...I don't want to talk about this.
I know that I shouldn't say that. I lost my father by having to banish him. I've watched my friends die in front of me. I've gone through things that no kid should ever have to. I know that of everything that there is for me not to want to talk about, this shouldn't be it. Even now, I've gone back and seen my previous chapters, haven't conveyed that I'm that upset about this. I know I shouldn't be feeling this angry, and this upset, just thinking about it. Not after what happened to me already. This shouldn't have the impact it does on me.
I know when you read this book, it makes it seem like I just went right into talking about this. But, I don't do that. It usually takes me a few days to really get together what I want to say about each thing in my chapters. Even if the last ones have been so, short. I've thought about trying to say more, maybe stretch it all out and, have more to say. But when I try, I don't have much to think about. I can't really stretch this out without, making it feel cheap. I don't want this book to just be longer so I can have more pages. I want to say what I feel. And I think, maybe the reason why it's been short, is because everything that I've thought about, is really all wrapped up around this. Maybe the reason why is because everything was always about Harumi.
...I don't want to be angry. I don't want to sit here and feel like this. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't. I shouldn't. It's so selfish of me to be angry. I'm a horrible person for being so, so angry. Because you all know what happened. The news made it clear when it was all over. I told them what happened, since I was the only one that saw it happen with my own eyes. It's my fault. All of this is my fault. She took everything from me, and I never meant to do the same to her. But… I did.
I killed Harumi.
I killed her. I killed the girl that twisted my heart around her hand and then ripped it out of me. The one that made me think she was a good person, who smiled and played up an act to make me smile. The one that I fell for, without meaning to. The… the one who hurt me when she showed me her true colors, and betrayed everything I thought I knew about her.
She resurrected my father in front of me as a shell of who he once was. She took away everything I loved about him. The man that was willing to die for me, who helped me with Chen, the Golden Master, and the one who tried to repel evil itself to save me. All of that love… all of the times that he fought against his own nature to try to rescue me, it was all gone. She brought him back the way she did, because she wanted to hurt me.
She took away my city from me. She didn't just take it, she put Garmadon on the throne and then turned it into his empire. She hunted me down, captured my friends, isolated me and murdered my friends so I had to feel alone. She wanted me down in the dirt, broken like she was. And she almost did it. She hurt me with that, in a way I can't describe.
She makes me angry. She makes me want to hit something. I don't know why I'm so angry. I'm so angry at her. This entire time I've been doing everything not to be angry at her. I've been doing everything I can! But she deserves it! She hurt me. She took all that way from me! All of this! She did all of this! All of it! Why, why should I… why should I, why should I forgive her for that!? Why?! She, she hurt me! She murdered my friends, she… she ripped my father away from me! She took over my city, captured people, probably tortured them, all of this for me! She tried to torture me! Over and over again!
I know I did this! I know that of everything, I'm the reason this happened! I was the stupid, stupidk id! I went and let Pythor out! I let him out! It's my fault, I know that! I KNOW that! There isn't a night that goes by I don't know that everything that happened to this city, was because of me. I was the one that let the Serpentine out, who then let out the Devourer, and then the Stone Army, the Overlord, the Golden Master! All of it was my fault! It's mine, and mine alone1 But that shouldn't, that shouldn't mean I can't be angry at her! I can still be upset I can feel angry at her, right?1 Right?!
And so what if it was destiny, hrmm?! She shouldn't have done that! She shouldn't have hurt me, or tried to rip my life away from me. Maybe this wasn't my fault, I don't know! My entire life is all like this! I never know what I should be responsible for! Should I feel guilty about STiix, since Morro was using my body?! What about the Twins, they nearly took over and I didnt' even get to stop them! Oh, and the SOG! What, do I feel angry at them too?! What do I get angry at, if not Harumi?! Am I supposed to be angry at her?!
I took everything from her, but she deserved it, didn't she?! She, she didn't even try to apologize. She, she looked at me when it happened, I knew she understood! She, she had to have known this could happen! She tried to rip my father away from me, surely she knew! She, she had to have known! This, maybe this was just to mess me up more! Just one last little trick to make me never get over her! It would make sense, wouldn't it?! She just wanted to make sure I suffered in the end!
No, Nya, I'm not done! I'm not done! I can't be done! I can't get her out of my head! Maybe I'm angry because of that? Maybe I'm just using anger to hide everything, I don't know! I probably did that before! I nearly blew up this room trying to talk about my dad! But then, why didn't I get this angry over my dad?! Why?! He meant more to me than she did! He was there for everything, he was the one that wanted me to be happy! He loved me! He wanted everything with me, didn't he?! He wanted me to be, be more than just beholden to fate, or destiny, or whatever! He wanted that for me! And she took him away from me! She took him AWAY!
SHE DID THIS TO ME! THIS HAS TO BE HER PLAN, ISN'T IT?! TO MAKE ME UPSET, AND ANGRY, AND JUST TO SUFFER, RIGHT?! ONE LAST TRICK! ONE LAST LITTLE THING! SHE DID IT TO MY DAD, TO THE NINJA, TO ME, SURELY SHE HAD TO HAVE DONE THIS TO HERSELF! THIS WASN'T MY FAULT, WASN'T IT?! SHE PLANNED THIS! SHE PLANNED THIS, DIDN'T SHE!
THIS ISN'T MY FAULT, ISN'T IT?!
THIS ISN'T MY FAULT!
THIS! ISN'T! MY! FAULT!
...
It isn't my fault.
It… it isn't…
I didn't…
I…
….
….
… Harumi… I didn't mean to…
I didn't mean to do this, I didn't. I didn't want you to…
I never wanted you to die…
Why did you have to die? Why? Why were you up there? You shouldn't have been. We were fighting Garmadon, not you. You shouldn't have… you should've been there with Garmadon, not with… not… Why? Why were you there? It was my stupid plan, it was my… I did it. I just. I didn't think you'd… I never thought… Skylor was poisoned and I couldn't help. I had to… I had to finish it through, we couldn't keep taking control…
I hate you, I know I hate you. You made me hate you. But I didn't want you to die. I never wanted this. I never wanted that. I didn't want to… not like this. Not like this. Not… not like…
I've tried for so long to tell myself I wasn't the one who did it. I know that you being there, was some sort of decision. It isn't right of me to try to act like, you did this to hurt me. It was just, a coincidence, wasn't it? You never meant to be there. I get it. It's… it's horrible of me to even think that. I shouldn't act like you were just trying to hurt me. That's just wrong. It's so wrong. I'm horrible.
I never thought, the Devourer would… I never knew. I was so focused on helping the others stop it, I just assumed that… that everyone was okay. We 're the ninja. We save people, right? How could we mess up and not save you? We couldn't have just, let you go like that. You had to have been safe. While you were suffering, I was training to be the Green Ninja. You watched your parents leave you behind while… while I was making jokes and beating the Ninja up at Dareth's Dojo. You… you suffered, while I never even thought about it.
Being angry hurts, Harumi. It hurts to be angry this long. How… how were you able to live your life like this? It's like all the joy, just vanishes, like this. You can't feel happiness like you should. You see everyone around you, so happy and, so free, but you just aren't like that. You spent your entire life in that palace, just like this. How… how were you able to suffer like this? How could you be the Quiet One?
I can't, I can't help this feeling. I can't. I can't help it. I really just… I just can't. I know it. I hurt you badly. I really did. You… you suffered, because of me. How am I supposed to be the Green Ninja like this now? How do I know that this stuff didn't happen to some kids in Stiix? Or all those villages Chen attacked? How am I supposed to try to save the city, when I know I could just be making them go through what you did? You just… you just smiled through all this. How… how did you even let me get so close to you, if you felt this?
Or is it wrong of me to even act like, I even understand it? Is this painwhat you felt? Or, am I just acting like I understand you again? I never understood you. Everytime I thought I did, you would do something to make me think, maybe, I didn't. You really made me think we would be together. You murdered everyone in the palace. You took everything away from me. Did… did all that make you feel better in the end? Did all that, get rid of this feeling? Did you… did you feel better, when it was over? Did you… did you feel better in the end, Harumi? Or… or did you feel even worse?
I… I won't ever know. And, I guess, that's just my punishment for this. I won't know you. I won't get to ask you, if you ever did feel satisfied. Or, if you were okay with it. I don't think you were. I don't think, anyone could be. You ended up suffering… again. It's… it's just how it goes, isn't it? This is… how it has to be.
….I think, I think I'm okay now. I can… I can go on. I need to talk about the plan. I need to, I need to get this done. I can't keep, putting this off. I thought I was ready for this. I really thought, thought I would be able to. I… I'm sorry. I'll, try to cut out, all that, when I finish. I… I need to talk about the rest of it now. I can't, keep acting angry. I don't know how much I'll say but… let's do this.
So, we had Harumi captured, right? Once we had her, I knew we would have to come up with something to do with her. I'm not sure what my plan was at first, but now that we had her, I didn't quite know what to do. At first, we wanted to trade her for our friends in Kryptarium, but I knew that my father wouldn't do that. She'd brought back someone that wouldn't want to deal like that. If he found out we had Harumi, he wouldn't stop unless he got her back.
While we had her captive, Harumi kept trying to convince us about what we should do. She made it seem like she'd wanted to be captured, so she could reaffirm to us that we were doomed, and nothing would stop Garmadon. That we couldn't see this ending, because I couldn't change. The fact we had her meant nothing. Just because we'd taken her, didn't mean we had anything of an advantage.
I didn't want to stay in the same room as her. Just being there was enough to make me sick. So instead, I left to go and talk to Mystake. She had something to show me. Harumi had the Mask of Hatred on her when we captured her. We had it in our possession now, and Mystake and Skylor were offering it to me as something to use if my power didn't come back. Mystake warned me that using it, though, would be like touching dark magic. If I used it, I could be lost in it. When I saw it… it was tempting. I won't lie and say it wasn't tempting. Without my power… we couldn't do anything.
Instead, I threw the mask down and said I wouldn't use it on her. I wasn't going to let her sway me like that. I knew she'd done that intentionally. She could have gotten rid of the mask, but she didn't. So it was up to me to turn it down. I refused to use it. Instead, I had come up with another plan. A plan that would let us finally have a chance at actually winning the city back from Garmadon. We were going to take control of the Colossus.
I gathered everyone together to make clear that I couldn't keep waiting around for my power to come back. I had to accept it wouldn't. If I tried to hold onto it, then I'd just be making everything worse. Instead, we had to find another source of power. Since we had Skylor with us, we could have her absorb Garmadon's power. If she was able to use it, she'd control the Colossus, and we'd take down Garmadon with it. And in order to do so… we'd use Mystake to help take Skylor 'prisoner' to go and meet him.
It was a good plan. But I'm sure you all already know that I don't ever get to have a plan go right. Mystake was able to do a perfect impression of Harumi. If I hadn't seen her transform, I'd never have been able to tell the difference. It's scary how well Oni can impersonate people. Harumi's rage at it was enough to tell us we'd done something right too. Mystake took Skylor and the two of them went to be picked up by the SOG and make it to Garmadon.
The entire time, I thought we'd have this down. I thought maybe, finally, we were able to actually win this. We'd been running for so long, now we had the chance to win. I never thought that something bad would happen. I never thought this plan would lead to anything. It was going to be an easy plan for us. We'd win. That was it.
Instead… Harumi broke free. She overpowered Dareth and ran off. The moment that I saw her gone, and Dareth in her place, I felt numb. Everything had just broken down. I knew that something was wrong, and that now I'd just sent Mystake and Skylor into danger. I wanted to go and rescue them, but Nya wouldn't let me. If we went after them, I'd have to face Garmadon. I wasn't able to do that yet. I'd even already said that I was willing to accept I didn't have my power. I had to wait. I couldn't do anything but wait and let them take care of it for me.
… Instead, only Skylor came back. I found out from her later what happened. When they were caught, Mystake had shown her true form as an Oni, and fought Garmadon. The two were evenly matched, and with a bit of trickery, Skylor was able to get his power and escape. Mystake stayed behind and was ready to fight Garmadon. She said it looked like she was able to actually be on his level. Instead, when Skylor was being pursued by Killow, she overheard that Mystake… didn't, make it.
That's just someone else to add to the list that tried to help me, and paid the price for it. I knew from the start that something could happen to her. The fact she was an oni was always going to be a dangerous thing. But I never thought, that would happen. Hearing that he'd taken down Mystake was just another reason why he had to go down. Another thing to really make it clear, we were fighting something powerful. But I didn't… I didn't want that to happen.
That's why I said before I never fully understood Mystake. I only knew her for such a short time. It felt like she had already figured me out, and decided what I needed to do. Like, everything was already planned out in her mind, and it was time for me to figure out what she already knew. I wish… I wish I got to know her more. Spend more time with her. I felt like she knew things I could have needed. I wanted to know more about her, nad more about the FSM. I wanted to know more about what she knew about Ninjago, and what she thought of it. Why she decided to leave behind her people, for this place. What had taken her in like that? I wanted to know so much more about her. But… I didn't. It was just something else that Harumi took from me. Something else that he was taking from me.
...And we didn't have time to grieve. Garmadon knew about this, and we had to go and take control. We went to the roof of the nearest building for Skylor to take control. The SOG were after us, and Garmadon knew we had his power. We had to do this. It felt like a hopeless situation, but we didn't have time to wait. We didn't have time to grieve. We had to do this.
Skylor couldn't do it, not at first. Instead, Garmadon went to move it. Seeing that thing coming for us, was as terrifying as it always was. But I knew that we had a chance. We had hope. Even if I wanted to run, I couldn't. I told Skylor she could do it. I had faith in her. I'd learned I couldn't let myself fight every battle. I had to lean on them. And I knew Skylor was strong. I believed in her. I needed her to show it to me. It wasn't until the thing was just about to crush us that she finally was able to grab control. (Skylor, if you're reading this… I don't hold anything against you, I know that it wasn't your fault. Don't think it is, okay?)
And then, we had it. We drove it all the way to Borg Tower. We got it all the way up to Garmadon. I'd spent weeks under Garmadon's thumb, and now we had a chance to defeat him. We had the thing we needed to make him finally submit to us. We even managed to destroy the Oni Mask Killow had on with the raw power of the Colossus. We were winning. Each step that thing took was like a breath of fresh air after weeks of being underground. We'd done it.
...But Garmadon was stronger. His hatred for me was stronger than Skylor. We smashed his throne. We drove it all the way to him. But he let it drop from the tower. His anger had just gotten bigger the longer that we fought him. And once he had control, that was it. Skylor couldn't measure up to that. And the longer she tried, the more she looked like she was in pain. The more it looked like, everything was going downhill. It was like our victory had never happened. But she kept trying. She kept going and trying to take control, even as she looked ready to collapse.
Somewhere in the struggle, the Colossus struck a building and caused it to collapse. I don't know when it happened. I was too focused on helping Skylor. I only looked up by chance. I looked up to see that building collapsing with the Colossus in front of it. But it wasn't the building I noticed. It was the person on top of it. Harumi was standing on the roof. She was there, and we looked right at each other. Somehow… somehow, I was able to see her. See everything like that. And… and watch, as the building collapsed.
...I've… I've talked about this already. But I can't, I can't forget her look. I could barely see it. I didn't even really see it. But… but I could feel it. It was like, all of the space between us didn't exist. I saw her last moments. I saw… I saw her face as it happened. Her face as… as the building collapsed. She was shocked. Confused. Scared. And… looking right at me. It wasn't a look, of anger at me. Or blaming me. She looked like… like the girl I met in the palace. She wasn't putting on an act anymore. She… she realized, she was about to die. And I saw it.
… And… she did. She went down with it. Garmadon went crazy. He started destroying everything with the Colossus. Skylor had been poisoned by his power, and couldn't take control anymore. I realized that she couldn't fight him without getting worse. We'd lost the battle. We'd, lost everything. And… and…
...I'm going to end the chapter here. I'd taken, everything from Harumi. Garmadon was enraged and, now we had lost more than just our hope. And through it all, I was about to learn what it truly meant to face my father.
"Alright," Nya stood up, "That's enough."
Lloyd didn't say anything. His head was hung. His cheeks were filled with dried tears. The seat under him had bunched up from where his hands had dug so hard into it. He didn't respond at all to how Nya spoke to him. His hair hung down over his face, obscuring the look of his eyes.
Slowly, Nya walked over to Lloyd and got down on one knee in front of him. She reached out and took his hand with her own, squeezing it. Lloyd didn't respond. After a moment, Nya slowly leaned down so she could look up into his green eyes. His expression was hollow and exhausted.
"Lloyd…" Nya slowly gripped his hand, "You've spent so long thinking you have to carry all this yourself. Didn't you say that you couldn't fight everyone's battles for them? You shouldn't be fighting this one yourself, either." Lloyd didn't respond.
"I know she meant a lot to you," Nya continued, "Even if she hurt you. You care for everyone, Lloyd. The fact you feel this way about her proves that. That's why you're the Green Ninja. Because you care about everyone in Ninjago. After listening to all that, I know that you're not a bad person. You are not responsible for what happened to her, Lloyd."
Lloyd slowly lifted his head, his eyes starting to well up with tears ago, "How… how? You… you were there, Nya… You…"
"Yeah, I was there, and that's how I know you didn't do this," Nya sat up along with him, "You wanted me to listen to these chapters because I understood, Lloyd. You knew I was there. None of the others would get it. I do. I know you didn't, Lloyd," Nya frowned, "And I won't let you keep going thinking that you did."
Lloyd trembled as he shook his head, "Why… why does this hurt, Nya? Why? Why can't I stop thinking about her? I shouldn't feel this way. I-I lost my dad, t-that should, that should hurt more. Why? Why doesn't it? Why am… why am I feeling this way?"
"I don't know exactly why, Lloyd," Nya shook her head, "Only you know that. But I do know that you're a good person. You wouldn't be feeling this way if you weren't. Even after all she did, you still cared for her. What happened ot her, happened. But I know you're strong, Lloyd. After all she did, you didn't let it break you. I don't know if I could've done that. But you held on," Nya's grip tightened on his hand, "And I won't let you give up now either."
Lloyd looked down at Nya. The one that been with him the entire time. The one that was beside him through all of it. When his friends died, when Harumi died, all of it. Someone that hadn't given up on him. Even after all of this time. Lloyd' seyes began to fill with tears. As soon as Nya saw this, she sat up and smiled at him.
"Y-You… you…" Lloyd gripped his fists, "I-I'm not… strong. I'm not, like that. L-Look at me? I-I can't even… I can't even talk about this without… without letting… without all this just…" He gasped a bit as a fresh wave of tears rolled down his face, "How can you say that, when I'm… I'm like this?"
"Because you've always been strong, Lloyd," Nya nodded her head to him, "And even if it looks like we're being hard on you, it's because we're your friends. We know what you're capable of. And it's just like you said," Nya smirked, "Ninja never quit. You never quit when Harumi did all this to you. So, I won't let you quit on me either."
Lloyd stared at Nya for a few more moments. Then, a few more tears rolled from his face. Then more. And more. And soon his facade had finally broke. He hunched over as he finally, fully, cried. Cried over Harumi. Cried over what she'd done to him. He didn't want to break down in front of Nya. He'd spent so long refusing to do it. He couldn't hold back anymore. His teras flowed from him as he let all of those emotions out as he sobbed in front of Nya, in front of the one person that'd stayed by his side during all of it. All the while, he could feel where she was holding his hand, and feel how she just smiled at him the entire time.
"I-I'm sorry, Nya, I-I…" Lloyd blubbered out. Before he could say more, Nya moved forward and sat down beside him. She drew Lloyd into her shoulder. Once there, Lloyd couldn't help but stay there. Nya wrapped her arm around him and held him as he cried, and let him finally show someone the pain he'd felt.
"Just a few more chapters, Lloyd," Nya smiled, "Just a few more before we finish this. You don't have to keep this from us anymore. And we'll make sure everyone knows it."
Lloyd didn't say anything. Instead, he just accepted the embrace from her friend as the minutes dissolved away as he finally, fully, let his emotions run free and cried into Nya's arms. The chapter he'd been holding back had closed, and it was time for him to finally move forward.
