Despite the fact that I was well aware that what is widely considered Kazuma's pièce de résistance was far from it from a young age, the details of the Devil King's final defeat are not widely known. Of course, after reading this some may wish to take action, but those would do well to remember that we are, in fact, Crimson Demons. Just because we act silly doesn't mean we can't blow you up. The Belzerg Beat could attest to that, if only it remembered why everyone fears the Crimson Terror. -NS
You'd think that after crossing rugged foothills and wastelands that the Devil King's castle would be located in some volcanic caldera with a molten lake of lava, or on the jagged cliffs of an inhospitable mountain. That's not the case at all: before we arrived, it was in a nice, sunny, grass filled vale with a deep clear lake on one side and an evergreen forest on the upslope towards the mountains, which actually are rather picturesque.
Of course, after we were through with the place, it was pretty damn inhospitable and full of smoking craters, but the same would probably be true of any locale that had Iris and the Crimson Demon Clan decide to go to town on it.
While some historians have described "my" assault on the Devil King's last remaining bastion as some sort of brilliant tactical maneuver, the truth is a lot simpler: I pointed Iris in the general direction of the castle, told her to make sure she kept Darkness and Claire close by and that Aqua, Cecily, and Wiz stayed reasonably safe, and let her loose.
Really: I literally pointed her in the general direction of the walls and told her to make a hole. There wasn't any grand plan, we just left Vanir with the wagon and horses, and had a go at it. At first, the goblins and orcs and other various guards laughed as the three noblewomen ran up, throwing down burning pitch, casting a few spells, and launching arrows at them.
And then Iris rammed the door. Head first: it is the thickest part of her body, after all. I'd like to say it gave way then and there, but it mostly just bucked and splintered a bit. That was when Darkness applied it directly to her forehead, and she wasn't even wearing a helmet. The left half of the gate gave way, collapsing in on itself. The enemy's troops rallied, and prepared to reinforce the hole.
Then Wiz hit the remains of the gate with one of her ice spells, freezing it and the enemy soldiers solid, and Claire barreled into the right half, not wanting to be left out. She was still just wearing that damned white suit of hers; I watched enemy arrows bounce off of her and she took a Firebolt to the back of her head as she careened through. I think it mostly had the effect of making her horny, or at least that's what Cecily claims because I damn well am not getting near that psycho when she's in that sort of mood.
After that, Yuki, Chris, and Ravi had easy access to the inner courtyard, and began to redecorate it with the entrails of the unfortunates inside. Iris, feeling left out, let out a happy squeal and set to work herself, systematically blowing apart the walls from the inside. Oh sure, the enemy tried to send in their heavy troops, with ogres, giants, demons, undead of various stripes, and a few custom jobs that would have been a lot more impressive if they had lasted longer than a hit or two from Iris.
And where was I during all this, you ask? Staying well out of the way, thank you. Yunyun, Megumin, Eris and I were mounted on the griffons. Murder Beak had been supposed to stay aloft with us, but upon seeing Iris having what I'm sure that bloody bird thinks is fun, he dove in and started fighting alongside his mistress. Damn thing gorged himself silly; he couldn't even fly afterward he'd eaten so much.
While all that was going on down below, Yunyun started throwing down some lightning on the battlements and the keep, blasting away at poor beasts that were trying to hide from Iris. Eris was sniping whatever undead Aqua missed, which, admittedly, wasn't many. I'm fairly certain she cleared the entire inner bailey with a single spell.
Megumin, of course, was glaring at me, because I had absolutely forbidden her from using her Explosion until the Devil King showed himself. This was partly because I figured we should save our ace in the hole for when we needed it, and partly because that spell is bloody terrifying and I wanted to be well clear before she used it again.
Still, things seemed to be going well, especially since I was well clear of the danger area. That probably should have been my first clue everything was about to go ploin shaped. Naturally, I was focusing on the ground action, using my Farsight skill. It's also excellent for peeping in general, but it was proving dead handy at watching the action below. Which, of course, is why death fell on us out of the clouds.
I didn't have much warning. One moment Sebastian was flapping along, happy as you please, the next minute a bloody dozen harpies were attacking us. Didn't even have the courtesy to scream at us or something before they dropped on us.
Sebastian, of course, fought heroically, and I managed to swipe about with my sword, but no sooner had we fought free of those then a squadron wyvern riding hobgoblins attacked.
"MEGUMIN!" I screamed as the wyverns managed a polite blood curdling shriek and stooped on us. "MEGUMIN, A TEAM! A TEAM!"
"Finally! Darkness blacker-"
"NO POETRY, JUST VAPORIZE THEM!" I ordered as I bent low over Sebastian's neck and dove for the ground, the wyverns hot on our trail.
That was when my suspicions that all that gobbledygook that Megumin makes up as her 'incantations' are all just so much nonsense were confirmed, for she simply snarled and pointed a finger at the enemy, and the next thing I knew I was blind and deaf as Sebastian and I tumbled through the air as the shockwave hit us like typhoon.
Somehow, Sebastian and the other griffins managed to bring Megumin, Yunyun and I to a landing atop the Devil King's fortress in more or less good order. Eris was knocked down into the courtyard below us, but thankfully Chris and Ravi got to her side before the enemy, and once she recovered she was more or less fine, if a bit rumpled.
"Yunyun!" I gasped, hurrying over to Ruffles, who was collapsed atop the roof.
"I'm f-fine," she managed, sitting up and looking as dazed as I felt. Ruffles let out a weary squawk, and licked her face, which made her smile as I helped her down.
Megumin turned out to be irritatingly unphased. "Did you see my spectacular explosion!" She laughed, hopping down off of Chunchumaru, a wide grin on her face. "With but one spell, I have slain-"
"Yes, yes, it was very impressive. But our mounts are in poor shape, and we're sitting ducks out here," I said, looking around. "Sebastian! Can the three of you hop down and join the others?"
Sebastian considered this, then gave me a thumbs up. Or, well, a talons up. I've not a clue how he made the gesture, but with Chunchumaru's help, he and Ruffles were able to make it down to the courtyard.
"What about us?" Yunyun asked, looking around.
"Well, Iris and the others seem to be keeping the enemy occupied," I said, gesturing to the courtyard were gleeful bellows of "BRING ME ANOTHER"! Could be heard. Honestly, I don't know how someone so small can yell so loud. Sort of like those little tree frogs that always sound about ten times bigger than they are. "As such, I say we take this opportunity to hit the enemy from the rear, and cut off the head of the beast."
Actually, I was hoping the castle's upper reaches would be lightly defended, and we could wander about for a bit until Iris got bored down below and solo'd the Devil King. Or Aqua did. Really, I just wanted someone else to deal with things and leave me well out of it.
"This is unacceptable! I cannot use my Explosion inside! The entire castle would collapse!" Megumin ranted.
I sighed. "Look, if we come on the Devil King, do just that. Yunyun can Teleport us out of there, and you can brag to everyone that you've blown up your second building and slain the Devil King."
"Fourth," Megumin corrected as we hurried towards the nearest door.
"Beg pardon?" I said, frowning.
"I've blown up one castle, a house, and a temple," Megumin explained. "This will be my fourth building that I blow up."
Honestly, that just made things worse, but I figured even Megumin would be reluctant to blow up a place she was inside of. More fool I. "Right, well, just hold off on that until we're certain it's the Devil King, alright?" I asked. Then I nodded to Yunyun. "Love, I don't suppose you have the skeleton key, do you?"
Yunyun blushed and smiled at me. "I-I love you too, Kazuma."
I sighed. "Yes, I know, I mean, could you Light of Saber the doorway? It's barred, and Pick Lock isn't working."
"Oh! Er, right. Light of Saber!" Honestly, Yunyun is a sweetheart and I love her to death, but she belongs on the battlefield about as much as I do. Which is to say, not at all. Though I suppose we should all be rather grateful she was there that day. From a certain point of view.
Sadly, there were a great many goblins, undead, and other mooks running about the castle still. Thankfully, none were higher than mid level, and with the narrow corridors one Light of Saber was typically enough to destroy entire groups at a go.
We were making fairly steady progress, though not a one of us had a clue as to where. I have a fair sense of direction, but it wasn't like we had a map of the place, and we were mostly wandering about and hoping not to bump into anything too deadly.
I had just sensed a large group of rather powerful demons coming down the hall before us, so we ducked into a side corridor as Yunyun was running low on mana. I found a small doorway, and picked the lock, and we found ourselves in a servants hall. Halfway down, my Dungeoneering skill alerted me to a hidden passage. Now, as those typically lead to rooms filled with treasure in games, I eagerly informed the girls. Both were all for it: Megumin because exploring forbidden places sounded fun to her, and Yunyun because she was holding my hand and I think she'll go just about anywhere like that. Eris knows I will.
As luck would have it, we did indeed stumble upon a hidden treasure room, brimming to the top with gold, gems, and magical items at the end of the hall. I stood in shock, gazing up at the piled treasures glimmering in the light of several lit braizures. It was everything I'd ever wanted.
I glanced at Yunyun, and shared a smile with her. Well. Perhaps not everything. As I've remarked before, some things are more valuable than all the money in the world. Not many, but Yunyun tops the list. I honestly think I'd have been happier running off to some faraway place where no one ever bothered either of us and raised our family there. Not that being rich is a burden, just that as long as she's there, I'm happy.
Well, except right then. As Megumin picked that time to open her mouth. "Why are the braizures lit? Who's in here?" she demanded, looking around.
Suddenly, there was a yowl, and Chomuske scrambled out from under Megumin's hat and perked on her shoulder, hissing and arching her back. That damn cat had slept through Megumin's Explosion and getting tumbled through the air, but picked now as the time to cause a fuss.
"What is it?" Yunyun asked, gripping my hand tightly and moving closer. "What's wrong?"
FOOLISH MORTALS. HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY INNER SANCTUM!
There was a clink of coins, and Yunyun and I sucked in a breath and took a step back as a hulking figure in dark armor admired with spikes appeared at the top of the pile of treasure.
Unlike the two sensible people in the room, Megumin took a step forward and posed, Chumosuke still hissing from her shoulder. "BEHOLD! I am Megumin! Foremost genius of the Crimson Demon Clan! I have battled orcs, trolls, demons, and things that go bump in the night! And I have come here to destroy the Devil King himself! Be you the Devil King? If so, you shall taste the wrath of my Explosion magic!"
OH. The figure atop the mountain of treasure shifted nervously in the armor, sending down little cascades of bold and sparkling gemstones. WOULDN'T THAT, YOU KNOW, COLLAPSE THE CASTLE RIGHT ON TOP OF YOU, AND KILL US ALL?
"HA! I am of the Crimson Demon Clan! We do not fear death! Instead, we embrace it, as a long lost lover, screaming our defiance as we hurl ourselves into the void!" Megumin cackled.
"Speak for yourself, I've bloody died twice already and I don't look forward to repeating the experience!" I snapped at Megumin unthinkingly.
The apparent Devil King nodded quickly, raising his hands in apparent supplication. HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW. I DIED ONCE MYSELF. HAD AN UNFORTUNATE RUN IN WITH TRUCK-KUN. IT'S INCREDIBLY PAINFUL. WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE RATIONAL PEOPLE, INSTEAD OF GOING STRAIGHT FOR THE INCENDIARY OPTION?
I blinked. "Wait, Truck-Kun? How the bloody hell do you know about him? Aren't you the Devil King?"
THAT, ER, ISN'T IMPORTANT. LOOK, THE POINT IS, DEATH IS RATHER PERMANENT, AND I'D JUST AS SOON AVOID IT. MEGUMIN, RIGHT? THAT'S A GOOD PLACE TO START. WHY DON'T WE GIVE OUR NAMES, AND TALK ABOUT THIS. I'M-
"I do not care what your name is!" Megumin snarled, her eyes glowing as she pointed her staff at the Devil King, then I shall be your end! Now, I shall sing the song that shall end the world! Oh Crimson Flame in all your brightness, come forth now and-"
WAIT! DON'T! LOOK, WE CAN ALL BE FRIENDS! YOU CAN HAVE THE TREASURE! JUST DON'T-ARRGGHH!
In his panic, the Devil King slipped on his own treasure, and went tumbling down the coins, causing a massive money-avalanche, which had Megumin, Yunyun and myself diving for cover behind some large marble statues. When the currency settled, we peaked out, and found only a dark iron gauntlet poking out of a drift of eris.
"Oh no! We have to help him!" Yunyun wailed, and scrambled towards the gauntlet, coins and precious stones scattering everywhere.
"What? No! He's the Devil King, we have to kill him!" Megumin argued, and floundered forward as well.
"He said he wants to be friends," Yunyun said stubbornly, beginning to dig the Devil King out. "I think we should listen."
"What?! No! He's evil, we have to kill him!" Megumin snapped.
Yunyun stuck her chin out and glared, her eyes flashing with crimson light. "And what about Chomusuke? Are you the only one who gets to have a dark goddess as a familiar? What if I wanted to turn him into something nice, like a pet goat."
Megumin hesitated, and glanced at her familiar, who was hissing at the pile of coins. "Um, well, I mean...I suppose that would count as defeating him…"
"I just want to know how the hell he knows about Truck-kun," I said, and began to excavate the Devil King alongside Yunyun.
"Who's Truck-Kun?" Megumin asked as she began to scrape away eris as well.
"Well, Truck-kun is sort of a joke in Japan," I grunted as we exposed the Devil King's helmet. "Often, in a story, a character will be killed by a truck or car hitting them. Usually right before they wind up getting sent to another world."
"Did that happen to you?" Yunyun asked curiously.
I shrugged. "Sort of, though I was hit by a Nissan Vversa. It's smaller, but same principal."
THIS IS ALL VERY FASCINATING, BUT COULD YOU PLEASE HURRY UP? THIS ISN'T VERY COMFORTABLE, the Devil King moaned as we continued to unbury him.
Megumin ignored the plea, sitting up and looking at me with her head cocked to one side. "You mean, you're really from another world, Kazuma?"
"Yes, I'm from Japan, which is on Earth. What, did you think someone named Kazuma Sato was from around here?" I demanded as we finished unburying the groaning evil overlord.
The Devil King looked at me, his helmet tilting to one side. KAZUMA SATO? I HAD A YOUNG NEPHEW NAMED KAZUMA SATO. I'M HANZO SATO. I WAS A NEET FROM NAGANO BEFORE I ENDED UP HERE.
I jerked back, shocked. "What? I'm from Nagano! Was a bit of a NEET myself. How the hell did you end up as the Devil King though?"
HONESTLY, IT WAS ALL A BIT OF A MISTAKE, REALLY. I WAS GIVEN A DIVINE ITEM BY THE GODDESS AQUA. LET ME CONTROL MONSTERS, MAKE THEM FIGHT FOR ME. NEXT THING I KNEW, I'D MANAGED TO CONTROL AN ENTIRE ARMY. BEFORE I KNEW, IT ALL THESE INCREDIBLY STRONG DEMONS AND DARK GODDESSES STARTED COMING TO ME AND OFFERING TO HELP ME TAKE OVER THE WORLD. I COULDN'T VERY WELL SAY NO, THEY'D HAVE KILLED ME!
I nodded in rueful commiseration. "I know the feeling. I sort of stumbled into the hero gig myself. Honestly, if it weren't for Yunyun here, I'd probably be dead, or goddess forbid, working as a day laborer for a pittance. But you've been the devil king for ages, haven't you?"
DECADES! THANK GOODNESS FOR MY MAGIC ITEMS. THIS ARMOR PROTECTS ME FROM ALL HARM, EVEN AGEING! THERE'S JUST ONE SLIGHT PROBLEM WITH IT.
I cocked my head to one side. "Do tell."
The Devil King looked nervously to Yunyun and Megumin, then leaned in close to me and said in a whisper, only a virgin can wear it. i qualify, you see, but honestly the luster is wearing off. what's the point of living forever if you can't get laid?
I nodded in understanding, but then frowned. "Wait, you said you had a nephew named Kazuma Sato. Were you 16 when you died? Was your brother Kaito Sato? He's my father."
WHAT? LITTLE KAZUMA? BUT HOW?! YOU SHOULD BE AN OLD MAN BY NOW! I REMEMBER I DIED NOT LONG AFTER YOU STARTED SCHOOL, BUT I'VE BEEN HERE AT LEAST 60 YEARS!
"Uncle Hanzo?!" I gasped. "Good goddesses, I remember going to your graveside!"
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! UNLESS...WERE YOU TRAPPED IN A SUIT OF ARMOR AS WELL?
I shook my head ruefully. "No. Time flows differently in Belzerg: it seems like a few years in Japan is decades here."
Throughout our conversation, Yunyun and Megumin were gaping at both Uncle Hanzo and I. At last, Megumin interrupted our reunion. "You are the nephew of the Devil King, Kazuma!? I knew you had a dark and tragic past, but this...this is…"
HORRIFYING, I KNOW.
"Utterly amazing!" Megumin declared, her eyes shining. Hanzo jerked back, but I patted him on the shoulder.
"She's a Crimson Demon. They're like that. Rather charming, really. An entire people whose culture is devoted to chunibyoism."
REALLY? I WAS QUITE THE CHUNIBYO MYSELF. STILL AM, REALLY. PART OF WHAT'S KEPT ME ALIVE IS I'M GOOD AT DELIVERING LONG ELABORATE SPEECHES, YOU SEE.
"Um, Kazuma, what should we do?" Yunyun asked nervously. "We can't kill your uncle, that would be mean. I think we should be friends."
YES! ABSOLUTELY! WE SHOULD DEFINITELY BE FRIENDS! NO NEED TO KILL ANYONE!
I nodded, but frowned. "There is the issue of you being the Devil King. We can't just walk out of here; your minions would notice."
ACTUALLY, NOT REALLY. I NEVER TAKE OFF THE ARMOR, YOU SEE. IT GIVES OFF A DEMONIC AURA, SO THEY DON'T THINK I'M HUMAN AT ALL. THEY THINK I'M ACTUALLY A POWERFUL DEMON, TO CONTROL SO MANY TERRIBLE MONSTERS.
"Well, you can either take off the armor, or I can Explode you," Megumin told him, glaring and folding her arms under her chest and pushing up slightly. I don't think I was imagining it: she was trying to push up her breasts and make them seem more impressive as they are. It didn't really work: she's been flat as a board her entire life, even after having children she didn't get much bigger. Give me a properly sized chest like Yunyun's any day.
I'LL TAKE IT OFF! I'LL TAKE IT OFF! Frantically, Hanzo worked at his helmet, and after a few solid yanks, managed to get it off.
For someone who had spent several decades trapped in the armor, he looked remarkably hale. A little pasty, and his hair was long and greasy, but he looked a lot like me. Or, rather, as I had looked back when I'd rarely ventured out to greet the hell orb. A bit more scrambling and he soon had his black armor off, tossing it away.
"There, you see? No need to explode anyone!" Hanzo the ex-Devil King said nervously.
Megumin slowly nodded, then held out her hand. "Your Divine Item."
Hazon blinked. "What?"
"It is how you became the Devil King. If you truly wish to reform, surrender your Divine Item. Otherwise…" Megumin's eyes flashed menacingly, and Chokuske hissed.
"Right! I get it, I get it!" Quickly, Hanzo shucked off a large gold band from his finger, and passed it to Megumin. "There you go! See? I'm totally reformed!"
"HA, YOU FOOLS!" Megumin cackled, and slid the ring onto her finger. "Now, I Megumin, Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, shall fulfill my destiny! With this, I shall descend to the very depths of hell, and emerge as The Devil QUEEN! All Monsters shall be bent to my whims, and-"
"Oh, no that won't work," Hanzo told her, shaking his head. "It only works for me. For anyone else, it's just a ring."
"WHAT?!" Megumin snarled, grabbing Hanzo by the collar and shaking him. "You're lying! You're trying to usurp my newly conquered throne! I should Explode you for such filthy lies!"
"N-no! Please! T-that's what Aqua told me! Y-ou can try, but, you'll probably just get eaten!" Hanzo babbled, tears streaming down his face. "Please, don't kill me! I never wanted to be the Devil King! I just, I got in too deep! I was so used to pretending to be the Devil King I couldn't stop! Plus, if I did, all those monsters I was controlling would rampage across the countryside, and they'd try to eat me!"
"What happens to them now?" I asked, suddenly worried.
Hanzo shrugged. "Well, they're mostly dead now. That maniac of a princess outside has just about finished slaughtering all of my minions. I was hiding in here, hoping you'd all miss me and I could sneak away later with some treasure."
"Hmm." Megumin considered this, then nodded. "I have a plan."
"Oh?" I asked, a sense of dread creeping down my spine as Megumin smirked. "What is it?"
I was right to be worried. As the four of us ran down the escape tunnel, Hanzo carrying the collapsed Megumin on his back, I screamed, "You manic! You Explosion obsessed lolicon mage! There was no need to Explode all that treasure!"
"Everyone will believe the Devil King is dead now," Megumin cackled as the fortress collapsed above us. "I blew him up, after all! Along with all his treasure and guards! I went up ten levels! What level are you, Yunyun?"
"Level 51!" Yunyun panted as she and I pelted down the tunnel side by side, still holding hands. It was a bit lewd, but we were both terrified, so I think you can excuse us.
"AH-HA! I win again! I am now level 56! Truly, I, Megumin, and the foremost genius of the Crimson Demon Clan!"
"Well miss foremost genius, you just blew up an entire castle, and you better hope none of our other friends were inside, or I'm going to bloody well kill you and you'd best hope Aqua's in a generous enough mood to resurrect you!" I snarled.
Megumin paled, her eyes going wide. "Oh. I did not think about that."
"Megumin, you NEVER think, you just blow things up! You're as bad as the rest of our people! I'm going to institute education reform! People need to think before they go blowing up occupied buildings, especially if they are the ones occupying them!" Yunyun declared. Honestly, it's one the most sensible policies she's ever put in place, and the world is a safer and sanner place for it. Even if my granddaughter keeps failing the class.
I'll have you know, I always make sure buildings are unoccupied before I use an Explosion, and I've never once blown up a building I was in. I'd say I learned everything I needed to from that class, even if I did have to take it three times. As for the fact that my grandfather on my mother's side is the Devil King... Honestly, does it really surprise anyone that Megumin married the former evil overlord? She's gone about telling everyone who will listen that she's the Devil Queen for nearly 70 years now. She wasn't lying. - NS
