Will they talk? Won't they? #BetsAreOpenNow... #everythingWouldBeEasierIfTheyTalked

Enjoy!
M.

Chapter 78

Sunday, November 25, 2012

With a long string of promises to take it slow, and her word that she and Parker would join them at Janet's place for Thanksgiving. Janet released Sam two days after she woke up. Now, nine days after her crash, she was still feeling a bit tender in some spots.

Fred had declined to help her train, at least until the bruising wasn't that bad. She would need written medical authorization before she could start again. Being unable to train or kick Fred's ass made Sam like a ticking time bomb. Her anger was vibrating just under her skin.

So, she'd tried to work. To keep her mind busy. Truth was, she'd only managed that during Thanksgiving. Where everything was so loud and familiar, that she hadn't had time to dwell on how much of a failure she was. When Cassie said she was grateful for her return to her life. Guilt was piled on top of the already large mountain she'd created since arriving.

She risked a glance towards Parker, who was stretched comfortably on the loveseat next to her. While she herself was sprawled on a couch, while they read and did a lousy job at paying attention to the movie in the background.

"That's surviving… Not living. Is that really what you want Parker to learn? How to survive life?" Janet's words kept coming back to her in an endless loop. She shifted on the couch and grimaced when her still tender ribcage made itself known.

"Are you okay?" Parker jumped to her side, dropping her book on the couch and kneeling beside her.

"Yeah. Don't worry, P. You aren't supposed to worry this much. I'm the grown-up here." Sam said. She knew that she was far from helping Parker forget all about the fear the accident had created in her. She had managed to break her daughter in one night. 'That must be a record', she thought.

"I was scared, mommy," Parker confessed.

"I know. I'm sorry, P. I should've paid more attention to the road. This could've been avoidable."

"You can't change what already happened, mommy," Parker whispered and Sam sighed.

"I wish I could, P… God knows I wish I could." She said tracing Parker's features with the tip of her fingers. "I'm returning to work tomorrow, P… I'll be picking you up. I can only work half day according to Janet."

"Okay. Mommy?"

"Yes, P?"

"What would've happened to me if you… Didn't survive?" Parker wondered. Sam took a deep breath.

"I survived P… Don't dwell on the what-ifs. It only causes pain." Parker looked at her mom. Sighing as Sam just took a sip of the tea, she had close by. Chalking this to the list of things her mom wouldn't talk about.

"Sir General Jack seems nice…" She tried, getting back to her couch. "He seems to really care about you. Do you like him?" Sam spluttered.

"What?"

"Do you like him? I mean, he was worried. Doctor Jackson was worried too… and Uncle T… but Sir General Jack was the most worried of them all. Maybe he likes you… You know?"

"He was a good friend. They all were."

"Not anymore?" Parker asked, and Sam frowned. "You said was and were…. Aren't they still your friends now? I thought friendship was supposed to last forever."

"P…" Sam sighed. She didn't know what to say. "Life, it's far more complicated as you grow older." She settled for one universal truth. Parker didn't seem convinced but grabbed her book again.

"Mom…" She started after a while. Sam sighed.

"Yes, P?"

"What's up with that vase? It wasn't there before… You know? Until you started to go through the boxes. I thought it was weird. Did it come from one of those boxes you already opened up?" Sam smiled at this.

"That was my mom's. It has been in the family for generations, P. I loved it before…"

"Then how come I never saw it?"

"You know how our stuff was always kept in different places?"

"Yeah, to keep it safe until we could be free of the bad guys." Parker nodded.

"This one was also kept safe before you were born." Sam smiled. "When I was only Samantha Carter."

"Oh… Okay." Parker sensed she had already asked too much. So she got back to her book. Beside her, Sam breathed in relief.

"That's surviving… Not living. Is that really what you want Parker to learn? How to survive life?" She heard again and pinched the bridge of her nose.

That night, she tossed and turned as much as her sore body would allow her. She didn't sleep much. She was up and ready to go before time. Around noon, she was back home. The place was cold and empty without Parker to keep it loud and homey.

Sam wandered around her house, remembering the things she had lived and felt sorry for herself.

"That's surviving… Not living. Is that really what you want Parker to learn? How to survive life?"

She picked up the phone and dialed a number she'd dialed before and waited.

"Connor? Is your proposal still open?" She asked.

"Sam. Yes, of course. I'm here whether you need a shoulder to cry or an ear to listen."

"Look, I… I'm not sure I should burden you with this. I already burdened you enough as it is."

"Hey… It wasn't a burden at all. Trust me, it's what I chose to do for a living. I've heard a lot of sins worse than yours."

"Worse than killing, manipulating, and using people?"

"Yes. You're too harsh on yourself. I can be there tomorrow morning. Does Jack know you've called?"

"N-no".

"It's okay. I'll drop by his house. I won't tell him I'm there to speak to you."

"I'll really appreciate it if you don't tell him I called you."

"Sure. No worries. Sam… I mean it. Don't worry about this. Don't worry about burdening me with something that it's not a burden at all. Besides, haven't you managed more than you thought you would when we last really spoke about your situation? Aren't you just Samantha Carter-O'Neill now?"

Sam gulped. Was she Samantha Carter-O'Neill? There was a piece of paper that said she was. Of course, there were pieces of papers that said she was also twenty-five other women.

"I'm not sure."

"I have another call on the line. Don't worry, I'll be there as soon as I can. Until then, hang on."

"Thanks, Connor."

"Believe me, it's my pleasure."

Connor ended the call and looked at the caller ID of the incoming call. He shook his head. They were so similar, even in their breaking points. "Is this my older brother's miracle call?" Connor grinned.

"Connor… I fucked up. I need to talk to you."

"I see. Well, I can't leave tonight. You know mom will kill me if I miss family dinner. Killing a priest is bad on the sin list. I'll be there tomorrow. How does that sound?"

"Sounds like I won't be aiming my gun at you. When I find you at my place when I get back from work."

"I'll see you there, brother. Oh, and Jack?"

"Yes?"

"Hang up in there. Everything will be alright."

"I'm not counting on that one, Connor. Say hi to the family for me."

"Will do."

Tuesday, November 27, 2012.

Father Connor O'Neill had landed around eleven am. He got himself a rental and drove to his brother's house. He had emailed his sister-in-law with the details of his flight. She'd answered him it would be nice if they could meet for lunch since she was on light duty.

They found each other at an Italian restaurant that was cozy enough not to be loud. She had greeted him. He had kissed her cheek and embraced her quickly. They didn't notice the dumbstruck Daniel, looking at them from the store on the other side of the road.

They had a quick lunch. Then they drove back to her place. Daniel followed them. He couldn't believe what his eyes were seeing. Not when he thought he had seen some advances between Sam and Jack. Not when they seemed to be getting along so nicely.

Not when there were rumors than they had left the SGC together, the day of her crash. That there were missed calls from O'Neill on her phone. Not when Jack had remained by her bedside until she woke up and was there every time she fell asleep.

But Sam had just allowed a man to her house… After a date.

He wanted to see more. He wanted to go there and ring the doorbell, demanding answers. He couldn't. What kind of ass would he be? All he knew were conjectures of what he thought was happening. Maybe that was Parker's father and maybe they were friendly towards each other for their daughter's sake.

Maybe…

Too many guesses. He decided he would keep this to himself unless he saw things changing between her and Jack. If that happened… If he knew things were once again on the right track for them… He would need to bring this one up. To spare Jack from Sam breaking his heart again.

Inside the house, Sam and Connor were oblivious to the struggling mind of Daniel. If she knew she would've added some extra guilt to her layers. Connor would reassure her that there wasn't anything wrong with letting him in. That he was not only his brother-in-law but a priest. None of that happened as Sam set to make some coffee for them.

"So, what's eating you, Samantha Carter?"

"She is eating me…" She said with a self-deprecating smile on her face. "I'm not sure I'm her anymore, Connor. How can I be?"

"How can you not?" Connor countered.

"I've changed. I'm not the same person I was when you met me."

"We all are different, Sam. It's impossible to be the same person we were even a minute ago. Not when life experiences are shaping us with every turn of the clock. Your experiences were many. They made you doubt of everyone around you. But tell me something, did you ever lose the faith in him?"

"No."

"Then there you have it. You may not be the same person I met or the same person he met. But there are things that never changed. You just need to find them."

"What if I'm not…" She shook her head. "Never mind."

"You are not what? Perfect? Easy going? Humble? Honest?" He tried.

"No," she sighed. "It's not that." He frowned. "You look so like him when you do that." She added sadly.

"Can you explain to me what happened that made you call me?"

"I needed to talk." Sam shrugged.

"Yet, here I am, and you aren't talking to me. Would it help if I wasn't Jack's brother? Would it help if I was Jack?"

"Yes! No… I think we have no fix anymore…" she grimaced.

"Don't you love him? Haven't you gone a long way to get back to him?" Connor asked.

"I do… I have… But… It's hard. We seem unable to talk anymore."

"Have you tried?" Sam chuckled dryly, then almost hysterically.

"I tried. I went to his home and ended up fucking him. At least it was a nice birthday present." She shook her head. "Then he wanted to talk, and we ended up fucking against his door. Fuck, Connor… We didn't even make it into the room." She said. Connor looked at her with understanding shining in his eyes. "You don't seem surprised or outraged." She huffed.

"I told you, people sin differently. Besides, you both are passionate people. You both have a past, you're married. It would've surprised me if, after all this time, you hadn't found an outlet for the sexual tension that comes from your obvious attraction to each other." He smiled. "What is your fear, Sam? Your innermost heart-wrenching fear when it comes to him?"

"That he won't want me anymore. That if he could see inside me, he'd despise the woman I've become. That he'll hate me as much as I hate myself." She felt a couple of tears falling down her cheeks. "That he won't be able to help me find my way back. That we'll be unable to find ground beyond fucking each other senseless." She took a deep breath… "That he won't love me anymore."

"Trust me on this one, he can't help but love you. I'm not sure he can help you back to yourself if you don't talk to him. I'm not sure you can get back to who you were. Maybe you just need to accept this new you. In any case, it'd be hard for him to fix what he doesn't know what it's broken. Have you ever tried to fix a puzzle without looking at the image? This, it's just like that… He knows how it's supposed to look but he doesn't quite know where all the pieces fit."

"What if we can't talk? What if all we do is fall back into his bed or mine?"

"Then do it. Maybe that's the way for you guys. All I know is that I haven't met people so alike before. I know Jack is a romantic, but I also know he's awful for words when it comes to love. He's a man of action, and I believe you are too. I mean, I don't know another woman who chose to face a whole corrupt government to return to her husband. Do you?" she shook her head no, then rubbed her face, tiredly.

"I'm afraid." She confessed.

"We all are. That's life. One big leap of faith after another. You can't remain forever standing in the same position, hoping that you won't need to move."

"I'm not sure I can."

"Sam. I'm not a shrink. Maybe you need to find one. Someone who can help you untangle the mess that living as different people brought to your mind. Maybe all you need is to open up to the one who really matters. Asking for help it's no weakness. In any case… The first step to fix yourself must come from you."

Sam took a deep breath, then she noticed the time. "I need to pick Parker up from school."

"Okay. I'll see myself out."

"Connor?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"There's no need to thank me. We are family, aren't we?"

"Still, you've come every time I needed you."

"Every time you needed Jack and didn't know how to reach him, you mean." He smiled at her knowingly. Sam blushed. "Jack is lucky to have found you, Sam. You are lucky to have saved him before. Yours is a nice love story. One that deserves a better ending than a 'we fucked against the door.' But even nice love stories have some struggle in them. It's what binds people together. I'm sure when you find yourselves through this mess, you'll discover that your love has only grown, and matured beautifully. Now, you should go, and so should I."

"Thanks, Connor… Really. I mean it."

"I know. It's my pleasure to step on his shoes when he is unable to." He blushed then. "But only for conversations!" He joked, making her blush and laugh. As he drove away, Sam noticed that she felt lighter. He was right. The messed up one was her. She needed to pull herself together and be proud of her new self. After all, no matter how much she thought she was undeserving… She'd managed to get this far.