cw: abuse, drug abuse, suggestive themes
just a heads up that i obviously added some content warnings like i did in the past (which are a few more than usual) but there is nothing explicit or super detailed. although it's pretty much implications and hints at this type of stuff, i want to be safe and inclusive!
anyway, happy reading :)
"You're too busy talking over me to hear what I'm saying,
You're too high to realize I see the smile that you're faking,
You're so into yourself
Everyone else is so overrated and everything's changing
Is your heart worth breaking?
One-sided, one-sided, one-sided love"
~ blackbear, "1 SIDED LOVE"
Chapter 33: Wanted
"I like that you make me feel wanted."
It'd been an admission of feelings she wasn't sure she had to share, but she did anyway. Another step towards being vulnerable and open, right? They hadn't been doing anything in particular, just sitting side-by-side on her bed and watching some random tv show on her laptop they'd chosen. All he'd done was throw an arm around her and bring her closer, running his fingers through her hair.
It'd been sort of a fleeting thought, a spoken response to the way his presence and natural displays of affection made her feel. Maybe it was simply because this was her first romantic relationship beyond a measly crush growing up, maybe it was because she hadn't known what it was like to be given the kind of attention that had her stomach doing flip-flops and heart pounding in her chest. Sometimes it was as simple as seeing the way he looked at her when she met his gaze, other times it was much more intimate than that like when his gray-blues seemed to pierce her from beneath the sheets and his hands were gripping her body like it was a lifeline.
That morning in August, before Jess had boarded the plane back to Central City, had been the one and only time she'd been under the influence of stardust. That wasn't to say she needed to be under the influence of anything — the substance made the entire experience different, sure, but the common thread was the same: it always left her feeling desired, even needed. Stardust or alcohol or neither, Kade treated her as if she were the only girl he cared about and the only thing he had (as cliche as it sounded) with the arm that held her close or the fingers that wrapped around her neck. Strangely, moments like this made her feel small and almost fragile in his hands, as if he could easily break her.
He always did, though, in the best way. Every time, it was a reminder that he had this kind of control over her mind, her body, her entire being. Every single time, he swallowed her whole, bringing her to a place where she was just surrounded by him and only him, vulnerable to his rough treatment.
And this moment was no different. She could taste a hint of blood on her bottom lip as she stared up at the bedroom ceiling, waiting for her breathing to slow. Her body was so warm under the sheets, a thin layer of sweat on her skin. Beside her, Kade was rolling over to face her and brush strands of hair away, his own locks an endearing, floppy mess across his forehead. His thumb found its way to her lip, gently, which was in contrast to what he'd been doing previously.
"Sorry," he told her with a knowing grin.
"It's nothing for you to be sorry about," Jess answered, returning the smile before slipping out from under the sheets and heading to her bathroom.
Minutes later, she was wearing his t-shirt, curling up next to him on her bed. That meant he was shirtless and only wearing his pants, thumbing through his phone. Her limbs were tired — and would probably be a bit sore tomorrow — as she yawned and then kissed his warm, bare shoulder.
In their casual talk, he brought up her upcoming tryout for the local, recreational hockey season for the winter. It had actually been Misty's idea; she'd mentioned it, urging Jess to think about joining. The teen's initial reaction had been one rooted in hesitation and uncertainty, particularly because it'd been years since she'd played on a team like that.
"So?" Misty had said. "You liked doing it as a kid, and it's not like this is super competitive. It's literally just a bunch of other local high school girls like you."
Then Damian had brought up a good point: it would be a good way to rekindle one of the handful of things that had brought her joy growing up. Even if she'd hung up her skates after the car accident, this could be her chance to get back into a hobby she'd loved. Sure, it would take some effort to get back into that competitive headspace and familiarize herself again with everything about the game, but it was supposed to be like riding a bike, right?
"If you need help buying gear—" he'd started to offer.
"No," Jess had immediately declined, giving him a stern look and receiving his raised brow. "I've got enough to get myself an entire, new set of equipment, Dami. And even if I did need help, I'd ask my aunt."
She knew he'd meant well and appreciated his willingness to make things easier for her, but Jess had informally promised him that she wouldn't let him pay for many things or do favors for a while… not when he'd done so much for her already.
"You ever get into a fight with other players?" Kade asked her, the corner of his mouth lifted in a devious grin.
Laughing a little, Jess played with the stuffed octopus legs as she answered, "Only twice. The first time, I was only jumping in 'cause my teammate and this other girl got into it. And the second time, this girl body checked me, which really pissed me off, so I shoved her away."
"Not gonna lie — the idea of you getting into a fight is kinda hot." His gray-blue eyes twinkled, making her roll her own and chuckle again.
"Hate to break it to you, but I'm not all that into the fights and drama. I've played with girls who were really meant to be the ones swinging fists. And body checking is actually not even allowed, especially in the league. It's fine for men's hockey though."
"Well, whatever does happen, consider me your number one fan in the bleachers, hm?"
She felt the smile breaking out on her face, not bothering to suppress it. The imaginary scenarios of him sitting on the sidelines, cheering her on, wearing team colors, scooping her up into his arms after a win were enticing for sure. Deep down, Jess knew that playing the sport again would be much different than it'd been in the past, but she had to remember that she did have people who would be there to support her. Even if it wasn't going to be her parents anymore… that didn't mean there weren't others who would care and be around.
"I think I could deal with that," she joked before resting her head against his shoulder.
She was more than willing to experience that.
"What the heck is this? Blood?"
Before he could react, Jess's fingers were grasping his wrist to turn his hand over. From where he sat on the couch in Misty's living room, he had to fight the automatic reflex to pull away — Damian watched his friend's brows furrow at the small, colored marks on his skin.
"Once you open your present, you'll see," he replied smoothly, still letting her examine his hand. There were odd sensations simmering in the places where she had touched him.
"You're telling me you bled for my birthday present?" She raised a brow, hazel irises bright with teasing and curiosity.
He couldn't help rolling his eyes. "No, I didn't."
"Good, 'cause I don't know how I'd feel about you literally bleeding for me… Although the fact that you kept it at home makes me really curious."
He hadn't brought her gift for two reasons: the first being that it was fragile, too precious to be transported more than once when it could easily travel from the manor to her dorm. Secondly, he wanted to give it to her in private and away from other eyes; Damian had never cared for making his gestures and gifts some kind of show to be watched by many others. This unwritten preference wasn't applicable to every situation, but it was a requirement for this one… especially this one.
Glancing at his watch, Damian noted the time with mild annoyance. Kade was fifteen minutes late, and neither Misty nor Jess seemed to care as much as he did. Perhaps it was just because of the way he valued time and punctuality — whatever the case, the blond's apparent excuse regarding "getting caught up in something" did not sit well with the former assassin.
He showed up several minutes later though when Misty and Damian were in the kitchen, prepping the materials to bake the cake. From where he could see into the living room, the young man caught Kade wrapping his arms around Jess's shoulders and kissing the top of her head — Damian read "Happy birthday, babe" from his lips before he bent down and whispered something in her ear, making her flush pink and swat his arm. Kade was grinning playfully at her as she scolded him then turned her eyes to the kitchen as if to see whether anyone had witnessed or heard the exchange.
Yet Jess would have seen Damian through the entryway, minding his business and his own gaze trained on the mixing bowl in front of him while Misty said something… though he did not hear a word she said and his thoughts were anywhere but on the task at hand.
He'd just cracked eggs and dumped them into the bowl when Kade entered, coolly greeting, "What's up, guys?"
"'Sup, loser," Misty responded from where she was pushing the oven buttons to preheat it.
"Wayne."
Damian looked over to see Kade extending a hand but then glanced pointedly at his fingers covered in yolk.
"Oh," the teen said, brows raising in interest and dropping his hand. "We've got Chef Wayne over here, huh?"
"It's just a cake." Jess was at his side then with a slight smile. "I wouldn't call him a chef for reading the back of the box, but he makes some good stuff from scratch otherwise."
"Only because you hardly know how to boil water."
Both Kade and Misty burst out snickering at Damian's offhand comment while Jess's mouth dropped open. She feigned a scowl though it was clear she was attempting to withhold her own laughter.
"Rude! Next time I'm in the kitchen while you're cooking, you're boiling the water on your own."
"Oh, however will I manage without you?"
"I dunno. You tell me."
She met his gaze, her eyes seeming to twinkle — was there another meaning hidden…? He didn't have a chance to interpret the moment because Misty was soon complaining about the kitchen being crowded. Kade moved to leave with Jess until Misty demanded that he help with the cake. At that, Damian noted that something so simple did not require three pairs of hands and that it would be done quickly anyway.
"Let me know if you need any water heated," Jess called before heading back out to the living room.
Damian had offered a dinner, celebration, whatever his friend wanted at the manor. Jess had insisted on merely gathering him, Misty, and Kade under one roof to spend time together and bake a cake. She'd even turned down the blond's suggestion to throw a party and invite school peers, something that didn't strike Damian as a surprise in the least. She only wanted the three closest people to her in one place — nothing else.
And of course, Damian agreed. He would have concocted an entire dinner meal with Alfred, made his father and Selina stay home to be present, set up balloons and baked her a cake, yet her desires had turned out to be straightforward and simple.
"This is the first birthday I've really been able to actually celebrate in a while," she'd told him. "All I need is just my favorite people around me. I really couldn't care less about presents and stuff, too, so you don't have to worry about any of that."
"Just hang out with me," Jess had added with a grin.
He would spend time with her… and ignore what she'd said about presents.
Nervousness was not an emotion he often experienced, yet as soon as they arrived at the manor later in the day, he could feel the familiar, unsettling feeling in his stomach. The knot grew tighter while he led her upstairs and into his room where the lowering sun peeked through the curtains he'd partially drawn. Something tall and hidden beneath a white sheet stood by the window, grabbing Jess's attention almost immediately. She looked at him in questioning, so he nodded and tilted his head towards it.
Wordlessly, she stepped forward and looked it up and down before reaching to tug at the sheet. Once she laid her widened gaze on the canvas, he saw the way her eyes changed: innocent curiosity morphed into realization and then a mixture of both sadness and wonder.
"You didn't," she managed to speak in a low, fascinated tone.
He didn't respond, simply and silently watching as she marveled over the piece of art he'd spent countless hours on. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of brush strokes and colors formed an image, a scenario that he'd dreamt up in his head randomly one day: two people were sitting and facing a setting sun beyond a treeline, two furry companions between them. In fact, everything about the painting was familiar and recognizable from the warm, brown hair of the girl on the right to the young, black-haired man on the left whose face was turned towards her. She appeared to be busy gazing at the pink, orange, and red sky, head tilted thoughtfully, while he and the dog looked at one another, the animal's pointy ears sticking up in the same fashion that Damian had always remembered them. On the girl's shoulder was the small outline of a cat with a snow-white coat and dark stripes, not quite a replica but familiar enough. There was certainly no chance that Jess wouldn't be able to recognize exactly what the painting was and who was in it, and judging by the way she was attempting to regain her bearings, she did. She knew.
"You didn't," she said again, eyes still roaming over the piece. "You…"
Glistening, hazel eyes then turned to him. "Dami…" The bottom of her lip trembled for a moment — she was clearly struggling to keep herself together — before she closed the distance between them and pulled him into an embrace.
Musky lavender and something else sweet, like vanilla or icing, touched his nose as he welcomed the gesture, hugging her. After a moment, she pulled back and dabbed at her eyes, looking at the painting again.
"I... can't believe you did this for me."
"You were adamant this summer about me continuing my art," Damian explained, his gaze flickering back and forth between the canvas and her face. "I didn't have much to… 'motivate' me until..."
She noticed that he didn't finish his sentence, her eyes meeting his. But she didn't point it out, merely saying, "It's amazing, Damian. I knew you were good at a lot of things, but wow..."
Stepping closer to examine the detail, Jess asked, "How long did this take you?"
"I started working on it shortly after you left for Central City."
"It's seriously so—I don't even know what else to say except… well, thank you." The smile she gave him was pure and grateful, sending a flood of warmth through him. "This is definitely the best gift anyone has ever given me. I mean it. Well, maybe besides the scholarship thing, 'cause that's…"
Her eyes fell to the floor, smile faltering for the briefest moment before she met his gaze again.
"You really know how to get a girl in her feelings, you know that?"
He should've been able to come up with a witty response or something Damian-like… yet, for some reason, he couldn't. It was rather difficult to do, strangely enough, when all he could focus on was the way her wide, hazel eyes were glittering at him, un-spilled tears making them appear brighter than they'd been before. The bold, colorful sunset spilled in from the window behind her, and despite his bedroom lighting, if he looked hard enough, the hair framing her head was being illuminated. The sunlight washed her in a soft, golden aura that she likely didn't even know was there.
Another view to recreate, perhaps, one that was real and not imaginary this time.
"I love it," he heard her say, realizing that she wasn't even looking at him anymore. "It's… incredible."
She'd turned her attention back to the painting, fingers hovering above the dried paint and thoughtfulness heavy on her features. He could tell she was growing emotional again as she took a deep breath and wiped hastily under her eye.
Damian was almost eager to have her in his arms again — she must've had the same idea because she was hugging him once more. This time, it lasted longer, allowing that familiar warmth deep within him to grow... until it enveloped both him and his best friend, wrapping them, changing, morphing into something that felt peculiar.
It was comforting, warm, secure, inviting — everything he'd never expected to feel after two years of ache and bitterness, things he hadn't wanted to feel.
It was terrifying.
She'd been minding her business in the manor kitchen, pulling a container of leftover lasagna from the fridge while Damian waited for her in his room. The catchy tune of some pop song she'd heard the other day filled the air via her casual humming while Jess punched the microwave buttons and headed for the cabinet. To her dismay, all the bowls were gone from the second shelf, but there appeared to be a few at the top and out of her reach.
Sighing, she stood on her tiptoes and stretched a hand up to no avail, her fingers just barely brushing the china. A wince crossed her face as she settled back onto her heels and rolled her complaining shoulder. I swear I'm not that short, she grumbled, wondering if she should get on the counter or grab a stool.
"Need a hand?"
Head snapping towards the kitchen entrance, Jess saw Jason standing there with a potted plant in his hand and an amused look on his face. She was still trying to figure out what to say when he took it upon himself to set the plant down on the island counter and walk over, brushing past her to grab the bowl she couldn't reach. With him so close, she caught a whiff of his crisp cologne as he set it down and tossed her a casual grin.
"Thanks," was all she said quietly, watching him step away and shove his hands into his pockets.
Her eyes were trained on the spinning lasagna in the microwave while she wished it would hit zero already. What was he doing here? Did Damian know he was here?
Clearing her throat, Jess nonchalantly commented, "Don't think plants are Damian's thing. If you wanted to bring him a gift to make him less mad at you, I'd suggest vegetarian ice cream or a cute animal."
He let out a chuckle. "I know he's not my biggest fan, but last time I checked, the old man still owns this place, not Little D."
Gesturing towards the plant, he added, "It's not for him anyway. Alfie mentioned wanting to spice up the hallways with a little greenery, so…"
"You grab the first one you saw?" Jess stepped closer to the plant to further inspect the yellowish edges of the leaves and dry soil.
"Hey, I'm far from having a green thumb. Just pour a little water in there, and it should be fine in a few days, right?"
"... No, I don't think it works that way."
He stopped next to her, staring at the plant like she was. "Alright, well, you think you could… you know, give it a little life?"
She turned to him, brows furrowed. Had she heard him correctly? "Excuse me?"
Jason's bluish-green eyes were widened in innocence — whether it was genuine, she couldn't tell. "What? Do your powers not work that way?"
Ignoring him, Jess was thankful for the beeping of the microwave; she pulled the container from it and dumped the food into the bowl, feeling his gaze on her. Oh, they work that way, she mused silently… But how would he know? She'd only used her ability in front of him once and in a way that was the complete opposite of giving a living thing life. And it wasn't like she just walked around wielding it all the time.
She was placing the tupperware container in the dishwasher when she heard "Okay, I get it. You don't like using your powers… or you're not able to heal. You can only take life—"
"Wrong," Jess cut him off while reaching for her bowl to leave.
But then Jason asked, "Which part? You not liking your powers or how you're only able to harm with them?"
Maybe she should've just ignored him and left the kitchen, but she couldn't help meeting his inquisitive gaze. "Both."
He said nothing for a while, prompting her to sigh and set her food onto the counter next to the plant.
"Only for Alfred. I would hate for him to see this and try to pretend he likes it," she muttered.
"I think we both know he wouldn't pretend."
Not responding, Jess stood in front of the wilting leaves and held a hand above them. She did her best to forget that he was there, watching her, and concentrated on creating a link between herself and the living organism before her. It wasn't quite dying yet, but it definitely felt like it needed care — a few moments later, the leaves were lifting a little, their edges shifting to a healthy green, and the plant as a whole seemed to stand taller compared to the way it'd been slouching previously.
Satisfied, she took her hand back and turned to see Jason giving her an intrigued look and letting out a low whistle.
Before he could say anything, a thought crossed Jess's mind.
"Find out anything else about Jax or the others?"
Her question had seriousness falling across his face like she'd popped his bubble. "I told you not to worry about it," he responded in a lowered voice, eyes darting towards the empty doorway like someone could walk through it at any moment.
He had… but how could she not be curious? That night he'd visited her at her dorm and broke the news about Jax, she'd almost immediately panicked. It'd been one thing to hear the guy was out and a whole other to hear he was actually dead. Gone. Jason had explained that he wasn't sure why Jax had been killed, though it was possible it was just someone with whom he had crossed paths in his criminal life.
"It was probably just some other convict who had it out for him and waited till he got out," he'd suggested. "Everyone else you ran with is still alive and kicking behind bars."
Sure, it was highly possible that Jax had made a lot of enemies in his time, and his sins had caught up to him… but Jess hadn't been able to help worrying if the same could happen to her. After the library incident and starting probation, she'd half-expected Jax or someone else in the group to just suddenly show up and have their revenge on her. She wouldn't have put it past them to escape prison or find a way to be released, but months later, nothing had happened, so she eventually stopped thinking so much about them.
Now, here she was, hearing about Jax's death from Red Hood/Jason, who was telling her she didn't need to fret over it.
"Just figured you should know if you hadn't found out already," he'd told her that night.
Shaking her head and returning to the present moment, Jess gestured towards him. "I can't help wondering about it. How am I supposed to know if whoever killed him is some random guy he did business with years ago? Or maybe it's someone that I also came in contact with when—"
"Doll, I need you to stop right there." Jason's blue-green irises flickered as he held up a hand. "You've been out and about in Gotham for months, and you're still standing.
"Hell, you're dumb enough to go out when it's dark, but no one's put a bullet in your head yet." He caught the way she looked like she was going to protest, holding up a finger and adding, "Except for that one night. You know what I'm talking about."
Jess closed her mouth at that, knowing he was making a point. If anyone wanted her dead or something like it, they surely would have done it by now. As for his comment about her "dumb" behavior… She supposed he was right about that, too. It was probably luck that she hadn't run into anymore trouble since that one instance he'd come to her rescue.
Letting out a sigh, Jason passed a hand over his face and said, "They barely gave the Jax guy a week before they put him down. You've been walking around freely for way longer."
"I just…"
The words wouldn't leave her mouth.
I just don't want my past catching up to me.
"What is going on here?"
The harsh voice nearly had Jess jumping a foot in the air. Both she and Jason saw Damian entering the kitchen, his emerald gaze scrutinizing them. Guilt flooding her, Jess looked to the older man as if he was going to be able to offer an explanation that would appease his younger brother. But he looked completely unfazed by Damian's appearance, simply moving to grab a glass from the cabinet behind him.
"What's up, short stack?"
Jess couldn't help herself. "'Short stack'? He's basically as tall as you."
He chuckled while grabbing a soda can from the fridge. "Old habit," he answered without looking at her.
"What are you doing here, Todd?"
Damian's face was blank but Jess could see how he was clenching his teeth.
"Old man said I could stop by for dinner, so…" Jason shrugged nonchalantly while opening the can with a hiss that pierced the awkward tension in the kitchen. "Heard it was gonna be Greek food tonight."
"Then if you could, kindly let Father know I won't be there," Damian said stiffly.
Something shifted in Jason's indifferent expression. "Suit yourself."
The young man was turning to leave now but not before shooting Jess an expectant look. Glancing one more time at Jason and seeing that he wasn't even looking at her, she grabbed her bowl and went after her friend. Back in his room, she set it down on his desk and watched as he stood in front of his window, arms crossed and gaze beyond the glass. Was he upset with her? Had he heard any of her conversation with Jason?
"What did he say to you?" he finally asked in a blunt tone.
Sitting in his desk chair and looking at his back that was turned towards her, Jess replied quietly, "Nothing really. He came in, saw that I couldn't reach the bowl up top and got it for me."
"That's all?"
"... Well, the plant he brought in, it was looking kind of half-dead, so…"
That was when Damian turned around, narrowed gaze landing on her. "So…?" he echoed.
Uh-oh. Was she going into dangerous territory here?
Maintaining composure, Jess held his gaze and continued, "He asked me to… 'give it life,' so I did. He said it was for Alfred — the plant, I mean."
He seemed to struggle with processing her words for a moment, glaring at the floor for several moments before moving towards the door. Confused (but mostly concerned), Jess got up and managed to block his path. His brows were knitted while he stared down at her, baffled at her movement.
Though she was suddenly a little intimidated by the height difference and how his emerald greens seemed to be drilling into her, she stood her ground. "Where are you going?"
"To tell him he has no right to be using your abilities like they're some kind of service to be requested," he was quick to answer.
"It's fine," she reassured him, stepping to the side as soon as he tried again to move past her.
Annoyance rose in his features, but Jess didn't budge. "Jessica."
"Damian."
His scowl only deepened — if that were even possible for him. "Move, please."
"No."
Damian's brows rose at her firm response.
"It's not a problem," she told him, gaze flickering between his eyes. "I thought it was weird at first, too, but… All he did was ask for a simple thing that was easy for me to do. I could've said no."
"It's the principle—"
"Sure, but shouldn't I be the one who decides how I use my powers?"
It was satisfying watching how, for once, her friend didn't have such an immediate response like he often did. She could see it in his eyes how he was scrambling to find a way to reply.
"Shouldn't I be the one to decide if someone's using me for what I can do?"
Damian let out a sigh, pressing his lips into a line and breaking eye contact. "Yes, you should be. But that doesn't account for the fact that he is still hanging around here, expecting me to welcome him with open arms… that he is speaking to you when he knows—"
He couldn't finish his sentence, but Jess knew what he'd been about to say.
"Maybe he isn't expecting open arms. Maybe he's just expecting… for you to consider giving him open arms," she said slowly, earning a mild look of disbelief from him. "I think he's trying to reconnect with you, Dami."
"And what could lead you to think that?"
"Well… he said he was here for dinner. And he looked kind of disappointed when you said you wouldn't be there."
Scoffing, he rolled his eyes and shook his head. "There is no chance Jason Todd is 'disappointed' I won't be around for dinner."
"And what could lead you to think that?"
"Because I know him, Jessica," Damian almost snapped, his eyes burning. "He cares about no one but himself. He has some unknown agenda, suddenly showing up in our lives again, and until I find out what it is, I have no desire to be around him. And I still don't want him around you."
Jess fell silent, giving him a moment to collect himself. She couldn't say she was surprised by this reaction, but it hurt her to see it. He was definitely still suffering from what had happened years ago, and she wished there was something she could do to help him. Unfortunately, the only "solution" the teen could come up with was the far-fetched idea that Damian could potentially repair his relationship with Jason. From what she knew, the older man had hardly gotten the chance to really explain himself or try to make amends… because Damian had shut him out so quickly and immediately.
"Okay," Jess offered then. "Let me finish these leftovers and we can... go for a drive or something?"
Damian only nodded, jaw set tightly as he stepped back and away from her. She sat back down at his desk and saw him get comfortable on his bed, reaching out for Neo who'd entered the room. Jess attempted to set aside her growing feelings of concern for her friend as she dug into the lasagna in the bowl, which had already gone cold.
Dating Kade had been going well for a while — amazingly, even. Aside from the one time he'd told her that he felt like she was being "clingy," things were great: she liked being around him, going on dates, spending time with him and his friends, or simply hanging out at his house. They usually texted often and saw each other every day at school. If there was anything Jess particularly enjoyed about their relationship, it was the attention that he did give her, even if it wasn't as much as she wanted. Whenever he did set aside time for her, he continued to make her feel like he wanted and cared for her, especially when he made efforts to make up for being busy and occupied with other things.
One time, Kade had asked her to meet at his car during their lunch break, telling her he'd wanted to give her 15 minutes of his "undivided attention"... and he certainly had, making Jess thankful that his windows were tinted too dark for anyone to see inside. Situations like that, in which he seemed to want to prove to her that he cared, happened often — he'd text her randomly, saying he was thinking about her, or constantly hold her hand or keep her close whenever they were with his friends or other peers (he'd said he liked making it known that they were an item).
But then things started feeling… different.
Nowadays, he seemed to be more likely to grow irritable and impatient, especially since he wasn't able to get stardust as easily as he used to. Jess could see that he was sleeping less, unable to concentrate for very long on homework let alone anything in general… Plus, it wasn't just stardust — family troubles that he hardly spoke of must have been affecting him, too. He would get distracted, which was pretty unlike him, zoning out or not paying attention to where he was or what they were doing. She was never on the receiving end of this change in behavior, not for a little while. He just brushed it all off, always saying his withdrawals were nothing, that he could handle it, that he was simply tired. Part of her was convinced he was just denying what he was experiencing, but she'd remained silent since she didn't want to upset him or make him feel like he was weak.
That changed one day she decided to keep him company after he'd stayed home from school to rest.
He hadn't slept well, meaning he'd napped throughout the day. He'd also been suffering from a mild headache along with just overall body aches and pain. Jess, still dressed in her uniform but having removed her blazer and loosened her tie, had curled up beside him in his bed.
"You feel nice," he mumbled above her head, arm wrapped around her back. A moment later, Kade added, "I don't know how you do this, going without dust."
She sighed, staring at the wall behind him. "As best as I can, I guess. I've been doing what my therapist has suggested though, you know, like having a better diet, trying to stick to a consistent sleep schedule, yoga."
"Yoga, hmm?"
"Yeah, I've been doing it with Misty and her sister. She's always complaining that she's not flexible enough though," she laughed, "especially when I'm doing a pose she can't do."
"Makes sense. You're definitely the most flexible girl I've ever seen," he told her in a sly tone while squeezing her waist and making her jump.
"Shut up," was all she could say with a chuckle, face burning with both flattery and embarrassment. "Wanna try it with us?" she asked, though she already knew the answer.
"Mm, that's a no from me. I'd just wanna watch you anyway."
"Kade!"
"What?" he asked innocently, moving back to look down at her. "You're setting yourself up for all these. Not my fault."
She feigned a glare despite not really having a problem with his jokes. He was right anyway; she definitely kept giving him opportunities to make dirty remarks. Besides, it wasn't to say that they made her feel bad or negative in any way... No, he managed to make her flustered and turn pink pretty easily. Though she'd never really admit it aloud, moments like these made her feel better about herself.
Reaching for his hand and playing with his fingers, Jess decided to go back to the previous subject. "But seriously, maybe you could try some of this stuff that might help you with these withdrawals. I know you like to eat whatever you want, but even just improving your diet a little bit could make a difference. I've actually learned some easy vegetarian stuff from Damian. There's this pizza we make sometimes — it has tomato, basil, and corn, and it's really good. I can pretty much make it without his help.
"And it took a while to get used to, but I started putting my phone down at least twenty minutes before I want to fall asleep. Damian actually told me to do that, and I think it's been helping me knock out faster and get more sleep…"
She felt Kade shift around, pulling his arm out from underneath her and forcing her to lift her head. He rearranged himself until he was propped up on his pillows, not looking at her. If it hadn't been his sudden change in posture, it would've been the odd, flat look on his face that told her something could've been wrong.
Brows furrowing, Jess sat up and combed her fingers through her tangled hair. "Are you okay?"
"I'll be fine, Jess," he answered, distracting her from her confusion. He wasn't really smiling anymore as he met her eyes. "All I need are painkillers and sleep until I can get my next stash."
"But painkillers are temporary," she responded. "I mean, it's probably not a good idea to take so much and depend on them while—"
"I'll be fine," he asserted again, more firmly this time.
That was all he said. Jess sat there as he crossed his arms and stared across the room. Was she just misreading things or had she done something to annoy him? Discomfort stirring in her chest, she cleared her throat and found herself talking.
In a quiet voice, she tried, "Sorry, I just wanted to help."
He was shaking his head and rubbing at his eyes tiredly. "Babe, I don't need therapy like I have a bunch of issues. I've dealt with worse things than this — it's not the end of the world for me."
Her mouth fell open but nothing came out. He waited for her response, icy blue irises — still a bit bloodshot — boring into her and mouth pressed into a hard line. Heart racing, she swallowed and attempted to process what he'd said.
After a few, painfully-silent moments, Jess asked, "What's wrong with therapy?"
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with therapy. I didn't say that."
"Okay, but you made it sound like someone has to have 'issues' to see a therapist—"
"No. I never said that, Jess. I said…" Kade stopped to take a deep breath, his fingers going up to rub his temple. Gesturing with his other hand, he continued, "I don't need therapy like I have issues. Not you or anyone else."
Somehow, his explanation didn't make her feel any better and neither did his tone. Jess averted her gaze and threw off the comforter from her body. She didn't say a word as she went to the bathroom and shut the door, leaning over the sink.
There was an internal battle going on inside her head. Part of her wanted to ask more questions about what he'd said and what he'd meant, another part of her desired to snap at him for his attitude… (He'd given her attitude, hadn't he?)... But another, smaller voice in her head said that maybe she was completely wrong and misunderstanding the entire thing. That was a possibility, right?
A knock startled her from her thoughts. After taking a few, slow and deep breaths, she straightened up and opened the door, revealing gray-blue eyes that searched her face. His brows were wrinkled in concern, all the previous irritation gone from his features.
"You okay?" he asked gently.
She simply nodded, prompting him to place one hand at the back of her neck and lift her chin with the other to look up at him.
"I didn't mean anything bad by what I said, okay? I'm just… a little irritable and exhausted, I guess." He tilted his head, still peering at her. "I'll be all good after I get this next stash. Promise."
Leaning her back against the bathroom door frame and crossing her arms, Jess took a moment to contemplate her next words.
"You know… after my parents died, I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried therapy, I tried to distract myself with school, friends, hockey… tried to go back to normal." She let out a humorless chuckle, watching how he looked at her, the wrinkles softening between his brows. "But that normal was gone, right? My new normal was being by myself and my aunt, and so I… I ran.
"I left my aunt's and survived on my own for a while. Did a few questionable things here and there, met this group of people who—"
Jess paused to take a breath, then continued, "They taught me how to fend for myself and do whatever I needed to live better than I had been. Now, I know how to pickpocket, to steal, to escape, to avoid the cops. But I-I never learned how to actually deal with the pain, y'know? I only figured out how to ignore it."
Kade reached out to clasp one of her hands in his, and she stared at their entwined fingers that hung between them, old memories flitting through her mind.
"Stardust and partying did that for me this summer," she continued quietly. "I could finally control my anxiety, the nightmares, the… the guilt. I felt like I was catching up on things I should be doing as a teenager. But here I am, still trying to figure things out and start over without doing all of that. I hadn't realized stardust was starting to control me until…"
She saw frustrated yet disappointed green eyes as echoes of her friend's harsh, truthful words bounced in her head.
Attempting to smile, Jess squeezed Kade's hand and shrugged. "Anyway... my point is that I don't want to see the same happen to you," she told him, voice lowering to a whisper.
Cool eyes examined her before he was leaning down and kissing her forehead. "Never thought you'd tell me all of that, did you?"
No… no, she hadn't.
But she'd wanted to. She'd always had this idea that he would be the third person to know the last few years of her life, even if it was the general truth and not all the nitty-gritty details were there. Maybe later down the road, Jess would further explain the things she'd done, the people she'd hurt, the power she possessed… but in due time. Even Misty was still in the dark about her being a meta-human, and the only person to whom the teen really felt she could reveal the worst parts of herself — it was Damian. Something about their friendship and the way he cared for her had given Jess the key to unlock her own gates and let him in, and she hoped that she'd soon feel the same way about her other friend and Kade.
She knew the keys were there. It was simply a matter of finding them.
"What sort of things did you do?"
Jess met his eyes, seeing how they were trying to read her. "Things that I regret," was all she could say, averting her gaze.
Before he could say anything else, she added, "Anyway... I do have to get going since Misty will be here soon."
She moved away to head back to his room for her bag when she felt his fingers grasp her upper arm, tugging her back. Alarmed, Jess met his eyes but saw that he was only gazing at her with something like worry in his eyes. It took her a moment to shove aside the surprise and find her voice.
"Kade...?"
Still gripping her, Kade replied softly, "Can you stay?"
There was a pang in her chest at how dejected he sounded… or maybe it was because she was still highly aware of the way he was holding her in place. It might have been both. "I really shouldn't stay the night on a school night…"
"Just for another hour," he seemed to plead with her. "Please."
His eyes, normally cool and easygoing, were almost begging in silence, and she felt her resolve crumble. With a sigh, Jess moved forward and hugged him, feeling his arms wrap around her tightly. He released her arm then to return the embrace and all the negativity felt like it was dissipating from her body and mind at his touch. She breathed in deeply, inhaling his musky aftershave and attempting to let it calm her nerves.
"I just like having you all to myself, you know?" he told her in what sounded like a teasing but also serious tone.
She snorted and pulled back to look up at him, watching how his eyes roamed her face and then landed on her mouth. "You do. I promise," she managed to tell him before he kissed her hard.
And then they'd left it at that. They were fine from then on, Jess writing off the moment as a one-off and figuring it was just a leftover repercussion of his struggle with stardust. But more of these small things kept happening, moments that had her wondering if she was doing something wrong or if his behavior really was changing the way she thought it was.
She'd been with Misty one night when Kade called, asking her to come over and keep him company. When Jess had told him where she was and that she'd just gotten to her friend's house, he seemed to get a bit frustrated at the response.
"My parents get back tomorrow," he'd told her, "which means I'll probably be busy the next couple days and we won't get to hang out or anything. So… it'd mean a lot to me if I get to see you tonight. But if you don't want to, I'll just, I dunno, see you later this week or something."
Unsure of what to say, Jess had tried to reason, "Well… I mean I guess we'll still see each other on campus, right? It's okay if we don't get to spend time together for a few days."
It had apparently been the wrong thing to say.
"I thought you wanted to spend more time with me." He'd sounded annoyed on the other end. "Here I am, telling you that I want to see you before I can't for a while, and suddenly it doesn't matter to you?"
She'd been stunned, torn between feeling guilty and defensive. But ultimately, the teen had made a decision and convinced Misty to drive her to Kade's, promising her friend she'd make it up to her the next day. It'd been worth it though, hadn't it? Because Kade had reacted gratefully, telling Jess that he was glad she'd come over and that she was the best. His hug and grin had made her feel a little bit better about the ordeal, so maybe she'd done the right thing.
So that's what she told herself.
"Can I ask you about something?"
They were lounging on his bed, both of them on their phones. Misty had just texted her about their plans for later in the week, reminding the brunette that her hockey tryout was coming up. Excitement rising in her, she glanced over to see her boyfriend concentrating on the screen in front of him.
"You're still coming to the tryout, right?"
Kade didn't look up from his phone on which he was furiously texting away. Beside him on the bed and sitting cross-legged with one of his pillows on her lap, Jess glanced at his thumbs and then his face. He didn't still say anything, so she tried again.
"Kade."
"Mmm?"
Gaze still concentrated on the device, he raised his brows a little, a slight indication that he'd heard her.
Absentmindedly playing with the end of the pillow sheet, she chewed at the inside of her cheek and continued to watch him scroll through his phone.
"I know you've been pretty busy, but... You remember that I have tryouts this week, right?" she tried.
That was finally when he tore his cool eyes from his phone and met her gaze, brows knitting together in confusion as his thumbs hovered over the screen mid-typing. "I thought that was next week?"
"No. The first session is Thursday night at 6."
I'm pretty sure I told you twice.
"Well, shit. Thursday? I need to do some grunt work for Hank."
"Hank?"
"Yeah, the guy who said he managed to find the next supply of dust. Didn't I tell you?"
No, you didn't.
His hand went for the phone again, making her heart sink into her stomach. Or maybe it was because she hadn't gotten the answer she'd been looking for... plus the mention of stardust.
Another minute or two passed as he started texting again, and Jess found herself waiting to see if the blond would suggest another idea or solution. Instead, the next thing he said had disappointment and even irritation washing through her.
"I probably won't make it... Sorry, babe."
"... Really?"
His eyes flickered up to hers, shifting from their previous nonchalance to confusion. "What?"
Jess forced herself to take a deep breath and figure out how to tread carefully with her words. "I was just... I told you multiple times about it. Did you even make a reminder like you said you would?"
"Jess, I forgot. I've been busy." Kade gestured with his phone. "I would go, but... You know how the city is running low out there."
She opened her mouth to respond when he then added, "I have to get this stuff, considering how hard it is to get my hands on it. Pretty much everyone's assuming it's practically gone — the shit's practically rare now — so I'm really lucky that I found someone willing to sell it to me."
Instantly, she was offended and her throat was tightening up. Was he being serious right now?
"You're kidding, right?" Jess retorted with a look of utter disbelief.
He said nothing, chagrin and annoyance tinting his gaze. "What, do you not want me to get it? Are you wanting me to continue suffering through these god-awful withdrawals or something?"
"No, of course not."
"Then what's the big deal?"
"You promised me you'd be there—"
"I didn't 'promise' you, Jess. I just said I would try to make it there."
No, she was fairly sure he'd told her that he would definitely show up. She cast her mind back to the first and second time she'd brought it up to him, trying to remember exactly what they'd both said. He'd confirmed he would be there, hadn't he?
"I would still appreciate it if you didn't miss out on my tryout for… for your stardust," Jess told him, holding his gaze.
He was silent for a few moments before responding coldly, "And I would appreciate it if you realized how much I need this. Unless it doesn't matter to you that getting another supply will help me out? That it's important to me?"
"The tryout is important to me, Kade."
His gray-blue eyes flashed as he sat back against his headboard, simply scoffing and shaking his head. It only made her skin crawl even more with irritation, and she found herself biting the inside of her cheek and looking away.
"Okay, so you're... choosing that stupid drug over me," she couldn't help mumbling.
"I'm not 'choosing' anything, okay?" Kade snapped, his voice rising as he gestured with his phone. His eyes were narrowed and blazing with exasperation. "I've got something important and so do you. That's how life goes."
Her heart was beating rapidly, and the only thing she wanted to do was... She didn't even know. The frustration was hot and rising quickly in her; she knew that if this went any further, it wouldn't be good for either of them.
He suddenly got up from the bed, turning to look down at her. "I can't function without it, Jess," he told her in a low, shaky voice. "I thought you understood that. It's the only thing that—"
She watched as he fell silent abruptly, distress tightening his figure while he reached up to run both hands through his hair. "It's all I have to keep me… sane."
Without thinking, Jess responded, "So how come you've never thought about getting help?"
Cold eyes stared at her for so long that she wasn't sure he'd answer.
"I don't need it," he told her between gritted teeth. "There's nothing I need help with, Jess."
"That's what I thought back when I was using it, too, and then—"
"And then what? You got better? Damian Wayne gave you a couple recipes and told you to get to bed earlier, and now you're magically cured?"
Brows knitting together at his mention of her friend, she defended, "N-no. No. Damian convinced me that stardust was going to ruin my life..."
Kade's jaw was clenched. "So you believed him because, what, he's the resident expert on dust?"
She couldn't even respond. How had they gotten to arguing about this? She'd thought that part of the summer was in the past and that Kade completely understood her decision to quit the drug. Why was it being brought up now?... And with Damian's name?
The words were out of her mouth without a thought: "Because he's my best friend, and he cares about me."
Cold, gray-blues eyes burned into her. Anger sparked across his face as he stepped towards her where she still sat on the bed. "Last time I checked, Jess, you still feel guilty for all the shit you pulled after running away. Last time I checked, you still don't feel like you deserve to be here."
All the oxygen seemed to just disappear from the room. Jess stared at him, mouth open, hardly registering the look of distaste he gave her before starting to pace where he stood.
Looking her up and down, Kade added, "From where I'm standing, you're just as fucked up as I am… maybe more. So you don't get to sit there and act like you have your shit together any more than I do."
Her temper shot through the roof, making tears spring to her eyes as she scrambled to get to her feet and face him. "How dare you say that to me?" Jess's voice trembled despite how desperately she tried to be composed. "How the hell c-can you say that to me?"
He only shook his head in disbelief and moved to brush past her. It took every quivering muscle in her body and will in her mind to not try and stop him, but only moments had passed by the time she gave in. She found him standing by the front door, car keys in his hand and meeting her gaze.
Blood pounding in her ears, she only had to watch him tilt his head once towards the door to know what he was saying.
It felt like eternity, the drive back to Gotham Academy. Kade played the radio loudly, probably to drown out his thoughts (and maybe hers, too) and neither of them spoke. Once he pulled up in front of her dorm building, Jess couldn't help racking her brain for something to say... something, anything that would get him to understand, to make things better.
"I just… All I wanted to know was if you were going to show up for me," she said in a low voice.
Kade exhaled sharply from the driver seat, glaring out his windshield.
"Get out."
Hurt burned through her, rendering her speechless as Jess blinked at him.
"Jessica. Get out of my car."
Vision blurring with tears, she moved to open the door and step out when she heard something that he muttered under his breath, four words that almost stopped her then and there.
"Such a fucking headache..."
She shut the door and, though she couldn't see through the dark window, something told her he wasn't even looking at her. Kade drove off, leaving her standing on the pavement and holding back tears.
Note: honestly, i felt so bad/guilty reading what you guys were expressing about Kade, especially when I was literally in the middle of writing this chapter's drama with him... yikes lol. i apologize 100x for the high emotions this update might have stirred in you... there's, uh, more coming though xD
thank you tons for your love and reviews! i'm always grateful for every single one. and BecomingFearless1F, that was so kind :') "Arrow" and "Flash" were my fave CW shows, so i really appreciate that comment *insert crying emoji* and to answer your question, Tim will most certainly show up! i already know when i'm bringing him in, and we're slowly but surely making our way to that point :)
i have most of the next two(?) updates written, so those should be up sooner than later. i'm super eager to share what's coming next — just gotta clean it up and make it really good for your consumption, you know?
until next time! xx
