Chapter 39
"Shepard… Shepard, wake up."
The voice came through her dream and stirred a memory. Jane opened her eyes and closed them immediately, the brightness of them blinding.
"There, on the monitor. Something's wrong."
"She's reacting to outside stimuli, showing an awareness of her surroundings… Oh my god, Miranda, I think she's waking up."
"Damn it, Wilson, she's not ready yet. Give her the sedative." There was movement to her side. "Shepard, don't try to move." Touch. Touch so painful it felt as if she had never been touched before. Not like this. "Just be still. Try to stay calm…"
More touch.
"Shepard. Wake up."
Jane opened her eyes with a soft gasp, her gaze focusing on Miranda Lawson. There was a brief moment where she didn't know where she was. Whether she was on the station of Project Lazarus or whether she was on the Normandy. Looking into the icy blue eyes of her XO, she wondered if it had all been a dream and whether she would have to go through it all again.
Then, the blue eyes changed, showing a concern Shepard knew she had not been capable of showing before.
"Jane, are you alright?"
Commander Jane Shepard blinked, breathed and then felt her senses return to her.
"Miranda," she breathed and looked around her, relieved to find that she was still in her cabin. "Sorry. I was… confused." The woman's face wore no expression as she studied her.
"Nightmares?" She asked.
Jane shook her head. "No… memories, I guess. What time is it?" She started to sit up, refusing the assistance Miranda silently offered her and noticing that there was a cup of coffee beside her bed and some food.
"Later," Miranda said, non committal. "Hackett's near, Chakwas said that she'll wait for him while I get you up. I assumed you want to speak to him immediately."
Jane wondered how she could have mistaken this reality for a dream. The weight of her actions the last few days settled around her like a shroud as she nodded.
"Yes," she said. "Thank you." She looked at the food and reached for the cup of coffee, immediately aware that her discomfort was down to a minimum. Jane started to shift her weight off of the bed, relieved to find that the pain in her leg and hip was also gone. She was aware of Miranda watching her, studying her every move as she stood back a bit.
"What is his ETA?"
Motioning to the food beside her bed, Miranda moved up to her closet and selected out some clothes for her. She had reached for Shepard's old Alliance uniform, but the commander quickly stopped her with a shake of her head.
"Just the black suit will be fine," she pointed out. "I am not Alliance anymore." For the first time, it didn't carry a bitter edge to it though it did make Miranda pause and glance at her.
"Your mother would have a fit hearing those words from your mouth, I'm sure," Miranda's tone was dry. "You have enough time to eat something decent. I suggest you get to it."
Hint clearly thrown across Jane reached for her coffee first and took a sip.
"I think she's managed to wrap her head around some of my grievances against the blue," she pointed out and studied her XO. "Tell me, Miranda, where is your head at? How do you see this day playing out?"
The woman glanced at her and paused. Jane could see her war within herself against her knee jerk reaction to keep everything a secret and the human need to speak her mind. Jane made sure to meet her gaze, hoping that it will remind her that she valued honesty above all else and it seemed to have worked. The ex-Cerberus officer sighed deeply before she carefully laid Shepard's clothes on the bed.
"Hackett seems to have come alone," she pointed out. "Though there is an Alliance cruiser close by. It's hard to say wither he'll utilised it or whether it was sent here to investigate the Ba'hak relay incident. Conclusions are quickly being drawn that the system might well be out of reach forever. Aria's refusing anyone without legitimate business and contacts on Omega to make berth. Which, arguably are two words I never thought to associate with Omega. Legitimate business. There is an outcry, of course, but I presume in Aria's mind nothing her mercenaries can't handle with some hard negotiation." She shook her head and gave Shepard a sideways glance. "Clearly someone has given her a heads up to the developing tragedy."
"Clearly," Jane murmured. "And though I am grateful for the update, Miranda, I asked you a question." She reached for some of the food, but didn't begin eating. Sighing again, Miranda slowly moved so that she could sit down on the bed's edge beside her. She was quiet for a long time.
"Honestly, Shepard, I don't know. I don't know what to think." She didn't look at Jane, but fixed her eyes on the aquarium, her face troubled. "I have run scenario on scenario through my mind and I've come to the same conclusion. Whether it weretwo days, two hours or two minutes, we would never have been able to stop the reapers from using the Ba'hak relay to move to the rest of the galaxy. If Kenson had said somehow managed to break through her indoctrination and warned, not us, but the Alliance all those months ago when she started on this project, sure. But now, just as we became involved? I doubt it. I believe the conclusion would have been the same, the relay would have been destroyed. Because we had run out of time." She sniffed then looked down at her hands. "And, you're right." Jane had to struggle not to say anything, but Miranda didn't miss anything.
"Don't look at me like that," her tone was rather snappish now. "This is serious."
Putting the food down again, Jane reached out and touched Miranda's shoulder. "I know," she spoke kindly, because a woman like Miranda needed kindness sometimes even though she didn't acknowledge it. "Please continue."
Miranda did, after a moment.
"It's been three months since we've taken on the Collectors and won," she continued slowly. "And in that time since we've survived the Omega 4 Relay trip, we have drifted around without real recourse. Your pleas have fallen on deaf ears and not even Anderson gave you an audience. Hackett only contacted you when one of his people wasin danger." Miranda shook her head. "And all we've done is rescue one physically broken woman, paired her up with a psychotic killer. Crippled another Cerberus lab and handing over the only person capable of communicating with the geth in a language that they understand to the Alliance. Which was the right thing to do, but we can't use him now. Killed a Spectre, arguably one who would have killed you, and we've put LiaraT'Soni in charge of the largest and most dangerous information network in the known galaxy. The latter being the only thing that might pay off somewhere along the line. We've been floundering around and the truth is I lack the vision to imagine how we could have done things differently."
The words were strangely painful to hear.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Miranda," Jane said, her words a faint echo from one of the very first true conversations she had had with her XO. "What had been the Illusive Man's original plan when it came to my resurrection?"
The raven haired woman snorted. "Honestly? I have no idea. My job had been to bring you back to life. The Collectors proved to be a good cause to rally behind, but the truth was that I never understood his grand plan when it came to you. He believed that you were important." She grimaced. "And, I finally agree with him even if I didn't then. But how he had planned to use you was never discussed with me. Our mission was to defeat the Collectors and figure out what they were doing with all the human colonists. And we weren't around for the debriefing after."
Jane had to nod. She had sent the Illusive Man to hell when he asked her to keep the Collector's base intact. Miranda was right in a way, they hadn't really... There hadn't been a plan. Not after they survived their so called suicide mission. The Normandy had leaked people, the complement of staff growing smaller every day. When the opportunity had come to investigate Abby's abduction by the mercenaries, Jane had leapt on it because she knew she had to find something to keep her crew busy. Freeing David had been much the same. They shouldn't have cared about the fate of a Cerberus facility, but they had needed something to keep them busy.
They were adrift in a sea of stars.
And they certainly weren't going to fight the reapers with an autistic man and a woman with Huntington's Disease.
Jane grimaced. "So," she said slowly. "What do you think I should do?"
Miranda's frown intensified.
"Yesterday I would have told you to take the Normandy and run," she said. "I thought we could figure things out, find another angle. But... I heard what you said, Shepard. That's why I thought so critically about our actions the last couple of months. Maybe it is time to change tactics. Maybe it's time for us to stand up, come out of the shadows and speak of what we saw on a platform more public than what we have at our disposal now. Maybe you should go in front of the Council and take responsibility for the Ba'hak relay. Maybe then people will start to realise what is out there and that it cannot be avoided."
Jane nodded but gave Miranda a critical look. "You say we," she pointed out. "If I decide to hand myself over, do you think that you should as well?"
Miranda's gaze was unwavering.
"I'm not leaving you to the wolves, Shepard," she said. "And I have nowhere else to go. Tali and Garrus are preparing to leave as we speak, I'm guessing they are only waiting to say good bye to you. Tali's already found transport to the migrant fleet and Garrus used his old contacts here to secure some for himself. The rest of the crew not in the know... They're uncomfortable. Nobody's left but..."
"I'm going to have to talk to them," Jane finished and felt her stomach lurch a little. What was she asking of them? What was she asking of Miranda?
"You have to eat first," her XO said a bit waspishly. "So that you can get dressed and talk to Hackett. Then, when you know what he is planning, you can address them. It would be useless before hand, they know they should wait."
Jane couldn't hide her amusement. "A logical recourse as always," she said. "Miranda, I have a suggestion. Why don't you take the Normandy? Get out of here, take my crew with you."
The way Miranda didn't blink told Jane that she had already considered it. "Honestly, Shepard, there won't be enough of them left," she spoke slowly. "Not with Tali and Garrusgone. But you seem to be decided, you're going to give yourself up." It was a statement, not a question but Jane nodded anyway because she had to let the idea settle in her head.
"I don't see any other option," she said. "But I don't think that you should follow me, Miranda. I have to ask you, what do you want to do?"
Miranda gave her one of those looks that suggested that she thought she was stupid. "I told you," she said. "I'm not letting you do this alone."
Jane fixed her with a look and took a deep breath.
"That's not what I asked you," she spoke slowly. "Miranda, please humour me. If I wasn't around, what would you like to do right now? After all we've just spoken about and what we've gone through in the past few months? What do you want to do?"
Her XO blinked and blew out a breath so soft Jane wouldn't have noticed it but for her slight chest movement. She was happy when Miranda didn't respond immediately because it meant she was actually thinking about it.
"I..." Miranda struggled a little. "I guess I would like to spend some time with my sister. She has expressed that wish." She hesitated. "And... And I would like that too."
Jane's heart ached a little for the woman who had probably spend her whole life doing what was best for the people and organisation she served and who never learned to see to her own needs. She reached out and took Miranda's hand.
"Then go," Shepard said. "Go. Don't follow me this time, Miranda. I don't see any point of you being incarcerated with me. Go to your family make sure that they are safely located for whatever might transpire in the future. It's time that you think of yourself for a little. You are allowed to be human." She could tell that the idea appealed, but Miranda was stubborn when it came to her own needs.
"I can hardly do that till the reapers come," she said. "There will be... Preparations."
Jane nodded. "I know," she said. "But we also now know that they won't come tomorrow." She thought for a moment. "Why don't you join Liara, help her? I know the Illusive Man won't take you back and I won't even come close to suggesting it. But maybe... that might be an option."
Miranda turned to her and blinked slowly, considering.
"Maybe," she said finally. "But let's first see what happens. Here, let me help you get dressed. If you need help. I'm serious about the food, Shepard."
Jane nodded and took a sip of coffee before she got up slowly, wincingas she did so. Miranda was on her feet immediately, her hands finding Jane's arms to steady her if she should fall in an anticipated wave of dizziness. Jane remained standing however, but could feel that her leg was still stiff.
"How is your pain, Commander?" Miranda asked quickly, her tone professional again.
Jane took a moment to take stock of herself.
"Except for the leg," she said slowly. "I am remarkably pain free. Chakwas said I healed faster than expected. Is my healing on par with yours?"
The slightest shift in her XO immediately told her the woman was uncomfortable with the subject. Probably for a variety of reasons.
"I heal quickly," Miranda didn't commit to a specific answer. "One of my father's gifts..." She trailed off, her expression becoming a little darker. "Yours is mostly due to some of the... modifications I've had to make."
Shepard nodded, still watching her closely. Without asking Miranda for help, she went to the clothes she had laid out for her and, after some consideration, started undressing. Miranda only made sure that she was steady before she politely turned her back – though Jane couldn't see the point because the woman had probably seen her naked for years. One of the biggest problems she had had was getting her body and mind to understand that so many months had passed since the Normandy's destruction and her revival, but that too was becoming easier. It was strange but she almost felt as if it had to do with the appearance of her mother. More so than in any person she knew, she could see the hand of time on her mother's features.
"And, I might live as long as you?" It was strange asking Miranda these things. They never spoke about it. But, Jane found that she wanted to know. "You can turn around. I'm decent."
"Decent?" Miranda quipped. "I doubt that, Commander. And... I would venture a guess and say yes. I'll have twice the human lifespan. You... maybe more. It's hard to say. If... life was different I would have evaluated you every year to see what your age progression is."
That didn't sound very pleasant to Jane thought she gave her crew member a polite smile. "Maybe you'll still get that chance. You ah, might have to help me with these pants." She had to sit down again because her leg had become too sore. Miranda nodded and quickly assisted her, her expression strangely dispassionate, but her touch gentle. Jane could still only marvel at how much Miranda had changed since she met her.
"Miranda, I have to ask you," she spoke slowly when Miranda helped her stand up again to fix her pants in place. "Why did you become a doctor?"
The question clearly caught the woman off guard. She flinched and glanced at Shepard, her eyes wide before her usual expression of icy calm came to her face again.
"I... guess I wanted to understand what my father did to me," she said. "And what he had done to my sister. So that I could fix her, if anything went wrong. I hardly think of myself as a medical doctor to be honest. I'm not like Dr Chakwas."
No, Jane silently agreed with her. But it doesn't make you less.
She finished her coffee and reached for the fruit Miranda had brought her. She didn't look at the woman when she spoke again.
"Miranda, have I ever thanked you for what you did for me?"
The XO froze. "That's hardly necessary," she brushed it off. "We should probably start heading down..."
Jane stopped her by putting a hand on her arm. Blue eyes turned to hers and waited.
"I think it is," Jane said. "And it has to be said now, because I don't know when I'll get the chance again. I am grateful for what you did Miranda. I won't lie, it took me a bit to get there. But, in giving me life again – you fulfilled it. You made me live a better life. I am so rich for having known all of you. I was simply a soldier before, but this second breath I've been given... Through everything we've seen, all the hardship, the sacrifices. All the pain we went through as a crew and on our own..." She thought of Miranda's loss of Niket and the disillusion of her trust in her childhood friend. "I wouldn'tchange it one bit." Her heart ached and her throat tightened for a moment though she spoke none the less, not caring if she showed this emotion to her XO.
"I would never have met and loved Samara without you." Her voice caught a little. It was inevitable. She was human. "And I don't think that I will survive this in the end. I don't think I will see the conclusion of this war. But... even hearing now that I might live longer than average... That gives me hope, Miranda, because it means if I survive this, if we win. Then maybe, maybe I can live out the end of my days with her."
It was a dream of course. Shepard could not see Samara abandoning her code. But it made her hope for such a future none the less.
Miranda stood very still, processing. Shepard had not expected her to reply because she knew her XO kept personal matters very close to the vest. That's why it surprised her when her XO stepped in suddenly and pulled her closer into a hug, her fingers almost desperately digging into Jane's back as she held onto her. Jane was caught off guard for only a moment before she returned the gesture, accepting the fierceness of the emotions she felt from the ex-Cerberus Officer. Miranda's head shifted when she put her chin on her shoulder, her lips coming to Shepard's cheek.
"You are not the only one that was changed," she whispered, her breath warm on Jane's ear. "You taught me to be human. You perfected me, Commander." Then, she let her go, her loss of contact almost painful. Jane had to take a deep breath as she stared at her XO, who had stepped away from her immediately. No emotion showed in her eyes anymore, but she was already up the stairs past Jane's display cabinet. She wasn't leaving though, but brought down a single crutch.
"Use this for weight distribution, if your leg is still sore. I also think it might bring a point home to Hackett, to show him how tough it was down there." Miranda didn't make eye contact. "Do you want to me to take you down, or should I leave?"
Jane knew that she had to take a moment to compose herself.
"You can leave," she said, keeping her tone neutral though a part of her wanted to scream simply because she knew that what was happening was unfair to all her people.
And to herself.
"Thank you, Miranda."
The dark haired woman put a crutch similar to the one she had seen Abby walk with on the bed beside her and then turned to leave, but at Shepard's words she stopped and turned back to the commander. Locking gazes, Jane realised that Miranda's eyes were brighter than normal.
"It's my pleasure and honour, Commander," she said quietly and then saluted her.
"Such an honour."
Dr Catherine Chakwas had been in the military almost all her life, a trait she had shared with Shepard up until the time of her death.Standing at the Normandy's docking tube, keeping an eye out for a man she had known for most of those years, Catherine marvelled at how the arrival of Sovereign had changed how she thought her life would be. She had been staring defiantly at retirement before the construction of the first Normandy and had only been assigned to such a historically important mission because Joker had been chosen as pilot.
And even that had happened completely by... accident.
No, Mars had already loomed in her future and, before Sovereign, she had thought that she would welcome it. She had allowed herself to consider a simpler life and, although it had frightened her a little, she had seen it as a challenge to be enjoyed. She had been so involved in the Alliance up until that moment in her life that she had not even owned a house. Everything she needed had been on the star ships and although her sister sometimes told her that she had missed out on the best things in life... Chakwas had felt that she had seen life at its richest and most terrible. She had served on Shanxi even as the colony had been bombarded from space by the turians and she had survived the Skyllian Blitz against all odds.
She had seen humanity in its infancy in intergalactic politics and saved the lives of soldiers paying the price for that ignorance. She had seen humanity rise during the Skyllian Blitz and finally, she saw and participated in the best humanity had to offer when it fought in the battle for the Citadel. She had been so proud in that moment when they finally conquered Sovereign and so...
So disappointed in the aftermath.
And, disappointed in its people.
Especially Admiral Steven Hackett.
She could see him now as he walked to them, his body language screaming Alliance even though he was dressed in civilian clothes. He saw her only a fraction of a second after she saw him, his light eyes fixing her with the kind of look that made her wonder if he thought that she should salute.
Well, she thought bitterly. He's going to wait a long time for that to happen again.
He crossed the distance between them quickly, his eyes darting back and forth as he kept an eye out for anybody that might have followed him. Catherine wondered if he truly understood Omega and how, in a place such as this, even the walls had eyes. She didn't greet him when he was close, but simply motioned to EDI to open the door and bid him into the airlock. She didn't miss the way his seasoned gaze appraised the Normandy's exterior before he slipped in with her, taking off the hat he had on.
"Doctor," he inclined his head in respect though she simply fixed with the coldest gaze she had in her arsenal. It took him by surprise as, she hoped, her lack of deference to him. Still, she couldn't lie to herself to admit that his appearance too took her by surprise. Hackett was... older than she remembered. There were lines carved into his face that weren't there before and even the terrible scar that decorated his face seemed uglier somehow. As if he had seen more than he cared to, something he didn't exhibit before Sovereign despite all the wars he had fought in and blood that he had shed.
Studying her carefully, he motioned around the airlock.
"It is larger than the first Normandy," he pointed out, sweeping his hand around the airlock before he slipped his hat back on his head, fixing it in place as if it as a part of some uniform. His words made Catherine shift as she crossed her arms and pinned him down with her gaze.
"It was builtwith a difference purpose in mind," Catherine said. "Cerberus intended for this ship to take down reapers. And I believe it will be quite capable of it." The last was said with a bit of pride, more than anything else. It had handled itself very well when they fought the collectors, much better than the first Normandy for obvious reasons. Catherine still woke up some evenings in a cold sweat, the echoes of the crews' screams and the tear of the Normandy's hull resounding through her memories.
Hackett's gaze didn't waver from hers.
"Let's hope it can," he said, the words making her stiffen.
"So you have finally seen the light now, have you Steven?" The words burst forth with a flare of her own anger, taking even herself by surprise. Hackett however must have anticipated it because he didn't show any reaction, simply making calm eye contact.
"I know the reapers are coming, Catherine, I have never denied it," he spoke slowly but his words made her angrier.
"But you never stood up and said so in public," she snapped. "You just send us off to right the geth, out of sight and out of mind."
Hackett fixed her with a stern look, apparently trying to tell her that she was being difficult. "I didn't think..." He began but Catherine cut him off.
"No," she snapped coldly. "Just as you didn't think when you send Jane off into the fray in Ba'hak."
The name got his attention immediately and she could see now a hint of steel in his own eyes.
"What happened there?" He demanded. "What can you tell me?" As if he expected her to still report to him.
"It's not for me to say," she said, denying him. "But you tell me right now, what do you intend to do?"
Hackett wasn't an easy one to sway though and he didn't blink when he simply said.
"I will speak to Commander Shepard."
Commander,she thought bitterly. As if that still meant something to the Alliance.
"And then? What then? What will you subject her to? A hearing? A lynch mob? Who else is coming here?"
Hackett blinked at her barrage of questions and sighed.
"Catherine..."
She shook her head sharply, cutting him off again. "Don't Catherine me," she pointed out and met his gaze with the steel of her own. "I blame you for this. I blame you for all of this."
She suspected that there was very little he could say to that. And, to his credit he didn't even try to defend himself. He simply looked at her and waited. Steven Hackett had always been good at waiting.
Catherine let the moment stretch out for a moment before she shook her head and rubbed her brow, her signal to EDI to open the door into the rest of the Normandy. She motioned him through but fell in step immediately next to him, using her body to shield him a little from the controls. There was nobody on deck that he could see and he noticed the crew's absence.
"Is Joker here?"
Catherine didn't look at him. "He is warming the engines as we speak." Not true technically, but he had to understand that it was an option. And, she could tell he didn't like the idea.
"So your intention is to flee?" They went through the armoury as there wasn't anything Miranda would have minded Hackett seeing.
"No," Catherine said very pointedly. "We intend to follow Shepard's command. If she tells us to go after she has spoken to you, we will. We almost wished that she would to be honest, but you know the commander, she isn't one to turn her back on a fight."
Hackett made some murmur of consideration, glancing at her sideways as they crossed the armoury and through the doors leading to the briefing room.
"Where is Captain Shepard?" He asked and she knew when she had referred to the fight, Jane wasn't the Shepard who came to mind. She didn't get to answer that question though as the doors to the briefing room was already open. Jane was waiting for them there, her expression calm and in sharp contrast to the anger Catherine felt in the presence of this man. It made her back off a little and she stopped, inclining her head at Jane ever so slightly. The commander wasn't watching her, her emerald green gaze on Hackett.
"She's not your concern right now," she spoke calmly. "You are here to see me."
The End of Chapter 39
