Of You, Me, and Us

Summary: "I like you." When those words left her lips, Botan had expected to hear him utter words of apology. After all, she didn't think he felt the same way about her. She didn't expect Kurama looking straight at her in the eyes before leaning closer to kiss her. And although he didn't say anything, one glance at the expression on his face was enough to tell her: she was his now.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Chapter 38: Equivalent Exchange

There were days where she had a feeling nothing good was going to occur during said days; call it a woman's intuition or something, but her heard would always do this thing where it would sink and then flip, then start drumming so fast because she wouldn't be able to shake off that inkling suspicion that a storm would be coming her way.

This, unfortunately, was one of those days.

The dark clouds looming over her head appeared to have blocked the once rose-colored sky, the loud, quaking sound of thunder causing her to jump two feet from the ground in a mixture of shock and fear. Botan suppressed a shudder as the cold breeze fluttered against her skin, leading a few strands of blue locks to be led astray and tickle the hard contour of her nose. Today, unfortunately, was one of the worst days.

Reikai rarely ever had rain; in fact, weather was almost nonexistent in the spirit realm. But there would be occasional thunder, and once in a few decades snow- though the identity of the mastermind behind the irregular weather remained an unwelcome but wonderful enigma. Still, Botan felt like todays was not going to be one of her best.

Her communication mirror rang, prompting her to reach for the device from somewhere under her pink kimono. She flipped it open, and waited for the static to dissipate to give way to Koenma's face.

For some reason, the prince looked... awfully sullen. "Botan," he spoke, voice low, "Come to my office. I need to talk to you."

Usually, the ferry girl would justify his order with a nod of confirmation, her head moving up and down in an obnoxiously enthusiastic motion. But an invisible lump was somewhat stuck in her throat, rendering her not only speechless but immobile as well. The bad feeling in her gut seemed to only grow in size.


Botan hesitated, but for what reason, she didn't know. The nauseating taste at the back of her throat seemed to swell up as a layer of sweat started to form on her forehead. Why am I so nervous? I'm acting like this is my first time coming here. She mused in a forced humorous manner, as if trying to delude herself into believing that whatever awful hunch invading the recesses of her mind was none other than something she had conjured up herself because she probably didn't get enough sleep lately.

She extended a somewhat trembling hand upwards, then took a moment to inhale a deep breath in hopes of calming herself, before she finally knocked three times.

There was a momentary pause, before Koenma's muffled timbre resonated from the other side of the door,

"Come in," he permitted and as if on cue, she planted both palms on the huge doors and proceeded to push them open.

Tentatively, Botan took a few step forward, halting in her tracks the instant Koenma lifted his head up from the file he had been scanning through to regard her presence with a simple, acknowledging nod. Another silence hung in the air, and this one seemed to last a lot longer than the one before. The blank, unreadable expression on the prince's features didn't help to soothe her uneasiness either.

Botan, finally unable to restrain herself under the awkward tension in the air surrounding them, blurted out, "What is it? What's wrong?" Her tone neutral, but revealed an edge of dormant panic lying underneath.

Koenma didn't answer her at once, and instead, threw a different question at her in return, "Let me ask you something: how is Kurama treating you? Is he... being good to you?"

His tone was one of coerced composure, practically as if he was trying to quell some kind of intense, overbearing emotion, and it made Botan more than a little sick to her stomach.

She wanted to ask him the direction of the conversation, but feared finding out she wouldn't like where it was headed.

"He is. He's been treating me very well," she opted to respond instead, voice so soft-spoken Koenma had to strain his ears for the words to barely even grace his hearing. Once more, their surroundings fell into what felt like an interminable silence, before Botan went on, voice pleading,

"Tell me what's going on. Everyone's been looking at me kind of weird. Some with pity, some looked sad, and the rest seemed to stare like I was going to receive a terrible punishment, that I deserve it." And it was true. She put up her utmost effort to brush off the fleeting glances and hushed whispers, to pretend she didn't catch the tears in Hinageshi's eyes, to act like she didn't take notice on the way the normally reserved Ayame seemed to clench her hands into fists. She tried, because it felt like they didn't want to talk about it.

Today had been a very bad and confusing day, and she had a feeling the current situation in Reikai had something to do with her. Whatever it was, she had the right to know.

Koenma paused, seeming to consider something. His left arm placed on his desk, the forefinger connected to the appendage seeming to finger the file he had been reading with a distracted manner. A few moments passed, then he turned to her, his visage apparently softened.

"I want you to be honest," he told her, voice firm yet gentle. "Does Kurama make you happy?"

She chewed on the bottom half of her lips, the gears of her head still spinning as she pondered over what was happening around her, and why Koenma was beating around the bush.

"He does. He loves me very much, after all," she eventually whispered.

The brown-haired prince before her dropped all attempts at a impenetrable mask of composure, as relief seemed to over-flood his equally brown irises.

"I see," he muttered, body slouching down from its prior rigid form, as if he was overjoyed by something Botan didn't understand. But the moment lasted only for a fraction of a second, as his features became stern. "I guess there's no delaying the inevitable. You know that I've been keeping my dad at bay, right?" he said, and all it took was the last sentence for her to finally comprehend everything.

Of course. A bitter smile crossed her lips. A relationship between a ferry girl and a demon was forbidden, after all. The trepidation overwhelmed her senses, as the revelation hit her that this was about her and Kurama. After all the stalling that they did, the time had finally arrived for them to confront the good and bad consequences that were to come from their union. She had promised him not to back off no matter the adversaries, therefore she steeled her will sooner than the fright had assaulted her. Her form turned into a rigid line as she expelled a deep breath, straightening her back as if in preparation to flee in case of the worst case scenario.

"Yes, sir," the determination that filled her usually cheery voice matched the look in her pools of amethysts as the response left her.

Koenma couldn't help but let slip the faintest hint of a smile. "Well, I guess it was only a matter of time before he'd snap."

She didn't falter. "Am in trouble, Koenma-sama?"

"No."

"Then did he issue an arrest order on Kurama?"

"That's not it either."

"So what is it?" Botan bit her tongue to fight the urge to roar as the exasperation at Koenma's answers of denial got the better of her, and she settled for an unyielding tone instead. If the Reikai higher ups weren't planning to do something to her, nor did they intend to imprison Kurama, then what did they want from them?

Koenma took a mental note of her brewing impatience, but only reacted with a mild smile, a tinge of pity dancing in his hazel orbs. "I've been trying to negotiate with my dad," he drawled out, "I really want you to be happy. I know Kurama's the right guy for you."

His voice had dropped a few octaves lower; so low that it only served to unnerve Botan even further. "Koenma-sama?" she prodded for him to continue.

There was another brief pause, as if Koenma was trying to drag the discussion out as long as possible. As if he didn't want to know what was going to take place by the end of their conversation.

"If I told you," he murmured, studying her face in order to gauge her would be reactions, "that you could be together with Kurama without any risk of anything happening to you and the others, what would you do?"

Botan couldn't believe such a guaranteed future and happy ending could exist. "That's not possible."

"I wouldn't blame you for coming up with such a plausible assumption," Koenma replied, and nodded his head once, "You're a kind and intelligent girl, Botan, even though I know sometimes I may call you otherwise. And I know this is going to sound weird coming from me, but I really do wish for the very best for you." His voice held a mirthful touch before it was briskly replaced by his crestfallen timber, the volume of his tone dropping a few notches lower as if to indicate a hint of sadness.

She found that she couldn't stand the look on the usually cocky and bratty prince's felt, as she felt warm tears begin to burn at the corners of her eyes. She clamped them shut in an attempt to will them to go away.

"Please just tell me," she murmured, her chest now aching from all the suspense and delayed elaboration.

"It wasn't a lie, you know?" he stated, his words solid, as he finally met her gaze. "I mean it. You're allowed to be with him, you can marry him. No one is going to stop you, not even my dad. After some thought he has decided that no harm would come to you nor Kurama. And he swears he won't ever land a finger on the other Reikai Tantei members either."

He took another moment to pause, and gave out a barely audible gulp, which permitted her some time for her to think. Because she knew. There was a catch- there was something to be sacrificed in return for her happiness. Because if things had really gone that well, then Koenma wouldn't be here staring at her so sadly as if this was the last time he was about to see a sibling.

Koenma tried not to hesitate as he retrieved a piece of paper from the brown file from before, and he granted himself a few seconds to scan through the document, as if still in disbelief.

He didn't have the heart to say it, but forced the words out of him regardless as he read through the paper, "He promises all of this, in exchange for you leaving Reikai forever. The great Enma Daioh has issued the following statement: the ferry girl, Botan, is therefore released from her position and thus forbidden to enter Reikai premises nor is she allowed to contact anyone of Reikai origin ever again from today onwards." He apparently wavered for a fraction of a second before he went on, "The former demon thief, Youko Kurama, human name Shuichi Minamino, on the other hand, is no longer deemed as a member of Reikai Tantei and is further stripped from his rights in taking part of anymore missions nor is he permitted to be hired once again, even temporarily, to assist his allies. The both of them will be granted full freedom, so long as they swear they would have nothing to do with, or ask for help from Reikai anymore. Complete freedom to do whatever they want is permitted with the exchange that their connections with Reikai is, from now on, permanently severed," he finished, then shut his mouth tight.

The silence between them seemed to drag on forever; tense, and seeming to choke the air out of Botan's lungs. Of course. It was so very Enma-sama to be so cruel.

Botan's instincts had always been strong, and her intuitions, would without a doubt, always come into fruition, after all.

"He wants you to pack your stuff and leave before midnight or else an order to kill both of you will be issued to all the SDF members. This includes Yusuke and the rest, too," Koenma added, almost as if in concerned warning. If it hadn't been for the fact that her friends would be dragged into this mess as well, she would have damned the whole agreement to hell without hesitation- but Enma-sama was a lot of steps ahead of her.

Figures. Botan couldn't help the scoff that sounded from the back of her head. She had reckoned the king of Reikai would pull some underhanded tricks to torment them, but this was all going too far.

"This isn't fair," she attempted to defy, tried to put up a brave front but the effect clearly wore off as her voice seemed to crack at the end of her sentence. She would rather be on the run with Kurama than this.

"...I know," was the only thing Koenma could offer. Even he knew he was powerless to do anything.

A flash of the memories shared between her and the other ferry girls flashed into her head, disrupting the once peaceful depths of her mind as she finally fluttered her eyes open to reveal tears, now freely falling down her cheeks in rapid, continuous waterfalls.

She choked on a low sob, "Why do I have to choose like this?"

Koenma felt a pang of pain coil around his own heart at the sight of her finally breaking down, and chewed on the inside of his cheek. "You have always had two homes, Botan. In Reikai here with us- and in the human realm, with Kurama and the others."

"Both are equally important to me," she insisted in a loud cry.

Why was she forced to do this? If it had been either to flee or battle against Reikai, both scenarios would have been more ideal. It hurt to choose between the two worlds that meant everything for her. Reikai had been her life and home for centuries, and though it hadn't been entirely perfect, everyone was family. She treated Koenma like a brother, saw Hinageshi and Ayame as her sisters and George the ever loving little bro that was always picked on by Koenma. Ningenkai, on the other hand, was where she truly found the love of her life, the valuable peers that mattered to her beyond the boundaries of familial love and friendship. It was the home where all happiness was there for her; where everything felt and was okay. But Reikai was the reason she learned to fly, the reason she had a reason to live for her purpose of ferrying dead souls; the residents here had taught her a lot of things she didn't deserve.

Trade in hundred years of memories for a chance of being free? It was a lot easier said than done. She didn't want to let go of either of them- her friends here and Reikai- nor Kurama and the rest of the Reikai Tantei. She didn't want to lose anyone. She wanted things to be like usual. She wanted both the memories of Ayame scolding her for a clumsy mistake, and Hinageshi being endlessly spoiled by her. And the recollections of helping Keiko solve her issues with Yusuke, the reminiscence of poking fun at the ever oblivious Yukina for her romance with Kuwabara, and her never-ending girl gossip with Shizuru. She wanted both the brother-like figure of Koenma- and the best friends that she found in Yusuke and Kuwabara, the easy companionship between her and Hiei and her deep, intense loving relationship with Kurama.

Both equally mattered to her. She didn't want to protect one thing, only to let the other slip by her fingers.

What was worse that she wasn't even given a third choice to fight against the options forced onto her due the threat of endangering her friends in Ningenkai.

"You can't keep both," Koenma's stern voice reached her ears, snapping her out of her reverie. "You have to choose."

She could have sworn she almost broke. "I can't."

Brown eyes softened just a tad bit. "But you have to, and you have to make the wise choice." The prince pushed his chair back with a slight force before he extended a hand to feel for something under the desk. His features lit up once the pads of his fingertips brushed against it, then he retrieved it from its original place in favor of placing it on his desk. He pushed it towards her, as if in a silent request to take it.

A hint of uncertainty crossed her watery purple orbs, before it was quickly squashed down as she strolled towards the desk, mouth quivering as she averted her gaze down at the item that she had realised was a single photo once she was close enough.

It was an image of her, hands in a double peace-signs as a toothy grin spread on her lips from ear to ear. To her right was Hinageshi and Ayame, the former pulling a half-failed attempt at copying Botan's posture, only for the camera to catch her during the moment she had chosen to close her eyes for a sneeze- the latter expressing nothing but that usual stoic look on her visage, except for the touch of warmth in her dark blue irises. Koenma and George was on her left, the prince once again berating the poor ogre for god knows what, one hand reached up to tug at the blue man's large ear.

It was only one picture, but it was more than enough.

"There isn't going to be any take-backs," Koenma uttered, voice in a hushed whisper. "Either you let Kurama go or you never see us again. For you to earn something you must give up something of equal value as a price. It's called balance, per se. The universe will cease to function without balance." He paused, his own eyes beginning to water as the raw emotions he managed to suppress eventually reared their ugly heads into the surface. "I know it's not fair, I don't want to do this either. But you need to choose."

Time was running out. Botan would surely take a while to pack her belongings- after all she had stayed here for so many years- and her departure was scheduled before 12:00 am. He was well aware of the fact that he was pushing her, rushing her, but he wanted her to leave and live her own life without having to be chained down to nonsensical rules.

"You're not giving me much of a choice," she gave out a bitter remark. Almost angry, but mostly she was in grief.

"I know, I'm sorry."

That wasn't enough. "I don't want to choose anyone." She knew she was being stubborn, but it was overwhelmingly painful to be abruptly forced into making a choice between two things that were both meaningful to her. She grabbed a fistful of her kimono, fingers tightly gripping the area at the top left of her chest, right above her beating heart. It was getting too hard to breathe.

"Botan. You matter a lot to me," Koenma whispered and stretched his left arm outward to seize a gentle, but firm hold on the back of her hand. His free arm went a little bit farther, hand reaching to take the photo, before setting it, the contact nearly feather-like, on the surface of her palm. "I wouldn't admit it under any normal circumstances, but I do care about you, and you're like a sister to me- a sister I never had and never knew I needed." He eyed the photo for a while before a smile crept its way to his countenance; serene and tender. Then he manoeuvred his fingers to motion hers to clutch the picture in a soft, but solid grasp. He darted his gaze upwards to her, his brown eyes seeming to smile as well. "Reikai may have been your starting point for as long as you could remember, but I know staying here won't make you happy. You have friends here, friends who you love and consider as family, which is why it's hurting so much, right? Because you couldn't remember who your family was when you first came into this world, and we were the first people who taught you friendship."

He released the hold he had on her hand, watching as she hesitated for only a fraction of a second, before bringing the photo up close to the middle of her chest, warm tears dribbling down her chin and onto the concrete pavement of the floor.

"But you know," he proceeded, voice in an understanding tone, "you're a lot happier with him. With Kurama. I don't want you to live your life being caged down by staying here. I want you to fly away from here and be free, be happy. I want you to make the right choice, for your own happiness. Not for anyone else."

Botan couldn't do it, but she knew she had to. And even after everything, even if all her memories here still retained a special place in her eyes, she knew her heart only wanted one thing: she wanted to be free, wanted to live a life for herself, without being restricted by overbearing laws. She wanted to lead as normal a life as possible with Kurama, to become connected to him through the vows of marriage, and to have a big family with him. She wanted to be happy. With the one made her truly happy.

"I choose Kurama," the words erupted from her not without any difficulty. The sentence threatened to climb up and down her throat before she had eventually made a choice, and pushed it out into the open.

Sadness flitted over Koenma's features- because he knew he wasn't going to see his best friend again- but it combined with a strange overwhelming sense of joy- because he also knew his best friend would be happy and taken good care of by a man who held her dearly.

"Am I going to stay as a reigen?" Botan spoke after a short pause lingered in the air.

"Yes,"and for once he seemed glad, because this time it really was good news, "your body won't experience any changes, Botan. You will remain the same. The only thing my dad wants is for you and Kurama to not involve yourselves with Reikai anymore."

Botan nodded, reassured that at least she could keep her long life for certain. At the very least they weren't merciless enough to rob her off the one thing that allowed her to stay with Kurama for as long as they could- their time together would surely transcend centuries, but it was a time that she looked forward to.

"Promise me you won't forget about me. All of you," she had uttered, and mustered up all that she was worth to send Koenma a last smile. The last smile she knew she would be able to give him.

"I promise," Koenma swore, and that was the final time she heard his voice. She was glad that he sounded happy for her.

When she turned and left, packed her stuff and bid her goodbyes to everyone she would miss- with tears evidently here and there,

Botan decided that she would never turn back, because doing so would cause her resolve to waver, and decided to make the best of the life she chose.


Kurama seemed to already know what was going on.

It could be contributed to his attribute of having a knack at figuring out basically everything, but Botan felt like his unspoken understanding came from something more real and concrete. It wasn't his mind working to make a guess as to what was wrong; he really did know.

When she came to his apartment, soaking wet from head to toe after struggling through her journey in the heavy rain, Kurama merely opened the door for her and sported a half-smile, the sympathy on his emerald orbs not lost on her. He didn't say anything, and it was a muted agreement not to mention her things, dripping with the aftermath of rain, left at the doorstep as he shut the wooden material close behind them.

The air around them was silent the whole time; the absence of words giving way for pure, profound emotions. Fury, sorrow, glee, hope and despair all mixed together to create an odd whirlwind of feelings that felt odd yet understandably bittersweet all at once.

"How did you know?" Botan's voice finally broke the silence, the question that left her lips reverberating through the walls.

Kurama plugged in the hairdryer before turning it on, prompting her to take a seat on the couch as he had offered her a towel prior to entering the living room. The now former ferry girl felt somewhat relieved at the feel of warm air blowing into her blue mane as Kurama softly gestured a hand to her hair, effectively drying her off.

"Hinageshi came by," his response was short but it was all she needed to comprehend his lack of surprise and further absence of demanding inquiries, "She informed me everything."

"...You're not a part of Reikai Tantei anymore, you know?"

"I know."

"You can't help out Yusuke and the others if their lives are at risk during missions ever again."

"Yes. I am aware."

Botan felt another wave of tears threatening to burst out of her, mouth trembling once more before it was caught between her teeth in an attempt to drown out the sobs she knew would definitely escape her. Kurama seemed to be so composed, despite of everything. She couldn't understand how, and for once, was shrouded by envy at his ability to be calm at a situation like this.

"Why..." she wanted to say but trailed off, afraid that she would wind up hurting his feelings.

She had barely discerned the fact that she was almost completely dry by now, thanks to Kurama's incessant assistance at drying her off. The realisation only vaguely registered itself in the jumbled mess she called her head as Kurama bent down on one knee and stared up at her, peridot irises racking for her soul as he tried to read through her emotions.

He took her hand in his, his warm fingers a direct contrast to her icy ones. Then, came his reply, hushed into a barely audible whisper, "Because I know that you're hurting more than I am." He trailed lazy but soothing circles over the back of her hand, hoping that his actions would at least make her feel a little bit better. "Are you okay?" he proceeded to ask when she remained quiet.

Botan stayed as still as a statue before the tense, rigid line on her features softened to allow the biggest smile of reassurance she could manage. But it felt a lot smaller than what she aimed for. "No. I miss them already, and I know I won't be ever to go back there again. But I made a choice."

The redhead leaned in to touch their foreheads together, a smile reaching his lips at the sigh of satisfaction that left his girlfriend's throat at the soothing effect the contact had on her.

Of course, Kurama was all too aware of the pain Botan must be harbouring- he couldn't even begin to fathom the feeling of sorrow that could be overtaking her senses after losing a place that she called home for a hundred years. The bond she shared with Koenma and her peers over there were all unbreakable, considering they had known and be close to one another for well over centuries. Yet those treasured ties were severed, cut forcefully short, just in the matter of one day. And all because of him.

Kurama knew better but couldn't help himself. "Why did you choose me?" he asked her, voice low and timid, the guilt undeniably lying dormant beneath.

When he stopped to think about it, Kurama realised he had gotten off easy compared to her, even though the relationship was what the both of them wanted. It was hardly fair that Botan had to carry more than half of the burdens that came along from their selfish but well-deserving pursuit for freedom and happiness, whilst he was let off the hook just by getting his status as a Reikai Tantei stripped off of him. Botan deserved to receive back a lot more, and he deserved to lose a lot more, so that the consequences for them to carry were all well and balanced. It was cruel to mention equivalent exchange when he felt like he hadn't lost much compared to her. She had lost her job, her family, her friends- her home.

Botan smiled, having caught on the remorse now overflowing her lover's stance as his face felled, the quirk on his lips faltering to permit the slightest frown.

"But I have another home, Kurama," she murmured before she inched her lips closer to his to claim his mouth into a chaste lip-lock, before she briskly drew apart from him to gaze back at him lovingly, "Here, with you. That's my choice."

His eyes grew wide, surprise coming into the surface as the guilt within him quickly died down, although not fully.

"Botan..." he sighed dreamily as she cupped his cheeks in both palms, and gave him another brief kiss.

"I chose you, Kurama," she whispered, the resolve clear as crystal in her hushed timbre as she showered the redhead with fleeting, feather-like kisses here and there, her touches successfully melting off his remorse and chipping away at any doubts he might have had, "and I don't regret it, even one bit."

A/N: Lol, another chapter which ended up a lot lengthier than I expected! Lmao. But I just had to get this idea out of my head, you know? I'm not very good when it comes to sad scenes, since I fare a lot better in fluff and smut. XD But this chapter is actually the last one in which, they are boyfriend and girlfriend. I wanted to get the obstacle of Reikai out of the way- not a very smart idea, I noticed, after typing it out- before I decide to take their relationship to the next level. So, yes, this compilation might seem that it's going forever but please, bear with me. XD