A huge thanks to those who posted the reviews, much appreciated! Good to know there are people out there enjoying my little yarn. It certainly does motivate you to keep going. 😊
And now… back to our regularly scheduled program…..
Chapter 34 – Letting Go…
I looked around the almost empty apartment and sighed deeply. After that night on the balcony with Prime, I did some real soul searching. I came to the conclusion that to stay here, surrounded by my memories, would only hinder my healing. I also knew in my heart that Chase would want me to move on, move forward, and not allow my grief to hold me prisoner, just as I would want him to do if the situation was reversed. I would honour his memory by making sure I lived a life he never got to.
When I told Prime of my decision to move out and back in with the Autobots, his faceplates broke into a massive smile and his optics lit up, ''OC, I think that it is a very wise decision and you would be more than welcome to re-join us. You have been sorely missed by everyone.''
The following day I started packing. Lennox and Epps called by to help and when they arrived, I gave them both a huge hug and cried into their shoulders for a moment, thanking them for not giving up on me and apologising for being so distant towards them. They both squeezed me tight and Epps gently admonished me, ''OC! You have nothing to be sorry for. You are family to us, and family don't give up on each other.''
Lennox chimed in, ''That's right. We knew it was going to be rough, but we also had every faith you would whether the storm. Just remember – we're on your side,'' and I relished the contact as they had hugged me again.
It didn't take long to pack most things away and move out the few items of furniture I owned. All that was left to do was to go through Chase's clothes in the bedroom and I wanted to be alone to do that. Lennox and Epps had taken over the various boxes and belongings to my new ''old'' room in Autobot quarters. I would follow later that evening when I had completed the final task here. A task I was dreading.
I stood in the middle of the bedroom, casting my eyes about the place. Flashes of memories raced through my mind. When I first arrived here by myself, the first morning Chase and I had woken up together and spent an amazing day wrapped up in each other, the lazy Sunday mornings cosied up together, the night we ''made up'' after our first ''fight'' over Optimus. I laughed a little at that recollection. I closed my eyes, and I could see Chase sitting on the end of the bed, putting his N.E.S.T uniform on, how handsome he had looked in that. Tears stung at my eyes and I wiped them away furiously.
/No. Not yet/.
I took a deep breath and walked over to the closet and then the chest of drawers. I began to pull all his clothes out and place them on the bed. One by one, I held them close to me, as if hugging him one last time. I drank in his scent that still clung to the fabric of his shirts and I remembered. I locked away those memories for safe keeping and I began to place the articles of clothing into large black plastic bags for donating and a small bag for keeping.
There were a few things I just couldn't bear to part with – not yet. His black peaked cap he had always worn, one of his N.E.S.T uniforms, a faded grey t-shirt he used to wear around the apartment and a warm navy hoodie. I placed the cap, shirt and uniform in a separate bag to take and picked up the warm hoodie, holding it close to my chest.
Something poked into me.
My eyebrows crinkled in surprise and curiosity as I reached my hand into the pocket only to pull out a small, blue velvet jewellery box. My heart began to beat rapidly and my hand trembled as I brought the box up before me. The hoodie now lay forgotten on the bed beside me. I closed my eyes, swallowed and carefully opened the box – my heart filled with nervous anticipation and a small amount of fear. I opened my eyes slowly.
There, glimmering like a tiny star, was the most perfect engagement ring.
A silver and gold infinity band bedecked with tiny diamonds along the sides like stars in the night sky, both wrapped about a single, beautiful diamond. My heart stopped, my breath hitched, my free hand came to my mouth to try and stop the anguished cry from escaping. My shoulders shuddered and the tears fell uncontrollably.
I held the ring tightly to my chest and crumpled around it. /Oh Chase! THAT was what you had meant when you said there was something more you wanted than to just be with me! You were going to ask me to marry you and be yours forever!/. The thought tore through me, shattering the resolve I had been carefully building the last few days.
I collapsed on the bed, clutching the ring tightly in my hand to my chest, as if trying to bring it against my heart. Great heaving sobs wracked my body and I allowed myself to fall apart, utterly and completely. I had to. I had hit rock bottom. There was only one way to go from here.
I don't know how long I had laid on the bed, lost in my grief. The last rays of sunlight were being chased from the sky and along the bedroom walls, swallowed by the evening shadows. My body ached and I felt exhausted. I still held the ring firmly in my hand. As I lay there willing myself to rise and start to move forward, I heard my phone ring. /Lennox, I bet/. I dragged myself to my feet and looked at my phone. There was a missed call from Lennox. I was about to ring him back when the phone rang again –I pressed the answer button.
''OC? Are you alright? You were due back here a few hours ago. Prime contacted me to say you had not arrived and had not sent word. He is worried, as am I. Do you need help, is everything ok?'' His voice held concern and worry.
I closed my eyes and tried to steady my voice, ''I'm sorry Lennox, I ran into - a complication. I… I… found something in Chase's pocket.'' I breathed deeply trying to summon the courage I needed to say the next words out loud. ''Lennox – there was a ring. He was going to propose to me!'' I felt my world fall apart all over again and I sobbed loudly.
I heard Lennox swear on the other end of the phone, ''Oh OC, I am so sorry! Truly I am. I am coming to get you.''
''NO!'' I all but yelled down the line. ''No, I need to do this by myself. I am almost done here. Just, give me a bit longer. I can do this. I have to do this Lennox.'' I surprised myself at the resolve in my voice and the sudden strength that filled me.
There was a heavy sigh on the other end of the line, ''Ok OC, if that is what you need to do. But if you aren't here within an hour, I AM coming to get you, understood soldier?'' there was no mistaking the order and I nodded before replying.
''Ok, fair deal. Tell Prime I'll be there within the hour.'' I hung up and set the phone down. I dried my eyes with the back of my sleeve and took a steadying breath. Once, twice, three times.
I slowly stood and collected the few plastic bags, hefting them out into the loungeroom and near the front door. Walking back into the bedroom, I picked up the separate bag filled with the items I could not part with. I stood on the spot and turned around slowly, clasping the precious ring to my chest. I glanced about the room, which now felt empty, devoid of any trace of the two people who had lived, laughed and loved here. /This is the last time I will look upon these walls, the last time I will walk around these rooms/. The memories flooded through me and a single tear tracked down my cheek. /Goodbye Chase. Thank you/.
Taking a deep breath, I turned on my heel and walked to the front door. I placed the ring back in its case and placed it in my pocket safely. I collected the bags, turned back towards the room and with a final nod, opened the door and walked out into the hallway. I didn't look back.
I carefully placed Chase's belongings in the back seat of Relda and started her engine. I drove in silence towards the base and Autobot quarters. This didn't seem quite real. As I drove past Hanger 1 and down the track that led to the Autobot quarters, I could make out the large metallic shapes of familiar friends all standing about waiting for me. I could see Lennox waiting too.
I parked Relda out the front of the hanger and slowly got out. Lennox came straight up to me and wrapped me in a hug. ''OC,'' was all he said, and I burst into tears. I clung to him. Crying my pain and heartache into his shoulder. He simply held me. The Autobots had gathered around too. Their expressions held such sadness and concern, it broke my heart anew. After a while I felt the tears subside and I drew in steadying breaths. I slowly pulled away from Lennox and wiped my eyes.
''I seriously can't have many more of them left!'' I said out loud, looking slightly embarrassed.
''Baby girl, no one would blame ya if ya did. You let 'em fall whenever you want,'' Jazz's voice spoke up and I sent him an appreciative smile.
''That's right OC, you do whatever you need to do. We've got your back,'' Sideswipe chimed in.
Ironhide's gruff voice rang out, ''Is there anything we can do for you OC?'' he asked tentatively.
''Apart from turn back time 'Hide and make this shit all go away, not much no,'' I smiled ruefully at him. ''Just, forgive me if I seem a little distant or not myself for a while. I will get through this, but it may be a bumpy road. Having you all by my side means the world to me and I thank you for your support.'' I smiled at them all through misty eyes.
''Of course OC, where else would we be?'' Rachet offered his support.
Prime had remained unusually quiet during the reunion, watching me intently.
Lennox patted me on the shoulder, ''Well OC, you've had a big day. You must be exhausted, let's help you get your things inside and settled and call it a night hey?'' He moved to open Relda.
''Sure. Lennox all those black bags, can you take them please and find a home for them? The other bag, that's mine.'' I directed.
''No worries OC, sure thing,'' he grabbed the black bags and hefted them over to his car. I felt tears well up in me again as I watched him close the door on Chase's belongings. It was like I was saying goodbye to him all over again. /Will this ever stop!/. Lennox came back and grabbed the other bag and took it inside to my room. When he emerged, he came over and gave me a big hug. ''You take care of yourself OC. Try and get some rest and I'll see you tomorrow. If you need anything..'' he started to say.
''I'll annoy Ironhide,'' I chimed in shooting Lennox, and then Ironhide, a quick teasing smile.
Lennox and the others burst into laughter and Ironhide simply folded his massive arms across his chest and grumbled, ''I'd like to see you try.''
I sighed, ''Sounds like a challenge to me 'Hide. Be careful what you wish for,'' and I winked at him. He shifted nervously from pede to pede unsure what to make of my veiled threat. I simply laughed, surprising myself that I could under the circumstances /Maybe it will be alright?/.
''Alright OC, if you need anything, annoy Ironhide or me or any of the others. All you need to do is ask,'' he smiled once again and then waved to the others as he got into his car and headed off.
I stood there for a moment watching his car disappear and suddenly felt myself feel very tired. I sighed, ''Well, while it has been lovely seeing you all again, I feel I must bid you goodnight and head off to bed. I am feeling pretty tired.''
Prime spoke up then, ''Of course OC, that is completely understandable. I trust you remember where to go?'' he smiled down to me.
I snorted softly, ''Alzheimer's hasn't kicked in just yet Prime, I think I'll manage,'' I waved at them all and turned to walk inside. 'Night all.'' As I walked inside, I heard a chorus of farewell's and the sound of heavy pedes dispersing to various destinations. Some to recharge themselves, others to patrol.
I entered my old room and lay down on the bed. It had been made up with fresh linen /Thank you Lennox/, and I had all my belongings sat around me. As I pulled the covers up and over me, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled the box containing the ring out and held it to my chest. My eyes did feel so very heavy, like leaden weights. Within moments I felt the pull of sleep try to claim me and I willingly submitted.
