Can you say, "SLOW UPDATES!"?
Crowd: SLOW UPDATES!
Can you say, "Bored out of my mind!"?
Crowd: BORED OUT OF MY MIND!
Can you say, "Devastating lack of creativity!"?
Crowd: DEVASTATING LACK OF CREATIVITY!
Those three things are what this chapter is formed on!
Lol.
W. Cat: Yay! Hamiltrash! Welcome to the club!
Harryscuzin: No problem! I understand school being overwhelming- that's why I'm updating less. Thanks! YOU EVIL LITTLE-
BookCat62408: Yay! Weirdos are cool! Weirdo pride!
girlonfire: WHAAAAAAAT? It's on my to-do list! That will probably never be done. But I'll listen at some point! HOW DARE YOU GET RID OF DEAR EVAN HANSEN!? Have you seen/listened to Rent? If you're recommending Six, this is what I recommend. Warning: Prepare for fangirling. Prepare for death. Prepare for genderqueer monarchs and lesbian drama queens and songs about singer's block. PREPARE YOURSELF. And then watch Rent. And Peggy!
TheBackedUpT-Rex: A lot of it is A/N's but YEP! XD
Country-Fangirl: Thanks!
Fitzphieistrash: Or Fitzelier. Both work. It's like Sophitz vs Fitzphie.
Luna Snapdragon: I thought I had a Koralie chapter somewhere... anyway, I'll read Unlocked and decide, 'cause I think I might hate Kenric by the end of it. Thanks!
So, remember that devastating lack of creativity? Here it is!
Me: PREPARE YOURSELVES, PEASANTS!
Keefe: Oh no.
Sophie: I'm scared.
Wylie: EW! WHAT IF SHE'S TRYING TO SHIP HERSELF WITH ME! THAT'S DISGUSTING EW EW EW!
Me: Okay, first of all, you're way too old for me. Not like Lylie it's-a-strech-but-mostly-okay too old, but if-you-dated-me-you'd-be-arrested too old. Second, I'm not interested in you. Or boys in general. So, no.
Wylie: *Sigh of relief*
Me: Oh, don't sigh in relief just yet. I still haven't told you the real ship.
Wylie: *Gulp*
Dex: I swear to mallowmelt, if you're trying to ship me with Iggy-
Me: No. But good idea, thanks!
Dex: Dang it.
Fitz: Oh! Just thought of the most barfious ship- Sophie plus Keefe!
Me: Um, Fitz, you just misspelled your own name.
Tam: Um, A. Fan, this is a spoken conversation.
Me: Oh yeah. Mispronounced, then. Anyone else want to guess?
Sophie: A very obsessed fangirl plus the crowd, as per the cliche "enemies to lovers" trope?
Me: No...
Biana: Oh mallowmelt, you're going to ship yourself with me, aren't you?
Me: No. But again, good idea.
Biana: *Sighs*
Me: Actually, I ship you too hard with *inhale* Sophie, Tam, Linh, and Marella, plus I don't want Tam to beat me with a saltshaker, so I'm good. But... maybe if I ever run out...
Biana: *Stage whisper* Don't let her run out!
Sophie: So what is the ship?
Me: Well... it's Shannon Messenger... plus cliffhangers!
*The typical scenery of A. Fan's chromebook with too many tabs open and the Queer Kiwi's music playing in the background fades away. Everyone with good music taste groans, because they rather liked the song. But now, they are standing on the edge of a cliff. Considering how clumsy they are, Sophie and A. Fan take several steps back.*
Wylie: I have an idea! *Grabs Sophie and they yeet off the cliff* TELEPORT!
Sophie: *Teleports*
Me: Ugh, it's been a while since Wylie obnoxiously tried to escape! I guess it was long overdue. *Snaps fingers, and they return*
Wylie, grumbling: I thought for sure that would work.
Sophie: I tried.
Me: Anyway, Wylie, thank you for volunteering!
Wylie: Volunteering... for... what?
Dex: As tribute!
*He high fives me*
Keefe: Happy Hunger Games!
Tam: And may the odds be ever in your favor!
*Everyone stares at him for a second- he does a scarily good Effie Trinket impression. Finally, we share a collective shrug*
Marella: Fire is catching, and we are the flames!
Fitz: Stay alive, sweetheart!
Sophie: Stay aliiiiiiiive... stay aliiiiiiiiive...
Linh: Wait, what are we even referencing anymore?
Me: Honestly, I have no idea.
Biana: Fair enough. So, if not for the Hunger Games, what was Wylie volunteering for?
Me: *Snaps fingers*
*Wylie disappears momentarily, before he comes back into sight, hanging onto the edge of the cliff by his fingertips.*
*The song A. Fan is listening to right now- the chromebook music came with them- is called Fingertips, and the word played right as she typed it, which is kind of odd. It's a very good song, though.*
Me: He's being cliffhung!
Tam: I don't think that's a verb.
Me: Spellcheck says it's a real word... wait, no, the red line just appeared. Sometimes it takes a while. But what does spellcheck know? IT IS A REAL VERB, PEASANT!
Fitz: It's really not a real verb.
Me: What even is real? You're not real, you're fictional characters. This universe we exist in, where I type on a chromebook and we occasionally transport ourselves to cliffs, isn't real, it's fanfiction. And what proof is there that I exist, that my fans do?
Wylie: Your- fans- don't- exist-
Me: Focus on not falling, Wylie. Where was I?
Biana: Your fans existing.
Me: Thank you. What proof is there that I exist? That my fans do? That anyone does? How do we know reality is not just an illusion, or that everything we think to be true is a fictional story? A dream? We have no proof that anything is real, so who are you to tell me that I word has any less reality than anything else?
Dex: Dam, that was both deep and completely unnecesary.
Sophie: Oddly philosophical for an argument as to why "cliffhung" is a word.
Marella: Taken out of context, that would probably be something that people would quote and put on posters and A. Fan merchandise-
Wylie: Mallowmelt, I hope A. Fan merch doesn't really exist.
Me: I wish. Continue?
Marella: -and stuff, like a John Green quote. You know, like "slowly and then all at once" or something.
Me: Speaking of authors, now that we have a cliffhanger, we need the second half of the happy couple!
Biana: Happy couple?
Linh: Wait, are you going to-
Me: *Snaps fingers*
*Shannon Messenger appears*
Me: Excellent! Now, I don't think I've put Shannon in here before, mostly because this is ~garbage~ and she is ~probably too good for this garbage~ but I don't really care anymore, and could rant about this in PMs if anyone cares. Most of it has to do with lack of proper book diversity and some problematic characterization, but there is some of this series is just completely dragging on, and I'm mad about that as well as the love triangle. Okay, I'm ranting about it here. I can rant more in PMs. Anyway, since Shannon isn't legally allowed to read fanfictions, I guess I'm safe.
Tam: You rant too much.
Me: Probably. Anyway, let me introduce Shannon to what we're doing here!
Shannon: Please don't. Ignorance is bliss, you know.
Me: oH, iS tHaT wHy YoU'rE sO iGnOrAnT aBoUt HoW tO pRoPeRlY dIvErSiFy YoUr BoOkS!?
Shannon: Wow, chill. I doubt you could do better.
Me: I could, actually.
*Staring contest*
Shannon: I could change my copyright laws, you know.
Me: Fine. I'll chill. Shannon Messenger, you are here to be shipped with cliffhangers.
Shannon: Shipped... with... cliffhangers...?
Tam: Don't ask.
Shannon: I'm asking.
Wylie: Seriously- don't- ask-
Shannon: Wait, why is Wylie hanging off a cliff?
Me: Because it's a cliffhanger!
Shannon: But what if he falls?
Me: Hey, he volunteered!
Linh: He really didn't.
Me: Don't be ridiculous. Anyway, Shannon, it's nothing you haven't done a million times already.
Sophie: Eight.
Me: Same thing.
Keefe: I thought you were supposed to be good at math?
Fitz: She isn't good at anything.
Linh: She's good at a lot of things!
Tam: She's good at looking like a carrot.
Biana: She's good at being a human disaster.
Marella: She's good at torturing me.
Sophie: She's good at procrastinating.
Shannon: She's good at screaming about diversity in books.
Me: NO LGBTQ+ CHARACTERS! NONE! DO YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR LGBTQ+ YOUTH TO SEE THEMSELVES REFLECTED IN MEDIA!?
*Everyone ignores me*
Wylie: She's good at... breathing?
Me: Not really.
Shannon: Do you guys ever stay on topic?
Everyone, collectively: Nope!
Shannon: Anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm single at the moment, but I am not desperate enough to date cliffhangers.
Marella: How can you be "pretty sure" you're single?
Shannon: A. Fan thinks she heard something about me divorcing my husband who's name I forgot-
Biana: How do you forget your husband's name?
Shannon: Because A. Fan is far too lazy to look up anything about my personal life.
Fitz: Seems in keeping with her character.
Me: Hey! I'm not lazy!
*Crickets*
Me: I'm kind of lazy. But I just did some research on the origins of cliffhangers, and it turns out the word was created by Thomas Hardy. His book, "A Pair Of Blue Eyes," ends with the main character hanging of a cliff, and that's how the term originated. So, since this cliff can't talk-
Cliff: 'Sup.
Shannon: The cliff can't talk! *Shuts it up with author powers*
Me: -since the cliff can't talk, we'll have Thomas Hardy come to represent the cilff.
Thomas Hardy: Um... hi? I've been dead for over ninety years...
Me: Have you really been dead? Or have was your death faked for the drama and cliffhanger?
Thomas Hardy: No, I'm pretty sure I died.
Me: Oh. Well, you're back now! On my chromebook, at least.
Thomas Hardy: Chro- chromebook...?
Me: Computer.
Thomas Hardy: Computer?
Me: Note to self, never talk to early-twentieth-century people again. You're alive in my work of fiction. Anyway, because I'm bored, slow, and uncreative, I'm shipping an author with cliffhangers.
Thomas Hardy: Would that author, by any chance, be Rick Riordan?
Me: No, Shannon Messenger.
Thomas Hardy: WELL TOUGH LUCK! RICK RIORDAN PLUS CLIFFHANGERS IS MY ONE TRUE PAIRING! SO THERE!
Me: Wow... okay.
Cliff: I can talk again, and I've been in a long term relationship with Rick for a while, but Shannon and I do have a bit of a thing.
Fitz: Wow... the cliff is a player.
Me: Maybe it's in a healthy polyamorous relationship with people. It's 2020, let's stop it with the polyam stigma. #Isupportpolyamorouscliffs2020.
Keefe: Okay, what the-
Sophie: Polyamory is WRONG!
Linh: Okay, Sophie, think of how rude that is to people in ethical and consensual-
Sophie: Greek root! Latin root! Combined! AHH!
Me: Okay first of all, at least you respect people. Second of all, television, automobile, and neurotransmitter are also hybrid words. They're not that big a deal. English combines like fifteen different languages for most of its words.
Sophie: Fine. #Isupportpolyamorouscliffs2020.
Me: Thank you! So, Thomas, who else is the cliff dating?
Thomas: Oh, most serial authors. I think the cliff might have mentioned an affinity for you, A. Fan, at some point.
Me: Sorry, cliff, I'm not interested.
Tam: Be interested! It's the best offer you'll ever get for a relationship.
Me: Never before have I been so offended by something I 100% agree with!
Dex: So, this chapter has deteriorated into a complete disaster, so how about we put it out of its misery?
Wylie: By it, do you mean the chapter or A. Fan? Because either is fine-
Me: Dam.
Wylie: You let me risk my life hanging off a cliff!
Me: Oh yeah. *Snaps fingers*
Wylie: *Disappears, reappears standing on solid ground*
Biana: I agree, we should end the chapter now. So, in conclusion, cliffhangers are polyamorous and attracted to any author that successfully and repeatedly writes cliffhangers?
Marella: Sounds about right.
Keefe: That's not weird at all.
Me: Of course not! Now, how do I end these things? It's been a while.
Shannon: Can I leave? I have better things to do than listen to whiny [REDACTED]-year-old girls whine about how my writing isn't good enough and she can do better.
Me: Your writing is fine. It's your diversity I-
Shannon: Yeah, bye. *Vanishes*
Thomas Hardy: Well, it was nice meeting you? Bye! *Vanishes*
Me: Alright, I still don't know how to end this, so... see you next month! MUAHAHAHA! *Vanishes using smoke bomb because I'm a freaking drama queen*
Alright, that's it for this month! Hope you enjoyed!
Between now and next update, a LOT is going to happen. Halloween. Half of NaNoWriMo. The election (curls into ball of anxiety). And, of course, UNLOCKED! So get ready for a rant on that.
Go check out my new story Girls Like Girls! It's a Sophiana songfic to Hayley Kiyoko's Girls Like Girls.
And, for everyone participating in the contest, there's a really important announcement about that on the forum! So go read it!
I think that's all it! Please review!
