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Chapter Thirty Four: Gone
-Flashback-
I look into the eyes of my best friend, the boy I've known for eight of my thirteen years of life. Mushu, he's more than my friend, he's my brother, the one person in this world who truly understands me. Now, he's leaving, moving away with Meili and the rest of his family. And it's all my fault.
"Mushu, it's time to leave!" we hear his father yell from the wagon.
"I'll write… and so will Meili… I promise." Mushu vows.
"Something tells me I'll never get those letters," I say with a sad chuckle, motioning to our parents. "Remember, the whole reason you guys are leaving? Our parents think it would be best for us not to have contact."
Mushu seizes my hands in his own. "We'll figure something out. We always do." I nod mutely.
"Mushu! Now!" his father cries again.
"Any last-minute advice?" I question with a small smile.
"Yes," he states with a twinkle in his eyes. "Don't do anything stupid."
"I make no promises, but I'll try my best," I reply.
We smile at each other for a moment before he retreats to the wagon. Mushu, Meili, and I all wave wildly, and I run after the wagon as it bumps along the dusty road, all of us yelling promises to not forget each other. Finally, I slow my pace as the wagon disappears from view. Tears well up in my eyes, and I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"It is for the best," Father states as he stands next to me. Yet, I can't help but wonder, best for who?
-End Flashback-
I feel tendrils of consciousness begin to creep up on me as I slowly begin to become aware. I open my eyes and find myself staring at the roof of a small, orange tent. I am laying on a sleeping mat on the floor. I hear someone move beside me, and I turn my head to see Mushu. He looks worried, scared even. Why is he so frightened?
"Mushu?" I whisper, not quite understanding what is happening.
I slowly become aware of other things. My right side hurts, and I feel tired and weak. Then, I remember. I remember the Huns, the avalanche, the injury. Using my elbows, I force myself to sit up. As I do, the thin blanket that was covering me slips down, and I gasp in horror at what I see. My body, from my underarms to my hips, is wrapped tight in bandages. I am vaguely aware of Mushu kneeling beside me, his hand on my shoulder. I can't look at him. I can't look at anything but the bandages.
"They know." It is whispered more as a statement than a question, more to myself than anyone else.
"Yes," he whispers back.
My heart quickens, and my palms become clammy. I run a shaky hand through my hair.
"No… I can't… I was so close…" I mumble to myself. I shake my head, almost like I am trying to shake the panic away. Finally, I turn to Mushu. "What are you doing in here?"
"The captain sent me in. I'm supposed to tell him when you wake up." With this, I see him clench his fists in anger. "They're going to execute you. I won't let them." He rises swiftly, striding towards the tent flap.
"No!" I rise quickly, too quickly. I grunt as I double over in pain, clutching my side. I notice absentmindedly that my pants are still on, a small grace.
Mushu's anger is gone just as soon as it comes as he rushes to my side, gently trying to force me to lay down. I refuse.
"Mushu," I beg, "please, don't do anything."
He looks at me incredulously. "What?"
"We made a deal, remember?" I say. He looks at me blankly. "The first day of camp, we made a deal. You promised that you wouldn't tell anyone you knew about me."
"Well, I didn't think you would actually be discovered!" he whispers back harshly. We both struggle to keep our voices down out of fear that someone will hear us. "If I go out there and explain why you're here, maybe they will understand and… I don't know… let you go?"
I scoff. "That won't work. Even if you can somehow convince Captain Li, what about Chi-Fu? That idiot has hated all of us from the beginning, and we know how he feels about women. If you admit to knowing, you'll just be executed alongside me!"
"I need to do something!" he retorts desperately. I see his expression soften, and he looks at me with pleading eyes. "I can't just stand there and watch them kill you."
I feel something inside me crack, and I look at him sadly. "Then close your eyes."
Mushu grabs me and crushes me in a hug. I squeeze him tight and close my eyes. Maybe, if I close my eyes and focus on Mushu, when I open my eyes I will be somewhere else, anywhere else. It doesn't work. I pull away after a few seconds.
"I'm not afraid," I state resolutely.
He sighs. "I know."
I look him in the eyes pleadingly. "Please, Mushu, don't say anything about knowing. This was my decision, I alone will pay the consequences."
"Fine," he states reluctantly.
"Swear it!"
"I swear, jeez…"
I sigh a breath of relief. "Tell Qing the same thing." He nods. We both stare at each other, seemingly trying to come up with something to say. Finally, Mushu speaks.
"What… what do you want me to tell your family?" He asks the question cautiously, as if afraid of how I will react.
"The truth," I reply resolutely. "Tell them I was discovered and… killed"
"Anything else?" he urges.
There is more, too much more. Too much emotion to put into coherent sentences. I take a deep breath, thinking carefully about what I want to say.
"Tell Baba that I'm sorry I ran away with his conscription notice and armor, but make sure he understands that, if given the choice, I would do it again in a heartbeat despite the outcome." He nods silently, and I continue. "Tell Grandma that I'm finally crazier than she'll ever be." I give a weak smile. "And, tell Mama that I'm going to be late for tea time. It really shouldn't surprise her, I'm always late." I give a sad chuckle. "But, tell her not to let the tea get cold just because I'm not there. Make sure they all know that I want them to move on, to keep drinking the tea despite my absence."
"And what about me?" he questions accusingly, trying to lighten the mood. "Any last-minute advice?"
"Yes," I state with a small smile, knowing the exact moment he is referring to. "Don't do anything stupid."
"I make no promises, but I'll try my best," he replies dutifully. And then, he does something he has never done before. Putting his hands on my shoulders, he kisses my forehead gently. "Forever and always my sister," he whispers softly to me. As he removes his hands, I grasp one and squeeze it gratefully. There is so much I want to say, so much I need to say, yet only one word escapes my lips.
"Brother."
And that is all Mushu needs to hear. Both of our eyes are brimming with tears as I warn Mushu that he should leave before someone gets suspicious. He takes my advice, walking slowly to the tent flap, his eyes never once leaving mine.
"Goodbye," he whispers.
"Goodbye."
And just like that, I see my brother, my best friend, the one and only person who will ever truly understand me walk away, leaving me alone in the medical tent which has now become my prison. I fight back the tears which threaten to overwhelm me. I refuse to let those men see me with red, teary eyes. All I have left is my pride, and damn it, no one will take that from me. No one.
