I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.
"You okay?"
I watched as a myriad of emotions played on Pony's face, and all I could do was put a firm hand on his shoulder to help keep him grounded. He was nervous—scared over Soda, and I couldn't blame him really, but I needed him steady.
He nodded with a shrug, and my chest pulled at the gesture, reminding me that for as much physical pain as my baby brother was able to endure, he had a breaking point and that would always be Sodapop.
I leaned down to brush his hair back from his forehead before planting a reassuring kiss there.
"It's gonna be okay."
Our guests looked around awkwardly, and I shot an apologetic smile Bradley's way, but he just smiled back as if to tell me everything was alright. I knew I'd have my hands full, but it helped to know I wasn't alone.
"Alright, pumpkin. What'll it be?" Beth stepped away from the stove to give Pony a quick hug from behind where he was seated, and the usual peck on the cheek that made my brother red as a rose.
"T-toast?" Pony stuttered as he rubbed his cheek embarrassed, while everyone bit their own cheeks to keep from snickering.
"Toast? No egg, sweetheart? Come on Ponyboy, you need to keep your strength up. At least have some bacon?" Beth pushed.
"N-no thank you. Some peanut butter though?"
"Of course, love." Beth left my brother to busy herself with making him toast and peanut butter, and he looked up at me beet red with a guilty look on his face.
I smiled and nodded, letting Pony know it was alright—that it was okay to have Beth dote on him. Beth loved my brothers like they were her own; it was no secret and she made a point of showing Ponyboy every day how important he was to her. On the flip side, in spite of Ponyboy's strength, a part of him remained delicate, and I knew what it cost him to lose mom when he was so young. Beth was the perfect fit in our motley family. She added something that'd been missing for a long time.
It was then that Sodapop shuffled his way into the kitchen wearing nothing but his t-shirt and boxers. I knit my eyebrows together as I eyed him curiously—half nervous he was about to make another scene in front of our new lineup of friends, but he only edged closer to press his mouth up against my ear while his right hand gave my shoulder a squeeze.
"I'm sorry, Darry." He whispered before he lay his head on my shoulder and nudged into me.
Nobody could ever resist my brother, and I'd been no different over the years. There was such an honest truth about Sodapop that drew everyone in his path to him. He wasn't afraid of his vulnerability despite growing up in a rough neighbourhood and having some of the toughest guys around as friends. He was the heart of all of us and it truly was a gift, but sometimes that gift was also his curse.
Sodapop gave his love and loyalty freely without question when given the chance. His heart was deep like the ocean, but with that came the occasional hurricane. Loving as deeply as he always had meant that the fall was that much harder, but it never changed him—not after losing our parents, or almost losing Ponyboy. Not war, or losing his best friend since he was little.
My arm moved without my control to pull him in and over so that I could wrap my arms around him, and I felt him melting into me as he absorbed my affection as though he were starved for it, and maybe after everything he'd been through, he was. The thought made me hold onto him tighter.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, and I squeezed him again before gently pushing him away.
"I know y'are, little buddy. I'm not the one you should be sayin' you're sorry to though."
My words were but a breath, and I held Soda's face in my hands when he stepped back to look at me sadly. I nodded my head towards Ponyboy, and I could see his lip tremble before he bit down on it and nodded.
"Lemme go put some clothes on." He spoke softly before turning away and heading down the hall.
"Sit down, babe," Beth pointed towards the table as she readied Pony's toast for him, and another loud gust rattled the house and the lights flickered.
"Anyone hear what the weather's supposed to be like?" Bradley looked on nervously as he took a bite of bacon.
"Rain and wind," Eric nodded.
"Tornado-like winds, or just your regular run-of-the-mill Tulsa storm?" Bradly asked.
"Same thing, isn't it?" Eric took a bite of toast and then looked at Bradley from the corner of his eye with an evil grin.
"Awe man, now why did you have to go and talk like that?" Bradley dropped his fork, and I grinned as Greg and Eric started snickering.
"Afraid of storms?" I asked Bradley curiously as I took a drink of my coffee.
"Not normally but let's face it, the storms in Oklahoma aren't like what I'm used to."
"You ain't from here?"
It was more a statement than a question. I didn't know a lot about Bradley, but his mannerisms and inflections were enough to tell me he was a product of a big city like Chicago or New York.
Bradley shook his head to confirm my suspicions, and I was about to ask him to elaborate when the house shook again and a door slammed making us all jump.
"Christ!" Bradley yelped and I couldn't help but join in on the chuckling that was happening at his expense.
"You alright?" Greg laughed.
Bradley just rolled his eyes before focusing his attention back onto his plate.
"Baby, where's Soda?" Beth asked.
"Gettin' dressed."
"Well, tell him to hurry. His food is ready. Jelly is on the table for him."
I finished my coffee and set the cup on the table before turning around to head towards the boy's room. The door was closed, and I figured it'd slammed shut with the wind gust. I could feel the breeze creeping through to my feet from the space underneath the door, and wondered why Sodapop would have left the window open during a storm.
"Hey little buddy, you ready…"
My voice died out once I'd open the door and found the bedroom empty with the window wide open; the curtains whipping around as the wind tore through. My first instinct was to search the house, but as I neared the window and noticed the rain pouring through and over the pane and down the wall, I knew my brother had taken off.
"Dammit Pepsi-cola," I cursed under my breath as I shut the window and turned on my heel to search the house futilely, knowing he wouldn't be there.
The house was small with not a lot of area to cover, but it still didn't stop me from hoping against hope that the remaining doors I walked past would lead me to my brother. When I made my last circle through the living room into the kitchen, I'm sure the worry was clear on my face.
"What's up, Diganeli?"
Eric was the first to see my expression, and all I could do was look at Beth.
"Honey, what's wrong?"
I shook my head and looked at Ponyboy, who seemed to know right away.
"W-where's Soda, Darry?" He asked nervously.
I didn't want to answer because I didn't know how he'd react, and searching for my brother was the easy and obvious answer, but I didn't know where he'd go. Everyone and everything he knew before going over to Vietnam was over—gone.
Our friends all stood up at once, and started filing for the door before I could even get a word out. I could hear their talk about looking at the hospital for him, and Greg mentioned searching a few hang-outs that he knew Soda liked to go to before being shipped off for basic.
"Darry, can you think of anyplace he'd go?" Greg checked with me.
I could only shake my head. With Steve and Two-Bit gone, I had no clue where Soda would run to. Sandy was in Florida, which left no one.
"Okay, let us look around. Bradley and Eric are checking the hospital while I drive around to a few places. Stay by the phone."
"I will," Beth spoke up, and Greg was out the door.
"Darry," Beth reached for me and my mind was reeling. I couldn't think.
I felt so out of sorts like I needed a kick to the shin to snap me out of my own looming thoughts.
"I need to find him," I hurried out of the kitchen for my bedroom to throw on a few layers for the weather.
I grabbed my boots and jacket and made it to the kitchen where my brother and wife still were.
"Are you okay here?" I eyed Beth, and knew her answer before she nodded. "Please make sure he doesn't get too worked up." I nodded towards Ponyboy and she gave me a sad smile.
"I'll do what I can, but you know I can't make any promises."
"Pony," I reached over to drag my fingers through his hair.
His eyes were glazed with the same worry I'm sure mine held.
"Hang tight while I look around for him. He couldn'ta gotten that far. His shoes are still at the door for cripe's sake." I huffed as I shoved my feet into my boots, sprung up from the chair and took a step to head for the door.
"Steve,"
It was barely a whisper, and I whipped my head around so quick I thought my neck would snap.
"What was that?" I held onto the frame of the opening to where the kitchen met the hallway so that I wouldn't stumble.
"Steve," Ponyboy rasped louder. Sadder. "He misses Steve."
"Of course he does sweetheart, but where would he go?" Beth sat next to Pony and wrapped her arm around him.
"Well, it's him ain't it?" Pony looked up at me. "We buried Steve when we thought it was Soda, right? Right, Darry?"
"Oh my God,"
And I didn't know why it hadn't occurred to me until my brother pointed it out. Maybe because I was so happy and relieved to have Sodapop home, the other details faded away. Maybe because in spite of that joy and relief I was so worried about Sodapop slipping and hurting himself, I wasn't thinking about anything else at all.
"He wouldn't know where to look, would he?" Beth tried, but I shook my head.
Pony and Soda shared everything. If Ponyboy said Soda was out to find Steve, then that's exactly what was happening.
"Pony?"
"I told him about goin' to visit him, mom, and dad everyday with Beth. I told him how much we missed him." Pony cried, and Beth's arm wound around him tighter.
"Then he knows." I answered Beth's question, and any doubts that I may have still had. "I'll be back in a bit."
"Darry?" Ponyboy's voice stopped me from flying out of the kitchen.
I knew what he was going to ask before he got the words out. We promised each other we'd do anything—everything to keep Soda safe.
"Beth, can you grab his jacket for me? We better hustle, little buddy."
Pony just nodded with a barely discernible "thank you."
The wheezing got louder the closer we got to the cemetery, and I looked worriedly over at my youngest brother, making sure he was still with me and not in the midst of one of his episodes. He was pale, but thankfully pink as he clutched at his jacket at his chest; staring at the raindrops as they splattered against the window.
"Baby, I need you to hold it together for me, alright? Do you think you can do that?"
He nodded despite his eyes spilling over as he tried to get control of his breathing but was wheezing all the more from the effort. I reached over and grabbed his hand—tugging gently so he'd slide closer. He looked at me panicked.
"D-Darry, I'm scared!" Pony cried, and I tugged on his arm harder and watched as he slid across the bench seat next to me.
"Listen to me," my arm wrapped around Pony to keep him close. "It's gonna be okay. I didn't come this far to give up on either one of you, you diggin' me?"
Pony's eyes continued to tear, but his breathing settled some; the wheezing practically gone as he nodded. I quickly kissed the side of his head.
"Atta boy. You trust me?" I let my right hand cup his face; pressing it closer to the side of my chest as I turned the car into the cemetery grounds.
"Of course!" Ponyboy sniffed.
I pulled the Dodge up into a parking stall, put it in park but left the engine running as I turned towards Pony and held his face in my hands.
"You're the best, you know that? You're the best of all of us, baby. You always were. And I pushed you hard back before when I thought the worst thing that could happen to you was skipping out on your homework."
I needed Pony to hold it together and wait in the car while I searched for our brother, and I knew that wouldn't sit well with him. He wanted to be there for Soda; to help him through whatever it was that took him from us. He wanted me to be able to depend on him—to feel apart of helping our brother, but I needed to not worry about him while our brother was falling apart.
"S'okay, Darry. I'll only slow ya down. Bring 'im back, 'kay?"
And he looked just like his brother right then as he pulled Soda's mind-reading trick on me. I couldn't help the smile that pulled on my face as I pulled my brother into a fierce hug.
"I love you, you know that right?" I waited to feel him nod against me before I gently pulled away. "Keep the heater on, yeah? That wind is cold."
I slid out of the car and turned back to a visibly nervous Ponyboy. I knew how hard this was on him, but I was so proud of him—he was being strong like always. I gave him a reassuring wink before shutting the door.
"No drag racin' without me 'n Soda, got it little buddy?"
The rain was still falling and he was soaking wet in nothing but the t-shirt and boxers that he'd crawled out of bed in. I wasn't sure if I was happy that nobody was around to witness my brother's turmoil, or hurt that he'd been cold and alone without anyone there to even offer the warmth of cover.
My hands immediately went to the buttons of my jacket as I neared, and I heard the sobs racking him as he sat on his own grave—his one arm wrapped around his knees while he rocked himself back and forth.
"God dammit, Pepsi-cola! Ya ain't even gotta coat on!" Was all I could manage to blurt out as I slowly knelt down at his side and wrapped my jacket around him.
He huffed at first before nodding; shivering from the cold and the rain and maybe realizing that his plan could've used a bit more thought, but I wasn't mad at him. I was worried to death.
"You did it." His teeth rattled as he looked at me, and I wanted to just get the hell out of there and get him someplace warm and dry.
"Did what?" I tightened the jacket around him as though it offered more warmth that way.
"You put me with mom 'n dad."
My heart felt like it stopped when our eyes locked and I could see everything the last half decade had done to him.
"But it ain't you, Soda."
He nodded again as he looked at the tombstone that bared his name, and took an unsteady breath before breaking down again.
"Is it Steve?"
Soda nodded while looking at me with such sorrow, I couldn't help but reach for him. The grass was wet and soaked through the fabric of my jeans, but I could barely care about that as I clung to my brother and felt the unfamiliar emptiness on his left side where his arm should've been, as my arms wound around him from his good side.
I had so many questions for my brother. There were so many things I wanted and needed to know, but I was still weary of pushing him—pushing him away that I was scared to ask any of them.
"He got antsy," Soda's voice shook as he spoke. "Said he had a bad feelin' 'bout the mission. Went on 'n on 'bout it not feelin' right. Thought they were sendin' us out like lambs to slaughter. I told him he was bein' paranoid, but I ain't ever seen him like that before. So I told him to switch tags with me—it'd be like we were one 'n the same. I'd be protecting his neck and he'd be lookin' out for mine."
"Except you were both injured…" I began to put a few pieces of the puzzle together, and Soda nodded.
"I didn't think it through. I didn't think they'd get him. There were so many of 'em. They had us surrounded. I was hoppin' fox hole to fox hole—tryin' to patch the guys up and didn't feel the shot. Didn't know what happened 'til Stevie…Stevie laid into me 'n I noticed the blood. He was grabbin' at my gear to patch me up 'n I ragged on him for tryin' to steal my job. He laughed at me 'n then he went down."
I wasn't even going to pretend or try to act tough for him. My brother had lived through a God awful nightmare, and I sat there unbelieving he could've survived what he had. To me, it sounded like a scene from the old war movies I used to watch until war had been a thing that was too close to home.
"They shot at us again, but he was on top of me…" his voice broke off as he sobbed uncontrollably, and I hauled him half on my lap just so he'd feel how tight I was holding onto him.
"Awe, Pepsi," I choked out; my heart breaking for the loss of Steve, but understanding that Steve had made the decision knowingly.
Steve and I hadn't always seen eye-to-eye on things, but he was a brother to me and there was no denying it. I thought back to how he stood up to help keep Sodapop out of trouble when our parents passed, and how patient and downright gentle he'd been with Ponyboy after his ordeal. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that he'd stepped in the way—laid over Sodapop on purpose to protect him.
"I…I feel like I can't get it right, Darry! I couldn't protect Ponyboy that night when Campbell busted in, and…and n-now with Steve! It's my fault, Darry! It's all my fault!"
"No Soda, it ain't." I spoke calmly despite Soda's anxiety escalating.
"How can you say that? How do you know that?" Soda bawled, and I just ran my fingers through his soaked hair and pulled his head to rest against my shoulder.
"Because I know how much they love you. It ain't your fault, little buddy. Ponyboy made a choice that night," I had to pause as the reality of it all hit me. "He made the choice to put his life down on the line to protect you, and Steve was doing the same thing."
"No! No, it was my job!" Soda yelled out as he fell into me harder.
"No it wasn't baby, and you gotta honour both of them by respecting their choice."
Soda popped his head up to look at me, and the look of utter devastation and sadness made my chest ache.
"You got a baby boy Pepsi, and Ponyboy…do you think for one second that Steve wasn't gonna do everything in his power to protect you? To make sure you made it home? And that night—do you think Pony would be any different? Sodapop, they've been on your heels all their lives. They adore you. Honour them. Respect their choice, Soda."
"But it hurts so bad, Darry!"
Soda broke down again, and though his suffering was palpable, I felt like we'd made progress. Sodapop let me in and we were able to talk about losing Steve without him shutting down or pushing me away, and I prayed that it helped.
"I know, baby. I know you're hurtin' bad and it's gonna be a real long time 'til you feel right again. But I'm here with you every step of the way. If you gotta cry, or if you gotta scream. Hell, if you gotta throw a punch, I'm here to take it. Ponyboy is here for you too. You're not alone, Pepsi. We got your back."
I felt him nod as the rain continued, and I wanted to get Soda out of the wet and the cold. It took some maneuvering, but I managed to lift my brother and head for the car. His body was vibrating so badly, but he didn't protest being handled like a little kid.
He was heavy and I felt my left leg complain, but I breathed through it and carefully made it to the car. Ponyboy saw us right away, and had the passenger door open and was ready to hop out of the car.
"S'okay buddy, just scoot over alright?"
Pony nodded nervously as he moved to the center of the seat, and I set Sodapop down on his feet, but kept a firm hold of him until he was next to his brother in the warmth of the car.
I hurried to the driver's side, and could hear Pony yelling before I took my own refuge from the wind and the rain; wanting nothing more than to high-tail it out of there and get my brothers to the safety and comfort of home.
"You said you wouldn't leave me, Soda! You lied! Why do you keep lyin' to me?" Pony's voice rasped as he shoved weakly at his brother while his brother was trying to grab onto him.
"I didn't leave ya. Was just here to take a look. I'm here. I ain't leavin' ya, Pone. I ain't gonna leave ya." Soda's teeth were rattling as he shivered.
"Soda!"
Pony seemed to realize the state our brother was in, and started to shrug out if his coat while I cranked the heater up to high. He tore weakly at my now-wet jacket that I wrapped Soda in, and draped his own coat over our brother.
"You're practically naked." Pony blushed as he got a better look at the state of our brother, and Soda just smiled.
"Get over here and hug me already. I'm freezin' my nuts off." Soda moaned.
Ponyboy curled himself into his brother—his arms disappearing underneath the coat as he let his arms wind around his brother's torso. He tucked his face into Soda's neck, and I watched how Soda completely relaxed and rested his cheek against Ponyboy's hair.
"I'm so sorry, Pony. I-I had no right to say what I said to that guy. It was mean, and I'm so sorry." Soda spoke with chattering teeth.
"I know you didn't mean it. I forgive you, just don't disappear. Please? Don't disappear, Soda. I can't do it again. I can't!" Pony started to cry.
"No disappearing. I promise ya, honey. No disappearing."
