Her Monologue
Joey Sharkbait
2021
[Soundtrack: "Her Monologue" by Issues]
[Kagura's point of view.]
It's been an absolute pleasure watching her recover.
(…can I be your recovery…?)
Our resident futuristic miko, Kagome, may be correct after all, in her assessment that talking things out does not necessarily invite the demons back in. But I still would not say a word if it were me, personally. I would take my pain to my grave and bury the memories in the dirt and bones of my traumas. I had my fair share of the aforementioned dirt and bones, too.
But Sango is far braver than I. A complete upheaval and unearthing of my gravest words and most demonized memories is not something I would willingly consent to.
But goddammit, she did it. Every two to three days, too.
I guess maybe it works, after all. Or maybe it's just a reflection of old Kaede's healing powers. Kagome says it's both. I don't know…
And she's still pretty…
'Still pretty?'
'Still pretty.'
I glanced for a moment into Kaede's hut from up on my tree limb. It looked as if another 'therapy' session had concluded. Kagome was there, this time. I was unsure exactly what part of the horror story was professed this time, but judging by the look on Kagome's face and the way she wiped away tears upon her departure, it was one of the worst parts.
Who am I kidding?
The whole ordeal is the worst part.
But none of you were there…
The novelty of 'freedom' was still very much with me. I woke up and actually thanked the universe (…and Sango…) in the mornings for the beating heart in my chest. I didn't dare stray too far from the village, however; and I limited my travel on my feather to a similar nearby radius.
I don't know what became of Naraku, but I know he's still out there… somewhere…
Waiting…
The hole in the monk's hand does not lie.
The bastard is still alive somewhere…
So what do we do in the meantime?
Kaede says recover.
Inuyasha says prepare.
I say stop and smell the fucking roses for once.
Call it a hedonistic and debatably nihilistic viewpoint, perhaps…
Instead, I'll just sit here and watch her recover, I suppose.
Gods know I need some recovery of my own, though…
Not today…
In due time…
My recovery is intertwined with hers, kind of, maybe…
A night flight is just what I needed.
My mind was full of noises. Feelings that reverberated in my memories and echoed in every beat of my heart. Emotions that screamed louder than my wretched life.
Sango said they're going to try again, maybe.
Her and Miroku, that is.
I couldn't be mad at her… He was there first. And always stood as an ally. I was born—created—to be her enemy. Half of me was happy for her. The other half mourned something we never had.
My first free drop of water never tasted as good as her kiss…
I will always be her friend. I promised that when we plotted our exit what felt like lifetimes ago. That would never change. I just didn't imagine it would be so bittersweet at first.
But he will take care of her.
I can live with that.
I grounded myself with following my breathing patterns and feeling the wind whipping through my hair. I closed my eyes and began a mental recap of our adventures together. My thinking began to speed up, along with my heartrate. My thoughts on her hit the ceiling and I felt the most random urge to jump off my feather.
I only screamed instead.
L'appel du vide… or so it goes.
I did not need the void calling me any longer. Lest the void become synonymous with her name.
I opened my eyes and was startled at the realization that I had already flown farther than I had ever expected or planned on going. A small trace of fear coursed through my veins but was soon flushed out by adrenaline and pride. I am the wind—and I will not be swayed by fear or contained in any way!
Fear is a type of containment… Love could be argued as a kindred spirit to that, as well. What even is love?
Love according to Naraku is weakness.
Love according to Kohaku is family.
Love according to Inuyasha is either food or chasing a ghost.
Love according to Kagome is apparently instant noodles (she was so mad at him that afternoon…).
Shippo says love is complicated.
The kid's probably right.
Sango can walk on her own now. Almost. With the aid of a cane.
Love is the way Miroku holds her hand and steadies her as she tries to walk without any assistance. Love is the look in his eyes as he watches her smile.
I wish I could be that love. It looks warm.
It gets cold here in the clouds.
I have not slept in days.
Then again, sleep was not so imperative as a nightly or daily procedure. My powerful yokai blood demanded far less than that of a mortal. However, I was growing desperate…
It was my turn for the nightmares.
(Love is the way she woke me from my nightmare and held me for once. Love is the safety in her arms.)
Pride is the way I allowed this comfort only for a moment. And envy is the way I flew off into the night on my feather.
It was much colder in the heavens this time. Maybe my face just stung icy-hot because of the tears. Or perhaps it was the embarrassment.
She will never love me. Not really…
She fucking lied.
I flew around aimlessly trying to clear my head. It was no use. Eventually the tears stopped and I Just felt empty. Empty with my thoughts. Naraku invaded my consciousness every now and then.
"I'm all you'll ever be, Kagura. I'm all you'll ever know. I'm all you'll ever have."
I cursed into the clouds and hit myself in the head, then violently rubbed my eyes and yelled out again at no one except maybe myself. A familiar yet novel, floral scent reached my awareness. I closed my eyes again and had the most sickening sense of déjà vu.
I was struck by something and fell out of the air, gasping for breath and clutching my chest. I could feel poison rushing through my veins as I landed in a field of flowers.
'Find me…'
My lone thought echoed in my head and then all around me, along with the scent of death, poison, and white anemones.
This fucking dream.
I opened my eyes and looked down. A field of white anemone flowers basking in the moonlight were beneath me. I had the most random urge to investigate. Within moments, I landed, graceful as always. I tucked my feather back into my hair and looked around the oddity of my dreamscape come to life.
I crouched down and plucked a single flower out of the ground and examined it. It was so beautiful, so innocent, so full of life, and so fragile. I brought the small plant to my nose and inhaled its sweet scent.
'Find me…'
"Find me."
I stood up and as I did so, a breeze not of my own surrounded me. I looked around, slightly suspicious. No one was there. Just me, the flowers, and my existential dread.
I soon found my mind was beginning to quiet. My racing thoughts and ruminating became fainter and fainter. I kneeled back down and clutched my flower to my chest like it was something so much more. I slowly laid back in the flowers and watched the clouds and the stars above.
Sango and I used to watch the stars. We would wish for our future. Our freedom.
I thought I saw a shooting star. Or maybe it was just my blurred consciousness fading in and out.
"Kagura…"
I slowly opened my eyes and sat up. I know that voice… I glanced around and upon finding nothing and no one in my immediate line of sight, I looked behind me.
"Sesshomaru?"
The dog demon lord of the Western lands stood before me, regal as always, his presence reeking of arrogance. I noticed soon that he was alone. His imp of a vassal and the human child, Rin, were nowhere to be found.
You were in my dream… my recurring dying dream…
"What do you want, Sesshomaru?" I accused, putting my guard up once more and standing. I finally let go of the flower I didn't even realize I was still holding and felt it gently touch my foot at the final stop of its descent.
"I was out on a walk and happened across your scent… I thought it was Naraku, initially—" This comment made me gag and seethe with anger— "But then I realized it changed. You're different now." The ethereal man took a step closer to me and leaned forward ever so slightly. He put his hand on my chest and I froze. "You have your heart now."
I had no words.
Sesshomaru slowly withdrew his hand, making eye contact with me the entire time. I could see something foreign in his eyes, something that was not quite him…
"Clearly you did not need me after all."
Sesshomaru slowly turned away from me without saying another word.
What…the hell…?
"Just what is that supposed to mean?!" I shouted after him.
He just kept walking.
"Hey! I'm talking to you!"
When he said nothing yet again and made no motion of intending to stop or acknowledge me in any way, I withdrew my fan. "Hey, I'm talking to you, motherfucker!" Nothing?! I insult you and still you pay me no mind?!
"Dance of blades!" I waved my fan at the demon lord and several windblades cascaded toward him.
I hit my mark.
And time stood still.
Shocked at what I'd just done, I lowered my fan and froze, breathing heavily, eyes wide.
Sesshomaru stood still for a few moments. I could see where I had cut his elegant clothing, particularly a few spots on his sleeves. I could smell the faintest scent of blood, indicating I had done more than minor cosmetic damage to his attire.
Before I could exhale my next breath—surely it would be my last—Sesshomaru was right in front of me, grabbing me by my shoulders. His nails dug into my skin through my clothing and I could feel his breath against my face. He leaned forward so that our noses touched. His gorgeous amber eyes flashed a hint of teal, then red, for just a moment. I wasn't even sure if that change really occurred or not.
"You're braver than I originally thought, Kagura…" His words were cool and intriguing.
"…I am…?" How has he not killed me yet? I just showed him the utmost disrespect…
But I'm still alive, aren't I?
"I am…" I hoped I conveyed confidence in my words. I'd crash this insane, strange party for two and act like I owned the place.
"You're braver than you originally thought, aren't you?" Sesshomaru slowly brought his hand to the side of my face. I gasped and leaned my cheek against his palm, never breaking eye contact. I still couldn't read between the lines in his words and the remarkable glint in his eyes.
Maybe it's just the light…
Or lack of…
"I am, I know it now…" Don't let him distract you, don't let him fool you… "I am the wind and as such, I cannot be contained. I do as I please."
"Clearly…"
I paused, lost in his gaze. I could barely see my reflection in his golden irises. This is what you've always wanted… all that and your heart…
To hell with it. Now or never. What have I got to lose?
Maybe I'll move back on track… just like she did. As it is probably meant to be.
Or whatever.
I bravely brought one hand to Sesshomaru's hip and traced up his spine with the other. He just stood there, stone as a statue, expressionless, as always. Aside from that ever-present and new gesture in his eyes. A look meant just for me, just for this moment. My hand reached his neck. His skin was warm, soft. Likely flawless. Just like his entire being and how I always imagined him to be.
"On that note… of me doing whatever I please…" A confidence found me and I gently pulled at his hair. Sesshomaru finally made the smallest move—a slight twitch of his left shoulder and a narrowing of his eyes—indicating I had finally struck some kind of nerve.
"What do you want, Kagura?"
"What do you want, Sesshomaru?"
A comfortable silence arose between us.
"Move a little closer… what are you afraid of?" I felt myself fall to pieces as Sesshomaru slowly, expressionlessly, brought his lips to mine.
What am I afraid of?
I'm afraid of seeing the stars.
I landed next to the river near Kaede's village, where we often bathed and washed laundry. I had no idea what time it was; it felt like the night was never-ending. In a good way.
But still, I felt hollow.
That was not what I expected it to be…
I couldn't help but still feel giddy; young and stupid. Triumphantly arrogant. I kneeled next to the water and watched it flow. My reflection soon came into my focus and awareness. I moved my kimonos off one shoulder and examined the marks there and on my collarbone. An adrenaline-born smile greeted me in my reflection but soon faded.
It meant nothing.
Having sex with Sesshomaru was not bad. No, it was far from it, in the physical aspect. That was exhilarating… but that was it. A temporary fix I could cross off my bucket list.
"Come find me again, Kagura, if you wish…"
I watched the lord of the West finish dressing and re-arming himself, proud of my nail marks on his formerly flawless back.
"I may take you up on that offer, Lord Sesshomaru… we shall see."
"Indeed."
It was so random.
"Kagura?"
I gasped and spun around, reaching instinctually for my fan. I hated being caught off guard. And so vulnerable with my thoughts…
"What are you doing up?"
"Can't sleep. Noticed you were gone."
"Glad someone noticed." I turned back to the scene in front of me. It really was beautiful—the river, the trees…
"You sound frustrated." Pause. Was that tension? "May I sit with you?"
"Knock yourself out."
The young demon slayer carefully sat beside me and dangled his feet in the water. He winced at the colder temperature but soon seemed to adjust and joined me in gazing into the wilds of the forest across the river. I could tell he wanted to talk to me but got the feeling he was apprehensive for whatever reason. I could almost feel the awkwardness on him. Kind of like his sister…
Damn her. Always in my mind…
"Are you ok, Kagura?" asked Kohaku, innocently enough.
I didn't even have a shitty remark for him. I was too tired. Exhaustion was beginning to course through my tired bones once again; and the rest of my body was still coming down from the gift of post-coital endorphins on behalf of Sesshomaru. A potentially disastrous combination for my guard and the filter of my words.
"Sango's a little worried for you. She said you ran off this morning after you woke up from a nightmare or something."
She's a little worried… ok.
"What does she care?" The sentence came out more hostile than I intended. A twinge of guilt plucked at a single heartstring in my chest.
"She's been kind of… off… all day, since you left. Asked me if I'd talked to you recently or if I'd seen you."
"Oh…" It was no surprise to me that the elder taijiya approached him with such questions. I had slowly found my place within Inuyasha's pack recently but still stayed closer to Kohaku, in terms of both proximity and confidence. I tried to give Sango space since our return, both for herself and for me. I wanted her to be able to reintegrate with her friends and take her time with herself and with them. I watched her recovery from the periphery. It was bittersweet yet soothing to my soul.
But I missed her so…
"Are you mad at her, Kagura?"
"What?! No!" I briefly looked at the boy beside me just to scowl at him in my ego's defense and then cross my arms and turn away like a pouting child.
"Are you sure?" This boy is really tempting his chances tonight…
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Alright, if you say so…" Kohaku didn't sound convinced but I knew he knew to drop the subject.
I sighed. "I couldn't be mad at Sango if I tried." I looked up at the sky. The stars were still so beautiful, so plentiful. So mocking…
Look at the stars… just look at how goddamn ugly the stars are…
"Kagura, can I ask you something?"
"I guess. You're going to ask me anyway, aren't you, Kohaku?" I turned and arched an eyebrow at him. Damn kid… He was well on his way to becoming a man but he still held this indescribable purity in his words, like a preview into his soul.
Kohaku giggled and flashed me that cheesy, innocent smile of his. "I don't want to pry, Kagura."
"No, no, it's fine… we're already here."
Kohaku sighed, that goofy grin still adorning his features. "Ok… well… you don't have to answer, really…"
"Out with it!" I leaned forward and dipped my hand into the water. "You're making me nervous, kid." I playfully splashed the boy and he held his arms up in futile defense, laughing.
"Fine, fine!" Kohaku cleared his throat and composed himself, trying to take on a more serious demeanor. I blinked and couldn't hide the eager and expectant look on my face.
"Well…?"
"Kagura… do you like my sister?"
I wanted to throw up. My stomach knotted up and I felt like my heart exploded out of my chest. I looked away from Kohaku, feeling my cheeks aflame and betraying my cool. "Of course I do—she's my friend, after all…" Great cover…
"I didn't mean like that." Kohaku's tone was neutral, which led me to a small panic. I did not know his intentions or thoughts and I did not like that. Whether it be conversation or battle, I did not like going in blind and unarmed.
"Then what did you mean?"
"Kagura, I'm not stupid."
"I know that."
"I'm not as naïve as everyone makes me out to be…" His tone softened. "I can read people pretty well. Please don't lie to me."
I sighed and hung my head, looking at my reflection in the water. I couldn't even make eye contact with myself; the mirror in the river contradicted the mental image I had of myself as guarded and untouchable, invulnerable and cunning.
"I won't lie to you, Kohaku. I do have feelings for Sango." I could feel my language and my tone softening as the words left my lips. I felt exposed and anxious.
We were quiet for a few minutes and the silence only heightened my natural impulse to flee. Go ahead, fly away like you always do…
'What are you afraid of…?'
"I shouldn't stay here…" I motioned to get up but was stopped by Kohaku's hand on my sleeve.
"You don't have to go." Kohaku's words were soft and almost pleading. "Please don't go." The look on his young face and the intonation in that sentence reminded me all too much of Sango.
'Please don't leave me…'
I sat back down beside him. "Why?"
"Because you're my friend. You're Sango's friend." Kohaku's grip loosened on my sleeve but he still did not let go, as if he did not fully trust me to not turn tail and leave as soon as we entered uncomfortable verbal territory again.
More silence…
"Well," Kohaku finally spoke up and finally let go of me, "have you told her?"
"Yes," I answered quietly.
"What did she say?"
"Well… she said she loves me back." I could still hear that conversation; it replayed in my head daily, nightly.
"I can tell she does."
What?
"How?"
"The way she watches you, asks about you. Just the way you two interact." Kohaku spoke with such nonchalance and conviction. Was it that obvious? Were we that obvious?
"But she's with Miroku, Kohaku."
"Not necessarily," said the boy, again with that same confidence and indifference. "She's confused, Kagura."
"Confused?" I asked aloud. Then something hit me. "Why are you telling me this? I kind of feel like you shouldn't be."
"Well, she never told me not to tell you…" You little shit… kid brother…
"So why are you telling me all this? It feels wrong."
"I just want her to be happy is all," Kohaku shrugged and directed his gaze at the flowing water. "Is that such a bad thing? I wish you could be happy as well, Kagura. You're my friend." He looked to me once more, a sincerity in his eyes. "I don't remember a whole lot of it yet, but from what I do recall, you were always kind enough to me when we were in Naraku's 'employment'… You never let any harm come to me and even helped me a few times."
That, I did. I offered the boy a sincere half-smile and privately acknowledged the rare warmth in my chest.
"Think nothing of it, Kohaku."
The air thinned around us, tension decreasing.
"So now what?" asked Kohaku.
"You tell me."
"I think you should talk to Sango." This boy sure is bold… and either optimistic or stupid.
"Kohaku," I nervously looked away and rubbed my arm, "I don't think that's a very good idea…"
"Well, Kagura… she's your friend before anything else, right?"
"Right…"
"No secrets between friends, right?"
"Yes?"
"Then what have you got to lose?" I finally looked at him again, locking my ruby eyes with his copper hues. I bit my lip and glanced away from him, in thought.
What's one more sleepless night and insomniac day?
"What are you afraid of?"
