Just so you guys know... (although I"m quite sure most of you don't really care), I finished writing this story a long while ago way back on August 2. I've tried to make it shorter, but every single part of it's what's needed. So, I'm sorry if some of you feel like it's dragging or you are skimming through chapters. God knows I've done that too with some fics... :)

Anyhow,

Enjoy!

M.

Chapter 81

Friday, December 7, 2012.

"At least tell me you got her into your bedroom first," Shannon said. Still smiling as the SUV doors were slammed shut. She waved her hand to them and then she closed the door.

"I…" Jack tried to come up with something, but what could that be? What could he tell Shannon to explain how long where they missed, or how thoroughly fucked they looked?

"Dear God, Jack! What are you? Fifteen again? What about neighbors and both of your reputations?" Shannon shook her head as she walked towards the table.

"Haven't you noticed? My house is the only one at this end of the road. I don't have neighbors watching my yard." He shrugged.

"Still, Jack… Your room's a few steps away from that yard."

"Oh, come on. It's not like you haven't done something like that." He huffed, shaking his head, amused. "I clearly remember having found you and what was his name? Going at it against his wall."

"Josh Williamson. Yet, I was eighteen, not sixty!" She chuckled. "It's good to know that you still got it without that little blue pill."

"Now, you are mocking me." Jack rolled his eyes.

"How can I not? She went outside for some air. You followed, hot in her heels as a dog chasing a bone. For crying out loud, I was just hoping you at least took her inside, since it took you both so long to return. Besides, it's cold outside." She shrugged and walked past him towards the kitchen.

"I won't hear the end of this, will I?" He said as he followed her.

"Just be glad I'm not Harper or Sean… Then you wouldn't hear the end of it. I'm the nicer older sister." She batted her eyes jokingly.

"Wait, so are you saying that Bobby doesn't work without a pill anymore?" He tried to tease her. She shrugged.

"Oh, he works all right. I can tell you all about how good he works…" She wriggled her eyebrows playfully.

"I'm ignoring you. I saw enough of your butt while growing up. I know I don't want to have images of your old ass in my head now."

"So, you know who is this Fred, Parker mentioned?" Shannon asked out of the blue.

"It beats me. If the schedule her dad said she was keeping still stands, I'd say that's her personal trainer."

"A personal trainer, huh?"

"That's what he said."

"You have no clue?"

"Can we change subjects?" He rolled his eyes. Shannon shrugged.

"I got to know Parker a bit better. Since you two forgot all about us, while you were going at it!" She said loudly. Since he was walking into the dining room to get the rest of the stuff. "Parker's lovely," Shannon added as Jack lowered more stuff on the counter.

"I bet." He said curtly.

"She's smart and has this awfully wicked sense of humor."

"Shannon… I don't want to know." He groused.

"But… Jack!"

"No!" He threw his hands in the air. "Wasn't today enough of messing with my life? I don't want to know her kid. I can't even talk to her mom without screwing things up."

"Without screwing her, you mean." She said pointedly.

"Ack! You know what… You organized this mess! You clean it up." He said turning around.

"But Jack! I believe…."

"Goodnight Shannon!" He shouted from the hallway. His door was slammed shut before she could add anything else.

"I believe Parker is your daughter, Jack…" she whispered.

Friday, December 7, 2012.

"Are you okay, mommy?" Parker asked as they were driving back home. Sam risked a quick glance towards her.

"Yes, P. Why wouldn't I be okay?" She asked. Knowing there was a long list of reasons that she could come up with.

"Dunno," Parker shrugged. "You seemed upset as we were leaving." Sam gulped. If Parker noticed she was upset with herself, then she'd failed at keeping her cool.

"I was outside speaking with Ja… General O'Neill. When I realized how late it was and that it was past your bedtime," Sam lied, avoiding eye contact but smiling softly. Parker placed a hand over hers and smiled back.

"Don't worry, mommy. We've done worse," P shrugged. Sam's heart cracked. They had in fact done a lot worse. Traveling across the country. Staying in motels on the way to their next home and identity at all sorts of hours. "Are you sure you're okay? You were out there for a long time."

"Yeah, P, maybe I'm just a little cold," she said, 'maybe I'm a lot broken,' she thought as Parker cranked the heater up.

"You like him, don't you?" Parker asked out of the blue as they parked in the driveway.

"Like who?"

"Ja… General O'Neill." She said imitating her mom. "I think you like him. Your eyes sparkle when he's near."

"He was… is a good friend."

"But you like him," Parker stated.

"Hurry up, Parker. It's getting cold in here." Sam said, ignoring her comment. Parker shook her head. She was so used at her mom ignoring comments and questions she didn't want to answer. That she simply followed inside.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

It was nine in the morning when the doorbell rang at the Carter house. Wondering who the hell could be, Sam walked to the front door and peered outside. She frowned when she saw her sister-in-law standing outside.

"Shannon? What are you doing here?" Sam asked. "How did you know we were living here?"

"Ah… I kinda overheard Jack and Connor talking about you during his birthday. Jack mentioned you were living in his old house. So, I thought… Why the hell not? So I tried."

"And if I wasn't?" Sam asked, amused as she allowed her in.

"I'd be very embarrassed." Shannon grinned.

"So? What brings you here?"

"Are you alone?" She asked and Sam frowned.

"Uh? Well, Parker's in her room. Her game was canceled."

"Game?"

"Basketball. Hockey doesn't start until January." Sam shrugged.

"Oh, I see. Is she any good at it?"

"Yes, her coach says she has a future at it."

"Guess that'd help for college then. Maybe she'll get a nice scholarship."

"To be honest, she could get one from her grades alone, if she keeps up as she's been doing. However, she doesn't really need the scholarship anymore. I guess there were some perks for what we went through." Sam said. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, I'm fine. So, I know from the news that you got to be twenty-five women during the years we missed you. What about Parker?" Sam gulped.

"She wasn't free of it either," Sam said sadly. "But I'll rather not talk about it."

"She's my niece... Isn't she?"

"Of course. She'll turn eleven next week, Shannon. Who else could she be?" Sam frowned in confusion.

"Sorry… I didn't mean to insult you or anything. I was just wondering. You know, since Jack didn't say a thing about her."

"I think he doesn't want to have anything to do with her. I have no idea why…" she added sadly. "I'm really afraid to ask…" She whispered, lowering her eyes to the ground.

"Does he know he's her father?"

"He knows her birthday is next week. I'm quite sure he has access to my file since. Since my base is part of his duties. Even if his name doesn't appear on her birth certificate." She grimaced. "It was safer for all three of us that way. Anyhow, it's rather easy to know who she is. We were together for a week before I disappeared for almost twelve years. Parker casually popped out thirty-nine weeks after I disappeared."

"But does he know?" Shannon asked again. Sam blinked.

"I'd be truly surprised if he doesn't. Unless he believes I was with someone else weeks before we got married."

"Before… not after…" Shannon mumbled to herself.

"What?"

"Nothing… It's nothing," she waved dismissively.

"So, you came all the way to here to ask if your niece was your niece?" Sam asked.

"Well, you didn't exactly introduce her as my niece." Shannon grinned.

"I really would like to keep it like that, if you don't mind. As you already noticed, he wants nothing to do with her. I'd prefer it if she doesn't know that he's rejected her without even knowing her." Sam sighed.

"I understand. I won't mention it. "

"Not even to him," Sam said seriously. "I get it if he doesn't want to relate to her. I won't force him to be something he doesn't want to be. We've survived a lot without him, we can still keep doing it."

"Can we still meet her?" Shannon asked.

"Of course! Whenever any of you are around, please, do come to visit. What we can't solve doesn't mean that… She's part of your family too… I can't take that away from her. She can even call you auntie if she wishes so, but…" Sam sighed tiredly. "Is it wrong that I want to protect her from feeling rejected by her own father?"

"No… Not really. You're a mom, we do that… a lot."

Shannon observed her for a good while then, as if weighing her next words.

"I'm going to tell you something that not even my family knows. When Bobby and I had just gotten married. We pretended we were waiting to have kids. Until one day I just announced to the family that I was pregnant. Truth was that during the first two years I lost three pregnancies."

"I'm sorry," Sam said honestly.

"Don't worry, I'm not searching for your pity or anything like that. I just want you to understand that I know what it feels like to lose someone you really love." Shannon smiled sadly. "I told Jack that he can't keep trying to cover the sun with his thumb. He needs to heal, and he needs help to do it. He won't listen to me. I'm pretty sure he won't listen to anyone else…" She added the last as an afterthought.

"There's nothing there I can do." Sam shrugged.

"Oh, but there is."

"What could I possibly do? We aren't really talking, Shannon. We haven't found a way to each other. It's been long enough apart that I'm starting to believe we won't ever find our way back again." Shannon's hand found Sam's and gave it a slight press.

"You will, but you first must learn that you can't heal a gaping wound with a bandaid. Although, I think you are smart enough to know that. I think you're trying to do just that for yourself. I have no idea what it's like to live with another name. Heck, I don't even know what it's like to leave town for more than four years. I came back for every holiday and whenever I could. So, I can't imagine what it's like to leave everything you know behind, including your family, friends, and your name… I can't begin to imagine how lonely that has to be. Especially when you can't even be sure you will remain in the same place for long."

"I …"

"Don't explain it to me. Don't talk about it with anyone who won't be there to pick up the mess that talking about it will bring. Because we both know that to fix a poorly healed bone, you first need to break it. He'll be there for you, Sam. I know that much. Maybe he doesn't know how to open up to you just yet, but he'll be there if you do."

"What if I can't open up to him?" Sam asked.

"Then you guys won't ever heal. You're so tightly bonded that if one wants to heal, the other must either help or let go. You're here, Sam. After eleven years, you returned to him and he was unable to let you go. So… the question is… do you want to heal? Or you want to remain utterly broken until the end of your days? Dragging each other through this not quite a life you are having…"

Sam took a deep breath. She knew what she wanted, but she was terrified to do it.

"Don't overthink it. You won't ever see the end of it if you do. Trust me, I blamed myself during the first two pregnancies I lost. I was so deep in self-pity that I almost lost Bobby. Until we both helped each other…. It was fucking ugly if I tell you the truth. But I learned that sometimes what we experience is just shaping us for a better end. I need to go now before Jack wonders where the heck I ended up at."

"Thanks, Shannon," Sam said, walking her to the door. Shannon gave her hands a light, reassuring squeeze.

"Sometimes, even if we're the most screwed up. We're better at taking the reins. I guess it has to do with being nurturing beings or something."

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

As the clock turned into the first hours of Wednesday, Sam felt everything in her life was just slipping through her fingers like sand. That everything she tried to do to keep part of her life in shape was only managing to make the cracks bigger. Then there was time. Stupid, ever-flowing time.

Parker was now eleven, and although Sam had agreed to the pajama party the previous night. Now watching her sleeping with her friends was too much. She knew she would have a chance to cuddle up with Parker that night. She also knew she would get to hold her baby and fall asleep with her secured in her arms as if that was enough to keep her safe. How more many birthdays would they still have left? Before she would have to face how lonely her nights really were.

"Happy birthday, P," She mumbled into the darkness of her daughter's room before closing the door again.

She went to her room, grabbed a pillow, and cried. That should be Parker in her arms... or better yet, Jack. But here she was, alone and utterly broken, just like the night before Parker was born.

Rubbing her face tiredly with a hand and cleaning the stubborn tears that kept falling with the back of it. Sam sighed. Maybe Shannon was right. Maybe she should take the first step and try to solve this loneliness she felt.

She'd tried to fix herself before. God, she had tried. She was glad that some people didn't need the help of others to get back into their own feet. Maybe she lied to herself all this time, maybe she wasn't as strong. Maybe she was just too weak to do it alone. Maybe she needed someone who would hold her as she fought her demons. Maybe her demons danced better when someone who understood what they were, was beside her.

And truly, there was only one person she knew who would be able to be there for her at the end of the road. Only one person would calm her nightmares and understand where they came from. It was the same person she would hold on to, no matter what, if that was what he needed to get back to her.

"Jack… I need you…" She whispered to the dark.

She knew the way. She knew what she had to do… but could she do it? Was she strong enough to take the first step?

"You already have…" She mumbled. "That ended up fucked."

But hadn't she told his brother that one of her bigger fears was that he wouldn't want her? Wasn't it obvious that there was some level of want in their latest encounters? He had stormed outside and had her. They hadn't stopped to think about what they were doing, they just did. Didn't that mean the attraction was still there?

"Who are you trying to kid here, Sam? You know full well you're still in love with that man! That you would grab onto anything he offers you. Even if that means fucking him on his garden on a cold December night."

Maybe Connor was right, and what they needed was the action until they finally got enough of each other. Enough of the lack of each other to finally get their heads out of their asses and start talking.

"But someone has to take the first step…" Sam sighed. It was December twelve, and she had exactly eleven days to make the first step happen. Before he took off to the cabin for the holidays. "It's always the fucking time!"