"Do you want to tell me what's been bugging you all evening?"
The words were whispered across Jade's bare shoulder as she reclined against Beck among the covers, her hastily thrown on woolly cardigan having fallen to expose the entirety of her good arm. His breath made goose bumps pucker her skin and she supressed a shiver at the feeling. She'd known that she wouldn't fool him for long, if at all; to be honest she hadn't tried that hard. Beck had given her space that evening, keeping up a steady patter of quiet chatter to offer a distraction if she wanted to take it. She'd tried several times but it wasn't enough to move her mind completely from the topic at hand. She'd worked so hard throughout the day to keep it at bay but it was fast becoming too much effort to keep up the façade for much longer. She found herself wondering yet again if she would ever manage to life her life without policing her thoughts.
"Jade?" He prompted quietly, not wanting to push her but unable to glean any information from her silence.
"My father called while he was at work; the state have made arrangements for the disposal for the body." She deliberately avoided attaching a personal pronoun to the body, too afraid of the feelings that would return if she did.
Beck watched Jade carefully, concerned by the lack of movement in her face; he held her tighter.
"So it's a state funeral type thing?"
"Apparently." Jade's voice could have been a million miles away. "They have a cremation for the people who are unclaimed, he had her added to the list. There's a small service and the ashes are scattered at the grave yard."
"They go to the graveyard but don't bury them?" Beck was confused.
"Space and cost." Beck felt insensitive but Jade's demeanour didn't change. Her eyes had taken on a faraway quality as though she was only just staying in the room with him.
"When is this service?"
"Midday Friday."
The silence between them spoke volumes and Beck bit his lips against the unspoken question. Jade had already said she didn't want a funeral for her mother, that she had no interest in it and that her goodbyes were done but this was something neither she nor Lane had considered. It was as though the universe was determined to drag the issue out, not letting Jade move on properly.
"I don't." Jade answered the still unuttered question firmly, her jaw clenched.
"Okay." Beck's voice never wavered from the softness, despite the fact he actually wanted to say 'Are you sure?' as he wasn't certain she was. She stayed silent and Beck got the distinct feeling she was about to zone out on him. He reached out to the bedside table and retrieved their latest book. They no longer read every night they were together but he knew she needed something else right now, something that would distract her enough to find the peace to sleep.
He'd been reading for almost forty minutes and Jade still had barely moved from her position. He couldn't quite see her face but he could feel the tension in her body. He paused, letting his own gaze scan the opposite bedside table for one very particular item as his suspicions were aroused. The faint glint of the silver foil caught his eye just as he was about to turn away. Bingo.
He took a second to hug Jade close before extracting himself from behind her; she barely shifted in response, her eyes only crinkling in the slightest of confusion at his actions. Beck padded across the room, digging into his bag as he tried to supress the cringe at the change in temperature from the warm covers. He pulled out his water bottle from the day and brought it around to Jade's side of the bed before reaching out an popping to of the small white pills from the foil and holding them out to her with the water. Jade's eyes had narrowed slightly.
"Not tonight." Her tone was supposed to brook no argument but it sounded thoroughly too weary to have that much impact on him. Besides, Beck had a lot of practice in dealing with Jade's stubbornness and even her most fear-inducing scowls had lost their potency on him.
"Yes tonight, that's exactly what they were given to you for." His voice was quiet but held a firmness that hadn't appeared earlier in the evening. Jade didn't move an inch, trying to stare him down.
"What are you so afraid of?"
It wasn't quite how he wanted to phrase the question but he didn't understand how Jade had managed to get into the habit of taking them but was suddenly so reluctant when she had even more of a reason to than normal. He saw the anger flash across Jade's face at the implication but there was no immediate rebuttal.
Jade was angry and if she wasn't so tired she would have been yelling at Beck for the suggestion that she was a coward, over god damn sleeping pills of all things. Unfortunately for her ego, her anger was rapidly matched by the sense of shame that Beck was hitting too close to the truth. In her mind it was one thing to take the sleeping pills when she was having her usual trouble sleeping but taking them when something was specifically keeping her up was a slippery slope.
She refused to meet his eyes but Beck didn't waver.
"You're being ridiculous." He stated, letting the smallest amount of frustration bleed through into his voice. It wasn't that he wasn't sympathetic, but he didn't know how else to get through to her. He still didn't understand how she could constantly be taking two steps forward and then several back. It worried him when she didn't immediately snap back, simply scowling at the little tablets in his hand.
'Time for the big guns.' He thought, sending a quick prayer to whoever was listening that he was making the right decision.
"Fine then, suffer. See if I care." He tossed the pills, albeit carefully, back onto the table and stalked out of the room.
Jade sat stiff on the bed, unable to process what had just happened and the sudden chill that seemed to have invaded the room. Beck hadn't been like that with her in a long time. Maybe ever. It hurt, more than she wanted to admit. Half of her wanted to shout after him, to demand he return but the rest of her refused; she was her own person now and she wasn't going to let Beck guilt her into anything.
She glared at the pills, now balancing perilously close to falling off the table. How could two such unremarkable objects be causing her this much turmoil. She scooped them up, intent on crushing them or simply throwing them into the bin but paused just as her hands closed around them.
She still wasn't in control.
Jade growled under her breath, thoroughly fed-up of her brain's apparently ability to play endless games with her. Without giving herself any longer to think, she grabbed the water bottle, throwing the pills into her mouth followed swiftly by several large gulps of water. They might as well have been the size of tennis balls based on the difficulty she had swallowing them, draining almost half the bottle before she was convinced they had finally gone down. She replaced the bottle on the nightstand with a little more force than was necessary, still venting her feelings. She threw a look towards the door as Beck had yet to return. She tried not to let it bother her, in fact she was determined not to. She crawled back between the sheets and turned off the light; her eyes shut firmly, there would be no more mind games tonight.
Beck padded softly back into the bedroom, he'd seen the lights go out and figured it was safe to return. Despite the manner of his exit, he'd spent the time pacing the small bathroom trying to convince himself it was the right choice (and that Jade might know this and forgive him…. Eventually.). He could see her curled up outline under the covers, silhouetted by the moonlight streaming through the gap in the curtains.
"Jade?" He tried, softly.
No answer, she didn't even flinch. Her outline looked to tense to be asleep, and the lights had only just gone off before he returned. Clearly, she wasn't happy with him. He squinted towards the bedside table but couldn't make out the contents. For a moment he debated whether or not he should be sleeping on the sofa but decided if she wasn't talking to him, she wouldn't break it to kick him out the bed; besides sofas were not all that comfortable for sleeping on.
He gingerly slid between the sheets, trying not to jostle the bed too much as he got comfortable. He briefly entertained the idea of drawing her into their usual embrace but thought better of it. He could hear from the shallowness of her breathing that she wasn't yet asleep and the gesture would not be well received.
He took a few deep breaths of his own, trying to get himself to relax enough to go to sleep. He was just on the edge of drifting off when he could have sworn he heard her mutter.
"Ass."
An echo of a smirk flitted across his face as sleep engulfed him.
Wednesday had dawned unremarkable to most but Beck had felt just a tiny bit smug that Jade had migrated back into his arms over the course of the night. He had been aware on and off of her fidgeting but ultimately concluded she must have taken the pills as she did sleep for chunks of the night. She had still been a little cool with him in the morning but it hadn't stopped her from accepting and returning his farewell embrace before he left for school.
Beck felt cautiously optimistic for the first time in a while as he walked through the main doors. The usual chaos greeted him of noise and chattering of the exuberant student population. He sipped his coffee as he opened his locker, for the first time thinking about a new design for the front. The idea of transparency was original at the time, cool and outside of the box that quickly had given him status as both serious and mysterious at the same time; but for some reason it now struck him as performative. He was no longer sure he was the 'transparent' person he had been when he joined the school, even with the events of the last few weeks notwithstanding, a lot had happened to him since then.
He played with the door for a moment, trying to work out what he could change it to and what could represent him now; he wasn't even sure who he was anymore, just that he was changed. He shook his head, trying to end the stupor as he saw Andre and Tori approaching from his peripheral vision.
"Morning Beck!"
"What's up?"
Beck met their cheerful greetings with a small smile before offering his own.
"How's the song going?" Twin smiles lit up his friends faces.
"It's sound legit, we're totally ready for Saturday." Andre's instant affirmation cheered Tori to no end, knowing he was now truly happy with it was like a weight had been lifted.
"Has Jade decided if she's coming?" Andre prodded cautiously but Beck shook his head.
"I think she's still going back and forth, she's processing some more stuff at the moment but I think there's a chance."
Andre nodded understandingly, hoping that Jade would decide to come to the showcase; he wanted her to hear the song she'd helped create.
"Are you coming Beck?" Tori tried to move the conversation forward.
"I'll probably do whatever Jade does." He admitted somewhat sheepishly but Tori surprised him with a look of understanding.
"So have you finished the theatre history essay yet?"
Beck groaned and made a mental note to finish it at morning break as the bell sounded the start of the day.
Jade found herself buried in school work that afternoon, annoyed at the amount she seemingly had to complete while simultaneously refusing to consider that she might be held back a year. It was humiliating but thankfully enough to fuel her determination to finish it all. School had always been something she could do and she was convinced now would not be any different. It served a dual purpose as it took her mind off of the morning's therapy session and Lane's obsession with her mother's funeral that wasn't.
She would have felt guilty at the level of open rudeness she'd displayed towards the end but he just wouldn't let it rest. Normally he'd let her have some leeway, let her skirt round topics or talk about them just as much as she was comfortable but not this time.
"Jade you need to deal with this, you can't just lock it up."
"I am dealing with it." She'd snapped back.
"It's understandable that you're frightened, that you have all these emotions-"
"STOP talking to me like I'm a fucking child!"
She couldn't understand why he wouldn't leave it alone. Hell, she'd been the one to bring it up in the first place; didn't that tell him that she was dealing with it. He'd been insistent that her nonchalance towards attending the service was some sort of protective front but Jade wasn't so sure. The night before the information had seemed like a giant weight had torn open a barely healing wound but somehow now it seemed less impactful, not so important. She had no wish to go but no wish not to go, and for some reason Lane didn't believe her. The session had turned into a tug of war of words to the point at which Jade had considered making something up just to get him off her back; it was either that or storming out. Now she furiously channelled her frustrations into the last of Sikowitz's assignment, determined to turn it in by the end of the afternoon.
She was so wrapped up in her work she didn't hear Vera walk out onto the balcony, laden with a tray full of snacks and two cups of Jade's fruit tea.
"Jade?"
Jade jumped without meaning too, looking up at Vera as she managed to keep her laptop from sliding off her lap.
"Aren't you meant to be wearing that sling?" She chided gently.
"On and off according to the doctor."
Vera nodded but didn't press any further, setting the tray down on the lounger next to Jade and passing her one of the mugs before taking up her own. Jade accepted the mug with a quiet 'thanks' and didn't bat an eyelid when Vera took her own and lowered herself into an adjacent lounger, sitting carefully on the edge.
"How's the schoolwork going?"
"Alright." Jade took a sip of the scorching tea, having to remind herself Vera wasn't Lane. "It's a good distraction."
"I never liked school, I wasn't any good at most of it, but I used to love dancing." Vera's eyes almost misted over as she recalled fond memories of tea dances and recitals from many years previous.
"I take a few dance classes." Jade offered quietly. "Salsa and tap."
"Oh I used to love to tap, I used to watch the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers with my girlfriends on a Friday night at the old movie theatre in town; I always thought I'd grow up to be Ginger but I was never really that good."
Jade watched the ease with which Vera recalled her memories, the faint smile on her face as her eyes looked into the distance as though they were playing out before her eyes. Jade found herself facing a strange mix of fondness and jealousy towards the woman. The familiarity she was starting to have with Vera was unique to Jade, having never related to another adult quite like her before but the ugly jealousy at her happy childhood memories was both unsettling and prevalent. Jade found a stab of self-loathing as she realised she was only jealous because she couldn't imagine talking that happily of her childhood. Ice cream on the floor after her parent's screaming rows just didn't seem to cut it.
"Have you seen them?"
Vera's gentle question pulled Jade's attention back to the balcony and she shook her head.
"Just bits and pieces."
"I'll have to dig out my old videos, I still have a few of them." Vera watched Jade carefully again, unsure if she was pushing the boundary too far but Jade simply nodded.
"They were so glamorous you couldn't help but want to be them." Vera continued, her tone now wistful once again. "It seems like a different lifetime now I think about it."
A different lifetime sounded good to Jade right about now. Something with a fresh start and no awful baggage hanging on her every step just waiting for the moment she tripped up. She took a long gulp of her tea as Vera launched into a retelling of her favourite dances; if it was anyone else Jade would have tuned them out in the first few seconds but something about Vera made her listen quietly.
As Beck pulled his latest essay from the printer he stifled a yawn; he'd been so overrun with catching up with assignments Wednesday had blurred quickly into Thursday and the deadlines loomed. Now though, he was reasonably satisfied he had things back under control with this final history essay now ready to hand in. He checked his phone out of habit, trying to stifle the familiar stab of anxiety when no new messages showed. Jade had been quiet all day, communicating but the messages were short replies that strayed no further than what he had sent first. She'd been in an odd mood since Wednesday morning, although he was reasonably convinced it was no longer because of his attempt at a reverse psychology trick to get her to take the sleeping pill. She'd been only quietly restless the previous night but had made no effort to get up, or even seek comfort from him and it had put him a little on edge. He scolded himself at that, trying to remind himself to rationalise his thoughts as this was pure conjecture at this point, still it didn't stop him worrying. His next appointment with his therapist wasn't until Monday and, despite his initial reluctance, he now wondered if this was something he could talk about with her.
He forced a staple through the corner of the sheets and wandered over to the history classroom to turn it in before stopping of at Lane's office. He half hoped the counsellor wouldn't be in there but there was no such luck. He knocked before opening the door.
"Hey Lane, you got a minute?"
"Hey Beck, sure I do – come in!"
Beck walked awkwardly over to the sofas and Lane settled into the hanging chair, elbows on his knees as he assessed the teenager in-front of him. The was a moment of quiet.
"So, what can I do for you Beck?"
"You know what's happening tomorrow?"
"You mean Amanda West's cremation and scattering, yes I do know."
"And Jade's got her hospital check-up as well." Lane nodded, still waiting for Beck to make his way to the point of his visit.
"Well, I was just wondering-" he broke off, thinking for the hundredth time that day as to whether he was pushing his luck.
"I was wondering if I could have the day off to stay with her. I could take her to appointments and-"
Lane held up a hand to stop his rapidly increasing gabble that was so unlike the usually calm young man he was used to seeing.
"You know Jade has to learn to cope with these things on her own; she won't always have you as a support."
"I know, but tomorrow is going to be rough; I know she says she doesn't care but I think she just thinks she doesn't and-"
"I know Beck." Lane interrupted before Beck could get himself worked up. "Confidentially, and this must stay strictly between the two of us, I can't decide whether Jade really is unbothered or not. I tried to get her to talk about it this morning and yesterday but her answer remains unchanged."
He sighed, wondering if one student was enough to make him go prematurely grey; maybe he should look into cover-up dyes just in case.
"As a one off, I'm willing to grant you permission for one day and a lot of this is because all your teachers are reporting that you have been working extremely hard and have almost caught up with your work."
Beck dipped his head in relief, glad that all the stressing of the past 24 hours had paid off.
"As you know, I don't have another session with Jade until Monday but if things go downhill-" Beck nodded, trying to ignore the pang in his stomach at the thought of Jade falling apart again.
"Thanks Lane, you're the best."
"I am pretty good." Lane joked, rising from the chair to lead Beck towards the door.
Friday dawned overcast and unremarkable, not that the two in the plush bed seemed to notice. Both had been awake for a few hours although no words had yet been exchanged between the two. Beck was idly playing with the ends of Jade's hair while she patently ignored him, her head pillowed on his shoulder and gaze vacant and into the distance. She'd been zoning in and out since she'd woken with the strangest echo of ocean waves crashing against a rock shore in her ears. Beck idly wondered if anyone would notice if they spent all day in bed but the pre-set alarm ruined that notion completely.
Surprisingly, Jade was the first to move, extricating herself from Beck's arms and heading towards the bathroom before he was even really aware of it. He frowned and followed her, picking up the toothpaste mere seconds after she had put it back on the shelf. He pressed a kiss to her head before loading up his own toothbrush, holding out a small hope for a roll of the eyes which never came.
They proceeded with minimal chatter, even Vera couldn't manage to raise much of a response over a breakfast of toast and cereal which seemed mostly wasted on Jade. It was only as they were sitting in the predictable LA traffic that Jade uttered her first sentence that wasn't a response to something she'd been directly asked.
"This is really weird."
"What is?"
"I expected to feel so many things today but now all I feel is nothing. Just nothing." Her voice sounded lost and maybe a little angry.
"There isn't a rule book." He reminded her gently, somewhat reassured when a half-hearted scowl formed on her face.
"I know that but it's still weird."
Jade didn't say anything else and Beck was left to ponder it's meaning through the rest of the traffic and in the waiting room as Dr Griffiths led Jade into the side room. Was she really disinterested towards the whole thing or had she just gone numb, like some kind of delayed shock? He worried his lip between his teeth, wishing he had all the answers or at least a girlfriend who was easier to read.
Jade emerged not too much later clutching a new piece of paper in her hand. Dr Griffiths took her time with a goodbye, resting what looked like a supportive hand on Jade's good shoulder before disappearing off down the corridor.
"What was that about?"
"She was just saying goodbye." Jade said offhandedly.
"Good bye?"
"She said I don't have to see her again unless I need to, just the physio now."
Beck broke into a smile and saw a small one echo on Jade's face.
"Jade that's brilliant." His voice was earnest and he couldn't stop himself from drawing her into a hug that she couldn't help but return. "Physio still weekly?" He asked as he lent back.
"I think it'll be two weekly after this but I guess I'll find out." She nodded behind him as the man from the week before had stepping into the corridor, calling Jade's name.
As Jade sat in the second small room, she found herself as unbothered by her surroundings as she'd ever been as the physio stretched her joint out. It was stiff and uncomfortable as he went though the motions, always stopping before the pain became serious. Still, he seemed pleased with her progress and she was freed of the sling entirely, unless she felt she needed support. More exercises and a strict list of restricted movements but he was happy to wait two weeks to see her again. Jade felt an odd lightness in her chest as she left the appointment, something that seemed so at odds with everything she thought she would be feeling.
Beck was surprised to see the almost smile on her face as she emerged from the side room, sling dangling from her hand and a leaflet clutched in her other.
"No more sling. Thank fuck."
Beck snorted, knowing how much it had been irritating her over the last week. "More exercises though and a lorry list of stuff I still can't do."
"Yeah, it won't be long though." Beck felt like he was on a cloud, basking in Jade's good news and improved mood.
"Just need to get this filled." She pulled out the piece of paper from earlier and Beck realised it was a prescription.
"From Dr Griffiths?"
Jade nodded.
"Do I get to know what it is or is it a secret?" He was trying for playful but worry tinged his tone.
"It's a different sleep aid, she said it might agree with me more." As much as Beck had tried for humour, Jade tried for indifference. She had seriously debated bringing up the issues she had with the current pill and waking up four hours after like clockwork, assuming it was just how these things worked. She hated taking them anyway so why bother complaining? Still, something else had won the battle and Dr Griffiths had nodded understandingly before telling her it was a common issue and they could try another combination which Jade found herself oddly receptive to. Dr Griffiths had told her she could procure them from her GP going forward, if needed. They were safe for longer term use but both of them knew Jade had no intention of being on them for any longer than she had to.
The sun was just breaking through the clouds as they left the hospital nearly 45 minutes later, the queue at the pharmacy having been slow and long. It seemed luck was not on their side as they hit traffic which appeared to be the result of a hastily erected diversion around a burst watermain. Beck sighed as the signs led them through the whole downtown area, circling the entire hospital complex before turning down a series of roads he had barely been down before. They came to yet another standstill as the traffic backed up from too many cars using the small side roads and one person managing to gridlock an entire junction.
"Oh this is a conspiracy." Beck huffed out, his patience now at it's limit. "Still at least we will be hungry for lunch, we could go to the drive through on the way back Jade?" He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel before realising there had been no reply from the passenger seat.
"Jade?" He turned his head to look at her but her own head was turned and looking straight out the window, her frame rigid. It took Beck only a few seconds to work out why.
Looking past Jade he could see the carefully manicured lawns and flowerbeds of the memorial graveyard basking in the shadow of a small but ornate church, barely half a mile from the memorial hospital. However, you wouldn't have needed a map to make the connection to the hospital as an ambulance with the name emblazoned on the side stood in the courtyard, accompanied by a uniformed paramedic, two men in all black and a vicar whose lips were moving gently as he clasped his cross in his hands.
Without thinking Beck pulled over to the side of the road, aware he was parking semi-illegally but not caring in the slightest. He went to take Jade's hand but she was busy unbuckling her belt and opening the door. Alarmed, Beck sprung into action and yanked his keys from the ignition before racing around to join her. To his surprise, she wasn't racing up the path towards the small gathering but standing very still at the fenced boundary. He took his place next to her, cursing whatever higher power existed that this had to happen today of all days. He was about to suggest they left, to remind her she didn't have to stay when she grasped his hand, her gaze never wavering from the figures at the other end of the path. The words stilled on his lips and he simply squeezed her hand gently, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand in comfort as he turned his own attention to the proceedings as the ashes were now being scattered.
There were several urns brought out and no way of knowing which was which, no way of knowing which one held the remains of Amanda West but Jade realised that wasn't important to her. When the car had stopped and she'd realised what was going on, her first instinct had been to run but it hadn't lased more than a few seconds. Maybe it was a morbid curiosity or maybe a final cry for a lost childhood and parental love, but Jade knew there must be some reason she was here; not that she really believed in crap like that but it seemed to coincidental to be a random event.
As she watched the final ashes leave the last urn, she felt the same feeling inside her that she'd felt the previous weekend as she'd shut the door to her mother's bedroom; only this time, it was stronger. The realisation that it really was over now was overwhelming, almost making her light-heated were it not for the warm hand in hers keeping her grounded in the moment. She watched silently as the paramedic and vicar shook hands, the two in black apparently public mourners who took their leave promptly as the scattering finished, heading up the path towards them. Jade exhaled a long breath, aware that Beck was poised beside her, waiting on her. She turned to him.
"Lunch?" It took only a few seconds for Beck to process the question she asked before he nodded mutely, evidently unsure as to how to gauge her reaction. He went to turn away but Jade still kept a hold of his hand, he paused and looked at her questioningly.
The words wouldn't seem to leave Jade's throat, it all seemed inadequate now; it wouldn't be exactly what she wanted to say to him. She settled instead for squeezing his hand tightly. Beck didn't hesitate to squeeze it back.
Okay so I have to start with an apology as I didn't make my update last week – first time since I started the story but still I'm sorry. Unfortunately the fates conspired against me with the week(s) from hell which included a broken Macbook (and therefore loosing all my story notes as well), a nasty bicycle accident and a migraine. Believe it or not all three were unrelated. Half this chapter was typed on my phone (an experience I never want to repeat) and the other half was written on a very old laptop where all the keys are in the wrong place to what I'm used to – so there could be some interesting typos I missed.
ANYWAY, I'm bruised and knackered but here it is, hopefully you're not all too mad at me for missing the update and have enjoyed the chapter. Jade has come so far (and so has Beck) and we are very nearly at the end of this tale. Loved it? Hated it? Want to make a joke about bicycles? Please drop me a review so I know you are still reading :D
