Hi )
Here is the next chapter and I hope you enjoy it.
I want to address those reviews that praise me on how well this story is written, all credit to my wonderful partner in crime ToReadGoodLiterature. She has that awesome way with words. As I said before English is my third language and while my writing and feel of the language has improved this story wouldn't be half as good if I did this on my own )
Christian POV
Tuesday 21 May 2019
It's just a little after six on a Tuesday morning and Taylor is driving us back to the penthouse. Our initial plan was to arrive back on Monday evening, but after speaking with Taylor he insisted an early morning return to avoid as much of the media as we can. There will always be your hard-core stalkers, but the volume of those bloodsuckers would be significantly less, hence the early morning rise.
I haven't slept yet, but its reason has nothing to do with the usual terror that grips me in my sleep. This sleeplessness was wholly other. The dawn that greeted me this morning is hopeful and full of promise. This day marks the beginning of a new me; a different me; a better version of me. At least, that's what I'm striving for.
After Ana and I made our way back to the marina from the beach, I fell into a melancholy mood. I had thought, or rather expected, that if I bared my vulnerability to this woman, she'd reciprocate similar feelings for me or at least wouldn't doubt my words. I know she's been bomb blasted with all my shit and yet, unlike any other woman I've ever known she didn't have a tantrum or play victim. Each time she was slapped with either my past, Elena, or my family she kept herself steady and upheld her own dignity. I'd like to think she did that in part for me because she held some affection for me, but I've since learnt it was for her own self-preservation. Rightly so. Still. It was a hope.
Since meeting Ana, I feel like I'm in a constant state of uncertainty. It's a feeling of doubt that I haven't felt since I was that angry pre-teen. I'm second guessing most of my decisions completely missing the mark on achieving a level of bare acquaintance let alone friendship with her, and this state of ambiguity is frustrating.
The purpose to laying bare the darkest part of me was to show Ana, in a real sense, my faith in her. Having put my trust in my father, grandfather and even Elliot – (which I'm still astounded by), I've only recently discovered that love and trust are essential to building relationships. None of them were disgusted or repulsed by me. They neither nailed me to the cross for my proclivities nor disowned me through false judgements as Elena had always professed their reaction to be. They, surprisingly, didn't judge me at all. If anything, Elliot wants a one on one tutorial for fucks sake. So, using the experience I recently attained with my family, and Flynn's advice, I took the plunge and spilt my guts.
Anastasia is the first woman outside of my family who I feel I can completely surrender myself to, without reservation, willingly. Although she didn't outright reject me, I was psychologically unprepared for her hesitancy. Her reluctance surprised me leaving me stumped. What the fuck more do I need to do to get her to want me, to love me. Is the darkness within me so black that despite what I do I'll forever be condemned to a life of emptiness? For the past two weeks I've started to doubt Elena and her horseshit of exclusivity. I was hoping with Ana there was a chance I could redeem myself to a different reality. When Ana excused herself to seek the solace of her cabin, I felt dejected. With a forlorn attitude I thought to do the only thing I knew I did well: work.
When I got the blueprints for this boat, I ensured one of the cabins would be my designated office fully equipped with the most up to date technology. Due to my insistence of a tech free weekend, I had purposefully left my laptop behind. I sat at my desk and pulled out several spiralled booklets of upcoming RFP's and current contracts from my bag. I piled the stack on my desk reading each proposal in turn jotting down notes in the margins, highlighting paragraphs and ear marking pages for faster reference. Typically, when I immerse myself in work, I'm able to move away from the sadness of my past. Thirty minutes was all this distraction allotted me before thoughts of Ana and the possibility of losing her gripped me.
The memory of that fateful afternoon replayed itself to remind me of the consequences should I fuck this up.
'Get a fucking grip Grey!' I toss the manuscript hearing the audible thud as it strikes my desk.
'This is quite the pity party you're throwing yourself. The woman didn't outright reject you…yet. She wasn't all take me now, but she also didn't laugh in your face and tell you to fuck off. Man-up and be the person she needs! Ana practically gave you her Dear Santa list of What I Want in a Husband, so if you lose her because you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself you have no one to blame but yourself.' Listening to my 'other' self and its motivating self-help talk, I push away from my desk and rise out of my chair to execute the first order of business.
I need to call Taylor to confirm our pickup time at the pier. I make my way to my cabin to grab my cell from my weekend bag and just as I fish out my cell out there's a knock on my door. Before I can reply Ana bursts through the entryway. Her presence, as always, captures my attention like no other.
"Christian, I need to…ah…hey…" she slowly crosses her arms over her chest and gives me a I-so-caught-you-look. "Tech free weekend eh?"
Oh shit.
Before she goes all Stephen King Carrie on me, I shove my cell into my back pocket leaving my hands free to block any attempted slaps that I'm almost sure to hit me. She's already cuffed me upside the head twice and despite how hot she may look when she's indignant, I'd rather not add another.
"Don't get your panties tied up in knots. Taylor made me." I sound like some errant child defending my position by blaming Taylor. Very manly Grey.
Now she's giving me that your-so-full-of-shit look. "Taylor made you."
"yah."
"For real."
"Look. I get why you're giving me sass, but this was Taylor's only concession for leaving us CPO free this weekend. The man's ex-military and he takes his responsibility for my personal safety seriously. I may employ him, but when it comes to security he doesn't fuck around. I'm just following orders. For real."
Geez.
"Ok. That makes sense. Sorry. I thought you were pulling one of those 'Do as I say, not as I do' sort of things."
"Believe Ana, with you, I've learnt my lesson. I think my ears are still ringing from this morning" I sass with a smile. "God, you're a cheeky one and apology accepted. Now, did you need me for something? You came in here for a reason." I smile hoping against hope she won't leave me. Please sweet Jesus, I'll promise I'll be really good boy if you look kindly on me.
My heart is fluttering a million miles a minute and if she doesn't speak soon, I think I might have a heart attack or pass out from lack of oxygen, because I think I stopped breathing too. The mere seconds she takes to collect herself seem to take years off my life.
'' Aright, I need to say this before I lose my nerve.'' She says just above whisper.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
''So, I've been thinking…" this is like Japanese torture, "I've had time to reflect on our situation, or rather I thought more on our conversation this morning...and…I'm not sure how to say this exactly…"
"Ana. I love you, truly, but for fuck sake I can't be responsible for my actions if keep me in suspense. Just say it."
"Okay. I was trying to be diplomatic."
Diplomatic? Fuck diplomacy. If you're calling it quits just hit me with it already.
"I think we should give this a go."
I knew it. FUCK! My throat goes dry and my heart drops into my stomach. I'm breaking out into a sweat playing her rejection over in my head…'should give this a go'…ah…wait. I jerk my head up quickly and bring my hands to cradle her face gently so I can see her eyes.
"Sorry. Can you repeat that? I just want to make sure that what I thought I heard you say is exactly what you are saying. Just…could you just say it one more time please."
Lifting her hands to cover my own, she repeats "I think we should give this, our relationship, a go."
HOLY FUCK! Oh, there is a God! Thank you, sweet Jesus. I so owe you big time. Whatever you want, I'll do it. Totally thank you, thank you, thank you.
I feel so lightheaded my head is spinning and my hands are shaking. I loudly exhale the breath I didn't realize I was holding. She's giving me a chance!
"I also think…"
I don't let her finish as I roughly pull her to me covering her mouth with an all-encompassing passionate kiss. I'm pouring everything I have into this kiss. It's a combination of joy, relief, and longing. To my elation she kisses me back with equal fever urging my wandering hands to the apex of her lower back my fingers digging into the rise of her perky ass in an effort to pull her closer. That's when I feel her tense and pull away. Shit.
''Whoa there, tiger!"
She takes a slight step back but stays within my embrace and I respectfully move my hands to cradle her hips.
"As I was saying, I also think we need to discuss what 'giving this a go' is going to look like." She raises her hands to cup my face. "I feel it too Christian and that's part of the reason why I'm willing to give this a shot but I think we need to explore the idea of being a couple first and restrict our outbursts of passion to a level that's less intense."
My lust fogged brain was warring with her logic of taking small steps together. My confusion must have been evident on my face.
"I'm not sure what that look you're giving me means, but if I had to guess you're either confused or constipated?"
I burst out in a bout of laughter expelling the last vestiges of anxiety and intense desire. She once again diffuses any discomfort bringing levity to the situation. God she's perfect. I bring her in for one more long hug tucking my face into her neck inhaling her calming scent before I let her go. Clasping her hand in mine I lead us out of my cabin because being in here makes me want to do things that would not be conducive to a proper parlay.
Moving us to the sitting area on-deck gives me the time to calm my libido and cool my ardour, not that that is too far away. When I'm around Ana my dick acts like a fucking weathervane pointing in her direction all the fucking time. Dominant, in control of my desires, yah right. Around Ana, I think my dick missed that memo. Once we've settled, I take both of her hands in mine basking in happiness that she's allowing me to do this naturally.
"Please know that I hold a great level of respect for you Ana. I want that to be clear despite what certain parts of my anatomy may suggest. I'm sorry if I got too carried away back there, but you don't know how incredibly happy I feel right now." lowering my head down slightly I continue shyly, "I also want to thank you. I know I've got a lot of work ahead of me to prove my resolve so…just…just, thank you."
She raises one of her hands to tilt my face back up so our eyes connect then like a dream she slowly leans in giving me a gentle kiss in response to my sincerity. It's such a beautiful act of kindness that I can't help but beam a full, pure joy-filled smile.
"I know this," her fore finger playing back and forth between the two of us, "is new to you and you're going to have to rewire your brain. To be completely fair, I've not had many relationship experiences either, so it's safe to say we're both exploring uncharted territory. It's a given that we are very attracted to each other, but I do think it's important to set up some ground rules for the both of us."
"I take it I need to keep my hands from wandering into unwanted territory."
She gives me a broad smile, "See. It's handy with you being all brilliant and all. I get sex is some kind of therapy for you, no more like a workout to relive everyday stress, but you're going to have to find a different outlet. I'm no prude and not adverse to sex but I'm not a glory hole either. I feel it's important for us to get to know each other better and that takes time. We're going to be together for a least a year Christian. We can work at being a couple and make sure we do whatever it takes to make us a priority. The sex part will come naturally as an extension to our relationship, not because of it. I want to know more about who you are. To understand you better. I think you already know I don't care for all the fripperies, as impressive as all those fripperies are, that's not you."
"For the record Ana, you know more about me than any other one person in the world. And yah, we have the contracted year to work on being a real couple but I'm hoping to be together for a lot longer than that. You're it for me so whatever it takes. Right now, I'd like to know more about you, outside of what I already know."
"You mean the information from the background check your father had on me?" Shit. I had forgotten about that. "Yes. I am aware of that."
She doesn't look pissed, thank God, but just in case…
"Actually, I meant outside from what you already shared with me over the past few weeks, but yes there was a background check. I'm sorry if you feel that was an invasion of your privacy, but Dad…Carrick…" my words are tumbling out of my mouth trying to explain.
"I get it Christian. Carrick's limited knowledge of me came from my father and that information is biased. Considering what he had in plan for you/ us, I understand his intent and like I said from the start, I have nothing to hide."
"Unlike me."
She snorts. "Darlin' compared to me your closet is more like a catacomb of dark secrets. The worst thing I think I ever did was mix Ex-lax into one of daddy's irritating diva models latte. That got her running. No pun intended. She was a major bitch by the way, so the only thing I feel sorry about is the fact that she made it to the bathroom and didn't shit her pants then and there." I can almost picture a prankster Ana doing it too.
"But, given your recent sharing I completely understand your need for privacy. I won't push you to share. That'll come in its own time if and when you're ready. Just know that I will listen. I may not know what to say, but I can guarantee I'll be there for you. That's what friends do."
"I like the sound of that. Friends. I don't think I had a friend before, but I'd like to be more than just a friend to you." I contemplate on that for a minute before I bring up the elephant in the room. "Ana, I want you to understand that while sex plays an essential part of who I define myself to be, through your eyes I'm learning to understand myself differently. I'm redefining myself. I may get carried away and act out of instinct and habit, but don't fault me for it. I'm a red-blooded male and you are…well, let's just say keeping my desire for you to a mere simmer will be challenging. I'm hoping you can be the stronger more sensible voice of reason for the both of us. I'll take your cues and promise to be good. Scouts honour."
"You were a scout?"
"For like a week. I got kicked out because some asshole thought he could bully me into a shit task."
"What was the task?"
"He was trying to make me gather kindling in the forest for the campfire. I don't like being told what to do from assholes who think they can power over the little guy."
"What happened?"
"I punched him. Repeatedly. Hey, he grabbed my arm. It was self-defence."
"How old were you?"
"Six or seven."
"Christian Grey" she giggles. "already a force to be reckoned with."
"I just don't like bullies. Speaking of which, what's going on with your company? Why are you getting stonewalled with getting control of it? Did my Dad not get back to you on that? Something feels off. If you let me, I'd like to dig a little bit deeper and get an understanding of the delay. Would it be ok with you if I looked into that for you? I want to help." Her eyebrows shoot straight up to her hairline in surprise. She wasn't expecting any assistance from me and I feel like a complete dick for not thinking about it sooner. I am a selfish prick. "I want what's important to you to be important to me."
She giggles her face turning a slight shade of pink, "are you sure you've never done this romantic stuff before Grey because you're doing a pretty job so far. Either that or you've really given this relationship thing a lot of thought. But hold your horses on unleashing your hounds on Pierce, you grandfather is already on in and I've been told he is the best when it comes to those kind of trouble. And more importantly he will do all legally. "
"Now tell me, how did you became such a romantic basically overnight."
I can feel the blush creeping up over my own neck the heat turning my cheeks red. I try to shrug it off manly like. "I've been doing some research."
"Research." I can tell she's trying to hold back her laugh because her eyes are twinkling and she's squishing her lips together so hard they're almost white.
"Yah. Okay. Fuck it! This is so embarrassing. I googled the Top 10 Most Romantic Movies."
Oh Christ. I don't think I've ever felt so self-conscious in all my life. Come to think of it, I've never felt this mortified about anything before.
"uh-hum." Now, she's biting down on the inside of her cheek to prevent the corners of her mouth from lifting up. She's really struggling to keep her mirth all inside. "So, what came up for you?"
"You're a cruel woman Anastasia."
And that's it. She loses it doubling over in uncontrollable and I can't help but chuckle myself even though I'm as embarrassed as all fuck.
Everything took off from there. We spent the rest of our afternoon talking and laughing and essentially enjoying ourselves. I relished the feeling of just being with another person for no other reason than to share their company. It felt so natural and liberating being with Ana. She's a woman who wants nothing from me other than myself for who I am. That's bloody revolutionary. Is this what I've been missing out on all these years? And if that is the case, then Elena is full of shit. Flynn's going to have a fucking field day when I tell him this.
I actually started a journal. In it is a tallying list of all my new discoveries on Ana. I titled the first page My Woman. Yah. That's right, she's MY woman. She'll totally nail me to the wall if she ever finds out I call her that. I get it. I really do. Ana is not my possession yada, yada, yada. I also know Ana, being an independent woman, may interpret my need to ensure her safety as a way of controlling her, but if I share the depth to that neurosis, she just may forgive me. I don't want to control her per se, but I'll be damned if anything happens to her because I was neglectful. Still, if there's one lesson Ana has taught me these past few days there is a distinct difference between keeping someone safe and trying to completely overtake their life. Perhaps that's a discussion I should have with her so she can better understand my psychosis. The sharing we've had for the past day and half has been inspirational. This is the stuff of Life. I sound like a fucking Hallmark card, but that shit is real.
This morning I discovered that Ana is definitely not a morning person. She was a right terror at 5 a.m. but I took it like a man knowing I played a part in her lack of sleep. We were lounging below deck talking well into the night when she started falling asleep. Instead of putting her to bed I selfishly kept poking her awake asking her to share another memory from her life. I couldn't help it. I was starving for any information she would share with me but, in the end, she got irritated and slapped my hand away with a 'fuck off Grey. I'm tired. Tomorrow. We'll talk more tomorrow.' Sighing, I had put her to bed then sat by her bedside waiting until dawn. I was like a kid sitting by the fireplace on Christmas Eve hoping to hang out with Santa. Share a cookie even. Tomorrow couldn't come fast enough. I'll have to remember to put Grumpy Early Morning Ana onto my journal tonight.
I've got quite a list on her so far. I learnt that Ana loves champagne because the bubbles tickle her nose. Too many bubbles make her sneeze in that cute kitten sort of way. She also has an unusual fondness for bacon. I'm a bacon lover myself, but for Ana it's practically spiritual. Just the smell of bacon gets her all nostalgic with memories of morning breakfasts with her dad. There's apparently only one way to eat bacon. Bacon must always be served so cooked that you can practically make a tee-pee out of it, and one can never make a tee-pee with only 2 slices of bacon. I should text Gail to make us some BLT with egg sandwiches for when we get back to the apartment. Maybe Grumpy Ana won't be so Grumpy.
Fuck. This is unreal. I bought thousands of dollars' worth of stuff for my subs, Elena, mom, and Mia ranging from expensive clothes to cars and Ana gets excited with crispy bacon. This woman is un-fucking-real.
Yesterday Ana tells me over a glass of wine that although she appreciates fashion, she doesn't spend an inordinate amount of time, or money, on clothes. She has a style that is natural and classy which according to my PR team most women admire. Lately she's being hounded by many haute couture designers but Ana, unlike any of the women I've met, is not enthusiastic about donning their style.
I'm not keen on the idea of dressing up like some kind of cake topping. I enjoy eating desserts not looking like one. If I could get away with it, I'd prefer to sit in a cosy hoodie with yoga pants all day. Besides I like to support young local crafters, like with the blue dress I wore to the gallery. It was nothing for me, but after that night the young designer is now recognised.
I've never met a more low-key woman in all my life. Ana is the type of person who enjoys lying in bed for as long as possible hopping out of bed only when absolutely necessary, like getting ready for her day. She abhors wasting time on dolling herself up.
Her morning ablution ritual is the male 5-minute equivalent of shit, shower, and shave except in her case it's more pee, wash and put a brush through her hair. She doesn't like a lot of makeup, not that she needs it, or spend too much time on her hair, which is why she keeps it long. I always thought short hair was less work, but what the fuck do I know. I prefer long anyway, so that works.
And get this. I also found out that Ana's idea of the perfect first date consists of wings and a game. Live, preferably, but the tube will do in a pinch. This absolutely floored be because, I shit you not, most of my research on the best first date included a high-class function with an expensive dinner. Neither of which would have affected me now, but Ana is the complete opposite of what Elliot told me back in our teenage youth.
Don't' do it Christian. Don't hitch yourself to one girl because once they've hooked you into that 'special friend' category something shifts in their brains. I'm not sure if it's hormonal or maybe they're just wired that way, I have no idea. All I know is that once you get a girlfriend there's a whole shit of psychotic expectations put on you. They're bloody expensive Christian. It's not worth it buddy. Fuck and Duck. Trust me.
Wait until I tell Elliot this, he's going to shit his pants.
Right now, I'm sitting in the backseat of the car looking down at my lovely fiancé who is still half asleep tucked neatly to my side all snuggled up against me. One of her arms is tucked against my side while the other rests in my lap her hand in my hand. One of her last coherent comments to me last night before she started nodding off was,
''How I envision this relationship going forward is for us not to be just Ana and Christian. When I said I want equal footing I mean, (and I want you to understand the severity of what I'm saying Christian because if you fuck this up we are truly and absolutely done), I need to put my faith and trust in you. It's reciprocal. No more secrets. No more hidden agendas. From now we're partners you and me. The two of us against whatever life throws at us: Together.''
Together. I've never had nor desired a 'together' with anyone. That's not my M.O, but for Ana I can do 'together'. My body is telling me how tired is from lack of sleep, but I just can't shut my brain down I'm just so fucking happy. I'm as perky as a fresh pot of coffee and feeling so alive and ecstatic I could shit unicorns and rainbows. I snug my arm tighter around my girl pulling her closer to me with her head resting peacefully against my chest. Together. Yup. That sounds about right.
I hope that was a good insight on the dynamics between our favourite couple. You just can't help by love that lost little boy in Mr. Grey.
