Chapter 33

Katara woke with a start in the middle of the night, finding herself drenched in sweat. It was an improvement over her nightmare in which she had been drenched in blood, no, it was even worse, she had been literally drowning in On Ji's blood, it was suffocating her, making it impossible for her to breathe, like a punishment for failing to save the other girl.

Feeling slightly nauseous, Katara carefully managed to disentangle herself from Zuko's arms without waking him, pushing a little away towards the empty side of the large royal bed. Her recurring nightmares kept waking him up as well throughout the past few nights, and it was a small miracle he had remained asleep this time. Resting on her back, Katara closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing. All the attempts of calming herself and return to sleep seemed pointless, every time she closed her eyes, she found herself instantly returning to that fateful soiree and the assassin's attack, unable to erase On Ji's blood smeared face from her mind. She had failed, so completely, even with the aid of her bloodbending, a tool she had sworn never to use again.

Realizing that she would not find sleep anytime soon and her tossing and turning would only risk waking up Zuko, Katara quietly slipped out of the bed and dressed herself. Her heart sunk a little when she noticed the frowning and unhappy expression on Zuko's face as he slept, suggesting that her beloved was also dealing with nightmares of his own, but still she steeled herself and turning her back on the bed, Katara left Zuko's chambers. The two Kyoshi warriors on guard outside the room immediately became alerted at her appearance, giving her questioning stares.

"Sorry, I couldn't sleep," she apologized, feeling sorry for startling the bodyguards. "I'll go back to my own quarters for a bit."

"I'll go with you," one of the girls stood up to follow her. Katara was about to protest, but the Kyoshi bodyguard prevented her. "Sorry, Fire Lord's orders. I'll get in trouble if I don't follow them to the letter."

"Alright, I don't want anyone to get into trouble on my behalf," Katara smiled at the Kyoshi girls, deciding not to argue. She then proceeded over to the consort's chambers, entering her own bedroom with the bodyguard remaining outside, on full alert. Having paced restlessly back and forth for a while, Katara eventually lay down on her bed fully clothed, staring at the ceiling and wondering helplessly how to deal with all these dark thoughts haunting her.

Her inability to save On Ji was the issue that bothered her the most. Rationally, she accepted that the injuries the girl had suffered would have made the task near impossible for even the most skilled healer, but none of these rationalizations mattered when her thoughts turned back to those haunting moments during which On Ji's life slipped away from her, with Katara resigned to helplessly watching it happen before her very own eyes. Katara had seen people die before, but never like this. She had been spared the worst sights of the death of her own mother, and still it haunted her to this very day. Even if she and On Ji hadn't been especially close, the circumstances of her death were so traumatic, to Katara they felt just as haunting as the memories of her mother's passing.

The worst part about On Ji's death was the prevailing thought that she could have stopped it from happening. If she hadn't talked Zuko out of executing Ozai earlier, it might have thrown the plans of the conspirators in complete disarray. Ukano probably would have had too many problems on his hands to concern himself with sending an assassin. There wouldn't have been the second assassination attempt and On Ji would still be alive, if not for Katara's rigid and inflexible moral convictions that had done no good whatsoever and had instead led to the death of an innocent and loyal young woman.

Of course, Katara still maintained enough rationality to understand that this was pure guesswork, and that the assassination could have still very well happened even if Ozai had been executed earlier. However, when she was in such a dark and downcast mood, her mind generally resolved all of these 'what if' scenarios in ways that were extremely negative, always assuming the worst.

And now, not only had she failed to save On Ji, on top of it all Zuko had still removed his order granting Ozai clemency. Her beloved had his father's blood on his hands, and she had completely failed to protect him from having to do something so horrible. Not that she felt sorry for Ozai, far from it. Katara felt repulsed by the idea of taking life, but if there was one person in this world for whom she would make an exception, it would have been Ozai. No, she did not much care that Ozai was dead and gone. But she did care about what this act would do to Zuko.

All of these recent events were slowly starting to build a tangle of heavy doubts in Katara's mind. I was so convinced that I was doing so well for Zuko and for the Fire Nation, but maybe I was just deluding myself. Maybe I'm actually in way over my head and I have no idea what I'm doing, and I just keep making things worse without seeing it. Who knows what other disastrous mistakes I've made, the consequences of which we are yet to see?

Maybe... maybe this whole thing has been a big mistake? What was I doing, thinking that a girl from the South Pole could become the next Fire Lady? Surely this is all just naive and childish fantasy and I'm chasing a pipe dream!

Katara felt so overwhelmed by her emotions that she could not stop herself from rolling over and starting to weep bitterly into her pillow. It took a long time for her shoulders to stop shaking and she slowly began to calm down, regaining some measure of control over her emotions. She picked up a random book from the nearby nightstand, sitting up and pulling her legs underneath her, seeking to distract herself with a silly romance novel. Katara found it nigh impossible to focus on what passed for the plot, her dark thoughts interfering too much, but she refused to give in and forced herself to plow onwards with the ridiculously sweet and cheerful romance.

In the end, it must have worked, because Katara woke a while later with the book in her lap, someone gently shaking her shoulder. "Everything alright?" she instantly recognized Zuko's voice as he sat down next to her. "I was worried when I woke up without you next to me."

"Sorry... sorry, Zuko," she replied with a small yawn, stretching her limbs, stiff from her having fallen asleep in a rather uncomfortable position. "I kept having nightmares and I didn't want to wake you up, so I came back here."

"I thought as much," his face creased with worry. "Still the same nightmare?" Zuko asked, Katara nodding wordlessly. "There must be something we can do about it, Katara. What if we both take a break? Go away for a couple of weeks, away from it all?"

Katara instantly felt incredibly tempted by the prospect of a couple of weeks on Ember Island. But the more she thought about it, the sooner she realized that any such vacation would be quickly ruined by the guilty realization that they had left the Fire Nation fending for itself at a crucial point of Zuko's rule. "You know that's not possible right now, Zuko," she replied softly. "The fallout from Ozai's death is about to hit us, and the Fire Nation will need you more than ever."

"It will need you as well," Zuko said earnestly, taking her hands in his. "I will need you, Katara."

"I'm... not so sure about that," Katara averted her eyes.

"What do you mean?" Zuko immediately sounded concerned.

"Sorry. Just having a crisis of confidence," Katara smiled weakly. "Zuko?" she began tentatively. "In the wake of everything that's happened... I need to do some serious thinking. And... I'm not sure I can do it here, where everything feels so painful."

"You want to go away," Zuko stated. He sounded afraid and it tugged so painfully on Katara's heartstrings.

"I don't want to go away. I can't stand the thought of being parted from you, Zuko, trust me," Katara sniffed. "But... I feel like I have to confront all these thoughts haunting me on my own. I need some distance from you and from the Fire Nation. I fear... I may not have been as ready for these responsibilities as I thought. Perhaps I was being overconfident."

"Katara, you have been doing marvelously well," Zuko squeezed her hand encouragingly. "Everyone around the court will tell you so."

"Maybe... I don't know... I'm just so confused," Katara shrugged helplessly. "Please, Zuko, will you give me time to sort this out on my own? I don't relish leaving you alone, especially not now, but I feel that I must do this if I want to make it work. And I... I so desperately want to make us work. I love you so much, Zuko," she began to sob again, not resisting when he pulled her into his arms and began to kiss her.

"Katara, I love you more than anything," he whispered as their lips finally parted. "If you want me to give you space, I'll give you space. But... don't expect me to let you slip out of my life and not fight for what we could have together."

"Zuko, that's something I want least of all, trust me," she said, hugging him fiercely. "I want to come back stronger. For you. For the Fire Nation. For us both."

"That's... that's good," Zuko seemed to relax at her passionate statement. "Where do you want to go, Katara? Back to Ember Island?"

"No, I was thinking I could leave with Sokka tomorrow," Katara replied. "Ba Sing Se sounds like a good destination, for the same reasons that he gave you."

"That sounds like a good idea, Katara," Zuko smiled at her. "While in Ba Sing Se, you should go and speak with Uncle Iroh. I believe he could help set your mind at ease. Can you promise me you'll do that?"

"Of course, I promise," Katara agreed readily. "That sounds like a great idea. If there's anyone I could speak to about the burden of responsibility and command, it would be your uncle."

"Maybe it is something that you need to do," Zuko eventually admitted, though he still sounded a little reluctant. "But I am still going to worry about you..."

"Then perhaps I need to reassure you of my feelings for you more firmly," Katara smiled, leaning closer to him and giving Zuko a quick kiss that left them both hungry for more.

"And just how do you plan to reassure me?" Zuko's grin broadened.

"Oh... I have some ideas," Katara smiled as she leaned back onto the bed and pulled Zuko down with her, sighing in contentment as his body pressed against hers. "And I most certainly know where to start..." she added, pulling into another kiss, with many more sure to follow.