Cards Against the Crystal Gems
Amethyst read the next question. "Tonight, we will have sex. And afterwards, if you'd like, a little bit of _."
They all put down a white card.
"And afterwards, a little bit of stapling a butterfly to a cow."
"That's an oddly specific fetish." Bismuth commented.
"And afterwards, a little bit of a whole new kind of porn. Apparently, it involves stapling a butterfly to a cow. And afterwards, a little bit of eating pussy bad. I vote we eat pussy good instead. And afterwards, a little bit of being a dinosaur."
"That sounds like you." Garnet said.
"And afterwards, a little bit of Hoopnugget, the game where you throw a nugget into a hoop. I have to pick being a dinosaur."
"We're tied again." Garnet noted, glancing at Pearl. "But I'll win." With that, she picked up the next card. "Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm _!"
The gems chose their answers.
"You can't catch me, I'm being a motherfucking sorcerer!"
"We can still totally take you." Bismuth said confidently.
"You can't catch me, I'm getting really high!"
"How does that help?" Lapis asked.
"Obviously, they've positioned themselves in a high up place that other people can't get to." Peridot explained.
"You can't catch me, I'm the invisible hand! Can't catch what you can't see. You can't catch me, I'm a bird that dies!"
Amethyst shapeshifted into a bird. "You'll never take me alive, coppers!"
"You can't catch me, I'm destroying the evidence!"
"Oh, that's clever!" Pearl laughed.
"I agree." Garnet said.
"Thought so." Bismuth grinned as she took the card.
Pearl drew a new card. "Heed my voice mortals! I am the god of _, and I will not tolerate _!"
The others giggled at Pearl's rather dramatic reading.
"I am the god of butt stuff, and I will not tolerate an 800-foot-long pool noodle!"
"Even gods have their limits." Garnet said.
"I am the god of a thermonuclear detonation, and I will not tolerate a garbage clown who makes no one laugh and should die!"
"That clown is gonna get smited so hard." Amethyst laughed.
"It's smote, actually." Pearl corrected.
"Are you the god of grammar, too?"
"I am the god of the pirate's life, and I will not tolerate literally eating shit!"
"Are you sure those weren't meant to be read in the opposite order?" Amethyst asked teasingly.
Pearl just glared and moved on. "I am the god of Cards Against the Crystal Gems, and I will not tolerate the kind of porn with poop!"
"Again-" Amethyst started.
"Kindly shut up before I stab you." Pearl asked nicely. "I am the god of the harsh light of day, and I will not tolerate Padparadscha laughing at the joke you told two minutes ago!"
"Her delayed reactions do get annoying after a while. Peridot confessed.
"I want to be the god of a thermonuclear detonation." Pearl decided.
"Woo!" Amethyst took the card.
Bismuth read the next one. "If you had to describe me, the Card Czar, using only one of the cards in your hand, which one would it be?"
Several of the others smirked deviously at Bismuth.
Bismuth gulped nervously before reading the first card. "A magician fucking up over and over again. I don't even know what a magician is!"
"That would explain why you're so bad at it." Lapis said.
"Getting banished to the Shadow Realm. If by Shadow Realm, you mean inside Rose's lion, then sure. Police brutality."
"You were a bit… hotheaded back in the day." Pearl pointed out.
"A protagonist with no qualities. Some cracker-ass motherfucker."
Everyone giggled.
Bismuth glared. "You guys suck. Getting banished to the Shadow Realm I guess."
"Yeah!" Amethyst cheered.
Peridot snatched up the next card. "_ would be woefully incomplete without _."
They each picked two cards.
"Treasures beyond your wildest dreams would be incomplete without owing a lot of money to some very bad people."
"Typical." Garnet muttered.
"A big, sloppy blowjob from a mean, tired cowboy would be incomplete without this old Ruby rider."
"Well it does require a cowboy." Amethyst mused.
"A man in a suit with perfect hair who tells you beautiful lies would be incomplete without having a penis. Depression would be incomplete without having big dreams but no realistic way to achieve them."
"Sad, but true." Lapis said.
"Informing you that I am a registered sex offender would be incomplete without being sexually attracted to children."
"…Thanks for the warning, I guess." Bismuth said.
"Depression." Peridot decided.
Pearl got the card.
Lapis read the next card. "I hate this job. I hate this place. Most of all, I hate _. I quit."
"I know that feeling." Bismuth said.
"I hate ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart."
Pearl nodded. "That would make a big mess."
"I hate dead babies."
"First men, now babies? Why does your job involve so much murder?" Peridot asked.
"I hate having no legs, just toes."
"That would suck." Amethyst agreed.
"I hate grammar nazis who are also regular Nazis."
"Wait, you used to be a Nazi?" Amethyst gasped.
"That would explain all the murder." Peridot mused.
"I hate boring vaginal sex. This wins."
"I'll take that!" Bismuth took the card.
Current Score
Amethyst: 33
Garnet: 37
Pearl: 38
Bismuth: 34
Peridot: 28
Lapis: 28
