AATS
Chapter 37
Infection


I never found the beauty in longing for the impossible and never found the possible to be beyond my reach.

-Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand


It was a memory or a dream of a memory. Jr. felt warm water on his legs and hips. Albedo's hands were on his skin. The feeling wasn't as powerful, the heat of his touch was dulled and the notion caused the first slow-blooming pangs of longing. Albedo hadn't fabricated this one. This was his own dream. He was alone in it.

Jr. had truly intended for them to bathe but the tub was far too small for the both of them. It was barely large enough for Albedo to fit comfortably. They'd never stood a chance. With the two of them crowded in such a small space, all pretenses of innocence were quickly lost. He remembered, vaguely, asking Albedo just who exactly had seduced whom. Albedo had kissed him, smiling into his lips.

Jr. remembered the inexplicable need to dominate Albedo. He was years behind him in this department and needed to catch up, quickly. Jr. wanted Albedo to melt when he thought of him, to fall to his knees with only a simple look, a simple thought. The feeling had made Albedo laugh. As if things weren't already this way, as if he weren't already on his back, at his Rubedo's beck and call. He had submitted to him so easily, after all. Albedo could deny him nothing.

"Oh, how your body sings to me," He had said. Jr. remembered wet hands on his chest, on his sides, and the almost painful flash of embarrassment like a quick string being pulled from his navel to his chest as Albedo moaned, "Velvet Dragon."

Jr. had shut his eyes and objected, half-heartedly, distractedly.

"I could call you anything so long as it was said in the bath," Albedo teased.

Jr. groaned and leaned down to kiss Albedo's stupid mouth shut. Albedo pleaded for him to slow down, to savor each moment. Jr. would hurt himself like this. There was no rush. They had all the time in the world.

That wasn't true. Their time was so limited, so scarce. He must have known that too. Why did he keep insisting that everything was fine, that the pieces would naturally and perfectly fall into place? Why did he always want things slow? Why did Jr. need to be patient? When would Albedo tell him where he was hiding?

The water had turned cold. Jr. shivered when Albedo's hands touched him. It felt as if he were smearing ice over his skin. Albedo's fingers were in his hair, on his collar bone. This wasn't right. Jr. didn't remember the cold water or Albedo's hand wrapping around his throat. Jr. opened his eyes but instead of Albedo, he found Gaignun beneath him. Gaignun rose in the tub, sitting up and wrapping both hands around Jr.'s throat. The motion caused the tub to overflow. Water spilled over its sides and onto the tile floor. Gaignun pushed Jr. down until he was under the water. His hands had disappeared, replaced by the black creature that had dragged him into the lake. He was there again, under the freezing water, unable to breathe, being dragged to the bottom. He reached for the top of the lake, but Albedo wasn't there. Jr. couldn't feel him. He didn't know if he ever would again.

"I love you, Rubedo."

Jr. jerked awake. He sat up and his hands went immediately to his throat. His mind was a few seconds slow catching up with him. He'd left it behind in the darkness of the lake.

Jr. had awoken in the living room of the beach house on the couch. He was covered in a thick layer of blankets, two of which had been thrown off when he'd sat up. His hands moved from his throat to his heaving chest. He heard a noise and swung his head to the right. He found Gaignun asleep in one of the chairs opposite him, on the other side of the glass living room table. The table was littered with take out boxes and half-eaten food that Jr. couldn't remember eating. He heard the sound again, a small rustling at the foot of the table. He followed it and found Alby there with his little body halfway inside a delivery bag. Jr. clicked his tongue at him and the puppy froze for a moment. Jr. did it again and Alby fought his way out of the bag to check. When he was free he froze again, staring intently at Jr. as if to make sure that he was real.

"Alby," Jr. said softly.

Alby shivered in excitement and relief but stayed quiet, unsure if the noise would upset Jr. His feet tapped in place and his ears flicked back for a split second. Jr. motioned for him and the puppy took off into an immediate sprint. He jumped onto the mountain of blankets and ran for Jr. Alby rolled his body all over him and jumped up to lick his chin. His little body simply could not contain his excitement. Jr. tried to calm him down but gave in eventually. Alby finally exhausted himself and plopped down limply on Jr.'s lap. He rolled onto his back, begging for belly rubs.

Jr.'s memories came back as if they were being poured into him slowly. He remembered crying hysterically in Gaignun's arms. He wasn't sure how long that lasted, he just remembered feeling incredibly weak. He remembered Gaignun begging him to eat. He remembered Gaignun ordering too much food because Jr. wouldn't tell him what he wanted - because he didn't want to eat. Jr. remembered eating anyway because Gaignun's nagging was almost as bad as the empty pain in his chest. Gaignun begging him to drink water because he was dehydrated. Gaignun threatening to grab an ether kit if he didn't at least try to drink. Gaignun begging. Gaignun worried. Gaignun's cold hands. Gaignun's voice and his words over and over until Jr. complied with whatever he wanted just to make him quiet.

Jr. had never noticed how similar Albedo and Gaignun's voices were until then. Or how similar their hands were, despite Gaignun's lacking Albedo's constant heat. Even now, as he slept in the chair, he reminded Jr. of Albedo. The shape of his body, the way it was slouched, the lines of his face - everything about him was Albedo. Of course they would be similar, he thought angrily. Jr. concentrated on the little things that made him Gaignun; his short black hair, the red numbers on his open palm, the softer, less muscular lines of his body. There was a book laid open on his knee, one of Jr.'s, half-read: Atlas Shrugged.

Gaignun must have heard his thoughts or felt the intensity of his stare or both because he finally opened his eyes. Green eyes. Tired eyes. Gaignun drew in a deep breath through his nose and straightened up.

"Jr.," He groaned. He stretched slightly, knocking the book onto the floor as he did. He bent down for it quickly, careful to make sure that none of the pages were creased. Gaignun had always been a stress reader. Jr. had a habit of stuffing a book or two in Gaignun's luggage when he would leave on long business trips. Gaignun had never questioned Jr.'s book choices. He'd simply read them, happy for them and grateful for the distraction.

Gaignun cleared a space on the table and placed the book carefully on it.

"I like Dagny," Gaignun said awkwardly, his voice thick with sleep.

Jr. couldn't put into words the strange mixture of relief and disappointment he felt with every movement that Gaignun made. It had never been so hard to look at him. Jr. kept looking at his numbers, at his hair, at his eyes. Was he hoping that he would dissolve away into Albedo or was he thankful that he was Gaignun, that he was real and solid and safe? Jr. couldn't figure out this puzzle, didn't have the energy to.

Jr. didn't want to be awake. It meant that he had failed. It meant that he would have to explain to Gaignun what had happened. Jr. wasn't exactly sure what had happened.

"You like strong women," Jr. said dismissively. "A true feminist."

Gaignun seemed to relax at Jr.'s voice, despite the tone or perhaps because of it. Jr. sounded more like himself and less like an empty shell.

"There are worse things to be."

There was something heavy in Gaignun's voice. It was similar to the way Albedo sounded when he was avoiding Jr.'s questions. He still had so many questions.

"I guess there are," Jr. answered. He reached into the pile of cold food and grabbed the first thing he could reach. It was some kind of kebab. Jr. wasn't sure what the meat was. He spun it between his fingers, remembering the last time he had eaten...with Albedo. He took a vicious bite out of it and tried to pull himself out of his dreams but when he looked at Gaignun they all came flooding back.

"I know you have questions" Jr. said around a mouthful of food. "But I don't know what to say or where to begin."

He lowered the food, as if his own words had been the inspiration for his next thought and asked,"Gaignun, can you feel Albedo?"

There was a momentary look of surprise on Gaignun's face but it vanished just as fast as it had appeared. He leaned back in his chair and went quiet for a few soft minutes before shaking his head. "No."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

Jr. nodded and took another bite. "That could have saved me a lot of trouble if I had asked you earlier."

Gaignun watched him in silence, absorbing every word, every sentence he was willing to offer. Alby had leaped into the floor and was sitting beneath Jr., looking up with large purple eyes, ready for whatever scraps Jr. would offer him. Jr. pulled off a particularly large piece and smiled as Alby clamped his little teeth around it.

"But I knew you'd stop me and I really needed answers."

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

Jr.'s smile faded as he pulled back. "No...or not... I have one answer."

Jr. looked at Gaignun, and he seemed to flinch under the contact, as if he were the one in trouble.

"Albedo's alive. I feel - I felt him."

Jr. allowed Alby to pull the last piece of meat off of the stick and tossed it onto the table. He clasped his hands together and leaned forward.

"This will be faster if I just..."

Gaignun hesitated for a moment. Jr. misread his hesitance, remembering what Dream Gaignun had said.

"I'll only show you what you need to see."

Their mental barriers had lessened since Jr. had awoken. Gaignun had been too worried about Jr.'s health to stay entirely closed off and Jr. had simply been too exhausted. He was tired of keeping secrets. Gaignun needed to know. Gaignun braced himself and allowed Jr. through.

It was a lot of information at once and Gaignun had a hard time keeping up. His own thoughts kept popping up, disrupting the flow. When it was all over and Jr. pulled away, Gaignun could only stare at him in shocked silence. Finally, after a few tense moments, he sighed.

"You're right. I would have stopped you."

Jr. snickered and leaned back into the couch. He watched as Gaignun tried to sort through the information he'd been given. Gaignun's expression was a question, was a hundred questions, and he didn't seem to know where to start. He was having trouble deciding which ones were the most urgent. He was sifting through them as he would a mountain of documents dropped onto his desk.

"Say whatever you're going to say," Jr. said.

Alby jumped up beside Jr., belly full, and cuddled into his lap. Gaignun straightened up and said, firmly and clearly, "I would accept him, if you were to bring him home."

Jr. hadn't been expecting that. He blinked in disbelief and found that he was blinking back involuntary tears, as if the previous fear was leaking out of him. Gaignun didn't see them. He was looking away, his chin in his hand, still sifting through information.

"Didn't hide that very well, huh?"

Jr. turned away from him and buried both hands in Alby's fur. The puppy groaned happily.

"You don't think it's wrong?" Jr. asked, pretending to be distracted.

Jr. had never allowed himself to think too hard about it. They were not only bioweapons but clones, not only clones, they were brothers and not only brothers but twins. He hadn't allowed himself to think about any of the wrongness. He hadn't had the time. It had all happened so fast. He had fallen, in the very way Albedo had predicted. Just like all the others. The only thing that had mattered was getting Albedo home and making the transition possible, permanent. Albedo hadn't allowed Jr. the space for it to matter. The entire thing had been a whirlwind and now that the dust had settled, Jr. was left battered and bruised with only the battle scars to show for it.

"You're adults," Gaignun said simply, as if that put a bow on the whole thing and tied it up neatly. "There's nothing about the two of you that follows any kind of rules."

Jr. wasn't sure how to take that statement. Gaignun had said it easily and without any disgust but there was something in the way he said it, something secret that Jr. felt he wasn't supposed to know; an undisclosed bitterness. Jr. let it go. Gaignun was entitled to his secrets. Jr. had been keeping his own for far too long. Gaignun dropped his arm and when he turned back to Jr. that cold bite had disappeared.

"Can you feel him?" Gaignun asked. "Is that pulse still there, at the end of your link?"

Jr. nodded. He hadn't tried to push against it, to unravel or explore it the way that he planned before Albedo had arrived. He had avoided thinking about it. He was still a little shaky. He grabbed a bottle of water.

"Even if I broke past it, I don't know if I could find him. You saw the way we were separated. I don't know who's in charge of him but whoever it is...I can't just waltz in and take him."

Jr. ran his hands over his face and sighed into them, frustrated.

"Albedo seemed...afraid of him. I couldn't..."

Jr. shook his head, remembering the way his power had reacted to the black creature.

"I couldn't stop it."

There was something in Gaignun's eyes. It reminded Jr. of his earlier dream, and he asked, without any real thought or motive, "How did you get past the barrier?"

"I'm not sure," he answered. "You were weak. You had been asleep for far too long to create any real resistance."

They had pushed his body too far. He wondered if Albedo had known how weak Jr.'s body was growing. He'd been trying to stretch out every possible second. Jr. would have let him, if he'd been asked. He would have let Albedo stay with him until it became truly dangerous. Jr. wondered, as he had wondered before, if Albedo would have ended it before he'd gotten that bad. He was probably hoping that Jr. would figure things out before it got to that point. Jr. had been hoping that very same thing.

Jr. threw the blankets off, surprising Alby who hopped from them to the floor, ready to follow Jr. where ever he decided to go.

"I don't have much time," Jr. said, standing.

"Where are you going?"

"He knows that I'm coming for Albedo. I've got to get dressed and get out of here. I need to find the guy who's keeping him...or using him or...or I don't know, holding him hostage?"

Jr. started to turn around, to the dining room when Gaignun stopped him.

"Wait, Jr. Do you know where to start?"

"With that knot," Jr. said, looking up at him. "I'll find a way to untangle it or break through."

Jr. turned again and started walking toward the suite. Gaignun followed, cutting him off.

"You don't know if you can. You could seriously injure yourself."

"Albedo's the one twisting the link," Jr. said, moving around him. "If he's being ordered to keep it shut then there has to be a way to get through."

Jr. kept walking toward the bedroom suite, pushing away Gaignun's words of protest. Gaignun ran ahead of him and stood in the doorway, blocking it.

"What are you doing?" Jr. asked, crossing his arms. "You've seen what I've seen. You know that I'm telling the truth."

"It's not a matter of whether I believe you or not, Jr. You say that Albedo was afraid of this person. If Albedo is afraid-"

"He's afraid because he thinks that I need to be protected but I-"

"You do."

The firmness of Gaignun's voice and the hard set of his lips really pissed Jr. off.

"You're not going to tell me -"

"Jr., look at yourself. You've been asleep for four days. You've only been awake for a few hours. You're in no shape to - "

"You're in no shape to tell me what I can - "

"I am!"

Gaignun leaned an elbow against the door frame and shoved his face into the hand attached to it.

"I am because...because it was me."

Gaignun couldn't bear to look at him. He kept his eyes closed, safe behind the bars of his fingers. Jr. had gone completely silent. It was an eerie, painful silence. Each second of it hurt. Gaignun could feel the return of the butcher's knife under his skin.

"What did you do?"

Jr.'s voice was worse than the silence. It was full of a dark anger. It shook Gaignun's resolve.

"I'm the one who brought you back. I'm the reason you're separated."

Jr. shoved him, hard. Both hands landed against Gaignun's stomach. He stumbled backward into the suite. He barely had time to find his balance before Jr. shoved him again.

"Jr., I didn't know - "

"Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"How could I have known?" Gaignun shouted back, catching Jr.'s hands as he came to shove him again. "You've been a wreck since his death. When you came shooting through our link -"

"What would you have done if I had told you the truth? It wouldn't have made a difference!"

"I wouldn't have -"

"That's bullshit!" Jr. pointed to the bed. "You're trying to say that if you had known the truth, you wouldn't have woken me up. That you would have trusted me to - "

"No, I wouldn't have. You're both reckless. He should have left you the second night - "

"He couldn't!"

Jr.'s threw his hands up, and laughed. It was hopeless, angry, disbelieving laughter completely devoid of humor.

"Don't you get it, Gaignun? He was afraid that we would never see each other again. The burden was on me to figure out how to find him and because of you, I may never find him again."

Jr. dropped his arms and moved as far away from Gaignun as the room would allow. He leaned against the outer wall of the bathroom. Gaignun's eyes followed him intently. He anticipated Jr.'s next words like a man awaiting his execution.

"How did you separate us?" Jr. asked. His arms were crossed again and his eyes were trained on the floor, on the white puppy looking back up at him. Alby was completely unconcerned with the heat of Jr.'s glare and wagged his tail in a slow, even motion. When Gaignun didn't answer fast enough Jr. spoke. He winced at the words.

"I can force you to tell me."

"Don't," Gaignun said, raising his hand as if that alone could prevent Jr. from tearing through his mind. He ran that same hand through his hair and walked over to the bed, sitting down on the side of it. It was unmade. The blankets and pillows were in complete disarray. It made the room seem smaller, out of balance. Everything was disheveled, including Gaignun. He looked uncomfortable and out of place in his own skin.

"I..." He winced again and frowned. He struggled with himself for a few moments, and said with a ragged sigh, "I used my voice."

The flicker-flashed memories of Jr. obeying Gaignun just to keep him quiet. Lifting food and drink mechanically because Gaignun ordered him...to...

Wake up, Jr.

Jr. dropped his arms.

"I didn't know what I was doing," Gaignun continued, trying to defend himself. "I couldn't read your thoughts. I could barely feel you. I just reached for you, I found you and I pulled."

"That doesn't explain..."

Jr. looked down at the glaring numbers on his hand.

"I couldn't use my power."

Jr.'s eyes stayed locked on the numbers, tracing and retracing the red curves. He didn't see Gaignun's jaw clench or his shoulders tighten.

"I don't think you fully understand just how weak you were."

Gaignun's voice came from a far away place, as if the sound were trapped in the fog of Jr.'s nightmare. Something didn't feel right about that answer. The circumstances were muddled and messy. The rules that Jr. had always lived by didn't seem to apply anymore. Jr. didn't remember hearing Gaignun's voice, but he remembered the dark figure floating on the lake's surface and the way it turned to look at him.

Jr. couldn't dispute it. They had never tested the abilities of Gaignun's voice, and he was right, Jr. had been weak. He was still weak, as much as he loathed to admit it. An overuse of an untested, uncontrolled power could have produced almost anything.

Jr. wondered if Albedo had known who had separated them. Jr. couldn't describe what Albedo had become after his death, but he wasn't the same. His powers weren't the same. Creating that pulse at the end of their link wouldn't have been possible before. Had he held back because he had known that it was Gaignun or had he been too afraid to use any new abilities because it might have attracted the attention of his... What was Jr. supposed to call him? His enemy. His faceless enemy.

Gaignun had changed. Albedo had changed. Jr. was the only one who remained unchanged. The universe was a constant blur of drastic, dramatic transformation that swept around him. as if he were always trapped in the eye of it, watching from the inside-out.

Albedo had known there was no winning. Jr. had to find him. Fast.

He looked over to Gaignun and Gaignun saw the collision of stars in his eyes. They were filled with indecision and the desperate need for some solid answers, something concrete to build real foundations upon. Jr. was remembering Miltia and the constant war of choosing one brother over the other. The only luxury he couldn't afford.

"Get out," Jr. said. His voice held no violence or anger. He'd said it as a command, one that Gaignun felt that he couldn't follow but one he also felt that he couldn't deny. He steeled himself and said, as gently as he could, as if he were begging, "Come home."

Jr. made a noise, as if the idea were absurd. Gaignun stood and walked over to him. He moved with caution, as if Jr. were a violent predator whose territory he had unintentionally stumbled into.

"You can't stay here."

"I can't go back."

Jr. couldn't imagine what it would be like to go back to the Durandal. His room would be too small. His office would only have one desk. His bathroom was lacking a tub. Just as those thoughts hit him he remembered their night on the beach and the way Albedo's suit caught the lights reflecting off the water. Jr.'s eyes flickered momentarily to the bed. Albedo had infected every space he owned. The knowledge was disorienting. He felt as if the room was becoming smaller, suffocating. Gaignun's hand was on his shoulder and the feeling disappeared. Jr. looked up at him and found that his fingers were gripping his shirt, over the right side of his chest.

"You can't stay here," Gaignun repeated.

Albedo was everywhere. Albedo was nowhere. Albedo was a ghost, a phantom, the gray-white mist that had kissed Jr.'s skin as he'd run to the dock in hectic, confused panic. He was a dark void in his chest, a sinking longing, a ghoulish echo beating in his right chest.

"You asked for my help. Let me help you."

The distrust in Jr.'s eyes was something Gaignun had ever experienced before. He'd seen it used on others and had felt it through their link but it had never been leveled at him.

"I think you've helped enough."

Jr. shrugged off Gaignun's hand and moved away from the wall.

"Jr.-"

"What? Are you gonna command me to leave with you?" Jr. spun on him, arms open wide in challenge. "You going to force me?"

"It's not...like that, Jr."

"Then what the hell is it like, Gaignun?!"

"I'm just trying to keep you safe. I didn't know what else to do."

Jr. turned away from him. He knew that he wasn't being fair. He had made the choice not to tell Gaignun and it had bitten him in the ass. There was no time to think about it. He had to keep moving. He had to find Albedo. Jr. had to focus on that. He was unsteady on his feet. He reached out for the wall to support himself and his hand landed against Gaignun's stomach. He had noticed Jr.'s uneven steps and had rushed to side, ready to catch him. Jr. snatched his hand away.

"Come home," Gaignun tried again. "I'm not telling you to stop looking for him I'm just asking you to allow yourself the time you need to heal. Preferably on the Durandal where we can help you if you need it."

"I can't."

"Jr., I'm sorry. If I could take it back I would but please - "

"No, you don't get it."

Jr. didn't know if he could explain with words the sudden, inexplicable fear that the Durandal held for him. The beach house held it for him too. There wasn't a place on the Foundation, no street or sector that hadn't been infected. Albedo had done so well.

He could explain it through their link. He could make Gaignun understand with a simple thought but his pain felt private and far too personal to share. He had told Gaignun everything there was to tell. Jr. could keep this.

"How do you sleep when you're away from them?"

The question caught Gaignun off guard. Jr. was turned away from him, looking out the windows into the blank white fog.

"It was only a few days but..."

His eyes swung away from the windows, and he turned to the bed.

"It felt like years. Like...I've wasted my entire life spending my nights alone."

He turned to face Gaignun. There was a silent determination in the line of his shoulders, in the stars in his eyes. He sighed and his gaze turned away, to focus on some unseen thing.

"I never want to spend another one alone again."

Jr. shrugged. A shy, almost embarrassed smile flashed across his face. It was still new to Jr., the admittance. It still felt like a secret and revealing it sent a slight rush through him.

"Does it always hurt like this?"

"No," Gaignun said. His voice was full of sympathy, of a deep understanding.

Jr. snorted and swiped at his eyes.

"Good. That would defeat the purpose."

Gaignun knew what he needed to say, but he felt the wrong words on his tongue waiting for a chance to escape. He remained silent.

"I'll come home."

Gaignun suddenly remembered the rain. He had never programmed it to stop. Jr. squinted through the glass into the fog, as if he could find all of his answers if he just stared hard enough.

"But you're not going to stop me. None of you are going to stop me."

It was a threat, a dangerous one. It dared Gaignun to challenge him, to say anything that would persuade Jr. to change his mind.

"No one will try," Gaignun said. He hesitated for a few moments before adding, "I...promise."

Jr. locked him in place with that distrustful gaze.

"I won't stop you."

Jr. stared at him for a few moments longer, searching his eyes, probing at the edge of his link.

"I'm bringing him home, Gaignun. No matter what it takes."

"I know," Gaignun responded. He tried not to wither under Jr.'s glare. He tried to stand straight and tall. He tried to become unmovable, to transform into something that wouldn't break under those powerful blue eyes. It was a losing battle.

"That's what I'm afraid of."


A/N: Sorry for the super late update, everyone. There were uploading problems with the site and then when those stopped I became to busy to upload. I would just like to announce that this will be the last upload until January. My work is even more hectic than usual, so I don't expect to be able to post anything until the holiday season is over. I might be able to put something out within that time but it's highly doubtful. We're rolling up on the last few chapters of this thing, guys. I'm kind of excited.

I'm giving myself the date of January 14th, so I hope you all have a wonderful few months. I'll see you on the other side of them.

Please stay safe, healthy and warm!