Greetings.
...Earthlings, I've come to kill humans, because seriously, your species sucks and I hate you all.
I'm a misanthropic mood today!
Just kidding. I'm in a misanthropic mood every day.
Quinn: Thanks so much for all the great reviews! :)
the Keeper: No... I'm perfectly healthy... well, not mentally, and I had a touch of COVID back in July, but I'm fine now. Thanks for the concern!
Guest: Hmm, maybe.
onlymalekotlcfan: If a series isn't complete, they aren't allowed to read fan predictions, because if an event in a fanfiction they read happens in the real book, the fanfiction author can sue claiming it was their idea, and becomes a whole legal mess that authors avoid dealing with by not reading any fanfiction. At least, that's my understanding of it. And thanks! You don't have to be American to like Hamilton- I like Les Miserables but I'm not French. And AHH the election. It's all good now, but tHE ANXIETY I WENT THROUGH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA-
Guest: Thanks!
girlonfire: I told you I finally watched Six, yeah? Well, anyway, if I didn't, now you know. But seriously. Rent. Highly recommend. Bring tissues. I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON! Despite not having a son, especially not a gay one or a dead one. DEAR EVAN HANSEN! *Shrieks* LOVE IT SO SO MUCH! Yes, I too am a fangirling mess. Ooh, paragraphing. And Peggy!
Wildcat: I'm in a weird mix of utter self deprication and complete arrogance, don't mind me. SOLANGELO! And down with the homophobes! I steal their kneecaps in my free time.
Harryscuzin: Cliffordan is my life. They have a terrible ship name though. Queer Kiwi is... I can't decide if I want to be her or date her, but either way, she's incredible. She does use she/her, by the way, but doesn't conform to labels on her sexuality. Yayyy, cishet allies! Just letting you know, the "are the straights okay" refers to not all heterosexual people, but the Heteros™. I don't know how to explain it but it makes perfect sense in my mind. Have a great day/night/whatever as well!
Swiftie: Already responded to you but here's your daily reminder that your sexuality is not a flaw and you are loved, you completely valid human being.
Mallowmelt: Vackers are 100% POC. *Yeets official art out the window* I kind of imagine them as sort of Middle Eastern based. And yes, all the gay. Thanks!
Fitzphieistrash: The Sophie/Keefe/Fitz one is the main triangle, Biana/Dex/Tam is more behind the scenes fan speculation.
AuroraMiri25: Literally this entire chapter is dialogue, but thank you! We need diverse books. We need diverse books. We need diverse books. I will scream it until people listen and marginalized groups can see themselves represented in media so we don't feel quite so alone. Lunar Chronicles are AMAZING. So is Marissa Meyer's other stuff- Heartless is simply breathtaking and Renegades, which I just finished, captivated me from start to finish. Good luck with your homework!
The Unnamed One: Shippity ship ship.
That Fangirl Sara: Thanks! :) (No problem, it is long.)
Okay, here's your chapter. Enjoy!
Me: Alright peasants, I'm in a super gay mood today (as I am every day) and suffering from a devastating lack of creativity, so we're going to do something fun today!
Wylie: When you say fun...
Tam, cutting him off: Did you just call us peasants?
Me: I call everyone a peasant. It's nothing personal.
Linh: I don't think that's very nice.
Me: Well, I'm not very nice. Shall we get into the chapter?
Everyone, simultaneously: No.
Me: That wasn't very nice either. Let's try it again. Shall we get into the chapter?
Everyone, louder: HECK NO!
Me: I think that was a yes. Anyway, as I said, I'm not feeling super inspired- possibly due to me devoting my energy to other writing projects- we're just going to read a chapter about my laziness and my gayness, two of the most wonderful things in the world! On the KOTLC Wiki, there's a page called LGBTQ+ Keeper, which is filled with headcanons about all of you. I'll also be bringing some of my own headcanons into the mix.
Sophie: Shouldn't you be doing this during pride month instead?
Me: EVERY MONTH IS PRIDE MONTH, FOOL! *Wraps self in rainbow flag, blaring Hayley Kiyoko* gIrLs LiKe gIrLs LiiiiiiiiKe BoYs Do, NoThInG nEw!
Biana: Yeah... I kinda liked the songfic better, when we didn't actually have to listen to this?
Keefe: Songfic?
Me: Shameless self promotion time! I have a songfic called "Girls Like Girls" about Sophie and Biana. You can find it on my profile page. It's honestly a lot better than this garbage, so you can go read it now.
*Everyone leaves*
Me: Well, now that no one's reading, I can go do my homework or try to hit today's writing goal-
Procrastination Monkey: *Grabs me* *Puts me back in React Void* That's not gonna happen.
Me: Oh. Oh well. Let's react, shall we?
Everyone: WE SAID NO!
Me: Well, no means no when it comes to consent, but not when it comes to horrible fanfictions! Onward!
Dex: *Sighs* I'm first on the page. Oh! Does that mean... I'm relevant!?
Sophie: I think it does!
Fitz: Woah, congratulations, Deck!
*Crickets*
Fitz: Desk?
Dex: I'm just... not... going... to... comment. Now, the top of the page says it's all theories and headcanons, so none of it has been confirmed by Shannon Messenger-
Me: Screw it. I'm the new Shannon Messenger, and I'm in charge now. EVERYONE IS QUEER! QUEER OF THE LOST CITIES! KEEPER OF THE LESBIAN CITIES! GAY-OTLC!
Marella: Do you actually spend time coming up with these nicknames?
Me: No, I honestly just came up with them on the spot. Anyway, go ahead and continue, panDexual.
Dex: Again... not... going... to... comment... um... People think I'm bisexual and into Fitz! They think me calling him Wonderboy is a way to conceal my feelings?
Sophie: To be fair, you do seem pretty into him.
Keefe, mimicking Dex: Oh, that Wonderboy, he's so infuriating, with his stupid teal eyes, and his stupid movie star smile, and he's so stupidly hot and stupidly perfect. I hate that Wonderboy so much! I hate Fitz Diz- I MEAN FITZ VACKER!
Dex: When have I said that?
Sophie: Literally all the time.
Marella: Constantly.
Biana: It was a little annoying, to be perfectly honest.
Dex, blushing: Whatever! I'm also shipped with Keefe-
Sophie: Oh! You know that thing where we ran away to the Black Swan and Keefe and Dex had to share a breathing mask thingy? That was SO CUTE!
Dex: Shut up. And I'm headcanoned also as genderfluid, nonbinary, pansexual, and/or demiromantic.
Me: I don't feel like defining everything- which is a little surprising- but the LGBTQ+ Keeper page has definitions linked and the LGBTA Wiki has a ton of definitions too. So if you want something defined, look at one of those places. Now, in my universe, all the characters know the terms, so react!
Sophie: I don't think Dex is demi, since he seemed to like me from the beginning.
Linh: But what if that was just compulsory heterosexuality?
Keefe: Nah, I think he really did like her at some point.
Marella: He's definitely bi or pan, though I'm not sure which.
Tam: I do kind of think nonbinary Dex makes sense. Sort of a masc-aligned or demiboy type thing?
Me: I know it's really Dex's decision but he/xe actually just exists in my head and I've stolen him/xem so he's/xe's my character, and I think xe/xem pronouns might work for him/xem.
Dex: Huh. Yeah, I kind of like that. Onto the next person?
Me: ONWARD! Biana, you're up.
Biana: I'm headcanoned as Bi-ana or Lesbiana. Do my sexuality headcanons just exist for the puns?
Sophie: Probably.
Biana: There are worse fates. I'm shipped with literally all of the girls, at the same time for some.
Me: tHeY'rE aLL sO cUtE! Biana/Stina, maybe not, but all the others- YES.
Biana: Okay so I'm also headcanoned as polyamorous, then?
Me: *Grins* Yep. Meaning you're perfect for a certain other polyam lesbian in the room...
Sophie: We're not in a room. We're in some sort of fictional void.
Me: Oh. Next?
Sophie: My turn! Why am I only third? I'm the main character, guys! Anyway. I'm headcanoned as *deep breath* bisexual!-
Me: -TRISEXUALS HOMO SAPIENS-
Fitz: *Claps hand over my mouth* Continue, Sophie.
Sophie: Pansexual! Asexual, and presumably bi/pan romantic. Or grey-ace! Is grey spelled G-R-A-Y or G-R-E-Y? I personally like the former but since my controller prefers the latter we're going with that. Lesbian! Nonbinary! Demigirl!
Me, wrestling Fitz off: TO PEOPLE LIVING WITH, LIVING WITH, LIVING WITH, NOT DYING FROM DISEASE!
Tam: Is she okay?
Me: LET HE AMONG US WITHOUT SIN BE THE FIRST TO CONDEMN!
Everyone intelligent: LA VIE BOHEME!
Wylie: I don't think she's okay.
Me: Just be glad I'm not singing "What You Own" or "I'll Cover You Reprise."
Wylie: These words have no meaning to me. Can we get back to the react?
Linh: *Brings back of her hand to Wylie's forehead* Wylie, are you feeling okay? You said you wanted to react... I'm so confused.
Wylie: I just want to get this over with as soon as possible.
Tam: Oh, that makes much more sense. I was worried for a second.
Fitz: Anyway, since we've read the books for KOTLC reads KOTLC- insert more shameless self promotions here- we've all seen Sophie's internal monologue, and she definitely has feelings for boys, so probably not lesbian.
Marella: Unless it's comphet.
Fitz: I don't think it was comphet.
Marella: Confusing aesthetic attraction with romantic?
Fitz: I really don't think it was alterous attraction either.
Keefe: You know the head versus heart theory? Maybe she believes herself to be straight in her head because of heteronormativity, but in her heart, she's super gay.
Fitz: Guys, I think Sophie's straight-
Biana: No, Sophie is pansexual as ****. Have you read her internal monologue? She describes so many elves, regardless of gender, as "super beautiful/hot/gorgeous/etc." It could just be aesthetic attraction, but does that sound heterosexual to you? I THINK NOT.
Fitz: Fine. We can agree that her internal monologue never expresses any discomfort with a feminine identity, right?
Dex: Well, she does always hate dresses and makeup-
Me: *Cough, not like other girls, cough, misogyny, cough, cough*
Biana: Right, but gender expression doesn't equal identity. Plenty of girls don't like dresses and plenty of not girls do. Beyond cosmetics, Sophie's internal monologue has never shown any desire to identity herself with any gender but female.
Sophie: So, cisfemme pansexual? Is that the consensus?
Me: Apparently! Next?
Keefe, running hand through hair: These people are right, I'm very bisexual. All the girls and the guys love me. Unfortunately, I'm not interested in the nonbinary pals, but I'm confident you'll find a partner only slightly less hot than me someday.
Tam: ...he's shipped with me!?
Linh: I can't tell if he looks excited or revolted.
Marella: Yes.
Fitz: He's also headcanoned as a trans boy. Thoughts?
Dex: It does make a lot of sense, especially with how Lord Cassius treats him. And maybe Gisela's plan involved a daughter instead, so he's been failing to follow her 'legacy' since the beginning, which is why she's so determined to get his obedience on everything else.
Keefe: My AGAB is none of anyone's business... but that does make sense.
Linh: Oh, it's my turn! I'm headcanoned as lesbian, lesbian ace, or aroace.
Me: And it doesn't say on the wiki, but I headcanon her as simply "queer," because nOT EVERYONE NEEDS A LABEL AND THAT'S SUPER FREAKING VALID! I'M OBSESSED WITH LABELS BUT WE AREN'T SOUP CANS SO IF THAT ISN'T YOUR THING THEN YOU DO YOU.
Dex: But yes, Linh either likes girls or no one. She definitely doesn't like boys.
Tam, cracking knuckles: Good.
Wylie: Wait- what- but I?-
Sophie: Honestly, now that I think about it, I like Lylie as a QPR better than I ever did as a relationship. It makes the age gap more comfortable, for one thing, and I also like the idea that human beings can express affection without needing it to be romantic.
Keefe: That actually makes a lot of sense.
Linh: Hmm... I'll think about it. For now, I'm also headcanoned as a trans girl, since it's impossible for identical twins to have different AGAB's and I'm pretty sure Shannon has described us as identical. Tam could also be a trans boy, by that same logic.
Tam: *Cackles in the knowledge that sex chromosomes have defeated the transphobes this time*
Marella: *Cackles as well* It's just basic biology, Karen.
Sophie: Okay, boomer, we're defending science here.
Me: I do know there is actual scientific evidence to prove the existence of transgender individuals and other nonbinary genders, but most of that is too complicated for the transphobes, and sex chromosomes is something they claim to understand, so I'm just kind of making fun of them. Even though I doubt any transphobes are reading. If you are, go away.
Ah, insulting transphobes. What a wonderful conclusion to the chapter. There will be a part two with other characters/headcanons, but it was getting long and I was getting lazy so I stopped there.
Anyone read Unlocked? I'm honestly having a hard time accepting it as canon, I've read so many fanfics that it feels like just another one lmao. But the recipes... I am looking forward to the recipes.
She says, currently nauseated and aggressively unhungry.
Anyway, something I've seen online a lot is people choosing a nickname for their collective fans/followers/readers. Like how the Harry Potter fandom is known as "trans individuals/allies with seething disgust for JK R**ling." Or is it Potterheads? Nah, I'm pretty sure it's the first one. Anyway, I was going to make a poll, but when brainstorming options, I instantly decided on a favorite.
...
...
...
This is ridiculous, isn't it?
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...
...
You guys are my obedient servants! How awesome is that! It works for several reasons. One, I am your queen and you are my servants. (Just let this slide, we have to appreciate my ego boosts on the rare days I'm not crippled by self doubt.) Two, we're all freaking obsessed with Hamilton. And three, I actually can't think of a third one, but wanted three things on the list.
But I like it. And that's what matters. What do you think, my obedient servants?
That's it, obedient servants- please review!
