Dear Reader,
Thank you for joining me on this romantic adventure. Thank you Ritzybeth for faithfully reviewing and loving the characters as I have. Is there a happily ever after for Erik and his Angel of Music? I hope you get swept away in this chapter. Please leave a review, like, and or follow this story if you have been reading it and would like to receive alerts when the next chapters are released. Wishing you all the best fellow Phantom fans.
Chapter 34: Dare you Trust the Music of the Night?
I awoke feeling overly warm, the smell of the dying fire had wafted to me and I opened my eyes to see the embers red glow pulsating. No longer cold, I felt too hot and I began to push the covers off seeking some relief from heat. Awareness of his form surrounding me, his embrace pressing the blankets to me, while I felt his face and mask pressed into my shoulder. I felt him stir and then his hold on me loosened considerably. He shifted away from me and I sat up at his movement and reached for his arm. "Erik," I said, resting my hand on his arm to prevent him from moving away.
He turned to me, his masked face hovering above mine, the concern and pain so clear, "My Angel, how are you feeling?"
"I feel a bit too warm." I wiggled my toes and fingers, moving my limbs. "But other than that I feel fine."
He rushed the words out, his voice agitated and anguished, "You could have died my dear. What would make you behave in so rash a manner? You would not come without a reason." His eyes began to roam about my face and form. "Has someone hurt you?"
I had teared up at his evident concern. He still cared, maybe even loved me. I found my voice, trying to speak calmly but I was sure my rapidly beating heart would betray my true feeling. "No, I am physically fine. I…," my voice broke, and the pain at his loss came through. "Oh Erik, I missed you." I reached for his am again as if afraid he would disappear like the apparition he personified. "Erik, you received my notes, you know I wanted you." I needed to keep him. Unbidden the thought of just like he wanted to keep you. Was I no better than he? Was I refusing to respect his wishes, forcing my affection on him? A tear rolled down my check and I raised my hand to wipe my eyes.
His voice slowed and he looked away, "I am not worth missing. I am not good for you." Then he pulled away from me and walked to the fire place, turning his back to me and his fingers playing with the casket like boxes with the grasshopper and scorpion. "You needed..."
"I need you," I said, stretching my hand outward toward him.
He paced before the fireplace for a bit not looking at me. He turned his one hand clasped in the other, as if to keep from reaching out to me. "Why does my Angel even want me?" he asked, his eyes searching to understand me.
I twisted the edge of the blanket, recalling the last time I was here and the feelings of anger and disappointment were suddenly so palpable "I know I asked for the break, Erik. You hurt me. You made it so hard to love you."
He fully faced me, "You have every right to be upset, my Angel, I am a monster. I abhor my selfish behavior and treatment of you."
I looked at him, the man before me was not one of the stage actors I admired. He had been abused, the blame for such ill treatment resting on his face. Yet I had seen parts of him that transcended my predetermined caricature of him. He was a human with desires and needs. And I had seen a side of him so full of wonder, thoughtfulness, and music that was tempered with fear of the world above. I believe it was his fear that drove him to be so selfish before.
I hesitated, unsure how to tell him. "I have had this image of you in my head, that you were perfect." He reached his hand to his mask as his shoulders collapsed and he shrunk inward. "And my perfect image of you had nothing to do with your physical features, of which I care not what you look like. No Erik, I saw you as perfect in all the other ways, your voice, music, genius, and consideration for me. I had become so entranced by you that I had glossed over the dark side of you that could hurt others. I held you in such high regard that I struggled when you let me down, when you hurt me." I stood up, keeping the blankets around me as I walked to him, loath to see him distance himself from me. I reached my hand out to rest it on his shoulder blade. "I loved you so much that I didn't want you to be fallible"
"Don't love me," he said with resignation but I could see wet tracks upon his cheeks and progressing down the good side of his face that was presented to me.
"Pretenses aside, I see you, and I don't think I can stop loving you. It physically hurts to be without you," I said gesturing to my heart. "Life is not make believe, there are no happily ever after. There are journeys with challenges and choices."
He remained with his head bent slightly down and his hands gripping the mantle's edge. I took my right hand and began to stroke his back in an effort to comfort him. Oh how I missed his physical presence.
"If you let me back into my life I may disappoint you and hurt you again. You are better off without me. All I thought of was you, when would I see you again, when would we sing again. The more time we had together, the more of you I needed. And then I hurt you, the person I love, I hurt because... I wanted you. I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"You have changed, Erik by your own admission." I stilled my hand on his back.
"I will never change enough. There is something in me that is not normal, that is broken."
I reached my hand to stroke his check. "Perhaps it is enough for me that you have changed this much. I have to accept that you are human and you will make mistakes but that you are trying. I am trying to understand this time that makes me feel stifled, and forced to not be myself. I am human, and making mistakes. There is no set of directions on how to make this life work. I have been learning much of this time that challenges my beliefs." My fingertips had reached near his lips and I stopped shy of them and brought my hand back to his left forearm.
"But with you Erik, I feel the most myself because you have been here for me. You have been a good friend, pushing me to excel. I never thought I could truly sing, but you pulled that out of me. I have done things with you I never had the courage to try. How could I not love you for the support you have given me? And I hope that I have been a good friend in kind. I want you to find happiness in life. I worry that I am not enough for you, that you will wake up one morning, needing Christine and I can never be her. Yet, I selfishly want you. It has been so difficult without you. My heart aches and my soul yearns for you. I have never felt like this for another, in any time. I choose you if you will choose me." and I tugged on his arm pulling him to turn and face me. "I love you."
I reached my arm up right arm up and around his neck to pull his head to my level. His eyes glistened, with awe and wonder, as I boldly kissed him on his malformed lips.
Then the air was pushed out of me as I found myself pulled tightly to his lean form. "Oh, I love you so. I can't lose you. I do not deserve you but I need you," and he set me down and his lips descended upon mine and I returned his desire, pressing my lips to his.
Then perhaps I shocked him but I opened my mouth, my tongue searching to taste him. He responded in kind and I reached my arms up around his neck, loath to end the kiss. I pushed off his mask. Feathering kisses across his face while holding his head to mine. One of his hands wrapped around my neck tilting my head up while his lips found mine. His thick lips pulled at mine. His other arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me tight to him. I felt so desired, wanted, and loved. His hand had moved from my neck to the side of my head as his fingers threaded through strands of my hair. I felt a warmth spread throughout my body as we tasted each other. The blanket had slipped to my shoulders and he left my lips to meander about my face, my neck and then my ears, I sighed as he held me close. Finally we parted, his lips were swollen but his eyes were full of yearning.
He stepped back, "Forgive me. I was overcome." The fingers of his left hand tapped upon his thigh. I blushed, realizing how forward I had been with him. I pulled the blanket back up around my neck while I felt my heart thudding loudly within my chest.
"I have missed you so much. What made you seek me?" His eyes searched mine.
"Carlotta" I said, noting his change of topic. Talk of Carlotta would certainly change our mood.
A look of surprise appeared on his face. "Wait, is my Angel jealous of a certain Prima Donna?"
"No, but I did find it curious that you choose to help Carlotta," I replied.
"It was your idea really," he said.
"My idea, how?" I asked.
He pulled a scrap of paper from his pocket. It looked worse for wear having been folded and refolded countless times. He read, "Carlotta does not deserve your mistreatment. One abuse does not excuse another. Your words, one abuse does not excise another have sat heavy on my heart as I have worked to atone for my sins. I never dreamed that you would take me back Angel. I only ever hoped for a renewal of our friendship. I truly do not deserve your affection."
"You have my love Erik. When you didn't respond to my notes I tried to do as you asked, to move on. Forgive me Erik, but I even said yes to Raoul courting me."
He raised his arms, opening his hands palm up as he gestured and began to pace. "I know my dear. Even though I gave you space to live your life does not mean I did not have ears to hear the gossip about the soprano understudy and the young Vicomte. He even took you to dine with his family. He truly wants to marry you and not to make you his mistress." He stopped pacing, turning to face me. "Are you sure you don't want the good kind boy? He would not hurt you as I have," he said his hand touching my face.
I looked up at him, my hands were fisted around the blanket at my neck holding it in place as I responded. "I know that Raoul is good and kind. I just don't feel the same for him that I do you. And his family would not welcome and accept me as he does. When I met them I found them to be cold and judgmental. You forget I am not from this time and so for me I would find the environment extremely restrictive."
"I cannot believe you think me a better choice than the Vicomte. He is young, handsome and more suitable."
"Perhaps, but my feelings toward him are friendship, like that of a brother." I tried to think If he had a similar relationship in his life. "Are you not friends with the Girys?"
"Maybe, We have a mutually beneficial relationship and I do not wish Antoinette or Meg harm. I know that they will help me and I will help them. They respect my privacy so I suppose they are friends."
"When I was with Raoul, I kept wishing he were you and wondering what you would say or do in his stead. I do not love him in the way he wants just as you are not in love with Antoinette."
"I am blessed and humbled that your good soul would want my darkened one," he said, as a hint of a smile appeared on his face.
"But I believe in redemption and forgiveness." I said. " You once asked me what it would take for me to know you have changed. "Honestly if you can convince Carlotta you are her Angel of Music for no other reason than to help her to have a better voice and to be a better person I have my evidence."
"I want you to be amiable to Carlotta, my dear. I found her to be a kindred soul."
"Whatever do you mean Erik?"
"My Angel, you and I threatened her livelihood with your voice. She has been a soprano for many seasons now, actually she and I might be closer in age than you and I." He realized aloud.
"Erik, you are defending her?" I asked, looking at him in surprise.
He looked down at me, " I suppose I am. I understand what it means to fight to survive." He replied. "She has been scarred and I was a beast to torture her more, driving her to desperate acts to keep her spot."
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