Brittany was 6 years old, eating her breakfast before school when she heard her mother suddenly cry out;
"Oh dang it! I forgot to say rabbit, rabbit!"
Brittany frowned in confusion.
"What do you mean Mommy?" she giggled.
"Well honey. It's the first day of a new month, and people believe if you say rabbit, rabbit as soon as you wake up, before you say anything else, it will bring you luck for the whole month" said Whitney, before noticing the look of worry that had fallen upon Brittany's face "But don't worry, it's just a silly folk tale. It doesn't mean you will have bad luck if you don't say it".
But it was too late, Brittany had taken the superstition all too seriously, and for almost two years she made a point of following it. The months she forgot brought tears and worry, and the Pierce's were mindful not to mention any more superstitions in future to their naïve and sensitive daughter.
By 8, Brittany had learned new superstitions from her peers at school, much to the Pierce's disappointment. Soon rabbit, rabbit was replaced by not stepping on any cracks in the pavement. By 9, the new thing was making sure to not walk under ladders, and the Pierce's could be glad this wasn't a superstition that took hold as much. There weren't as many ladders as there were cracks in the pavement or firsts of the month.
By middle school she started growing out of her superstition stage, the same way she started growing out of her imaginary pet dog Lord Pawesome (her parents buying her a cat that she affectionately named Lord Tubbington may have helped this one). She still picked up penny's from the floor to bring luck, and knocked on wood in order to not jinx herself, but she didn't follow it as religiously as she used to. If she noticed it was the first of the month and she remembered to do it, she'd say rabbit, rabbit, but she'd no longer beat herself up if she forgot.
Brittany couldn't even remember the last time she had said it, but today on November 1st as she posted that all important letter to Santana, she said it vehemently.
Now all she needed to do was wait, knowing that it could arrive any time in the week. Her and Santana carried on talking as normal, and she wondered if the letter hadn't been received or read yet, or if this was just Santana ignoring the issue and carrying on as normal to preserve their friendship, as Brittany had requested if she didn't feel the same way. The more the week went on the more Brittany began to worry it was the latter, and she found herself looking for clues in her FaceTime's and phone calls with Santana. Was her tone off? Did she seem distant? It was November 4th by now, and she knew first class with UPS usually took around 1-3 days. Today was the third day, but nothing had changed. It was an agonising waiting game. Maybe she should have just text her or told her in person, but she was scared that option would put too much pressure on Santana if she didn't feel the same and cause an awkwardness. At least this way they'd never have to acknowledge it. Santana could just act like she'd never received the letter in the first place and their friendship would go on as normal, words left unsaid. It wasn't the ideal situation, but at least Brittany could be sure now that she'd said what she wanted to say, no regrets.
All she could do was wait it out and hope that Santana just simply hadn't read it yet.
It was actually November 5th when the letter made its way into Santana's mailbox, despite Brittany's worries the previous day that she must have already read and received it.
It was just a regular day in Lima, but Mila excitedly informed Santana and Dani over breakfast that it was a holiday in the UK today, Guy Fawkes Day. She was learning all about it in school, and she was excited to take her finished school project in around it. Being her creative self, she had gone the extra mile, with her paper plate Catherine wheels, foil sparklers, handprint bonfire and cardboard tube rockets.
"I'm sure your headed for an A+ sweetheart" Santana smiled enthusiastically "Come on get your stuff together, we better get going"
"I can take Mila babe" Dani offered "I have some time before work so I can drop her in. Saves you having to go out"
"You sure?" Santana asked.
"Yeah of course, plus we love our car sing-a-longs without Mama there telling us to turn it down, don't we Moosh?"
Mila laughed and nodded her head in agreement, before heading upstairs to collect her belongings for school.
"Thank you" Santana smiled appreciatively.
Things were still rocky between them after Dani's behaviour at the funeral, but Santana was grateful she was at least trying to make up for it, and she had apologised. She wondered how she was going to busy herself today and hoped that Quinn might be free. She was off work for the rest of the week due to the bereavement, the law firm she had worked at for over 5 years now as an Executive Assistant, kindly insisting that she took the time. She was grateful at first, but she was beginning to think now she would have been better off at work. Distracted and in a routine.
"We need to leave in five, Mila!" Dani shouted up the stairs, as she walked out to collect the mail that had just been delivered.
"Bill, Bill, Santana's, Bill" she muttered to herself as she walked back inside flicking through the mail. The last letter, handwritten and addressed to Santana, adorned with the New York postmark stopped her in her tracks.
She glanced up the stairs and down the hallway to check Santana and Mila weren't approaching and hurriedly ripped open the letter, curiosity getting the better of her, because she was damn sure she knew who this was from. She had just read the first few lines when she heard Santana's voice.
"Anything for me?"
Caught off guard, Dani quickly stuffed the letter into her pocket, making a mental note to read it later.
"Uh yeah…just this one" she said, handing over the other letter that had arrived for Santana.
Santana carefully read the front of the envelope, studying the postmark and date, before looking up at Dani.
"From my dad" she said sadly "In France, the day before he died"
"Oh Santana don't read that!" Dani sighed.
"What?"
"Well, it'll upset you" Dani explained, her brow furrowed with concern.
Santana looked back down at the letter in her hands.
"I'm already upset…"
Dani shifted uneasily; she really was no good at handling this situation.
"Do you…want me to stay?" she offered, but Santana could tell it was far from what she wanted to do. She was itching to be out the door away from the awkwardness.
"Funnily enough, no." Santana shook her head, her tone a little harsher than intended.
"Well…call me if you need anything" said Dani "Tell Mila I'm waiting in the car"
When Mila and Dani had left, and Santana was finally alone, she sat down at the table and tentatively opened the letter from her dad.
Dear Santana,
Here I am at last. Finally walking the Mediterranean coast. I've lost count of the years I've waited for this moment. Somehow life got in the way, and it was all good I don't regret a minute of it, but we forget our dreams at our peril.
I know you had yours too, and it must feel sometimes like they're gone for good. But I'm so proud of the woman you've become Santana, of the mother you've been to Mila. What I once said about you is still true, there's nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it.
So keep chasing those dreams, will you querida? For my sake.
Dad
A teardrop landed on the paper, and Santana moved the letter quickly so not to smudge the ink, carefully folding it and holding it to her heart as hot thick tears spilled down her cheeks. She could almost hear her father's voice as she read the letter. It was a bittersweet moment hearing that final message from him. She was so glad to have that letter, but also sad that his zest for life had been snatched away from him.
She thought about George's words all day long. He was right, she did always have dreams. Dreams that seemed so far away now. Her biggest dream had always been to go to New York with Brittany, and as much as she adored being a mom, at the time she had been shattered at that dream coming to an end.
But now that Santana had a handle on her feelings, it occurred to her that it was less about New York and more about just doing life with Brittany. That was her biggest dream, but it also seemed her most out of reach dream. As close as she was to telling Brittany her feelings some years ago, now she felt trapped in the family she'd built for her and Mila, and far away from ever being able to tell Brittany that she loved her. Their lives were always headed in different directions, and on top of that, Santana was scared of the rejection. The not knowing how Brittany felt gnawed away at her every day, but she knew that was nothing compared to what she'd feel if Brittany outright told her she didn't love her back. At least now she had hope that there could be a chance still, and she could still rely on fate to somehow get them there. If Brittany crushed that hope, what would she have left? For those reasons, Santana couldn't chase her biggest dream, and she felt like she was letting her Papi down.
But she did have other dreams. For as long as she could remember she had wanted to be a Lawyer, and that was what she set out to study at NYU. She had always been very ambitious, but her pregnancy put a stop to all that and she never made it to college. She enjoyed her job as an Executive Assistant in a law firm, where she had worked for the past 5 years, but she had hoped at the time of accepting it that it would accelerate her and give her opportunities to expand into the career path of law itself, but this hadn't been the case. The work she was doing was purely administrative, and she had almost lost her confidence in her academic abilities. Plus, she'd never had the money to go back to college. Not until now. Her and Pablo were now going to be receiving their father's share of the house that their parents had sold just before they went off on their travels.
George's words were the confidence boost Santana needed. She might not be able to chase her Brittany dream, but she could at least chase her Lawyer dream.
That night, as Santana tucked Mila into bed, she said her thoughts out loud for the first time all day.
"Moo, what do you think about me using the money from Abuelo to go back to school and study to be a Lawyer?"
"I think that would be awesome, Mama" Mila smiled.
Santana returned the smile, taking Mila into her arms and burying her face in her soft hair. She could always rely on Mila to be her number one supporter.
"It's not a bad life, it's a bad day" Brittany repeated to herself, her patience wearing extremely thin as she watched the new cast mess up again. They were extremely close to cast change night, and she worried they weren't going to be ready. She knew today wasn't going to end well from the minute she woke up. Her alarm hadn't gone off for some reason, or perhaps in her tiredness from being overworked she had forgotten to set it, and it left her running late for work. So late in fact, that she had no time to detour to La Colombe and had to make do with the Starbucks conveniently situated next to the theatre, but it just wasn't hitting her the way the La Colombe caffeine did. Now this with the cast.
"Guys you're being sloppy. It's the same corrections over and over again" Brittany sighed "Take half hour for lunch and come back ready, because if we don't get this right after, I'm going to be forced to make some serious changes"
The blonde knew her words were sterner than she was used to, but it had to be done. The business was tough, and the cast needed to up their game.
"You're pissed" observed Kurt, laughing as he appeared behind her.
"Of course I'm pissed! They're giving me nothing back right now" said Brittany, spinning around to greet Kurt and rubbing her forehead with frustration.
"You'll get them to pull it together Brit. You always do" Kurt said confidently, and Brittany couldn't help but wonder how as the Director he always managed to stay so calm.
"Maybe, but I am seriously feeling the pressure right now. Thank the lord we only have two more days before Thanksgiving, because I'm in sure need of a break, even if it is just a day"
"I feel you, boo" Kurt pouted sympathetically "Actually about that Brit. I know we always do the whole Thanksgiving together thing when we're cast changing and can't make it home, but I wanted to ask if you have any other options because…I may or may not have been asked out on a date by the one and only…Blaine Anderson"
"You mean the Blaine Anderson you've literally been stalking for months?" Brittany gasped.
"That's the one" Kurt smirked proudly.
"Okay well in that case you have to go with him. I'll find other plans. Just try not to make me all jealous when you call me afterwards. Seriously Kurt I'm super happy for you, but when is my luck going to come in? My love life is practically non-existent"
"Well…I wouldn't say non-existent, Miss "Sleeping with my Ex" Kurt teased, and Brittany's cheeks flushed red.
"Kurt, shut up about that!" she hissed, glancing around to check nobody else heard.
"What!? I don't blame you, he's cute!"
November had been a funny one for Brittany. Not only was she anxiously awaiting for Santana to react to her letter, she'd had some weird dealings with both of her only significant ex's.
Twice more she had bumped into Denver this month, making it three times in total. Three separate occasions where throughout the whole of New York, they'd been in the same place as each other at the same time, despite not bumping into each other once the previous two years that Brittany had been back there.
And if she believed in all that, she'd be beginning to think it was a case of serendipity, and that the universe was trying to tell her something, that she needed to get back with him.
She did agree to meet him for a drink one evening, after the third incident. There's only so many times you can say no politely to someone. Surprisingly, she actually had a laugh. Denver had really grown and matured in the past 5 or so years, it was evident to see. Jacob was his pride and joy, and he beamed when he talked about him.
Denver definitely turned the charm on and flirted a bit, and it would have been easy to fall back into something with him if there was any inclination that Brittany felt the same way, but she didn't.
She could appreciate he was attractive still, but nothing further, and a few cocktails in the thought creeped into Brittany's mind that he'd be great for a hook-up, but she didn't go there. A good distraction yes but… too messy.
Denver wasn't the ex that Brittany had been sleeping with.
Sam was.
It had just happened one night after a few drinks with him, the two of them agreeing to go out since they had said they'd be friends and Sam knew literally nobody in New York. Each day without an acknowledgement from Santana about the letter, each phone call and FaceTime where Santana asked Brittany how her day was and how work was doing and what she was making for dinner instead of bringing up the feelings Brittany had dropped on her, was like a stamp to the heart. Even though she had told Santana not to acknowledge it if she didn't feel the same, she was surprised Santana had actually done this. She thought that even if Santana didn't return the feelings, she would still call, and they'd talk about it and Santana would assure her it would all be okay, and their friendship was going to stay unchanged. Now she just felt stupid, and almost like a time bomb was going to go off at any given moment. It was upsetting and confusing and she needed a distraction. Meaningless sex with men had always proven to be a great distraction for her, and old habits die hard.
Sam was there that night and he fancied her, and she couldn't deny he was an attractive man, so it just happened. It was fun, she couldn't deny that, and Sam had certainly improved since their teenage years.
But the issue was that it had kept on happening. Mostly alcohol-fuelled, but a couple times sober. Brittany was always clear to draw the boundary that this was just sex, she reiterated time and time again that she wasn't looking for anything more, and if he was hurt by this then they had to stop. Sam would insist he knew the score, but then he'd do things like show up at her work and watch from the auditorium supportively. Really sweet things, but things he couldn't be doing if they were going to keep up this 'friends with benefits' situation they'd conveniently found themselves in. The last thing she wanted to do was lead Sam on and hurt him.
"I know Brit. I know you don't want anything more between us, I get it. It's okay. I'm just showing up here as a friend today. No agenda" Sam had told her that day, after she raised her concerns.
So, it was the same vicious circle of them sleeping together, but then Sam would blur the lines and suggest something couple-y like a movie night, or he'd drop casual hints like;
"You know if you let me take you out, you could buy that dress you've been banging on about and actually have a valid excuse. And what's in it for me is good food and good company. It's a win-win"
So, then Brittany would have to talk to him and tell him they needed to stop, and then Sam would backtrack and insist he was joking. That he didn't want a relationship right now either, because his situation in New York was only temporary. She'd accept what he said, and they'd resume their arrangement, and the cycle would repeat again.
She was torn between actually really enjoying Sam's company and friendship, and the distraction and attraction of the good sex they were having, but she knew it was messy and it did need to stop. In an alternate universe, she would probably give Sam a shot. He was kind, attractive, great job, good values. The full package really.
But Brittany's heart space remained reserved for only one, and try as she might, there was nothing she could do to change that.
"So who are you going to hit up for Thanksgiving then?" Kurt asked.
"I mean…Sam asked me to do something" Brittany sighed "But you know that's complicated. I don't want him to think it's a date or anything like that. Spending Thanksgiving together could be considered quite couple-y. At the same time, I feel bad because, he doesn't know anyone here"
"Oh Brittany please" Kurt scoffed "There's nothing wrong with two friends who can't make it home to their families spending Thanksgiving together instead of being miserable lonely. I mean look at you and I"
"Well yes but you and I aren't hooking up, and you're also gay, so the chances of our Thanksgiving meet ups becoming romantically geared is…I don't know? Slim to none" Brittany laughed sarcastically.
"Okay point taken. But why don't you just make it a non-deal? Don't go all big with a dinner, just get takeout, watch a movie. Continuously point out to him that it's not a date like you always do anyway. There's nothing wrong with you still hanging out as long as you're clear and upfront about what it is. It's called friends with benefits, not just benefits"
Brittany laughed, Kurt was always one to give meaningful analogies, and she loved that about him. He was also right, so come Thanksgiving, Sam and Brittany did just that.
They ate Chinese takeout while they watched The Hangover, Brittany being sure to not pick a romance or even a horror where Sam might try putting his arm around her to comfort her. They drank wine, and of course they finished the night with sex.
The day hadn't been so bad, until in their post-orgasmic bliss, Sam reached his arm around Brittany and pulled her in close. This was something that she had made clear was off limits.
"Well I have to say I'm very thankful for that" Sam whispered into Brittany's shoulder "And I'm even more thankful for you, and the fact you came back into my life again".
Brittany pulled away uncomfortable, sitting up on the bed.
"Sam, please. Stop. This is weird, you're crossing the line again"
Sam sighed exasperated.
"I just don't understand why you can't give me a chance. We're good together. We were back then, and we are now. All I want to do is take you out on one date, see how it goes. I think you might surprise yourself and actually enjoy it. I know you've been hurt in the past and you're used to being single but…you know me Brit. I'm a good guy"
Brittany looked down hesitantly as she bit her lip. She hated being this person. She wished she could give him a chance and move on, but she just couldn't.
"I'm sorry Sam but I've told you, and the answer remains the same. I'm not looking for anything more than fun right now, and if this is becoming too hard for you, we really do need to stop. I don't want to hurt you, but my intentions have always been clear" she said, as she rose from the bed and put her robe on to head back downstairs and give them both some space.
"Brittany, wait…" Sam called after her.
"Just…learn to respect the boundaries we have Sam" she called back, frustrated, but also determined that this was going to end.
Brittany poured herself a glass of wine and checked her phone for the time, it was almost midnight. As she aimlessly scrolled through Instagram, she smiled looking at everybody's photos from the day, but she couldn't help but feel jealous she hadn't spent it with her own family. Today had been nice but, nothing beat the feeling of being around all of your family with a huge feast. There'd be other years at least. It was just the nature of her work.
She noticed Santana had put a story on and opened it up, seeing it was a picture of her, Dani and Mila.
"Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours X"
It simply said.
To the average person, they probably did look like a happy family, but Brittany knew her best friend and she knew by looking at Santana's eyes she wasn't happy. Feeling boldened by the alcohol, and unable to not acknowledge the elephant in the room any longer, she typed out her reply.
San. I understand we weren't going to speak of it, but I just need to know one thing. Are you happy with her?x
Santana was lying in bed, aimlessly scrolling on her phone. When she got the notification that Brittany had replied to her story, she thought it was going to be her gushing about Mila, she hadn't expected this.
She had opened up to Brittany about the troubles with Dani last month on the day of her dad's funeral, but they hadn't acknowledged it since, and they spoke every day. It was all very spontaneous and out of the blue, and it caught her off guard, but she assumed that maybe Brittany had a little more to drink than usual with it being Thanksgiving, so she was getting it off her chest.
"In fairness, I'd ask her the same question if the roles were reversed and she was the one telling me her relationship problems" Santana mused.
She stared at Dani's sleeping form next to her, then glanced over at the bedside table, a photo of her, Dani and Mila together, and typed out the most honest response she could give around the situation.
There's not much I've got right in my life but this family, somehow, we're making it work. So I guess the one word answer to your question should be yes x
And as Brittany read the response; she felt the tears prick her eyes. There it was; the definitive rejection. Sure, Santana's words were a little ambiguous but, in short, she'd said she was happy and making it work with Dani. That was enough for Brittany to know that this was enough now. She'd waited around all these years, kept her love a secret and hoped that one day Santana would say she felt the same way. Now that glimmer of hope had been stubbed out so fast, in a manner as simple as an Instagram message.
If Brittany wasn't so distraught, she'd laugh at how anti-climactic it was.
"Enough now. Time to get on with my life once and for all" was the only thing she could tell herself through her tears.
But as she heard footsteps approaching, she quickly wiped her tears, and she looked up at Sam who was fully dressed and looked to be on his way out.
"I figured I should leave. Respect the boundaries and all" Sam sighed.
And Brittany just couldn't bear to be alone right now so she shocked herself and found herself saying;
"No. No don't go. Stay. Please?"
Sam looked confused, and Brittany didn't blame him, but he nodded and didn't question it. They silently retreated back up to the bedroom, and climbed underneath the covers, and Brittany shocked herself again as she found herself asking for something that she had always said was off limits. But she just needed the comfort tonight.
"Sam…" she whispered into the darkness "Will you hold me please?"
She prayed he wouldn't be able to hear the vulnerability in her voice. Sam was confused again, but silently he did as he was asked, and he held Brittany all night.
And as she woke up in Sam's embrace, having pondered on her thoughts all night, she realised Sam wasn't her alternate universe, Santana was. In keeping with the superstition that things come in three's, Brittany shocked herself for the third time when she turned to Sam and simply said.
"Sam, I will go on a date with you"
Because she had to believe that if Santana was her alternate universe, maybe Sam could be her this universe. She had to let go, and have a shot at happiness elsewhere.
