Loki ran his hands over his face when the door to his mother's personal chambers closed. She would be the death of him one day; it was foolish to think otherwise. She would be the one to kill him. As his punishment for some horrible, stupid, selfish mistake he would inevitably make.
Listlessly waving a couple of fingers, semi-formal wear replaced his disheveled attire. He'd at least maintain some sense of composure as he addressed the meathead. Where had the brute run off to, anyway? An eyebrow rose.
He could only check a few places before moving on. Say he couldn't find Thor and shrug it off. He honestly held no desire to speak with his brother at the moment. Or any moments. Thor made his own decisions and could be held responsible for them. His tongue ran around the inside of his mouth.
The scars may not appear, but they were still there.
Was he expected to just forget what happened? Forget that someone who called themselves his brother bent over him and sewed his mouth closed? His jaw hinged and unhinged. He hated admitting it, but that agonizing experience ranked up there with losing Aura the first time.
Aura...Aura would be upset with him if he skipped speaking with Thor and didn't keep his word. He sighed. She already suspected something was amiss with him. As did his mother, of course. He supposed he'd have to keep his word to her, too, and confess his plagues to Aura.
His beloved's words weren't lost on him. She didn't mean anything towards him, but he still took what she said to heart. She didn't like lying, didn't like pretending. Which, in turn, meant she wouldn't like liars or pretenders. He qualified as both. So, then, why was she with him? Did she not think he was either of those things? He was very much both of those things.
A shadow glimmered in his peripherals. Danced with a flicker of green.
His gaze lifted. Eyes slightly narrowing when he saw nothing. His hands rubbed his face again. He had to let the demon from its cage, didn't he? But it had been right about one thing. He did fear Aura's rejection. He'd pursued her for so long.
The mischief god slumped against the door with a long exhale. The whole thing sickened him. Quite literally. His stomach sought devouring him from the inside out. His chest still pounded from the dream and/or alternate reality…whatever his demon tried convincing him it was. He lifted a shaking hand. Slowly closed his fingers. What had he done?
No. He would not succumb to the trap of self-pity. It weakened his state of mind and fed the shadows lurking within him. He shoved himself off the door. Steeled his gaze. The one he cared for most assigned him a task. Whether he liked it or not, he'd make sure he saw it through.
He set his feet in motion before he could reason himself out of his decision. Because he knew it wouldn't take much reasoning to change his mind. The holes outlining his mouth the biggest contender. His tongue subconsciously felt the inside of his lips.
At least he didn't have to search for very long. In fact, all he did was turn the corner.
Thor leaned against the wall, his head hung.
Loki paused. Here was his last chance to say no. He had an idea of how this encounter would go. And he must say, he wasn't a fan. Did he really want to go through with this? He glanced back towards his mother's door. Set his jaw. Yes, he did. But he wouldn't proceed without caution. His left hand waved, a field of magic settling around them. The meathead could be careless. "Thor."
The thunder god's head lifted. Eyes widening with both joy and fear, he straightened. "Loki! It has, it has been so long. I—" He cut himself short. Searched the man before him then the floor. "M-may I hug you?"
He crossed his arms. His tone curt. "I think not."
Nodding, he dropped to one knee. Kept his head lowered. "Then allow me to beg for your forgiveness. I know I do not deserve it, with what I did to you. But you should know I did not want to do it."
"Then why did you?"
"I," Thor sounded confused, "I had no choice. Father would have made me kill you if I refused—"
"So you'd rather sew my mouth shut as I writhed beneath you, unable to breathe? You'd rather see me dragged to prison than stand against Odin? How long did you assume I'd live before I died of starvation? Before I died of dehydration? Or did that fate not occur to you? If it wasn't for Mother, I'd be dead after a period of torture. Is that what you wanted?"
His eyes squeezed shut. "Nay…I would never want that for you. I-I do not know what to say. You must believe me that I had no choice."
Loki's volume rose much higher than he meant. "There is always a choice, Thor! And you chose to betray the one you call brother." Nostrils flaring, he ran a hand through his hair, turning his back on the other. Thankful for the arcane barrier.
Asgard's prince fell onto his hands and both knees. His voice cracking as he fought back tears. "I-I know. I know I made the wrong decision. I know I allow Father too much away over me. I have regretted it from the moment it happened. I know I was wrong. Please, Loki. You cannot fathom how apologetic I am."
He rolled his neck. Calmed his spike of emotion and glanced over his shoulder. The brute seemed genuine enough. Lying was never the other's strong suit. But his arms remained crossed.
"Here." Thor pulled a knife from a sheath attached to his belt. Offered it hilt first. "I deserve no mercy."
The trickster god gradually glanced about. Fully turned around. His aloof tone maintained. "What am I supposed to do with that?"
He dared a glance up. "I know, I know it is inferior to the ones you prefer, but I know you can make it suffice."
This was new. He hesitated. How long had the other been carrying that around? It was no secret his brother preferred Mjolnir and fists above all else. Had the more barbaric of them put more thought into this conversation than he had? And he honestly desired being stabbed? "Thor…"
The blonde's resolve hardened. "I deserve no mercy."
"Thor—"
"Do it. Please."
"I don't think—"
"I do not care what you think," the thunder god roared, offering the weapon closer. "Just do it."
Loki stepped away. "No."
"I am not asking; I am telling. Please. Do it."
"I'm still saying no."
Thor rose, seizing one of his brother's hands and clamping it on the knife's handle. "You have never had an issue stabbing me before. If you can do it for fun, why can you not do it when I ask?"
"Because it's only fun when you're not expecting it. It's only fun when it inconveniences you. You can't just…demand a stabbing."
His eyes closed. "Then do it at a moment of your choosing. I will not watch, so I will not expect it. If anyone deserves your wrath, it is I."
Loki's tone flustered. "What? No. That's, that's not how this works. I'm not hurting you simply because you ask for it. Besides, Odin's the one who deserves my wrath. Not you."
"Do it," Thor yelled, pulling himself toward the blade.
Eyes darting over the situation, he sealed the weapon away in his pocket dimension. Held up empty hands and backed several paces. "Look. No more knife. Stop this nonsense."
He stumbled forward with his momentum.
The Jotunn advanced and caught him from falling.
Thor embraced him. Silently wept on his brother's shoulder.
Loki sighed. Patted the other on the back. "I'm glad to see your stupidity hasn't changed."
He sniffed. "Stupidity?"
An amused register surfaced. "Yes, you idiot. You should definitely know by now that you can't force me to do something I don't want to do. You should know not to challenge me."
"But why? Why will you not stab me? I am the one who blindly follows Father's orders. I have long desired rising against him. Especially after learning of his latest schemes. But I cannot. Still, I call him Father. Even after learning that he does not treat me like a son. I am but a tool for his wicked plans. I am not like you. I cannot rebel so easily. And it has nearly cost me you. I-I can never forgive myself."
His eyes unfocused as he continued holding his brother. Stared blankly at the far corridor wall. "Odin took everything from me. Nothing ties me to him. I had no choice but to rebel. He wanted a monster. In the end, I fulfilled his prophecy. I became what he created. As did you. He wanted a fiercely loyal, legitimate son. Wanted someone who'd do the right thing in his eye. He got that with you."
Thor's grip on him tightened. Then he released. Cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. "I have, I have not been doing the right things as of late. There is something I must confess to you."
One of Loki's brows rose. "Proceed."
"While you were in prison…I was beside myself at what I had done. I became a drunkard. And in my drunkenness, I continued betraying you."
"What did you do…?"
The thunder god's neck reddened. "I, uh, I kissed, well, I kissed Aura."
The chaos god's eyes narrowed. "In what context?"
He fell onto his knees once more. "I am so sorry. If I had known it was her—nay, it mattered not. No matter who the maiden could have been, I acted inappropriately. I truly meant her no harm. I foolishly allowed my drunkenness the better of me. I—"
Loki materialized one of his daggers. Slipped the blade under Thor's chin and tilted his head up with it. His voice darkened. "In what context, Thor? Are you the one who robbed her of her innocence? Are you the one who plagues her dreams? She told me the cretin who attacked her was named Nafni. Do you know what Nafni means? It means 'name.' Did she tell me that to protect you?"
Thor searched the man standing above him. His voice desperate. "If I admit to such crimes, will you finally unleash your justice upon me?"
"I want only the truth." He bent at the waist, emerald gaze boring into the other. "Heimdall beheaded her assailant, yes? You still have yours. Unless I've been lied to. Tell me your context."
His eyes watered. "I engaged in a tavern brawl. I was victorious. In my inebriated excitement, I grabbed the nearest maiden I saw and kissed her. It happened to be your love. But that was all that happened. I would never harm her or another maiden in such a vile way. I have been playful with maidens before, but I could never commit such an atrocity."
"I will admit, victory kissing another being is practiced in many cultures. However." The dagger remained in place. "I want to know how Aura responded."
"She, well, she grew fearful. She ran away from the Warrior's Three and I. Hogun told me not even he could keep up with her. She is very quick and nimble on her feet. But this is where I have failed. If I had remained cognizant of my actions, she would not have rightfully fled, and she...she would have been safe."
"Why didn't she tell me this?"
"I begged her not to say anything. If anyone told you, I wanted it to be me. I made a mistake, and I wanted to take responsibility for it. This is also why I take responsibility for what happened to her. Do you see why it is my fault? Will you stab me now?"
Loki searched the sincerity of the blue eyes under him. "No." Vanishing the weapon, he straightened. Crossed his arms. "If I hadn't foolishly attacked Odin and been captured, none of this would've happened. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine."
"You could have killed me just now, and I would not have fought you."
He glanced at the still-kneeling man through the corners of his eyes. The weight of Thor's statement not lost on him. It bothered him more than it should. He looked away. Or maybe he didn't want to admit how much he actually cared for the blockhead. Regardless, he wouldn't allow the other to dwell in self-pity, either. "I wish I could tell you the number of times I could've killed you over the years. I stopped keep track, honestly, because of how easy of a target you present yourself. If I truly wanted you dead, you'd be dead."
Thor slightly grinned, but he stayed in place, his arms limp at his sides. "You are a skilled assassin. And I would have deserved your blade even back then. I knew of Aura's banishment, and I did nothing about it. I did not understand she was your love, but I knew you fought for her. I assumed it was on Mother's behalf."
"Believe me, I know you knew. It was one of the many reasons I loathed you so much. In my arrogance, I assumed you knew I loved her but didn't care for my feelings. Apparently, I was mistaken in that regard."
The thunder god fell on his rear. Rubbed his face with his hands. "I am so tired, brother. I have been of good spirits, though my heart is heavy. Father assigns me on mission after mission, so I can restore peace unto the Realms. He makes me train more, take more lessons on the ways of Asgard. I ensure Mother and Aura's safety. Mjolnir has become a curse." He looked around himself. "It is as if everything is falling apart, and nothing I do is good enough to stop it."
Loki remained silent. Remained facing away. He had been there. Knew that feeling all too well. He always reasoned Thor would never have a chance to feel that way. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't feel smug about the situation. With a long exhale, he sat next to his brother. Half-heartedly attempted a mischievous tone. "Well. I'm free. So, there is a bright side to your dull situation."
Thor rested his head on the other's shoulder. "If you hated me so much, why did you never kill me?"
He blinked at the direct question. Stared straight ahead until he dropped his gaze. His right hand playing with his left palm. What did he say that wouldn't betray himself? "It's as I said. If I truly wanted you dead, you wouldn't be here."
"That does not answer my question."
"What would you have me say?"
"The truth."
"I," the Jotunn paused. Sighed. "I have never truly hated you, Thor. I have been, at times, jealous and egotistical. But I have never hated you. I am aware those words may have slipped out before. However, I never meant them. Maybe in a fit of emotion but not in my heart. You, you are my brother. Even if I didn't know how to show it at times. I've always loved you."
Thor wrapped his arms around the other, openly weeping into his shoulder. He sputtered incoherent words. Tightened his bear hug.
Loki humored him for a bit. Then lifted his eyes toward the ceiling. "Okay. I think that's enough." He patted Thor's head when the crying didn't cease. "Come now, you blubbering buffoon. There's no need to be so sentimental."
"I-I cannot help it." He sniffed, wiping off his face. "I am so tired, and I no longer have control over myself."
"I know I'm going to regret this, but I have something that might cheer you up. Aura is joining me for dinner tonight."
Thor immediately straightened. His tone serious. "A casual dinner? Or a formal dinner?"
Loki shrugged, trying to be as nonchalant as he could. "May be casual. May be formal."
He brightened. "You are officially courting her, then?"
"If she'll have me."
"This is most joyous news, brother! What will you be wearing? It better not be that."
He glanced down at the streamlined leather with hints of protective armor. "What's wrong with this?"
"You always wear green and gold."
"Yes. It's called aesthetic. And my staple."
"You should do something different. It will show her how much you care for her."
Loki's eyebrows lifted, and he leaned back. "Excuse me, but I would like the meathead back, please. Since when are you an expert in romance?"
It was Thor's turn to shrug. "Do what you wish, but I am suggesting you surprise her. She deserves more than the usual 'aesthetic.'"
"While you're right, I'm still offended."
"She spent quite a bit of time on Midgard. Maybe try their attire?"
He frowned. "She doesn't have good memories of that Realm."
"Nor does she have good memories of this one. What about Jotunn clothing?"
"Their fashion is essentially fur loincloths. I'm not traipsing about the palace in that."
Thor elbowed him. "Leaves little to the imagination and something to be desired. Am I right, little brother?"
Loki swatted him away. "Would you shut up? I need something sophisticated, elegant."
"You could try women's clothing."
"I swear I will stab you in two seconds...are you wanting to be helpful or not?"
The thunder god held up his hands. "I will forever keep the secret of you trying on Mother's gowns."
His eyes slightly widened then narrowed. "How do you know about that?"
"You are not the only sneaky one, Brother. Do not fret; you looked very flattering. Though, I do suppose your more feminine frame helps with that." He elbowed him again.
He checked himself over once more. "What's wrong with my frame?"
Thor's joyous register returned as he laughed. "You have always been quite thin. I constantly worry about you snapping like a twig on the battlefield."
"I could snap you like a twig, and I don't need your obnoxious muscle to do so."
He wrapped an arm around the other's shoulders. "You wear what you like to dinner. I am sure Aura will love it."
Loki's expression blanked, and his lips thinned. "Except for what I'm wearing now, right?"
"Well..."
He sighed. "See, I knew telling you about dinner was a bad idea, but I went and did it anyway."
"What if you consulted Mother about Alfheim styles?"
His head tilted. "Aura's never been to Alfheim or seen a light elf, outside of Mother. Well, last I knew. It may have no significance to her."
"I think she will know. Mother has told me her kind are sensitive to their culture. They know others are light elves simply by being next to them. Aura may recognize the outfit and feel more at ease, even if she is unsure why."
One of his eyes squinted. "This is too smart for you. How'd you come by such information? Did Mother put you up to this?"
Thor's eyes widened. "Nay. I only learned of your dinner after you told me. I explained that I have been learning more. Part of such studies have included politics and connecting with others."
"I'm not telling you I'm impressed..."
He grinned. "All is well. I see it on your face." The smile slowly faded. "I genuinely believed I had lost you forever."
Loki's gaze darted to him, and his brows knitted.
"I hoped you would find a way out of prison. Part of me knew you would be freed in one way or another. But most of me assumed you would despise me when you escaped. I watched every shadow, followed every serpent. I knew it could very well mean my death, but I desired nothing more than making amends with you."
"I would be lying if I didn't say the only reason I started this conversation was because of Aura. She asked that I speak with you. I, I told her you're lucky that I love her."
He allowed a short laugh. "Aye." His chest rose and fell with a deep breath. "Why can it not be simple, like when we were children?"
"Nothing about my childhood was simple."
"For that, I am very sorry, as well." Thor's expression saddened as he fell silent for some time. He finally looked back up. "I did hope you might find me and kill me."
Loki frowned. Tried offering a lighter mood. "Well, it's a good thing you're thick-headed and I don't do what I'm told." He stood. "Come."
He searched the other. "Where?"
"There's a couple of Mother's dresses I think you'd look good in."
A gradual grin overcame him as he found his footing. "I think I prefer the Jotunn fashion."
He nudged him, leading him down the hall. "If I ever, and I mean ever, see you in a fur loincloth, I will stab you. And then my eyes."
Thor's hearty laughter emerged once more. "I shall woo everyone with my manly physique! Including you and your blindness. No one shall resist me!"
"For the love of the gods, Brother, please do shut up..."
