"If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually, is, all-around"-Hugh Grant
July 1997
Cordelia stood in front of her mirror completely vulnerable, dissecting every aspect of her body. The way her bones stick out as she straightened her posture. Her skin pale as snow, as if it had never been touched by the sun. The way the light of the bathroom reflects off her skin making every vein in her body visible. The scars on her thin wrists where her dark mark was engraved. She's fragile. Almost as if she sat down with too much pressure, every brittle bone in her body would fracture. There she stood, pointing out every tiny imperfection, tears beginning to well her eyes.
When she looked at herself in the mirror-like that she felt disgusted, she hated the way her body looked no matter what she did to change it. Losing weight, gaining weight, wearing baggier clothes or tight-fitting ones. Nothing seemed to please her, every month she would analyze every detail of her body. Hoping that one day she would love what she saw, but that had never been the case. There were always a million things she didn't like. At the end of the month, she would set new goals, to make her body look a certain way, going to extremes to make sure she met them. Whether that be fasting and counting all the calories she consumed to make sure she didn't pass her limit. Or not counting the calories in her foods and eating until she physically could not anymore. Whatever had to be done she would do. She had all the time in the world to do so considering she had spent months isolating herself from everyone. Therefore not having anyone or anything to attend to.
She only left her room when the Dark Lord was having a meeting. She was never assigned to do anything, Voldemort knew that she would do a shitty job at whatever it was and he could not have that happening right now. After attending the meetings, when Cordelia wasn't worrying about her body she would lay in bed, and read the same words until she could feel them engraved into her brain. "I no longer dream and I no longer sleep the way I once did, and yet these days are full of nothing but longing for you." The words made her heartache. They filled her with anger, she could feel the heat rise in her body. Those words she spent endless hours rereading cause her; anger, remorse, guilt, and grief. She hates that simple words have such a powerful impact on her. Although she knew there was nothing she could do to change the past. Knew that it wasn't her choice, it doesn't make the feelings go away, and most certainly doesn't make the memories fade. With every passing day, she swears the memory consumes more of her brain than anything else.
When it was much to handle she did the only thing she's positive she's good at. Running, she escaped her thoughts even if it was only for a couple of hours. The agony she felt was much too strong. Knowing that this was going to stop working, that this would no longer be an effective way to escape. Someday, Just like that, she drank the purple liquid without a second thought. The vial slipped out of her hand and rolled onto the floor. Dreamless Sleep
Hours later when she got up; she apparated to the Dark Lords meeting, then back to her room, reread the same words, ate minimal amounts of food, and right before she could drink the purple liquid. Something told her to look outside her window. Hesitating at first she put the vial down on the counter and walked across her room to the window. Slowly pulling apart the curtains that forbid any light to pass through. The moonlight hit her face, she looked out the window in awe, she forgot how beautiful the world around her was. A tiny smile crept on her face and the light of the moon sent shivers down her spine.
Without closing the curtains she turned back and walked into her closet. She grabbed a sweater with a heating charm placed into it, grabbed her wand and apparated outside.
As she landed on the ground she stood there looking around as flashbacks came flying at her. She couldn't remember the last time she went outside, especially to the garden. The garden was always so beautiful and peaceful. Growing up, she remembers planting roses the muggle way. She never minded getting her hands dirty, she believed one could appreciate things more if there was hard work being put into them. She also remembers singing some silly muggle tune to the plants. If anyone were to ask her why she would tell you how the plants bloomed faster and the colours would be more vibrant. She was quite peculiar growing up, that's what made her different.
Cordelia closed her eyes and took a deep breath feeling the August air fill her lungs. It made her feel amazing, the way the atmosphere outside was much too big to ever be tainted with dark magic, unlike the Manor. When she opened her eyes she made her way to a rosebush on her left. Smelling the roses filled her with joy, she missed planting roses every spring. Gardening always had a way of making the world around her disappear. It made the dark magic that always surrounded her fade.
She made her way around the garden singing loud enough for all the plants in the garden to hear. Serenading them with her angelic voice that could make anyone with two working ears fall in love. She never realized how much she took for granted until now. This entire year, while she was drowning in her self-pity and feeling like everything she loved, was ripped away she never thought to stop and look around.
As she continued to sing her thoughts went blank. It did not matter what a dark future was ahead of her. Nor what dark past she lived through. None of that was relevant right now. No, her only concern was making sure every single flower in that garden heard her sing.
When she finished walking around the garden hours had passed and the sun began to rise. She looked out at the sky, it was like looking out at a canvas. All the pinks and oranges merging perfectly, while the clouds moved in shapes, telling a story only someone with a big imagination could interpret. There she sat in the middle of the garden next to the cement water fountain that had an enchanted cement snake slithering around the 3 tiers. She looked at all the clouds and made shapes out of each one. But every good thing comes to an end and eventually the sun got too bright and the clouds became less visible. She got to her feet, dusted herself off and apparated back to her room.
As soon as her feet touched the ground she took a deep breath to regain herself but it wasn't like it had been outside. The air was thick with dark magic, making every breath harder to take in. Within minutes all the sadness came crashing back. She remembered who she was, who her family was, and who they were currently giving their extra bedrooms too. There it was again, that aching pain in her chest that made her want to lay in bed all day and cry. The remainder of the horrible things she had done and what she would have to do in the future. She hated this feeling, and how it had her feeling like chains were tightening around her and the only way to be free of them is to do evil things. Sometimes she wished that she could just let those chains tighten around her neck all the way. Take her away from this pain, forever.
