So, so close...

Enjoy,

M.

Chapter 84

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Jack looked at her from his comfortable bed, surprised by her statement. It was a brave thing to say. That she was afraid of herself. He knew it was awfully scary to admit something like that.

"I think most people that do things like we need to do, are afraid of themselves, Sam," Jack said. Because the truth was, sometimes he scared the shit out of himself.

"As if you do." She rolled her eyes at him.

"As a matter of fact, sometimes I do." His statement surprised him. Jack wasn't sure he would come clean like that, but there was something that made him say it. He couldn't believe the relief he felt after confessing it. "Sometimes I wonder who the hell I am and what the hell I am capable of. Because sometimes my memories are as scary as hell. Fuck, we went to hell, Sam! That's not even the cherry on the top for me."

"Jack… You don't understand. I've done things I'm not proud of…" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"And what? Do you think I haven't? You think Daniel, Janet, Teal'c. Heck! Even Cassie, can say they have only done things they're proud of? You're only human, Sam. Your brain might be one of the best assets of this country, if not a national treasure. That doesn't mean you can't think you're wrong. You aren't perfect. Neither am I."

He looked at her and he wanted nothing more than to be there. To hug her and be a neuron in her brain to try to figure out what was going on in that brilliant mind of hers. She held his gaze for a while until she couldn't. She yawned then, and he frowned.

"You should lie down. Who knows, maybe I can talk you to sleep," he offered.

"I would like that, but I'm in the office. My home office set up was already open, so it was faster than setting up my laptop."

"Then go get some rest, Carter. You can't live life over exhausting yourself all the time."

"I'm not," she yawned.

"Yes, you are. I know you well enough. I've done that myself enough, too. Go, sleep. We can talk tomorrow again."

"Is that a deal?"

"If that means you'll get at least six hours of decent shuteye. Yes."

"Good night, Jack." She smiled. A mesmerizingly honest smile.

"Good night, Sam."

Friday, December 28, 2012

Sam woke up with Parker tucked safely under her arm. She couldn't recall exactly when or how that had happened. It wasn't all that surprising. During the years they were living on the run, Parker would jump in her bed whenever she'd had a bad dream.

Sam didn't sleep much, but when she did, it was most likely a deep sleep courtesy of exhaustion. So, Parker had found out that she could get away with cuddling in her mom's bed. If her mom was sleeping whenever that happened.

"If I recall things correctly, you were in your bed when I left you," Sam mumbled, nuzzling her hair. "Nightmare?"

"I… Not really. I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep."

"Okay. As long as you know that you can come to me whenever something is wrong."

"I know."

"So, is there something wrong?" Parker shook her head. "Great, then let's get ready to start the day. Fred should be here shortly. You still need breakfast and Jessica should be here soon too."

It was after her training and getting ready to leave, that she went to find Parker. She had thought the guys' advice through, but there was still something making her doubt. She knocked on Parker's open door to get her attention.

"P? How would you feel about throwing a birthday party?"

"For you?" She turned around to look at her mom, confused by it. As long as she had lived, she couldn't remember one birthday that her mom would do something for herself.

"Is that so shocking?" Sam asked, crossing her arms.

"Yes! Mommy, I didn't even know when your birthday was until I was old." She said and Sam snorted.

"If you are old, P… Then what am I? Ancient?"

"You know what I mean," Parker said. Rolling her eyes in a very Jack way. "But no, if you want to throw a party, you should."

"But won't you be uncomfortable? You know, surrounded by adults you know nothing about?" Sam asked, and it was Parker's turn to snort.

"Mom, I've been doing that my whole life."

"Right!"

"Besides, I could just get some friends over?"

"That'd be good too." Sam smiled.

"So, who's coming over?" Parker grinned.

"I'm not sure. Vala said she would organize it, I guess it'd be Janet, Cassie, T, Vala and… Daniel..." She sighed the last name. They were talking now, but their relationship was a lot different from before. A bit colder, a lot more… aloof.

"Not Sir General Jack?" Parker grinned, hopefully.

"He's out of town." Sam frowned. Was that disappointment that she read on Parker's face? How could that be if Jack avoided her like the plague? "Besides, I don't think he would be here if he wasn't."

"Isn't he your friend?" Parker frowned.

"He is."

"Then why wouldn't he be here?"

"It's complicated," Sam dismissed. Parker wondered if being friends and being in love were mutually exclusive things when you were an adult. "So, you are okay with it?"

"Sure. Whatever makes you happy, mom!"

"Great, thanks. I need to go now. I'll try to be home early."

Friday, December 28, 2012

"So, I got this interesting email from, Vala," Jack said as soon as she appeared on his screen. "I'm glad to know you decided to go for it."

"Yeah. I'm totally regretting it already." Sam shook her head. "Vala said there were at least twenty confirmed guests. I had no idea where I'll fit that many people."

"The yard was lovely."

"That's what I thought too. Then it snowed. So, I have to call a bunch of places tomorrow, to see if someone can rent me some tents and maybe some external heaters. Oh, and tables… And chairs! I don't have enough chairs!"

"Are you freaking out?" Jack chuckled.

"I am!"

"I didn't know you were such a control freak," Jack stated amused, but her expression became grim.

"I wasn't." Sam huffed. "I became one out of necessity." She grimaced. Reminding him he really didn't know her that much anymore.

"Sam… Listen to me, there's no need to freak out about this. It's people from the SGC. You know most of them. You're just opening your home to them. Inviting them to some food and maybe drinks. If you're uncomfortable with that, you shouldn't do it."

"Then what? Send an email saying Vala was joking? There was enough incredulity already running around the rumor mill."

"Talk to Janet. I'm sure she'll be there earlier to help you out, as much as she can." He smiled. "So, watcha doing?" Jack asked as he listened to her typing.

"I'm fixing some code." She shrugged.

"Am I that boring, that you need to code while I'm talking to you?"

"No. It's just something I would've fixed around this time. I won't be able to fix it tomorrow, so… hope you don't mind." She flinched as she waited for his answer. Jack thought her expression was quite endearing.

"Not at all, I'm just joking. Want me to keep quiet until you finish?" He offered.

"What would be the point of having a video call if we don't talk?" Sam asked. Stopping her typing for a second to look at him. Jack shrugged.

"Company, I guess? I can read while you're at it. If there's something you want to talk about, we can talk."

"That'd be awesome." She took his breath away with one of her brightest smiles. The brightest he'd seen since her return.

"So, isn't there anyone else who could fix this code thing?" He asked after a while. Sam looked up and shook her head.

"No. I programmed it and it's faster when I fix it. The one in charge had this case sitting on his desk for a month. Trying to figure out what to change. We can't keep it like that."

"I see." He said and grabbed his book again. Jack tried to concentrate on the words in his hands, but it was so difficult having her there to observe. If he was honest, he used to go to her lab only to observe her. This was bringing back those memories. "The pen on your shelves at the SGC? That's the one I kept playing with back then, isn't it?" Her blush was the answer he needed.

"It was." She confirmed. "It was one of the few material things they allowed me to keep. All those things in my shelves were."

"What do they stand for? Or who…" he frowned in concentration. "I'll guess the drawing is Cassie's and by extension, Janet. My bet is they wouldn't allow just take a needle with you." Sam snorted.

"Yeah. The pebble was from the time when we taught Teal'c how to make them bounce."

"Oh, I remember that day. It was a quiet mission for once. And the others?" It really was one of the few peaceful memories his brain could come up with whenever he was too stressed.

"The piece of paper with scribblings was something Daniel and I found out. The watch belonged to my mom, a gift from my dad."

"Something to remind you of your family then." She nodded.

"The last ties I had to my family, related by blood or not."

"It must have been awful." He mumbled, lowering his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Knowing that we were right here, and you couldn't even contact us. I always thought you would." She raised her eyes for a second.

"I found a way to keep me myself from doing it. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to tell you what it was," Sam said, thinking on the several thumb-drives holding videos of her talking to him. Confessing everything she did and felt during those years.

"I'm sorry," he said again. She looked up at him.

"Jack. You got to stop apologizing. It wasn't your fault. You didn't order me to go there. You didn't hold a file over both our heads. You didn't try to gather the information that would force you to do someone else's bidding. You have nothing to apologize for."

"They told me I needed to get rid of the rogue NID and end the war against the Goa'uld. I did neither."

"You know if I learned something during these years. It's that there are things you need to do by yourself, and there are things you need to let other people do. We can't solve everything. It's not fair."

"Yet, you blame yourself for something you haven't spoken about."

"Can we not talk about it?"

"Sure." He sighed, they were getting to a territory that could've been quicksand for their advance. So, he remained quietly watching her. Another hour and a half went by and Jack smiled. "Sam."

"Yeah?"

"Are you half done?" He asked.

"Yup, I just need to post this, and I'm done."

"Off to bed?"

"Unless you got better plans?" She teased. He said nothing for a while as she worked. "I'm done."

"Sam?" Jack called again to get her undivided attention.

"Yeah?" Sam said, finally looking at him.

"Happy birthday, my love." He whispered. She gulped. Feeling feelings after all the time. "God, it felt nice to say that to your face after all this time." Sam smiled at him. A real megawatt smile that made him melt on the spot. He cleared his throat, thinking 'no wonder Jonah remembered feeling feelings for her. It's impossible not to.'

"It would've been better if you were here to tell me that," she added a second later. A small bittersweet feeling reminding her that things weren't quite like she imagined would be by now. Unable to help herself, she yawned.

"You should get to bed. Get some rest. We can talk the day after tomorrow, or rather tomorrow night since it's tomorrow already." He said. She shook her head, amused at his flustered phrasing. "What?"

"Nothing. Good night, Jack."

"Night, birthday girl."

Her image was removed from his screen. Jack decided he didn't like that. He didn't like to have to say happy birthday to her while thousands of miles separated them. Not when they were so distant and lost for the past eleven years. He could learn to accept Parker. For her, she could do a lot more than loving an extension of her, right?

Jumping out of his bed. He lowered the notebook lid and hurriedly shoved the things he'd brought and needed back inside his duffle. He grabbed his keys, wallet, cellphone, and bag as he turned off everything in the cabin. Closing it, he sat behind the wheel of his truck. Deciding that it was too late to call his family to let them know he was returning to Colorado. He also knew they would understand the moment he told them why.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Parker had seen her mom in different states in the short duration of her life. Worried, angry, stressed, afraid, stern, and a long list of others. However, there was always something akin to the end of life as they knew it behind those.

There was a loving and caring mom she knew all too well. One that worried about her feelings and her needs. One who was there to support her no matter if she was crying because of a paper cut or when she'd ended up hospitalized. She knew her mom loved her beyond words. She also knew she wanted her mom to be happy. She wanted to see that light in her eyes that seemed to show up when she was near certain, very old looking, General. Yes, maybe she had known nothing about her mom's military career before, but she was suspicious that she was the cause of her mom leaving the USAF. Maybe her mom got pregnant and that forced her to leave everything she knew behind?

"You're silly, Parker." She mumbled. She knew there were other women in the USAF that had kids too. So why her mom would be any different?

Instead of continuing to analyze what had managed to get several hours of her sleep since they'd returned, Parker turned to the one she knew. Her mom was freaking out. There were people out in their yard setting up some tables, a tent, and some external heaters. While her mom was on the phone handling only God knew what.

"I've never seen her so nervous before," Jessica said, following Parker's eyes.

"Me neither."

The doorbell chimed. They walked to the front door, wondering what else Sam could've hired in such short notice.

"Jessica, right?" Cassie smiled brightly at them.

"Yes, Cassie?" Jessica squinted.

"Yup. Hey, Parker. My mom sends me as an offering, I guess." Cass shrugged. "Something about your mom's inherent ability to freak out and Vala's incessant skills of exaggerating things." Parker chuckled.

"She's in the back."

"Right. My mom should be right behind me. Give her half an hour or so. In the meantime, I'm supposed to distract your mom before she organizes a whole formal ball or something." Cassie heard Parker laugh as she walked to the back.

"Happy birthday, birthday girl!" Cassie cheered behind Sam's back.

"Cassie? Whatcha doing here?" Sam frowned.

"You want the fake reason or the true reason?" Cassie grinned. Sam looked at her pointedly. "Well, mom says Vala has been annoying you with the number of guests and food. So, we both thought you would be freaking out about the space. Here I am to take your mind off of it. So, whatcha freaking out about now?"

Sam looked at Cassie and wondered for a second if her background was what made it so easy for her to lower her barriers when it came to Cassandra Fraiser. Or maybe it was the fact that the girl had already figured out how to live while being the sole survivor of her entire planet. So her own stupid dwellings about who unfair life was were nothing by comparison.

"If I tell you something, would you not tell anyone?"

"Of course." Sam sucked on her lower lip for a second, before she let out a sigh.

"I'm terrified that no one will come." She whispered so low that Cassie had issues hearing it. "I think I've scared everyone away. So, no one will come. Not even for the free food or booze, as Vala says." Cassie gave her a reassuring smile and grabbed one of Sam's fidgeting hands.

"Hey, we will be here. No matter who else comes or who doesn't. You'll always have us. Maybe we're at a rocky place now, but it won't last forever. Trust me. I know all about rocky places myself."

Sam gave her a half-smile. "Thanks, Cassie, I think I needed to hear that."