Disclaimer: I own nothing; everything belongs to its rightful owners.

AN: Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and/or review my stories, it really means the world to me! And a BIG special thank you goes to the amazingly talented purpleplasticpurse for beta reading!

Warning: dark&twisty/ some parts might be trigger-ish


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XXXVIII

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All The Madness Raging In My Head

(The Color In Anything/Staying The Night II)

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Her mood changes from one second to the next.

She's been begging Sarah to come with her all week. Now the only thing Emily wants is to go back home.

"Please, Sarah, I just want to leave."

"We just got here," Sarah states, clearly annoyed, but Emily doesn't know how to explain something she can't understand herself.

"I just want to go," she says once more, faintly aware that she sounds like a petulant child.

"What happened," Sarah wonders and Emily wishes she had an answer.

"I don't want to be here."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sarah frowns and Emily takes a step back, even though there's no place to move. The room is crowded with far too many people.

Why did she choose to wear a dress this short?

"What's wrong with you?" Sarah asks, reaching for her hand. Emily can't help but flinch.

"Fine," Sarah agrees, worry flashing in her blue eyes. "I have to talk to David first. Stay here, I'll be right back."

With that, she's gone. Emily is left looking after her, not sure if she'll find the will to wait.

Crossing in her arms in front of her chest, she turns, an idea forming in her mind the second she spots the phone on the other side of the living room.

There's only one number she can think of, only one person aside from Sarah she could call. But the voice answering the phone isn't Aaron. It's a woman. It's- Fuck. It's Haley, his wife. Of course.

"Hello?"

Fuck, what was I thinking?

"Hello? Who is this?"

She hears another voice from somewhere in the background, and Emily can't help but imagine Aaron sitting up in bed next to his wife. "Who is it?" he asks, his voice tired and thick with sleep. And of course, it's the middle of the night.

There are tears pricking at the corner of her eyes and she hangs up without saying anything.

She takes an involuntary step back, then another, and suddenly she's stuck between people she doesn't know. There's a hand on her arm and the brush of fingertips against her leg and even though it's only accidental, Emily's about to scream. Her hands are wet with sweat.

Why am I even here?

Before she knows what she's doing, she's brushing past people, moving as fast as her heels allow it. She's stumbling now and then but she keeps going anyway, blindly heading for the front door.

Once she's out of the house, Emily slips out of her heels and takes off running barefoot through the snow.

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When Sarah bursts into her apartment three days later, Emily's curled up on her couch. Her eyes are fixed on the TV screen even though she's half asleep.

She's wearing three layers of clothing, hiding under a blanket, yet she's still shivering.

"Your mother called me," Sarah exclaims on her way through the darkened room, her voice filled with anger.

Emily blinks, trying to make sense of her friend's words. "Why would my mother call you," she mumbles tiredly.

"Apparently you haven't answered your phone in days," Sarah says, and Emily can feel her searching gaze. "What's wrong with you?"

"What did she say?" Emily asks instead of answering.

Sarah laughs. "Nothing of course. She wants to talk to you, not me. Come on, get up. I'll drive you if you're hungover again."

"I'm not."

"Whatever," Sarah shrugs, outright annoyed. " You need to get up. Your mother is in a really bad mood."

"I don't care," Emily mutters, closing her eyes definitely. "I want my key back," she adds, her voice hoarse.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Is this because I told David to stop selling to you? I know you can't see it, Em, but I only did it-"

"For me?" Emily finishes, a frantic laugh escaping her lips. "You have no fucking idea what you did," she drawls, her eyes meeting Sarah's. "Just give me the damn key back."

There's a long pause before Sarah fumbles through her jacket pockets, throwing Emily's spare key on the coffee table.

"You're going to regret that," she states sadly, before she turns on her heels. The door falls shut behind her on the way out.

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"What else can you get?" Emily asks, her eyes fixed on the pills spilled out on the desk in front of her.

"Everything," Julian chuckles from where he's lingering close behind her. "Just tell me what you want. I'm sure my mother has it."

"You stole them from your mother?" Emily echoes and turns, her eyes meeting his. Julian laughs.

"Don't pretend like you give a fuck," he muses dangerously, his hand reaching forward to brush some of her hair out of her face. "We both know you don't care about anything or anyone." He looks amused, even more so when he bends closer towards her. "Besides, I doubt you can afford to be that picky right now, can you, princess?"

Ignoring his snarky comment, Emily asks, "What do you want in return? No money I assume."

"No," Julian agrees, all smug but honest. It's not like she's surprised. She knew even before she asked.

"Go ahead, try the pills first," Julian suggests generously, his fingers still in her hair. "Make up your mind afterwards."

Briefly closing her eyes, Emily ponders her options. The truth is there aren't any. Not since Sarah made sure David wouldn't sell her anything ever again.

Taking a deep breath, Emily turns. She gathers some pills in her palm before dry swallowing them.

"Careful," Julian taunts, his hand trailing down the side of her face in an almost possessive gesture. "I don't want you to die on me."

"As if," Emily mutters, resisting the urge to push him away from her. When he bends to kiss her, she lets him. It's not like she cares.

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They're at some club a few nights later. The place is crowded with people wherever she looks. It's dark except for the colorful lights from somewhere above. The air is stale and heavy with smoke. The ground and the walls seem to vibrate, the music too loud to even think.

Emily is spinning in circles, her head does too, her thoughts a mess. Julian is holding her close, his hands everywhere. She lets him, because what else is she supposed to do?

He bends to kiss her, harsh and forceful, moving another tiny pill from his mouth into hers with his tongue.

Emily's already taken too much. Yet she swallows willingly, closing her eyes in anticipation. It doesn't matter, does it?

The world is moving and she is too, smoke swirling all around her. It consumes her, faster and faster until she's spiraling out of control. She just wants to give in so fucking badly.

Give up.

She's dancing, twirling in a tiny circle, and she's drifting, further and further into the crowd like a ship lost at sea. She is falling, drowning, and everything around her just disappears. It's only her, all alone, just like it's always been.

She opens her eyes, nothing but a glaring white light above her head and she's spinning faster and faster- it feels like she's flying.

Maybe she is.

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Emily is on her way out of her apartment when she runs into Aaron only a few nights later.

"What are you doing here?" she blurts the first thing that comes to mind, too high to keep her thoughts to herself.

"I missed you," he tells her straightforwardly, his eyes searching hers. His brows are knitted together in a slight frown. "You haven't answered any of my phone calls," he adds when Emily finally steps aside to let him in.

"I had to study," she explains with a shrug, her eyes on the floor to avoid looking at him.

"How did it go? You said you missed a lot of classes. Were you able to take care of that?"

Emily has to bite her lip to keep herself from saying something stupid.

"That's a no then?" Aarons wonders and Emily shrugs again. She has nothing to say to him.

"Where are you headed?" He wants to know, even though it's blatantly obvious by the way she's all dressed up in black velvet and lace.

"Why? Do you want to join me?" she prompts, a smug smile curling at the corners of her mouth when she finally looks up to meet his gaze.

"Actually," Aaron starts, moving a little closer to cup her face between his hands, his eyes leveling hers. "I was hoping we could just stay here."

She wants to say no, wants to tell him to go back home to his wife and spare them both the pain, but she doesn't. She can't.

When he bends to kiss her, she has her arms already slung around his neck, allowing him to pull her up and into his arms before walking them backwards against the nearest wall.

"You're not too high to remember this, are you?" he whispers against her skin, his fingers in her hair, his eyes locked with hers.

She shakes her head a silent no, wishes she could keep him here in this very moment, even though she knows she can't. She pulls him closer with her legs around his hips, closing her eyes when she feels his hand slip down between her thighs.

She will remember it. Just not how good it felt. She never does. Not anymore.

It's lost all its meaning.

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"Where were you last night?" Julian wants to know when she shows up in front of his dorm room the next morning.

Emily shrugs. "Something came up," she states, catching the pill bottle he throws in her direction with ease.

"I got everything you wanted," he declares, all smug and sure. "It's your turn."

Looking down at the bottle of pills, Emily settles down at the edge of his bed, realizing just how short her skirt really is.

"Why me?" she asks, her eyes meeting his. "I know at least three girls who would love to go out with you. Why do you want me?"

Julian bursts out laughing, sitting up from where he's sprawled out on his bed, handing her his spliff. She takes a deep drag herself, searching his face for an answer.

"Come on, Julian. Why me?" she prompts, inhaling deeply, waiting for the familiar fuzzy feeling to spread through her body.

"Because if my parents hear about it, they're going to do anything I want them to, as long as I promise it won't happen ever again."

Emily blinks, taken aback. "What?" she asks, not sure if she heard him right.

Julian only offers her a slight shrug. "Come on, Em, everyone knows you're fucked up. Parents talk too." He reaches over to take his spliff back. "Have you ever wondered why Sarah hasn't asked you to come over in years?"

Feeling slightly dizzy, Emily lays down on the mattress next to him. "We could just pretend," she murmurs, surprised at how slurred her voice sounds. What the fuck are they smoking?

Julian chuckles. "Aw, come on, honey, where's the fun in that?" He bends closer, guiding the spliff against her lips, patiently waiting until she takes another deep drag.

"What is it?" she slurs, thinking that she's never smoked weed that strong. The room is already spinning.

Julian does too, and Emily has to admit, it doesn't feel too bad. In fact, it feels quite … a laugh escapes her lips, then another one and Julian bends forward to silence her with a kiss.

When she shuts her eyes, Emily just pretends that the hands between her legs aren't Julian's at all.

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Emily's curled up in her bed, tired but restless, unable to fall asleep.

She has no idea what day it is, or how long she's been laying there. It could be minutes, hours or maybe days. She has no idea what time it is either; the only indication is the sunlight that's falling through a gap in the curtains.

She ran out of pills on Friday, and Julian hasn't returned any of her calls since then. Maybe he already got what he wanted. Whatever the fuck that was.

Counting the dust particles floating through the room, Emily tries to concentrate on anything but the emptiness she's feeling. She's never been so tired before. Her body is on fire, yet she's freezing.

She doesn't want to move though. There's just no point. There's no point to anything anymore.

Maybe there never was.

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Sitting in her mother's office, Emily tries to pay attention to what she wants from her. Despite her best intentions, she just can't concentrate on anything.

She has no idea how she got there in the first place. Did she drive by herself? Did someone come and get her? Hopefully. But why would she have bothered getting out of bed? Emily has no answer to any of it.

Her mother is still talking, her expression cold and distant. Her words are harsh, but her voice is entirely under control. Emily already has a feeling this won't end well for her this time.

Not that it matters of course. Nothing does. Not really.

Emily gets up without thinking, but when she opens the door, ready to flee her mother's office, she's met with the startled expression of a security guy she's never seen before. He looks young, probably barely older than she is, and Emily already feels sorry for him. Working for her mother is a hard task, but having to deal with her too surely must be worse.

She feels the sudden need to apologize. Not only to him, but everyone else as well.

He's talking to her mother while casually blocking her way out of the room, almost like she poses some immediate danger.

And she does, doesn't she?

She's a threat to everyone around her. Always has been. A bomb waiting to go off.

There's a heavy weight crushing her body, a sharp pain cutting through her chest like a knife and suddenly there's no air. Closing her eyes, Emily stumbles backwards, forcefully tearing at the collar of her shirt, gasping for air. But there isn't any. She can't breathe. Something isn't right.

Her knees give in and Emily sinks down to the floor, hitting it with a dull thud. There's commotion all around her, voices swirling through the room, loud and panicked. It's not making any sense to her. The pain in her chest is so horrible she can't help but let out a strangled sob, her finger nails tearing at the bare skin on her arms.

This is it.

I'm going to die.

She should be scared, but despite the pain, all Emily feels is relief.

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Disclaimer: I own nothing; everything belongs to its rightful owners.