All rights to Kiera Cass. This book is designed to make story edits that largely follow the original plot. So even in the edited parts it is often largely Cass's writing.

…. …. ….. …...

Author's note 1: This chapter. THIS. CHAPTER. UGOAHEOQA. The pain of writing this was real.

Author's note 2: don't throw your phone it's expensive. :( :) :/

Author's note 3 / comment response: Okay I am clarifying because a lot of you keep saying she's resenting Maxon, and she's not. She's questioning where her role is, but since the role of queen is inherently tied to Maxon, choosing queen is the same thing as choosing him. As a job she doesn't want to be queen so he is the only reason why she would choose queen. (but also you can still be mad at her bc I am too)

…. …. …...…. ….

(edit)

CHAPTER 33

I WALKED BACK INTO THE CASTLE. It was late in the evening, past dinner, and the hallways felt silent. It was so different from the warmth and bustle of home, but in a way this felt like my home too. One way or I'm going to be spending a lot of time in these walls.

I started climbing the stairs and ran into Kriss. "America you're back!" She called with a hug. Her necklace caught my eye, my god it really is everywhere.

I quickly pulled a confused Kriss into my room, dismissed my maids, closed the door, and leaning against it, turned back to her. "You're a Nothethern Rebel."

"What?" she looked a little afraid as her eyes surveyed the room for a way to escape. "That's crazy America."

"I know what the star means." I said to her as gently as possible.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" her voice sounded so small.

"I only recently learned what it meant." I shrugged, while trying to find her eyes to confirm the question I already know the answer to. "Do you really love him."

She looked me intently in the eye, "Yes." then let out a small breath unsteady breathe. "I was originally presented by the rebels to the king, and I will admit in the beginning I was just here for the cause. But then Maxon and I connected, I really started to get him, and I fell. What does it matter anyway, he's going to choose you."

"Actually, I think the throne is more up for grabs than it's ever been." It didn't bother me that she was a rebel -I was almost a rebel, my father was a rebel, Cane is a rebel, I invited a rebel to have tea in the castle- as long as she loves him, that may actually make everything just a bit easier.

"America, how could you possibly believe that? He went on national TV and said he wanted to choo-" We locked eyes, "America what did you do?"

I walked over to her and grabbed her hands, "I'm glad you really love him." Then pulled her into a hug. She hesitated unsure of what to do, then hugged me back. There was a knock on my door and after a short moment Maxon opened the door. Kriss excused herself, looking back momentarily as if to try and read what was about to happen.

Maxon and I stood staring, trying to process that the other was real. What was I about to give up? Can I do this? Can I be with him? Can I not?

Maxon swooped in, kissing me and I melted. "How are you, my love?" His eyes shone so intensely of love that I had to look away. He moved his head to try to catch my eyes and I took a step backwards out of his grasp. "America what's wrong?" Maxon pleaded and I could hear the fear in his voice.

Why did I do this, why did I have to go and fall for him. We were friends. We were such good friends, and we had a plan. It seems like a great plan now. Why did I have to go making my life impossibly hard.

"My America." He whispered trying to take a step forward, but I moved away.

"I- You- It's just-... Maxon I-" I tried but nothing seemed right. Finally I just whispered "I'm sorry." And started crying.

He ran over to me and hugged me, I let him, I didn't have the strength not to be with him. How was I expecting myself to do this for the rest of my life?

"What are you sorry for?" He was still nervous.

I turned my head away from him trying to find some way to say the words, "Maxon I don't know if I can do this."

He hugged me tighter as if if could hold on tight enough I couldn't slip away. "Do you still think you wouldn't be a good princess? America you'll be amazing. You'll be the best queen Illea has ever had."

I shook my head. "I have to be an advisor Maxon. I don't know why I fooled myself before."

"No. No. You'll still do some advising, just like we talked about." He begged.

"'Advise on the big things'. How many people die because we missed things day to day that I could have caught. I can't do both. The queen's responsibilities are a full time job. And I can't live with the internal counter going up each day of people I killed by omission, killed so I could love you." I tearily whispered.

Maxon hesitated before asking "America what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I think you should choose Kriss."

He moved away now angry. "So that's it. After everything you back out at the last moment."

"I'm so sorry." I whispered again.

"America please don't do this." He begged. After being unable to catch my eye he went back to yelling. "You didn't even say to choose someone else, you said to choose Kriss. You aren't just giving up the position you're giving up me!".

"You deserve to be happy, to have a wife you can love in front of the world, to have kids with your wife. That can't happen if you're still with me." I explained.

"That also can't happen if I don't love my wife. I love you America. And ONLY you. You aren't replaceable to me. There may be three other girls, but they aren't really options because I only want you, I can only look at you, I only see a future with you. I can't pick them. Not if it means giving you up."

"That's how you feel now, but in twenty years will you not grow to resent me for having to love me in secret? For turning your life into a telenovela? For making everything harder on top of your already difficult life? You deserve something that is simple Maxon, and I cannot give you simple." I tried again.

He shook his head. "You say you don't want to be a princess because it's better for the people. But what about the alliance with the rebels, what about the Italian's? None of that can happen without you."

"I will still be here in an advising capacity. And none of that will have any risk of collapsing if you choose Kriss." He looked at me confused. "Kriss is a rebel. She's the other girl. If you pick her it will all be fine."

"How do you know that?" He asked almost in awe.

"My trip home was eventful…." Maxon eyed me confused. "My Father was a rebel, after he clued me in in a letter, a bunch of things just started to piece together."

He sat down on the bed trying to figure out how to win the fight. The full extent of me just admitting my father was a rebel not even registering. It didn't help him be able to marry me so it didn't matter. Finally I saw a tear go down his face and he confessed, "I can't live without you."

I shied my eyes. I can't watch his heart break when mine is breaking too. "People get over heartbreak, but one never recovers from losing themselves." I didn't have to look at him to know that angered him. "You'll break, we'll have to avoid each other as best we can for a while, then Kriss will be there to clean up the pieces, and you'll grow to love her. Maybe one day we can even go back to being friends." I wanted to vomit at how transactional I made the whole thing seem. These were our hearts I was forfeiting.

"You still don't get it." He huffed. "Please turn around and look at me." I didn't move, it was too hard. "If you're going to insist on breaking my heart at least look at me as you do it." I turned around and looked at him, both of our faces were tear stained. "You read romance books and watch movies where they immortalise in love at first sight, swear upon its existence. And you think that sounds crazy. I thought it was crazy. Until the first time I met you. From that moment on I knew I was helplessly fated to fall madly in love with one America Singer. No friendship or broken hearts or disapproving fathers could change that. I was falling.

"You're the one America. I can try and pretend there is someone else I could love in this way, but not one of the souls in all the cosmos could compare to you. You're a shining light in a pool of dark. You're the fire on a cold day. You're the star on top of the tree. You're the one. And you will always be the one. There is no getting over you. No matter how hard I try my heart is nonrefundable and belongs to you. I will always be yours."

He inhaled deeply before reaffirming his eye contact. "Do you really think you could get over me?"

I shook my head profusely. "I thought if I lied to myself it might be easier. But I don't want to be anyone else's, and I don't think I could if I did."

"So what were you going to do?" He asked.

I knew what I thought but I didn't want to tell him. I just planned on being alone. I'd dive into work and make the garden my life. I would make the people of Illea my legacy. But Maxon wouldn't want that for me, so I lied "I don't know."

He walked over and I let him hold my hands, "So we're just going to be two people madly in love, a table apart but a fate away?" I nodded, my stomach knotting at the idea.

"America, way back in the beginning of this you said to me 'I hope you find someone you can't live without. And I hope you never have to know what it's like to have to try and live without them.' You're making me live without her."

"I didn't know what it was truly like to try to live without someone you love back then, and I'm trying it now, but…." I couldn't finish the sentence.

"Then why try? Why not just let me love you!"

"Because if I choose you, I force hundreds of people a month to live without their love. I deprive hundreds of the ability of going through heartbreak. I declare they shall never have a family of their own. Choosing them means emese pain now, but choosing you means killing myself slowly. I'll take the option with less casualties."

"You make it sound like you lose either way?"

"Don't I?"

Maxon kissed me, I used all of my strength to pull away. "Maxon I can't be with you."

"Not even for the night?" His voice was so desperate and I was too weak to say no so I kissed him. It felt so right, so perfect, and I knew it would make everything harder tomorrow, but I kissed him again anyway. Tonight, for one last time, we'll just be Maxon and America.

….. ….. ….. . . …..

Author's note: I love this chapter but...NOT MY HEART BREAKING! It's okay if you hate me for ruining something so pure, I hate me too. *Author crying*.

... ... ... …

Thanks for reading. As always please comment(or just yell at me in the comment section) :/