Dear readers, I give you the most accurate portrayal of Adrinette possible.


PROLOGUE

WHICH LEADS TO.

{The frog and the squirrel become best friends… and make it to the moon… The End…?}

...TO BE CONTINUED…


Miraculous Migraine
Episode 33: Love is a Blanc Hole
By: I Write Big

It's hard to admit that you were wrong. Especially when you're so rich that you can pay someone to make your obvious wrong into a truth. But this year of getting his ass handed to him by teenagers had changed Gabriel Agreste, filled him with… humility.

"I'm sorry, Emi-poo," he said to the glass coffin.

"Yo, Gabriel!" Nooroo shouted as it phased through the ceiling. "I just felt the anger of this carnival-freak knife-thrower who stubbed his toe! Let's akumatize him into a scissor-handed slasher!"

Gabriel said nothing.

"Gabe!" Duusu snickered as it phased through the floor. "I just saw this on the news! A dogcatcher got caught by a bunch of dogs! HAHAH! He'd akumatize into a great joke!"

Gabriel said nothing.

"Sir," Nathalie's tablet beeped as she wheeled herself out of the mini-elevator. "I've just received word that report cards are being released early. The school will be a feeding ground for your Akumas."

Gabriel said nothing.

"Sir?"

Gabriel finally opened his mouth but he did not turn from the coffin. His response was cold, stern, and resolute. "No."

The kwamis and the woman did a double-take.

"HAHAHA! Funny, Gabe, I get it!" Duusu guffawed and slapped the man on the back. "'Ooh, look at me, I'm Gabriel Agreste. I've changed as a person and I'm giving up my evil ways.' HAHAHA! Classic."

"I'm not joking," Gabriel said.

Duusu stopped laughing.

"Nathalie, when Adrien returns bring him down here."

The order nearly made Nathalie wheel over the railing. "Down here?" she typed, underlining here.

"He deserves the truth and the chance to say goodbye."

Too stunned to disobey, Nathalie wheeled herself back onto the elevator and rode it up. As she ascended, she watched Gabriel stand vigilant over his wife.

"I guess this is really happening," Duusu said solemnly on her shoulder. "Normally I'd be saying, 'This is your chance, Nat,' but after that 'never loving again' spiel I don't think you have a chance in hell."

Nathalie's eye twitched. Duusu smiled knowingly.

"Oh well, so much for my ship. Maybe that mummy guy is still single. Let's give him a call."

Nathalie's hand gripped the wheelchair tightly.

"Unless you have a better idea."

("Knock knock.")


Meanwhile, by the Eiffel Tower:

The members of the Adrinette Task Force were placing their bets.

"Fifty bucks says she chickens out." Mylene dropped the cash along with her sick shades into the pot.

"I bet my houseboat," Juleka sighed.

"I see your houseboat and raise you admin access to five of my blogs," Alya bet.

"Princess Twinkle-Peach says today Marinette will finally confess her love to Adrien!" Rose giggled and plopped a stuffed unicorn on the pile. It went squeak. "What about you, Alix?"

Alix skated by, uninterested. "Girls, I'm a time-traveler, I already know what happens." She BLAMmed herself a whiteboard and drew a diagram. "Marinette makes it as far as the coffee shop around the corner from the Agreste mansion, freaks out, runs away, gets hit by a bus, spends the next three weeks in the hospital where she'll eventually wake up convinced that she's some Korean guy named Mario."

"Wanna bet on that?" Marinette sullenly joked as she joined the group, a hand-wrapped present clutched in her arms.

Alix dropped her marker and turned pale at the sight of Marinette. "Why are you—You're not supposed to—"

"What happened, girl?" Alya asked, already streaming to her Bad Excuses blog.

"I was gonna give Adrien the gift, I really was," Marinette insisted. "But then a sinkhole opened up between me and his place and this bus that was about to hit me just fell in and exploded! And as I saw the carnage, I thought, 'Who actually celebrates their Fifth Name's Day? Ha! This is stupid. I should just wait for Adrien Filthy Stinking Rich Bob Athanase Agreste's Third Name Day half a year from now,' and ran away as fast as I could."

"The bus? It just crashed… Oh no… What have you done? Nononono!" Alix frantically pulled out her watch and disappeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

"What's with Alix?" Marinette asked.

"HER?! WHAT'S WITH YOU?!" Rose screamed and tackled Marinette to the ground. Before the bluenette could respond, the petite girl's pocketknife was stabbed into the cobblestone next to her ear. Foaming at the mouth like an animal, Rose roared, "I BET EVERYTHING ON YOU! I LOST MY PRECOCIOUS PRINCESS TWINKLE-PEACH!"

"Precious," Juleka corrected.

"I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR TRUE LOVE TO WIN FOR MONTHS, YOU PUSSY! EITHER YOU GET OFF YOUR WRINKLY ASS AND TELL ADRIEN YOUR FEELINGS OR I'LL CARVE THEM INTO YOUR FACE!"

There was a pause.

"You know what, I'm gonna tell Adrien my feelings," Marinette wheezed.

"Yay!" Rose leaped to her feet and hopped up and down. "She's going to do it, girls!"

The entire Adrinette Task Force trembled behind a park bench except for Juleka who patted Rose's head and sighed, "That's great."

Marinette crawled away.


Later:

The cut on her earlobe finally stopped bleeding as Marinette rounded the flaming bus. "I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this," she repeated to herself over and over.

"See? It's like I always said," Tikki bragged from the purse. "Death is the greatest motivator."

Confidence and determination began to grow in Marinette as she saw the mansion. "I have to do this. I can do this. I WILL DO THIS!"

Later:

"He's not home," a child-like voice said.

"FUUUUCK!" Marinette screeched at the newly installed eyebot. "Where is he?"

"At a Fencing Tournament. He was supposed to return an hour ago, but he's running late. Pfft, his legs must be tired! Heeheehee, get it? Running late? Tired? HAHAHA!"

"Duusu, get away from my computer," Nathalie's voice chided. "Hello, who's there?"

But Marinette was long gone. The girl, motivated by her love for Adrien and her fear of Rose, reached the point along the mansion's massive walls she knew was closest to Adrien's room. "This is it, Tikki. With the power of Ladybug, I'll swing in there and—"

BOING! SMASH!

Marinette flinched at the shattered toilet next to her. She looked up to see where it had come from and saw only a row of trampolines directly above her, halfway melded into the mansion's wall. They had not been there a second ago.

"What… the… fuck…?" Tikki asked, dumbfounded.

"Not important! Adrien!" Marinette transformed into Ladybug and swung over the wall, past the multiple moats, through the laser maze, over the cyborg crocodiles, and around the radioactive mimes to Adrien's window. Once inside, all worries about those odd trampolines were forgotten as she was assaulted by the stench of her Adrien.

"Oh no," she whispered. Her pupils dilated. "I just realized I'm alone in Adrien's room."

A shiver ran down her spine and Lady Noire whispered into her ear, That's right. You have it all to yourself. A dopey smile spread across her face.

"Mmm," she purred. "I'm alone in Adrien's room." Drool dribbled down her chin as she rubbed her nose against every treasure. "Adrien's toothbrush," she sighed dreamily, dragging the bristles across her tongue. "Adrien's chewed gum." She gave the dried out wad a lick. "Adrien's belly button lint." She bowed in its presence. "Adrien's—"

Ladybug froze on the spot when she saw the life-sized portrait of Chat Noir kissing Ladybug. She flipped the portrait around and resumed fawning.

"Adrien's buttprint." She took a photo. "Adrien's porn stash." She was pleased to see an overwhelming oriental fetish in the pile. "Adrien's hamper!" Ladybug gasped at the unguarded wicker basket. From the palpable cheesy miasma of Adrien wafting from within, she knew she had discovered the Holy Grail. Was she worthy? Did she dare? Damn right she dared! Ladybug pounced and was rewarded with a goldmine!

"JACKPOT!" she drooled.

Losing what little self-control she pretended she had, Ladybug fell onto Adrien's bed and emptied the hamper on herself, giggling like a maniac. "Yes! Mine! All mine!" She rolled around and pressed her nose into his pillow. The giggling soon turned into moaning.

Downstairs:

Adrien walked in wearing a gold medal. "Good news, Nathalie! I won!"

"That's great, Adrien," Nathalie typed, nervously glancing at the door through which waited Gabriel and… Emilie.

"Sorry that I'm late. Kagami chopped off her opponent's arm again and it kinda dragged everything out. Is Father available? I wanna show him my medal!"

The moment of truth had come. Nathalie took a deep breath and typed. "He's… busy, Adrien. You can show him later."

"Okay." Adrien happily skipped up the marble escalator, not seeing Nathalie's guilt-ridden face.

Duusu landed on Nathalie's shoulder with a mischievous smirk. "Oh my, Nat, what are you up to?"

Upstairs:

"Check out my medal, Mr. Fuu!" Adrien excitedly showed his tutor the prize but the old man speed-walked past him, all color drained from his face. "Oh, okay. Hey, Ladydoll, look!" Ladydoll also sped past him, lampshade still on their head. Adrien wondered why everyone was so busy today. Suddenly he heard a girl's voice cry out.

"Ah-ah-ah-AAAADRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!"

The boy's blood ran cold. He knew that voice. "Ladybug!" He bolted down the hall until he reached his room.

"Ahhhhhhn!" The throaty cry came from his door.

"Oh no, Ladybug is in trouble!" Adrien grabbed the knob, but it was locked. "Plagg, open the door!"

Plagg was about to do just that when he took a second listen to those hoarse cries and moans. They sounded less damsel in distress and more damsel in… ecstasy. He poked his head through the door. He immediately pulled back with super-wide eyes. "Whoa, Adrien, don't go in there," he said.

"Oooooooooooooooh, yes!" Ladybug moaned.

"Don't go in? Can't you hear her, Plagg? She needs help!"

"Nah, man, she's got this. Just let her finish, you don't wanna get caught in the splash zone."

"AaaaAAH! Adrien! Adrien! Adrien!"

"I don't care about the dangers, Plagg!" Adrien claimed and rammed his shoulder into the door. "She's calling my name! I need to help her!"

"Alright, I warned ya." Plagg floated as far back as he could and put on a raincoat.

Adrien threw his entire body against the door. "I'm coming, Ladybug!"

"So is she," Plagg smirked.

Ladybug's voice became more high-pitched and ragged. "Adrien! Adrien! Adrien Filthy Stinking Rich Bob Athanase AgREEEEEEEESTE!"

"LADYBUUUUUUG!" Adrien got a running start and dove at the door. The whole thing tore off its hinges and slammed to the floor. "Ladybug, are you hurt?!"

He had expected awful things. He'd expected Ladybug in the clutches of a vile Akuma, being tortured endlessly. What he found was Ladybug hanging over the side of his bed, red in the face, her hair down and tangled, tongue lolling out of her mouth, her body covered in his dirty clothes.

She looked very satisfied.

"Uh… Ladybug?"

"Adrien!" Ladybug saw him and jumped out of bed. Immediately her legs gave out and she collapsed. Using a chair for support, she lifted herself back up. "I was just here to… uh, um, uh—"

"It sounded like you were fighting an Akuma."

"Sure, yeah, let's go with that! Haha!"

"Is that why my bedsheets are wet?"

"Yes! The-the Akuma, dah, um, Laundro...Matador… was stealing your socks and infected your sheets with evil!" Ladybug ripped the shameful incriminating evidence off the mattress and bundled the soaking cloth behind her back. "I'll have to burn it all just to be safe." Her weak jelly legs crumbled under the added weight and she had to drag herself to a window. "By the way, delivery." She tossed him a present and swung out of there.

"Wow. Facing an Akuma all on her own after a Fencing Tournament? Kagami, you're amazing," Adrien said, sniffling back tears of pride. He then opened the gift and found a beautiful beret decorated with hearts. "'Happy Fifth Name's Day to you. Love, Marinette,'" Adrien read. "D'awww, how sweet of Marinette to remember and for Kagami to deliver her gift for her. They've really become good friends, huh, Plagg?"

Plagg said nothing.

"Plagg?"

Plagg was having a moment much like Gabriel downstairs, only instead of a soul-cleansing self-realization like the human, this kwami was experiencing his first mental breakdown. Plagg had gone an unknown number of millennia not stressing about anything. Akumas? No problem. Duusu is free again? What a rascal. World wars? Sounds like fun.

But this kid...

For months this kid has been missing every opportunity, every chance life threw at him.

This kid had walked in on a scenario porn directors dream about and… let the girl go.

It was too much. Plagg couldn't brush this aside anymore. He couldn't say whatever and move on. He couldn't go with the flow. He had the uncontrollable urge to stop the flow and force the fucking flow to go in the other fucking direction!

"Plagg?" Adrien waved his hand in front of the little guy. No response. "You okay?"

Finally, he moved. Without a sound, Plagg floated over to the flipped portrait and tossed it aside. Then he reached into the wall and ripped the safe out, collapsing half the room in the process. He brought the safe over to Adrien, cracked it open like an egg, and emptied the heart-shaped Valentine's Day letter and the love note from Marinette onto the bed.

"Look at it," the kwami instructed.

"At what?" Adrien pleasantly asked, craning his head up at the ceiling.

Plagg aimed his arm nub at that ceiling and Cataclysmed it to dust. The ensuing blast of pure Destruction raced into the cosmos where it obliterated a black hole.

"Look at it."

"At w-what?" Adrien asked again, not exactly sure why he found the cracked wall so fascinating.

Another wave of pure Destruction and the rest of his room was gone until there was nothing but a small section of the floor that barely held them in the air.

"Look at it." Plagg held up the three letters.

It wasn't the obliteration of his room that scared Adrien. It was the paper. Paper had never been a frightening thing for Adrien, but at that moment, for a reason he could not understand, the pages terrified him more than anything. Shaking like a leaf, he looked.

L-O-V-E

They were the same handwriting. Three times.

"Whoa, Ladybug's handwriting is identical to Marinette's." Adrien's smile twitched. "Which is strange because Kagami is still learning to write Frenglish." Adrien's smile cracked. "And she's left-handed, which is also strange because the slant suggests the Ladybug is right-handed. But why would Ladybug imitate Marinette's handwriting? It must be some kind of friend-pact they have. After all, who else has identical heights, bodybuilds, oriental descents, and matching blue hairstyles?"

Plagg waited.

Adrien kept on smiling blankly. Nothing happened.

Plagg flew through Adrien's leg and came out with his phone. The kwami pulled up the multiple video messages his friends had sent when Felix visited. The boy had been slowly going through them, one friend at a time, carefully crafting an honest and good-hearted response before watching the next. Plagg skipped to the final message, the one from Marinette.

"Adrien, I… love you," she said with such passion. "I've loved you for so long and I'm here for you, no matter what you need. I love you, Adrien Agreste, and I always will."

It was quiet for a very long time. Adrien stared at Marinette. Then at the letters. Then at the three identical L-O-V-Es. Then at Marinette. Then at the window Ladybug had left through. Then at Marinette. Then at the scattered and partially Cataclysmed action figures, body pillows, and posters of Ladybug. Then at Marinette. L-O-V-E. Marinette. L-O-V-E. Ladybug. L-O-V-E. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. Ladybug. Marinette. L-O-V-E.

"Oh," Adrien said.

His face went slack, sights locked on L-O-V-E.

"Oh."

There was an audible crack from his skull.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Adrien cleared his throat and shuffled his feet. "I've been very stupid, haven't I?"

"YES!" Plagg grabbed Adrien and lifted the boy into the air, tears in his eyes. "HALLELUJAH! IT'S A MIRACLE!"


Meanwhile, on a roof somewhere:

"He doesn't know," Ladybug whimpered as she watched the proof of her most embarrassing moment burn. "Of course he doesn't know. Nobody knows. No one will ever know."

BLAM! The Pink Devil stepped out of the mushroom cloud. "I know what you did."

"GAAAH! I'm sorry! The hormones made me do it!"

"Hormones? What?" The Pink Devil saw the burning sheets. "Ugh! This is too early!"

MALB!

Timetagger leaped out of a green vortex and tried to grapple the Pink Devil. She dodged him and kicked the Akuma off the roof. "No time, you'll have to do, Baby-Bug. Come on!" She grabbed Ladybug and they both vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion.

BLAM!

Blinding whiteness filled the world and Ladybug had to scrunch her face several times before she could see clearly. When she did, she found herself surrounded by neverending portals that reached forever in all directions. Through each of them, she spotted unbelievable moments throughout time! Dinosaurs! Flying cars! Frog people!

"Wait, what the fuck?" Ladybug jabbed a finger at that last one. "When in history were people frogs?"

"Never in our history, Baby-Bug," the Pink Devil explained impatiently, dragging Ladybug through the Endless. "There is no one true timeline. There are infinite ways time can play out and they all exist simultaneously and separately."

Ladybug's mind failed to keep up so hard that her nose started to bleed. "W-Wha...?"

The Pink Devil groaned and wiped away the blood. She knelt down and spoke to Ladybug like she was talking to a toddler. "Dumb version: Time is like fanfiction. Every fic is actually happening in some other universe. We can access them all from here. This place is the AO3 or WP or FF of the multiverse. We only have to worry about our fanfic. Got it?"

More blood dribbled out. "Does that make me… the beta reader?"

"Whichever metaphor doesn't give you an aneurysm. You fucked up the future and now you need to unfuck it up."

An epiphany started to break through the confusion. Ladybug suddenly recalled all the time-traveling movies she'd watched with Chat Noir. "Hold on! Are we going back in time to fix the past and restore the future?" she asked excitedly.

"Tried that. You can't be trusted," the Pink Devil said with a straight face. She pressed a hand to one of the portals. It showed Marinette and Adrien kissing atop the Eiffel Tower. All around them Paris burned! Buildings collapsed! Nuclear mushroom clouds erupted and the portal cut to static!

"I don't see any problems with that future," Ladybug said hungrily.

"Exactly. Which is why we're fixing the future by fixing the future."

"How does that make any seAAAA!" Ladybug stumbled through the portal the Pink Devil shoved her through. She suddenly came face to face with A GIANT SNAKE! Ladybug screamed! "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Hiya!" the giant snake said happily back.

Ladybug blinked. "What?"

"I said, hiya. Hiss! Hiss!" The snake smiled, putting Ladybug oddly at ease. This great serpent was more massive than any creature on Earth—its head alone was head bigger than Paris and its mouth was lined with trillions of razor-sharp fangs. Yet, the only word that came to Ladybug's mind was… neighborly. "I'm Apophis, Ancient Egyptian Serpent of Darkness and Chaos, She who is prophesied to end all life, but you can call me Apep for short. Hiss! Hiss! It's so swell to have company." Apep called off into the distance, "Hey, Ra, break open the wine, we have guests!"

There was no response.

"Oops, forgot I killed the guy. Oh well. I'm so glad you're here! I thought I'd have to gobble up the planet all by my lonesome."

"Eat what?!" Ladybug sputtered.

"We're not staying long, Apep," the Pink Devil said, dragging Ladybug along with her toward a railing. The heroine only then noticed they were on the roof of a skyscraper and the air was filled with the salty smell of the ocean. She peered over the edge and was stunned. The city was gone. Flooded. Water reached every horizon. It was like the sea had risen up and drowned the city. Everything was submerged and destroyed. The only things poking out of the surface were the tallest buildings and several islands of dead murder hornets, used face masks, and empty toilet paper cardboard tubes. Nothing could've survived.

"Holy fuck!" Ladybug screamed. "What happened?!"

"2020," the Pink Devil said grimly like it explained everything. "No one was spared. The entire planet and even a few passing aliens were wiped out in the blink of an eye. Dead."

"Everyone?!" Ladybug gasped in horror. Then she asked eagerly, "Even Lila?"

The Pink Devil blinked. "Yeah."

"Woo-hooooo! Fucking finally!" Ladybug proceeded to a victory breakdance. "Yeah, yeah! She's dead! Ooh! She's dead! Ooh! Rot in hell, Lila, you lying bitch!"

The bloodlust in the girl's sick moves made the Pink Devil take a step back. "Uh… Baby-Bug, this body count includes you and everyone you care about, including your family."

"Worth it."

The Pink Devil massaged her head. "For the love of—I've been working my ass off to fix 2020! I'm the only reason you're not being hunted by crazed vampire goats right now! You are the reason why Earth is now Waterworld!" The Pink Devil grabbed her shoulders. "Just do what you do, defeat the Akuma, de-evilize the butterfly, and we can put all of this behind us."

MALB!

Timetagger spawned from below and tackled the Pink Devil. As the two resumed their fight, the Pink Devil called out, "I have to take care of this asshole while tracking down the other you that I sent to fix the past. Good luck."

BLAM! They both vanished in a blue mini-nuclear explosion, leaving Ladybug alone with Apep.

"Ooh, are you on a quest to save the world? So exciting! I wanna watch! Good thing I brought some Thai to snack on. And by Thai I mean Thailand. Hiss! Hiss!" Apep dunked Her head into the watery depths and pulled out a chunk of continent. "Woo! Go, girl! Rip his arms off!"

"Uhhh… Rip whose arms off?" Ladybug asked.

"This li'l fella." The tip of Apep's massive tail reached from across the Atlantic and gently knocked over a cardboard box sitting in the corner. Hidden underneath, curled in a fetal position, was a familiar boy.

"Ch-Chat Noir?"

The cat-boy stiffened. His snow-white hair stood on end and he scrambled around in his shockingly white leather. A pair of icy blue eyes gawked back at her with trepidation. "How… You're alive? Ah! I'm sorry I killed you! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Ladybug scoffed and marched over to the boy. "I should've known. You went and got yourself akumatized and fucked everything up. Alright, let's fight this out and—"

"NO!" He jerked away from her and fled into the ruins on all-fours. "Stay away from me, Marinette!"

Ladybug watched him go, slack-jawed.

Apep whispered to her, "Psst, he prefers to go by Chat Blanc these days. Also, head's up, he's a li'l off his rocker. Hiss! Hiss!"

"He knows I'm Marinette," she whimpered back.

"Oh, I guess that's more important."

"How? How did he find out?"


Meanwhile in the Endless:

The Pink Devil grabbed Timetagger by the nose and threw him into the Third Crusade. Finally allowed to breathe, she flew deeper into the void. She spotted her target. The first Baby-Bug she'd sent into the past was dragging her hands all over a portal.

"Baby-Bug, get away from there!" She grabbed Ladybug's arms and ripped her back.

"GAAH! No, you made me open a sinkhole and destroy the bus!" She slapped her way out of the Pink Devil's grip and managed to move some trampolines over her past-self before a toilet that fell from the International Space Station crushed her. Timetagger reappeared and joined the fray. No one was free to pause the portal and it continued playing without anyone to watch.

Let's watch.

In the past:

Marinette rushed to the Adrinette Task Force, arms raised in triumph. "I did it!"

The girls cheered and hugged her. Then they immediately backed off in disgust. "Why do you smell like sweat and shame?" Alya asked.

"That's not impotent!" Rose chirped.

"Important," Juleka corrected.

"What matters is that Marinette finally told Adrien her feelings and love can finally win and I can get my Princess Twinkle-Peach back! Yippee!"

Marinette awkwardly cleared her throat. "Actually, when I said I did it, I meant I delivered the gift. Not that I told him—GAAAAH!"

She was on the ground again, Rose holding her down, knife in hand. "You were warned."

"Marinette!"

All the girls snapped toward the call and saw… Adrien. He was panting, exhausted. He looked like he had ran the entire way. On his head sat the beret Marinette had gifted him.

"I have something to tell you," he said.

The Adrinette Task Force lifted her back to her feet and tossed the girl at him. She flailed, tripped, got up, tripped again, and finally stopped before her Adrien.

"Marinette, I've realized that you're not just a friend to me."

"I'm not your friend?!" Marinette wailed. "GAAAH! You hate me! I knew it! I'm scum! Lower than dirt!" She turned, ready to dash off and bury herself alive. Before she could, the boy took her hands and her heart fluttered. She didn't dare move.

"I've always felt you were more than that."

"M-More?" Marinette stuttered. "Like… best friends?"

"I love you."

"Or more like a friend you hang out with on the weekend?"

"I love you."

"Or the friend you can always rely on to drive you to the airport?"

"I love you."

"Drinking buddies, per—" Her mind at this point caught up with reality. Marinette froze mid-word. All breathing, blinking, or thought processes ceased. Trails of blood flowed out of her ears. "Ahem, I'm sorry, I could've sworn you said—"

"Marinette Dupain-Cheng, I love you."

There was no mistaking it. The words she'd dreamt about, fantasized about, practiced on countless photos had just been spoken. To her. From Adrien.

"I—You—I—You—I—I—I—" Her voice cracked like glass.

"Say it!" the Adrinette Task Force shouted.

"I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—"

"Say it!" some homeless bum across the street screamed.

"I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—I—"

"Marinette." Rose casually pressed the blade to her spine. "Say it."

"I love you too," she whispered.

And that's all it took. The star-crossed lovers pulled each other close and their lips locked. Fireworks exploded in their minds, a song came to life, and a warm tingling they never knew rattled through their every limb. To Marinette, the moment was beyond perfect. She felt so whole, so complete, so liberated, so free, so unpossessed, so exorcised.

("NO!") cried the red-and-blue-eyed phantasm that was forced out of Marinette's body. Some unseen force was dragging it away, ripping apart its hold over the girl. The teens didn't notice, enraptured in their own world. The Beast took one last fruitless swipe with its claws and bared its fangs before it melted into ectoplasm.

The Adrinette Task Force stared.

"What the fuck was that?" Alya demanded. "Was that a ghost? Have we been harassing a possessed girl this whole time?"

"Hooray! Love concords all!"

"Conquers."


In the Endless:

"Get off me!" Baby-Bug demanded as the Pink Devil held her in a headlock while kicking Timetagger back. The Akuma flew across the void and smacked against the portal, accidentally hitting the mystical scene skip button. As the battle raged on, history went unnoticed.


In the past:

SKIP!

Outside their school, Marinette dove into the arms of her now-official boyfriend. Much of the student body watched on with approval. Even Chloe begrudgingly sighed in defeat and came to the couple.

"Dupain-Cheng, as utterly ridiculous as this is, you clearly make Adri-kins happy. I wish the two of you many love-filled years—"

"FUCK OFF, CHLOE!" Marinette screamed. She shoved Chloe into some wet cement and glared daggers at the rest of the school. "NONE OF YOU BITCHES EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING NEAR MY ADRIEN! THIS?" She grabbed his dick. "THIS IS MINE!"

Everyone gawped, suddenly unsure of what Adrien had gotten himself into.

Adrien, oddly, didn't look worried at all. "Best day ever!"

SKIP!

Romantic music played against the setting sun. Adrien and Marinette were one of the couples dancing on the SS Liberty, held closely in each other's arms. Luka came to them.

"Excuse me, Miss. May I have this next da—"

Marinette punched him overboard. "Back off, man-stealer!"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure he wanted to dance with you," Adrien said.

"Don't play dumb!" Marinette jabbed a j'accusing finger against his chest. "I saw the way you were ogling him!"

He smiled. "You're right, I'm sorry, M'Lady."

SKIP!

"It's official! Teenage heartthrob and secret desire of every woman in Paris Adrien Agreste has a girlfriend," Nadia Chamak said to the news camera. Over her shoulder was a live feed of Adrien and Marinette waving to reporters at a red carpet premiere. "Sorry, girls and lonely cougars, you'll just have to settle."

"Why are you waving at her?!" Marinette suddenly screeched at Adrien. "You flirting with her? I don't want you to go near her ever again!"

Adrien smiled. "Whatever you say, M'Lady."

The 90-year-old photographer whom Marinette didn't like was escorted from the premises.

"Wow," Nadia remarked. "I constantly cheat on my husband and even I think that wasn't healthy."

SKIP!

"So, maybe, we hold off on pulling Emilie's plug and the whole 'giving up on love' thing until after Adrien and his new girlfriend get over their honeymoon phase," Nathalie typed.

Gabriel leaned back in his chair and thought out loud. "Hmm, yes, I suppose I wouldn't want to ruin what they have with my problems. How long do you think we should wait?"

"Not long. Like, two or three..."

"Weeks?"

"Years."

SKIP!

"It's not that I'm gay, I'm just a little bi-curious," Marinette told Adrien. Her arm rested on Kagami's shoulder and all three of them were naked in the same bed. "I want us to be able to explore and share our sexuality in a trusting environment."

"I am game, Ex-Boyfriend Adrien," Kagami said.

"Wow," Adrien replied. "I never actually thought I'd ever be in a threeway, but okay, if this is what you want, Marinette."

"It is." Marinette suddenly grabbed Adrien's throat and hissed into his face. "But you can only look at me. If you even so much as glance at Kagami, I will pluck out your sexy emerald eyes and keep them for myself."

He smiled. "Whatever you say, M'Lady."


In the future:

"Chat Noir, where are you?" Ladybug called as she searched the twisted remains of the Eiffel Tower, ignoring how excitedly Apep watched them over a football stadium filled with buses. The giant snake munched on the vehicles like they were popcorn.

From somewhere in the metal forest she heard Chat Blanc's frightened cry. "Just leave me alone, Marinette! This isn't how you're supposed to treat your boyfriend!"

"B-B-Boyfriend!?" Ladybug nearly stumbled into a mountain of soggy rubber gloves. "We… dated? Really?" She tried to hide her burning face. "...Was it nice?" she asked shyly.

"NO! You were so clingy!"

"Clingy?" Ladybug gagged at the word. "Who are you calling clingy?"

"You texted me every ten minutes! Never let me eat anything unless you cooked it! Chose what I wore! I wasn't allowed to talk to anybody unless you were there! You installed a camera over my bed so you could watch me sleep! You put a chip in my skull so you'd always know where I was!"

There was a pause.

"Yeah, well, you always grab my ass," Ladybug weakly argued.

"THEY'RE NOT THE SAME!"


In the Endless:

"Guys, we need to stop!" the Pink Devil cried.

"Why? Tired of losing?" Timetagger mocked, still throwing punches.

"I want my Adrien!" Baby-Bug roared, still throwing kicks.

"No, because our timeline is falling apart and if there's no future, we don't exist. And if we don't exist—" Time caught up to them and all three time-travelers stopped existing for a second. Their punching arms and kicking legs phased through each other and then they came back to existence. The Pink Devil now had Timetagger's arm in her head and Baby-Bug's leg in her stomach.

They all screamed.


In the past:

Marinette cheerfully smiled at the dot on her phone that let her know her Adrien's exact GPS coordinates at all times. He was safely in his bedroom as she'd ordered. Good. She looked up and asked, "I'm sorry, what was that, Mr. Agreste?"

The gazillionaire's face on the tablet gulped in fear. Nathalie, decked out in riot gear and her wheelchair reinforced with bulletproof tires, readied to wheel the hell out of there. "I said, Miss Dupain-Cheng, that you might be taking things too fast," he repeated.

"Taking what too fast?" Marinette asked innocently, texting a friendly reminder to her Adrien that he had sixty seconds to send her his current blood pressure.

"Dating my son."

Marinette stopped texting.

"You're young, I get it. Dating is a whole new world to you and you want to experience it all but Adrien still has a life outside of your relationship. All I'm saying is give my son some space and maybe not track his hair growth."

Marinette didn't move. "Oh. Okay. I understand." There was no sign of the distress or anger that the adults had expected.

"You do?"

"Sure I do." Marinette raised the mop she'd been using to clean the Dupain-Cheng Patissiere and snapped it in half over her leg. She pointed the new jagged sharp ends at them and said darkly, "You're trying to take my Adrien away from me."

"Nathalie, run."

Quick as lightning, Nathalie put her wheelchair in reverse and sped down the road. Broken mops rained around her like spears but her armor protected her life.

"Hurry, Nathalie, she's right behind you!" Gabriel said. "I'll ready the security!"

SKIP!

All of the Agreste Mansion's security was destroyed. The radioactive mimes lay in a silently moaning pile. The bodies of the cyborg crocodiles, bird-people, and Toothless floated in the moats. Marinette chucked the Predator into the laser maze where he was diced and sliced. She stood unscathed in the war-torn remains of the front yard.

At the door, Gabriel, Nathalie, and Ape-Man watched the desolation. Mr. Agreste whimpered, "I'm sorry, son."

"Sorry about what, Father?" Adrien asked as he joined them. He beamed at the sight of Marinette. "My Lady is here! D'awww, she came personally to get my weekly blood sample. How sweet!"

Gabriel grabbed Adrien before he went to her. "Adrien, wait! She won't listen to me but maybe she'll listen to you. You need to set boundaries, son."

"Boundaries?"

"Yes! Just because you like her doesn't mean she can control your life."

"Control my life? But, Father, this is what I love about Marinette. She's just like you."

Ape-Man and Nathalie cringed at that last remark. Gabriel's arms dropped in shock and his boy pranced into the yard. "Fuck, I've raised an abuse victim," Gabriel swore, wandering into the mansion. "What else can I do? I've tried everything."

"Well, not everything," Nooroo told Gabriel.

He eyed the kwami. "What do you mean?"

"Haven't you noticed how humans change for the better after we akumatize them? Rose and Juleka became friends, Jagged Stone left Anarka alone, Chloe… ehhhh…" Nooroo trailed off. "The point is being akumatized is a cathartic release where you humans face your darkest selves and grow as a person from the experience."

Gabriel gasped. "By Big Red X, you're right!" He dashed for the mini-elevator.

Meanwhile, Adrien finished traversing No Man's Land and reached Marinette. "Hot stuff!" she gushed and fastened his dog leash around his neck. "I was so worried! Your dad was spinning this crazy lie that you wanted to break up with me!"

"What?" Adrien gasped. "Never, M'Lady, never in a million years."

"Of course, I knew that couldn't be true. Haha! You'd never break up with me. Hahaha! We're perfect together. The most perfect couple who ever perfected perfect perfect. Perfect!" Marinette's voice became more unhinged and venomous. "Just the thought of you leaving me… I can't begin to imagine what that would be like. Not pretty, I'll tell you that. I'd be so angry! I might kill someone!"

"Haha! Good one, M'Lady."

"Not joking."

Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man on a mission. "I'll save you, Adrien!" He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.

The dark messenger didn't have to go far, fluttering down to Marinette who was already foaming at the mouth. Adrien saw the insect coming.

"No! Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transformed into Chat Noir and Cataclysmed the Akuma right before it reached Marinette's face!

Marinette stared.

Ape-Man and Nathalie stared.

Hawkmoth tapped his cane. "Hello? Akuma, you there?"

Chat Noir awkwardly cleared his throat and wiped the butterfly ashes from his palm. "Surprise...?"

Marinette suddenly grabbed her head in horror and wailed to the heavens, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll make it go away!" Chat Noir ripped off his ring and de-transformed back into Adrien. Marinette immediately stopped screaming.

"Hot stuff! There you are, you just missed Chat Noir."

"Uh…" Unsure, Adrien slipped the ring back on and re-transformed in front of her.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

De-transform.

"Oh, hi, hot stuff, you just missed Chat Noir again."

Re-transform.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

De-transform.

"Huh, I just realized you and Chat Noir have never been in the same room at the same time. Weird."

"Yeah," Adrien agreed warily. "Almost like we're the same person or something… hint, hint."

Marinette stared at him. Then she laughed. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, right! If you were Chat Noir, that'd mean you're a perverted, pun-spewing, sex criminal. I would dump your ass in a heartbeat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

It was harder this time, but Adrien managed to smile like he always did. "Right, whatever you say, M'Lady."

By the door, Nathalie and Ape-Man's jaws hung open. Gabriel joined them. "I think something's wrong with the butterflies. What did I miss?" he said.

"Adrien is… Chat Noir," Nathalie typed.

"Oh. Okay, well, I'll be in my office—WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

"I FUCKING CALLED IT!" Nooroo shouted.


In the future:

"Alright, so future-me came on a little strong," Ladybug admitted.

"You made me wear a blindfold in the presence of other girls!" Chat Blanc's voice echoed above her. She climbed up and found Chat Blanc scurrying along the mangled rebar.

"Well, you—" with a cartwheel, she snatched the staff from his back "—hug for too long." She snapped the staff in half. No butterfly fluttered out.

"You checked my phone every day! I had to give you a handwritten account of every minute you weren't with me!" Chat Blanc ran while firing dozens of blasts of pure white destruction at her. All of them impossibly missed, warping around her as she gave chase.

"You keep sniffing me like a creep!" Ladybug tackled the fleeing boy and ripped off his belt-tail. She snapped that in half as well. No Akuma.

"You… You…" Chat Blanc crawled backward, aiming a Cataclysm at her. His arm trembled in desperation. "You tried to make me a brunette!"

Ladybug gasped! "I what?! Fuck. Maybe I did go too far."

At the last second, Chat Blanc aimed lower and shot the metal under her feet. The structure disintegrated and Ladybug splashed into the water! Down into the dark depths of the dry hand-sanitizer bottles she plunged and what she found waiting for her was worse than anything she could've possibly imagined. The citizens of Paris were all turned to ash statues, petrified in a moment of great fear. Directly below her was a scorched crater, the epicenter of some massive explosion. And next to that crater were two figures. Using her yo-yo's rebreather function, she swam down for a closer look.

One statue was Hawkmoth, arms spread wide, shielding the crater from the other statue.

Her.

Another Ladybug, a truck hefted over her head ready to be brought down. Her face was twisted in a sinister mask of anger and madness.

"I know, right?" Apep said next to her, Her friendly voice somehow crystal clear underwater. "Who left all these cool ashmen here? I wish I was this good at making ashmen, but, you know, no thumbs. Hiss! Hiss!" The giant snake rolled around in a pile of ashes, laughing like a child playing in snow.

While Apep frolicked, Ladybug looked at her statue, at the pure hatred in her eyes. She followed them and saw she hadn't been glaring at Hawkmoth, but at the crater. There was only one person who could've been standing there.

With deep sadness, she looked up at the surface where Chat Blanc hid. A single thought came to her.

Am I the bad guy?


In the past:

Hawkmoth flipped the breaker and the newly installed neon sign powered on. HAWKMOTH IS HERE! flashed over the mansion brighter than the sun. Hawkmoth took a deep, shaky breath and positioned himself under the massive blinking arrow. This was it. This was the only way to help his son. He faced the mansion doors and waited.

His ears perked.

There was a faint whistling sound in the distance.

It was getting stronger.

Hawkmoth's eyes widened and he looked up. "Oh… son of a b—"

SMASH!

The polka-dotted torpedo that was Ladybug crashed through the ceiling, struck Hawkmoth, and kept going. Through the floor, the basement, the sub-basement, the silver mine; the heroine smashed the villain through every floor until they reached the cathedral.

"Ow… I think you broke… my ribs…" Hawkmoth wheezed from under her knees.

"Oops, sorry, I was aiming for your neck," Ladybug growled.

Chat Noir landed behind her, his blonde locks showing the first streaks of brown hair dye. "Nice surprise attack, LB. Now, it's time to finally put an end to this."

"WAIT!" Hawkmoth managed to get on his feet and shuffled over to some kind of tube. "I have something to say first."

Ladybug rolled her eyes. "Is it an evil speech about how we're not so different and all that crap?"

"No, it's about love and Adrien's relationship with Marinette." Hawkmoth pulled a lever and the tube opened, revealing a glass coffin. Inside that coffin was…

"Emilie Agreste?" Ladybug said.

"Mother?" Chat Noir whispered.

"Yes, this is why I did what I did," Hawkmoth proclaimed. "It was for her, for my love of her. All the anguish, all the suffering, it was to bring her back. For you see, children, this is what love is truly—"

"Hold on!" Ladybug shouted. "You're telling me this whole time Hawkmoth and Emilie Agreste were having an affair?!"

"What? No! I'm Gab—"

"Oh my Big Red X, Mr. Agreste is going to be devastated!" Chat Noir cried.

Hawkmoth massaged his head. "Ugh, no, he's not! I'm Gabr—"

"He's not? Mr. Agreste knew? Ohhhhhhhhhh, it was a cuck thing," Ladybug said.

"A cuck thing, yeah, I can see that," Chat Noir nodded.

"IT WASN'T A CUCK THING!" Hawkmoth screamed and struck a malevolent pose of evil. "I AM GABRIEL AGRESTE!"

His bold reveal echoed around them. Ladybug and Chat Noir gasped!

Hawkmoth held his pose for the sake of dignity and so he wouldn't have to see his son's distraught face. He knew this day had to come but he still didn't feel ready to— Chat Noir's arms were around him!

"AHH! NO! DON'T CATACLYSM ME!"

But he wasn't disintegrating into dust. He was being hugged tightly by his son. Chat Noir's face wasn't distraught and dripping with anguish, but joyful and dripping with loving tears. "Oh, Father, I should've known you were behind this."

"Uh… you're not mad about the whole turning your classmates into monsters, terrorizing the city, dabbling in the dark arts?"

"Honestly, it's not the worst thing you've done."

Bewildered, he turned to Ladybug, who didn't look miffed in the least. "So, we're cool?"

"I mean, you wanted our Miraculous to resurrect the woman you love, right?" she asked.

The question hung in the air for a bit. It surprised Hawkmoth how nonchalant it sounded coming from her. Almost as if Ladybug didn't think it was a big deal. "Uh… yes…?"

She shrugged. "Fine."

Hawkmoth blinked. "R-Really?"

She shrugged again.

"Huh. I can't believe I never tried this. Well, great! Let's do it. If you'll both lend me your Miraculous, I'll make my wish and never akumatize anyone ever again."

Chat Noir reached for his ring, happy his magic would be used to reunite long lost loves. Suddenly, a polka-dotted hand stopped him.

"Just a minute..." Ladybug squinted at Hawkmoth. "What did you mean by… wish?"

"Uh, the one wish anyone can get if they wear both the Earrings of the Ladybug and the Ring of the Black Cat at the same time," Hawkmoth said like it was obvious.

Ladybug said nothing.

"Didn't you know that?"

Ladybug said nothing.

"Nobody told you?! Wow! This whole time I thought you didn't just wish me captured or dead out of heroic honor or something, but you didn't know? Hahaha! That's hilarious!"

"Chat, give me your ring," Ladybug said with disturbing amounts of calm.

He smiled. "Okay, M'Lady." And pulled off his—

"No!" Hawkmoth stopped him. "This was what I was trying to get at before, Adrien!"

"Adrien? NOOOOOOOOO!" Ladybug wailed, then snapped back to disturbing calm. "I said give me the ring, Chat."

"Okay, M'Lady—"

"This isn't healthy!" Gabriel stopped his son again. "If you do everything Ladybug tells you, how can you hope to stand up to Marinette? Real relationships are built on trust and mutual respect! You don't have to say yes to everything she tells you."

"I want that wish. I need that wish. I'm going to wish none of this fucking Miraculous hell ever happened. Give it to me." The calm in Ladybug's voice was chilling.

"But I want to give it to her," Chat Noir said.

"Do you?!" Hawkmoth hissed. "Do you want her controlling your every move? Making your every decision?"

"It's what you do."

"I WAS WRONG!" Hawkmoth shouted. "I controlled you and I controlled your mother and it was wrong! Please, don't make the same mistake. Don't end up like your mother." Such words were never spoken by Gabriel before, least of all to his son. Such an admittance from such a prideful man took great courage and desperation. Mr. Agreste hoped it would be enough to snap his son out of—

"Give me the ring, Chat."

"Okay, M'Lady."

"For fuck's sake!" Hawkmoth ripped a butterfly out of his cane, filled it with darkness, and slammed it on Chat Noir's bell. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on the boy's face and he suddenly understood.

"Oh." He peered at Ladybug as if seeing her for the first time. "Merde. You're a terrible girlfriend."

"I SAID GIMME!" The calm broke and the storm was unleashed! Ladybug punched Chat Noir through the ceiling!

Later, at the Eiffel Tower:

Chat Noir crash-landed under the monument, epiphany after epiphany hitting him like trains. "Girlfriends don't change all of your online passwords to their name! That's just bad security! Why the hell did I let Marinette talk me into moving into her closet? And those awful boxer shorts! I'm a tighty-whities man!"

Hawkmoth arrived at his side first. "Good, Adrien, good. Use that energy to tell Marinette how you really feel."

"I will, Father!" Chat Noir stood tall and faced Ladybug as she arrived. "Marinette, we need to talk."

"Wait, why are you calling Ladybug Mar—Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Puffing out his chest, Chat Noir marched to the girl. "You and I need to set some bounda—" A tiny metal screw bounced off the top of his head. He looked up and only then noticed the truck Ladybug held over them. "B—B—B—B—B—B—B—B—B—"

"Give me the ring," she said.

This drained what little courage the Akuma had given Chat Noir and he was swallowed by bubbling darkness. Chat Blanc fell backward and crawled away, aiming a white Cataclysm at the girl. "S-Stay back! Don't come any closer!"

He fired!

And the shot impossibly warped around Ladybug.

Meanwhile:

"Holy moly! A gym that's entirely made of bouncy castles?" Duusu's delighted shout echoed around it in the huge room. "This mansion has everything! Wow! I bet this room could bounce anything." The white Cataclysm ripped through the bouncy castle and bounced off the kwami. The magic sailed back where it came from. "I stand corrected."

Back at the Eiffel Tower:

The Cataclysm warped around Ladybug again and struck Chat Noir! A pillar of blinding light erupted and shot into the sky, splitting the moon in twain! A wall of Destruction expanded from the boy, consuming Ladybug and Hawkmoth!

The wall of white death slowly grew across the city, disintegrating everything it touched.

People screamed and ran in panic, but none could escape. Cars crashed! Airplanes nosedived! Volcanoes erupted!

Ape-Man saw death coming and decided to brew himself a relaxing cup of tea.

"There goes the neighborhood," Duusu said, bouncing in the bouncy castle. "Well, it was fun while it lasted. One last zinger, folks. Knock knock. Who's there? Apoca. Apoca who? Apocalypse! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHHOO—"


In the future:

Atop the Eiffel Tower's remains, Chat Blanc shivered under a pile of newspapers. He jolted as Apep rose from the water. On Her scaly snout stood Ladybug.

"Listen up, li'l fellas," Apep said. "I've been wrestling a guy with a bird-face every night since the beginning of existence so I know a thing or two about rocky relationships and you both are as rocky as they come. The key is communication. Hiss! Hiss!"

Apep set Ladybug down near Chat Blanc but the girl didn't attack him. She sat on the metal's edge with a look of shame. Chat Blanc kept a wary eye on her but didn't run.

"Now, Mr. White-After-Labor-Day has been saying a lot of things about you, Miss Polka-Dots. Have you been listening?"

Ladybug hugged her knees to hide her face. "...No."

"Maybe you should." Apep gave Chat Blanc an encouraging nod.

Making sure his emergency escape route was still open, Chat Blanc cautiously said, "I always thought we were meant for each other, but now I wonder if that's even possible. I was so blinded by the fact that I was with you that I didn't see who you were. I couldn't. It didn't matter what you did to me."

"Good. Miss Polka-Dots, you have anything to say?"

Ladybug took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I was a bad girlfriend. I can't begin to imagine what I put you through, but I promise I'll do everything I can to not grow up into this kind of person."

"We are not in the far-flung future. I destroyed the world last Tuesday. You are this kind of person right now, Marinette," Chat Blanc informed.

Ladybug blinked. "Oh." She blinked again. "Fuck."

"However," Chat Blanc, to both of their surprise, got up and took Ladybug's hand, "I think we still have a chance. We can admit when we're wrong and change." With a firm tug, he plucked off the bell over his throat and gave it to her. "One day, I hope you'll become the amazing warrior princess I see, Marinette. Until then… I think we should see other people." With that, Chat Blanc left her.

"He… He…" Ladybug nearly fell over as her world metaphorically turned upside-down. "He… dumped me?"

In the distance, Chat Blanc's stoic solemn walk turned into a terrified frantic run.

"Never saw it coming, huh?" Apep asked.

"After all the ass-grabbing he's put me through, he dumped me. Is this feminism?"

Apep did the snake equivalent of a shoulder pat. "Nope, it's neurosis! We're all fucked up and that's okay. Hiss! Hiss!"

This struck Ladybug, leaving her speechless. She cracked the bell in her fist and de-evilized the black butterfly that fluttered out. "Um… Alix, I think I'm ready," she said weakly to the sky.

BLAM! A portal opened behind her.

"That's it? You're done?" Apep asked.

"With this maybe," Ladybug gestured at the white butterfly. "But I've still got a lot of work to do on myself. Thanks for your help, Apep. You know, for a mystical snake of destruction and chaos you sure know a lot about love."

"Love is destruction and chaos, silly. Besides, I figured I owed ya after chowing down on the remains of your family and friends. Hiss! Hiss!" Apep smiled, revealing thousands of ashen corpses in Her gums.

Ladybug went pale. "We'll call it even." She ran through the portal—

BLAM!

—and came out in the Endless. "Alix, I think I know how to fix the future—WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Ladybug puked at the sight of the 12-limbed, 3-headed, polka-dotted, blue-skinned, bunny-eared Kronenbourgian monstrosity that awaited her.

"Yeah, this is a lot more painful than it looks," half of the Pink Devil's head said. The other half had become somebody's belly button.

"Is that me in there?!" Ladybug gagged.

"Kill me…" gurgled the festering boil with blue hair.

"I shall defeat you!" said Timetagger's mouth, which was somebody's kneecap.

"Keep it together, everyone!" the Pink Devil ordered. "Baby-Bug, how do we fix the timeline?"

"Ugh..." Ladybug swallowed, barely keeping in the rest of her breakfast. "You said time is like fanfiction, right? Then we have to do what all fanfic writers do: change one drastic plot point and then just rewrite the entire series."

"Please don't turn our timeline into a coffee shop AU," the Pink Devil begged.

"D'awww, I love those," Timetagger cooed.

"No, I'm pretty sure this all started when I delivered Adrien's gift," Ladybug said. "He must've seen me and figured out I'm Ladybug. Which can mean only one thing."

"Adrien is Chat Noir?" Timetagger guessed.

Ladybug paused.

The Pink Devil jammed a foot—she didn't know whose—into her only ear and clenched for the deafening denial.

It didn't come.

Ladybug did not grab her head, wail NOOOOOOOO, and then go slack-jawed into sweet ignorant bliss.

Instead, she began to sweat and laugh nervously. "Hahahah! Or it means Adrien let the secret slip to somebody who let it slip to fifty other unrelated people and it eventually reached Chat Noir. Hahahah! Y'up, that makes perfect sense because there's no way Chat Noir and Adrien can be the same person. Nope, never, not possible, nuh uh, no sirree. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Laughing like a lunatic, the girl marched to a different portal. Before she went through, she ceased her laughter and added softly, "But, uh… if Adrien was Chat Noir… that wouldn't be so bad."

BLAM!

The Pink Devil unplugged her ear, stunned by what had just happened.

"I disagree with her," the blue-haired boil said.


A while ago, in Adrien's Room:

Losing what little self-control she pretended she had, Ladybug fell onto Adrien's bed and emptied the hamper on herself, giggling like a maniac. "Yes! Mine! All mine!" She rolled around and pressed her nose into his pillow. The giggling soon turned into m—

"Yeah, I definitely have problems," a familiar voice said.

She looked up and saw another Ladybug standing over her. The new girl flipped the mattress and took the beret gift. With a few swipes, she erased the Marinette signature.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" the original Ladybug shouted.

"Every teenage girl's darkest fantasy. I'm killing myself." The new Ladybug cast Miraculous Ladybug.

"Uh, not literally, ri—GAAAH!" The original Ladybug managed to say before the wave of magical ladybugs ate her alive like a school of piranhas. It was not painless.

In the Endless, the abomination was separated into three people again, and the past Ladybug was erased.

In the future:

Apep was having a grand old time munching on some Scotland— "Mmm, tastes like haggis!" —when the giant snake spotted a dirty blonde Chat Noir passing by. "LB? Bugaboo? If you can hear me, I've been de-evilized. Cast Miraculous Ladybug and you'll fix this future. We'll still know who Hawkmoth is and we can end the Akuma scourge today while still knowing each other's identities."

Apep slowed Her chewing. "Huh. He's right." She swallowed. "Whoops."

A wave of magical ladybugs flowed through the time portal and erased a perfectly good future where Emilie was alive, Hawkmoth was no more, Marinette and Adrien would've eventually gotten back together after they further grew as people, and everything would've easily worked out.

Oh well.

In the present:

Ladybug wiped her hands. "There. That was the smart thing to do."

There was a click and the bedroom door opened. "L-Ladybug!" Adrien immediately covered his crotch and began to sweat. "You're here. In my bedroom. Alone. Is-Is this the part where you seduce me?"

Lady Noire whispered in her ear, Get him. The purrs rumbled in her chest and the flirty order of, "Get on the bed, hot stuff," nearly escaped her lips. But what had happened today, what she'd learned about herself made her stop and consider.

Did she want to be that controlling girl who drove Chat Noir, the clingiest of clingy boys, away?

No.

No, she did not.

"Actually, I'm here to deliver a gift to you, Adrien," she said.

"'A-Adrien?'" the boy stuttered. That was the first time in a very long time that Ladybug had not called him hot stuff.

Ladybug gave him the beret and made something up on the spot. "Y'up, this is from your, uhhh, Fan Club in... Brazil. They asked me to deliver it in time for St. Athanase Day."

He took the gift with some confusion. "My Brazilian Fan Club? But they already sent me their Fifth Name's Day gifts." He gestured to a mountain of gift baskets covered in Brazilian flags.

Ladybug did not know how she'd missed that. "I guess they forget this one. Happy Fifth Name's Day, Adrien." And like that, she was gone. Adrien felt like he'd missed something very important.


Later, on a roof:

Ladybug returned to the Pink Devil who waited by a portal. "Good work, Baby-Bug, that's about a quarter of 2020 officially dealt with. If you'll excuse me, I have to prevent the apocalypse caused by Rose getting a splinter."

"Hold on, Alix." Ladybug fixed her with a hard stare. "You know my secret identity, right?"

"Y'up."

"And Chat Noir's?"

"Definitely."

"You know who Hawkmoth is, don't you?"

"Both of them. And telling you who they are, when they'll rise to power, and where to find them now would have absolutely no negative consequences on the timeline, but it will rob you of your most important victories. The moments you will hold most dear and the moments that will shape you will be gone. You'll have won, Baby-Bug, but it will be hollow and meaningless."

"You mistake me for someone who gives a fuck." Ladybug leaned in expectantly. "Tell me."

"Would it change your mind if I said there was a fraction of a chance that the info will create a time paradox and destroy all the other timelines as well as the concept of time travel?"

"Not even a little. Tell me."

The Pink Devil chuckled lightly. "Alright, Baby-Bug, it's your future. Hawkmoth's current true identity is Ga—"

BLMALMLABMBLMALMLABMBLMALMLABMBLMALMLABMBLMALMLABMBLMALMLABM!

Blinding light erupted from the portal as dozens of blue mini-nuclear explosions erupted at the same time. The force hurled Ladybug onto her back. When the ringing in her head stopped, she cracked an eye open and saw a smoking crater where the portal and the Pink Devil used to be.

"Alix?" she called. No response. "Alix!"

Later:

Marinette sprinted to the Adrinette Task Force. They were all still there. Everyone except… "Alix? Girls, where's Alix?"

"Alix?" Alya asked, looking lost.

"Did she BLAM back while I was gone?!"

"Blam? Huh? What are you talking about, Marinette? Who is Alix?"

Cold dread seeped into every inch of Marinette's body. She searched the rest of the girl's faces but they were just as perplexed as Alya. They had never heard of anyone by the name of Alix.

"No… Why is this happening? She didn't even tell me! What have I done?! GAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette ran away screaming, much to the shock of the ATF.

Then the ATF started laughing.

"Did you see her face?" Alya guffawed.

"Hilarious!" Mylene snickered.

"Good work, girls," said the Pink Devil as she and young Alix stepped out from behind a park bench. "That oughta teach Marinette not to ask for spoilers."

"Shouldn't we tell Marinette this was all a prank?" Rose asked.

"Nah, let the girl stew for a while. It'll be good for her." The Pink Devil pulled out her pocket watch and BLAMmed away.


That evening:

Chat Noir watched the sun touch the horizon, enraptured by its golden glow. Then he heard the soft thump of somebody landing on the rooftop behind him. "Hey, Bugaboo! So what was that sudden call fo—"

Ladybug slammed a pink wig on his head. "No questions!" she ordered.

Dutifully keeping his mouth shut, Chat Noir did not resist as Ladybug positioned him in the center of a chalk-drawn ankh, shoved a silver pocket watch into his hands, and then lit several black candles.

Ladybug then cracked open an ancient tome that looked like it had a deformed human face on the cover and read out loud, "I call upon the Ancient Ones to undo what cannot be undone."

Thunder rumbled. Chat Noir looked up at the clear sky and realized the thunder was just a passing airplane.

"I beseech thee!" Ladybug cried. "Give us back Alix!"

With great uncertainty, Chat Noir carefully said, "Alix? You mean our resident time-traveler Alix?"

Ladybug lowered the ceremonial heart-carving dagger. "You know who she is? It worked! Thank Big Red X! IT WORKED!" Quite unexpectedly, she then tackled Chat Noir in a tight hug. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I'll never ask questions about the future again!"

What she was talking about, Chat Noir did not know, but it was clear that Ladybug had had a stressful day. Gently, he held her and waited for her to calm down. He waited for her to say that was enough and slap him away. But she didn't. Ladybug calmed down but she didn't let go. She hugged him for longer than he'd ever been hugged before. And as she hugged him, he watched the sunset, happier than he'd ever been.

"Is that a boner?" she asked.

Chat Noir flinched and scrambled for a pun that involved wood.

She sighed, "Whatever, it's fine," and hugged even harder.

That hug was the best Fifth Name's Day gift he got.


Meanwhile:

"Nathalie, what are you doing back here?" Gabriel asked as she wheeled herself off the mini-elevator. "I told you to bring Adrien."

"I was, sir, but then I discovered something that I think you should see," she typed and stiffly wiggled her nose at the envelope on her lap.

Gabriel opened it and found a letter covered with dried drool. "This handwriting…" He gasped. "Emilie! Of course! Her penmanship always did look like a paraplegic who writes with the pencil clenched between their teeth."

Nathalie discreetly spat out a pencil eraser. She watched nervously as he scoured the message she had spent many painful hours scribing.

"Hmmm… 'It's okay to move on. Don't give up on love. Forgive Nathalie, the guilt is killing her more than Duusu.'"

Not the most romantic but she couldn't exactly write Romeo & Juliet with her nose pressed against the table. Nathalie held her breath and prayed to Big Red X.

Gabriel squinted at the letter. "Oh wait, hold on. I'm reading it upside-down." He flipped the page over. "There we go. 'Don't kill me. I want to live. Do whatever it takes to bring me back.' Ha! That makes much more sense. Thanks, Nathalie."

He gave the letter back to the stupefied woman who was surprised to see her sloppy tongue-writing looked just as he'd read upside-down.

Gabriel hugged the glass coffin. "Don't worry, Emilie, now that I know you want to come back, I won't stop until I succeed."

Duusu landed on Nathalie's shoulder with a smug grin. "And we're back to square one. Good job, Nat."

"FUCK!" she typed.

END

Oh. I forgot to mention that Miraculous Migraine ends next week with an epic +20,000 word 2-Parter.

Part 1: Friday

Part 2: Saturday (Just in time for Halloween!)

Heads up.