Chapter 1
Am I the same girl? Yes, I am, yes, I am…
28 ABY
Eclipse Station
Tahiri opened her eyes and looked around the darkened room, thankful that Anakin had left the low fresher light on so she could see. Taking a deep breath, she stood onto her knees, and scooted over the few feet toward the bed. Her heart nearly beating out of her chest in joy.
There he was, sleeping on his side, the bed sheet knotted in his fist, a lock of sandy brown hair hanging over one eye. She resisted the urge to brush that lock of hair away, knew the contact would scare him, and that was the last thing she wanted to do. The next few minutes were going to be hard enough, waking him from a dead sleep and causing him a heart attack would sort of defeat the purpose of all her work.
Sitting back on her heels she gently reached out with the Force, caressing his mind, the way she used to, guiding him gently to consciousness. After a minute, an eternity it seemed to her, those blue eyes she had missed so much opened slowly and stared right at her, confusion more than evident.
"Tahiri?" His voice was quiet and slightly slurred with sleep, but full of love and concern. "What are you…" His words were cut short as he focused and fully took her in.
The fear she was hoping to avoid rose in him quickly and she realized that she had to act fast to calm him.
"Yes, Anakin," she whispered, "I'm Tahiri, but I need you to stay calm so I can explain what's going on. I'm not here to hurt you."
"Why are you here? And why do you look so different?"
"I'm here to tell you what you need to know about the Voxyn Mission. I'm not your Tahiri, but I am what your Tahiri could become if you don't listen to me."
"Are you going to hurt her?"
"No, in fact, if all goes well, we're going to keep her safe, and you safe too."
His confusion grew until a slow smile spread across his face and he relaxed, it was clear that his sleep-fogged mind had just put a bunch of pieces together, though Tahiri knew they weren't the right ones; he likely thought he was still sleeping.
"It's funny, you look a lot older," he said through a yawn as he fluffed his pillow and pressed his head back into it.
Reaching over and placing her hand on his shoulder, she said, "I look older because I'm thirty-two, and I've been through a lot. And I need you to sit up. We have to talk."
He gave her a wicked smile, "You want to talk again? I thought twice in one night was enough to tide you over until tomorrow."
Tahiri rolled her eyes, "Not that kind of talk hero-boy. Come on, I need you to wake up and focus."
Sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of his bed, Anakin dragged a hand down his face, rubbing his eyes and blinking a few times and then chuckling.
"This is the strangest dream I've ever had, I mean I've dreamed of you before, a lot actually, and I've even dreamed of you being older, but usually wearing less, and you never actually talk, I mean not like with words. Of course, they are dreams. You always sort of just do what I want you to do and don't ask any questions or give me any orders."
"As if I ever doubted your male-ness. Anakin, you're not having a dream. I'm real, I'm really here, and I've come a long way to be with you."
Anakin shook his head again, clearly trying to process what he was seeing and hearing.
"It's funny, you actually feel like Tahiri, though… different."
"That's because I am Tahiri, I'm just not your Tahiri. I've come from the future, one possible future, a future I'm trying desperately to avoid."
"Well, I guess that is something that a dream Tahiri might say, if I let her talk in my dreams."
Beginning to get extremely exasperated, she leaned in closer and looked right into his eyes. "I'm not a dream; I'm really here. Give me your hand."
Anakin blinked again, and lazily reached out, then gasped at the contact as Tahiri interlaced their fingers and pressed his palm to her cheek. The tears she knew would likely come began to flow down her face, and Anakin moved his thumb over them, wiping them away, then stiffened.
"You really are here, aren't you? How is that possible? Wait…"
He reached for his comlink, but Tahiri grabbed his hand to stop him.
"No, you can't comm anyone. It's really important that no one else knows I'm here."
"Why? I mean, you're freaking me out a little here, I'd really like to check with someone else to make sure I'm not hallucinating."
"I know, and I know that this must be disconcerting, but you can't tell anyone, and what I have to tell you is going to be hard for you to accept at first, but trust me, you need to hear it, and you'll understand why when I'm done."
"Ok," he said dubiously, "I'm not dreaming, you are not my Tahiri, you're a Tahiri, from the future," he paused and squinted his eyes, "a possible future, one you're trying to avoid, and by telling me what you want to tell me you think you can avoid this possible future?"
"Yes, in essence, that's what is going on."
"And tell me again why I should listen to you and not call Tahiri, my Tahiri, here to tell me that I'm not having a really weird dream? I mean I could just be imagining you because I'm under a bit of stress."
"Always the master of understatement. Anakin, you are under a tremendous amount of stress."
"Exactly, which only proves my point. So if I'm not having a very realistic dream, then either I'm having a vision, like the one I had of you on Yavin, or you are a figment of my imagination."
"Would it help if I told you things that only you and I would know."
Anakin chuckled. "Hardly. If I'm imagining you, I'd just have you tell me things that I wanted to hear."
"What if I told you things that you and Luke have discussed that you haven't told Tahiri about yet."
Anakin raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "I tell Tahiri everything."
"Right. You tell her what you absolutely have to if you think you're protecting her, and when she figures out that you're hiding something she beats it out of you." Tahiri felt a spike of anxiety rush through him at being caught out as soon as the words were out of her mouth. "See, if you were imagining me, then how would I know that you were planning on asking Luke to consider not letting me go on this mission?"
"If you're a figment of my imagination, I could make you say that because I feel guilty about trying to leave you behind, her behind."
"Wrong. You and your Tahiri will fight tomorrow because she'll know that you're hiding something, or at least that's what happened last time. My being here may change that."
Anakin chuckled ruefully. "If you being here can help me avoid getting yelled at by Tahiri, you may be worth the confusion I'm feeling now."
"I didn't yell at you that much."
"Now I know you're a dream."
Tahiri sighed and shook her head. "As much as I'd love to hang out and debate my existence, we have a lot to cover." Letting go of Anakin's hand she stood up and began to pace. "You've felt me, you felt my face and my tears; I've told you things that your Tahiri doesn't know yet."
Almost reluctantly, Anakin nodded, then shook his head from side to side slowly. "I'm not imagining you am I?"
"Finally," she muttered. "No, you're not. And you haven't lost your mind."
"Are you like a Force ghost or something? Uncle Luke always described them as 'ethereal' or incorporeal."
"I'm not a Force ghost. I used a time travel type of method called Flow Walking to get here. I first learned about it from Jacen, then I went to the group of Force users he learned it from, the Aing Tii monks, and learned how to do it on my own and, here I am. I've come back in time so I can help you."
"You keep saying that, what exactly are you going to help me do?"
"Not die."
2 hours later
Anakin sat on the floor of his room, leaning against the side of his bed, elbows on his knees, head in his hands. The aching that had started in his chest while listening to this… woman, listening to her tale, had moved slowly up to his head.
He had never had a lot of time or patience for his brother's self-indulgent or esoteric views, but if he were to believe what he was being told, then Jacen had a much more clear understanding of the intricacies of Force workings than Anakin had ever given him credit for. Or rather, he would have one day. Of course, according to this Tahiri, who he'd begun to think of as 'Older Tahiri' just to keep her and 'Younger Tahiri' straight in his head, those beliefs that Jacen would eventually hold would cause nothing but pain to the people Anakin loved most, as well as the galaxy at large.
Sighing again, he'd done a lot of that in the last couple of hours, he raised his head to look at 'Older Tahiri', trying desperately to reconcile what she was saying with what he knew to be true.
They had debated again his comming someone else to confirm that he hadn't lost his mind. She had again won out, evidently some things never changed, reasoning that any question he might pose to another, in an attempt to verify his sanity, would set off alarms in the Force, bringing a stampede to his door and revealing her. What she had allowed Anakin to do, had actually encouraged, was to gently reach out to his siblings, his parents, his uncle, finally even Tahiri, his Tahiri, to prove to himself that they were all safe and where they were supposed to be; in their beds, sound asleep.
It hadn't been hearing this woman detail his death that had so upset him, he was painfully aware of the fact that his chances of surviving the upcoming mission weren't terribly high, it hadn't even been her story of Jacen's slide into megalomania and Sithdom that had so unnerved him; it had been her confession of what the last sixteen years of her own life had been that had set off a wave of nausea that hadn't let up even after an hour. The idea that his Tahiri, the woman he loved and already knew he'd spend the rest of his life with, long or short as it may be, could be twisted into the sad creature in front of him unnerved him in a way he would never have imagined possible. Especially hard to hear was the fact that it had been his own death that had begun her downward spiral, that had brought her to where she was now; sitting in front of him trying to change his future.
In a quiet voice he hardly recognized as his own, he asked, "How long were you in prison?"
"Only two years. I was extremely fortunate." Was the equally quiet, and very shamed, response.
"Why solitary confinement?" He couldn't imagine a worse punishment for her. But then, maybe her ability to talk a blue streak had changed with all the other things.
"How else does one keep a Force sensitive Yuuzhan Vong trained as both a Jedi and a Sith contained? They weren't going to let me wander around in the general prison population."
"Would you have run? Tried to escape?"
"No. But Daala isn't a big fan of the Jedi, and I think I ended up serving as an example for both sides. By agreeing to my sentence the Jedi didn't look like they were trying to protect one of their own, not that I was one of their own anymore, and the government got to look like they were trying to rectify what Jacen and I had done."
"You make it sound like you were with Jacen on this from the start."
"No, but that hardly mattered in the end. They were all afraid of me, and your uncle had no interest in speaking on my behalf after everything I had done; especially to Ben. I'm sure everyone thought they were being generous by putting me in a duracrete box surrounded by ysalamari rather than executing me."
"But you gave them everything they wanted, right? You answered all their questions and pleaded guilty… why were they so harsh?"
"Like I said; I was an example, and I didn't fight it. By that point I didn't feel I had anything left to fight for."
"But now you do?"
"For the next few days. If this works, then maybe I can die knowing that I did something positive to change the outcome of yours and Jacen's lives, which would be a huge thing for your family. If Jacen doesn't fall, he doesn't kill Mara, neither he or I torture Ben, Jaina doesn't have to kill Caedus, your parents don't lose both of their sons. And if this doesn't work… well, at least I'll have tried, and, as selfish as it sounds, I'll have had this time with you. After all, that's sort of what got me into this mess."
"Wanting to be with me again?"
"Yeah. I can't tell you how much I've missed you. Or how happy I am to finally apologize for not kissing you good-bye. Well, him… you know what I mean."
"Tahiri, has all of this really been a result of you feeling guilty about that."
"You have no idea."
"Would it help you to know that I know how much Tahiri loves me?"
"I don't know. But it might help her to know how much you love her."
Anakin shook his head to dispel the thoughts of what his death had done to this Tahiri, and instead focused on how she got here. "How does this Flow Walking work? If Jacen couldn't change my fate, why do you think you can?"
"Jacen used this to manipulate me, and I let him. I'm not deluded enough to think that I was a victim here. My desire to see you again was stronger than my desire to do what I knew was right, what I knew you'd have wanted me to do. I was weak.
"As far as Jacen and his claims of whether or not this could work are concerned, here is my theory; since he never had any real interest in accomplishing it, he didn't pursue it, and though he was right, what I later realized is that what he told me may only true from 'a certain point of view'."
"Meaning, you could change the outcome on a different plane?"
"Exactly. Even if I can't have my Anakin back, maybe I can help you and your Tahiri have a future."
A sharp spike of pain pierced Anakin's brain at the mere prospect of making that statement make sense, and yet, oddly, he did sort of get what Older Tahiri was saying.
"And hopefully we can also save your family, and ultimately the galaxy, the heartache that your Jacen could eventually cause."
"It sounds like the best way to do that may be to launch my self-righteous brother out an airlock."
"Don't get me started. But honestly, it's important for us to remember that the Jacen asleep down the hall hasn't committed any of these acts. I know you love him, for all his faults and all your differences, and you know that too. We can't punish this Jacen for what that Jacen did."
"So not only do we have to prevent me from dying, but we have to prevent Vergere from taking Jacen from the Baanu Rass and torturing him."
"Yes."
"And tell me again how you think we can accomplish this."
"Judging from Leia's experience when she was at the Tachyon Flier crash site, and what I learned from Jacen and the monks, I know that when we Flow Walk we can leave impressions. What I'm doing now is leaving an impression. After I'm gone, you will remember our conversation, my coming to you. What choices you make, based on all the things that I'm going to tell you, will be what affects your future."
"After you're gone? When are you leaving? You haven't told me anything yet."
"Relax, I have enough air in your room in my time to keep me going until you leave for the mission. I'll need to take breaks to rest now and then, and I'm not totally sure how that will work in terms of me being able to find my way back, but we'll work it out as best we can."
"What do you mean, finding your way back?"
"Anakin, as soon as you change something significant, I may not exist anymore. Or at least not as I already have. If you make changes in the next four days, before you leave for the mission, then I don't know where I'll have ended up, or that I would ever have learned to Flow Walk."
"So, I can't kick Jacen off the roster before we leave, or he will never be captured by Vergere, and blah, blah, blah, he won't become a Flow Walking Sith bastard who brain rapes you."
"Colorfully put, but yes."
"What do you expect? I've spent the last seven years with you. You're colorful if nothing else."
"Thank you, I think."
"I hope you don't find this offensive… but I don't want her to end up like you. We can't let that happen to her."
"No offense taken. I don't want her to end up like me either."
They were both silent for a moment, thinking of the girl sleeping down the hall.
Finally Anakin said quietly; "I notice you haven't told me not to go on the mission."
Tears began to flow down Tahiri's face again. "No. I've spent years thinking about this, and even with everything I've seen and been through, I know that you were right then, and you're right now; the queen has to be destroyed. Too much is at stake."
"But with all you know, why choose this time to come back? Why not another time?"
"Because I don't know how my interference would affect the outcome of other situations. This was the one time that I knew I might have a positive impact on."
"So we can't go back and save Chewie?"
"I wouldn't know how. And that would change other things that might make matters worse for you down the road."
"I guess that makes sense. So if the mission has to be undertaken, then you have to tell me every detail you remember in order to help me avoid what happened in your… what? Is there a word? Your 'time'? Wait, can you go on the mission with us?"
"Right, talk about a logistical nightmare. I have to be in the same physical place you are to come to you. I've Walked back to the world ship and it's hard to hang out and hide for a few minutes, it'd be impossible to hide me there the whole time. You think sneaking in and out of each other's room at night is a hassle?"
"There's a point. Hey, did anyone ever know about that? I mean, what was going on between us?"
Tahiri got a faraway look on her face and then her eyes drifted close. When she opened them a moment later, there was a strange light in them that Anakin had never seen in his own Tahiri's eyes.
"Kriff," she sighed, "I've spent years trying to figure that out. I still think that they probably did, and just didn't want to deal with it so they ignored us."
"I guess that makes sense. We were pretty discreet in public."
"Although, my monthly requests for ovulation suppression meds had to have clued Cighal in."
"Maybe fish use them for different reasons?"
Tahiri just shook her head as Anakin chuckled.
"Do you remember the time Jaina and Zekk walked in on us in the dry goods pantry?"
Tahiri smiled and let her head fall to the side, looking at Anakin through her eyelashes, "Do you remember the time your dad came into your room while we were in the shower?"
"Remember? That was two days ago."
"Oh, right. Forgot. It was sixteen years ago for me."
Anakin grew serious again. "Were they good to you... after? After I… went?"
"Yeah," she answered hesitantly. "They tried. I think it was hard for them to deal with how… distraught I was. I think in a way, they didn't feel like I deserved to be as devastated as I was, or that I shouldn't have let it show. They were all so stoic; all got on with their lives fairly quickly, at least that was how it seemed. I had a harder time putting on a brave face and pretending my primary hadn't just gone nova.
"Jaina was there for the melding. I'm not sure I would have retained any Tahiri if she hadn't helped. But when the war ended I went with Zonama Sekot and I didn't speak to any of them for over five years."
Slowly getting up, he scooted over to where Tahiri sat, pulled her into his side and wrapped her up in a tight hug. It only took seconds for the tears to start again, and only seconds more for the tears to turn into big wracking sobs. Anakin held her tight and rocked her as all the pain and loneliness that she had felt for half her life came pouring out of her.
He whispered to her, telling her he was sure her Anakin knew how much she loved him, and that he would make this better, that he was sorry that he couldn't bring her Anakin back, but that he would be forever grateful that she was doing so much to give him and his Tahiri what had been taken from her, what she had never had.
They stayed that way for some time, until Anakin began to realize that Tahiri was vanishing. He jerked back, his movement causing her to startle.
"Sorry, you were starting to sort of fade, I think you were falling asleep."
"I lost my concentration, I must have been slipping out of the Flow."
"Why don't you go back and get some sleep."
"But I still have so much to tell you."
"And we're both exhausted. Go rest."
Standing up, Anakin reached for the shirt he had discarded when he'd entered his room.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going back to Tahiri's room. I need her, and I need to think, and I need to tell her how much I love her. I'll be back in an hour, and when I get here, you and I are going to go over the mission again. I want every detail, I want to know what everyone said, did, thought… I want every piece of information you can recall, no matter how insignificant it might seem to you now."
"I'll give you everything you need, but I think there are really only a few major points that are going to make a significant difference."
"And what are those?"
"Leave Lomi Plo and Welk where they are, don't let Vergere take Jacen, and for Force sake Anakin, if we can't prevent you from taking an amphistaff to your spleen, then go into a healing trance immediately."
Anakin felt the blood drain from his face and knew instantly that in this Tahiri's life it had been his own reckless choices that had caused his death, and subsequently, the chain of events that followed, and he needed his Tahiri right then more than he ever had before.
