look brother, we know how badly you want to see her but they going to have to check her over pretty well before they let anyone in."
"He's right, it will be at least half an hour before the docs get through so you won't get to see her even when you get there." Sam could see the fight rising in the younger man, so he placed his large hand over Deeks' sternum and felt his rapidly beating heart. "And besides that, they won't let you in smelling as bad as you do."
Callen nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you smell like a camel's ass … we all do."
Deeks' sleep deprived mind couldn't stop the bark of laughter that came out at the put down but one sniff of his wafting BO told him that the blunt observation was true. He knew that they were right and were not trying to stop him, just delay him a little longer. Their argument was sound and he did not want to gag Kensi with his horrible smell during their reunion. They had enough against them already and any little thing could be the minute distraction that derailed any good thing that may happen.
There was the long separation that he knew had made him miserable. Picking up his life and moving with Monty all the way to Hawaii had been the clean break he had wanted, but probably did not need, not any more anyway. His life, no matter how hard he tried to avoid it, was tied to hers and he'd come to the conclusion that whatever place he had in her heart, as a partner, a friend, or more … he would take it.
There was the fact that Kensi had been a prisoner, abused, tortured … when he though of that, his heart ached for her in a way that he had never experienced. Not even his own torture at the hands of a sadistic Russian named Sidorov could taint his empathy for her emotional state at what she had just endured. If he could take her pain away, he would do it in an instant; if he could have taken her place, suffered it all for her … yeah, that too, in an instant.
Then there was this Jack Simon, her former fiance. How big a monkey wrench would this throw into their reunion? Would this be the long awaited second chance that had haunted her for so long? Being imprisoned together could have drawn them together emotionally just as a matter of survival and that might translate into rekindled love and affection. If that was the case, then what place would she have for her old partner, if there was a place at all?
But he had to know the truth, no matter how much it may cost him.
So, stopping for a quick shower and a fresh change of clothes would not take that long and might give him a chance to clear his head before he saw her again. Watching her stagger along, lead by enemies with AK-47s, her head bloodied and her eyes glazed … that had all been almost more than he could bare, but he had needed to stay focused to finish the prisoner exchange before someone decided to start shooting. All of that had taken every ounce of his fortitude and concentration, his last glimpse was of his old partner lifting off in a gray Huey while nestled in the arms of her old love.
Those were the thoughts that were haunting him as he took the quickest shower in his life, scrubbing off the dust, dirt and grime that had filled every crevice of his body over the past few days. He did not even bother to finish drying his hair before he was hopping on one foot, pulling on his last shoe as he stumbled out of his tent. As he rushed out, he caught a glimpse of Callen and Sam stepping away from their own shelters; Sam was pulling a t-shirt on over his muscled shoulders and the senior agent plopped down onto a nearby folding chair and began lacing up his boots.
Deeks turned down the slope toward the hospital but not before acknowledging the reassuring nods from his old friends. Moving as quickly as he could without causing a scene, the tall detective made his way through the dusty camp, the gravel road crunching under his shoes as he weaved his way through weary soldiers, preoccupied contractors, battle hard Marines, a couple of air force forward air controllers and all the other personnel that called this far away place a temporary home. He caught some of their faces and briefly wondered at their stories: Where were they from? Did they have families waiting for them back home? Would they all make it?
Deeks shook off those thoughts when the infirmary finally came into view. It was basically a large collection of tan and green tents clusted in the center of the base. Most had a large red cross stenciled on their roofs and even on their side panels between the flaps that served as windows. It was a place of pain and suffering, but also of hope and recovery … two sides of the same coin when it came to wounded warriors.
He was approaching down a slight slope of a lose packed gravel road, wondering if he would have a hard time finding Kensi when suddenly, one of the door flaps pealed back and out stepped Jack Simon. Deeks took a deep breath, knowing that he would have to pass this man in order to reach her and wondering what exactly he should say if they crossed paths.
All of that was rendered moot when another door flap opened and Kensi stepped out into the afternoon light.
Deeks skidded to a halt, his heart thumping in his chest at just the sight of her. She was all cleaned up, the blood join from her head and her eyes bit brighter than when he had seen her earlier that day though she still looked tired. The way she was standing with her arms wrapped slightly around her waist let him know that she probably had a couple of cracked ribs and there was still a dark bruise under her left jaw.
But she was still the most beautiful thing he had even seen in his life and she was only a few yards away.
Talking to Jack.
Looking at this other man with those gorgeous mismatched eyes and it appeared as though she had not noticed her old partner yet. Maybe she was too busy talking to Jack, focused on him. Yeah, that had to be it.
Deeks watched, curious as to what they could be saying but not so rude as to move close enough to hear. Whatever it was, it was affecting Kensi's emotions; he watched her wipe the tears from the corner of her eyes a few times and then came the end where she and Jack embraced. He tried not to watch this private moment but he could not tear his eyes away. It was loving and sweet and brought to mind the decision that Deeks had thought about when he had watched them fly off in the helicopter earlier.
If this was what she wanted, then he would step aside and let her have it.
Let her be happy.
But Jack pulled back, placed a chaste kiss to her forehead and then began to walk away. Deeks watched Kensi follow Jack with her eyes as he cut a path that would intersect where he was standing. A million different ideas about what to say to this man popped into the blonde detective's mind, but before he could decide, Kensi's former fiance was standing directly in front of him.
"You're Deeks, right?"
The stunned man replied with an mumbled "Yeah", kicking himself for sounding so lost.
Jack suddenly reached over and clapped him firmly on the bicep. "Whatever you did to save us … thanks man."
Finally, Deeks mouth began to work. "You're welcome, glad you're okay."
Jack nodded and then tilted his toward where Kensi was still standing, watching them. "She's going to need you and I think you're just what she needs." Then he stepped away, heading over to where a young Afghan girl was waiting for him.
Deeks watched him leave but quickly turned his attention back to the brunette standing in the shade of the tent. Forcing his legs to move, he walked over as fast as he dared, until he was standing right in front of her and yet she had given no indication that she had seen him. He could think of nothing to say so he just stood stone still as Kensi glanced over to where Jack and the girl were filling their water bottles.
Could she still be so mad at him, that she would not even acknowledge his presence? Why would she not say anything to him or look him in the eyes?
Deeks' heart began to break all over again, thinking that this was his worst nightmare come true. She did not want him here or in her life. As his world began to crumble, he felt the burn of tears prick at the corner of his eyes, threatening to fall down his cheeks. Kensi cut her eyes back to him, but it was like she was looking through him, not at him. He noticed a strand of hair had fallen across her forehead and even though he thought it was pointless, he could not resist reaching over to tuck it behind her ear.
He almost jumped out of his skin when the moment his knuckle brushed her cheek, Kensi let out a soft shriek and jumped back, like his touch had shocked her. He reached out to catch her arms as it appeared her legs were about to give out and eased closer to help her if she did fall.
"Easy Kensi, I got you … I got you."
A strange look passed over her pretty face, like she was waking up from a deep sleep. When she finally spoke, her voice was soft, like that of a scared little child and he knew that he had never heard her so broken.
"You … you're … you're here?"
Deeks eased her to his chest, tucking her head under his chin, wrapping his arms completely around her. His heart was breaking but this time it was breaking for her, not because of her.
"Yeah Kens … I'm here."
...
