Author's Note 2020 - December.
Hello everybody.
I had wanted to have this ready for N7 day in November but as these things worked, it wasn't as simple as getting up and writing. I had… made a few mistakes a few years ago. And my frame of mind wasn't in a place where I thought I had the ability to right them. You see, I haven't really written for years. I can make a lot of excuses. I can blame a lot of things. Depression being one of them. My own inability to consider myself capable of producing anything decent anymore another. But. This loose end has been haunting me. It's haunted me for years and I have picked up and tried several times to complete it but couldn't.
Then one day, I got up and started rereading everything. And it felt different this time. So much time had passed between myself and this last chapter that it feel as if the person who wrote this was someone else entirely. I have changed and perhaps in that, so has Abby. When I read this I realised that I had allowed my own frame of mind to cloud that of my characters. That my depression in those years bled off of the page in these final chapters. And, I couldn't fix this story because I didn't know how to fix myself. But.
I got help. I built healthier habits. In this year where everybody struggled and scrambled and spoke about their hardships, I almost felt a little guilty because, for the first time in years, I had the time to look at myself and decide how I am going to continue once this pandemic has finished. That I had to decide what was going to be my new normal when all of this was over. It was a reprieve. It was a blessing.
I hope that this all finds you well. I know this will find you changed, if you returned after so many years. You are not the same either. The world turned in many different directions this year. But, I want to tell you – I feel hope and I see hope for us all.
And, I certainly hope that you will stick around this time because I intend to finish this soon for the next story has already been started. There will be a sequel after this and I will continue to write, even if it is just for one person.
To the old gang who pulled together to get me through this. I hope you know what you've signed up for.
Now, before you start reading, there is a few things you have to know. I've changed a LOT of things from Chapter 28 onwards. Have a look at the Author's notes – they will guide you. I've already uploaded them so they will be ready when you start to read. If you have found your way back here after that, fantastic.
I started writing this series before Mass Effect 3 was released. At that time, Dr Chakwas didn't have a name so I chose to name her Catherine. I haven't changed it to Karin yet but chose to continue with that name for the time being.
Let's see this to the finish.
Chapter 37
As Jane suspected, her mother came into the room along with Catherine Chakwas, immediately making a bee-line for the couch as the doctor joined Dr Gable and escorted her outside. She studied the way the veterinarian moved as she left the room, her movements strangely out of sync with the world, her muscle function just a little off. She remembered an image from the dream she had, of a woman called Abby who had taken her into her clinic. She remembered the dog and she remembered the woman's crutches.
It was only a dream of course but Jane knew that it meant something. If she had time she would have loved to analyse it, discuss it. But, she had none left.
There was no more time.
She looked to her mother then, perhaps because she had been so acutely aware of Abby's movements she noticed for the first time the way her mother limped slightly and it made her frown up at her when she stopped by the couch.
"Can I help you to bed, Janie?" she asked, her tone uncharacteristically soft. Jane as still trying to figure out how to deal with this new Shepard. This new captain that appeared to be so much more human. It was hard to fathom, but she knew that her death must have changed her mother. Still, she had a feeling the limp was new.
"Why are you limping, Mother?" she asked and held out her hand in confirmation, allowing the older Shepard to pull her to her feet. The motion still hurt and her hip cramped for a moment, the pain sharp enough to make her take a breath. She felt her mother's grip tighten on her arm as the woman stopped all her movement.
"Maybe I should wait for Catherine..."
Jane released her breath and shook her head, pulling Hannah Shepard in closer so that she could put an arm around her shoulder to steady herself.
"It's okay," she said. "And just imagine how proud she will be of the two of us. Now, why were you hurt? Why are you limping?"
Hannah snorted and put an arm around her.
"Your... friend's partner is possibly one of the most dangerous people I have ever met."
Blinking, Jane stopped abruptly and glanced back to the door. "Asura?" She asked, then felt white hot rage burn inside her. "Did she hurt you?!" She couldn't imagine how or why, but...
"No." Hannah said quickly. "No, no. This wasn't her fault. Directly. She was investigating a case for Aria T'Loak I believe, a series of murders made to look like some ritual killing. Or something. I knew one of the people who might have been involved so decided to accompany her. It was a Cerberus operation," she glanced at Jane as she said this. "And, things went a bit awry. I guess if anything this asari protected me for she is like an army all by herself. But she is dangerous none the less. Tell me, what is your relationship with her partner? This Dr Gable? Catherine told me you saved her from mercenaries?"
Jane nodded slowly, first thinking that she should ask Miranda about this Cerberus operation but then realising that it had probably been dealt with already.
"How badly were you hurt?" She asked instead, choosing not to answer her mother though she felt a little guilty. She had not answered her question of Samara either.
You have to do better by her, she heard the voice of her conscience speak to her. You owe her more than distance.
"It was merely a scratch," Hannah waved it off and finally helped Jane settle on her bed. She looked as if she wanted to fuss a little more but stood back, not knowing how. Jane studied her for a moment and then, with an inward sigh, shifted on the bed to make space for her.
"Sit with me a moment," she invited her. "Please. What happened?" It was telling of their relationship how long her mother stood there, clearly debating whether or not to join her. Looking at the woman who had aged so much since Jane last saw her, the commander found herself wondering whether Hannah Shepard would have indulged this kind of behaviour five years ago.
Yet, whatever the death of her two closest family members had done to her psyche, it seemed to have soften something in Hannah's heart and demeanour because she breathed in and smiled at Jane before she carefully sat down beside her, slipping off her shoes as she did so. This closeness was awkward and new but when Jane breathed slowly, she found her mother's familiar scent wash over her and it felt... comforting. Shifting so that she could sit close to her, Jane took her mother's hand and carefully rested her head on the woman's shoulder, breathing in the smell of home as her mother proceeded to tell her of the day that led up to her seize of the Normandy. Her tale bore more resemblance to a report than a retelling but Jane appreciated it because she knew it wasn't embellished.
"That Asura is very skilled at fighting," Hannah finished, her hand maintaining a constant pressure on Jane's, her head lightly resting against Jane's. "And dangerous. I find it both frightening and fascinating that the asari hide away the knowledge of... creatures such as herself. It makes me wonder how many of them they have in their ranks, how many they command. You know, there was a moment, before the fighting started, before we were even in the building that I thought... It's strange but there was a moment of compulsion that we shared, where we were talking and she... Well. In that moment it felt as if she was the most important thing in my life. As if her... touch was all that I desired." Her lips thinned. "I have not thought of anybody like that in years, much less an alien such as herself."
Jane suppressed an internal shudder. "There aren't that many," she said slowly, though wondered about it herself suddenly. "The justicars, like Samara, they are sworn to hunt down all like her. Asura lives because she shows more restraint and is responsible for the care of Dr Gable." She thought of her unanswered question.
Try harder. She deserves more.
"Abby is... a friend. She fell on hard times and we were able to assist. She also has the ear of Aria T'Loak, though I don't approve. But she is dear to us. To me." As it had been on Hagalaz, it had been hard to say good bye to Abby for some strange reason.
Jane felt the pressure in her hand increase as her mother tightened her grip.
"And the justicar?" The term seemed unfamiliar on her tongue. "Samara. Tell me about her. Please."
There was a rawness in Hannah's voice Jane had not heard before and Jane recognized what it was.
The need for connection.
Damn you, Jane Shepard. Try harder.
"I don't know what to say mum," she spoke softly. "I love her."
This wasn't news to Hannah. Clearly a mother, even one as distant as hers, had insights into her daughter's heart.
"She is not like those... who can deliver... compulsion?"
The question stemmed from ignorance but it did make Jane a little angry. Her mother was of the old sort, the warriors that had seen the last echoes of the first contact war. The world had changed under their eyes, the world where humans had had to fight for their position in the galaxy. Her mother also had no fondness for aliens as her first true interaction with them had been during the Skyllian Blitz when she had to protect their colony from the barbaric batarians. Emotions were raw on both sides and Hannah had slaughtered more of them than most.
But, she did it to save me.
"Samara is not like that," Jane spoke slowly unable to keep the chill from her voice. Hannah sat up straighter and turned her head so that she could look at her daughter. Jane didn't know what she had expected in her eyes, but it certainly had not been sorrow.
"I hope she is worthy of you, Jane."
The words hit her hard and drew her back to that moment on the asteroid where they faced each other, the fate of thousands in their hands. Samara had stood with her through that on the precipice of a new world where her code meant nothing.
Because the reapers were coming and they would spare no one.
"Have you thought about what I said, Jane?" Hannah Shepard asked, then hesitated, her next words chosen too carefully. "If I take the blame for this, you can be with her."
Subtle mother.
"Trying to manipulating me is unbecoming of you, Captain." Jane spoke dryly and shifted so that she could face the aging soldier more easily, the comfort of her presence momentarily diminishing. "I will not let you do that. You know as well as I do that they will quarter you for this." She met her mother's gaze as steel met steel.
"And they won't do the same to you?"
"They will try," Jane spoke coldly. "But you know as well as I do that a process like this will take time. And I can bet you that before a conclusion is drawn the reapers will be upon us. They'll have to listen to me then. If you take the blame for this, it will undermine the very reason I died and... and had to come back." She regretted bringing it up immediately because she didn't want to discuss death with her mother. She was interested to note though that the topic didn't bring as much discomfort to her mother as she expected.
Perhaps because she was already familiar with the process it had taken to bring her back. She had had a lot of time on the Normandy and probably enough exposure to Miranda Lawson to sate her curiosity. The idea brought a small measure of relief because it meant she wouldn't have to answer questions herself.
Still, she didn't miss the cold passion in her mother's crystal eyes as the captain reached across the bed and grabbed her hand.
"They will destroy you, Jane."
Her laugh was bitter and quick.
"They already tried, mum," she retorted. "After the attack on the Citadel they send me out to the Far Rim to right geth. Geth. After I had just told them that the geth were pawns to a race much more dangerous and hell benton destroying us. I had argued myself hoarse in rooms filled with old men and women with more brass on their clothes than in this ship's wiring and they denied me. They patted me on the back, told me I did a good job and then sentme where I could speak to no one. Where I could influence no one. They were probably relieved when they heard of my death because it meant they wouldn't have to face the truth. Or so they thought." She saw the look in her mother's eyes and frowned.
"Speak your mind. If you think that I am mad, just say it."
Grimacing, Hannah didn't let go of her hand.
"I think you are being very short sighted," she said slowly. "And, they didn't send you to fight the geth to get rid of you. Believe it or not, there was a faction who sent you there to protect you. You might have been the hero of the Citadel, Jane, but your decision to defend the Destiny Ascension severely crippled our forces. People struggled to come to terms with it."
Jane narrowed her eyes. "People like you?"
Hannah didn't blink. "Yes," she confessed. "People like me. I would have chosen differently. Done differently." Her mouth narrowed before she sighed. "But you and I are two very different people. You have your father's vision." She turned away from Jane abruptly and looked at the display case above the couch where Jane had gathered several model ships. The habit was in part Miranda Lawson's fault, who had made her put a few together to test her fine motor skills. Then, Jane had started giving them , Emden, Jakarta, Cairo, SeoulWarsaw, Madrid, Cape Town. There weren't enough for all the ships she had ordered to their destruction so she bought more. But it felt disrespectful to the sacrificed dead to only name those of human origin so she got more. The turians. The council fleet.
She named and remembered them all.
The pressure of her mother's touch grounded her and her own pain exhausted her suddenly. Jane sagged a little into herself and turned to the woman across from her.
"Mother, tell me – honestly. Do you believe me?" She held her breath as Hannah Shepard regarded her. It was so difficult to read her expression in that moment.
"Jane, you are my daughter." She said it with so much passion that it brought tears to Jane's eyes. She swallowed against the urge to start sobbing and put her hand over her face, rubbing at her eyes to try and get rid of the hateful moisture.
"Then understand that I need you on the outside," Jane spoke softly. "You have more friends in the Alliance than I have. If Hackett gets his head out of the sand and supports Anderson publically. If you... If you talk about the data you saw here. You can at least start preparing people. They trust you a hell of a lot more than they do me. I have done what I can, but it wasn't enough. I need you to help me now."
She had never asked her mother for help. Never. It was part of the boon of growing up with one of the most formidable alliance commanders. Things got done and where Jane had a passion for the people who worked with her and liked to be involved in their problems, her mother always expected people to sort out their own drama. She didn't have that connection with people that Jane had. It made her good at following orders, even when they weren't the right ones. It was why she had followed Jane's command to focus their firing on the geth fighters when the Destiny Ascension was attacked. Because it was an order.
Jane had seen the ripples of that decision echo through the galaxy. Among the alien communities it had bought her respect and reverence, instilling in them the knowledge that her Spectre status was earned and deserved. To the humans, she had shown that she wouldn't put their interests first.
And humanity whom she had come to understand to be one of the more selfish races, didn't take that well.
Her mother wasn't doing well with her request either but finally, Jane saw her nod.
"Alright Jane," she said. "I see your point." She grimaced, shaking herhead. "I don't like it. But I see your point." Her mouth thinned as she glanced at her omnitool.
"Hackett should be here in the next few hours. Why don't you get some rest?"
Jane breathed deeply and nodded, still feeling fragile and exhausted.
"I would like that," she swallowed, wishing for water. "You don't have to call Chakwas to come and check up on me. Just... help me get out of these shoes."
Help me. Again.
Jane wondered how many times she had said those words and by the way her mother was looking at her, she decided that her mother had to be wondering the same thing. Still, she accepted it with a slight nod and it made Jane feel childishly better. It was the small battles she should focus on and getting her mother on her side at least made her feel as if she won a war.
"Are you alright, my dear?"
Abby blinked out of her reverie and glanced at Dr Chakwas. In the elevator now, the doctor still had her arm around her because Abby had lost her balance when the elevator had started moving. The doctor had pulled her closer and now simply stood there, her arm still around her waist with her touch firm and comforting. Abby realised that she had sagged against her and straightened.
"I... am," she said. "It's just a lot. But... I mean, you must feel the same way. More so." She looked at the older woman's face, seeing the exhaustion that hid behind the faint lines around her eyes.
"This affects you a lot more than it does me."
Chakwas said nothing for a moment, her blue eyes distant as she stared at the empty space before her. Abby remembered that wild day she had stood here with her as well, holding a gun in her hand that she didn't really know how to use. She had not needed support them, having just realised that by some miracle an ardatyakshi's touch cured her. The hope she had felt that day had nearly driven her mad.
"I am a soldier, Abby," the doctor's spoke finally. "I have seen worse. This horror is still distant." She sighed softly, her grip tightening momentarily. "But I know what you mean." Her tone reflected the exhaustion Abby felt and forced the vet to gather herself, not wanting to be a further emotional burden on the woman.
"What are you going to do?" She asked instead. "I get the feeling Jane expects them to arrest her."
Chakwas nodded slowly. "It's a bit early to say," she pointed out. "But it depends on whether Hackett arrives here on his own or with an army."
Abby frowned at her choice of words.
"Aria won't like it if that is their course of action," she pointed out. "She takes a dim view on invasion, I'm sure."
Catherine smiled bitterly. "Well, they won't be here for her," she said. "They have a protocol set out for operating in the terminus systems." Abby didn't comment but looked at the doctor until Catherine smiled at her. The elevator had stopped moving but EDI had not opened the door yet. Sometimes, this was the most private place on the Normandy.
"If they do come to arrest Jane," Catherine continued. "They will probably arrest me as well. Firstly, I will claim responsibility with her, if only through association and..."She smiled suddenly with genuine mirth. "You might not know this, Dr Gable, but you are in the company of a wanted deserter from the Alliance military. I just packed up and left my job at Mars. Didn't even clear out my office."
The vet blinked surprised.
"I... really? Why... how long ago was that?"
Catherine smiled. "Well over a year ago, but like Joker I've been with Cerberus ever since then." She shrugged. "I don't really have any family, Dr Gable. A sister who also lives out here in the terminus. My parents have long since passed and I have been in the military all my life."
Abby's heart tightened. "Then they owe you more than that," she pointed out, feeling a little angry for the doctor's sake. She was surprised when Chakwas smiled and nodded in agreement.
"That's what I felt on Mars," she pointed out. "After Jane died they separated all of us, sending us to different postings. I was retired and hidden away at Mars because I didn't want to stop championing Shepard's cause. I spoke about the reapers, tried to rally my friends to act. I have served and saved many in my years in service and had hoped that it would be enough to keep the momentum going. That they would... Return the debt they owed , it all proved to be fruitless. They posted me to a position that any incompetent pencil pusher could do, claiming that it was a promotion. A comfortable... retirement job where I could see out the rest of my days in service in peace." She snorted, her tone of voice changing to a droll tone clearly aimed at mimicking whoever had given her the news. "You are getting on in years, Catherine. And to see the Normandy be destroyed like that... surely you must reach a time in your life when you tire of taking so much risk..." Catherine made a sound deep in her throat.
"Miranda Lawson didn't have to do a lot of convincing to get me to join project Lazarus. Joker was an added bonus."
Abby tried to imagine Dr Chakwas in jail but couldn't. Another thought came to her.
"And Miranda?" she asked. "She can't approve of this chosen course of action. What will happen to her?" She didn't like the dark expression on Catherine's face.
"That only she can answer you, Dr Gable," the older woman said and finally reached out and touched the button for the elevator to open. It was such a useless thing because really, all they had to do was ask. "Miranda's case is different than mine. I'd be... concerned if she chooses to surrender herself as well. I think in an ideal world, she should take the Normandy and the crew and see what she can do. We don't all have to go with the Alliance. Even I will only surrender myself if Jane does."
Abby didn't really see the point but didn't want to question the old woman's actions.
"When will you know?" She asked instead. "Do you have a timeline?"
Catherine nodded slowly and reached out to take Abby's elbow, quietly asking permission to guide her from the elevator. The vet showed her approval simply by allowing the woman to guide her outside.
"Hackett will be here in a few hours," Catherine said. "Then, we'll see. I hope he will be decent and give us a moment to finish our affairs. But, if he comes with that army, I doubt we will have a chance." Her face grew sombre. "You shouldn't return to the Normandy again, Abigail. It would be best if you keep yourself out of this, it has nothing to do with you."
It didn't feel that way. Sniffing loudly, Abby didn't look up as she paid attention to where she put her feet.
"I doubt Asura will let me come back," she confessed and noticed the way Chakwas' expression shifted.
"Have you two..." The doctor chose her words carefully. "You were going through a bit of a rough patch these past few days. Will you be alright, Abigail?"
Abby hoped that her smile was answer enough to the doctor.
"I believe we will," Abby said. "Your talk helped, I really appreciated what you and Kelly said to me. And we are... trying new things. The understanding is that if it doesn't work, we build a new normal. An... intimate relationship might not be what either of us want but..." She found herself blushing suddenly as they stopped by the airlock.
"We won't know until we try. Asura loves me, Dr Chakwas. She will fight heaven and earth for me and that... That is such a blessing. It's only fair I try and meet her halfway."
"Relationships are hard," Chakwas said. "And yours is more complicated than most." She turned so that she could face Abby and put her hands on her shoulders, studying her face for a moment.
"Dr Gable, I have send you some information of my contacts on the Citadel," she pointed out. "I know you feel as if you have everything under control and I am more inclined to believe you now than I was when you last left us. But I also don't want you to put your salvation into the hands of one asari. You know as well as I do the concerns we have over your continued melding and the compounding negative effect it might have on you. If Mordin and I are pulled away to other duties or," she chuckled slightly, "incarcerated, I want you to continue to monitor your health. And find an expert. You are not without hope."
Abby heard what she said and promised herself that she will try to make the time to reach out to Catherine's contacts. If only because she respected the fact that Catherine tried to help her. The doctor seemed to find some comfort in her expression because her features relaxed and abruptly she pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly for a few moments before she let her go.
"Dr Gable I am very poor at saying good bye," she pointed out, her eyes very bright. "So, you will forgive me if I depart now to resume my duties? Ah, yes thank you." Abby had nodded because she could not deny her even as her own throat tightened with tears.
"God speed, Doctor," she spoke softly. "Take... take care of Shepard."
The fierceness in Catherine Chakwas' gaze didn't surprise her.
"That's what I intend to do," she said and inclined her head before she turned around and left. Biting her lip hard, Abby shifted her weight to the crutch and noticed that the airlock was already open for her.
"I'll... see you around EDI," she said softly and started to step through the door when the AI spoke.
"You won't, Dr Gable, I am uncertain of where my whereabouts will be."
Abby didn't know what to say but was relieved when Asura came through to collect her on the other side. The asari's face was soft as she offered her an arm and when Abby touched her she found comfort in her presence immediately.
"Then take care of yourself instead EDI," she said. "If you can."
"I need a crew for that," the AI didn't seem too worried. "Kelly Chambers says that she will come to say good bye if it looks as if we might have to leave. But, I am assuming you will not return here."
Abby felt Asura's gaze on her as she sighed and took a long look around her.
"No," she said quietly as she felt a little of her heart break. "I guess I won't."
The End of Chapter 37
More to follow soon...
