Love Quote #33 - "Right now, I can't remember yesterday, and I don't care about tomorrow. This moment is all that matters."

"This moment is all that matters"

The supermarket was filled to the brim with supplies—food, beverages, toiletries, and so much more. Andrea suggested they make a game of it to see who could get the most supplies in five minutes with their shopping carts. Then they would meet at the cash registers up front to compare their spoils. Naturally, Shane beat her to it. His cart was full to the brim with all sorts of supplies: cans of peanut butter and jelly, Ritz crackers, potato chips of all different flavors, puddings, beers, juices, granola bars, and canned beans. He placed them on the conveyor belt. Before the world ended, Shane would've whipped out this credit card to pay for everything. Now, he just sorted out the food to see what was freshest. He had also made sure to pick up other needed items. Just then, Andrea arrived with her shopping cart.

"You beat me to it, Shane!"

"You snooze you lose," he chuckled and watched as Andrea searched through the items in her cart.

Soft drinks, seltzer, canned meats, a can-opener, bottled waters, beef jerky, tomato paste, dried fruit and medical supplies—good stuff that they could live on for some time. Now all their spoils were together and they started sorting everything. Shane sat on the conveyor belt on one lane while Andrea sat on the one adjacent to him. He grabbed a beer and an apple. Andrea took a bag of potato chips and bottled seltzer.

"Good thing we got that van, huh?" Shane asked, recalling a blue van that he had hotwired a month ago. They had found it on a side road and abandoned the motorcycle they had stolen from The Sanctuary.

"Yeah, we got plenty of space for all our supplies," Andrea said, smiling. "We just have to get more gas. Last I looked, the tank was half-empty."

"It'll get done, darlin'. For now, we get to relax for a minute before hittin' the road again."

They ate in silence for some time. Andrea then pressed forward with a question that had been on her mind for the past few days.

"Do you ever think about yesterday? I mean, how far we've come since leaving the farm?"

"Sometimes, but then again…" Shane's voice trailed off as bit heartily on a red apple and chewed. "I can't remember yesterday—I can, but I ain't goin' backwards."

"I just wonder sometimes about how we ran off from Negan. We barely got away with our lives."

"Kinda like dealing with Guvnah?"

Andrea shook her head. "No, Negan was worse. He sent Gavin and those guys to kill us. The Governor didn't even send Merle and Martinez to track us down."

"Shocked, huh?"

"I just wonder if we should've helped out Jesus—or Rick, even. He made sure I saw a doctor when I was sick and Rick was our friend—" Andrea stopped when she noticed Shane's facial expression change to a somber one, his eyes downcast. "What's wrong?"

Shane put down the beer he was drinking. "I know you think I'm a selfish asshole for not doin' anythin' to help 'em against that baseball-bat wieldin' prick."

She shook her head. This wasn't the direction she was going in, but now that they were here…

"Right now, I can't remember yesterday, an' I don't care 'bout tomorrow. This moment is all that matters." He faced her directly now. "We woulda never had this moment or many other future moments if we had fought alongside Jesus."

Shane's voice sounded stilted and for a moment, Andrea wondered if he felt guilty about any of his past decisions, especially where it concerned Negan. She gently posed the question.

"Ain't nothin' to feel guilty 'bout. Reason I didn't help Rick's group you know already—I'll never be able to look him in the eye after standin' there watchin' as Negan killed Glenn. I did nothin' to stop it. An' Jesus…" Shane gave a shrug that at first glance came off nonchalant, but when Andrea thought about it more, it was more sad and regretful. "He was a good friend an' I'll always be grateful that he got you the medical help you needed, but I wasn't gonna put my neck or your neck on the line knowin' that Gregory wanted us gone. He woulda turned us over to the Saviors."

"You're right. Gregory never wanted us there."

She really believed what he was saying, but there was still a nagging feeling in the back of her mind. The weirdest thing was she didn't know what triggered these questions. Nothing recently had happened out of the ordinary. They were enjoying a quiet life in Maryland where it was only them and no one else—no groups, no random strangers. They hadn't found permanent shelter yet, but every day they kept looking. Andrea was quiet as she stared down at the bag of potato chips in her hands.

"Were you always like this?"

Shane was taken back. "Always like how?"

She bit her lip as she thought about how to ask him about himself. "Laser focused on those you love."

Even as she said the words, she chided herself inwardly. Of course, Shane honed in on those he cared about—his difficulty with letting go of Lori proved that. Although Andrea knew that to be the case, she didn't dare bring up Lori's name, especially since Shane had finally moved on from that troubled relationship.

Shane ran a hand over his hair in a familiar habit that revealed his anxiety. "Yeah I do that—I focus on those I care 'bout most. Does that make me selfish?"

Andrea noticed he had used the word "selfish" a second time. "Well…yes and no—I mean, yes because we could've helped them. No, because it shows you're loyal to those you love." She was back at square one again. Why was she asking him about their past? They had gotten away alive—wasn't that the most important thing?

"We coulda, but we didn't. An' I'm gonna tell you why." Shane put the apple to the side. "I dragged you to the Sanctuary—"

"No, you didn't, Shane, I told you—"

He held up his hand, indicating to let him speak his truth. "Lemme finish an' you'll understand. I get what you're sayin', Drea, but my main thing was to get you out of there an' get us to safety. By then, it wasn't jus' 'bout crossin' into Maryland. It's what I always told you: the right choice is the one that keeps us alive."

Andrea nodded as she listened. Somehow she knew it would come back to that.

"Look—Negan wanted us dead—or me with a bashed in skull. He woulda made you his wife in that harem an' I know that scared the hell outta you. Joinin' up with Rick again, I told you why I didn't. Jesus was reliable, but I never trusted that lame-ass fool Gregory. An' the truth is—we were in that mess 'cause I dragged you in."

Shane paused at that moment. The silence crept around Andrea. She didn't want to openly admit he was right: Shane had dragged her into that situation. She made her decision to follow him in joining the Saviors, but it wasn't like she was excited to do so and she never felt safe in The Sanctuary. Not once. As though knowing Andrea silently agreed with him, Shane continued.

"I felt awful knowin' how scared you was to be there, so the best thing I could do was to get us out of there—put as much miles as I could between us an' Negan. So much that he ain't gonna bother trackin' us down. Especially after we took care of three of his punks an' released Gavin to go back."

Andrea locked eyes with Shane and he stared back at her, his expression serious. It always amazed her how much depth there was to the emotions he felt. Realizing that Shane's reasons for focusing mainly on her and not anyone else, was because of his love for her—and not because he didn't care about others—hit her hard. He felt immense guilt for convincing her to join the Saviors with him to the extent that when they escaped the oppressive Sanctuary, her safety and well-being was primary over everyone else—including their past friends and allies.

"I want us to stay alive for as long as we can, Drea. That's all. No matter where we started or where we end up—yesterday is done an' tomorrow ain't here yet. This moment, what I have right here with you—that's all that matters. I'd escape from that hellhole again if it meant I had you by my side."

Without another word, Shane got off the conveyor belt and went to look for more supplies. Andrea thought to follow him, but decided to stay where she was and ponder over the conversation they just had. When she considered it more, she realized Shane was right and that she felt the same way—regardless of what lay ahead or behind them, this very moment was all they had—and she was grateful for it.