Like I said, some things rob an author of their motivation to write. I'm working on 2 projects and a half at the same time, I'm also writing stuff for my work and real life stuff exists too. I don't have time and interest for people who act like parasites, fake polite or not it's the same.
"Certain things never stop going through my mind
I'm a hero but unfortunately at times I'm worthless
I smile looking at the sun" (Translated from F. Moro- Respiro 'Breath')
The following day they went outside.
Sasuke gave Shisui his cloak, since the shirt and pants he had found as he had pulled the elder off the machines were not warm enough.
A cold pale sun peeked from grey clouds but for his cousin it was more than he had had in years, Sasuke could tell from the way he looked around, discovering every tree, every bush, every rock as if he had never seen one, and from his memories, for he had felt the same after being released from jail, when, after taking only a few steps outside the prison, he had started feeling dizzy because the light was strong and there were flowers and their smell and birds chirping and from the black pit of despair and nightmares he had been, he had forgotten that these things existed.
The sun on his cheeks had felt like the caress of a mother; he had felt unworthy of receiving such warmth, for he was a traitor, a criminal who had deserved the punishment he had been put through, and who deserved even more, but Konoha, in the shape of the Sixth Hokage Kakashi, had been magnanimous pardoning him and letting him roam free.
A bird with white and blue feathers captured his attention. Sasuke explained that it was a jay, just like the brown and teal ones they had in the Land of Fire, where it never snowed, unlike here.
"Where is 'here'?"
Shisui asked then.
"That's why you came by boat," Shisui commented upon learning that they were in the Land of Water.
Sasuke hadn't mentioned it, but he had seen it in his memories.
"I've never been...here. They were enemies. I remember Kirigakure shinobi tried to infiltrate our territory once but we pushed them back".
He recalled.
They gathered mushrooms.
There was enough food in the hideout but since outside there were many tasty ones they would have been a nice addition, and since Sasuke remembered Juugo always picked them, he did it almost automatically.
Suigetsu would hunt little animals sometimes but he couldn't eat them, as after the massacre the images of his butchered mother, father and everyone he knew, came to his mind whenever he saw a plate of anything that used to have a heart.
Juugo didn't eat meat either, and upon knowing about him, he started to gather more and more mushrooms whenever he could.
Everyone seemed to agree on them: even dd, who would always complain whenever they had only vegetables, liked them.
Shisui liked the soup. He said that he would have never imagined eating food prepared by little Sasuke, as once it was him the one to cook for the other, despite the terrible results.
Sasuke widened his eyes, the elder's words bringing back an episode he had forgotten; maybe because the rice was sticky and the vegetables burnt, but they had had a good time.
Besides, after the massacre he had eaten sticky rice and burnt vegetables many times, not being able to cook and trying to imitate the actions his mother did so flawlessly, making it seem so much simpler.
Later, after a relaxed chat where his cousin reminded him of another failed attempt at cooking for him where he had to eat everything out of politeness and sheer hunger after having trained, Sasuke asked him a different question.
"It's a long trip to this place...Do you remember how you came here?"
Shisui's look got lost in vague memories, his lips turned downwards.
He used to be a team leader, a top-notch, clan leader level shinobi, and yet he didn't have answers to such basic questions. It was humiliating.
"No idea...the only place I remember was like this but I could hear the sound of water. A waterfall maybe".
Along the course of the Naka river there were several waterfalls. Even Orochimaru had a little space in one of its plunge pools and he stayed there once, to meditate and prepare himself before the sannin taught him his trademark body replacement technique.
Maybe they were close and he didn't know. What a failure he was, not understanding his brother's intention and not sensing his cousin's presence.
Those voices -nightmares, Kakashi said, coming from his guilty conscience- were right, he was worthless.
He was about to say something else but he stopped.
"What else do you remember?"
Sasuke asked, waiting for the other to gather his thoughts, but Shisui was unexpectedly fast.
"When I woke up I couldn't see...when I could see I couldn't move...when I could move...I was defeated. That's all".
He mumbled, along with the excuse to need some fresh air.
Resting was a luxury Sasuke wasn't always granted.
After the massacre, he either cried himself to sleep or he trained to exhaustion until fatigue got the best of him; under Orochimaru he was alert even during the night -until he just let the snake do what he wanted at any time, as long as he became stronger- and with Team Taka he was often haunted by insomnia and the overwhelming urge to revise his plan, his next moves, everything he needed to avenge his brother, that's, when he could afford it, he would close his eyes, and sink into slumber.
He didn't even know if he was awake or asleep when he was in jail: he just knew that nightmares were worse than ever, because he was a criminal and he deserved those voices calling him names and those hands touching him all over.
Here too he seemed to not be able to sleep, as in the middle of the night he was awakened by Shisui's screams.
He rushed to him, as he might have been in pain for some unknown aftereffect of no longer receiving chakra from the machine.
He placed his hand on the elder's forehead to check his temperature, but he didn't have a fever; realizing that he was having a nightmare he first called the elder, then he tapped his arm lightly, trying to make him come back.
He didn't even have time to move, let alone prevent the other from headbutting him in the nose.
The pain was strong and the blood loss was massive; but Shisui had seemingly calmed down, so he left to take care of his injury using the machine.
As he was pulling his cousin off it, he had been considering using it to heal wounds, eventually, activating its chakra in a lower scale and directing it to a specific area, and so he did, proving his previous intuition to be right.
When he finished he tried to catch some rest but all his thoughts went to his cousin and his nightmares, hoping that they were not as horrible as his own.
When he woke up he had no idea what time it could be, or where his cousin could be.
Maybe he felt bad and left, looking for something or someone to help him, even if he was right there. Maybe he didn't want anything to do with him, and he had intentionally almost broken his nose the previous night.
A silent panic crept inside him: what if Shisui left him?
He rushed outside, to another grey and damp day, looking for tracks of the other's passage, and after some minutes he found him.
He was picking mushrooms.
"Itachi once told me how strange it was, for someone with a sweet tooth like him, that his little brother liked bitter roots... "
And roots. He had some in his hands as well.
"...A little quantity of them adds balance to the taste…"
The younger replied, dumbfounded, instinctively quoting his mother, who sometimes explained to him cooking related things, making him taste foods in the process.
The elder seemed to not remember what had happened.
Or maybe he did, subconsciously, and picking vegetables was an apology.
After a few days of exercises to obtain complete control of his limbs' movements and strength, he offered the younger to spar.
Sasuke was thrilled, as this was one of his child's dreams coming true.
As well as working in the Uchiha Police Force with his father and brother.
As well as his father being proud of him just like he was of his older brother.
"You're good for someone whose first attempt to do a flying kick ended with his butt in the mud!"
He was swift and graceful, even more so considering his handicap.
The elder joked, referring to a particularly embarrassing moment of his childhood. Pretending to not see that he was missing an arm.
"Are you holding back because of my arm?"
He asked, his rhythm getting faster. The other didn't lie: maybe he was, as he didn't find it fair otherwise.
"Who cares about fair!" Sasuke's fist almost reached his cousin's face.
"You don't have to".
Shisui smirked, tilting his head on the side to dodge the punch, increasing his own rhythm until he cornered Sasuke against a tree.
Then he got closer, his long curls brushing the younger's cheeks and clavicle.
"I have an idea..."
He whispered while his hand travelled from Sasuke's chest to his hips and thigh. There he stopped, undoing the bandage that like every shinobi the other carried on him. He put distance between them while he tied his left arm.
Remembering what he saw -and what he didn't see but easily understood from the boy's memories, Shisui was surprised that was so calm with him so close.
Thinking again and remembering what he saw -and what he didn't see but easily understood, it was just as understandable that he would be used to having his personal space invaded in a more or less inappropriate way, to say the least.
Sasuke stayed silent and still during the other's ministrations.
He held his breath though; when was the last time someone got so close and he wasn't tied up in a straight jacket? Even though Kakashi had been clear: those were just nightmares.
Everything was, he could blame his guilty conscience for them.
His second guess was right, he realized, after another exchange that ended with the boy taking advantage of a moment of distraction provoked by said thoughts, and cornering him against the same tree.
There he got dangerously close to him, so much that he could feel strands of his messy hair brushing his clavicle, and his arm travelling from his chest to his waist and tickling him for a second, and when he put distance between them he was smirking, holding the bandage in his hand.
"I told you...You don't need to hold back".
He should have known, for no one had ever held back with Sasuke, who had been raised by a father who constantly compared him to his genius brother thus he was used to not being on the same level as his opponent, and to strive to get to their level.
He didn't need to be treated fairly, not even when sparring.
He wasn't fair either. It was also obvious from the way he fought.
Shinobi weren't samurai, they were not bound by rules of honor, but still, they had their honor and there were limits that his cousin didn't have.
Kakashi had been called a fraud for using a sharingan that wasn't supposed to exist on someone who wasn't Uchiha; Orochimaru was a mad scientist who didn't even know what morals and loyalty where; even Itachi, his role model, had lived a life of deceit to protect him and the village: no wonder he fought in an unpredictable manner, graceful and lethal, using mixed techniques.
Sasuke didn't want fair; from the following time on, Shisui didn't give him.
They both were serious when fighting, and at the same time they both enjoyed themselves.
Like the time he made Sasuke fall on his back and reached out his hand to lift him up, but once he got a hold of his hand he threw him on the opposite direction, or so he tried, because Sasuke grabbed his ankle and threw him off balance so they both ended on the ground, straddling and pinning the other before being pushed off.
"You really are Orochimaru's pupil, you're good at playing unfair"
Sasuke smirked.
"You too...I'm surprised at how good you are at it".
"Only because you didn't know how I fought…"
Shisui used to be fairer -like Itachi, back when he could afford it- but his past was different: he had fought in the war when he was just a little older than a child, and in his genin days he had harbored jealousy for a teammate. They were rivals and they became friends but at the same time Shisui felt an irrational need to be better than him, and this made the worst side of him come out, so that when, during a difficult mission, he should have rushed to save him, he had hesitated albeit for just a moment and that moment had been enough to cause his friend's death.
His friend's death gave him mangekyou sharingan, and with it remorse and guilt, that only when Itachi came into his life quieted down.
"I wasn't exactly perfect..."
For Itachi you were, Sasuke thought, his mind filled with Itachi's memories where they trained or discussed important matters, where his perfect older brother asked him things, as someone who knew better.
Sharingan memory was partial, as it only referred to what sharingan eyes saw while activated, thus Sasuke missed many things about his brother and his cousin.
The time Shisui had told Itachi how he had obtained his mangekyou, when he had fought hard to appear composed and not cry or look too guilty and ashamed of himself, because he couldn't fail in front of the younger who looked up to him, and who had understood his suffering anyway, offering his comprehension.
The time Shisui had kissed Itachi, who had followed his lead as if it were a new technique to learn, and he hadn't understood if the other had liked it or not, until, days later, he had been kissed by him.
Every time they sparred and when they finished they made love, hiding by the cliff from where he jumped, later.
Every time they were summoned by Danzo, who forbade them from activating their eyes, as paranoid as he was about Uchiha spying on him. He surely wouldn't want them to show others what he ordered to his subordinates, for the village and for himself.
He wasn't that different from Orochimaru exerting his power over the ones he experimented on, but luckily for them it didn't last long; it was too dangerous to have two Uchiha so close, no matter how much he enjoyed humiliating them, and he had many others who could pleasure him.
When those horrible things ended for good, Shisui deleted the memory of the worst moments from Itachi's mind; not all of them because he didn't want his cousin to lower his guard against him.
Using kotoamatsukami on his cousin, whose ability with doujutsu and genjutsu were second only to his, was easier than he expected, so much that it gave him the idea to use it on Fugaku, as the clan leader, maybe even on the Uchiha elders.
He knew that he would have had to deal with the dishonor of delivering the lowest blow to his clan in their whole history, but he was prepared to live with it, as it was better to kill their pride than their lives.
Sparring became a habit for them. When it didn't rain they did it outside, when it did they did it inside, as they cleared the biggest room in the hideout for this purpose.
It was pleasant, not only for Shisui but also for Sasuke, whose only activity after being released from jail was walking endlessly.
Even though the time and mode were different they both had been imprisoned.
They both had been robbed of their freedom.
Physically and mentally, the consequences of the latter being different for each of them.
Inside they were even more focused on each other, as there was nothing else to be distracted by.
Inside Sasuke noticed the many scars on Shisui's body, and the dark look he had whenever he landed a blow on his face, especially close to his eyes.
He wondered if it was because he had plucked his own eye or because Danzo had done it.
He also noticed his curls bouncing around him and the way he licked his lips while stretching his muscled arms.
Inside Shisui noticed the scars on Sasuke's body, not as many as his, but he had a missing arm making them even, in a way.
He wondered if he was still in pain for it, if he still felt like he had it.
He also noticed how pale his skin was in contrast to his pink lips, and nipples, and he felt guilty for it, as the last time he saw this boy he was a child, while he was a young man in love with the boy's older brother.
Even though, when he had jumped off the cliff, he had called Itachi his best friend, the only one he could count on, and the other had looked completely natural hearing those words.
His last words; they had to be the most sincere, so maybe their love got weaker the stronger their worries became, and now it was a beautiful memory, indirectly brought back through the eyes of Itachi's brother.
Sasuke was used to teasing and being teased by Suigetsu, or Karin, or Naruto; it was natural for him to do it with his cousin as well.
"Maybe you're getting old"
Besides, he was still cranky at the elder who more or less consciously held back against him during their sparring sessions.
"Maybe spending so much time attached to a machine made you softer"
On the contrary he didn't hold a grudge against the other for his nightly behavior, whenever he checked on him after hearing him scream; he told himself that he was having nightmares but he couldn't ignore his suffering, no matter where it came from, and no matter what it brought him.
"Are you weaker than a man with only one arm?"
They had to interrupt because of a sudden heavy rain, but once inside, Sasuke seemed to not have had enough, so he teased the elder, he took off his soaked shirt and took a fighting stance.
"I don't see any man here..."
Shisui teased back, doing the same.
"...I only see a child who's way too confident…"
He knew Sasuke wasn't, from the way he only straightened his shoulders and back when he fought and he put a smug façade to appear so; he knew it from the way the younger looked at him, who was taller, keeping his chin down and looking from below upwards with his eyes, in a defensive way, as if he expected to be scolded or worse.
Even though after the massacre he had been considered a prodigy in his class and by Orochimaru he didn't listen to his peers and he didn't trust the one who would have wanted to get his older brother, in a way, not so different from his father who had always compared him to Itachi -even though he did have the sannin's attention. Even too much.
On top of all this, the way he had been treated after the war had fueled his low self-esteem.
He was alone and he hated himself, clearly.
If the child wanted him to be serious he might as well humor him; after all, every day he felt closer to his original strength.
He showed his intention leaping at his cousin at a much higher speed than he used to, and applying much more power to his blows.
Sasuke could barely dodged; hits kept on coming but he smirked, satisfied to see how it was going.
As expected of someone raised to admire strength.
He started to get used to the difference in intensity and counterattack, in his own personal way.
He had already noticed how the elder hated to be hit around his face so he focused his attacks on that part to make him lose composure and focus.
He would have succeeded, if only the other hadn't lost them too much, and if he hadn't also lost track of where he was and who he was fighting with, if only the other hadn't turned feral.
Sasuke could only protect himself with his arms, but at some point it wasn't enough and the elder kneed him in the gut and pushed him on the ground, kicking him when he was down.
Sasuke almost couldn't breathe, but he was able to throw him off balance using his legs. When he too fell on the ground he pounced on him.
He was trying to pin his arms under his knees when the other tried to headbutt him.
Again.
This time though he stopped midway.
He looked unfocused, with a completely different aura, as he had just woke up. Sasuke was about to get off him but the other grabbed him by the shoulders, albeit not in a threatening way.
"I...did this already...haven't I?"
A/N:
I decided to add, as virtual prequel to this story, not only In The Dark (which is fundamental to understand Sasuke here) but also The Will of Fire, which is the second fic I wrote. TWOF is not fundamental to understand the story anyway, but it's fitting as it's set in canon universe, and it's about Itachi and Shisui's relationship and Danzo's abuse.
Shisui saw all of Sasuke's memories because he pried in his brain with sharingan (like the time Sasuke pried a random shinobi's mind to obtain killer b's position). He saw also Itachi's memories because Sasuke has his eyes transplanted, BUT while he saw all Sasuke's memories, he saw only Itachi's memories that were recorded with his sharingan because Itachi's memories are in Sasuke's eyes, not in his mind or heart or whatever. I hope it makes sense.
I wrote a reference to Ao from Kirigakure because he was impressed by Shisui in canon, but I imagined that Shisui hadn't paid much attention to him instead.
Random Taka memories because I love them, as usual.
