Disclaimer: I don't own anything Mavel
Chapter 38
Where We Stand
It was too late to meet up with the other that night so Anna went to a room provided to her by T'Challa. The young woman was so tired that she actually slept for once after a mission. After all the bad that had happened recently, nobody was dead. Rhodey was extremely hurt, but he was alive, nonetheless. She knew where Bucky was. She knew he was okay. Things weren't great, but things could've been a whole lot worse.
It was a wonderful dreamless sleep too. There were no nightmares. No weird dreams that made her wonder what the hell was wrong with her subconscious. No dreams that made her long for something that she could never have.
The next morning Anna lingered in the large room she'd been provided. She had to admit that the view from the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the jungle surrounding the building built into the mountain was extraordinarily beautiful. She stood there waiting to figure out what exactly to do next. She didn't know her way around. She didn't know where Steve or Bucky or even Rey were. She hoped T'Challa would be there soon to escort her where she needed to go. That or have him send someone to get her and do the same.
She heard the automatic door open and someone walked in. Anna didn't turn. Wakanda was a safe place. Most likely the safest in the world. The person was most likely T'Challa, one of his people, or Steve. Whomever it was, they'd make themselves known and what they wanted.
The person cleared their voice before giving a small, hesitant, "Morning."
Now that voice wasn't one Anna suspected. She turned on her heel to face the man wearing all white. It was a stark contrast to his dark features. She gave him a small, cautious smile. He may have been the last person she expected, but he was the only person she really ever wanted to appear. "Good morning, Bucky."
Bucky nodded to her as he slowly made his way over to the window as well. He was in the same sort of position she was with about six feet apart. His metal arm was missing, and he had a few cuts and bruises on his skin, but nothing that looked too concerning. His posture was too straight, and his good arm had his hand clenched so tightly that his knuckles were starting to turn white. He kept clenching his jaw making the outside of his cheeks twitch.
"How," Bucky muttered, "How are you?"
Anna had to think about her answer a moment before she answered. "I'm really happy you're okay," she answered, glancing back out the window. The silent "but" hanging in the air.
"It's awkward as hell?" he tried to finish for her.
Anna smiled softly again and chuckled. She'd missed hearing his voice. And of course he was swearing. Bucky almost had a worse mouth than Anna. "You could say that," she said with an added nodd.
"What even is our life?" Bucky signed, running a hand through his long hair.
"Honey, your guess is as good as mine," Anna said with a sign. "I think the bigger question is what will our lives be now."
"It's a lot to take in," Buck muttered.
Anna just bit her lip and nodded. The way he'd said that did not sound promising to her. That news made her close in on herself more, wrapping her arms around herself tightly. She'd always thought about Bucky rejecting her, but now that he was there with her it was become so much more real.
"But I don't think it's the end," he added after a moment of watching Anna's reaction.
Anna's head snapped back up to her husband. "Even after everything you read? What I did?"
"I think, at the core of everything, you had the right intentions. And who am I to judge? After all the shit I've done. I can't cast stones," Bucky said.
"I know how it feels to do those things, to want to do them. It's you, but at the same time it isn't," Anna said. "But it is. It's nearly impossible to explain to anyone that hasn't had it happen to them."
Bucky nodded, but it was clear neither of them wanted to really get into the horrors that they'd done. There was plenty of time to work through everything they'd been through. He moved over to the cofa in the room, and Anna followed, sitting a cushion away.
"What is it you want, Anna?"
The question was a bit odd. "I just want you to be happy, Buck," she answered, leaving herself out of the question in case that was what he wanted. She didn't want to get her hopes up too high.
"Hey, come on. Don't pull that crap with me. What do you really want?" Bucky pressed.
The answer was simple. "You," she said immediately. "That answer will always be you."
"Even if I'm not the same man I was when you married me?" he cautiously asked.
"I'm not the same person you married either, Bucky. How do you feel?" she asked back, turning more to face him.
"Like I spent one lifetime normal, and the other lifetime under water. Now the third brings me back to life?"
"I meant about us," Anna clarified.
"That's part of it. The whole thing is spread across all three lives. Every day I have to go through my head and decide which part was a dream or real," he went on. "I want to," he hesitated, glancing up at her before back out the windows in front of them, "I want to try and be more like the man you loved."
Her heart felt like it was about to beat out of her chest. As calmly as she could, Anna moved onto the cushion that was separating them and gently placed her hand over his one remaining hand. She didn't want to trigger him to close off with her actions. He may have said he wanted to give this a shot, but that didn't mean they were ready for a big step with physical contact.
Bucky's blue eyes shifted back up to Anna, but there wasn't a smile on his face like she'd hoped there would be. "I don;t know how to get back to that man," he admitted.
"I don't know either," she said. "But I'm not going anywhere. Even if we can't get those people back."
"Maybe these new people can make it work," he said, a small uplift in the corner of his eyes from the ghost of a smile that was gracing his lips.
"I'm all in if you are," she promised.
"Only if you accept an icicle for a husband," he said.
"Well, you know me, I always get too hot when I go to sleep. Having my own personal cooler might help with that," she teased, causing him to smile just a bit more. Not only did it look genuine, it made her feel as if he was actually opening up to her.
Bucky snorted and shook his head. "Happy to help?"
"Oh, you better."
"It might take some time to get back into the swing of things," he added, getting back a little serious once again.
"I expected nothing less," Anna said. "There's no handbook or us to read to help us get through this. It'll take time. But we can do it. Together." She squeezed his hand tighter, receiving a squeeze back.
"I might get cranky."
"Well, you are an old man," Anna teased again. "But I might just get cranky back."
"So we can be the grouchy ones."
"Mhm, that old couple that always kicks the kids off their lawn," Anna went along.
"Get angry when bing night gets cancelled."
Anna feigned a dramatic gasp. "Not bingo night! Only thing that could make it worse would be to cancel bridge night too."
"Sorry, doll. Just got the call from the senior center."
Anna just smiled, staring at him. "You called me doll," Anna stated. This was the happiest she'd been in a long time. And it all came from one little word.
"Is that a problem?" Bucky asked, his hand lightening up on his hold on her own.
She squeezed back reassuringly. "Not at all."
"Not too soon?"
"Bucky, honey, you're my husband. I was ready for you to tell me you never wanted to see me again. So I'll definitely take my pet name."
"I really lucked out with you," he told her. "I have an amazing wife."
"I'm really glad you think so."
"How could I not? You've done so much for me," he told her.
"I-I knew you were going to die though, and I-"
"Stayed by my side," he interjected.
"But-"
"You gave me happiness."
He was just going to keep stubbornly correcting her. There was no point in protesting any further. "And I fell in love with you before I even realized."
"So how could it be wrong?" Bucky said.
"I suppose I just feel guilty," Anna said.
"Why?"
"Because I still knew, and I-"
"Anna, there was no way you could've stopped it. Nothing you'd say would've stopped me from getting on that train," Bucky said.
"Doesn't mean I feel good about it," Anna said.
"Well, do you feel good now?"
"You've always made me feel good. Like everything else doesn't matter," Anna clarified.
"Maybe that's because it doesn't. Unless we say it does," he said.
"And what matters to you?" she asked.
"You," he answered immediately. "Steve. I guess humanity's survival."
"Yeah, that's important sometimes," Anna chuckled.
"But it's mostly you, followed by Steve," he repeated.
Anna removed her hand from his and moved it up to his scruffy cheek to caress. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," he said, placing his hand over her own. "What about you?"
"You know the answer to that," she said with a smirk, scratching at the scruff.
"That feels good," he informed his wife.
"Oh yeah?" Anna giggled as she continued to do so.
Bucky smiled down at her, but just as quickly as it came, it dropped off his face. He took her hand in his and off his face. He didn't let go though. He kept his hold on her though, holding her hand in his lap. "There's something I have to tell you," he said. "I already told Steve, but-"
"Buck, whatever you have to say, it's okay," Anna said.
"Whatever programming Hydra put in my head is still there. T'Challa said they should be able to get it out, but until then I think...I think it's best if I get put back under."
Anna's smile fell from her own face as well. She refused to let go of his hand though. "Is this what you want?"
Bucky nodded. "I refuse to be used like that again," he said. "I don't want to be a danger to anyone. To you."
"Did he say how long it'll take?" Anna pressed.
"Few days. A few weeks at most," Bucky answered. "Are you okay with this?"
"I've waited years to get you back," Anna said. "I can wait a few more weeks."
Everything was sterile and white. It was unsettling, but then again, the whole situation she was in was unsettling to the young woman in her twenties. Bucky was sitting on the table with Anna and Steve in front of him as he waited to be put under the ice again.
"You sure about this?" Steve asked.
"I can't trust my own mind. So, until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head, I think going back under is the best thing for everybody," Bucky answered. He turned his eyes to Anna and gave a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Will you wait?"
Anna stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Always," she whispered in his ear.
