Anastasia POV
For the past few hours, I've been doing nothing but lying on the bed and mindlessly staring at the ceiling. I've been contemplating the difference time can make in my life. Around this time 24 hours ago I was resolved and determined to accept the consequences of a misguided decision. Although I knew for my part I would follow through the agreed contract, I respected myself too much to stay in such a toxic environment. Yet every bloody time I move in a direction that would best suit me Murphy's Law always bites me in the ass. Mysteriously enough this Murphy, who I've never met in my life yet seems to have a relationship with many like me, knows in an odd psychic way my soft spot for the underdog. And make no mistake, Christian is the underdog.
Mr. Grey sure has defied the odds and rose above the circumstance he was brought in. The trauma he endured in his early formative years is the kind that holds deep in their consciousness and tends to perpetuate the ongoing circle of darkness. Like creates like; yet with the combination of Christian's resiliency, wicked intelligence, and the timely adoption of the Grey's the cycle was broken.
The Grey's welcoming Christian into their home didn't grant him a free pass, but his opportunities for success increased 50% more than his past circumstances. Christian without a doubt got lucky but that's not to say the man didn't work for it. By all accounts Christian should not be at the level of success he is today. Our human nature tends to lean toward the path of least resistance yet Christian chose the more difficult road of application and determination, hence my admiration of him. Like I said, I've always rooted for the underdog.
I'm too soft for my own good. I do recognize my tendency to be overly compassionate, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but the flip side to that is the potential of being completely taken advantage of; not so different from how the Grey's are treating me now but the distinct difference between yesterday morning and now is the knowing.
My head feels like a spinning hamster wheel and it's muddling my thought processes.
Despite our open conversation on the beach, the walk back to the yacht was a bit awkward but not too uncomfortable. I was missing the camaraderie of our time sharing our confidences. I sensed that Christian was reserved and holding back from me. I guess I'd be reserved too if the person I've confessed my undying love were hesitant in reciprocating similar feelings. It's an odd feeling and confusing. I would've thought that after sharing his experiences as a child he'd be more at ease. Instead I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells trying my darndest to keep our interaction light hoping he'd snap out of his funk.
After lunch we made our way back to the yacht and I excuse myself citing a desire to work through the pictures I took transferring them to my laptop for editing. Christian seemed happy to oblige making his way into his own room.
I know we were supposed to have a device free getaway, but my laptop is an essential part of what I do. The ability to download hundreds of pictures, then array them on one screen to compare the varying shots choosing the ones I want to keep and which to discard. Sometimes, if I'm in a romantic mood, I go old school scattering the developed photos on my graphics table analyzing each gloss paper shot as the natural light from my great window illuminates the room in a comforting warmth. But, since I'm not at home, I make do with my laptop.
It was during the downloading process that I thought to quickly check my web mailbox. Christian may have banned communication via cell phones to isolate us from the chaos the interview is likely generating, but this yacht is equipped with the most up-to-date technology, hence Wi-Fi. I remember Christian mentioned in passing that his passwords tend to be the names of his family members. Seeing as I was on The Grace, it was a no brainer.
Looking to the sidebar I noticed Kate was online, so I threw her a quick 'how do you do' and wait for her reply. I wasn't disappointed. Kate did not disappoint as I recall our email chat. I play the conversation over once again in my head more for clarity and assurance to be sure that my decision regarding Christian is the correct one. Thank the Lord Kate got back from her family vacation!
''ANA! Holy shitstorm girl! I've only been gone a week and the internet's busting at the seams with you and Christian Grey. Did you know you two got more hits than the former Duke and Duchess of Sussex? Did you sleep? Christ. Look you go all celebrity and everything. And I totally I bow down to your High Bitchness sending that Benson skank back to the pit of despair where she belongs. That beat down was EPIC! What have you NOT been up to? Where are you? Can you call me?''
My fingers couldn't type fast enough in response. My heart is beating double-time excited that Kate is live and available for me. I know I can trust her. I just needed to bounce off some of the shit that was whirling like an eddy in my head and Kate is a perfect sounding board. She's my second sober thought.
''Kate! (insert expletive) I'm so glad your back. You have no idea how happy I am that you're online. I can't call. I left my cell phone at the apartment, hence… Do you have a bit of time to text chat?"
"Of course. I'm heading back to work on Monday so I wanted to get a jump start on my workload and thought to dedicate this weekend to catch up, which is why I'm online, but for you work can take a back seat. Besides, I missed you my friend. I didn't think when I first met you, I'd be rubbing elbows with a celebrity. My inbox is ripe with 'news' but I'd like to get your take on all this gossip. Don't leave anything out. I want details. Lots and lots of details."
"Yah. I didn't think I'd be slingshot into the upper echelons of society either. So much shit's gone down since you left, I can't remember which pile I need to pick from to bring you up to speed. But before I start ranting, I'll have to ask you to refrain from publishing anything I tell you. I need my friend not the publicist. I know as a journalist it's your job…"
"Ana. I may be a journalist, but my focus is more on the business section of the paper not entertainment although I must say, you and Christian Grey are very entertaining. Just saying. Aside from that you have my solemn promise that whatever you need to speak to me about will be under strict confidence. I'm no Ashely Benson."
That's all the reassurance I need and like a pre-teen's first time dipping into mama's special Christmas punchbowl, I give her my all.
''I'm sorry I had to ask that of you, and I do trust you…"
"Ana. I understand and it's ok. Sounds to me like you really need a friend, and I was your friend before you were headline news. I value my career, but I value your friendship more. If you need me to sign an NDA, I'm fine with that."
"Thanks Kate. That means a lot to me." Deep breath. "I'm actually not fine. I mean I am, but… Christ. I'm such a jumbled mess and I don't know where to begin. When was the last time I saw you?"
"You were getting ready for the Coping Together Fundraiser. I helped you pick out some dresses."
"Gosh. That feels like it was a lifetime ago. Ok. So, Coles Notes version. That night Christian proposed, and I'm now engaged."
"Holy Shit! I knew that was the plan, getting married and all, but proposing at the ball? It's no wonder you're making news!"
"Oh. But wait. There's more."
"Although his proposal on the dance floor was surprising, that's not what's put me in a tizzy. That same night, I'm accosted by not one, but two people of Christian's inner circle. One's an old friend of the family named Elena Lincoln and the other his sister Mia Grey."
"Elena Lincoln. Why does her name sound familiar? Isn't she the ex-wife of Eric Lincoln? Timber tycoon?"
"I don't know. Do you know her?"
"About 10 years ago, or less, I can't remember, there was some gossip around a Mr. Eric Lincoln and his wife. They were caught up in a scandal of some sort regarding their divorce. I'll dig a bit, but that name Elena Lincoln sounds very familiar.
Mia Grey though. Jesus. She's got herself an interesting reputation. The gossip columns are respectful in comparison to what's being talked about around town, and I just got back, so you can imagine. You might want to keep a healthy distance from her."
Snort! "Yah. I'm already there but let me relay what happened in order, so I don't lose focus. I'll start with Elena Lincoln. The first day I met her I got this weird vibe. It's like when you were a kid on Halloween, and you think you're all grown up so to prove it you stupidly decide to watch a horror flick with the older kids. It's that feeling you get when you watch in trepidation as the red shirt slowly meets his ultimate doom by falling asleep. It's that kind of feeling."
"Are you talking about A Nightmare on Elm Street?"
"Yah. Freaked me the fuck out at 12. Not recommended for impressionable youths with wicked imaginations. I didn't sleep for over a full month. My poor father was freaking out until I fessed up. I was never allowed to watch horror flicks again."
"Oh Steele…," She's laughing at me. I can almost see it.
"Kate. Can we please focus here?" It takes a few minutes before Kate types back.
"Sorry. I had to get some tissue. My eyes were blurry from tears. I'm back and focused. Y'know you should try your hand at writing. That was pretty descriptive. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Shit..." and I know she's giggling again, but I wait until she gets control over herself before I continue. "Okay. Seriously. I'm back. So, creepy feeling and Elena. Got it."
"Yah. So, Freddie Kruger corners me in the bathroom and I shit you not, she starts telling me I'm not Christian's type and I should cut bait. The cow then tells me she's well connected and could set me up with a sugar daddy."
"SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR! Did you tell Christian?"
"I did."
"What did he say?"
"He said he'd take care of it."
"Did he?"
"I don't know. I certainly hope so. I haven't seen her since then, but that doesn't mean it's been dealt with. But wait. I've got more.
After the ball Christian and I decide to stay overnight at the Grey's because his grandmother, a woman I highly respect, asked for some wedding planning time. After brunch us women sit down to discuss wedding preparations. Christian and I start sharing what we want for our wedding respectfully declining any hullabaloo, but Grace dismisses these altogether. Christian in the meantime get an urgent call so steps away from the discussion.
Here's where I get the full onslaught of Grace and Mia. Long story short, in a less than diplomatic way, Grace insinuated I know jack shit about higher society wedding expectations so should just leave off. Now, I don't take too kindly to being bulldozed so I pressed my point further. Mia Grey, the narcissistic ninny, says that it's her brother's wedding and if her mother wants to throw a wedding that surpasses royalty itself, I shouldn't be so selfish in taking this experience away from her and since I don't have any friends or family left why the fuck should I care. I apparently need to pull up my big girl pants and get on."
"You're shitting me."
"I shit you not."
"Holy fuck."
"You have no idea. That kid is as toxic as a barrel of acid."
"I've always known Mia Grey is an entitled tit, but that there is a whole new level of petulance. Jesus Steele. What did Grace say?"
"Jack shit."
"She said nothing?"
"I actually have no idea. I was seeing red and left before I did something truly tasteless. But like I said knowing Grace she probably did jack shit."
"Ana…"
"I like Adele, and despite what I was feeling at the time, Adele is Christian's grandmother and I refuse to be sucked into their cesspool of disrespect. So, I didn't rant. I didn't bitch-slap her, as much as I thought she deserved it. I excused myself from Adele and left."
"I admire your fortitude girl."
"I just had better parenting. Anyway, after that was the interview with Ashley Benson."
"Christ. That was the same day?!"
"That afternoon. Yah, I know."
"Okay. I'm going to stop interrupting you because it sounds like you've still got more to say and my little side comments are distracting, so I'm just going to tuck my fingers away until you get it all out. I'm already fucking freaked and I'm not the one living it. So, just type away get it out and know I'm here."
"See! And that right there is why I call you friend. I appreciate that Kate. Thank you." I pause in my own typing to organize the history of events. "The whole time this was happening on my side, somewhere in there Christian was apparently falling in love with me. After the interview, Christian sweeps us a little getaway on his 'boat' – (you should seriously see the size of this thing. It's as big as the man's ego, but that's an aside) – Yesterday morning, after a full night of thinking of all that went down, I was ready to say, 'fuck it' and walk away. But Christian will have none of it because the irritating fuck tells me he has fallen in love with me.
Now knowing the little about the man, I do know he's emotionally inept, at least with me, and these last few days, (now that I think about it), he's been wearing his heart on his sleeve. I want to believe him, but I don't trust him. What do I do?"
"Kate…? Are you there?"
"Yah. Sorry. I was waiting. You done?"
"Pretty much…I guess…"
"CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WOMAN! You're in town, for what, a whole of 2 weeks and you bag the bachelor billionaire! Do you know how many women have been trying to get their claws on Christian Grey? He's the epitome of all that is male, and no one knows a lick about him. The guy is a walking mystery, yet you've just confirmed for all women that he's batting for our team. I have no idea what it is about you Steele, but I so want to be you when I grow up. Fuck me."
"ah…Kate. So not what I need to hear right now."
"Right. Ok. I'm just…holy super fuck in awe of you. But okay. I'm off track. Tell me why you were going to break it off. I don't think you're the type of girl that would get intimidated by someone by the likes of the unholy three, so what brought you to the brink?"
"Several reasons and not just the trio. I think the Grey's played me. Remember that day when I met with Carrick Grey? Yah. I think he planned this from the start, and they've got the upper hand. Mind you, I can't really put all of it on them. I signed the bloody thing.
I agreed to the fake marriage business I needed to get control of Steele Advertising and Christian needed the arrangement to negate some threats of personal exposure."
"The Leila chick"
"Correct. We both walked into this agreement with equal footing, or so I was led to believe."
"Ok. Continue"
"I played up the fiancé thing, following GEH PR protocols making appearances the whole nine yards. I'm meeting a lot of people who I admit would not have given me the time of day if I was not Christian's fiancé, but the mountain of shit I need to deal with from Christian, his friends, his ex's and then his family, it just seems like the cons outweighed the pros. I thought to get off the pot before more shit comes my way until yesterday…."
"…he tells you he's in love with you."
"Exactly."
"So, let's break this down into what you know. 1) The Grey's are using you. 2) You've got Elena Lincoln, Grace and Mia Grey hitting you with hostility. 3) You have the pressures of your own company to which as of today, you have yet to receive any news on where that is at. 4) You now have celebrity status pressures and need to deal with the fall out and/ or Goddess Warrior level B.S that you've been spearheaded into. 5) Christian Grey is in love with you. Am I missing anything?"
"Nope. That sounds about right."
"And you want me to tell you what to do next?"
"Not really tell me what to do, but for fucksake, I'm so freaking confused I have no idea which side is up!"
"Well. What's confusing you? What's holding you back from just saying 'fuckit. I'm done'? The only thing I can think of is if you…I don't know… maybe you're feeling something for Christian yourself."
Ah…shit. I…uh…
"Since you have yet to type back a response, I'm assuming I've stumped you. So, let this friend put something into perspective for you. This is Christian Grey. The man's been a public mystery since the day he became a blip on the journalistic radar. He's tight lipped. Tighter than a pubescent vestal virgin. Aside from business the world knew nothing of his personal preferences. The day Christian introduced you as his girlfriend women, and I'd guess most of the homosexual population around the world, wept. Now, granted, this thing you got yourself broiled into may have been a farce to begin with, but if the man has fessed up to some feelings for you, I'd take that for face value. Christian Grey does not need, nor would he care, if things went south with this contract. He's a billionaire for a reason Ana and that's not just having a wherewithal about markets and deals. He's got killer instincts so if Christian Grey is confessing to you, then you've cracked the ultimate Davinci Code. That's not something to consider lightly and by the sound of it your feelings for him is putting you into a tailspin because you know that's true.
Ana. As I type, I'm scrolling. All I did was type your name and site after site is popping up with page after page of pictures and praise for everything you've done, and in every picture where you and Christian are together, there's this look that he's giving you that's unmistaken. The man is clearly besotted and without a doubt off the market."
"It was an act Kate."
"Yah and Manolo Blahnik have red tag sales. You can debate that you were both playing a part but do your own search and look at the pictures from your engagement then watched the live interview. I'm 100% sure that his declaration of love was real. C'mon Ana! It's like watching the Beast with Belle on the dance floor. It's so Disney. He even has those Beastie puppy eyes. Christian Grey with puppy eyes! I bet my Jimmy Choo's that if you commanded him to play dead or fetch, he would.''
Damn her, but her last line cracks me up. No wonder she writes for a living. The shit she comes up with is out of this world!
''Play dead, really Kate?''
''Writers privilege and maybe I did exaggerate... a little. But I'll play Devil's Advocate. Let's say it was an act. What's stopping you from calling it quits? What's got you all discombobulated?
''He wants to make a real go of it."
''Of what?"
"The marriage. He wants to be really married as in hitched, connubial bliss, in the state of matrimony..."
''Enough examples, I get it.''
"Kate, I've literally only known the man for 2 weeks and the man's proposing marriage for all eternity. Don't you think that's a bit odd?"
''Odd. Yes, but again it's Christian Grey. Let's be honest, the man is odd. He's a billionaire under 30. A billionaire Ana, not millionaire, a BILLIONAIRE and he didn't win it from a lottery. In my humble opinion, I say the man's got good taste. Go for it.'' Kate finally says matter of fact.
''What!?''
''Look. You're already getting married. He professed his undying love, what have you got to lose?" I'm blinking at my screen thinking my friend is as crazy as my fake fiancé.
''What do I have to lose? How about the rest of my sanity? He may be enamored with me now, but what makes you think it won't fizzle in a few months, then what?''
''Sweetheart. According to the contract, after a year you were already going to part ways, so what indeed? There is always that risk that the relationship may not work out for a million different reasons, but you can't guarantee that it would work with someone else either. So that's a moot point. What I'm trying to say, is that you two are already stuck together for the foreseeable future. I'm not telling you to jump into bed and start spanking his monkey but take it at your own pace. Get to know each other. Besides if you had to get hitched to someone you have admit, that while Mr. CEO is not my type, he's easy on the eyes. Sure, he is the odd crayon in the Crayola box, but you may find that the colour of this intelligent weirdo might be perfect for you.''
''You make it sound so simple. I just don't know.'' I sound defeated.
''Sweetheart, you don't have to decide this minute and more importantly you don't need anyone's approval. Trust your gut and do what you think is best for YOU. If you're confused it's probably because despite the shit that been raining down on your head as a consequence of living with THE Christian Grey, I think your attraction to him is greater than you wanting to sever ties. Especially now since he's…Y'know…in love with you.''
''HA! True enough. Thanks for hearing me out Kate."
"Clear as mud?"
"LOL! More like murky water, but it's clearing up. But now that you're back, we definitely need a girl's night out and soon.''
''Agree there my friend. 100%. Okay. As much as I enjoyed this distraction, I really need to get back to my inbox and get a handle on my emails. Text me when you're back on land and we'll work something out''
"You're the bestest BFF ever!"
"Back at cha Babe. Cheers!"
And she is absolutely right. It is my life and I'm the boss of my destiny.
I get out of bed needing some distraction from Kate's words that are on replay in my brain. Once my chat with Kate was done, I closed my laptop needing a distraction for a while. I open the files containing my pictures and to my shock more than a half are of Christian. I took over 300 shots this morning of what I thought for sure was mostly landscapes. Sure, I sneaked a couple shots of him while he wasn't looking, but I didn't think I took that many.
Gosh darn he's a handsome bugger.
Christian once called himself fifty shades of fucked up and while I don't completely agree on the fucked-up part, he sure has a lot of different layers. I carefully study each picture subconsciously tagging each shot with a title. There's your typical Bad Boy James Dean shot with that stereotypical tall, dark, and brooding look. Then there are the candid shots where he's sporting a genuine smile. I'm not sure what he was thinking about when I took that shot, but he looks like a college kid without a care in the world. Another shows him deep in thought looking a lot older than his 26 years.
He's photogenic that's for sure. He is devilishly good looking, which is what attracts people I suspect, but if you can look beyond that and look at just at his eyes, they seem to tell a story of an old soul.
Christian Grey, what am I going to do with you?
Then it dawns on me. I can almost hear the 'click' of the light switch.
Christian is one hell of an asshole most of the time and to a lot of people. His personal baggage can rival the hugest cargo ship there is, but I can't deny the mutual attraction and not just physically. He's well educated, an interesting conversationalist and his business achievements fascinate me. To sum it up, to be in a relationship with Christian may be frustrating and maddening at times, but it never will be boring.
For most of my life I've been goal oriented. When I set my mind on something, I did everything I could to get what I wanted but I don't think ever took the time to enjoy the journey. Maybe now, with Dad gone and I'm not fighting for time to get things done, I can use this time for me. With Christian I can appreciate time moving at a slower pace like yesterday. I think I could learn to appreciate doing nothing but walk around and take pictures. It was fun and restful.
Taking a page from Kate's advice book I focus on listening to my gut and my gut is telling me that if I do give Christian and I a chance it would be worth it. We may end up killing each other, mind you, but I will never know until I try. The worth it part, not the killing.
I leap from the desk and rush out of my room to find Christian. If I don't talk to him about it now, I might start overthinking it again and talk myself out of my decision. So, I plug my nose, shut my eyes tight, and jump into the metaphorical river of possibilities.
Here we go!
I hope you all enjoyed this trip inside Ana's mind. Next chapter we will explore Christian's brilliant head.
Also I want to thank you for all of the feedback, it's very inspiring. Moreover I'm so glad that many or you had caught the main idea in this story, me and my very talented co-author want Christian and Ana to step into a relationship with eyes wide open and more prepared, not to jump there headfirst and then to try and dig themselves out of the hole caused by miscommunication and secrets.
Thank you for reading and see you soon.
Ilenka.
