A/N: i confess there's a cameo in this chapter that made me SOB as I wrote it. please let me know if it'll make you shed a tear or two too
Padmé knocked on Leia's chamber, not truly expecting Leia to come out.
When Leia did, it was clear from her expression that she expected it to be somebody else other than Padmé. Probably Han, Padmé assumed, even though he was thousands of solar systems away.
Leia looked exhausted, and Padmé genuinely felt for the princess.
With a deep sigh, Leia rested her head against the door frame. "What do you want, Padmé?"
"You stormed out of the Senate, I didn't see you again," Padmé elaborated, trying to study her daughter's facial traits despite the penumbra coming from inside the chamber. She had just showered, and her moist hair was falling over her shoulder; she had taken off her makeup, and Padmé was looking at her in her crudest form, with her reddened cheeks and dark circles under her eyes — somehow, it looked like the princess had aged years in a single day.
Either that or she was really good at hiding her true self from the world.
"Anyway, I was worried for your wellbeing, so I came to check on you," Padmé continued after her first comment had only been met with complete silence. "I hope I'm not bothering you?"
As soon as her words escaped her lips, Padmé worried that Leia would tell her face that she was, indeed, a bother.
Surprisingly, she didn't. But what she replied wasn't that better off, either.
"I just want to sleep."
Padmé's heart thundered inside of her as she couldn't tell what Leia had meant with such an affirmation.
Apparently — and to Padmé's relief — the implication went over Leia's head.
"I appreciate your concern, and your stopping by," Leia said, "But, really, you don't have to worry. I will most likely go to bed in a while."
Still, Padmé wasn't one to easily cave in.
"I was just thinking, with everything that you said about your reluctance to be alone when Han's away, that I could keep you company for a while," Padmé suggested. "Especially — after everything that's happened today."
Leia closed her eyes. "As I said, you don't have anything to concern yourself with. I'm fine."
"I hear you — you being fine, and everything," Padmé said, although she didn't exactly believe Leia's act. "Still. I don't think there's any harm in me being here for a few minutes."
Grunting, Leia pulled herself back inside. "Whatever."
All things considered — Padmé accepted that as permission to go in.
Closing the door behind her, Padmé stepped inside the princess' private bunk for the first time. It was larger than the average personnel rooms, and from the dim light coming from a bedside lamp she noticed how personal Leia had tried to make her home — she was even growing a plant? Padmé would have never expected it. She smiled sadly at that; all those little signs that Leia was so desperately trying to make a new home for herself.
Padmé looked for Leia, finding her sitting by a vanity with a comb in her hand. Her eyes were fixated on the mirror, but she wasn't looking at her reflection — it appeared she wasn't looking anywhere at all. Her hands worked idly on the knots of her hair, so leisurely it didn't seem she was putting any effort into it. Her mind certainly resided elsewhere.
"Can I help you with that?" Padmé asked, standing where Leia could see her from the mirror.
"Hm? No, you wouldn't know how to."
Padmé simply bowed, although that wasn't exactly true. She had looked it up, coming to learn the story behind hair braids on Alderaan, and how sacred they were. Women, especially aristocrats, always wore braids in public, out of respect for tradition. She came to understand how intimate it was for someone to take down their lover's braid, and that women revered their bond when crafting each other's braids.
It was a beautiful tradition, it would seem, one that Leia was determined to follow.
Until traditions started to weigh too much even on the most resilient souls. Leia dropped the comb over the vanity and placed her head on the palm of her hands.
Padmé waited a minute or so, standing silently on the back as she expected Leia would recompose herself — after all, rare were the occasions that the princess had willingly shown weakness. When she remained still, Padmé braced herself and paced towards her.
"Here, let me," she quietly announced herself behind Leia, retrieving the comb from the vanity.
Leia sniffed but didn't offer any words or gestures of defiance, so Padmé gently started to brush her hair.
"Braids, yeah?" Padmé asked for confirmation, even if she already knew. However, Leia remained unresponsive. "I was thinking something simple, like a loose plait. So you won't have a headache, and it won't bother you as you sleep."
Once again, she was met with silence. Padmé decided to follow through with the loose braid anyway, tenderly tending to Leia's hair — picturing herself doing it to a child that she got to call her own.
She divided Leia's hair in half, setting each part over the princess' shoulders to make it easier to comb. Her fingertips accidentally brushed the skin of the back of her neck, and that was when she noticed the lumpy tissue of scars there.
Looking down, she saw the red lines that went across all her neck; scars that had never truly healed. Delicately, she brushed her thumbs over them, and although she doubted they still hurt, Leia shivered.
"That's a nasty scar," Padmé commented simply, wondering if she wanted to know the story behind them and if Leia would even tell her. Dreading to make her feel cornered, she picked up the comb and started to brush her hair.
"Yeah," Leia said simply, but enough to let Padmé know that the conversation would die there.
Padmé sighed.
"There's nothing wrong allowing yourself to feel, Leia," Padmé started, kindly working through her hair knots. "I know that, as somebody in a position of power, you mustn't show emotions to those you lead, but that only goes so far. You're supposed to be their strength, yes, but you're not intended to carry their burden as well as yours. You're allowed to lower your defenses when you're away from the public eye, you're supposed to. You can't expect yourself to be strong all the time, not… when being strong makes you — weak."
In response, only an unsteady exhale.
"You know, I was a really close friend of your father's, even closer than I was to Mon Mothma," Padmé continued; she didn't care if she was holding a monologue, so long as her words were arriving somewhere. "Especially as the Clone Wars walked towards its ending and we could just feel that something was — amiss, your father and I became really close. Anakin was away all the time, and Bail rarely got to return to Alderaan, so we turned to each other more often than not. Well, I was pregnant by then, and my hormones were all over the place — granted , your father saw me crying over the stupidest things more often than I would have liked him to. Still, he was, well, a man , so the day he had finally had enough and broke down in front of me — I was so astonished, to say the least."
Leia became so still and stiff it seemed she was barely breathing.
"He simply missed your mother so much , but going home simply wasn't — enough," she reminisced, "There was something — missing from his home. He told me that Breha couldn't conceive and that they were so desperate for a child to love, but how could they place the responsibility of a crown over an orphan's head? It would be selfish of them to adopt an innocent child only to give them the burden of an entire kingdom to reign, something so big that a child would never ask for. But then, they had so much love to give, and they dreamed of a child every night. Going home didn't make sense when his home suddenly felt so empty. I had never seen your father cry, I had hardly ever seen your father past the perfect polite diplomat, so when he confided in me of his burdens, I suddenly comprehended him so much better."
Leia didn't move.
"What I'm trying to say is, it's okay to feel, Leia," Padmé said, setting her hair in three parts. "It's okay to let your guard down near those you trust, there's no shame in that. If the great man that your father was could show vulnerability to his allies, then so can you. Nobody will think any less of you because of that."
Leia's discreet sniff was the first indicator that she had been listening, but whether she was embracing Padmé's words or doing the exact opposite, Padmé couldn't know.
"Please don't."
Padmé frowned, unsure of what Leia was asking for. She waited, but when nothing else came from her, she continued to brush her hair.
"I was very young when I met your father. I was 18 and had just been appointed as the Senator from Naboo, and although I had already served as Queen for two consecutive terms, coming out here to Coruscant and dealing with the intergalactic politics — it was something else entirely. I was terrified, to say the least, after all, I was now representing my homeworld to the galaxy, and it fell on my hands entirely to deal with every crisis that might have compromised Naboo's integrity. You see, I had a duty , and I wasn't certain I was up for so much responsibility."
She gently chuckled to herself, "Your father didn't think I was up for the job, either, he saw me as no more than a naïve little girl from a Mid Rim World with no idea how the galaxy actually worked — and it didn't help that we first met when I was being led into a trap that might have taken my life, and he essentially saved me from it. There it went any deference I was hoping to achieve with my peers. Still, I knew that your father's good grace was the one I needed to conquer, as he and his small circle were the only ones truly wanting to make a difference to those in need. Somehow, I would have to earn your father's respect, and that wasn't something easy to do."
Leia shivered, but Padmé couldn't tell whether it came from her words or for her hands on her hair.
"As I delved into my first term as a Senator, I was invited for a big fancy party over Mon Mothma's. Of course, I knew that the party was only a disguise for a larger, more important meeting taking place, so I needed to be at the top of my game and — do some espionage, naturally. I think I've told you before about how I used to switch places with my handmaidens for both my protection and to walk more freely, away from scrutiny's eyes, so that's what I knew I needed to do at Mon's party. My handmaiden was posing as me while I walked freely around the place, eavesdropping on every conversation that I wasn't invited to, especially your father's. That's when I overheard him talking to Mon Mothma that he would like to bring me into his inner circle and that he was on his way to talk to me. Naturally — I panicked. My handmaidens were obviously trained to pass for me, but I would like to present myself to your father as he came with his proposal, so I rushed to find my handmaiden because we needed to switch places. We were just on our way to the bathroom when your father caught up to us, but we pretended we didn't see him as we followed ahead, and he seemed to understand where we were headed so he stepped aside. However, I very quickly exchanged looks with him, and it just hit him. He instantly knew of our act the moment he laid eyes on me."
Tiredly, Leia rubbed her hand against her eye. "Please stop."
Once again, Padmé waited for further appeal, yet it never came.
"There have only been two people that made our cover. One of them was Master Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn, and the other — your father. Your father, of all people in the galaxy! He was a very clever man and an even more astute politician. Although I was very offended that he had deduced our act, now, it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that he was the one to perceive it."
This time, Leia's evasion came from her leaning slightly forwards to escape Padmé; so slightly that Padmé failed to notice it. "Padmé—"
"Your father was an extraordinary man," Padmé said. "I loved him dearly, and there isn't anything that I wish more than to have had the chance to thank him for everything he did for you. He was under no obligation of taking Vader's daughter under his wings and raising her as her own, but he did it out of the goodness of his heart. He and your mother always longed for you , you were always destined to be their baby, nobody else. They didn't want to place the responsibility of a crown over a child, but they didn't want you to bear the cross of knowing you were Vader's daughter, either, so they gave you the world hoping it would be enough to spare the pain of your heritage. Your parents loved you so much, Leia, and I see glimpses of their essences in whom you've become everyday. You—"
"Stop!" at last, Leia yelled. Her head was throbbing as she mercilessly pulled away from Padmé, running to the opposite side of the room from her. Padmé's alarm was so big that she dropped the comb to the floor. "Why can't you hear me? Stop! "
With her eyes wide, Padmé stood frozen where she had been left. "Leia, I didn't mean to—"
"You're making everything worse!" Leia expressed, pressing her hands to her ears to show her disdain for whatever Padmé had to say next. "I don't want to hear it! I don't want to know of this great friendship you had with my father! I don't care — I just want you to shut up."
So, Padmé did. Unsure of how to respond to Leia's sudden burst of rage.
"I'm so sick of everybody," Leia accused. "Why the fuck can't you all just leave me in peace? I'm not this — breakable thing that you're so determined to mend. I was doing just fine before you came."
Swallowing uncomfortably, Padmé couldn't know whether Leia meant she was doing fine just now or ever since Padmé came into the picture.
Honestly, Padmé feared to know which one.
"Leia, you've got it all wrong," she said calmly, trying to remain the serene one. "Nobody thinks you're — breakable, nor anything like that. On the contrary, we all admire your resilience, your strength inspires everybody into not giving up."
"But?"
"But," Padmé carefully paused, "There's just so much strength you can carry before it leads to your own downfall."
Leia scoffed ironically.
"You're very naïve, then, if you think I can easily fall," Leia denounced with a grave voice.
"I think you're on the edge of falling, Leia," Padmé reasoned. "Look at yourself! There's just so much you can take. Your refusal to take a moment to step back and see how you're degrading your own health will be your own ruin."
"No, Padmé, my ruin was set in motion a long time ago, when they forced me to watch Alderaan being blown into space dust while knowing there was virtually nothing I could have done to stop them," Leia said angrily. " That was my downfall, and yet, somehow , I've stood tall. I've been standing tall ever since, not because of you, or because of Luke, or because of Han. You don't get to come in here and claim you know my health better than I do because you've just gotten here."
"Then I'm glad I've at least gotten here, Leia, because it's damn time someone knocked some — some sense into you!" Padmé refuted, her voice just as loud. "Everyone is so afraid of you, of setting you off somehow, that they walk on eggshells around you! I get that it's not easy, but it's time you do something about it. You can't live like this forever."
"I've never asked anyone to be here with me!" Leia's eyes burned with rage. "I was doing fine before all of you came along and started imposing on matters you can't possibly understand!"
"You can't be serious right now," Padmé muffled, disbelieved. "Just because we haven't been there it doesn't mean we don't understand! Actually, scratch that — we've all been there. We've all lost everything, and that's the only reason we've found our ways to each other. Stop acting like we're disposable, Leia."
"Why aren't you?" Leia instigated, " Everything is disposable, Padmé. When you see that even something as gigantic as your homeworld is disposable, you understand that there's nothing we can rely on except ourselves."
" You can't rely on yourself, Leia, and it's time you start seeing that," Padmé lectured. "You've taken everything that's happened onto your shoulders and it's starting to crush you. Eventually, you won't be able to breathe under all that baggage, and you'll have driven all of us away to cry for help."
"Proving yet once again that I can't rely on people," Leia snapped.
Padmé rolled her eyes at her words being twisted right in front of her. "You need to stop being so stubborn regarding things that you think is what you want in life. Step off your high horse and realize that all that we want is that you achieve happiness. That you reach a point in life where you can live past your grief."
Leia shook her head. "You have no moral high ground to say that when your grief led you right to Luke and I's doorsteps."
Padmé breathed in a long breath to calm herself — Leia knew exactly where to strike when she wanted to hurt people.
"You're right. I was given a second chance when I thought I had lost everything," she said, her throat constricted. "That does not change the fact that I still lost you . I've accepted it, despite the heartache that it brings me every day. You need to learn to accept your losses as well."
"My losses are who I am!" Leia exclaimed. "I will not let go of them. I can't let go of them, not when I've got an entire legacy depending on me to survive."
"You can't honestly believe you're going to lead your people forward when you're stuck in the past," Padmé denounced.
"Yes, I can. Our past defines who we are."
"Yes, except you're letting the disaster define who you are," she accused. "You're supposed to represent Alderaan, not its destruction."
"Those two are intrinsically intertwined," Leia said.
"Only because you want it to be."
"Because I want it to be—you've got guts, Padmé, I'll give you that. To come here uninvited and start making assumptions of me like you've known me all my life," Leia arraigned, holding her chin high to make herself taller than she actually was. "Why don't you step off your high horse and realize that you and I — we're not the same person. I'm happy that you've got your life back, I really am, but I am never getting a second chance to fix up my mistakes, but that doesn't excuse you to barge in here acting so fucking entitled over my grief."
Tiredly, Padmé leaned against the vanity. "Why can't you just for once in your life realize that your family isn't your enemy? We just want you to help."
"Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I don't want your help?"
"All the time!" Padmé gesticulated wide. "And that's what worries me the most! I'm worried sick all the time that you will alienate everyone in your life and there will be no one left for you to count on."
"If that means I will finally be left in peace, then I can't wait for it!"
Padmé crossed her arms. "You can't honestly think that's what you want in life."
"That's the only thing I want in life!"
For the first time, Leia looked away. It was true, there was nothing that she craved more than peace; she wanted to be able to get a full night of sleep without waking up in despair due to her nightmares, she wanted to be able to make love to the man she loved without memories of the past immobilizing her, she wanted to walk in the green meadows of Alderaan again and allow herself to become one and only with her homeworld.
All she longed for was peace.
Yet, peace always seemed so distant from her.
Giving up seemed to be easier than working tirelessly towards a peace that she might never achieve.
Padmé compressed her lips on a thin line; she wasn't Force sensitive, she couldn't delve into Leia's emotions and thoughts, so all that she heard was — Leia wanted peace from her.
"I'm sorry, then, that my presence here is such a bother," she said sourly.
Leia swallowed hard; that's not what she had wanted to say, was it? Still, she was hurting, and she refused to ever lose an argument, so the most despicable things escaped her lips without her awareness.
"Your presence here hurts."
Padmé felt her eyes stung. She refused to cry, though, she refused to give Leia the satisfaction.
"You should have said something earlier, then," Padmé did her best to keep her voice steady, "It would have spared the both of us a lot of pain."
"It probably would," Leia agreed, now standing on her back to Padmé, so Padmé would not see the tears freely streaming down her cheeks. "Your return is the amalgamation of all my aches."
No, that wasn't true at all — what was wrong with her? Why was she saying those things? Why was she so desperate to drive away every person that remotely cared for her?
She placed her hand over her mouth to refrain the sob that was daring to come out. She could not take her words back, and they would come back to haunt her forever.
She was ruining everything. Like Padmé had so wisely pointed out, Leia was bringing her own downfall upon her.
Padmé's lower lip started to tremble; she couldn't believe that it had all been for nothing . All her effort, all the time they had spent together, all their genuine bonding — it couldn't have all been in vain, could it?
However, Leia could not take her words back, and Padmé felt sick to her stomach.
"You won't have to worry about it anymore, then," Padmé announced. "You won't have to see me again, not unless you want to."
Leia felt her knees weak beneath her — what the fuck had she done? How could she taint everything that she touched?
Padmé, still hanging to the smallest hope, waited. She waited for a request that she stayed, that she didn't walk away — however, it never came.
Leia's failure to stop her from going broke both of their hearts.
"I'll be leaving for my apartment tomorrow, then," Padmé said, her voice so small. "If you need me, you'll know where to find me."
"I won't need you," Leia said just as lowly. "I've been doing fine without parents for years now."
Padmé smiled sadly, refrained herself from saying — Leia was far from being as fine as she judged herself to be.
Instead, she turned around to leave without saying goodbye.
Leia heard her steps fading away, and her eyes now burned with her tears and with the disdain she felt for herself.
She felt like Anakin, and the realization stole her of her breath — she was hurting everyone she cared for, and there would be no undoing of the damage she was causing if she didn't act soon.
"Padmé, wait—"
It was too late; Padmé had already left her room, and Leia didn't have the strength to run after her.
Outside, Padmé rushed towards her own chamber, where she would like to lock herself in for the rest of the night. Not even passing by Luke made her heart flutter as it usually did.
"Padmé! There you are. I was on my way to see Leia—"
"Not now, Luke," she indelicately pushed him aside, walking past him without sparing him a glance.
Luke frowned, but let her go. He shifted his gaze towards the direction of Leia's bunk and decided to see what had happened for himself.
He found the door to her bunk still open like someone had rushed out of there too fast to close it again. Meanwhile, he found Leia with her back to him, leaning on the vanity as if she might collapse if she let go.
"Leia?" he gently called for her, not bothering to close the door behind him. "What happened?"
Leia shut her eyes tightly; she did not want to deal with Luke at that moment. She just wanted peace and to mourn for herself and how she lost everybody in her life. First her parents, then Alderaan, now Padmé. Each time, she had been intrinsically responsible for their losses; she tainted everything that she touched.
She had become what she feared the most; she had become Anakin. Every drawn comparison made between the two of them now sense, and she couldn't breathe.
Luke waited for his sister to say something, anything , but she barely recognized his presence there. So, he tried again.
"I just ran into Padmé. I think she was crying," he said in a small voice. He noticed as the muscles on Leia's back tensed, yet she did not turn around to face him. "I saw the broadcast, and it was awful, Leia, just awful. I can't even begin to imagine how bad you must be feeling right now. It's completely understandable if you said or did anything that might have upset Padmé, you're not in a good place right. But… Can you please talk to me?"
Leia felt the tears rolling down her tears and she could have sworn she heard their sound against the wood of the vanity. She just wanted to be alone and hate herself for everything that she had done.
"Go away, Luke."
"I can't do that, Leia," Luke said condescendingly. "I can't leave you — not when you're like this."
Leia breathed in a tattered breath.
"I know we're not as connected as we once were, but I can still feel your presence in the Force," Luke said, taking one step towards her but still keeping his distance. "Your emotions — are all over the place. You're feeling so much you don't know how to shield. And there's so much guilt , Leia. Misplaced guilt."
Leia's lower lip started to tremble; misplaced guilt? Her brother had no grasp of reality, and his willingness to believe in her innocence regarding all the things that she had been blamed for and more only proved his naivité.
Her mind took her back to the Death Star — so vividly it was like she was reliving the moment. With her closed eyes, she saw Alderaan, she saw her home ; she wanted to touch it with her bare hands and hold it forever. If only Tarkin didn't hold as tightly to his masochism. If only Vader didn't stand behind her and held her strongly by the shoulder to keep her in place.
"Leia, stop that," Luke demanded. He didn't know where her mind had taken her, but he had sensed the sudden spike in her culpability, to the point it was starting to bother him. "Let go of your blame, Leia. You can't live like that."
At the sound of his words, Leia only felt Vader tightening his grasp on her shoulder. Reminding her of her liability and fastening her guilt deep into her core.
"Leia—"
Unsure of what else he could do, Luke walked towards her and placed his hand on her shoulder. Wanting nothing more than to help her and to bring her into the reality where nobody in their sane minds held her responsible for the things that the Empire had done to Alderaan.
Granted, he succeeded in bringing her back to herself. Leia's eyes shot open at the sudden hand on her shoulder, and her mind screamed at her — Vader was back; somehow, Vader had been brought back to life and he was tarnishing her again. Holding her and forcing her to watch as she lost everything, again.
No! She would fight back; this time, she refused to stand by idly and watch everybody that she loved walking away from her. So, amidst her despair, she turned around and shoved Vader far away from her.
However, her despair and her guilt only grew when she noticed what she had done to Luke , her own brother. She raised both her hands to her mouth to compress her silent yell.
Luke was not expecting his sister's sudden burst of rage, or that he would be caught so off guard that he violently stumbled back, his arm scratching on the sharp corner of a table to the point it drew blood. He looked at his arm, and then at his sister.
"What the hell, Leia?!"
Leia started to hyperventilate at the notion of what she had just done.
"I'm sorry, Luke, I'm so sorry—"
He shook his head vigorously.
"If you didn't want me to touch you, you could have just said it!" Luke reprimanded her, the cut barely hurting in comparison to his sister showing an act of violence towards him. "You didn't need to push me away!"
"I know, I'm so sorry, Luke," Leia kept saying, and kept praying for his forgiveness. She had lost Alderaan, she had lost her adoptive parents, she had just ruined her relationship with her birth mother; if she came to her twin brother, blood of her blood — she would crumble, and she didn't think she would ever be able to pull herself back together.
"I came here to check on you because I was worried about you," Luke continued, "Yet, here we are all over again. It's like you want to push away anyone who could possibly care for you."
This time, Leia remained silent. She had nothing to say in her defense.
"You want to be alone, fine, I'll leave you alone," Luke said, no longer looking at the figure of his sister ahead of him. "I just hope that one day you'll learn that you're alone only because you want to."
Leia tried to suppress her sob to no avail.
Luke turned to leave, but not before pulling a small holo device from his pocket and indignantly placing it over the table with a thud. Leia didn't need to think too much to know what it was.
"I've spent the last several weeks trying to fix it, for you ," Luke heartbrokenly said. "Today, I dedicated all my time to succeed in fixing it to you, because I wanted something good to come out of this dreadful day. It's a little blurry, I couldn't salvage all the mechanism after it fell, but it's still there. I hope this will mean something to you. Or not, I don't care."
With that, he left. The door closed and locked Leia inside within her solitude.
Leia stumbled towards the table where the holo device was and, with shaky hands, turned it on, the picture of her dead parents coming to life. As Luke said, their faces were a little burry, but they were there again for her. Upon her solitude, she allowed the tears to freely stream down her tears.
The tears that she had always forbidden herself from crying.
Then, something flicked inside of her. She put down the holopicture of her family and desperately rushed towards her wardrobe, where she kept hidden in a safe box her most precious belongings; belongings from a life that didn't exist anymore. Her heart pounded inside her chest as she opened it and found a small data card that she had kept safe for the past four years.
The data card that Mon Mothma had given her just after the battle of Yavin, once she had been confined to a medical bay to have her body treated for the horrors done to her in the Death Star. The data card of his father's last message to his best friend, in which he had grieved for the daughter he thought he had lost.
The message that she had never brought herself to hear, so scared she had been of hearing the grief on her father's voice.
She needed to hear it today, though. She needed to remember just how much she had once been loved.
So she grabbed one of her datapads and put the data card in, falling to the ground without dignity as her father's voice broke through.
"She's gone. She's gone, and I don't know what to do.
"I… I'm sorry, Mon. I know these matters don't concern you, but I am on the edge of despair. All Alderaan is. I thought I knew pain before, but… Nothing compares to this. It's like I can't breathe.
"Mon, I knew the risks of the mission. I was tremendously aware of them, and I still chose to send her, my own daughter, because I trusted her more than anything, that she would safely make it to Tatooine. I was wrong, and because of my mistakes, she's paid the ultimate price.
"It's — It's not fair. I hate saying this but — it was always supposed to be me to go first. Not her. She's my baby, she's my whole world, and she's… she's…
"Ahern, I'm sorry. I can't bring myself to say it. It all feels so surreal. It's been three days since we got the news that there had been an accident and everybody aboard the Tantive IV died, and ever since then, it's like life just stopped. Nothing makes sense anymore.
"Breha is devastated, for lack of a better word. I don't think the right words to describe what we're feeling exist. She hasn't left her bed for three days now, she can't bring herself to eat or to drink without getting sick to her stomach, and I understand it. I understand because even though I'm trying to remain strong, for Breha, for… For her, there's nothing I wish more than to fall to my knees and beg that the goddesses are merciful enough to take me as well.
"Mon, she was our miracle. She was everything to us. I don't know how to breathe when she isn't here anymore.
"Breha believes she's still alive. The last words I've heard from her, all three days ago, was ordering our people to go after Leia and bring her back home. I want so badly to cling to Breha's hope, to know that the Empire is lying and that my daughter is still out there, somewhere, alive. But — if Leia is still alive, then it means that they have her… it means he has her… and they must be doing the most terrible things to her to get her to talk.
"I know my daughter, I know how stubborn she is. No, how strong she is. I know she won't talk, I know she will give her life for the cause she believes in. But they will try to break her, and I can't bring myself to imagine the pain she's going through. My daughter is either dead or she is being held by the cruelest people in the galaxy being tortured by them. How can I choose? How can I long for either of those possibilities?"
There was a sob; a painful sob. Leia had to fight hard to contain her own emotions at the sound of her father so broken.
"If by some miracle Leia ever comes back home, I'll never let her go again. I know this sounds so selfish of me, that she's entitled to her freedom, and I know that she will look me dead in the eyes and call me sexist and all the possible names in the galaxy for keeping her away from her fight, but… I can't lose her. I can't ever lose her. Mon, if she truly is dead, then I'm lost. I don't know how to recover from this ache, I don't know how to live in a world where my Leia doesn't.
"We spent so many years longing for her… She is our miracle, she saved us from the innate pain in our hearts. To lose her is to lose hope. To lose hope… We might as well be dead.
"I've lost her, and I'll never forgive myself for it. I was supposed to protect her, I brought her home so she would have a safe and loving life, and I failed her. I failed her, I failed Breha, I failed Alderaan. My people will be devastated if — when — we have to tell them of their princess' ultimate fate. They love her so much, and she loves them so much. She was going to be such a greater leader, and I stole that from her. I stole her youth and her life from her. All because I couldn't keep her away from the fight.
"Argh, I'm sorry. I know this mostly doesn't make sense. I am just — so sad, Mon. I needed to talk to you about my grief because I can't bring it to Breha, not when she's so lost herself. And… Well, I need to tell you something.
"I will not rest, Mon. I won't give up until I've found the people responsible for taking my little girl from me. I will not stop until I find them, and I make them pay for hurting her, for laying a finger on her. Even if it means getting myself killed in the end. Life doesn't make sense without my Leia, anyway, so I will go down by bringing her name justice. I just regret that I'll put Breha through that, as well. But she'll understand. She's always ever wanted what's best for Leia, and she would want to see the people that took Leia from us destroyed.
"Breha doesn't know of this, of course. You're the only person that knows. I will avenge my daughter's death even if it's the last thing I do. And if I happen to find Leia safe, alive, on my journey, I'll have the chance to try and make amends for my mistakes — Hm? Yes, come in. What is it?"
There was a second voice in the call, but Leia couldn't make their words. She was already too busy trying to hold her breath before she collapsed.
When Bail's voice returned, there was something else there. A fright that Leia had never heard from her father before.
"I — I have to go. Something's happened. There's something… Hanging over the skies of Alderaan, it doesn't look good. I — I have to go get Breha. I don't know what we're going to do, or what's going to happen, but I need to find Breha. I need to be — with her."
With misty eyes, Leia understood all too well — her father was aware of the Death Star threatening the Alderaanian sky, and he knew exactly what was going to happen, and he was — scared. She didn't think he was scared for himself, not entirely, but he was terrified of what would happen to his wife, to his people, to his homeworld — to the daughter he now knew was still alive.
He knew because the only reason that Alderaan would be caught in the line of fire was if his daughter that the Empire held hostage had resisted their every attempt at breaking her will.
He knew, just as he knew that the instant that the Death Star hovered over Alderaan — there was no escape for them.
"Mon… If you happen to find Leia… No, when you find Leia — Please tell her that I love her. That her mother and I love her so much, and we are so proud of her. Please, let her know that we will always be with her, even if she can't be with us anymore. She's our greatest pride, our greatest joy. Mon — don't let Leia hurt too badly. I know it's a lot to ask of you, especially when I know just how easily Leia's heart breaks for the atrocities that happen everywhere, so this will hurt as nothing has ever hurt her before, but… Tell her to be strong. Tell her that her heart is a star so bright that it will never burn out, and so long as she holds tight to the light inside of her, she will outshine them all.
"I have to go. I'll see you soon, my friend."
Bail Organa's last words ceased from existence, and he was, at last, laid for his final rest.
Leia broke a sob, and then another, and for the first time since the battle of Yavin — she cried for all of her losses.
A/N: i promise it'll all be resolved around the next chapter. trust me, I know the author.
feedback appreciated!
