Chapter 4: Teardrops
January 22nd. 05:07 PM.
(Hospital. Patient's Room.)
[Miho]
"Mom, are you really okay?" Takeru grabbed my hand tightly, his gaze darkened and shaky.
"Yes, don't worry. I only need some more time to rest." I stroke his head slowly, feeling his warmth.
I am so thankful to Haruna-san… If not for her, I don't know what would have been of you, Takeru. His lips twist, he lays his head on my arm.
"Then, when will you come back home?"
"…Mom has to be careful. I don't want to end up sick again. So, you be a good boy and behave well, yes?"
"Yes, I know."
We stay like that in silence for a moment, me petting his head, he hugging my arm. I slowly exhale, feeling the faintness of the tip of my fingers. For one last time… Let me feel his warmth, let me see Mom in his gaze.
"…Takeru, come on." I say and he looks up. "You have to go back home, don't you?"
"No, I'm staying with you until you get better." He pouts at me, Mom's stubbornness in his gaze.
"You can't do that." I ruffle his hair once more, going down to his cheek slowly. "You have to go to school and study. You promised me you'd do well in school, remember?"
"Uuh… But-"
"Now, now…" I place a finger on his lips, smiling. "Mom might have to stay in the hospital for a while longer… And I might need to go somewhere for some time." Foolish as it might be, I just can't bring myself to tell him I will die.
I'm sure he will understand once he grows, time will heal his heart. But I fear he will suffer much from this truth, that I will never be by his side again. He doesn't need to know now, there is no need to make this worse.
"Where? Where will you go?"
"You don't worry about it. Takeru, promise me you'll be good and that you'll study much, okay?" He nods, not letting go of my arm.
I know he isn't that smart, but still, I can't help but to hope he somehow manages to be spared from this awful war. Even more considering Kageyuki is in the Guard now, Takeru might end up enlisted in their ranks. I shudder to think what harsh conditions he'll have to face considering his attitude.
I hug him, bringing him close to me. If one wish could be granted to me, I would like for this moment to be eternal. The calmness of having him in my arms, I could nod off right now. Despite how cold I've been feeling as of late, despite how hard it gets to breathe sometimes, all of that is gone. As if a warm blanket was now covering me, as if I was suspended in between cotton.
"Promise Mom you'll stay smiling, okay Takeru?"
"Yes, I will. But when are you coming home?"
"…You don't worry about that. You study hard and do your best. You now have a lot of friends with you, right?" I keep ruffling his hair, taking a moment to look into his eyes again. "Keep being a good boy and getting along with them, yes? And no more fighting. Don't give Dad any more trouble while I'm gone."
"But the other boys are-"
"If you're bad, I will get really angry when I go back home." I fake a pout, pulling one of his cheeks softly. "So, be nice from now on even to those you don't like too much. The samurai don't like people that are mean, you know."
"So if I'm good you'll come back faster?"
"…Maybe. I'm sure things have been rough while I was gone, but you need to keep doing your best. Remember to be nice to your friends and Sumika, and always listen to what Dad says, okay?" He nods. "And what do you have to say when someone is nice to you?"
"…Thank you very much." He says, puffing his cheeks. It's the only thing I managed to teach him to make him be polite… Thankfully he hasn't forgotten it.
"Yes, that's right. So, remember to show thankfulness when you receive help, okay?" He nods and I pet his head.
"But can't I give hugs to the people I like when I'm thankful?" He asks, tilting his head.
"Hmm… You can, but only to those you really like." I never thought Kageyuki's words would make him start giving hugs so often. I only hope he realizes he doesn't have to do that all the time.
"Okay, I'll do that then."
"That's good to hear." I again bring him to me, hugging him as I ruffle his hair. "You keep being a good boy, Takeru."
"Takeru, it's time." Kageyuki entered the room again and got closer to the bed. "Mom has to go for another checkup."
"Eh? But…" He looked up at me, his hands tightening around me.
"Don't worry about me, Takeru. It's getting late, you have to go to school tomorrow, right? What did you promise me?"
"…I know." He slowly lets go, then he gets closer and gives me a kiss on my cheek. "Get better soon, Mom." I ruffle his hair one last time, and give him one last kiss on his forehead.
"Yes… Goodbye, Takeru."
"It's not 'Goodbye', it's 'See you later'." He narrowed his eyes at me, bitter as when I made him do his history homework.
"Yes, that's right…" I lick the inside of my lips, a tremor spreading on my chest and not because of my sickness. I know I shouldn't, but I do not want to tell him the truth. This must be how a flower feels as the last of it's petals is plucked away, it feels as if my body was pierced by many hooks. All of them pulling at me in different directions, I can barely keep my smile up when I returned his gaze. "See you later, Takeru." He smiles and gives me one last hug. Then, he released himself and went to Kageyuki's side, who directed Takeru towards a nurse.
After our son left the room, Kageyuki sat down near the bed. No longer having to lie, he grimaced and let his shoulders fall off like a rock slide.
"…Why do you not want to tell him, Miho?" His voice barely reached my ears, almost as if he were the one being hospitalized.
"Can you allow me one last selfish wish? I don't think it will do Takeru good to learn of death now of all times. Once he grows up, I'm sure he'll understand."
"He isn't a little kid anymore."
"But I don't want to have him hurting because of this. Takeru is too attached to me, and you have to stay in the Guard." His brows lowered, the space between them disappearing. "Just give him some time. I don't want him to be as sad as he was when I came back after I was in Yao's hospital for a few days. Can you do that for me, Kage?"
He takes some breaths, running a hand over his face. Shaking his head a bit, he rests his arms on his knees.
"If that's what you want, I'll do it. Though, I still think I should quit the Guard."
"The laws say you have to keep serving, so even if you somehow managed to find a job at Hakuryo Base you will end up being scorned as a traitor. No more of this, Kage. You have to-"
"Sorry… If only I had taken you to Yokohama sooner…" His gaze sinks, I hear a few muffled sobs coming from him.
"Kage… Kage, please…" I reach out to him and he gently grasps my hand, moving his chair closer. No longer hiding his tears, he brings my hand to his face and gives it soft kisses.
"Sorry… Sorry…"
"There's nothing to apologize for, Kageyuki. You always did all you could for me, even when I didn't have anything to properly repay you."
"Don't be stupid… I love you, and I don't regret anything I've done." His tone got a bit louder, muddled by the tears. "You and Takeru are my happiness, I wouldn't trade you two for anything in this world. I don't care if I could have been spared from the war of if I would have gotten rich if I stayed with my parents, I don't regret anything. Expect for not having a helper in the house, or moving to Hiiragi faster."
"Then don't apologize. Let us say goodbye with a smile on our faces, Kage."
"…I don't think I can do that, Miho."
I move a bit, enough to put my arms around his back. Letting his scent fill my nose again, planting a kiss on the side of his neck, I simply let time pass as I enjoy his closeness.
"Kage, the doctors said it will happen soon. I can feel it too, it's getting harder to breathe every day, the pain is becoming too much when it appears. There will be no miracle."
"I know… I know…" His hands grasp me tenderly, as if I were an injured pigeon. "But I'm scared. How will I take care of Takeru? How can I keep fighting with all I've got if you're not there for him?" His voice creaked like ice during the last days of winter, his hands trembling as he grabbed my back.
"…Can't you talk with your parents again?"
"You know it. Last time we talked they screamed at me as soon as I mentioned having them visit you in Osaka."
"I see… Can't you ask anyone to look after him?" That is the only regret I have left. If Kage is sent to fight and dies, Takeru will be left alone. And in this day and age… That means a life full of suffering every single day.
"I don't know. I can't bother Koetsu with all he's dealing with now, and I don't know if he'll be in a position to take care of a kid when I'm called to fight."
"Last time you said something about Koubuin-sama offering his help to you. What happened with that?"
"Oh, that." Kage breaks the embrace to face me, wiping his tears away, some staining his black suit. "Takahisa-sama again insisted that he would look after Takeru if I were to die, but frankly I doubt he's being serious."
"Is he someone that tends to lie often?"
"No, all the contrary. I just don't see why he would go so far. He only wants me in the squad for these trials, he's just trying to make me calm down."
"Kage, stop being so negative. Takeru sometimes gets like this too. Why can't you accept that he might value you much? Didn't you say he insisted on having you in his own squad of the Osaka Guards?"
"I mean, yeah… But I just… Considering how both Tsukuyomi brothers think, how much they value their honor, standing and image, I doubt they'll let him help Takeru. At least, I don't think they'll save him from the orphanage."
"Sigh… But they said they would help him, right?" I grab his face and force him to look at me, with those eyes now clouded and reddening.
"…Yes, that's what he said. That he'll extend a hand to him, that he'll make sure Takeru is safe in thanks for my services as his fellow."
"…Then, that's enough for me." I know Kage can be too dense, especially when he gets down. If a noble said that, they wouldn't be lying. Takeru will be safe… I sigh, lying down again. I feel as if I was just released from a heavy chain on my back, like when I bring a lot of bags from the super. The weight that was crushing me is gone, nothing but a gentle, relaxing breeze spreading on me.
"Are you okay, Miho?"
"Yes… I'm fine now. Don't worry, Kage."
"Sigh… So… You think it'll happen soon?"
"Yes, I can feel it. Kage, don't look so sad please." I raise a hand again, he leans onto the bed and lets me reach his face once more. "All these years… I've been very happy. Even if we were apart most of the time, I am truly grateful for all you've given me. So, please be strong. You still have your job and someone will take care of Takeru."
"It's not going to be the same and you know it." He grasped my hand again, his lips shaking.
I slowly rise and hug him again, feeling his breathing by my ear.
"One of these days, I will leave. Remember when you had to leave for the Training Program and I had to stay behind? You told me everything was going to be fine so long as I remained strong." I can hear his muted sobs as his grip on me tightens slowly. "This time, you'll be the one that has to remain behind. You'll be the one looking after our Takeru, so you have to do my share too."
"…I will. I swear I'll be there for him when he needs me, even if I have to leave my post in a hurry."
"Hehe, you'll get in trouble for that. You and Takeru really can't follow the rules."
"Hahaha… It can't be helped I guess." His laughter mixed with hiccups, he rubbed the back of my head.
"…All I ask is for you to keep your promise. Be careful out there, my love."
"Yeah… I'll do my best to return alive." He breaks the embrace, grabbing my chin. He gives me a soft peck, which turns into a slow, warm kiss. "…You have no idea how much I'll miss you, do you?"
"As much as I've missed you when you were away." I give him another peck, this time on his cheek. "Thanks Kage, for looking at me, for choosing me when I had almost nothing to my name, for always coming back home."
"…No, thank you. Thank you for seeing more than just the son of a wealthy family in me. And for teaching me what a real family was like, Miho." Again, we share a warm kiss as we indulge in one last hug, running our hands on the other's back.
We delayed our separation, we stalled fate for but a fleeting moment. However, every pigeon has to fly away before winter comes. And like how the sun always has to leave, our embrace came to an end.
I wiped his tears, he leaned on my hand. I caressed his cheek, he played with my hair.
"Takeru is waiting."
"I know that." He said. Leaning forward, he gave me a final peck on my lips. Running his hand through my hair as he did, then to my cheek, and finally grasping my chin on his hand. His eyes locked onto mine, they wavered for a second.
When I noticed he wasn't able to move away, I clasped both sides of his face and, with an effort too painful for my heart, I pulled his face away from mine. I smiled at him, and gave him a soft hug. Then, in a small whisper, leaning on his body to speak to his ear, and to hide my tears from him, I said what would end our time together.
"Goodbye, Kageyuki. Thank you darling, for everything."
Unable to say his goodbyes, Kageyuki cried on my shoulder for a minute until he could regain some composure to leave. Between sobs, apologies, and tender words he managed to say it just once. And so, after kissing my hand one last time, he took his leave.
You'll be fine, Kage. You really are stronger than you think. Not all men can be so open about their feelings after all. And knowing Takeru will be in good hands even if something happens to you…
…Means that I can now finally stop worrying. I can leave to Mom's side without fear.
January 28th, 06:22 PM.
(Hiiragi. Graveyard.)
[Native Takeru]
The sun is already going down and it's really, really cold. Dad took me to this place, there are people bringing flowers to these rocks… This is all so weird. But there's something that's even more weird.
"Why does this rock has Mom's name written on it, Dad?" I pulled at his hand, he was looking up so I couldn't see his face.
"You see Takeru…" I could see a tear running down now. Why is he sad? "Mom went on a voyage."
"Huh?"
"She was really sick, you see." His voice sounded like when I got a radio close to the TV once. "So, the doctors said it would be for the best to take her somewhere warm and nice so that she can heal faster."
"But… But why couldn't she wait until summer? Is she coming back soon?"
"Yeah, once she's completely cured she'll come back. It's bad for her to end up in the hospital so often after all."
"But… Why didn't she say anything?" It feels as if something was poking my chest right now. Like when those mean boys at Yao threw small pebbles at me once.
"Well, the boat was going to leave soon."
"…Can we call her then?"
"No, she's… We should let her spend her time alone." Dad rubbed his eyes and crouched by my side. "So, we have to wait for her patiently, okay?"
"Okay… But where did she go? Did she go with Grandma?"
"Grandma?"
"Yes, Mom said Grandma went on a voyage once, but then she always said she was too far away for our calls to reach her." Dad's lips move weirdly as he pats my head.
"Yes… Yes, that's right. Mom went with Grandma, so you don't worry about it. Let's wait together until she comes back." He then grabbed me and hugged me really, really tight.
"Dad… Mom didn't leave forever, right?"
"…Of course not, Takeru."
"Then, why are you crying? Why did she leave so soon without telling us?" His hand ruffles my hair, slowly caressing my head.
"Well, she's going to be away for a long while… Even if she left now, it's going to be alright." He rubbed the back of my head, giving me a kiss on my forehead. "So, you be a good boy until she comes back."
"Then… Where will I stay? Are you coming home, Dad?" His eyes grow smaller.
"…I have to go back to the samurai, sadly. I will be busy with work for a while, but I'll try to come back more often from now on. Haruna-san will be looking after you for a while, so please be patient and don't give her trouble."
"…Really? You'll really come visit more often?" I grab his black dress, he rubs my cheek as he smiles.
"Yes, I'll try to be home more often. Dad will have to hire someone to look after the house while me and Mom are gone, so you're going to have to be nice to this person."
"Hiring?"
"Yeah, someone will have to clean and do stuff in the house. You know, it would get dirty otherwise."
"I see… Is that someone going to stay home?" His eyes grow smaller again, his lips pluck in a weird way for a second.
"I think." He hugs me again as he lifts me off the ground. "Please be patient with Dad, Takeru. I'll do my best to take care of the house." He sounds really sad now.
That's weird. Dad is never sad. He sounds like Mom when Grandma went on a voyage. Mom… Mom didn't leave us. So, why is Dad so sad?
"Yes, I'll be good."
"That's my boy." Dad smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek, then he lowered me to the ground again. "Let's go home, Takeru."
Softly pulling my hand along, we left the weird place. These days I've been staying in a room in Sumika's house, with Haruna-san saying I could stay there until Mom came back.
But now that Mom is on a trip… When will I go back home? Will Dad someday stay with me? Who is this person he'll hire to take care of the house? When will Mom come back?
As we made our way back home, I hugged my sides. I don't like this. Something feels weird… Mom was weird the last time we went to the hospital and Dad was as sad as he's been today. Mom would have told me she was leaving on a trip, she wouldn't have left without telling me. Something is really weird here.
Mom… didn't leave forever, right?
I shivered a little when I thought about that, it felt as if someone gave me a hug after touching snow.
February 5th, 08:16 PM.
(VIP Room. Hotel. Kyoto.)
[Kurechika]
The small room was dimly lit by a small set of lamps, the small circular table between our sofas was adorned by one such lamp atop a small white and olive green mat. The walls of the hotel room were just like the ones one could see on those five-star hotels that sometimes appear on the American channels.
"Trust me on this one, Sakaki. If you lend me your support, we can make big things happen in this country. You come with me, and I bet we can get you a nice position during next elections. With your skills, you might end up as the Prime Minister on the near future." Hoshimori, an old politician wearing a black suit and matching trousers spoke as we finished our coffee.
"It is a most tempting offer." I tap my glasses, resting my cup on the table. "However, what makes you think we have any chance to turn this wheel around? You must know more than I do, and I doubt things are looking pretty from high above. There's also the matter of our adversaries. I am sure you must have heard of Hikami's raising popularity." I entwine my fingers, feeling the coldness of my ring as I do.
Ever since Lyon fell, the war took a turn for the worse. It looks like Africa might fall next if things keep going like this. Saionji-sama also completely overhauled the Fundamental Law of Education last year as the situation in the Eurofront worsened, preparing to further bolster our army with new recruits.
And to make matters even worse, the UN is split between the demands of improving the living conditions of refugees or cutting off certain areas to form better defense lines. I've heard Britain is pressuring the UN to allow the BrArg Army to get deployed to the Arabian Front, and considering that I've heard they wish to use some experimental weapons to boot… The war is soon to turn ugly, rearing it's head at all of us.
And on the inside, our skirmishes are not easy either. Between those who wish the old entitlements to be restored, those who desire the Empire to free itself from the shackles of America to stand by it's side as a partner and not under it as a servant, and those who voice their opposition to that, saying it is for the best for us to remain under their protection, that we should instead further develop our relations with them in all areas, our people have been growing more and more distant.
The common folk seems to look at the nobility with distrust. Their attitude is to blame. They may be the last remnant of our glory of old, they have to act resolute and unwavering to light the fire in every Japanese soul, but sadly, not all nobles follow the same principles. And some people are not pleased with their privileges, many are the ones that have spoken against them in recent years. Some have gone as far as raise their voices at the limos, demanding them to do more for the Empire.
"Hoshimori, I truly don't know what can the Empire do in such a situation. The US has been rolling new TSFs with great speed, and even the Soviets have managed to develop many domestic TSFs of their own. Us, on the other hand, only have the Zuikaku to our name. Our army is made up mostly by F-4 models, we wouldn't be able to make a difference on the war now. Many are the ones that think we should desist on these endeavors of trying to make our industries thrive on their own, instead seeking aid from America. If the situation doesn't change, even if we gain much from this boom in our economy, our people will be divided forever. What do you have in mind to change this situation?" He leans back on his sofa, looking at the ceiling.
"We need to change quite some things, and as far as I know Saionji-sama thinks the same. It seems he found a key to reach his goals, despite losing more and more power every day."
"And how do we play into that? The unrest has been growing for some time, common folk don't see the BETA as a threat for now. To many of our fellows they're a far away problem of the Europeans. I've heard quite a few that believe that they're nothing more than an American ploy to keep intruding on our sovereignty." His eyes narrow briefly before moving his shoulders up and down a few times.
"Well, we know it's not like that, and we have to make sure the worst case scenario doesn't come to pass. What we need is a way to get the UN on our side. Sadly, Saionji-sama's plan to revitalize our army didn't follow through with the expected dates of deployment, so we will be importing some F-15 from America to buy us some time. His Highness negotiated for a truce to the hostilities in exchange for a few favors. The Americans don't want to ruin their relations with us, as much as they dislike our prideful way of doing things." He then laughs quietly as stands up to pour himself some more coffee.
"Some favors?" For Saionji-sama of all people to have resorted to the Americans… What kind of deals have been sealed?
It's true most people now see most foreigners, not just the Americans, quite negatively after all the reforms His Highness did to aid the people and were met with a wild competition by the American companies that do business here. The involvement of the Royal Guard on keeping the peace in many areas has cleared the image some people had of them, but the schism is there.
And Hikami has voiced his opinion a few times, enough that many are starting to openly agree with him and use the same words in their speeches. While Hikami does wish the Empire to stand proud by itself the man does believe we shouldn't antagonize the Americans, instead we should try to sign varied projects with their companies. All to get insight on their technology, this was his approach to convince the right people in the IJA to import another TSF despite the opposition.
I also agree, nothing good will come out of isolating ourselves. However, how can we convince our people that making peace with the foreigners does not equal surrendering our resources to them?
Hoshimori clears his throat after drinking some coffee, and then looks straight at me.
"The Americans asked the Empire to lend a hand to the UN in their efforts to maintain the Far East Frontline. Plans to send a Task Force are being made as we speak. However, The Shogun hasn't surrendered himself to them. We have one ace up our sleeve to turn this around." He smirked, the glint of all the eyes of Orochi rekindled in his eyes.
"And what would that be? All of our current plans seem to lead to a dead end. Europe is in tatters, Africa is doing all it can to stop the BETA, and I believe nobody wants to let the South Americans enter a battlefield ever again now that the rumors of them wanting to deploy some Top Secret weapon have been going around for some time. The deployment of our first domestic TSF has been delayed yet again not so long ago, and we're technically still at war with the Soviets. So, how do we strengthen our position? And, what can we do to help our nation?" His lips curve upwards, looking like he had a Royal Flush and I had decided not to fold.
"It's true that Plans A and B have ran into many obstacles, but we have a fourth plan at the ready."
"A fourth plan?"
"Yes. Sakaki, allow me to tell you something that Saionji-sama always says. The world isn't painted in black and white, even if at times it might look like you're at a crossroad between two choices, you have to look further than what lies beyond your eyes. There is always an alternative road available to you."
The word wasn't lost on me. Fourth… Alternative… Is the Empire going to bid for the hosting of the next plan?!
"And do we… have some groundwork done?"
"Yes, we do. It's still rough, but we're working hard day and night to make a firm proposition. But we are running into a roadblock as of now. A certain nation also wishes to make it's vision into the fourth plan." His squinted eyes as he looked at the decorative flags that were hanged on the wall were full of venom.
The flag of the US, that was what he was looking at. We're going into a diplomatic war with the US for the right to host the next Alternative Plan… Of course, Saionji-sama wouldn't let this chance pass him by, if we manage to convince the UN of this and we succeeded we'll turn this situation upside down. The recognition, the funds, the support we would gain… This is the turning point we as a nation have been waiting for.
"But the fact that you're calling out to me means that things aren't going so smoothly, right?" He nods slowly.
"Indeed. I'm aiming going to run in these years elections, I want to become the next Prime Minister. And when I make it there, I will need support. You have many allies, a good image and are neither too young nor too old. I believe you would make a fine addition to my team. I know our goals coincide in this matter, so that's what I wanted to tell you today."
"I see. But… What are our chances against them? Can we… Do we stand a chance to win the bid?" I entwine my fingers and look at the flag once more. The US would be our biggest ally, regardless of our complex relation. Going against them would leave us in absolute isolation.
"Their plan is… controversial, to say the least." Hoshimori folds his arms, leaning forward. I do the same, and then he continues in a hushed tone. "Europe won't go along with it, the Middle East and the rest of the Asian nations also won't. The Soviets are against it, for obvious reasons. That's where we come in. We can appeal to the European nations, and make a truce with both Canada and Australia. If we sell ourselves as what stands between them and the American plan, they might consider backing off. The lobbying of America has been going strong for some time now, if any other nation goes against the US for the bid… Chances are there will be… certain inconsiderate actions towards them."
Certain… Inconsiderate… Actions, huh? He stops to drink some more coffee, leaning back into the sofa.
"So, if we manage to… dissuade a sector of the Americans into lending us their support, we have a good shot at this. And if the US ever wishes to back-stab us all we have to do is deliver results. America won't be able to go against us if the rest of the nations are backing us within the UN."
"It sounds like we have a… solid foundation done. I have heard nothing of this though." A rumor of this importance would have been kept shut behind a thousand doors, but this sounds as if we were almost ready to place the bid.
"We have a solid groundwork done, indeed. I want you to know that we aren't making castles on the clouds, we have hard data that needs just a bit of polishing to convince the UN's Security Council. But I have overstayed my welcome here. I know this is a sudden proposition, but I want to make this clear. I want you in my cabinet, Sakaki. I know that… you are also a parent, but I do think you would make a fine candidate in the future to replace me. I'll say it again, I want you to be my dolphin Sakaki. I shall be awaiting your answer."
He raises from his sofa and, after sharing a handshake, I open the door and he leaves.
I return to my seat and let out a long sigh. The next Alternative Plan… with us as it's host. This is a one in a lifetime chance, but… am I up to skill? Hoshimori did seem confident in me, and of course I know many people that would be delighted to lend us their support and funds for the campaign. And yet… That would mean us leaving Hiiragi. No, I would be the one leaving. Sigh…
The sound of footsteps brings my gaze upwards. Saeko was standing on the hallway that lead to our room, leaning on the wall. Wearing her night attire with her long brown hair tied up, she took some steps towards me.
"Kurechika, what was that last talk about?"
"Nothing, dear. Just sharing some pleasantries as a way to show friendliness." She crosses her arms and moves to sit in front of me.
"You promised me you would remain as a member of the Congress, that you wouldn't go any higher."
"I know, and this isn't about that."
"Then, what is this about?" She throws an accusing glare at me as her lips tremble a bit.
Of course I can't tell her of the Alternative Plan, but then how do I explain it to her? An arrow pierces my chest as I try to find an answer, and am forced to look away from her eyes.
I promised I'd be more present in the house, that I would put our family before my political career. But now duty is calling for me, Hoshimori needs my help in the Diet. We need to become the host of Alt. IV at all costs, and yet… Am I willing to sacrifice my family to this goal?
No, if we don't make it a reality, we will have a very dark future indeed. What am I compared to our whole population? If my sacrifice serves to water this seed of hope, then I am willing to follow through. So, why are my hands shaking? Why do I feel a shiver on my back? Why can't I look at her eyes?
"Kurechika… If you… If you go back on your word, I will ask for the divorce." My throat tightens at her words as my gaze digs itself into the floor. "You said we'd make this work, you told me you would help me so that I could keep working. I can't be the only one trying to make this boat sail."
I gulp and run a hand over my hair. I can't tell her no matter what, so I don't really have a justification if I decide to accompany Hoshimori besides platitudes. Seeing I was keeping quiet, she let out a long, heavy sigh. Shaking her head, she locked her eyes onto mine.
"So, give me a clear answer Kurechika. Are you going to commit to our relationship? Or, does this end here?" The blades on her words made a gash on my ears and an even bigger one on my heart.
"Look, Saeko. This isn't… This time it's different. The scene has changed and we must react accordingly. I am only pledging my support to what I believe is our most tangible solution to our current dilemmas." Her frown turns into a scowl as she now clearly bites her lower lips.
"Kurechika, do you think you can dissuade me with pretty words? Are you going to run for the Parliament or the Diet? Yes or no?"
"I… I don't know yet."
"Don't lie to me!" She hit the table, letting me see her gritting teeth. "I'm always alone back home, you always come back late into the night. All I asked of you was one day, for you to stay home with us one day."
"Saeko, please. I've been doing what I can to support our relation."
"Oh, really? Where were you during Chizuru's last birthday?"
"The session extended for over ten hours, I couldn't-"
"And where were you from then on? You don't even ask me how I'm doing as of late. It's as if you didn't even care anymore about us." She narrowed her eyes at me, her tone littered to the brim with gasoline. She was holding a match in her hand, ready to explode at me any second.
"I always come back as tired as you do. And I bring dinner home half the time."
"You think that is enough? You haven't kissed me in months, you don't spend time with Chizuru at all, you barely even talk with me. And now this… What's next? You're going to brag about coming home once a month?"
"Sigh… What? You need to vent this at me now? You knew we were coming for a meeting, I told you I would discuss important matters with my fellows."
"I've been saying this for months, MONTHS now, Kurechika! Looks like someone isn't even paying attention at his wife's words." She runs a hand over her forehead. "If you won't start doing meaningful things for our relationship, then have the balls to tell me it's over!" Her words pike at my heart. Feeling a vile taste fill my mouth, I cross my arms and furrow my brows at her.
"I have been doing many things for us! I cut my meetings short, I lost many opportunities to scale the inner ranks and forge many connections. I come home after nine, when the sessions don't extend past midnight that is, I am as tired as you are. Why can't you see all I'm doing for you two, Saeko?" Some of my words tainted by Chin poison, I glare at her.
"Oh, so now I'M the one who doesn't see your good deeds? It's my fault now that things are the way they are?" Her scowl grew larger, Mezuki incarnate in her gaze.
"No! God… Why are you being like this? I stay home during weekends, don't I?"
"Sleeping! You barely help with the chores, you barely spend time with Chizuru, you're always on the phone, and we always have to eat what YOU like!"
"Again with this? I told you I don't like tonkotsu sauce."
"Well, you could try it once. Like I've tried everything you wanted me to! But no, it's always the same with you. So, what comes next? You're running for the Diet? Is that it?"
"…I was offered that, yes, it's true. And things are different, this time I have to think it over."
"Think it over? So you were planning on accepting…"
"I… No, I was… You're being unfair, Saeko." Fully endowing the poison, my heart maimed by her distrustful gaze, I squint my eyes further.
"Oh, I'm the unfair one now?" She folded her arms, the sting of a hundred snakes filling her words.
"I pay the taxes, I pay the rent, I pay Chizuru's school. I sacrificed many chances to escalate further in my career until now for you two. Yes, I am not a perfect father. But I do what I can."
"You know that's not true. You could spend some more time with us, you could talk with us more, but all you do is worry about your job. I need my husband with me, your daughter needs her father!" I know… Do you think I don't know?!
"And what do you want me to do? I… I can't just not work. My job is as important as you two. Now more than ever, you should already know how this is!" I narrow my eyes at her, she does the same.
"And I'm telling you, I'm tired of this!" Every word slashing at me like the Murasame, cutting my heart wide open with ease. "If you won't try to make this work, just say you don't care about us anymore!"
"How can you say I don't care after all I've done?!"
"You're absent most of the time, and when you're home you barely talk as of late. You do nothing for our relationship. Nothing, Kurechika!"
"I pay for almost everything, I gave you the house you live in now. I supported you how I could, why do you have to be like this when it's about my job?"
"So now I'm the one who isn't supportive, huh?" Again, her scowl grew larger. The monster spawned in her complexion resembled none of those found in our folk tales. A darker, sharper beast with narrowed, watering eyes and gritted fangs. "All I wanted was to have you with us, and even that seems to be too much for you."
"You knew who you were marrying. Don't you dare feign ignorance Saeko. You always knew I was a politician, you knew what kind of path I was on."
"And you promised me you'd be there for me. And look at you now, running for the Diet!" Screaming like a banshee, she pointed a finger at me.
"I have been trying!" I hit the table, returning the scowl. "And I told you, the situation has changed. That's why I have to think this through. Be an adult, Saeko. Screaming over nothing but a doubt… God, how immature can you be." I know you're on your mid twenties, but please… At your age I was already living by myself, working in the town council.
I get up and go pour myself some coffee. I work day and night, I do all I can to be at home for dinner, I reserve my weekends to be there at home so you can rest… And this is what I get? Is this how you repay me after all these years?
"…I am the immature one?" Her voice low, nothing but a barely audible whisper. Her hands extended limply to her sides, fists coiled tightly. Her face, however, remained unchanged, scowl and fangs sharpened further. "How can you say that… How can you say that when you're the one who's never around. You're the one who's constantly shirking his own responsibilities as a father and as a husband!"
"I work all day for my daughter! And for you too!"
"Well, being a parent is more than bringing money to the table. You're completely useless when it comes to everything else!"
Useless… I am not… I am not useless. My fists begin to shake, my brows lower and curve, revealing a hidden Gozuki in my face. I am not inept, I am not useless… How dare you… How dare you spout such insults at me after all I've done for you.
"I am not useless." I take some steps towards her, she holds my gaze unmoving. "I have done all I could, I literally can't cut any more time from my work."
"Oh, sorry mister politician. It looks like nobody told you your wife needs your help to raise your daughter! You never help in anything regarding Chizuru, and I can't do everything by myself while I work every weekday. You don't even realize that isn't enough, that's why you're a useless father Kurechika!" Shut up… Don't you dare call me like that…
"…Well, maybe you would have been able to keep working normally if you hadn't got me drunk that night!"
"What? Are you blaming me for this now?!"
"As if what happened was my fault! You got both of us drunk, that's why I didn't wear protection."
"We were dating for three months and it was my birthday! And you were the one who pushed me into the couch!"
"You invited me over to your apartment, you got undressed as we drank vodka, and you didn't resist when I started caressing you! Don't play victim with me now after all this time, you weren't a little girl anymore!"
"Victim? I'm not playing victim! I'm asking you to do your share as a father, since you're so inept at it. Why did you even form a family with me if you don't want to do your part?!"
"Because maybe I wasn't planning on forming a family with you in the first place!"
"…Eh?" Saeko's face lost color, her stride halted she left her mouth agape.
"Don't give me that face. We were only starting out our relationship, we hadn't seen whether we could live together back then. I did like your hard to approach persona, but we didn't have time to see whether it was real love or not between us. That's why this doesn't work, because we've been winging it this whole time. Neither of us wanted to have Chizuru at that time, you know it." I drink my coffee and sit down back in my sofa. I run a hand on my face, biting my lips. Unable to stop, I spit out one last drop of venom out of me."…And there's no more love between us after all this time, it seems."
There, I said it. Come on, scream at me again. It's always the same as of late. All you do is bitch at me regardless of what I do. When I'm home, because I don't talk much. When I'm not, because I'm absent. When I try to talk, you're tired. When I'm tired, you complain I ignore you two. I'm tired of this stagnant air that fills my house…
Where is that strong, resolute woman I admired so much? The one who used to face me unflinching? Crumbled to dust, it's remnants scattered by the wind. This is the price we pay for being foolish, for being careless.
Sigh… There should have been no reason to get to this point if we had been responsible adults.
"…I do love you."
"Huh?"
Saeko's eye lost all edge and glow, the eternal night of yore mired her complexion now. Hanging her head and holding one of her elbows tightly, all draconian bravery was gone from her voice, nothing but the wails of a small, wounded imp were left in her words.
"…I know you're always busy. I always liked that serious side of you. How you could seize someone with just a gaze, how you could always know how to deal with large groups."
"What is this abou-"
"I do love you, Kurechika. But I can't go on like this anymore." Tears bursted out of her eyes as she held herself tightly. Shivering in place, she sat down again. Words fused with sobs, cheeks tarnished by tears and marked rivers in her complexion. "I know how important your work is, that's why I don't interrupt your calls, that's why I don't bother you at home when you come home late. I know you're working hard everyday, and I am truly thankful for what you do. But I just can't do this anymore."
She sobbed in place, I could no nothing but stare. I have never seen Saeko cry. No words could describe the piercing pain in my chest, I feel as if my tongue was retreating into my throat, as if I would gulp it down if I lost my focus. I winced at her words, yet I couldn't look away.
"They keep cutting our budget, they keep making us work more and more… I'm exhausted. Last month the army kicked us out of Hakuryo High School because they were going to make a base there. I tried to shield some of our students as they forced us to leave and I got a bruise on my hand… Hic… You didn't even ask me how I got it when you came home that day…" One hand grasps her face, the other rests atop her chest, trying pointlessly to calm it's oscillation.
"You had a bruise? I didn't… I didn't notice…"
"Hic… I always loved you Kurechika. I wouldn't have let you into my house if you were just a pastime to me. But I can't do this anymore…" Now, holding her sides, Saeko looks at me. No sign of the monster from before, a wounded animal trying to reach a source of water, that's what she looked like. "People at school keep telling us to change the curriculum, we're being paid next to nothing while having to work twice as much. I have to get out in a rush to go pick up Chizuru, do all the chores by myself, and when you come home you don't even greet me, you don't even talk… I need you, Kurechika. I need my husband by my side. I can't endure all this by myself…"
She hunched over, hitting the table with her forehead softly, burying her head in between her arms.
"I'm tired of holding out for something, anything. If you simply don't care… Hic… Stop giving me hope that someday you'll start caring. Just be honest with me, Kurechika. Because I… I can't take this… U-Uuuhh…" And then she started crying without any semblance of restrain.
…A whole armory was thrown at my heart. No longer looking for water, Saeko cried in agony. The desolate cries, similar to those of an infant pleading for the mother to arrive. In her case… She was pleading me to notice how she was suffering. A deep crack in a wall being treated with a trebuchet, that was what just happened here. Me being the trebuchet, of course.
I never noticed anything. All I did was focus on my job, on the agreement we had established so long ago.
Saeko was strong, she doesn't need me lending an ear to her worries. She's always so confident, she never asked for advice during our first years together. That's why… I assumed she could take anything, just like how I can take stuff in silence.
She's there, she isn't saying anything so she should be fine.
She always takes care of the chores, she doesn't need help with that.
I don't know anything about teaching and she doesn't like politics, so there's no point in talking of our jobs.
So I never asked how her day was. Since she always took care of her own problems in stride I assumed she was fine, or at least not bothered by it.
…And I screamed at her when she was trying to tell me she needed me by her side, not only physically but in mind as well. She wanted my heart and gaze on her and Chizuru… And I… I…
I stand up, slowly moving towards the door.
"Kurechika?" I don't stop at her call. "Kurechika, where are you going?"
I don't mind her words and slowly go to the door. I need to get some air, I need to clear my head. God… What have I done?
I feel a tug behind me.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry for screaming at you…"
"You don't have to apologize, Saeko. I'm just going to get some air."
"Please!" She hugs me from behind, clawing at my chest. "I'm sorry… I… I'm just tired. Please don't leave me… I wasn't being serious."
"You and I both know you were." And I can't blame you. I deserved every single word you hurled at me, and then some more. You went easy on me, I know you can be more poisonous when you so wish. And you had all the reasons to do so.
"No, I wasn't." I feel something wet on my back, Saeko was still crying. "I won't complain anymore… So please don't leave us." Raindrops filled her words, raining over wetness. What she was holding on released itself as her grip on me tightened. "I can't take care of Chizuru if you leave me… She needs you, Kurechika. I need you… I'm sorry… Hic… I'll keep taking care of the house, I won't complain anymore, I swear." Every word is another knife into my chest. Now I'm the one on the receiving end of the trebuchet. I made Saeko hurt like this, so I shouldn't complain.
But… It's clear she doesn't deserve this. Saeko did nothing to be apologizing to me in this way. I should let her rest and we can talk this out tomorrow before going back home. It's clear as day, this… this relationship is over. Saeko doesn't deserve this.
"I'm going to get some air, Saeko. Let me go."
"…I'm sorry, Kurechika. Please don't leave us… I…" I release myself slowly from her grasp, I hear her hiccups increase.
I grab the doorknob and open the door. Again her hand reaches my arm.
"I love you, I really didn't mean to scream at you. I know…" Her voice trailed off, turning into a distant echo, a fissure dwelling in every word she uttered between sobs. "I know I might not be enough for you, I know I may not have been who you wanted to marry but… Chizuru needs us, both of us. Kurechika, let's… Let's talk this out once more, please?"
"I'll be back in a while." I move away and she doesn't try to stop me. As I close the door, I hear her crying once more.
I make my way to the mini bar. I can't believe it… This time I deserve the word in full force. I am useless. No matter how much I apologize, it won't change what I did, what I said, or how I've been feeling. And considering what's at stake… It might be for the best to end this here.
I took my time, slowly gazing out the window, looking at the Capital from the height of the floor. If I accept Hoshimori's offer, I would have to start living here. Forcing Saeko to either live alone in Hiiragi or quit her job to come to Kyoto… Biting my lips, I realize I can't ask that of her.
As I reach the place, I found someone there besides the bartender. A Royal Guard, one in a black dress with trimmed dark hair, was sitting drinking something.
"Oh…" The man noticed I was staring. "I thought I would be the only one drinking alone at this hour." He smiles wryly. A fellow commoner, huh.
"Forgive me, I was just in need of some air. Bartender, a beer please."
The man opened a can and served me a glass. I drank it slowly, feeling the coldness down my throat.
"Must have been a long day for all of you, huh." The bartender said as he chuckled.
"Yes, the negotiations… were very tiring." Not as much as what just happened to me.
"I didn't have much to do, just watching over the building." The Guard said. He looks worn down, however. His speech is… peculiar for a Royal Guard.
The man in question finished his drink, sighing heavily. His gaze lost in the infinite loop of his cup's rim, cheer shining in his eyes due to it's absence, the Guard's features reflected emotions of anguish as he grimaced slightly, eyes and mouth growing smaller every passing second.
"Did the negotiations not go well for your side, my fellow?" I ask the man, trying to clear my head.
"Huh? Oh, no. I think that went well in the end. What troubles me is… a more personal matter." Unlike the other Guards this man feels… common. Normal. I don't feel that pride, that arrogance some members of the Guard display at all times.
"Love problems?" The bartender asks, the Guard nods. It's as if the night was adamant in not allowing me to run away today.
"I am not the best person to deliver love advice, sadly." I say as I chuckle bitterly, drinking some more beer to clean the taste in my mouth that refused to leave.
"Haha… Love advice is not what I need."
"…Did you already break up?" I couldn't contain my lips. I thought I had seen some resemblance of me in the man, but the way in which his eyes closed, as tightly as a lock in a bank, proved me wrong.
"No… My wife died a few days ago."
"…Sorry, that was insensitive of me."
"No, it's alright. We could say our goodbyes, so it's not like I had anything bottled up…" He gestures for another drink. The bartender serves him what he was drinking and he goes for another sip. "If that's all there was to it, this wouldn't hurt so much."
Seeing the man hold the cup rather strongly as he kept drinking, the bartender leaned on the table.
"What troubles you, my fellow? Was something left unsaid?"
"No, it's…" The Guard sighs, shaking his head a little. "My son was left alone. I can't be with him due to my position in the Guard."
"Do you not have anyone to leave him with?" I ask, to which the man nods.
"Thankfully I do, but that's not the problem. He needs me by his side, and yet here I am. What a useless father I am."
"…I don't think you deserve such a strong word. You are worrying about him, after all." Unlike me, who didn't even think of Chizuru these last few days. So long as she's in good health and scoring good grades… I never truly cared to get closer to her.
"Still…" We both finish our drinks, the man looks up lost in thought. "Back when I joined the Guard, I thought I was ready to die. I thought I could face anything the world threw at me for my family." The passion was apparent in his words and in the way he clenched his free hand. "But I never expected something like this to happen."
I see… If he dies now, his son might end up in an orphanage. Luckily, women are not going to be conscripted into the IJA, or so it seems for now. Even so, I can buy Saeko and Chizuru an exemption draft with some effort. They will never be dragged into that side of the war.
"If I'm not by his side, how will he be at ease after all this?"
"Even if you're not there, you can talk with him if he's not too young." I say, tapping my glasses. "A parent has to do what he has to for his child, doesn't he?"
"Yes, I agree. However… My absence will hurt him more than anything else." The man's words piked at my heart. "The feeling of being left behind will leave a scar in him that no time will ever heal. He needs me there, and I am here."
Being… left behind? Ending up abandoned, ignored by those you love when you're in pain… Saeko, is this how you felt all this time?
"You can ask for some leave time, right?" The bartender asked.
"I already have, these months will be full of activity so I can't take any time off."
Yes, the testing against the Kagerou are soon to come. Such a saddening state of affairs… He seems to truly value his child, yet he cannot be with him. I, on the other hand, have neglected my daughter while having the chance to spend my time with her. And now… it might be too late for me.
"I won't be able to face Miho if anything happens to him while I'm not there."
"I believe you shouldn't punish yourself needlessly." I say, leaning my arms onto the table. "You do what you can, that's… how it is sometimes."
"That might be so, but it isn't enough. If his future is crying, it's up to me to make it a smile." Huh? If his future… What an odd phrase. Yet… Some of it resonated like a scream in a cave in me. "And yet here I am, drinking in a bar while he's probably sleeping alone."
"I agree with the man here, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself." The bartender said. "All of us have had to make conflicting decisions sometimes."
"Yes, that's true." I say, rubbing my forehead. "I believe your wife wouldn't blame you for this, not with how strongly you feel about it."
"…Thanks. Sigh… I do wonder if I'll ever be able to move on from this." His gaze sinks again into the cup, his shoulders descending like snow.
"Were you two in love?"
"Yes, she was all I ever wanted. She made me feel cherished for the first time in my life, she didn't like me because of who I was or what I had. And now… There are words and jokes I will never be able to say again. There's food I'll never have again, there are things I won't be able to do for anyone else, things no one else but her would appreciate. She's gone… And I wasn't ready to be the one left behind."
The man was valiant enough to pour out his heart raw in words. I wouldn't be able to do that, not in a hundred years. To lose that closeness forever… To lose your partner, to be forever forbidden from saying and doing things one enjoyed…
Beep!
"Oh, seems like I'm being called back. Sigh…" The Guard slowly stood up. "Sorry, I didn't meant to dump my troubles onto you two." He bowed to us, grimacing again.
"No, a bartender's job is to hear the customer's woes too."
"It was a surprise to see a Royal Guard in such honest fashion. Don't apologize, you've done no wrong. Your heart is in the right place, my fellow."
"I see… Thanks, really." He pays up his due, and leaves after a short, polite bow.
"Another beer, please."
My cup is filled and again I drink. I close my eyes, going back to those days. When I was but a fresh member of the local council.
Back then… Back then I only saw Saeko as a sort of prize, of prey. She was very prideful and snarky on the meeting I met her while I was working on Hiiragi.
I thought she was too prideful and I wanted to prove her wrong. I wanted to show her our position was the right one. Eventually, somehow, that turned into me wanting to… well, fuck her. I wanted to wipe that smirk of her face, to see her flushed face in embarrassment as she undressed for me.
Sigh… I do not envy my younger self's motives to do things.
The more she rejected me, the more I desired to bring her down to all fours. I wanted to make her admit I was right, to see her admit defeat. It was a power struggle on both sides, she did tell me she wanted to make me acknowledge her position in front of the rest of my colleagues, that's why she put up with me at the time.
Of course, she had no sex in her mind. I was too prideful back then, I only saw her as a meat bag to bed, an adversary to defeat. Her words had no place on my ears, she was just another opponent to surpass, another meat bag to fuck.
…Turns out our literary tastes were similar. I once ran into her in the library, and we tried to outsmart the other with our knowledge. From time to time, we met up there by coincidence and I found myself enjoying our talks. Instead of confronting her or trying to seduce her, I found myself earnestly asking for her opinion and giving her my own, no layer of sarcasm or double meanings in my words.
When was it that we started hanging out to talk about books? Our discussions about the teaching politics she was pushing became smoother, we could debate without the other snapping, without her making any snarky remarks, without me making any sexual comments or dismissing her opinion.
…I don't even remember how that matter of the school policies was resolved in the end. All I know is that we kept 'running into each other' in the library, and ended up talking about books for a while.
…Eventually, I realized I wanted her. Not like before. Well, I still desired her, but not in… that way only. I wanted her to accept me, not to force her to knee. I wanted to see her smile more, not just to use her to satisfy my own urges. I began to like Saeko, to earnestly like her company.
It almost feels like a time lost to me so long ago. As if the river were we once stood was eroded and now a cliff was in it's place. I don't think I was being serious back then. I wasn't thinking on marriage, I simply wanted to be with her, to enjoy our time together.
It took some mutual effort for both of us to come out of our masks, after a year of… not dating but dating, of meeting up to talk about books and then going to eat together. We both had different views on how to tend to the house, on how to deal with life. I admired her resolute way of dealing with her problems, but I thought that… maybe she wasn't the right one for me.
She wouldn't be able to live by my side if I were to continue on the path I was at the time. We both tried to make it work during those months, it wasn't bad. I did have my doubts on whether I wanted to go further with her, but all of that went out the window… when she told me she was pregnant.
I pay the bill and go back to my room, slowly walking on the hallways as I gaze outside the windows. The city looks so small, so bright from here.
The first years weren't bad. We made our agreement and worked well under it. Dealing with Chizuru when she was a baby was… a challenge. Waking up midnight wasn't something neither appreciated, but we somehow survived that by clearly establishing who got which days. And me coming home late wasn't bad then, I was still high in adrenaline after the sessions so I could take care of Chizuru, allowing Saeko to rest well.
I supported her so that she could go back to her work as a teacher, she didn't want me to sustain her life. I liked her prideful opposition, her determination to not rely on anyone for her own life. So, we formed our new pact. The one we're still using today.
Saeko gave a reason to look forward to coming home, a reason to not stay overnight in my office. Something besides my work, something that cannot be measured in any kind of value scale. Those first three years… were truly happy ones.
…Things started to get worse once the new education laws became more and more twisted due to the war. Saeko never asked for help and my meetings got longer.
I promised her to be home early, so I had to deal with as much as I could before that. These last years have taken their toll on both of us, and we never tried to talk with the other about work. I thought she was fine, she was always prideful and never asked for help.
In between her sobbing, she said she didn't want to bother me because I was tired, despite how I've been neglecting her these last months. Knowing her, her heart is probably in tatters right now. The profession she so much loves is being bastardized thanks to the needs of the war, her pride smashed to pieces as her hopes of being self sufficient vanish into thin air. She wanted to ask for help, but didn't. Because she held the hope I would notice? Because she wanted me to make the first move? Because she didn't know what to do?
It doesn't matter. I wasn't there for her, that is the truth.
"…If their future is crying… It's up to me to make it a smile, huh."
Now that I think about it… I didn't ask that Guard his name. Damn…
The man had his heart in the right place. If I leave her alone… What will Saeko do under the pressure? She knows she can't take care of Chizuru with her salary alone, if I leave her… even if it is for the good of the Empire…
There has to be a way for me to help Hoshimori while remaining with her. It's the least I can do. If… If anything happened to her, and Chizuru ended up alone like that Guard's boy…
"You're just a useless idiot! You'll never get anywhere in life, you dumbass. Now shut up and go get me another beer!"
My father's words return to me, making me grimace. I run a hand over my cheek, there is no bruise on it now but the sting of the belt is still there. A gash no time will be able to heal, huh?
Saeko made my home a place I wanted to come back to. She and Chizuru… mean the world to me, they truly do.
Regardless of the platitudes I use to excuse myself, I would be abandoning them by accepting the offer I was given. And that… is something I cannot do.
I reach my room and delay my entrance for a moment. I take a deep breath, looking at my hands. Smiling at my foolishness, I exhale through my nose. I then take one step forward and open the door.
Saeko wasn't in sight. I went to our room, a figure was under the sheets. She slowly rose up, looking at me.
"…Welcome back." She said, her tone similar to a tree in winter. Dry, lifeless, dulled.
"Saeko, we… need to talk."
"Yes, we do."
I sit on the edge of the bed, I feel her getting closer. Before I could sort out my thoughts, she wrapped her hands around me.
"I'm sorry. Kurechika, I didn't mean all I said."
"Stop." I grab her hands to prevent her from keep rubbing my chest. "Saeko, you don't have to do this." I turn around to face her, she was shivering slightly.
"I'm really sorry… I shouldn't have screamed at you in that way. Forgive me, please." She lowered her head, her hands together by her waist. She looked up at me, awaiting my answer. The shifting light of a candle battered by wind, that was what her body's movements resembled as she stared at me, with eyes that retained traces of red.
In the past, I would have jumped at the prospect of such a docile Saeko being in front of me. Now, however, I can only reprimand myself for allowing this to happen.
"Saeko, you have nothing to apologize for. I was in the wrong, your worries were fair and your points valid. I have not been doing what I should have as your partner. I'm the one who should apologize."
"Eh? You're not… angry?"
"Not anymore. I was tired and reacted inappropriately. I am the one at fault here. I'm sorry, for leaving you alone all this time." I grab her hands and kiss them softly. "Can you give me another chance, Saeko?"
"…Are you being serious? You're not upset? You won't leave us?" Her quiver made me bite my lips, I pulled her to me and embraced her.
"No, I won't leave. I won't run for the Diet either, I'll find a way to help my fellows while remaining close to you and Chizuru. So… Could you forgive me for being so insensitive towards you two?"
She slowly returned the embrace, ending up clutching my back strongly and once more softly, silently crying on my shoulder.
I remain there, simply hugging her. After some time, she calmed down and ended the contact between us.
"Kurechika, you truly… will stay with us? You'll try to be more present from now on?" She looked up at me, eyes still filled with uncertainty but having regained some of her sturdiness.
"I'll try, and if I don't make it just nag at me like you used to. Remember?" I smile at her, caressing her cheek and cleaning the remnants of tears in her eyes. "I won't ask you to forgive me now, but please be patient with me. I'll make an earnest effort from now on to be a more present parent and husband."
"Then… You'll stay with Chizuru during the weekends instead of being on the phone?" Part of her usual inquisitive stare returned, grabbing my chest.
"I will have to make calls, I'm sure. But I'll be by Chizuru's side from today onwards. I don't know as much about her as I should actually… But I'll take my time to get to know her better."
"And you'll help me with the chores? You won't complain about the food I make?"
"So long as you don't ask me to cook, I will. Cleaning the dishes, buying groceries or doing the laundry is nothing I can't do. And if it makes you happy, I'll try out any food you make for me, Saeko. Just… don't overdo it with the sauce."
"And… And can I… Can you listen to what I have to say? Will you start looking at me from now on?"
"…Yes, I'll make a conscious effort to be by your side. And even if I don't notice, come and talk with me. I might be tired, but that doesn't mean we can't talk things out."
She did her best, narrowing her eyes tightly, yet the tears ran away regardless. I hugged her kindly again, wrapping my arms around her shoulders.
"I'm sorry for saying something so hurtful before, Saeko. I truly do not deserve someone as patient as you. So please give me a chance to right my wrongs."
"Kurechika… I have to ask… Did you ever love me?" She asked, the monster resurfacing again. Her eyes now squinted in rage, the sadness subdued slightly. "Be honest with me. Don't say these kind things just to please me. Did you ever-"
"Yes, I did. But not in the way you think."
"What do you mean?"
"I… I really enjoyed our talks about books. When we officially started our relationship, I had my doubts about us to be honest."
I close my eyes, leaning onto her.
"But during our first years together, even after Chizuru had grown, I admired how you dealt with everything. My work and my own assumptions made me close up and look away… And I am sorry for that. The frustration of our quarrels of late made me forget why I chose to marry you instead of just acknowledging Chizuru as my daughter."
I move back to look into her eyes. Holding out some of their defiance like a small fence against a rainstorm, she returned my gaze.
"I love you, Saeko. I love how you challenge me to be better, how you face everything unfazed, and how you can deal with so many heavy burdens on your own."
I run a hand over her cheek slowly.
"I used to think you could take it, that's why I didn't ask if you were fine. And seeing you waver… made me think less of you sometimes, I admit. So all I ask is for you to give me another chance to regain your trust. However… If you deem me unworthy after what I've said… I won't oppose your wishes."
She closed her eyes, bringing both hands together. Her lips moving and twisting, she then opened her eyes again.
"…You will be back home early, right?"
"Yes, I will."
"And I can rely on you to help me in taking care of Chizuru?" I nod. "And you'll take care of her no matter what happens between us?"
"Of course I will."
"…Even after I'm gone?"
"What are you saying? Are… Are you sick, Saeko?"
"No, it's just… You won't leave Chizuru alone if anything happens to me, right? You won't do that, right Kurechika?"
"Your doubt hurts me, Saeko. I know I said many hurtful things to you tonight but I would never abandon our daughter. I know it wasn't enough, but I have been living with you two in my mind." I didn't want to have a daughter at the time. Chizuru wasn't in my plans. But that doesn't mean I'll abandon her. I won't be like my own father, I will keep my daughter safe.
"I see…" She looks away for a moment, rubbing her hands together. "And… you will… start taking our relation more seriously? I can… believe you, right?"
"Yes… I don't know how soon I'll reach what you need of me, but I will do my utmost effort to support you from now on, and not just with money. Can you give me another chance, Saeko?"
She looks away, pursing her lips. Bringing her hands together again, she took a moment to look at me again. When she did, she grabbed my face and kissed me.
"…If you were lying…. I swear you'll pay for giving me hope again." Her body still doing hiccups, her eyes seemed to have a few tears left in them. I hug her, our foreheads touching.
"I wasn't. I promise you I'll start to properly support you from now on, dear."
