I stood next to my trunk in the Entrance Hall, waiting for Snape to return to deliver me to my uncle. A student couldn't pass through the gates without a professor's presence.
I'm ready to leave, I thought. I've said my goodbyes to everyone. Well, everyone, except for Madam Pomfrey…
I realized that she would likely be extremely sad if I left without saying goodbye. I owed it to her to tell her exactly how much she meant to me, and that she helped me realize my destiny was to become a Healer.
I left my trunk in the Entrance Hall and ran to the Hospital Wing. I had to be quick, because Snape may return soon from wherever he was to escort me to the gates.
When I entered the Hospital Wing I was greeted by the sounds of someone caterwauling horribly. To my surprise, Professor Snape was there, hunched over a hospital bed with Madam Pomfrey on the other side. The sounds of the patient's blood curdling screams drowned out the droning sounds of Snape's Vulnera Sanentur spell. I had heard awful screams from students before, but these were unquestionably the worst.
"LET ME DIE! PLEASE, JUST LET ME DIE!"
The patient yelled that sentence over and over, and then collapsed into broken howls of agony. I clapped a hand to my mouth when I realized I recognized the voice. "Draco?"
I rushed to the bed, and thought I was looking at a nightmare. Even though his face was twisted in pain and the tips of his platinum hair were coated in blood, there was no doubt that it was Draco. He was lying on his back, his white shirt ripped to shreds and stained with gruesome red streaks. He looked like he had been tortured. Half-healed lacerations were all over his chest and arms, and bleeding profusely. There were too many to count.
"Oh, god," I gasped and clutched my chest.
"Erica, you shouldn't have to see this!" Madam Pomfrey shouted, frantically covering Draco's wounds with saturated patches of Murtlap Essence. Draco's eyes fluttered open at the mention of my name, and our gazes locked for one heated second.
"Erica." He said my name as if I were a holy apparition- but then dissolved back into agonized screams.
"Silence him!" Snape hissed. Madam Pomfrey cast a gentle "Stupefy" upon Draco, and he fell immediately silent and stiff. Snape continued reciting the healing spell, fighting against the wounds as they attempted to reopen themselves.
Without giving Madam Pomfrey or Snape a chance to tell me no, I took out my wand and joined Snape in chanting the spell. My hands were shaking so badly I thought I might snap my wand.
"Vulnera Sanentur," I said through trembling lips. "Vulnera Sanentur." I said it over and over, until the incantation began to sound like gibberish. There were so many cuts- and they just kept bleeding. As Snape and I healed, Madam Pomfrey applied the bandages and Murtlap essence, covering nearly every inch of Draco's white skin with oily, fragrant gauze. Snape kept one hand protectively on Draco's left forearm, covering the Dark Mark from Madam Pomfrey's eyes.
How could this happen, I thought to myself. Am I to blame for this? Did Draco do this to himself because I left, or did someone attack him? God, I hate this- I hate seeing him in pain. It makes me feel so damned depressed when he gets injured. I feel like I myself am hurting, too.
"Vulnera Sanentur," I repeated. "Vulnera Sanentur."
How on earth was Draco going to survive without me? I hadn't even left the castle yet, and he got injured again.
"Vulnera Sanentur."
This boy was like a walking accident; he attracted pain and injury everywhere he went.
"Vulnera Sanentur."
If I left, I would always wonder if I could have done more.
"Vulnera Sanentur."
I might hate myself forever.
"Vulnera Sanen-"
"Thorncroft."
I looked up, the last syllable of the spell getting caught on my lips. Snape had called me to attention.
"What?" I snapped. "Don't distract me, he needs to be healed-"
Madam Pomfrey gently grabbed my hand, lowering my wand. "The bleeding has stopped," she said softly.
I exhaled shakily, feeling a wave of relief wash over my body. My hand had grown cramped from clutching my wand so tightly, and I mechanically released my grip, letting my wand clatter to the floor.
I gazed at Draco's still face, frozen in agony. This may be the last time I ever see him, and it's under these horrifying circumstances.
I looked at Madam Pomfrey. "Can I… Can I speak with him?"
"Wait until the stunning charm wears off. He may reopen his wounds." Madam Pomfrey rose, smoothing her apron. "I must prepare more Murtlap essence. Excuse me."
Snape and I sat on either side of Draco in silence. All I could do was stare at him with my fingertips pressed worriedly to my lips. He was going to be alright, thanks to the immediate and thorough medical attention. But the wounds inflicted on him could have been lethal.
"How did this happen?" I asked quietly.
"Potter got his hands on a spell that was beyond his aptitude." Snape replied sourly. He seemed irate by this, and I was also enraged to hear that this was Harry Potter's fault. But anger wouldn't change the fact that it happened. I just hoped that Snape would punish Harry up to his ears for this.
"Thorncroft," Snape addressed me. "We must be going soon."
My breath hitched. I wasn't ready to leave yet. "Just... give me a moment, please. To say goodbye to Madam Pomfrey."
Snape remained by Draco's side while I stepped into Madam Pomfrey's office. She was transferring rations of Murtlap essence from a large jug into smaller vials to be applied to Draco's wounds every half hour, as well as Calming Draught. I silently began helping by corking the full vials for her.
"I would appreciate it if you didn't leave without saying goodbye," she said suddenly, still working fastidiously to pour the Murtlap essence with her wand.
I looked at her guiltily. "You knew?"
She gave me a reassuring smile. "Professor Snape asked for my recommendation two months ago." She moved the vials with her wand one by one into a box labeled D. Malfoy. "Ilvermorny has a fine healing programme, and they will be lucky to have you. When you first came to me, you were just 13. And you didn't look away once when Miss Parkinson was bleeding buckets from that Grindylow bite."
I couldn't help myself from tidying things up in her office; it was a force of habit. "I have you to thank for everything," I said to her as I placed lids back on their respective jars. "You helped me realize what my true calling was." Quietly, I added, "A part of me does want to stay."
Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Oh, hogwash. Professor Snape and I know you have the potential to be an incredible Healer, and there's only so much you can learn cooped up in this castle."
"I just feel like my job here isn't done yet," I said, peeking through the stained glass of the office door to where Draco lay.
Madam Pomfrey stopped rearranging vials for a moment and gripped me gently by the shoulders. "When I was in training to become a Healer, we had a saying. A good healer will fight day and night to save a life. But a spectacular healer can recognize when it's time to stop trying to revive those who are already lost." She paused, frowning slightly. "I always hated that advice. But there is a bit of truth in it. Find the courage to make the hard decisions, dear. That is what will make you the greatest Healer in the world."
I gave Madam Pomfrey a grateful smile. It was good advice, and advice I knew I should take. But I don't think I could live with myself if I left while Draco was like this.
I left the office, ready to tell Snape that I wasn't going to leave, that I needed more time, when a shrill shriek came from the Hospital Wing entrance.
Pansy Parkinson entered, a vision of rage. "It-it's true!" She shrieked, practically growing hysterical at the sight of Draco's bloodied body. "Harry Potter has eviscerated Draco!"
Snape leapt to his feet, storming over to the girl. "This is a hospital, Miss Parkinson, you cannot yell bloody murder," he hissed, effectively blocking the distraught girl from getting to Draco.
"I just want to see if he's okay-"
"You will wait in the corridor, Miss Parkinson, until you find it within yourself to be calm." With that, Snape began to herd Pansy out to the hallway. As he did so, Pansy managed to make eye contact with me.
"Erica!" she called to me, fighting against Snape as he tried to push her out. "Erica, tell me-"
"He's going to be fine, Pansy," I said to her.
I saw her exhale in relief. "Thank you." She then allowed herself to be pushed into the hallway, cursing at Snape, and losing house points as she did so.
When the heavy doors closed, a gravelly voice was heard.
"Erica..."
I whirled around. Draco was awake, and calling for me.
Madam Pomfrey got to him first, checking his gauze and making sure none of his wounds had reopened. He looked up at me with his grey eyes, wincing as Madam Pomfrey moved the bandages.
"Everything looks in order," she said. Then, noticing how Draco was staring at me, whispered, "I'll give you two some time," and stepped back into her office.
I sat beside Draco. I wanted to take his hand, but I was held back by the anger and resentment that was still sorely bruising my heart. He had lied to me. But he didn't deserve this.
"How do you feel?" I asked quietly.
"Alive," He croaked. "Pissed. In Pain." Draco tried to move, but immediately stopped due to the discomfort. I quickly uncorked a Painkiller Potion and eased it against his lips. That seemed to help him a little.
We were silent for a long moment. I wondered why it was that I wasn't crying. Draco was up to his neck in bandages and still wearing his shredded shirt that was stained with his own blood. I think I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I was numb. We both were.
Finally, Draco spoke.
"When I saw you, for a moment, I thought I had died."
Draco's eyes slid to me. I held his eye contact, stone faced.
"Is that what you wish?" I asked coldly. "To be dead?"
Draco's jaw was firmly set. "Death sounds like paradise compared to the life I've got."
This man...how can he say that and not sound the least bit remorseful? "If you weren't already cut up, I would smack you right now," I threatened, emotion rising in my throat. I swallowed it back down. "Do you have any idea what an insult it is to me to hear that you want to die, when all I've done is heal you?"
Draco didn't answer my question. "I thought you had left the castle," he said flatly.
"I was about to. But then you got injured again." I was glad that I hadn't stayed put when Snape told me to. I sighed. "… I don't think I can leave when you're like this."
Draco's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "Don't. Don't play with my heart like that, because you know I want you to stay. But you were right, about everything. It isn't safe for you with me." He paused, breathing painfully, before speaking again.
"You should leave."
I was taken aback by his command. He had changed his mind since we spoke earlier this morning. "What kind of healer would I be if I left knowing you were just going to kill yourself after?" I asked.
"You're not my healer. Not anymore."
There was a stiff silence after Draco spoke, in which we both recognized that our relationship was over. My title of matron was promptly erased, leaving an empty space where it once was, like a blank spot in a painting.
Draco looked up at me sadly. "God, in different circumstances, I would have been a lucky man to spend my life with you."
"Stop talking like that. Like you're already dead."
"Fine. For you, I won't die."
"Say it like you really mean it, though."
Draco averted his gaze, lost in troubled thought. "I'll try. I'll try to make it work. But… There's no guarantee I'll succeed at this point. Not when you've made me realize that blood prejudice is something I may not believe in anymore." His voice lowered into a pained whisper. "You've done something to my mind. I used to see things in black and white. Now things are grey, and muddy. I-I just don't know what will happen."
I pursed my lips. Snape had told me that he was going to take care of Draco's safety, so I just had to put my trust in that, whatever that meant.
"I hope you'll stay alive," I finally said to him, "So that someday, I can remove that Mark on your arm."
Draco's grey eyes met mine once more, looking as if he might cry. When he held my gaze, I saw a glimpse of his true self, the 17 year old boy who had no choice, and who was trying to survive in a world that demanded he be a man. "Yeah," he croaked. "I'll try."
Snape's voice echoed into the Hospital Wing. "Thorncroft."
I cast a look to Draco. This would likely be the last time I ever saw him. All the betrayal and anger he made me feel was suddenly unimportant. I loved this man. I loved him in the way that made my stomach queasy, and my nights lonely, and made all other men entirely insignificant. Even if our relationship was toxic in every sense of the word, we had existed for each other, and given each other a purpose. And now I had to learn how to exist without him.
"Draco…"
"Just one last kiss," Draco breathed. "And I'll feel better."
My hand rested by his left arm as I bowed over the hospital bed, careful not to touch his wounds. My light brown hair fell over my shoulder to form a curtain around us. My nose brushed across the smooth skin of his cheek, and I breathed him in for a final time. Underneath the smell of Murtlap, there was his familiar cologne- the green apple, sandalwood, and the natural scent of his face, which had no way to be described. My chest ached when I realized I may, over time, forget these little details.
I hovered above his face hesitating to kiss him because I knew that when I started it would eventually end. But we were out of time, and the least I could do was give us both a pleasant last memory. So I pressed my lips to his. Our eyes closed so he and I could both live in this feeling; the feeling of love that was never meant to last, but was somehow the sweetest, and most passionate form of love either of us had ever known.
When I finally forced myself to pull away, Draco's lips remained slightly parted, like he was hoping for another kiss. But that was it.
"Don't do this with your other patients, alright?" Draco breathed. I scoffed a little, allowing myself to smile.
"No. Just you."
He looked up at me, his expression so serious that I almost stopped breathing. "I'll never forget you. Because you did make me happy," He whispered.
It felt like a piping hot iron rod was being driven through my heart. "Oh, god," I shuddered, blinking as tears came to my eyes, "I think I'll love you forever."
Draco studied my face for the last time. "If only there was a cure for that."
"Thorncroft!" Snape called once more. I stood up straight, wiping tears from my cheeks.
"Coming!" I called back.
I couldn't tear myself from the hospital bedside until Draco nodded for me to go to Snape. "Go on. I'll be fine."
My stomach pulsed, and I suppressed tears again. I looked at Draco with tight lips, wanting to tell him that whatever he ended up doing, it shouldn't be for me; it should be for himself. But I could see it in his eyes that he already knew that. So I turned, and swiftly walked out of the hospital wing, leaving Draco alone.
Professor Snape began leading me away, muttering something about how time was of the essence, but I was distracted by Pansy. She was waiting in the hallway, arms crossed, steaming with silent fury that I recognized as her way of expressing concern.
I stopped walking. "Pansy."
She blinked at me, surprised to hear me address her.
"...Take care of Draco," was all I said. The older girl looked absolutely floored.
"O-of course," she replied, her black eyebrows raising for just a second. I gave her a thin smile, and then nodded apologetically to Professor Snape, finally following him out of the castle.
By the time we reached the gates, the sun was nearing the lower portion of the sky and the evening spring wind had picked up. Malachi was waiting for me outside the gates in a worn brown leather jacket. He greeted me with a gentle pat on the head. "Hey, kid." I saw the tip of a black tattoo on his left forearm peeking out from under his sleeve, and my face burned.
"Is everything arranged, Sloan?" Snape asked.
Malachi nodded to a shiny black car that was parked on the side of the dirt road. "Plane ticket is inside. I'll take her as far as the London jetway, and my brother will meet her when she lands in New York."
"Good," Snape strode to the other side of the tall iron gate, and raised his wand. "Best of luck to you, Thorncroft. I hope we do not meet again."
I swallowed dryly, observing sadly how the castle disappeared into a mirage as Snape sealed the gates. My uncle gently touched my shoulder.
"Hard to say goodbye, was it?" Malachi looked at me with familiar green eyes that reminded me of my father's.
I shook my head. "No. It was easy," I lied.
"C'mon," Dirt crunched under his heavy boots, "You ever been in a flying car before?"
The black car steadily rose off the ground, weighed down slightly by my trunk. Most wizards didn't learn how to drive, but Malachi maneuvered the car well. We ascended above the treetops until we were level with the afternoon sun, and as I stared down at the dense forest where Hogwarts hid behind an illusion spell, I realized that I would very much like to paint this view. It was beautiful, and it was sad.
As Malachi steered us away from the Black Lake and towards the Scottish countryside, the raw emotion I had been suppressing washed over me. Malachi looked at me with uncertainty as I folded into myself in the passenger seat, putting my forehead to my knees and lacing my fingers behind my head, my body heaving with sobs.
I could have been weeping about a multitude of things; saying goodbye to my childhood home, leaving my friends and mentor behind, or even from the relief of being a half-Squib who was finally escaping danger. But Malachi didn't need me to explain my tears to him. Somehow, he knew I was crying over Draco.
"First love hurts the most," Malachi muttered, resting a reassuring hand on my back. "Feels like a hole in the middle of your heart."
I sniffled quietly, affirming his sentiment.
"Don't worry," he said to me. "You'll heal."
A/N: Thank you all for reading. Writing this has been my greatest triumph and challenge. I'm sorry for the sad ending, but it's what I had planned all along since I conceived this story. However, I am writing a multi-part epilogue that will definitely have a happy ending. When I finish it, I will publish it all at once. I am a student and school is starting up for me again so it may take a while.
Once again, thank you so much for reading. -kittyhawk
