"When death takes my hand I will hold you with the other and promise to find you in every lifetime."- Rupi Kaur

This morning just like the other nights she took the vial of 'Dreamless Sleep' She faded into a deep sleep. But something had changed that morning. Something had gone wrong, fear took over when she realized what had happened. It's too soon yet It didn't matter what she did at that point, it was far too late.

She was there, the place she had been avoiding for a year. It's just a dream, But that was far from the truth. The way she was about to experience this was a dream-like state, but this wasn't a made-up scenario by her subconscious. This had happened. She had done these things. She wasn't ready to relive this moment. But she couldn't bring herself to wake up. And just like that, the memory began to play.

The family sat tied down to chairs facing each other, helpless, Cordelia made her way over the lot of them, without hesitation, she cast the first killing curse, the green light hit the father, Adrien Micheaux. She heard the piercing screams of Celine Micheaux, as she watched the body of the man she loved go limp. Trying her best to push all her feelings behind the walls of occlumency she slightly turned her body to the right and pointed her wand straight ahead at the mother, Celine Micheaux. Celine's face had an expression of fear written all over it.

"Just do it quickly," Celine said as whimpers escaped her mouth. Her crying and pleading just getting louder.

Cordelia's stomach began to churn and she began to feel nauseous. For a brief moment, she thought she was going to pass out and leave her task incomplete. But that wasn't an option she had to finish this. She forced herself to not fall deeper into the feeling of guilt, she silently cast another killing curse. Celine's facial features softened, and all the tension in her body was released. As a final tear fell down her face.

Cordelia began to feel the dark magic rush over her body. All the air surrounding her was tainted, soon it became harder to breathe, she felt her throat begin to close in on itself. She got an aching pain in her chest. Everything around her was blurry and she was losing her balance. She tried taking deep breaths but it was useless, for as long as she was in that house the air she breathed would not help her. She needed to do this next part quickly.

Cordelia moved her eyes away from Celine's lifeless body and wandered over to Nicolette. Cordelia was barely able to make out her face, everything was just fuzzy shapes and colours. Yet the longer she looked at Nicolette the clearer things were to see. There she was next to her dead parents, with her head down, tears falling onto the marble floor of the drawing-room. It reminded her that the most painful part of it all had not been done yet.

"I'm- I'm so sorry I couldn't keep you safe, you deserved better than this. I love you, and I will spend the rest of my life loving you. I'm sorry It had to come to this." To this Nicolette did not reply, she only picked up her head and her eyes locked with Cordelia's. She took a look into Nicolette's beautiful emerald eyes, the ones who were now flooded with tears, tears that Cordelia caused. The fire that burned bright behind those eyes was gone. It pained Cordelia to have to see what she had done to Nicolette.

Cordelia tore her eyes away and looked at her wand. She gripped it tight and began to raise it, not sure how she was going to bring herself to cast the spell.

"Save him," whispered Nicolette who was now looking down at her belly.

Cordelia was in an addled state of mind. She could not understand what Nicolette meant. Almost as if Nicolette read her mind she spoke again. This time louder and clearer.

"The baby," she paused to look at Cordelia "Our baby, he has no part in this, Voldemort does not know about him, therefore you can't be punished for not killing him."

"But Nicolette how-"

"I went to St. Mungos a couple of weeks ago after I started feeling sick. There they informed me that the procedure worked, they also told me that he is a boy. Cordelia, I know you do not have a choice, but please, just do this, for me, for us,"

"But I cannot care for him, I can't raise a child. I will not raise a child, if he stays with me he is only destined for a horrible life full of horrible people."

"Please, this is all I ask. I know the situation you're in. But I refuse to let him die, find a way to keep him safe. I know you can."

Cordelia only gave a subtle nod then gripped onto her wand and pointed it towards Nicolette. Every bone in her body told her not to follow through with the next part, she knew she had no choice. Now unlike Nicolette's parents Cordelia could not give her a fast and painless death, not if she wanted to spare the unborn child. She felt a tear stream down her face before she forced the next word out of her mouth. "Sectumsempra," Nicolette bled out from her throat. Cordelia felt completely and utterly sick watching the blood spew out of Nicolette's body and onto the floor. Without breaking eye contact Nicolette whispered something almost inaudible.

"I love you, and I'm pr-"

Before Nicolette could finish the sentence her body gave up and Cordelia saw the light leave her eyes. She made her way over towards Nicolette's unresponsive body closed her eyes, and placed a small delicate kiss on her forehead.

"I love you too darling"

She turned around, left the residence and apparated to the Manor. She called for one of her many house-elves and sent her off to find the family, grab Nicolette, and take her to St. Mungos where the baby would be taken out the womb and given up for adoption.

When the memory ended Cordelia woke up, drenched in sweat, gasping for air, with tears falling down her face. Her body was on edge, she felt her heart beating uncontrollably fast almost as though it was going to beat out of her chest. Her breathing became shallow, causing her to feel lightheaded. She suddenly felt a sharp pain in her chest. Her body collapsed onto the floor, her ears started to ring, and her vision became dark. Not even a full minute awake before she was unconscious again. When she opened her eyes this time she was in a deep black hole filled with voices. Familiar ones, they were voices of Celine and Adrien Micheaux.

You killed our family!

How can you live with yourself?

You can't hide forever, one day that baby is going to grow up and realize her grandparents and mother were murdered by you, the one person who was supposed to protect us.

You're just like the rest of your family, such cowards.

She tried silencing the voices yet the more she tried the louder they got. Taunting her and reminding her that she was an evil person. She felt hopeless, there wasn't anything to distract her. The voices ate her alive. Every remark the Micheaux's made was true. Cordelia had indeed murdered an innocent family, she left a baby without her true family.

She constantly used to tell herself she would never let herself become like her family. She would never follow the path the name had set for her. Yet she still let the green light hit Adrien, and Celine. She already had slit Nicolette's throat. It was far too late now to try and change her inevitable fate. She had become what she worst feared. With that her head became quiet, and she was left in a black void in her mind. Left to feel the feelings she had been suppressing for a year now. She was not sure if she was feeling hatred or remorse. But whatever it was, left her feeling cold and empty.

So she thought to herself. How could I have let this happen? Why hadn't I fought back? I let myself be pushed around until I became the ideal perception of the daughter my parents desired.

Her mind was racing with negative thoughts. She believed herself to be a horrible person. Horrible people deserved to suffer. So she did not try fighting back whenever an intrusive thought entered her head. She would just allow the thoughts to enter and tear her down. The thoughts stripped her of everything. Her self-esteem, dignity, confidence. It was like looking in the mirror, completely vulnerable. Every part of her exposed, with nothing to hide behind. Having to face the flaws within herself.

The black faded as she slowly fluttered open her eyes. Her ears were no longer ringing and she could hear a muffled voice talking, but it still wasn't clear enough to make out the words. Cordelia's eyes started to focus on a tall male who was towering over her. She could make out his messy blonde hair, that was covering his cold, grey eyes. The male slowly bent down offering his hand. Cordelia took it and lifted her back onto her feet. He placed an arm on her waist and gripped her tightly in fear that she might fall again. While her left arm was slung over his broad shoulders. Without saying a word he summoned her a chair from across the room and sat her down.

He pulled out a vial from his pocket. The vial was small, V-shaped, with a marigold orange liquid filling to the top. It was sealed with a wine coloured cork. He pulled out the cork from the vial before handing it to her. Cordelia brought the vial to her lips and parted them allowing the liquid to touch her tongue. It tasted strong of citrus with a dash of vanilla. She swallowed the potion, it had a slight burning sensation as it travelled down. Out of curiosity, Cordelia turned over the vial to read the label. "Dr Ubbly's Oblivious Unction" she had heard of it in her final year attending Hogwarts. One of the Weasley brothers had to take it after his attack in the Department of Mysteries. It is said to heal the injuries caused by the brains' tentacles and thoughts.

The second one he pulled out was wide and round with an eye in the middle, it was filled with a sparkling blue potion. This one seemed to have no cork closing it but the liquid did not spill. She assumed it must have been magically sealed. He pulled out his wand and tapped the top of it, then handed it to her. When the liquid touched her tongue the first thing she could taste was peppermint, along with a few other things she could not distinguish. As she swallowed this potion she did not feel any burning, instead, she felt a cool soothing sensation. She read the label on this vial as well. "Invigoration Draught" she remembered having to brew that potion her fifth year at Hogwarts. It was supposed to boost the drinker's energy.

The male was now on the opposite side of the room looking out her glass door which led out to a balcony with a clear view of the garden on the west wing. He looked distressed, but it didn't come as a surprise. Anyone living in this house who had any sanity left would be distressed. The dark lord was constantly having meetings. This year was the year everything would happen, and it needed to be perfect. Any slight inconvenience and the dark lord would curse anyone in his way.

"Draco," Cordelia called for him hoping to get a word with him.

"Hm," Draco kept his focus on the garden

"Why are you in my room?"

"Mother said you have to attend dinner with us tonight to discuss the Dark Lord's orders, she sent me to tell you," he turned his head towards her.

"Oh," she got up and made her way towards him. "It's quite lovely isn't it" she opened the glass door and walked out to the balcony. "That everything around us is coming apart, yet the plants never fail to keep growing" there was a momentary silence before he answered.

"I suppose if you look at it like that, yes"

After that, neither said anything; they both just stood there, in silence. Not uncomfortable but peaceful silence, as they cherished the world around them. She couldn't recall the last time she and Draco were in a room together for longer than five minutes without bickering.

Ever since his sixth year when they both got their marks he began to keep to himself more and had random outbursts of anger. That's when they grew distant. Their bond was always unsteady and they would go weeks without communicating after a petty argument, but this was different. After he completed his task and got his mark he grew cold. She strongly believed that he resented her for not doing anything to stop Lucius. She had the urge to ask him about it but she didn't want to disrupt this moment, because she wasn't sure if they would ever share a moment like this again. So her thoughts wandered elsewhere.

It was truly a wonderful feeling being able to forget everything for a moment and just be there. Be a normal person on earth. No dark lord or death eaters, no good or bad. It was even better when you had someone to share this beautiful moment with. Someone who knew the stress of living this life, being the child of two death eaters. Being forced into a life you did not desire. Being mistreated because of the side you're on, even when you would not have brought this upon yourself had you had free will.

"We should get going now, dinner will be ready soon," He said breaking the silence while taking one more look at the garden before heading back into the room.

"You go on, I'll be down shortly," She responded not looking away from the view ahead of her.

As she heard his footsteps grow quieter and he was reaching the door she looked back at Draco. "Draco, how did you know?"

"Know what?"

"How did you know what potions I needed to take?" her body now completely turned towards him.

"Well I don't suppose you decided to have a quick nap on the floor," his body was still facing away from her. "You have gone through a lot this past year, it's not surprising to see that you have panic attacks, though I have to admit it is quite pathetic," As he turned the knob on the door he looked back towards Cordelia, "Ginny came by earlier, she left a letter said it was urgent. I placed it on your nightstand," He opened the door and left the room, his heavy footsteps becoming a faint noise as he made his way to the end of the corridor.

Ginny? Why would Ginny need to talk to me? As much as she wanted to read that letter she knew it could wait.

Cordelia took one final look outside before she went into her bedroom. With a flick of her wand, she fixed her hair and changed into a different outfit.

She slowly made her way out her room and out into the corridor. The cold air brushed against her skin as a result goosebumps rose in her body. She hugged herself, rubbing her arms to keep warm. She noticed her legs become weaker with every step she took. To distract herself she reached her arms out to either side of the corridor, feeling the tips of her fingers brush past the walls. She examined everything around the Manor with great precision whilst she walked. As if it was her first time seeing it. In a way, that was true, being locked away in her room only ever using apparition to get places. This was the first time in over a year that she walked through the manor.

Even though she had lived there her entire life and nothing ever changed, everything felt new. So she took everything in. The black marble flooring was only the west wing of the manor. The emerald doors that indicated they were magically warded off. The stained glass windows next to the staircase with the letter "M" in the middle. The smell of Cedar with a hint of Vanilla. The way the tread of the stairs was dark brown wood, and the riser was black marble. The glass railing that curved perfectly with the spiral staircase. The hand railing was the same dark brown of the tread. On the very last step of the staircase where she and Draco had carved their names as children. On her right was the parlour room full of chairs that hadn't been touched in decades. Across that, to her left the west gallery full of paintings of all the Malfoy men and their families. Just a few feet ahead was the dining room.

As she walked towards it she could hear the voices of her family filling the room. Her confidence levels dropped, a lump formed in her throat. Her body welcomed a wave of anxiety and crashed suddenly through her. Her legs felt weak again, fear started to take over her body. This is a mistake, I need to go back. But she had already made it this far. If she put this off today she knew she would have to do it another time. Deciding she needed to get this over with, she stood up straight and without a second thought walked straight through the doorway. The voices immediately became quiet and she felt all eyes fall upon her.