Oh good, you're here
PROLOGUE
YOU DID IT! GREAT JOB! YOU TOLD A STORY!
{Hooray… That was fun… So… Now are you gonna continue the Prologue Saga…?}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 34: Love Conquers All!
By: I Write Big
Let's talk about loss.
The only life experience we can say we've all had is loss. Doesn't matter who you are or what you believe or where you come from. You've lost something. Loss of a loved one. Loss of harmony. Loss of hope. Loss of patience. As hurtful as it may be, loss is here to stay and loss has many things to teach us. The first and foremost lesson: we can't always win.
Not surprisingly, the hardest to swallow losses are the ones we thought would never happen.
"What?" The word barely croaked out of Ladybug's throat. She stared at Chat Noir in utter disbelief.
"I said, I have a girlfriend," Chat Noir repeated.
She heard the word echo in her head over and over. Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend…
Ladybug's eye twitched and slowly darkened to a midnight-blue and a blood-red— "That's great!" she shouted, pushing The Beast away. "I'm so h-happy for you!"
"And I think you know her." Chat Noir leaned closer and with a hint-hint eyebrow waggle. "You could say the two of you are always together."
"LALALALALA! Don't tell me who she is or I'll kill her!" Ladybug covered her ears and hummed loudly. The Beast was bashing at the gates, but she refused to let it in.
"It's almost like you're the same person."
"NOOOO!" Ladybug swung away before she could hear more.
"Dang it, I thought Kagami would get the hint for sure that time," Chat Noir mumbled.
Meanwhile, in the cathedral:
"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock," Duusu said continuously on Nathalie's shoulder. The woman was frail in her wheelchair, practically skin and bones. She looked worse than ever.
"Stop it," she managed to type on her tablet.
"Just a friendly reminder, Nat." Duusu grinned at her. "By the looks of it, today is your last day to get that kiss or it's sleepy time. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock."
"Don't worry, Nathalie!" Gabriel said confidently, hefting a basket of butterflies. "You may have struck out in the dating game, but I'm gonna get you all the love you need to be free. I have the perfect plan! Nothing will stop us! MuahaahhahahaHHAHAA—"
"Does it involve akumatizing Chloe?" Nooroo asked slyly.
Gabriel flinched. "No! Stop suggesting that! We can do this without ruining that kid's life." He marched for the mini-elevator, tripped, and all the butterflies went flying. "FUCK!"
"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock."
Back at Marinette's:
"He has a girlfriend. Chat Noir has a girlfriend!" Marinette wailed. "How dare he get over Ladybug! Over me! Did all of those movie nights mean nothing?!"
Tikki was face-nubbing. "A fucking year of you praying this would happen and you're FUCKING ANGRY?!"
"I changed my mind!"
"So did he!"
"He's not allowed to do that! He's not a girl!" Marinette huffed and puffed as she finished packing the macarons for the Bourgeois' 20th anniversary party her parents were catering. "What does he expect me to do? Be happy for him? Move on with my life?"
"Yes," Tikki said.
("Fuck that!") The Beast roared. Marinette slammed her head against the counter and pushed the animal back. "No, Marinette, get a grip on yourself. You're not going to become that obsessive Marinette who was clingy enough to drive Chat Noir away. You can beat this." She stacked the macaron boxes until they reached above her head and went for the door. "So what if he's over you? So what if you actually kinda liked him? So what if he left you in the dirt with nobody?"
"What about Luka?" Tikki asked.
The name made Marinette stop. She instantly imagined riding behind Luka on his bike, her arms wrapped tightly around his chest. Like a true chivalrous man, he'd offered her a ride while serenading her with a guitar ballad he had composed inspired by her. She blushed. "I guess that wouldn't be so bad," she said shyly and stepped out.
"Salutations, Miss Dupain-Cheng!"
Luka was there, waiting for her not on a bike but on a motorcycle. The hog thrummed and growled with every twist of the handlebar. The boy flexed in his shiny leather jacket and ran a comb through his greasy blue hair.
Marinette stared. "L-Luka, what are you… doing?"
"Just being my most appealing self, according to Papa, Miss." He stuck a toothpick in his mouth and lit it like a cigarette. "A moment please." He pulled out a flashcard and read it out loud. "'Get on, bitch. We're going for a ride.'" He exchanged thumbs-ups with Jagged Stone around the corner.
"I'm losing everyone," Marinette muttered in a daze. Like a zombie, she trudged to the motorcycle and strapped her boxes in.
One hellride later:
Luka popped a wheelie and skidded the motorcycle to a halt outside the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel. Marinette, dizzy, confused, and her bug-infested hair a mess, climbed off and took her boxes inside.
"Hmm, no kiss? What did I do wrong?" Luka pondered and lit another toothpick.
"Nothing, mate," Jagged Stone said, poking his head out of a nearby mailbox. "Clearly ya need more rock 'n roll to woo her."
Upstairs:
The hotel restaurant had been covered with loving decorations. Balloons, flowers, hearts everywhere. On the stage was the couple of the hour.
"Audrey and Andre," Gabriel said from Nathalie's tablet. "On this most solemn day where we remind the world that you somehow made this one-sided abusive relationship work for 20 years—"
"What does he mean by one-sided, snookie-wookie?" Andre asked Audrey.
"It hhhmeans you're lucky you hhhave political connections, Aardvark."
"—Yes," Gabriel continued. "20 long agonizing years of yelling, fighting, running to the other side of the world just to get some space. I didn't think it would last. Nobody in this room thought it would."
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"You've basically tried to kill each other on a weekly basis. Some might call that unhealthy and a terrible environment in which to raise a child."
"I turned out fine," Chloe bragged, ripping another Mr. Cuddly teddy-bear in half and then dining on the cottony guts.
"And yet the two of you stuck together and proved to the world that love is not only powerful but also very, very dangerous."
Everyone applauded.
"To congratulate you and illustrate how you'll never be rid of each other no matter how hard you try, I present to you the Gabriel Couple Cloak! Now available at your local Gabriel store for 10 easy payments of 199.99!"
Nathalie barely managed to wheel the present to the couple while only leaving a thin trail of drool. With a flourish of colorful cloth, the two were draped in a magnificent cloak, wide enough to encompass both at the same time.
"Ooh, I hhhlove this design on the front, Gabriel," Audrey gushed.
"Is this fashionable?" Andre asked. "With all these circles, it sort of looks like we're wearing an archery target. And what do these flashing words say? 'Akumatize me?'"
"Fashion trend. It's all the rage in Japan," Gabriel explained.
"See, Anchovies? hhhGabriel gets it," Audrey snooted.
On the other side of the room, the elevator dinged open and out stepped Marinette with the boxes of macarons. She got about five steps in before her sights landed on Adrien and Kagami sitting next to each other!
"GAAAAH!" She tripped and the boxes went tumbling. Kagami and Adrien were instantly at her side.
"Here, Marinette, we'll help," Adrien said.
"Yes, Friend Marinette, we shall—"
"What are you doing?!" Marinette hissed at Kagami soft enough so Adrien wouldn't hear. "I told you Westerner girlfriends don't stay in the same room as their boyfriends."
"I remember, Friend Marinette, however, Boyfriend Adrien insisted," Kagami said in her monotone. "He made that adorable face that I cannot say no to and I surrendered to my urges. I have failed you." She kneeled and offered Marinette her katana. "I submit myself for punishment."
The Beast greedily reached for the weapon.
"D'awww, you two have become such sweet friends," Adrien cooed.
His voice snapped Marinette out of it. She slapped her own hand away and took a deep breath. "No, no, it's fine, it's fine." She pulled Kagami to her feet and forced the vile words out. "Maybe… just for a little bit… the two of you can h… haa… haaa…" she took a moment to choke down the acid rumbling up her throat, "hang out."
"Really?" Kagami asked without an ounce of emotion, but there was a faint twinkle in her eye.
The Beast railed against the gates, screaming (NOOOOO!) but Marinette grit her teeth and said, "Yeah, just for today and I have to be in the room. Got it?"
"Thank you, Friend Marinette." Kagami then put her in a chokehold. "Am I doing the hugging correctly?"
Later, in the kitchen:
Marinette scoured the shelves for the cocktail umbrellas her parents needed while Adrien and Kagami crossed ladles.
"But how will we duel to first blood without blades, Boyfriend Adrien?"
"It's just a game for fun," Adrien pleasantly answered. He poked her chest with his ladle. "First one to land a strike wins. Get it?"
"Hai," she said.
And the destruction began.
Marinette watched them flip across the stoves and swing through the hanging pots and pans like swashbucklers. Gas lines were being ruptured, walls were being demolished, deep fryers were imploding, but all she was trying to do was to accept this as a good thing. She squeezed Adrien's lucky charm in her hands and muttered to herself, "Relax, Marinette. This is fine. Adrien is enjoying himself. He can do that with other girls. It doesn't mean anything. Don't cling. Don't obsess." The feel of the charm and who it came from comforted her. She breathed easy.
An errant swipe of a ladle launched a plate at Marinette, knocking the lucky charm from her grip. It tumbled straight into a sink.
"NO!"
The lucky charm slid to a stop right next to the drain.
"Phew."
The grappling Adrien and Kagami body slammed against the counter, wobbling the entire kitchen. The aftershock bumped the lucky charm into the drain.
"NOO!"
A rotting hand poked out of the drain with the charm. "You drop this?" the undead moaned.
"Phew."
A whisk shot across the room and flipped on the garbage disposal. Blades ground the putrid hand and dragged it and the lucky charm in.
"NOOO!"
The sink let out a satisfied buuurp and nothing else.
"This is okay," Marinette wheezed as she went into full panic-mode. "It's not like Adrien's lucky charm was the only weapon I had to keep that thing at bay. You can do this, Marinette. You can do this."
A misplaced foot and Adrien tripped and fell against Kagami. There was a clatter of cooking metal and the two were on the floor together, their lips inches apart. They peered deeply into each other's eyes. Both blushed.
"Don't obsess. Don't obsess. Don't obsess."
Their ladles went flying and hit some wires. The short-circuiting scrambled and dimmed the lights until Adrien and Kagami were spotlit by nothing but a single bulb that glowed the most romantic shade of rosy pink.
"Don't obsess! Don't obsess! Don't obsess!"
Someone's cellphone in the next room rang and their ringtone just happened to be The Little Mermaid classic "Kiss The Girl!"
"Don't obsess! Don't obsess! Don't (obsess!")
Nearby:
Mrs. Tsurugi sniffed the air. "I smell fun. Unacceptable. You! One who clearly loves Disney princesses," she pointed her sword at Ape-Man, "take care of this."
Ape-Man grumbled, fumbled with his phone's embarrassing ringtone, and began searching.
On the stage, Audrey and Andre's argument was escalating.
"And Andre always snores, doesn't he, Audrey?" Gabriel goaded.
"hhhLike a chainsaw!"
"And Audrey never compliments your hair, does she, Andre?"
"I spend hours in front of the mirror, getting my 'do just right and you never notice!" the man blubbered.
"hhhYou slick it back! hhhWhat's so great about that?!"
"How dare you!"
The avalanche had begun. No more prodding was needed. "On to phase two, Nathalie," Gabriel instructed. The woman wheeled herself to the elevator.
In the kitchen:
"Shalalala, Shalalala, go on and kiss the girl!" sang Sebastian the crab.
Marinette, or maybe it was The Beast, it was getting harder to tell, ripped the meat cleaver from the chopping block and stalked toward the couple who'd spent far too long making googly eyes at each other.
("Don't obsess! Don't obsess! DON'T TOUCH HIM, YOU WHORE!")
To everyone's shock, Kagami pulled away. "Boyfriend Adrien, doesn't Friend Marinette look very cute today?"
Marinette froze.
Adrien blinked. "Uh—"
Ape-Man stormed in, trying to answer his tiny phone.
"GAAAAH!" Marinette chucked the cleaver at the intruder and the blade struck the source of music!
"Laalalaalall, giss da giirrrrrrrlll," gurgled Sebastian the crab and died.
Ape-Man slowly backed out of the kitchen.
"Superb form, Friend Marinette," Kagami commended.
"Yeah, thanks for covering for us," Adrien agreed.
"Yeah, yeah, sure!" Marinette gathered all the cocktail umbrellas she could carry and barrelled for the exit. "I'll get out of your hair before I (scalp you)—I MEAN, (kill you)—I MEAN, (skin you alive you)—GAAAH!"
A pair of gentle hands grabbed her shoulders. Both Adrien and Kagami had stopped her.
"Don't go, Marinette," Adrien said.
"Please stay," Kagami insisted.
"Nonon(ononon)onono! I (can't) be (near) you (two!") Marinette cried, her eyes rapidly shifting colors. But they didn't listen. Giggling mischievously, Adrien and Kagami dragged the flailing Marinette under a cardboard box and used it as cover as they crawled out of the kitchen. Through the little hand slot, the three could see that the Bourgeois' fight had reached the beating-each-other-with-brooms stage.
"No one's looking this way. We're good," Adrien said.
They took another step and bonked against Ape-Man!
The bodyguard glared at the cardboard box. He picked it up and revealed the three teens.
"Oops," Adrien squeaked.
"Acid in the Face no Jutsu!" Kagami tossed what looked like water at Ape-Man. Immediately, his face began to sizzle and smoke. Ape-Man wailed and ran for the nearest sink. The three bolted for the stairs and climbed as fast as they could for...
The roof:
"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. DONG! Wow, Nat, it's noon. Can you believe it?" Duusu said, gazing over the city. "This is the last noon you'll ever see. Gorgeous." It got no response as a red-eyed Nathalie unplugged Chloe's Bee Signal. The simple effort exhausted the woman and she collapsed back into her wheelchair. "You'd see a lot more noons if you'd just let go of this dumb guilt, tell Gabe how you feel, and plant a wet one on him. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock."
Nathalie managed a glare at the kwami before quickly wheeling herself to a hiding spot. Seconds later, Adrien, Kagami, and a red-eyed Marinette burst through the roof's door.
"G-Guys, seriously, I (can't control it!") Marinette clenched her eyes shut. Everything she looked at was a potential weapon to be used to end Kagami.
"We need a place to hide. Quick, in here!" Adrien grabbed both of the girls' hands and the three of them jumped into the pool which had been turned into a ball pit.
The door burst open again. This time Ape-Man, face still tender, entered. Slowly and carefully he searched under all the tables.
In the ball pit, Adrien and Kagami held their breaths and watched.
The Beast hunted.
It swam through the balls, circling Kagami. Only Marinette's twin-tails breaching the surface marked where it was like a pair of shark fins. This was the perfect time to strike. The Beast armed itself with one of the many balls and aimed for the back of that slut Kagami's skull. Inside, Marinette begged for it to stop, but The Beast wouldn't listen.
It attacked!
The plastic ball, which weighed half an ounce, bounced harmlessly off Kagami's head and landed by Ape-Man's feet. He accidentally stepped on it and slipped back down the stairs.
"Way to go, Marinette!" Adrien said.
"You have saved us—" Kagami's congrats was interrupted by volley after volley of plastic balls gently hitting her. She could hardly feel them.
The Beast kept firing at the girl, enraged by the lack of blood. ("Why won't you DIE?!")
"Is Friend Marinette challenging me to a duel?" Kagami asked Adrien.
"Sort of. It's a game, Kagami. Like our swordfighting."
"I see." The Japanese girl nodded solemnly. With a flip, she was suddenly high in the air with dozens of balls around her. She drew her katana. "Then I shall play."
("...fuck…") The Beast whimpered and retreated. Marinette breathed freely. "Finally! I thought I was—FUUUCK!" she screamed as a tsunami of balls drowned her. In the whirling current of plastic, she felt a tug on hair followed by a snap.
"I am victorious," Kagami claimed in her monotone, raising Marinette's hair ties in the air like they were her prize.
Marinette surfaced seconds later. It took her a moment, but she soon realized that her hair was no longer tied into tails. "Hey! Kagami, give those—"
"Whoa…" Adrien said, staring at Marinette in wonder. "Who are you, stranger?"
Marinette blinked. That had not been a playful way to say he'd never seen her hair down before. Adrien was genuinely looking at her as if he had no clue who she was.
"Boyfriend Adrien has some form of face-blindness. It is especially fun to 'mess' with him, as the Westerners say. Watch," Kagami whispered to her and quickly snapped the hair ties on her own head. "I am here, Friend Adrien," she said, not even trying to sound like Marinette.
"Oh there you are, Marinette," Adrien said happily to Kagami. "Have you met this new girl? What was your name again?"
Marinette's eyes flicked back and forth between the two. A dark idea crept in. If Adrien really was so face-blind, then all she needed to do was snip her hair to resemble Kagami's and take her place. Yes… it was perfect. Kagami's mom was already blind. (Adrien would never know the differe—
"GAAAAAH!" Marinette swam for the pool's edge and repeatedly bashed her head against the wall.
Downstairs:
The party guests ducked and covered as butlers calmly handed Andre and Audrey their 20th anniversary engraved assault rifles. The married couple shoved the barrels against each other's necks.
"hhhYou're the reason I hhhhave responsibilities!" Audrey roared.
"You're the reason I don't have a chin!" Andre roared back.
"Fuck hhhyou!"
"Fuck you!"
"FUCK hhhYOU!"
"This is a great party," Chloe said, helping herself to some macarons.
Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:
A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man scrambling to catch up. "Too far! I pushed them too far! Crap! Gotta fix this!" Hawkmoth filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.
Across the city the dark messenger flew until it reached the hotel. It aimed for the front doors and smacked against the glass. The butterfly shook its head, flew back, and waved its wings at the motion sensor. The sliding doors didn't open. It only then noticed a new sign above the sensor. The plaque read: NOW 100% AKUMA PROOF.
Hawkmoth went pale. "Fuck."
The gunshots began.
On the hotel roof:
Gunfire raged downstairs, but the teens didn't hear the ratatatatatata over the lovey-dovey piano solo Adrien played. Kagami lounged on the instrument, lost in the boy's serene face. Marinette, bleeding and exhausted, dragged her heavy body out of the pool, hair ties clenched in her fist, and saw the picture-perfect romantic moment.
"Stop..." she woozily protested but had no strength to crawl closer.
A pair of cooing doves just happened to fly by and place crowns of roses on Adrien and Kagami's heads. They leaned toward each other.
"Don't… do it…"
A plane drifted past them, dragging the message JUST KISS ALREADY! Their eyes fluttered shut, their lips puckered.
"Please… no…"
And Kagami pulled away again. "Boyfriend Adrien, doesn't Friend Marinette's hair look beautiful?"
Marinette froze again.
Adrien blinked again. "Uh—"
Ape-Man stormed in again.
Everyone stared at everyone.
"Sh'mon 'n giss na grrl," croaked Sebastian the crab.
"FUCK OFF!" Marinette cried with renewed anger. She fired one of her hair ties at Ape-Man. It struck his nose and down the stairs he tumbled again.
"Well done, Friend Marinette," Kagami said. "Let us 'blow this joint,' as the Westerners say."
Outside:
Kagami pulled Adrien and Marinette out of the hotel, the latter two were very confused. The black butterfly silently thanked them for getting the door and flew inside. Over the bullet holes and trembling guests it fluttered before it reached Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois and shattered on their cloak.
A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on both of their faces and they saw the visage of a silver-masked man.
"Wow, yikes, okay," Hawkmoth said. "Glad I got here before anyone got hurt."
"My leg! I've been shot!" the butler Jean-Whatever whimpered nearby.
"Ignoring that. Here's the deal. I give you the power to take out your problems on everyone else, you get me all the love I need to free the woman I lov—like—am attracted—respect as a person. Okay?"
Audrey and Andre grinned. "We're in."
Both were swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a giant head with two faces! "I am Hearthunter!" they proclaimed. "All your love will belong to us!" PEW! A pink ray fired out of their eyes and hit the cowering Dupain-Chengs. The two were transformed into a cartoony heart that was quickly gobbled up by Hearthunter.
"Mmm, hhhdelectable," hummed the female face.
"Reminds me of foie gras," giggled the male face.
"hhhWho's next?"
The rest of the party guests had escaped. There was no one left… except Chloe. The girl stood there in the center of the dance floor, smiling.
"Uh, Chloe, my princess, aren't you gonna run?"
"Nope." Chloe started to bounce with excitement. "This is perfect! I'm the ultimate weapon!"
"hhhWhatever you say, darling. Now hhhget in my mouth." PEW! Hearthunter struck Chloe with a pink ray!
Nothing happened.
"hhhWhat?"
PEW!
"What's going on?!"
PEW! PEW! PEW!
Chloe stood there, taking every shot with a smug look. "I'm immune to your magic, Hearthunter. You can't touch me because I don't love ANYBODY!"
It got very quiet.
"Not even hhhyourself?"
"No!" Chloe cackled madly. "This is it! Ladybug has to take me back! I'm the only one who can defeat you!" She dashed upstairs.
Hearthunter floated where she left them.
"I think we failed as parents."
"hhhYou just figured this out?"
On the roof:
Chloe pranced to her Bee Signal. "And then Ladybug will say, 'Oh, Chloe, I was so wrong about you. You're the real hero. Please forgive me.' And I'll say, 'Maybe. I'll think about it. Until then how about you kiss my botoxed, porcelain ass—' WHAT THE FUCK?!"
She saw the unplugged wire on the ground next to the Bee Signal.
"Sabotage?! Who did this? Nononono! How am I supposed to prove myself to Ladybug now?"
Desperate, Chloe picked up the wire and searched for a way to fix this. She squinted intensely at the plug's prongs.
"Hmmm..."
Then she squinted even more intensely at the Bee Signal and the slot that was a matching size and shape to the plug.
"Hmmmmmmmmmm..."
She squinted long and hard. Back at the plug. At the plug-shaped slot. The plug. The slot.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."
It was at this moment that Chloe realized she had never plugged anything in before in her entire life and hadn't the slightest clue how. She didn't even plug her own phone into its charger. That was what the help was for. No help was here now, though. Only her. An idea began to form. It was crazy, but these were desperate times. Arms trembling, Chloe raised the plug, took careful aim, and pressed the prongs into her nose.
ZAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaAAAAAAAP!
Chloe fell to the ground, scorched, smoking, and twitching.
Meanwhile, blocks away:
The trio of teens had escaped the boring party and caught their breath by the edge of the Seine River.
"Wow, I've never bailed on a party before. It feels so fun to be disobedient." Adrien marveled. He then took Kagami's hands and leaned forward with a love-filled gaze. "Thanks for getting us out of there, Kagami. You're amazing."
"You know who is more amazing?" Kagami said. "Friend Marinette. Her lips are quite kissable."
It suddenly got very quiet.
"W-Wha—"
BOOM!
A hole in the plane of reality tore open on a nearby bridge and from its unspeakable depths emerged a man pushing… an ice cream cart!
"My name is Andre, Andre Glacier, the Sweetheart Matchmaker!" the man sang along with the haunting notes that ground out of his cart. "With one scoop or two, Marinette, I'll have my revenge on you! A fate that will make you quiver!" He smiled malevolently down at the trio and his soulless glassy eyes glistened like diamonds.
"Hey, girls, I got an idea! Hahah!" Adrien said nervously. "Let's get ice cream and forget whatever Kagami just said! HAHAH!" He ran off.
Now alone, Marinette stopped Kagami before she could follow. "What was that? And what was with all those weird compliments? It's like every time you were having a moment with Adrien, you pushed his attention onto me."
Kagami responded with a straight face. "I'm doing as you instructed, Friend Marinette."
"...Huh?"
"'If you believe you are about to kiss Boyfriend Adrien, switch topics to Friend Marinette and note how attractive she is,'" Kagami recited with ease. She bowed deeply to Marinette. "I am eternally grateful for your Western guidance, Friend Marinette. I am lucky to have you as my friend. Without your help, I surely would have 'totally blown it,' which is very confusing. It was my understanding that boys enjoyed getting blown."
Guilt stabbed Marinette through the heart. She'd completely forgotten about the dozens of fake boyfriend tips she'd fed Kagami. Each and every one had been designed to backfire. She suddenly felt like a worse friend than Alya, like a bigger liar than Lila.
"I would have never known the Westerner tradition of mentioning how better you are than me to Boyfriend Adrien every day."
Guilt stabbed her heart again.
"Or how I should forward you any gifts Boyfriend Adrien gives me."
Guilt twisted both knives.
"Nor would I have known to deny Boyfriend Adrien's calls, avoid going near Boyfriend Adrien, and every time Boyfriend Adrien asks me out to say I have explosive diarrhea."
Guilt flicked her nose for good measure.
"No, no, NO! What have I done?" Marinette grabbed her head, horrified at how far she'd pushed this. She pulled Kagami into a hug. "You're so kind and innocent, Kagami, and I've been terrible to you. I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?" Kagami suddenly gasped while maintaining an emotionless straight face. "Oh my Big Red X. Friend Marinette, I just realized what you were secretly trying to do."
Marinette's eyes bugged out and she suddenly feared for her life. She dove under a park bench. "I wasn't trying to steal Adrien from you! I'd never do that! Never! I wasn't planning (to murder you, hide your body in the river, and keep my Adrien all for myself!) GAAAAH! Shut up!"
"You were attempting to engage Boyfriend Adrien and me in what the French call a ménage à trois. More commonly known as a threeway."
And now Marinette was blushing. "That's-That's—I don't—I wasn't—" That's not a bad idea, Lady Noire purred into her ear. A calm hand was extended to her. Marinette followed it to Kagami's face and saw no traces of murderous intent. Warily, she allowed Kagami to gently pull her out from under the park bench.
"I wish to experience all the Western world has to offer," Kagami said, squeezing her hand, "and I am flattered you have the 'girl-crush' on me, but I love you as a friend, Friend Marinette."
The warm sincerity in her monotone brought a tear to Marinette's cheek. "You… really are my friend, aren't you?"
"Always, Friend Marinette. You are not a threat."
There were plenty of girls who claimed to be her friend, but only with Kagami did it feel true. It felt right. She really did want to be Marinette's friend. That realization made guilt nod its head at her and ask what she was going to do now.
"I… I have to fix this." Marinette pulled Kagami to the bridge where Adrien and Andre waited.
The Ice Cream Man gleamed with unholy glee at their approach. "Aha! Marinette, the bane of my existence! Today shall be the end of your resistance. For months I've picked my ice cream flavors apart, searching for the one combination that would enslave your heart—"
"Yeah, yeah, you're spooky, good for you. Hook these two up!" Marinette shoved Adrien and Kagami forward.
"Hebettawha?" Andre Glacier sputtered.
"I said magically bind these two idiots together forever with your dark dairy magic!"
"But-but-but my revenge! I had a plan. It was really cool and it all rhymed—"
"Screw your rhymes! I'll do it myself!" Marinette shoved Andre Glacier aside and yanked open the ice cream cart's lid.
"No, wait, don't!" Andre wailed but it was too late. The second the cover opened, a flood of wretched phantasms spilled forth. The hollow notes grinding out of the cart quickened and quickened until they became a frantic screech, making Marinette think of millions of ghosts screaming their last. Under their feet the entire bridge rattled and shook and further below the Seine bubbled and frothed.
"My souls!" Andre Glacier cried out. "My precious souls!"
The phantasms came together and formed a massive crooked skull. "Andre Glacier… you're time has come..." the thing moaned. Ghostly chains whipped out of the ice cream cart and latched onto the man's wrists. With a sharp tug, the chains ripped what looked like the spirit of Andre Glacier out of his body. They began to reel that spirit in.
"No! Please!" the ghost of Andre begged. "I still have so many flavors to concoct! So many hearts to curse! You can't do this to me! I've existed since time eternal! I'm the Ice Cream Man! I'm the Ice Cream—"
He and the souls disappeared into the much smaller cart and the lid shut with a clack.
Everyone stared.
"Well, golly gee willikers, I have customers!" sang a much friendlier voice. Andre Glacier hopped to his feet, ice cream scoop in hand. "What can I get for you?"
"Uh…" Marinette swallowed. "You got any magical ice cream that forces people to fall in love?"
"I certainly don't." Andre chuckled. "What a flavor that would be! You've got quite the imagination, little lady."
With dread, Marinette noticed how Andre Glacier's demeanor had become less creepy and his glassy diamond eyes less demonic. He almost looked… human. "I fucked up," she mumbled and trudged away.
"Friend Marinette, where are you going?" Kagami asked. "What is the next step in being a Westerner girlfriend?"
Marinette smiled sadly at the only girl who was ever her friend. "Forget everything I told you. Just do what comes natural." And she left.
Across the city she slowly marched, never once looking back. Adrien and Kagami were no doubt sharing their ice cream by now. The image made The Beast snarl, but Marinette quelled it with a firm "Shut up!" She was ashamed of herself. She felt she didn't deserve the one she loved. She was ready to give up.
"Tikki, am I a bad person?" Marinette asked.
"Y'up," Tikki answered without hesitation.
Marinette stared.
"What? Were you expecting a long-winded heartfelt speech? You're a bad person. Change or get used to it."
Change.
As mean-spirited as it sounded, that had been the most useful life advice Marinette had ever heard. Change. She could change. She would change. She will change!
PEW! PEW!
Marinette looked up at the odd noise in time to see Officer Roger dive into the middle of the road and cover his gun with his body.
"No! My one true love! I'll protect you!" he proclaimed and kissed the weapon.
PEW!
A pink ray struck the odd couple and they were turned into a cartoony heart. The thing was gobbled up by Hearthunter.
"hhhThat one was peculiar."
"Not as odd as that young man we caught in bed with a sarcophagus."
Marinette cracked her knuckles and ducked into an alley. "Okay… change… I can change. Prepare to meet the new me, world. Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug. The heroine swung onto the roof and began to fight.
Nearby:
Hawkmoth eagerly watched the battle, hidden behind a chimney. "Yes, it's all going according to plan, Nathalie. When this is over we'll have the Miraculouses and all the love you'll ever need to be free of Duusu! MuahahaHAAHAAHAH—"
He only then noticed Nathalie wasn't beside him.
"Nathalie?"
In the cathedral:
Nathalie was slumped at the foot of Emilie's coffin. She hadn't moved in over an hour.
"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock."
Back in the fight:
"Oh, I'm sure she's fine," Hawkmoth assured himself. He continued to watch Ladybug try and fail to negotiate with Hearthunter.
PEW! PEW! "hhhFight us, Ladybug!"
"I'm trying to change into a better person!" Ladybug yelled back, refusing to throw a single punch. "That means not immediately resorting to violence. Let's both be civilized and use our words."
"Oh, well, in that case, let's talk about our problems over a relaxing cup of tea."
"Really?"
"hhhNO!" PEW! PEW! PEW!
Seeing no other option, Ladybug lassoed Hearthunter and hurled them into a building. She quickly swung her way across the city. Hawkmoth slapped on a fake mustache and followed.
"Okay, so talking things out didn't work," Ladybug admitted to herself. "Maybe another Miraculous wielder can get to them. Who would be able to emotionally reach Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois?"
"Yoo-hoo! Ladybug!" A voice called. "It's me! Chloe Bourgeois! The only child of Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois!"
Ladybug gasped. "Chloe! Of course!" She landed on the hotel roof.
"Aha! It's about time!" Chloe snarked. "I have been super pay-chance. What took you so long?"
"Chloe, I'm trying to change into a better person and that means being honest. The real reason I let you be Queen Bee again was so I could trap you in a neverending demon war and I only stopped letting you be Queen Bee because I completely forgot you existed and was too embarrassed to admit it. My bad." Ladybug let out a huge sigh of relief. "Wow, that felt so good to say. I had no idea that was eating me up inside. The truth really is freeing. Anyway, you still can't be Queen Bee, see ya."
She swung away.
Chloe stared at the spot where Ladybug used to be. Her eye spasmed.
A mustachioed man in a silver mask tiptoed past her.
Later by the Seine:
It was pure coincidence, at least that's what she told herself, that Ladybug's trip took her right by Adrien and Kagami. Time slowed to a crawl as she swung past them sitting on the Seine's edge. In slow-motion, she watched the horror unfold.
Kagami kindly wiped an adorable vanilla mustache from Adrien's lip.
Ladybug barely managed to smile.
Adrien gently wiped an equally adorable cherry mustache from Kagami's lip.
Ladybug barely managed to be happy for them.
A drop of ice cream dripped between Kagami's boobs. She looked expectantly at Adrien.
The Beast dropped to the street and uprooted a tree. She aimed the trunk at Kagami. Ladybug headbutted the wood and took back control. She swung away before she saw more.
A mustachioed silver-masked man followed, his face hidden behind a newspaper.
Later, at the Agreste Mansion:
Ladybug, shaken and confused, landed at the front door. "Ugh! Why does changing suck so much?!" She banged on the door and out came Fu.
"The fuck are you doing?!" he said.
Ladybug looked at herself and realized she was still Ladybug! "FUCK!" She whipped around. The coast was clear except for a gawking, silver-masked, mustachioed gardener who was mowing the grass with a lawn flamingo. "YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!" she shouted at the stranger and ducked into the mansion.
"Don't worry, I wasn't followed," Ladybug assured and then kindly asked, "How are you doing, by the way, Fu? You eating all your fruits and vegetables?"
Fu stared. "...Huh?"
"Drinking enough water? Getting exercise? Sleeping well?"
Fu continued to stare. "What wrong with you, Marinette?"
"I'm trying to change into a better person! Appreciate it, you lazy, selfish asshole!" Ladybug quickly composed herself. "Ahem, may I please see the Miraculous Box?"
Still weirded out, Fu brought out the Box from under the doormat and let her choose.
For the first time in a very long time, Ladybug thought before she acted. "Okay, don't just jump in, Marinette, think this through. The most logical choice to appease Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois is their daughter but I thoroughly burned that bridge. So the next closest person would be..."
"Sabrina?" Fu suggested.
("Kagami!") The Beast said. It grabbed the Dragon Miraculous and swung away before logic could catch up.
Fu shrugged and slipped the Miraculous Box back under the doormat. A shadow fell over him. "Oh, hello, gardener gweilo, you need come inside and water plants?"
The gardener peeled off his mustache.
"...Fuck."
Later, near the Seine:
Ladybug stumbled and tumbled her way across the rooftops, fighting The Beast with every step. "Leave Kagami alone! (She must die!) No, she's my friend! (She's taking my Adrien!) If anyone deserves Adrien, it's her! (My Adrien is MINE!) Adrien doesn't belong to me or to anyone! It's his choice and I'm not gonna obsess—"
Ladybug arrived and saw Kagami pop the last bite of ice cream cone into Adrien's mouth. Then the Japanese girl leaned toward him. A rainbow appeared in the sky and a passing guitarist riding a unicorn happened to start strumming the most romantic song he knew. Adrien swallowed and leaned toward Kagami too. Their eyes fluttered shut, their lips puckered and—
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Ladybug lassoed Kagami and wrenched her to the roof.
Kagami didn't notice she was now in the heroine's arms and started making out with Ladybug. "Mmm, Boyfriend Adrien, mmm, you taste just like Friend Marinette. Mmm, I like that."
You don't taste half-bad yourself, Lady Noire purred.
"GAAAAAH!" Ladybug pulled away from the soft lips that made her stomach flip. "N-No time, I need your help!" She dashed away with the girl.
Adrien, who had been making out with the fencepost Kagami used to be leaning against, realized girls don't usually taste like paint and opened his eyes. He caught a glimpse of Ladybug carrying Kagami away and realized it was time to fight. He ducked into an alley to transform.
Later:
"So, you and Adrien Agreste, huh?" Ladybug awkwardly said as Kagami transformed into Ryuko.
"We would have never gotten together if it were not for my friend Friend Marinette."
("Don't remind me!") Ladybug collapsed a chimney on herself to beat The Beast back.
"However..." Ryuko wrung her hands and actually looked slightly worried. "I recently discovered Friend Marinette is romantically interested in me. She pushed her own feelings aside to 'hook me up,' as the Westerners say, with Boyfriend Adrien. I worry I was too quick to dismiss her. I do not wish to hurt our friendship."
Ladybug's head poked out of the pile of bricks and she carefully asked, "Would it hurt your friendship if Marinette actually liked Adrien?"
"No, it would not," Ryuko answered firmly.
Ladybug felt a glimmer of hope.
"However…" Ryuko drew her blade and summoned the elements of wind, water, and electricity, forming a torrential hurricane around them. "I would have no choice but to declare Friend Marinette as my eternal blood rival. Not a day would go by without our feud for Adrien's love further escalating. The annals of history would record our clash as the greatest battle waged across Europe. Thousands would perish. Families would be torn apart. Kingdoms would fall."
With a swipe of Ryuko's sword, Hurricane Kagami dissipated.
"But we would still be friends," Ryuko concluded. "Why do you ask?"
Ladybug trembled and her glimmer of hope was extinguished. "...No reason."
Back at the mansion:
"Come back here, Guardian!" Hawkmoth growled, chasing after the frantically running Fu. "You're not getting away from me!"
Fu ducked behind the statue of Emilie and came back out in his Fuu mustache.
"Fuu, have you seen Fu? He was just here."
Fuu stroked his fake mustache. "Fu? Hmmm, Fu... Short man, pointy beard, bad back?"
"Yes!"
"Never heard of him."
"AGH! Damn it all to hell! He couldn't have escaped! Not aga—"
"ACHOO!"
Fuu's slimy mustache smacked Hawkmoth in the face. Hawkmoth wiped it off and stared at Fu. "Wait, why do you look exactly like Fu—Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Hawkmoth flicked the mustache away and wiped his hand on his pants. "I'm gonna kick your ass."
WHAM!
Fu tumbled across the yard. Hawkmoth stomped after him, roaring at the top of his lungs, "Tell me the true identities of Ladybug and Chat Noir!"
"Okay! Okay! Me tell! Me tell!" Fu blubbered. "Is Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste!"
Hawkmoth scoffed and gathered the Miraculous Box into his arms. "Do you take me for a fool, Fuu, or should I call you Fu? Right under my nose this entire time. Not only are you a master deceiver but you've no doubt been trained in ancient Chinese techniques to resist torture. I can't believe anything that comes out of your mouth, not until after I've broken you."
"No breaking needed! Me tell you! Marinette and Adrien is Ladybug and Chat Noir!"
"Who are Ladybug and Chat Noir?! Answer me!" Hawkmoth raised his cane like a sword.
"Wait! No! You can't hit me. Me old! Me brittle! Me, uh, uh..." Fu put on a pair of fake glasses. "You no hit guy with glasses, right?"
WHAM!
Fu flew across the yard, skipped over three moats, bounced over the spike pits, and landed on a comfy pillow.
"Huh. Me lucky," he said.
An anvil landed on his head.
Wayzz floated out. "Are you gonna take this seriously or should I start writing your epitaph? What do you think about 'Here Lies Fu: He Always Stole His Neighbor's Wi-Fi?' I think it has a nice ring."
"No. Me take seriously," Fu grumbled and shook away the hallucinated flying fortune cookies. The old man hardened his glare at Hawkmoth and raised the arm that wore a jade bracelet. "Wayzz, shell on!"
In a glow of green, he transformed into a turtle-themed hero. Thick tortoise-shell armor clad his thin body, making the man appear twice as muscular. His eyes crackled with untapped bottomless magical power. Atop his head sat a wide, green, bladed hat that looked like the one Raiden wore in fucking Mortal Kombat!
"Me am Jade Turtle."
"Whoa… That's so badass," Hawkmoth whispered. The tension in the air frightened him. He was no longer facing an old man. Those pecs! That battle-hardened stare! Did that kickass hat double as a weapon? It probably did. Hawkmoth was not the best fighter. He often got beaten easily whenever he tried, but he couldn't back down now. He needed to save Nathalie! Pushing through the fear, Hawkmoth charged and swung his cane!
"Shell-ter."
Instantly, a bubble-shield appeared around Jade Turtle. Hawkmoth's cane bounced off it. "You little fucker!" Hawkmoth swung and swung, but not a scratch was left. "Come out of there!"
"No."
"Right now!"
"No."
"This isn't fair!"
"Me not losing, am me? Is legitimate strategy," Jade Turtle said smugly.
Hawkmoth roared and snapped his fingers.
With a great thud Toothless landed next to them. "Break," Hawkmoth ordered.
Toothless trilled and belched electric-fire with joy.
In the cathedral:
The cry of Toothless echoed in the distance. The ceiling shook and a layer of dust rained down.
"Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Nat, c'mon!" Duusu whined. "This is so boring. We're missing the big moment. I wanna see how Gabe totally fails. Is this really how you want to spend your last day? UGH!"
Duusu kept on complaining, but Nathalie didn't listen. All of her attention was on Emilie. Was this how she wanted to spend her last day? No. She needed to do this. She needed the time to build up the courage. She'd put this off for far too long. If she didn't say it today, she never would. With shaky fingers, she typed, "I'm sorry."
"Sorry? For the love of Big Red X!" Duusu again kept on complaining and again Nathalie didn't listen. She'd finally said what she'd been holding in for so long, but Emilie kept laying there. Unresponsive as always.
Sighing, she wheeled for the mini-elevator.
"It's not your fault."
Nathalie and Duusu stopped. They whirled around. Emilie was still in her coffin.
"Who the fuck said that?" Duusu asked.
Nathalie wheeled back toward the coffin. "Emilie, is that you?" she typed.
"Emy?" Duusu glanced back and forth between the body and Nathalie. "Oh good, we've lost our marbles like Gabe. Not a big loss for me. I hardly had any marbles to begin with. HAHA!"
The voice was sweet and kind, just like Nathalie remembered her. "I knew the risks going into this, Nathalie, and I paid for them. You don't have to end up like me. If you do, who will be there to look after my Gabby-poo? He needs someone to watch out for him. And that person is you."
"But… But I'm the one who—"
"Hey, Nathalie, I already told you. It's not your fault."
It was quiet for a very long time. In that silence, a great weight was lifted from Nathalie's shoulders. She sniffled back the tears. There would be time to cry later. Right now, Gabriel needed her.
"Duusu, spread my feathers." In a burst of blue, she transformed into Mayura and ran to join the fight.
A few moments passed.
Then… The Banana stepped out from behind the glass coffin.
"I've done my best to keep this crazy family together, although it might not have been enough," The Banana said in Emilie's voice. They faced the unresponsive woman and layed a yellow hand on the glass. Their giant styrofoam eyes glistened in the faint light. "I know you said to let The Banana go, let it die with you, but the world needs The Banana. The world needs hope. So… until you come back and tell me otherwise, Emilie, I shall keep your slippery sense of justice ap-peel-ing."
The Banana turned off the voice modulator and pulled off their mask. In the glass reflected the smile of Ape-Man.
Meanwhile, across the city:
Chloe was still gawking at the spot where Ladybug had left her.
Forgotten about her.
Abandoned her.
Just like her mommikins.
"Hi, Chloe. Bye, Chloe," Ladybug called as she swung by with Ryuko.
Chloe had no reaction.
Somebody nearby cleared their throat. It was Hawkmoth.
"Oh good!" Chloe's mouth stretched into a rictus grin that looked more at home on a serial killer. "I was hoping for a chance to vent. Gimme the Akuma!"
"That's not going to happen, Chloe," Hawkmoth said gently. "I will never try to akumatize you ever again. I'm here because I know what it's like to feel alone. I know how terrible it feels. But it doesn't last forever. Things will get better if you give them a chance and allow other people into your life."
There was a pause.
Chloe hefted the Bee Signal over her head.
"Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!" Hawkmoth turned to run. The girl chucked the heavy light. It landed with a satisfying CRUNCH! "...ow."
Chloe added her foot to the pile and glared down at Hawkmoth pinned under the Bee Signal.
"Uhhhh, well d-d-done, Chloe!" Hawkmoth stuttered out. "You've passed the test! Yes! This was all a test to see… uh, if you were… worthy! Yes, worthy of-of-of-of this flower!" He plucked a flower from a nearby bush and offered it to her. She bit the plant out of his hand and swallowed it. "Mmm-hmm, passed with flying colors. Now, if you'll please stop looking at me like you want to break every bone in my body, I'll give you your congratulatory pat on the back and be on my way."
Chloe's murderous glare drifted to the out of place oriental box in his arms.
Hawkmoth started to sweat. "Oh this? This is nothing. Just junk from my attic. Complete trash. Not magic in the least."
She took the box.
Hawkmoth started to panic. "Oh! Oh, you want to see it? Okay, yeah, sure, not a problem. There's nothing interesting in there. No need to open it."
She opened the box.
Hawkmoth pissed himself. "Whaaat? Are those Miraculouses? How did those get in there? I'm just as shocked as you, Chloe. Shocked, I say. Could I have that back?"
Chloe shoved the Bee Signal's plug up Hawkmoth's nose.
ZAAAaaaaaaaaAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaaAAAP!
The comb slid easily into her hair. The golden sphere spawned and with it came the drums of war. Pollen appeared.
"Ah, mein zlave," the kwami said. "How nice to zee you again. Und what deztruction zhall we reign today?"
Chloe's mouth finally opened and she uttered the words, "All of it."
Hawkmoth suddenly felt cold.
"All?" Pollen asked eagerly.
"Ladybug broke my heart. Now, I'm gonna break everything. Pollen, buzz on!" In a shockwave of gold, she transformed into Queen Bee.
For the first time in his life Hawkmoth suddenly wondered if he was the bad guy. He ripped out the plug. "Well, you don't need me anymore, I'll just crawl to the nearest hospital and—"
Queen Bee stomped on his arm and ripped the cane out of his hand. She popped the top open to reveal a black butterfly.
"No…" Hawkmoth whispered.
She took the insect and slammed it against her spinning top. It shattered.
"Not again! NOT AGAIN!"
Queen Bee was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a dark and twisted version of her hero form. Her super-suit became a sharper armor with jagged edges and a crown atop her head with tips as sharp as thorns. This was Miracle Queen!
"NOOOOOOOO!"
She smiled down at him. "You get a five-minute head start."
Meanwhile:
Chat Noir joined Ladybug and Ryuko in racing toward Hearthunter. "Hello there, Ryuko, did you know I have a girlfriend?"
"That is wonderful to hear, Hero Chat Noir. What is she like?"
"Oh, you could say she's my personal Ladybug." He heavily winked at Ladybug who was covering her ears and scrunching her face.
"How strange. That is how my boyfriend refers to me. He calls it a pet name," Ryuko noted.
"No way! What are the odds?" Chat Noir laughed at this complete coincidence.
"Do you think he is implying he is interested in being a furry?"
"GUYS, FOCUS!" Ladybug ordered. "We have an Akuma to deal with."
Ryuko and Chat Noir drew their weapons. "Right, what's the plan, M'Lady?" Chat Noir asked.
The trio landed on the nearest roof to Hearthunter who had just gobbled up the heart that used to be Vincent and a cardboard cutout of Jagged Stone. Ladybug stepped forward and said, "Follow my lead." She straightened her back, popped her neck, and cleared her throat. "Hearthunter, what's really bothering you?"
"Huh?" said Chat Noir.
"Huh?" said Ryuko.
"hhhHuh?" said Hearthunter.
"You say you want all the love in Paris but why?" Ladybug asked. "Why do you want all that love? Do you really believe the love that doesn't belong to you will fill the lack of love in your own life? Love isn't some snack you can stuff your face with. It takes effort and years of compromise and sacrifice. Yes, it hurts, but without that pain love isn't special. It means nothing. Don't you think?"
It was quiet for a while.
Then...
"AAAHHHHH! She is here! Miracle Queen! The Ender of All!" Hearthunter wailed and skewered themself on a lamppost. They were swallowed by bubbling darkness and separated back into Audrey and Andre.
"Huh, what do you know," Ladybug said. "Talking actually works. I didn't even need you guys."
Ladybug de-evilized the butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug. All of the eaten couples were returned.
"That had to be the easiest battle ever," Ladybug remarked. "Wow. I should talk through my problems more often." She turned to Chat Noir. "Chat, I'm jealous of your girlfriend but I think I can live with losing you."
Chat Noir sputtered, "Jealous? But-but you are my gir—"
"Ryuko, I admire your determination to remain friends with Marinette, but there are other more mature ways to deal with boy problems other than blood feuds."
The dragon-girl nodded thoughtfully, "Perhaps you are correct, Hero Ladybug. I shall consider it."
Emboldened, Ladybug gazed over the cityscape, feeling the wind in her hair. The air tasted crisp and clean to her. This truly felt like the beginning of a new chapter in her life. One where she wasn't constantly stressed by The Beast. One where she could solve her problems without anger and violence. One where she could be happy.
Later:
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Marinette screamed.
The Agreste front lawn was in ruins. Craters pocked the ground. Fires razed the gardens. Someone had chucked a toilet out a window and left the seat up. Over it all, scrawled on the mansion's face in shiny turtle wax, was the message: HELP! ME CAPTURED! THIS YOUR FAULT, MILLENNIAL!
Marinette knelt down and cradled the abandoned Fuu mustache. "What have I done?"
"I know, right? Talk your way out of this one, Gandhi," Tikki snarked.
"It's okay. This is fine," Marinette squeaked in that certain wheeze that told the world this was in fact not fine. "I'll just track down Hawkmoth, who I don't know the location or identity of, and calmly talk things out before he decides to unleash all the kwamis who are raring to destroy the human race. Hahaha! It's so simple! Hahaha! Nothing to it! GAAAAAAH! (EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART! WHY CAN'T I CATCH A BREAK?!")
"Salutations, Miss Dupain-Cheng!" The throaty rumble of Luka's motorcycle ended with a final roar. The boy started some loud headbanger rock 'n roll on his phone, lit another toothpick, and waited politely. "Does this appease you?"
Marinette marched over, crushed the phone, and hugged him tightly. She peered up at him with wide wet eyes. "Stop it. Just stop it, Luka. I already have so much (CRAP) in my life. I need something normal for once. Please, just be normal."
Seeing her clear desperation, Luka nodded and dutifully tossed aside his leather jacket. "And what is normal, Miss?"
Marinette did not know the answer to this question. What was normal about seeking comfort in a human-doorbell hybrid? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But maybe there was something that could be done about that. Acting on a pure whim, she cupped his cheeks and brought his face down to hers.
At the same time, across the city:
Adrien jogged to Kagami who waited by the Seine. "Hey, Kagami! What happened? Did Ladybu—"
Kagami grabbed his face and pulled him into a fierce kiss.
"MMM! What are you doing?" he managed to say.
"What comes natural," Kagami replied and stuck her tongue in there.
Also at the same time:
Hawkmoth ran for his life across the rooftops. There was little time. His super-suit wouldn't protect him from what Miracle Queen had planned. He needed to get back to the mansion. He had to warn Adrien and Natha—
"Sir." Mayura landed in his path and immediately crumbled under her weak legs.
"Mayura!" He scooped her into his arms. "We need to hide! I fucked up! I mean I really really fucked up this time—"
"I know, sir, and I'll help you."
"No one can help us! We have to get out of here before she—"
"I'll always help you, sir, no matter what." She took his hands. "Because I love you, sir."
"That's great, I'll call ahead and tell Ape-Man to grab Adrien, prep the space shuttle, and pack extra apple juice… juice… jui…" His mind struggled to compute for a bit. "Wait, what did you say?"
Mayura used the last of her strength to pull him close and look him in the eye. "Gabriel Agreste, I love you." She didn't give him time to react. Mayura kissed Hawkmoth with everything she had.
What happened next was something straight out of a fairytale.
All three couples—Hawkmoth and Mayura, Adrien and Kagami, Luka and Marinette—so happened to kiss each other at the same time. It was such an impossible coincidence, that you might think fate had its slimy tentacles in this. And you'd be right. From where the three pairs of lips connected a blinding light shined brighter than the sun. People all across Paris stopped and shielded their eyes, including fate.
"AAAH! I'm going blind!" fate cried, its 17 goat eyes and 3.25 gecko eyes sizzling like eggs on a skillet.
"Fate, are you messing with the lives of the mortals again? You'd better not be."
"No, mom, don't come down here!"
The only one not averting their eyes was Mrs. Tsurugi who wondered what everyone was whining about. Her useless eyes stared directly into the light and if they'd worked, she would've seen three beams of flawless white arcing across the sky. Those beams met, joined, and shot straight up.
In the Realm of the Gods:
Hathor, the Egyptian god of Love, was sipping Her chamomile tea when a dusty cobwebbed red light flashed and She heard an alarm She hadn't heard since the Medieval Ages.
"A mortal is invoking the power of Love?!" She leaped with joy. "Finally! Fuck yeah! It's about fucking time! Love is in the house, baby!"
Hathor rubbed Her cow horns for good luck and sent a rainbow of pure Love to Earth.
Back in Paris:
From the heavens came the sounding of a thousand trumpets accompanied by a chorus of angels. Wind billowed through the streets, throwing many off their feet. The clouds parted and out came the rainbow of Love. The sparkling ray struck Mayura and she was raised out of Hawkmoth's hold. He dared to gaze into the light and managed to see the magic course over her body, enshrouding her until she looked like she was made of pure magic.
To him, she had never looked more beautiful.
Then, just as quickly as it had begun, it ended. The wind stopped. The light dimmed. The trumpets and angels ended. The shell of magic around Mayura vanished and she slowly floated back down to the roof. Hawkmoth caught her before she landed. She was limp in his arms, almost as if she was asleep.
"Mayura?" He shook her. "Mayura? Nathalie? Can you hear me?"
She stirred. Her eyes cracked open and the corners of her mouth tugged upwards in a weak smile.
"Nathalie, you're okay," Hawkmoth blubbered through the tears.
("HA! Got ya!") Mayura said.
"...Wh-What?"
Mayura howled with laughter. ("HAAHAHAHAHAHHA! Oh, you should see the look on your face, Gabe! 'I did it! True love's kiss saves the day!' Hilarious!")
"It… didn't?"
("No, you dumbass. You kissed Emy every single day. Why would kissing Nat suddenly defeat me? If anything...") Mayura flew into the air and manically shot out feathers in every direction. ("It made me more powerful!")
"But you said a kiss of true love would free her, Duusu!"
("Yeah! I lied! That's the joke! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!")
Hawkmoth didn't laugh.
("Jeez. Tough crowd. Alright, I'mma conquer the world using Nat's body as my meat puppet. Byyyyyyyyyye!")
TO BE CONCLUDED
Tomorrow.
