I always wondered if somehow my childhood mentors and friends were more competent and less goofy during their Devil King slaying days. If Kazuma's memoirs are anything to go by, that's hardly the case. Though considering just what they were up against, maybe that this makes more sense than one might think. -NS

Despite my sudden fervor to unlock Yunyun's H Scene, one does not conquer the Devil King in a day, even if you've managed to defeat all the generals. Or at least make friends of and/or domesticate them. Honestly, at that point we had no less than four former generals on our side, depending on how you count Cecily's pet chihuahua and Chomusuke.

Really, we were halfway to having our own little army of demons, even if they did come in fun-sized variety. I'd say that's what started giving Megumin ideas, but honestly that little menace had been plotting just such a course the entire time. And people say Yunyun is the one to make friends in odd places.

At least having Vanir on our side was productive, as the former Duke of Hell turned out to be quite the deal maker, and within a day had a wagon loaded with supplies ready for us. I would not, however, be riding on a horse, as that was what Sebastian was for. I had hit upon the brilliant idea of adding an aerial division to our little army, as I rather enjoyed the thought of flying high above the battlefield, well out of harm's way. As such, our five griffon companions had been added to our forces, along with Buttercup and her horsey friends. Don't ask me what my horse's name was. I'm sure Yunyun remembers, but I don't.

The day before we departed, the ladies decided to go out shopping for a few last minute things to bring along on the trip. Normally I'd think they'd be looking at clothes or other girly pastimes, but considering their tastes, I correctly surmised they were after weapon and armor upgrades. I consider shopping to be one of the more insidious forms of torture in the universe, so I begged off to have a morning off to relax.

To my disgust, Ravi actually wanted to tag along. He's always been something of a clotheshorse, comes with being a prince of Elroad I imagine. Though Yuki seemed to have made up his mind on the gender issue (or rather, Darkness had and he went along with it) I forgave him for thinking shopping was fun if only because he had spent far too much time as a woman to know better.

Thus, I found myself eating brunch (having successfully managed to sleep in for the first time in ages) with none other than Vanir, who looked rather the worse for wear.

"All that procurement proving to be a bit much for you?" I asked as I poured tea for the both of us.

"Please, moi is a far more capable merchant than you could ever dream of, boy who lies better to himself than others," Vanir told me with a broad grin.

"What's got you down then? Sad we're going to be doing in your former boss the Devil King?" I asked curiously.

"This for the Devil King," Vanir said, and bit his thumb before flicking it in a generally northerly direction. "No, moi is merely dealing with the travails of mortality. Why anyone should ever actually wish to be mortal escapes moi, even if moi's fiscally impaired companion seems to be enjoying herself."

I shrugged. Honestly, mortality has its perks: just ask the gods about that no boinking rule of theirs sometime. "You'll get used to it. Not sleeping well?"

"Moi was sleeping well, but of late my rest is somewhat interrupted. At first moi did not mind, as sleep is an abominable condition that renders one unconscious for far too long each day, but it seems moi cannot stay awake for all hours of the day and night any longer."

"Just try a glass of ale before bed, does wonders for me," I told Vanir, who gave me an incredulous look. "Or, if you don't mind being called a sissy, try warm milk. Yunyun seems to enjoy that."

"Moi has learned that if one drinks before laying down, one shall have to use the chamber pot before the day comes," Vanir told me icily. "Do not try to fool moi; moi has had enough of it from the foolish prince who gave up his crown for a kingdom's sake."

"Suit yourself. You'll get used to it," I told Vanir, serving myself some more crepes and sprinkling powdered sugar over them. "At least the food's good. Can't tell me you don't enjoy eating."

Vanir nodded absently, putting a dash of pepper over his hard boiled egg, then taking a bite. He chewed, then swallowed, letting out a sigh. "Attending to the needs of moi's mortal coil is, perhaps, one of the only things preventing moi from seeking out a suitable monster to allow moi to return to hell. It is not as delectable as purest despair, but it is amusing."

"There's a lot of benefits to being human. In heaven I'm told you only get to sit around and praise the gods. Sounds bloody boring to me. Give me the carnal pleasures of this earth any time." Heaven might be boring, but I'm told they have wifi in Elysium. Too bad you have to do something heroic to get in there.

"Ha! In hell, we drink the wine of the suffering of mortals! It's a far more entertaining place," Vanir told me.

"Well, I'd say that sounds fun, but considering I'm on the mortal end of the spectrum, I think I'll pass if it's all the same to you," I told Vanir. "Besides, I rather enjoy a good night's sleep. It's not so bad."

"Perhaps for you, but there seems to be an endless list of things moi must do to maintain homeostasis," Vanir groused. "One must sleep, eat, drink, bath, engage in sexual intercourse-"

I developed a sudden cough, causing Vanir to trail off in irritation. I tried to hide a grin, but I ended up just laughing in the former demons face. "Do what? You mean you're having a hard time sleeping because you're polishing the sword the entire night? Good grief, Vanir. I know it's your first time in a normal body but that's worse than even I ever had it, and I was a professional NEET for Eris's sake."

"Moi would be just fine with a single episode a day, perhaps less frequently," Vanir said testily. "But, alas, moi's moral fiber is not of high quality, and when temptation offers moi finds that things must rise to the occasion."

"At least tell me you're not rubbing yourself raw," I chuckled, taking up my fork and knife again.

"Oh no, Wiz has acquired a variety of oils after the first night; we were both quite sore," Vanir explained.

I paused, a bite of crepe halfway to my mouth. I slowly set it back down. "Come again?"

"You have recently acquired a woman; the child of crimson who views her people with trepidation can hardly be parted from you," Vanir told me, plucking up another egg. "Surely she's just as insatiable."

"We're not- look, she said we're defeating the Devil King first, so that's what we're doing before we, ah, cross the final frontier, so to speak. Now what's this about you and Wiz?" I demanded.

"Why, we have been fulfilling each other's biological necessities," Vanir said, frowning at me. "Moi distinctly recalls that practically all you mortals ever thought about; now moi understands why. The need does become quite pressing. Moi had no idea what the matter was until Wiz informed me the first night after her resurrection."

"You're taking advantage of Wiz?!" I demanded, feeling a mixture of jealousy, shock, and no small amount of awe. "I'd thought you a better man than that. You haven't even married her."

"Married?" Vanir wrinkled his nose. "A barbaric practice, done in the sight of those miserable goddesses. Though Wiz has been asking me which religion's ceremonies moi prefers. But, no, the misfortune merchant has not a devious bone in her body, even now that it is flesh and blood again. She cannot fool moi; for a Duke of Hell is the most cunning of beings in all creation."

"Sweet Aqua. She's tripped you into bed and you don't even realize what she's done to you, do you, you poor bastard?" I asked, slowly shaking my head.

"What? No, she did not trip moi, do not be absurd," Vanir protested.

I nodded, hiding a grin behind my tea cup. "And, pray tell, how did she lure you to your fate?"

"There was no luring! She merely came to moi after our celebratory supper. She had on a most fascinating dress; I had not realized why so many mortal men find the female form so preoccupying, but moi begins to fathom. We were talking, and it was cold, so Wiz kept close, and then…" Vanir trailed off, then blinked. "Blast and damnation! The witch has hoodwinked moi!"

"Well, I'm certain you can't say you didn't enjoy it," I said, and resumed eating. Sure, i was jealous that Vanir had crossed that finish line before me, but now that I was securely on the Yunyun route I was quite confident I'd arrive there in due time. We just had to hurry the hell up and git ride that Devil King. Or at least make people think we had.

"Er, perhaps not," Vanir admitted. And thus began the career of the former Duke of Hell as the most whipped man I have ever met. True, Wiz does let Vanir run the shop, as even she acknowledges his mercantile abilities far outstrip her own, but she merely has to crook her finger and Vanir will roll over and play dead.

Granted, I can understand. I have a devil of a hard time telling Yunyun no about much of anything. Hence my rather exaggerated 'defeat' of the Devil King, despite my better judgement.

Though I did put my foot down about that damn hydra. At least Megumin's Explosion was good for something, for once.

The next morning, we set out early, the ladies freshly accotramented for war. My old gear was still just fine for my needs, as what I mostly needed was to stay well out of everyone's way. Still, it was quite pleasant, riding Sebastian high above the world. I had purchased an extra thick cloak and mantle, along with a pair of goggles for my new aeronautical endeavors, and had gotten a matching set for my other companions.

Yuki, it seemed, was loathed to be departed from her Master for any discernible length of time, and as such, her griffon was rechristened as "Chunchumaru" and became Megumin's faithful steed. Why she named her griffon "bird song blade," I'll never know. I would have picked her out for a "Megadeath Destroyer" or something equally ludicrous. Even Iris's Murder Beak is more intimidating, if not as creative.

We had quite the time soaring through the sky together, though Iris would constantly send Murder Beak diving for anything bigger than a squirrel that moved on the ground. It was actually sort of amusing to watch, as her prey would recoil at first, scrambling for cover, only to breath a sigh of relief as Murder Beak peeled off. The more dangerous of her prey would often open their maws wide in eager anticipation as Iris plummeted the last few meters to the ground, thinking feeding time had come early.

That was typically about the time she lopped their heads off. I've asked her if it's painful to slam into the ground (or a hill giant) at terminal velocity, but her response is the arcane, "I have plenty of HP left, don't worry Big Bro."

Occasionally Iris would allow Murder Beak to live up to his name before fighting from griffon back against whatever was left over. I think she views this as "sharing" and considers it a great favor. Apparently Murderbeak holds the same viewpoint, which makes both of them mad.

Sebastian, having seen what happens to griffons who get cocky in the Gauntlet, is a much more sensible sort and would just as soon not. He's quite happy to keep me well out of danger, which incidentally keeps him safe as well. Excellent chap, Sebastian.

I hate to say it, but Ruffles is the idiot out of the bunch. Yunyun calls her "my sweetheart" and if there were ever actually a griffon that was a kind soul, it would be Ruffles. That big moron once brought home a very confused Beginner's Bane cub and tried to keep it as a pet. However, as Ruffles kept trying to sit on the cub like it was some sort of egg, that didn't last long. I tried to get rid of the thing, but, well, one thing led to another, and Princess became the star of what would become the Crimson Demon Village Zoo. Don't let the signs fool you: Princess would sooner lick an Adventurer and ask for scratches than eat one, and is about as dangerous as a kitten, which she insists on acting like.

Really, Yunyun's habit of making friends with dangerous monsters is utterly disturbing. You'd think she'd have better sense, but then again, she did marry me, so perhaps I should be grateful she has a habit of trying to rehabilitate monsters.

Aside from Iris attempting to depopulate the countryside, the only other real excitement on our journey came from Megumin's twice daily Explosion routine. We'd usually fly about until we found a particularly menacing bit of wasteland, or as we drew closer to the castle, just fly ahead a bit and let her bombard it. Yunyun would always make snacks for us, and Iris would typically try casting a bit of her own detonation magic while Eris and I observed. Then we'd have to judge who had the higher scoring bit of violence.

I took on the role of the Russian Judge and gave low scores all around.

"The back draft from that one smelled particularly foul, Meguminl: six points."

"Hmm, I think a bit of rock hit my leg afterwards, Iris. Five points."

Eris, on the other hand, was all praises.

"My goddess, I think you blew that crater in the shape of a heart, Iris, I love it! Ninety points!"

"Why Megumin, your Explosion threw that entire lake up in the air! Such a vivid rainbow! Eighty nine points!"

Somehow, and I honestly am shocked that they never caught on to this, Iris and Megumin would always end up in a dead heat. Then they would chat about their technique. Megumin even got Iris to say some wackjob poems before she unleashed her Sacred Explode skill.

"My blade sings with fury, my soul is alame! Come forth, sacred blood of heroes, to smite my foes! Sacred Explode!" Iris chanted, striking a dramatic pose, then sat back down and took a cookie and bit into it. "What do you think of that?"

"Um, that sounds, er, nice?" Yunyun managed, glancing at me.

"Very chuni," I agreed.

"It's good! But you need to not just say it, you need to intone your spells, like this!" Megumin cried, and stood up, standing on one leg, closing her eyes as she braced her staff above her head.

"Darkness blacker than black

Crimson, redder than blood

I call thee forth, from beyond time!

Let space itself be rent asunder!

EXPLOSION!"

There was a deafening boom, and I caught Megumin one handed before lowering her onto the picnic blanket.

"Well, you nearly blew over Yunyun's umbrella, so I'm knocking points off for that. Three points," I told Megumin, and handed her a manatite crystal. Not enough to re-arm her, mind, but enough that she could sit up unassisted.

"You just don't have proper appreciation for a good Explosion," Megumin grumbled, snagging two cookies and shoving them into her mouth at the same time. Despite the years, she's as voracious an eater as ever, and I've never seen her without at least a little food hidden away on her person. Though considering she grew up with Komekko, I can understand.

Now, you might think we were sitting ducks and being rather foolish taking a little tea while overlooking the Devil King's castle. You would be forgetting about Sebastian and his friends. Oh sure, a few redcaps or bands of orks tried to ambush us, but even Ruffles is smart enough to see that coming, and while Sebastian isn't fond of conflict, he's rather good at it. Let's not even get into Murder Beak or Chunchumaru, who relish the idea of killing a dozen foes. I'm not certain where Fortuna stands on it, but even if Eris's griffon is rather regal in her bearing, that doesn't stop her from viewing goblins as a tasty snack.

In the evenings, we'd fly back and make camp with the rest of our merry band. Iris would invariably challenge Ravi to a duel. After me telling her off for a solid week, Ravi actually butt in right in the middle of my lecture.

"Actually, Señor Kazuma, I would like to face her highness, if you do not mind."

I glanced at Ravi, feeling bad for the kid. "You sure? I mean, we've got Aqua around to resurrect you, but let me tell you kid, death is really unpleasant."

"Oh, I won't kill him, just beat him so everyone knows that Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg never loses!" my little sister snarled.

"Ah, you see, I do not intend to lose. But I promise to be gentle, you see?" Ravi said, giving me a winning smile.

"Your funeral, kid," I told him, shaking my head. Everyone paused in their evening chores, and we walked a short distance from the camp.

"Señor Vanir, would you consent to be my second for this event?" Ravi asked, taking off his coat so that he wore only his white undershirt. He rolled up the sleeves, drawing his rapier and swishing it through the air a few times.

"I shall be your second, Lady Iris!" Claire volunteered eagerly.

"Nah, I don't need a second," Iris said with a wide grin.

Eris coughed. "According to dueling conventions, you do need a second, Iris."

"Ugh, fine, Claire can be my second," Iris said, rolling her eyes. Claire eagerly scrambled to Iris's side, beaming with happiness.

"Alright, I want a nice dirty fight, from both of you," Chris said, spitting to one side and swaggering to the center of the arena.

Ravi raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you supposed to tell us the rules, and to fight cleanly?"

"Where's the fun in that? You got dirty tricks, use 'em. I ain't a crusader, I'm a thief! Fighting dirty is the name of the game," Chis laughed. She eyed Ravi. "Speaking of, what is your class? Swashbuckler?"

"No, I am merely a humble Adventurer, like Señor Kazuma," Ravi said, saluting Iris with his sword.

She eagerly returned the salue, a wide grin on her face. "Ha! As much as I love Big Bro, I'd destroy him in a fight! He's a skill monkey!"

"Ah, well, you see, there are Adventurers, and then, there are Adventurers," Ravi said, giving Iris a roguish grin.

"Hmph. Are we going to fight, or talk?" Iris demanded.

"Fighters to your corners," Chris said, raising her hands. "And...begin!"

Iris blasted towards Ravi using her charge skill, her sword held high as Chris used Flash Step to exit the makeshift ring.

Instead of meeting the charge, Ravi flipped over Iris with the Acrobatics skill, and tossed a rope at Iris. "Bind!"

Iris grinned, as if she'd been waiting for that."Sacred Explode!" The rope, and a significant portion of the arena, was vaporised as she planted her feet, then launched herself into the air, howling like a banshee.

Ravi was not perturbed, and, landing and raising a hand to the sky. "Create Earth! Gust!"

"Ack, pfff!" Iris cried, as fine dust blew into her eyes, mouth, and nose. She slammed into the ground as Ravi dodged to the side.

"Paralysis!" Ravi said, tapping Iris with his sword.

"D-d-damn you," Iris growled, and struggled to her feet. "RAAGGHH! BERSERKER RAGE!" Shaking off the status effect, Iris's face flushed as her eyes blazed even redder than a Crimson Demons, and she charged Ravi again.

"Mirror Image," Ravi said calmly, and suddenly, there were five of him. Iris didn't slow down though, sweeping her sword in a wide arc, and catching one of the images. The other four, however, struck at her, and Iris cried out as the real Ravi drew a pinprick of blood as his thin blade snaked into a chink in Iris's greaves. She spun about, taking out another phantom, but Ravi struck again, this time slicing Iris's cheek in a lighting lunge. She slammed a fist into him though, and this time the remaining two after images vanished in a puff of smoke as Ravi was hurled across the arena.

"You're mine!" Iris bellowed, and ran forward again. As she did so, however, her steps were slowing, and she began to pant for breath.

Ravi managed to get to his feet, but Iris was quick enough he took a cut to his torso, and he danced away, desperately trying to dodge and parry her assault. After a flurry of blows though, Iris was lagging, her rage fading as she began to turn positively green.

"What...did...you do...you cheating...bastard," Iris panted, Caliber's tip dragging across the ground as she stumbled after Ravi.

"Crippling Poison," Ravi told her with a grin. "Do you yield?"

"Never!" Iris roared, and with a surge slammed into Ravi, dropping her blade and going after him with her bare hands. They rolled about in the dirt, Iris clearly giving better than she got, until Ravi suddenly grabbed her by the hair. She'd taken to wearing it short, but Ravi wasn't trying to pull her hair, but get in contact with her flesh.

"Drain Touch!"

"Damn you! Stop!" Iris growled, and punched Ravi in the gut twice. He held on grimly, and though Iris continued to batter him, her blows were growing weaker by the moment. At last, with a groan, she sagged on top of Ravi, nearly crushing him under the weight of her armor. He released the spell, and managed to push Iris off of himself, then stood, groaning and clutching at his injuries.

"Winner!" Chris called. "Iris can no longer continue! Ravi wins the match! Now pay up, Eris."

"Damn you Chris," Eris grumbled, taking out her purse and counting out a handful of coins. "I didn't think Iris could actually lose to anyone."

"Ha! Shows what you know. Clever wits and good reflexes trump brute force any time, sis," Chris said, snatching the money and tucking it into her pouch. "Right, well, one of you healers get Iris back on her feet."

The first thing Iris gasped as soon as she was conscious again was, "FIGHT ME!"

"Ah, I would feel bad to take advantage of a lady in such a state," Ravi said, bowing to her. "Perhaps another time, my lady."

"You cheated again!" Iris growled, standing up, her hands balled into fists as she glared at Ravi.

So, I slapped her upside the back of her head. "OW! Big Bro, what was that for?!"

"You are being quite rude. Ravi consented to your fight, which, by the way, there were no rules for, so he hardly cheated. You lost, little sis, fair and square. Now, be polite. What do we say after we lose?"

"...good match," Iris muttered, bowing slightly to Ravi.

"Sorry couldn't hear you, what was that?" I asked, putting a hand to my ear.

"IT WAS AN HONOR TO DUEL YOU!" Iris barked, bending fully at the waist.

Ravi flushed, and gave Iris a graceful court bow, flourishing his rapier. "It was my honor and privilege, my lady. Truly, the goddess herself must have smiled on me to best you."

"I damn well didn't, lost a good ten thousand," Eris muttered.

"Well I thought he was cool," Aqua said, sticking her tongue out at Eris. "Ravi's totally awesome!"

"You are too kind, Lady Aqua," Ravi said, flushing slightly.

"Hmph." Iris straightened, and glared for a moment, before glancing at me and my cocked hand, and flushed. "Um, good fight. But just you wait! I'll train extra hard! I've seen your tricks, and next time, I'll beat you!"

"I'd say I'm looking forward to it, my lady, but honestly I am as fond of a brutal beating as the next man," Ravi chuckled. "I shall continue to master new skills, that I might provide you with another entertaining bout."

Honestly I'm surprised Iris has taken her loses to Ravi over the years so well. She's rarely ever managed to best him, while I've honestly lost track of the wins he's earned. I half think that's why she married Ravi: so he'd never be able to get out of fighting with her, even if most of their disagreements seem to be verbal these days.

Still, I got to spend some pleasant evenings with Yunyun, relaxing by the fire, or finding a quiet place to ourselves. We limited ourselves to second base, as it were, but still it was rather invigorating. It did have the unfortunate effect of convincing me walking up to the Devil King's fortress and demanding battle was a good idea. I'm certain if I'd been able to talk my way into Yunyun's skirts before the battle, the post virgin clarity would have made me realize how stupid I was being.

Then again, she's managed to get me to do some rather insane things for less over the years, so you never know.

Uncle Ravi will tell anyone who listens that Iris was the one who defeated him by stealing his heart, but her Royal Majesty Aunty Iris will always rebut the only reason she married him is so she could get a proper rematch. They still fight all the time, and I do not want to know what the make up sessions are like, or why Iris always insists she wins all of them. -NS