A/N PLEASE READ: Ok, so, this chapter happened a while ago, chronologically speaking, a little before Amelija arrived (you'll notice they're alone in the house). I wrote most of it some time ago, but was too cowardly to post it because it's somewhat NSFW. I wouldn't call it very graphic, but still, if you don't want to read that sort of thing, you can just skip it and follow the plot onward just fine. I personally like this chapter, I just didn't want people on the internet to know that I have a beating heart. However, it's Friday, I finished this, and I'm a little less than sober, so here you go.

Erik stormed out of his room, trying to cover his face with his hands and putting his shirt back on as quickly as possible at the same time.

"I can't do this", he said sharply, turning away from Alina who stepped out of the room slowly behind him.

"Alright", she replied quietly, covering her own shoulders in her blanket and trying her best not to look hurt. "You don't have to do anything."

That was not what he wanted to hear, but what was it that he wanted to hear? What would have soothed the burning shame he felt all over his body? For once, he felt that if he reached out to her it would have only made it worse; he wanted to curl up within himself and disappear forever.

"I'm sorry", she said very quietly. "What did I do?"

"Nothing", he replied, completely surprised. "It's not your fault."

"Ah." she managed.

"This is just wrong. It feels wrong. I can't do it", he said, still turned away from her, waving his hands in frustration. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry", she whispered. "You have the right not to want me."

That was shocking enough to shake him out of his spiraling, curling thoughts and force him to turn to her. "What?"

Alina shrugged, not eager to elaborate.

"Is that what you think this is about?" he asked. "Me not wanting… you?"

Alina shrugged again. She'd prefer it if he didn't repeat it so much.

"It's not", he said, wide-eyed. "It has nothing to do with that."

"Ah", she repeated, tightening the blanket around her.

"Listen", he said, shame coming back full-force with some frustration on the side. "It has to do with… other things." he felt his cheeks burning, heat spreading all the way to his ears.

Alina looked at him in silence for a few seconds, pondering whether to ask or not. "What things?"

"I, I can't, I can't talk about it!" he nearly hissed, running his hands through his hair.

She looked at him for another second, before averting her eyes when she realized this was not the best time to stare at him.

"I'm sorry!" he continued, walking past her to go back to his room. "I'm sorry you have to… I'm sorry I disappointed you!" he closed the door and locked it, standing in the middle of the room and debating whether he should simply dig a hole in the ground and throw himself in it.

A few moments later, he heard light shuffling outside as Alina moved to sit in front of the room, leaning her back on the door. She rapped lightly on the door with her fingers, but otherwise said nothing. She did have her own key to the room - she could have attempted to enter if she wanted to, but she just sat there.

After a few minutes, he walked to the door and slid down, sitting on the other side. He could feel she was close, even though she was on the other side of this thick wooden plank. He could see her shadow through the gap above the floor.

"I'm sorry", he repeated. "I didn't think it would be like this."

There was no noise on the other side.

"I'm afraid being with me is just disappointment all the way through", he continued. "I wish I could- give you all you deserve, all that I have to make you happy." he took a deep breath. "Unfortunately, all that I have is not much. Not nearly enough."

"But it's all I want", he heard a faint whisper through the door.

"But all it does is make you miserable", he raised his voice slightly. "Do you think I didn't want to - don't want to - this - one thing I - why can't anything go right for once?"

"Maybe it's not about going right or wrong", came another whisper.

"There is not a single thing I can do like a - a - an actual man!" he was nearly yelling now. "I was stupid to want this, stupid to assume I would somehow - " he stopped himself and started breathing deeply, unable to finish the sentence.

"Am I stupid to want this, too, then?" came another whisper.

"You're wrong", he managed. "It's wrong. You're … mistaken."

"Mistaken?"

"About me", he whispered. "About… all this. I'm not a man who will- hold you and give you what you deserve, and what you want -"

"What are you then?"

"I am rot", he spat out finally. It even felt sort of cathartic, saying it out loud for the first time. "I'll poison you and the more you let me touch you, the worse it will get."

Alina blinked in stunned silence. How was she supposed to reply to that?

"You're… afraid of hurting me?" she finally managed after a minute.

Erik sighed. It was, at the same time, spot-on and completely beside the point.

"Do you not think I would tell you if you were hurting me?" she asked. "Do you not think I would protest if this was not what I wanted?"

She could swear she heard a nearly-soundless sob from the other side. Yes, he knew that she would - but if she did, it would end him. Especially since…

"Hurting is all I can do", he said.

"Clearly, that has not been true so far", she said gently. "Why is now any different?"

"I was pretending."

"Oh? It was all pretense? You don't actually love me?"

"I do."

"What, then?"

"I was pretending to be a normal man. To myself. It made… everything easier."

"Oh. And now you're no longer pretending?" Alina's mind raced. That, as insane as it sounded, did explain some of this.

"I can't." he took another breath. "You know everything. You've… seen everything. And I can't really… hide anymore. Even if you're delusional, if I-" he swallowed again, "if you just look at me now- it's obvious. I'm not someone else."

"Ah." she paused. "No masks. Literally and figuratively."

"So to speak."

"Do you think it's some other man I want?"

"You say you don't", he said slowly. "But it doesn't change how… how it feels when you look at- "

"How does it feel?"

"Shame. Burning. So scorching, it turns… touch into... hot iron."

"I'm sorry", she whispered. "I didn't know."

"It's not your fault."

"I want to help", floated through the door to him, like a soft little cloud among spikes and thorns.

"I don't know how."

"What do you want, then?" she asked.

"I don't know. I want to disappear."

"That would ruin me", she said gently. "I'd rather you didn't disappear, whichever shape or form you are. However close I can get."

He waited for a moment before asking, "Would that be enough?"

"Yes."

"Even if it doesn't get better?"

"Even so. I'll still love you", she added tenderly through the door.

She heard nothing for the longest time yet. Erik sat in the same position on the floor for God knows how long, gathering his courage.

He raised his hand above his head and unlocked the door.

Alina waited some more.

"If you're still leaning on the door, you might want to move", he added.

Alina shuffled to the right until her back was against the wall, right next to the door.

The door opened and Erik slowly came out, illuminated in the very dim light of the candle that burned on the kitchen table - just barely bright enough to discern that he was still disheveled and without his mask. He closed the door behind him and very slowly sat next to her on the floor, looking ahead of him.

After a few moments of silence, Alina took his hand and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"I love you too", he said. After a few moments, he added, "I'll try."

ooo

Burning shame all over his skin subsided with time to just a dull pain in his chest as they sat together on the floor, lost in thought. Erik's head leaned on Alina's over time without him noticing it, until she shifted slightly and her hair tickled against his exposed cheek. He turned a little to plant a small kiss on top of her head. She chuckled slightly.

"I don't know how long we've been sitting here, but I'm quite sure my legs are numb by now", she said.

"Sorry."

"Apologize one more time today, I swear to God-"

"Fine, fine", he said. "Do you want to move?"

"Oh, yes. But I don't think I can. You might have to carry me", she said, looking at him innocently. Erik turned to her, sighing, as the corner of his mouth twitched into a slight smile. He put her arm over his shoulders and hauled her to her feet with him, putting the other arm under her knees and lifting her up in his arms.

"Happy?" he asked. She leaned her face on his shoulder, smiling. It was still very unnerving to have her so close to his exposed head, but sort of easier when she wasn't looking directly at him.

"Mhm", she grinned.

"Where am I carrying you?"

"Well, it would be wise if we both went back to bed", she said slowly. "Technically, it's still very much night-time."

"Fine", he sighed, walking back to his room. He lowered her on the bed gently, then sat on its edge.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep", he admitted. I'd like to lie close to you again, if you still want-

"You can keep me company", Alina smiled with her eyes half-closed and her dark hair spilled all over the pillows. "Or, not. Whatever you prefer. I'll be around", she laughed.

That struck a chord. Erik kept looking silently ahead.

"It's really fine, if you want some time for yourself", Alina said. In the dim light, he noticed how her lips always had a particular upward curve to them, as if she was always smiling, and how the wisps of her hair always seemed to find a way to rest on her cheeks.

He turned to face her. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

She smiled slightly.

"Well, you are."

"Are you afraid I'll disappear if you leave this room?" She asked gently.

"Huh." He stood up. "I suppose I'll have to find out."

He left the room, straightening his shirt - but decided to keep his mask off, for reasons he couldn't really explain.

ooo

"Alina?" Erik entered the room only fifteen minutes later, with a very shy look in his eyes. "Are you still awake?"

"I am." But apparently already quite sleepy, as she turned and looked at him through dark eyelashes.

"Can I-"

Alina shifted to make room for him without a word, and he carefully lay down next to her. He lay his head down on his arm, turning to her, with his other hand tracing very lightly down her cheek.

"I don't tell you often enough how beautiful you are", he remarked. "You're entirely radiant- you're like the sun, and sometimes it's hard to even look at you. Every time you're near me, every single thing around you is illuminated. Every color becomes brighter. Everything becomes right as it should be - sometimes even me."

Alina's dark eyes glinted in the dim light looking more awake now, but she made no sound.

"Maybe", he said, fingers tracing lightly down her neck. Alina closed her eyes and sighed quietly, and Erik thought his heart might damn near burst out of his chest. He tried to steady himself, hoping she wouldn't notice his hand shaking. "Maybe I should allow it - the possibility of it happening - without any games or pretense. Maybe it really was me in here with you all along."

Alina said nothing, but her chest moved a little quicker as his fingers moved down to her collarbone.

"Is this bad, what I'm doing?" he asked, as his hand moved slowly a little lower. "Am I capable of destroying you, in any way?"

Alina let out a barely audible little moan as Erik's fingers traced gently across her breast, and her back reflexively arched slightly to get closer to him.

"Oh God", he whispered. "Oh, oh God, you are so beautiful."

Alina grabbed the front of his shirt and slowly pulled him closer until he was on top of her. Erik moved carefully, propping himself up on his elbows, as Alina wrapped her legs around his and unbuttoned the top two buttons on his shirt. Her cheeks were very obviously flushed, her eyes half-closed as she ran her fingers down his scarred chest.

Erik finally lost himself.

Kneeling above her, he undid the laces of her nightdress in a frenzy, and she followed with the same fervor; laughing slightly when her sleeve got stuck as she frantically pulled it off. She lay there, underneath him, happy and vulnerable as the night air tickled her skin, tracing the scars on his narrow, mangled chest with her fingers. Erik repeated the same process in the same fevered rush with his own clothes as he suddenly decided there wasn't a single inch of his body that wasn't screaming for direct contact with her skin. Feeling a sudden sense of unease, he lay back down and hugged her to him tightly, burying his face in her neck and pulling the bed covers over them both. He paused like that for a moment, soaking in the warmth.

"We're safe", he said without thinking. "And I love you."

"We are. I love you too", she whispered.

"I need to know you want this."

"I do."

For the first time in his life, Erik drowned in the feeling of warmth all around him; he felt it in his chest, his throat, his lungs, his hands - he could feel Alina's heartbeat synching up with his own and her body holding him so close that he couldn't tell anymore where his own body ended. All the sharp, painful spikes in his head retracted and drowned in the all-forgiving warmth with each movement he made, until he finally collapsed into her arms, both of them breathing in the same heavy unison.

He wanted to ask her if she was alright, but the words wouldn't leave his mouth. Everything around him disappeared except for her heartbeat in his ear and her fingers running through his hair.