Cards Against the Crystal Gems
Amethyst started the final round. "What's my secret power?"
They picked their cards.
"Being fat and stupid. Hey! Who's the wise guy?"
Bismuth raised her hand. "I've accepted that I'm not gonna win at this point."
"Spending lots of money. I'll have you know I steal most things."
"Which I have to go back and pay for." Pearl growled.
"Seething with quiet resentment. I am feeling some resentment towards someone on the other side of the table. Dreamwalking in on your friends' wet dreams. I wish I could do that. None of your damn business. Yeah, it's supposed to be a secret! We have a winner."
Lapis casually took the card.
Garnet drew another card. "Forget everything you know about , because now we've supercharged it with _!"
They quickly chose two white cards.
"Forget everything you know about a little girl with a knife, because now we've supercharged it with a really cool hat!"
"Now she has a knife and a hat!" Amethyst exclaimed. "She's got it all!"
"Forget everything you know about pussy, because now we've supercharged it with shapeshifting!"
"Why didn't anyone play that during the last card?" Amethyst complained.
"Forget everything you know about blowjobs for everyone, because now we've supercharged it with the secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction!"
"Sounds mildly interesting." Lapis commented.
"Forget everything you know about getting depressed and super fat, because now we've supercharged it with being trapped in a mirror for a few thousand years!"
"Why would anyone want to make depression more depressing?" Peridot asked.
"Forget everything you know about sports, because now we've supercharged it with endless ninjas!"
"That'll certainly make things more interesting." Bismuth remarked.
"Blowjobs for everyone." Garnet decided.
Pearl added another card to her collection and drew the next. "_ may pass, but _ will last forever."
The gems picked their answers.
"An arrangement wherein I give a person money and they have sex with me may pass, but one unforgettable night of passion will last forever."
"Until the sun comes up and then it's over." Lapis pointed out.
"I thought it was kind of poetic." Garnet said.
"My vagina may pass, but my soul will last forever."
"That's deep." Peridot gasped.
"Systems and policies designed to preserve centuries-old power structures may pass, but MechaHitler will last forever."
Garnet cracked her knuckles. "We'll see about that."
"A sad fat dragon with no friends may pass, but together breakfast will last forever. It better not! Three consecutive seconds of happiness may pass, but Rose's lachrymal essence will last forever."
"Someone's pandering to the judge." Bismuth observed.
"And it worked." Pearl said.
Garnet smirked and took the card.
Bismuth grabbed the next card. "I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like _."
They all gave her a white card.
"I fuck like Garnet's secret animal friends. And how do they fuck, Garnet?"
"Intensely."
"I fuck like Yellow Diamond."
"Wow thanks for putting that image in my gem." Peridot said sarcastically.
"I fuck like a cat with… hands."
"One of your 'secret animal friends' I take it?" Pearl asked.
"I fuck like Lars trying to act cool."
"Not much to look at and terrible at sex." Amethyst surmised.
"I fuck like square mom."
"I doubt it." Garnet said.
"Still, I have to pick it." Bismuth gave the card to Lapis.
Peridot picked up the final card. "We are the Crystal _!"
Garnet carefully considered her choice.
"We are the Crystal geese!"
No one reacted much.
"We are the Crystal haters!"
"Sounds like Homeworld propaganda." Bismuth scoffed.
"We are the Crystal trees!"
No one reacted much to this either.
"We are the Crystal bitches!"
Amethyst applauded. "Great answer. Can we change our name to that?"
"No." Garnet said.
"We are the Crystal onions!"
"No!" Pearl shouted.
"Umm…" Peridot hesitated. "Bitches!"
"Yes!" Pearl cheered. "And with that, I believe I win."
"Count your cards to make sure." Amethyst instructed. "I have 33."
"38." Garnet reported.
"40!" Pearl said triumphantly.
"34 over here." Bismuth said.
"28." Peridot sighed.
"30." Lapis said.
Pearl jumped up. "I win! Who sucks at this game now?"
Amethyst clapped. "Congratulations, Pearl! You're the worst person here."
"Wait, what?"
"Party game for horrible people, remember?"
Peridot perked up. "Which means I'm the best! In your faces, clods!"
There was a knock at the door. Everyone paused.
"Pearl, go answer it." Garnet ordered.
Pearl slowly approached the door. She cautiously opened it…
And there was Onion.
"W-w-we finished the game! All the cards! And I won so leave us alone!"
Onion held up a cake with "Congratulations Pearl!" sloppily written in icing.
"For me?"
He nodded and held it closer.
She hesitantly took it.
Then Onion left.
Pearl stared.
Amethyst startled Pearl by suddenly shouting, "Cake? Lucky!"
"Amethyst, you know very well there are a thousand reasons why I do not want this."
"So, I can have it then?"
Pearl pushed the cake into Amethyst's arms.
"All right!" She swallowed it in one bite. "Ah. Okay so, who wants to play again?"
