"So umm… those cookies you gave me… they had strings attached?" Liam scratches his neck nervously, gaze shifting out of the booth every second. He resembles a gazelle, ready to bolt at any flicker of danger. Axel and him must be twins.
I frown. "What?"
"The cookies last week? You popped by to drop them off in the morning…?" He rubs his arms up and down, way too nervous for a grown man. I almost assured him that my dogs aren't going to eat him, only to remember they aren't here.
"Oh!" I chuckle and place the menu down. "Right, the cookies. You ready to order?" Liam gapes, and I assume it's a yes. I wave a waiter over. "Yeah, those cookies weren't for nothing."
Liam chokes on nothing. The waiter eyes us weirdly, specifically the spluttering man. I smile politely and order a soup. It takes a while longer for Liam to manage out his order. And from the looks of it, he coughed out the first thing on the menu – baked oysters.
Yikes.
Liam doesn't notice his mistake, proceeding to collect the menus with hurried movements. He also doesn't notice when the waiter asks if he's sure. "What do you mean?" The waiter hesitates for a second before leaving.
I smile flatly and tilt my head in awkwardness. "Well… like I said on the morning I gave them to you, it's a thank you gift."
He nods skeptically, one eye bigger than the other. "For what?"
"For helping me with Gunner? And for helping with loading Sabre on their food? And I guess now… hide and seek too?" I meet his skepticism with my own, confused on how he doesn't remember that I told him the exact same thing the other day.
Liam relaxes instantly, shoulders sagging. "Ah yes, sorry about that." He nods in remembrance. "The cookies were really good, by the way." Suddenly, he's back to tensing. "Then why am I here? Did you only make the cookies for me?"
"You're here because I need advice. And no, I had made them for Eric. There were extras, so I decided to give them to you… and Four, and Zeke, and Skylar, and Axel. Nothing personal," I trial off. Does Liam think I like him? Surely he does realizes that I only see him a few seconds each day…
"Does Eric know you gave them to me? And to the rest of the men?" he asks seriously.
I nod slowly, unsure exactly what he's getting at. "Yeah. He helped me with packing too." Granted, he didn't say much that night. I assume he was fine with it. Eric knows my connection with all of them.
Liam sighs in relief. "Okay, that's great. I guess Eric knows you're here with me then."
He doesn't. And I shall not enlighten Liam lest he falls into a mini nervous breakdown again. What is it with all the men becoming whimpering puppies at the mention of Eric? First Axel, now Liam? The last time I checked, I don't recall Liam being beaten the crap out of for hanging out with me back in initiation. Unless Eric had dropped me off at his apartment and then hunted him down - of which I find unlikely.
Still possible.
"So, what advice would you like?" Liam's back to his normal, bright-ish self. "Have the dogs been missing me? Why haven't you brought them back for hide and seek?"
It's hard to believe this is the same drunk dude who ran into me months back.
"You still see most of the dogs every day, so no, they don't miss you." His expression falls. "And Four's back and well. So I've been training the dogs with him again." Four's up and running. Other than the salty part of him admitting I did make the right shots, our friendship is almost back to normal. "But… I can still bring them over for hide and seek every once in a while, if you'd like." He nods enthusiastically.
Okay, here goes.
"It's about Eric."
His expression drops. "Ah."
Now it's my turn to nod. "Yeah well, we haven't been on the best of terms lately, and I was hoping that maybe you could offer up some advice…?"
He digests the information without fretting. "Fair enough. But why me?"
"Because you know Eric from afar, but closer than a standard person. You both were in the same initiate class, right?" Liam nods. "I wanted someone impartial to talk to." Who doesn't know me or Eric well, but well enough. Someone who wouldn't take sides and has a higher chance of seeing the situation objectively than the rest of the people I know. Liam isn't the best choice, but he's better than nothing. "And someone I can trust."
Yes, I do take Sabre's Pinky offerings very seriously.
"Honeybun!"
The blonde next to him throw her hands in the air. "See? I told you she wasn't ignoring us." Axel eye-rolls and replies in angry whispers. The woman exposes her palms in surrender. "Okay, okay. Jeez."
I slow my approach. Honeybun? They stand outside my door, engrossed in a stare-down. I recognize the blonde's voice. Upon closer inspection, it's Taya.
The girl Eric banged all year long.
Definitely not what I need.
"Hi. Eric's apartment is the other one." I slap on a smile and jab a thumb to the identical door opposite mind. Their stare shifts to me, and I do my best to maintain the smile. Axel blocks the entrance. I try to move around him. "Now, if you'll excuse me…"
"Actually, we came to see you," Axel says. He's in simple casual wear; a basic shirt and pants. Taya is too, with a wardrobe a bit more revealing than mine. "Where were you? We've been waiting here for a while."
"Oh. Sorry, I was out having dinner." I can hear the dogs shuffling on the other side of the door, especially Sabre sniffing at the door gap. "What for?"
Taya grins. "Like a date?" She jabs the man with her elbow and scowls at him. Axel winces. "See? I told you everything is fine. Now… where is he? Is he coming soon?" She peers over my shoulder, searching for Eric as if he's a midget who's been hiding behind my back all along.
Heh.
"No… I was out meeting a friend," I say slowly. Eric's friends exchange glances. "If you're looking for him, you can try the office?" If Eric isn't at Candor, he's in his office. The city is in a crisis; three factions have lost their leaders. Marcus was called in after Jeanine openly informed everyone that no, the article on the governor's abusive nature isn't some delusional rumor she concocted. She didn't have to admit it, but she wanted to. It was the last attempt at destroying the government, and it worked – slightly. Marcus was called to stand trial a few days back.
Meaning I've barely seen Eric – the new head of Dauntless - all week.
Taya brightens. "See? I knew it! I told you he wouldn't be at the bars! Or the Ring."
Axel sighs. "Yes I know, Tay. I just wanted to be sure." He turns to me, finally stepping away to let me have access to my door. "Are you and Eric on the outs? We're concern for him, and we haven't seen the both of you together since…"
"Since he started shutting everyone out!" Taya finishes enthusiastically. "He's showing signs of SEPTSD again!"
I instinctively key in my code. "SE, PTSD?" The keypad flashes green and I open the door. All three dogs are crowded at the entrance, tails wagging and the tv show abandoned. Virtually given no choice, I invite the two stranger-acquaintances them in.
"Yes. Stupid Eric Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! My, you're just like him! With the shoe particulars and all." She slips off her shoes and squeals at the sight of the dogs. Hawk wastes no time in entertaining her. "If I didn't tell you already, I think you're perfect for him!"
I try not to grimace.
Axel enters the apartment with less fanfare. His usually bubbly mood is absent today, no doubt due to his concern for his friend. "So, are you and-"
Taya's squeal cuts Axel off. "Oh my gosh! Lucifer?! You watch him too?!" She rushes to the couches, plopping down immediately. "I thought I recognized his voice! Detective!" she swoons dreamily. Hawk shares her excitement, breaking out into zoomies around the living area. Gunner and Sabre follow shortly after. "Forget Eric, Anna, marry me instead!"
I blink.
I'll much prefer marrying the fictional character, thank you very much.
Axel saves me from her. "Hey Tay, remember the reason we came? Eric?" To me, he says quietly, "Sorry, she's crazy about the show."
I nod jerkily. "Yeah, I can tell."
"But it's Lucifer…" she whines, waving at the screen miserably. "Okay fine. But I'm staying here if you intend to go meet him." She turns the tv off and attempts to keep a straight face. Her efforts only last a second before she's distracted by the reckless, running dogs.
I sigh when Sabre knocks off all blankets from the couches.
Axel angles his body to me, officially keeping the conversation between the two of us. "Taya also drank a bit whilst searching for Eric. She's not usually this... you know," Axel says seriously. Outside I match his seriousness, but inside I'm cringing at how my home went from peace to chaos the moment she stepped in.
"Now, Eric's been avoiding us lately, and by the looks of it, you too. We just want to know if maybe something happened to both of you, or something happened to him."
I hesitate. "We were fine in Amity." Towards the end, at least. "He started acting like this when we arrived back here."
"And did you ask him why?"
I purse my lips. "No, I'm not on good terms with him right now."
If Axel is angry at my ignorance and lack of care, he doesn't show it. He shifts his weight, crossing his arms thoughtfully. After a few moments, he smiles in sympathy. "I know it isn't in my place, but could you tell me what it is? I trust your reasons are completely valid…" His smile falters a bit. My pupils narrow. "Unless of course, you're chea- oh, hi buddy." Sabre is nudging Axel's leg with his snout. "Oh, um, thanks." The man holds up the pink unicorn, confused. "This yours? It's cute."
I half-glare at the innocent dog. Did he not see that Axel was just about to accuse me? Since when did Pinky become a free handout? Sabre blinks back at me, tongue lolled out languidly. He's entrusted his favorite toy to five people here in Dauntless so far. One person more than when he was in Amity. This says a lot, as Amity is full of trustworthy, happy-go-lucky, people.
I begrudgingly accept the toy and pass it back to Sabre. He happily accepts, trotting away with a little skip in his step. "Fine. I think Eric's been using me."
Axel's brows pinch together. "What do you mean?"
This time it's harder to say it in front of Axel, because for once, I feel like an idiot. It was different with Skylar and Liam, much easier. I thought I had everything figured out, covered all the bases before bringing forth my case. But it was smacked down when Liam knocked some sense in me. He was surprisingly helpful, despite later admitting he had initially planned to hit on me when we first met. All he asked in return was more cookies and dog playtime. "He told me about his sister's death, and how he used sex and alcohol until he found me."
"Well shit."
"I don't know… I figured he's just been keeping me around to prevent him from thinking about her, you know?"
Dainty arms suddenly come from behind, wrapping tightly around my waist. I jerk but don't get far. "That's terrible Anna. I'm so sorry to hear that," Taya says dolefully. I cringe.
Axel clears his throat. "No, you're wrong. Eric's not using you."
The arms loosen. "He's not?" Taya is more confused than I am.
Axel glares pointedly. "Yes, he's not." When it seems he can't get it through her, he groans and pulls her away from me. He leads her to the sink, asking me if he could borrow a cup. I nod. He fills the cup with water and shoves it to her. "We discussed this, remember? Now, sober up and go talk to her."
Taya salutes comically, downing the cup quicker than initiates getting out of bed. She then starts slapping her face, grunting as one would before they wrestle.
Eric has some questionable friends.
"Now Anna, I'm sorry, but I need you to focus." Axel strolls up to me, pulling my attention away from the deranged woman and her sober-up routine. "Did anything happen to Eric to cause him to slip into SEPTSD?"
I grimace as Taya warms up her voice by singing in scales, then gasps at the wilting herbs. She shrieks at their condition, berating god and then thanking him for letting her save them just in time.
"Well, I assume Eric's PTSD originated from his sister's death…" Axel hums, urging me to continue. It's my selfish reason for not allowing myself to realize sooner. "So if I were to link correctly, Eric is beating himself over the death of my father."
Axel is thrown off. "That can't be right. Surely he of all people knew he couldn't have controlled what happened." Exactly what I told him back in Amity.
I turn my back to Axel, facing the dogs on the couches. Sabre is engrossed with Pinky, nuzzling and chomping the poor toy. The wolfdog could care less about the conversation. As long as everyone in his 'pack' is safe, he worries over nothing. Gunner, on the other hand, is watching me, his gaze steady and true. His unwavering faith scares me, as well as gives me strength.
"Except that the death of my father is somewhat his fault. The gun was aimed at Hawk. Stacy threatened to shoot again. And when Eric lunged for the gun, he did manage to knock it away from us. But…"
"But it hit your father instead?" Axel finishes. He probably would've known this had he not follow me out the other day. Stacy didn't mean to actually kill my father
I sigh. "Yes. He was so hung up over it during Amity, and I confronted him on it. I told him I don't blame him for it. And for a while, it seemed he believed me, until he came back." All this is my fault. Eric needs me the most now. He needs to know I'm fine with what he did.
And I can't believe I let him spiral down.
"Eric has always blamed himself for Elsa's death, it's no surprise he's back at it again with your father," Axel concludes.
"The position he just accepted… it's to distract him, isn't it?" I'm not sure why I asked, for I already know the answer. Axel's silence is all I need. "I'll go speak to him." I try to slip past him, but Eric's friend grabs my arm.
"Wait." He steps back. "Let me go speak with him. I think you should stay."
"What? No. Eric needs to know-"
Axel grabs my shoulders urgently, but patiently. "I understand, Anna. However, he has hurt you too. And as much as I do appreciate your offer, you weren't there when he first stumbled."
Taya nibbles the spoon of peanut butter. "So… you believe Eric is using you."
Axel had left to find Eric and insisted his accomplice stay put. The man had taken Gunner too, after I begrudgingly agreed the dog will prevent a fight from breaking out. I doubt Gunner would side Axel if a brawl did happen. My dog is loyal to only two people here so far – me and Eric.
Hearing Taya say it aloud sounds so stupid now. I hate to talk about it. "He told me okay? Maybe not flat out admitted, but the implications were there."
"You're right."
"And I didn't know any better, so stop jud-" I blink. "Sorry, what?"
Taya angles herself to me, completely serious. "You are correct. Eric was using you."
"Oh." Sabre peers up from my side, Pinky forgotten. "Oh." My hand weaves through his scruff distractedly. "Right."
I'm not sure what to think now.
She clears her throat. "Eh. The keyword is was. Eric did use you in the beginning. I assume he said he found watching you what? Therapeutic?" I nod. "That changed after he started taking an interest in you."
I frown skeptically. "Uh-huh…" The fact he was watching me to begin with, means he's already taken an interest. It's a straightforward, non-disputable conclusion. I'm unsure on where she's getting at. "When exactly… is that?"
She taps the spoon on her lip, contemplating. Of all the people Axel could've brought along, why Taya? I barely know her, vice versa. And I don't particularly like her. "Somewhere in the middle of initiation maybe?" She throws her hands in defeat, peanut butter on the spoon threatening to slip off. "Argh, I don't know. Eric doesn't tell us everything. Axel fished it out from him."
Nice, that isn't incredibly vague at all.
She bites a section of the peanut butter off. "Anyways, the point is. Eric took an interest in you before he'd even found out that you were her. Tell me, did anything change between you both after he found out? Like did he treat you better or something?"
These were the same questions Liam asked me. The same questions that made me realize how much of an idiot I've been. "No."
Taya points with the spoon. "Exactly. He was interested in you before he realized you were the same girl. And trust me when I say this: he isn't using you." When I don't say anything, she elaborates. "Because I would know if he was. We were friends with benefits remember?"
Now I see why Axel dropped her on me.
"Sure we had our fun, but that was all it was. He didn't cook for me, walk my imaginary dogs – who are cute as heck by the way – and whatever else Eric does for you." Her tone takes on a high pitch. "But don't get me wrong, I'm completely fine with it. You seem nice." I beg to differ. "Heck, you came from Amity for god's sake." … and I transferred out.
"And as much as it isn't our business, Axel and I are glad you're with him. So no, I don't think he's using you to forget about his past. In fact, it seems as if he's finally starting to move on." There's a small smile playing on her lips. I try not to cringe at her sappiness. Never in a million years would I have guessed I'll get along with Eric's sex buddy. So when I hear the genuine care in her tone, it completely catches me off guard.
She clears her throat, polishing off the last of the peanut butter. "Anyway, whatever happens between you and Eric is none of our business. We just came over because we were concerned for him. Eric had missed our Friday nights, refused to return our calls, and change his apartment keycode." Well that, is partially my fault. "This was our last resort."
I assure her it's fine, and we slip into silence.
Eric has always blamed himself for Elsa's death, it's no surprise…
Wait.
Why would Eric blame himself over his sister's death? It was still possible for the factionless to attack her even if he'd tagged along. "Hey um, was Eric… buff in his teens?"
"Nope. He was as scrawny as Erudites come." She chuckles to herself. "You should've seen him. He was practically the main character from Diary of the Wimpy Kid."
The both of them stood no chance against a group of adult males. Surely Eric realized his presence wouldn't have prevented the inevitable. He probably would've been killed were he there.
Then why?
Eric is smart, yet he beats himself over something that would've led to the same outcome either way. It's been years since she's passed. I highly doubt his reasoning is still as specious. There must be more to it.
And my father. I know Eric. Like me, he doesn't give two shits about ninety-nine percent of the Dauntless population. What more my father? He was merely collateral damage from Eric trying to save the people he cares for: me, Hawk, and himself. He doesn't have enough reason to explode as the three of us are still alive and well.
So, placed in the situation again, I doubt he would change anything.
Because in his place, I wouldn't.
"What do you think Axel is doing?" I ask. Half an hour has passed since he left. Still no sign of him. There's a possibility the men have talked it out and are having drinks, but something tells me otherwise.
Taya isn't worried at all. Her focus is on the TV show playing. I don't recall switching it on. "You know the usual." She waves a hand flippantly. "Axel's knocking some sense into him, yada yada. He'll probably get beat up in the process, but he's immune to it."
That sounds anything but comforting.
"And does he usually succeed? In talking to Eric down?" Hawk perks up from the other side of the couch, looking past Taya to me. He tilts his head as if frowning. Is my heart rate picking up?
Taya 'meh's and jiggles a flattened hand. "Rarely. But someone's gotta do it. Eric's stubborn as heck, and also incredibly irrational when it comes to this. In fact, Eric's…" She sighs dreamily, distracted by the main character shrugging off his jacket. Underneath it is a royal purple satin vest. Were I not caught up in trying to understand Eric, I would've swooned too.
I call her name. Taya turns to me, confused by my presence. "Oh, right. Sorry. I meant to say is... that... Eric's still in denial; hence, all the SEPTSD. He hates the word and refuses to acknowledge he has it, despite displaying all symptoms. Saying how we don't understand blah, blah."
"Has Eric ever said he blames himself over Elsa's death?"
Taya's face squeezes. "Probably. He doesn't talk about that day, storms off whenever we bring it up. You know him, it's Eric."
So he hasn't.
Meaning, he doesn't.
Eric hadn't shut off because he killed my dad. He shut off because he failed me. And my actions didn't give him a reason to think otherwise.
I'm such an idiot.
Gunner is happy to see me.
He stands outside Eric's office, looking completely out of place. Judging from the loud male voices, I can tell Gunner was kicked out from doing damage. He's unfazed by the escalating argument, not at all worried for the safety of the people inside. I wonder if one of the men had learned to speak dog to assure him there's nothing to worry about.
"I thought you liked Eric," I say accusingly. Gunner stares back with wide hazel eyes, tail wagging faster than deemed appropriate. "Your job is to protect the family, not just me." The dog's grin doesn't falter. Either he is bright enough to decipher the direness of a situation, or extremely distracted by the spoon of peanut butter. I move the spoon, unimpressed when his attention follows without delay. "Wait here."
"Anna."
At the sound of my name, Axel whips to face me. There's a blinding grin on him. "Honey Bun!" His enthusiasm doesn't hide the fact his face is red and popping with veins. It's a miracle he's still in one piece.
The men speak at the same time. "What are you doing here."
"Call her that again, and I'll rip your head off," Eric adds shortly after. He's seated behind his desk, looking just as infuriated as his friend. Though it has been days since I've properly looked at him, his appearance hasn't changed the slightest; other than the dark circles under his eyes. His face is still clean-shaven, his hair is still stupidly short, and his jacket is still cardboard stiff.
I fearlessly walk up to the desk, planting the bag of alcohol on the table. "I came to talk." I grab the pocket knife tucked in my back pocket. Placing it beside the bag, I turn to Axel. "Here."
He stares at the spoon of peanut butter. "Is that for me?"
I frown. "No. It's for the dog." His attention shifts up to find me completely serious. "It's for you to calm down before picking up Taya. Feeding the dog will calm you," I clarify. "Taya is glued to the screen, good luck on dragging her out of the apartment."
Axel gingerly accepts the spoon of jelly-absent substance. He exits the office without another word, shock and confusion as clear as day.
The second after the door closes, Eric speaks. "Who's apartment?"
I sigh and slump into the chair opposite him. "My apartment." Taya proclaimed that my apartment is the perfect environment for her. There's Lucifer, fluffy dogs, large couches, blankets, and a mysterious free flow of beer. It was all she claimed she needed to live a long happy life.
I hope she isn't taking her marriage proposal seriously.
Eric is displeased by the information. He connects the dots quickly. "Axel brought her along."
"They were just concerned for you," I lightly, taking my time unloading the bottle of beer and apple cider. They were taken from Eric's fridge. The sole reason being that it would've been way more time-consuming to detoured to the Pit. Taya noticed my return with the alcohol and demanded I get her some too. Lucky for me, she was too distracted to notice I took them from next door. No doubt I would've gotten an earful of gushes and complaints for knowing Eric's new keycode.
I'll replenish the stock later, once all this boils over.
Eric assumes his role as bottle opener, popping off the caps with a swift motion each. For a moment, everything feels right between us. It's so easy to slide back into each other. I don't realize how much I've missed him till now.
"Still a dick move, to intrude."
His response is amusing; I like it. "Agreed." He hands me my bottle, to which I wordlessly accept. The taste of the apple cider is familiar and comforting, albeit fizzy. My nose scrunches. "So… why aren't you running away?"
He shrugs and takes a swing. Unlike me, he doesn't wince at the bitter taste. "It's been a long week."
"Agreed." The nights haven't been kind to me, neither have the days. I can't recall a single day this past week where I had a decent sleep. Work has been crap; everything had piled up when I was away at Amity. I had to make a trip to Abnegation the other day. And though Marcus wasn't around, it was difficult to acquaint with Andrew Prior. He looked almost displeased to learn I was a female leader (I could be reading into it too much). I'm tempted to bring Gunner along on my next trip just because I can.
The much-needed conversation is initiated by Eric, somewhat.
"I haven't done anything to Polly, if that's why you're here."
"Who?"
An eyebrow lifts. He places the bottle down and picks up a metal cap. "The girl you beat up in the supermarket?"
"Oh." Of all the names in the world, the girl with a nose ring and green hair went for a name pigs call their parrot. I idly wonder if she was obsessed with Peppa Pig growing up. "You did a background check on her?"
He replies calmly, bottle cap twisting between fingers. "Ranked average in initiation and dismissed from the patrol team last year due to her unruly behavior. Permission to kick her to the fence," he says in all seriousness. The cheek of this man.
It should've irritated me, but I find it oddly endearing. "No," I reply in mustered sternness. Part of me wants to burst out laughing at his fervent suggestion. "It's what she's expecting, and I'm not here for her. I came to apologize."
He leans back on his chair, cap discarded in exchange for the bottle. "Are you sure it's not the other way around?" For a person who's gone through a hellish week, he sure doesn't seem like it.
I sip on the cider, swishing it in my mouth before swallowing. "Why? Did you eat all the almond cake without telling me it arrived?" I ask jokingly. He chokes on the beer. I grab the tissue box for him. Wait. "You did, didn't you." First he eats all the cookies, then he eats all the cake. Rascal. "You ordered three! How could you have finished all of it already?"
He quickly sticks out a palm after chucking the tissues in the bin. "Hey! At least I didn't steal your goods." As if I didn't understood what he meant, he shakes the bottle in his grasp.
My jaw drops. "How did you…?" His lip quirks. Dammit. "Well, at least I'm splitting the spoils! And I was planning to replenish later!"
"Who says I wasn't going to do the same?" he replies mockingly. "I was only giving the cakes the appreciation they deserve. They don't deserve to be eaten by someone who regards them as edible dirt."
The sass.
Did I really voice my opinion aloud the other day? He smirks at my glare. "Dick."
"I have one, yes. Above-average too." Wink.
This man is insufferable.
A/N
Been busy with extra classes. Sorry for the delay!
