Dressed in a lab coat covering a black vest and white dress shirt with a dark red tie, Hiratsuka Shizuka re-read the paper in front of her once more, one of her well manicured eyebrows was starting to twitch violently before she slammed her hand with the paper in it down onto the desk next to her. She glared up at me with all the ferocity of a tiger, while I stared back confused at my current predicament.

"Do you want to tell me what exactly this is, Hikigaya?!" She sounded annoyed as she crossed her legs and leaned backwards into the spinning chair she was seated in.

"It's my essay, Sensei." I glanced nervously at her, but kept my tone firm. I usually do a good job with essays, but I couldn't remember what it was about or when I wrote it. I took a quick glance at the writing, …Stir three times counterclockwise before placing in the diced mandrake into the Cauldron… Shit, I must have spaced out during class and gotten a Snape flashback. Damned greasy git, tormenting me even in death.

"Essay..? Tell me, what exactly was the prompt I gave you?" she asked, frustration mounting at the sight of the indifference that the young man was treating this situation with. A dark-purple aura could probably be seen behind her if one were to squint hard enough and tilt their head at the perfect angle.

"Err… Write an essay looking back on my high school life?" That sounds right. Nice going Hachiman. While he was giving himself a pat on the back his teacher was starting to shake angrily.

"Then what the hell is this?! If this is your idea of a joke then you need to work on your humor." she said, "Good grief, I can feel my hair turning gray just by being near you Hikigaya." she pitched forward slightly and rubbed the bridge of her nose before moving a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

I seemed to forget who was in front of me at the moment, because I replied, "I think that's natural at your age Sen-"

*THUMP*

I lurched forward, glasses clattering to the floor while Hiratsuka-sensei pulled her fist out from my stomach, shaking it in the air threateningly as I fell to on the ground, "You should know better than to bring up a woman's age like that..." she paused waiting for my response, "...Hikigaya?"

I was still on the floor, face down and eyes closed, wondering how exactly this devil-woman still had a job. I heard her shuffle closer before she mumbled under her breath, "I hope I didn't kill him."

"...Heh." A small laugh escaped from my mouth. Her killing me would certainly be the day the apocalypse started, unless it was dying of boredom as she droned on about the power of youth and friendship like some sort of Shonen protagonist.

I dragged myself up to my feet, wincing slightly at the ache in my stomach, as I was reaching for my glasses I noticed a small crack down the middle of the left lens, damn this woman and her violent tendencies. The Modern Japanese and Homeroom teacher had been on my case ever since second year had started, Hikigaya this, Hikigaya that, doesn't she have someone else to bother? Most male students would be ready and eager to please their admittedly attractive sensei, deluded by some sort of fantasy, but it was just annoying at this point.

"Hmm, without those glasses your eyes resemble those of a dead fish, and they are made only slightly better by their unique shade of green," she continued on, already moving past her outburst with practiced ease. I stayed silent, not knowing what else this evil woman would do, but talk about kicking a man while he was down, it was true that my eyes looked bad, but she didn't have to say it. I let my eyewear hang from the neck of my white collared shirt underneath I wore under the school's black blazer. I didn't actually need glasses to see, and the crack in them would only serve to further irritate me.

"Well in any case, you are going to rewrite this properly, or I'll be forced to give you a failing grade on it..." she gave a small smile as if a devious thought just hit her, "Or you can help me with a little side project and I will ignore that this ever happened." she had emphasized the end of her statement by waving around the single sheet of paper that I had turned in. To my annoyance she seemed to believe that I was somehow in the wrong, and had instantly forgotten the fact that she just physically abused me in the teachers workspace.

"What kind of project?" If I was going to have to do work regardless, then this project seemed like the faster of the two. Technically I gave my actual high school experience, seeing as Hogwarts was kind of a high school, why should I be forced into an ultimatum just because she didn't like it?

I knew he could surely get out of this situation with a little effort, but Hiratsuka-sensei had her sights set on me, and it would only end with more effort exerted the longer I resisted. I would never admit it but I was also a teensy bit attention starved from people near my own age, and if I added both lives together she should be around that age, I shivered unconsciously at the thought for some reason. But now I was interested in whatever project the beautiful older woman had for me after the school day was over.

"Just follow me for a second." Sensei smiled at him before she led him to the outskirts of the school, making a few stray comments while I pretended to listen.

xxx

We arrived at a class/storage room that fit in uniformly with all of the other rooms in the hallway. Hiratsuka-sensei brought her fist up to knock before she suddenly changing her mind and pushing the door open with a small clack. She walked into the door with me lagging behind her slightly. Wind from the open window opposite them fluttered the curtain next to it as they came upon a young lady with long black hair tied with two red ribbons sitting on the lone chair in the room reading a book.

Meanwhile I was doing my best not to cringe at the imagery presented, What is this, the epic showdown between two disciples of Hiratsuka-sensei?

As the young lady turned to them she said, "I'm pretty sure I asked you to knock before coming in, Sensei." She spoke in a quiet yet firm tone with an undercut of coldness to it.

"But you never respond when I knock." It was clear that this had happened several times before, So she IS rude to people other than me, then.

"That's because you don't wait before rudely barging in." She paused for a moment, "So, who's the Neanderthal?"

Who does this chick think she is, and why am I getting the strongest case of déjà vu right now? I didn't deem it necessary to respond to a question like that, so I waited for Sensei to continue.

"He wishes to join your club." Hiratsuka says, causing me to turn to her in surprise, this was the project she needed help on?

"...grk..." a quiet noise escaped my mouth, I think I've made a mistake, maybe I should've just rewritten that essay.

"You are going to join this club to make up for the joke of an essay you gave me," Really? She thought she could trap me in this little club? There's no way I was staying here after today. She turned to look back at me as if reading my mind, "any formal complaints can be given to the nearest trash can."

Hiratsuka turned back to look at the younger girl, "As you can see he is a rotten man with no greater aspirations in life, basically a leech living off of the blood of normal humans." she was really laying into me today, at this point I was resigned to my fate of being a human punching bag.

"That's why he stands before you as a pitiful loner, I request that you turn him into an acceptable member of society during his stay in your club, you have my permission to try anything for this personal request of mine." Hey, I'm only a loner because everyone in this school is like 20 years younger than me mentally. Finishing off her huge monologue she says, "I suggest finding something he cares about and exploiting it ruthlessly." Threats to Komachi must be terminated. I'll be watching you both carefully.

"I refuse."

Phew, it looked like this girl had some common sense, I had never before been so happy, truly I would be forever grateful to this random school girl, my abrupt departure from the Going-Home Club would never come to pass.

"Just looking at his scheming eyes makes me fear for my life." I take everything I said back, this girl was a loony, and not in the good way. She was clutching her hands over her non-existent chest, and had pushed herself further away from me in a threatened manner.

"Did you look up "How to make friends" on wikihow by chance? Because you really should reevaluate how you make your first impressions." Seriously who would even look at you twice when someone like sensei is in the same room. The fact that a girl that hadn't even finished puberty was talking down to me was grating on my nerves, that I had probably talked more today than I had since the beginning of the year was indication enough that I was fed up.

"Relax you two. Although Hikigaya has no self-preservation instincts, he won't do anything illegal, he's nothing more than an irritating bug" Sigh back to the insults already, she was just asking to get the Marauder special at this point.

"A bug, huh?" The girl, seriously just introduce yourself already, pondered this for a moment, "Well, I can't really deny a request from a teacher. I'll do it."

Hiratsuka turned to the door and said, "Good! I'm counting on you, Yukinoshita." and then left us alone.

Yukinoshita, huh? Of course this bitch would be related to Her. Well at least this won't be boring, I know that for sure now. It had been some time since I had found anything interesting to do, I had chosen to come to this school because it seemed like it had the highest chance of being entertaining, seeing as She had come here. But I had been sorely disappointed for the first year, maybe that would change in this club. If it didn't I could always just stop coming.

Yukinoshita went back to silently reading her book while ignoring me, so I went over to the side of the room to pick up a chair and table to rest on, I was standing for so long that I needed to recharge my depleted energy points. I set the chair parallel to Yukinoshita and then went back to pick up the table, bringing the long rectangle over to separate us. Then I sat down pulled out a manga from my bag and began reading.

A couple minutes passed before she seemingly got fed up "Are you just going to sit there looking unsightly? Or are you going to introduce yourself?"

"Hikigaya Hachiman. A pleasure." I looked for any sort of recognition in her eyes, finding none, I turned back to my book.

"Disgusting, your manners are as horrid as your eyes." That's ironic coming from her, as she had yet to properly introduce herself either. She crossed her arms and held her elbows in her hands before saying, "In any case, what do you think that this club's purpose is?"

"Who knows?" My focus was solely on the manga in my hands at this point.

"...The job of those in this club is to do what we are doing right now," The only indication that she heard me was the small frown she made at my response, "there are those who, out of the goodness of their hearts provide for those in need. Most people call them volunteers. We extend a helping hand to those in need. That is why this club exists."

I pointedly ignored her.

"It is my responsibility to fix you, as per the request of Hiratsuka-sensei. I will help you solve your problems, be grateful." Her voice was getting louder and more tense the longer she was in my presence. Her eyes were that of a frozen tundra, not that I could see, because my eyes were getting slightly glassy while reading the surprisingly good magical girl manga that was tugging on my heartstrings. It was at the part in the story where the best friend of the protagonist learns that the-

Hold on a moment. Fix my problems? This could be good. I looked up at her with my eyes narrowed.

"One could say that I am perfect the way I am, if you ignore the fact that I have serious issues." I pushed back a little at her provocation, hoping she would show me something more than just empty words.

"The fact that you can say that so proudly is kind of amazing. Weirdo. You're creeping me out here." she gave me a mocking smile before taking her left hand out from it's crossed position and placing it on her chin in the classic thinking pose. "From what I can tell, the reason that you are all alone is that you refuse to put in the effort to build connections. Leading to you being a social outcast with poor communication skills. Your situation should be improving already by talking to someone like me."

As if my problems were going to be solved by a naïve little girl that had yet to venture outside of the small bubble she lived in. But perhaps helping her realize that she couldn't help me would be worth the effort required to get to that point.

"Naturally." I answered her aloud, at this time there was no point in arguing with a girl like her, she would have to be shown through actions instead of words. She seemed shocked for a moment before furrowing her brows and giving me an icy glare.

"Are you mocking me? You really are despicable Hikigross-kun." Hmm, so she was already resorting to name calling, just like She did.

I knew that I was a troubled soul, and all this talking about me was bringing back some rather painful memories. All those days when I had truly felt lost, torn apart by the world along with my own realizations, and then hastily sewn back together as the person I am now, a shitty patch job of what I used to be, a husk.

We were interrupted at that, "Looks like you are having trouble fixing him." Hiratsuka-sensei came barging back in, she must have been waiting outside the entire time for the opportune moment to make a cool entrance. I can't blame her, it's exactly what I would do, only I would be outfitted with a billowing cape like along with a big beautiful pointy hat.

"Knock." was Yukinoshita's irritated response. Sensei walked up to the middle of the table between us as I followed her with my eyes.

"In cases where two opinions clash, it's a time honored tradition to settle it with a battle. This club is now a battle to see which of you is best at helping others!" She pointed one finger forward that sparkled dramatically, was that a low powered Lumos or just my imagination? "The winner can order the loser to do anything they want. How does that sound." Now she had a self-satisfied smirk, as if she orchestrated a perfect scenario. I sweat-dropped slightly at that. How lame can you get, Sensei? Finding satisfaction from manipulating children?

"I refuse, I fear for my wellbeing if he's my opponent." Well that was fast, time to go home. I froze slightly at that thought, it felt like I was forgetting something, or someone. No! Komachi is home alone!

"Oh, Hachiman looks like he is shaking in his boots," I am, but not because of anything you did Sensei, "and even Yukinoshita Yukino has things she's afraid of. Getting cold feet are we?" Sensei was giving an obvious bait, and Yukinoshita didn't seem like the type to give in to that.

"I hate falling into your scheme, but very well, I accept this battle." Or not. Now it was time for sensei to try and convince me to participate, as I had the least stake in this so-called battle... is what most people would think.

"That settles it." Not her though, and then she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Is she really not going to ask me? What kind of logic does she operate under?

xxx

AN: REWRITTEN! Time skip to the start of cannon, I think I was getting so focused on building his backstory that I wasn't going to reach the start of the actual story for a while. Prepare the conveniently timed flashbacks! I switched back to 1st person for this chapter to give Harry some more character and feel less like Hachiman, sorry to those who didn't like the first version, this is for you!