AN: Tissue warning!

Chapter 5

"What's the best and worst gift you can give someone?

Memories"

Amarish Chandrahas


I have no idea how far I've driven or how much time has passed, but soon the subtle trembles moving through my body turn into powerful shakes and my vision begins to blur as tears stream down my face. The meltdown I've been waiting for ever since I received the news, has finally reached its breaking point and I am no longer able to keep it at bay. Pulling over, I heave for breath as sob after sob rolls through my body. Clinging to the steering wheel, I allow each and every one of those memories that I've desperately tried to keep under lock and key, rise to the surface.

My Mom's infectious laughter as she tended to the goats… My Dad's peaceful expression as he looked out upon corn fields… The brisk air that hit me in the face every morning as I ran out to do my morning chores. The warmth in my Mom's tight hugs. The pride I felt whenever my Dad said "Well done!"

Leaning my head against the headrest, I place the palms of my hands over my eyes and mouth, feeling the vibrations of my cries and the sharp air of my heaving breath against my skin. Yes, my father had been a nasty drunk, especially during my teen-years, but I had been wrong to bury the good memories behind the bad ones. Deep regret and overwhelming guilt expands in my chest, threatening to explode. A powerful wave of nausea rolls through me and I feel a rush of water fill my mouth, a tell-tale sign of what's to come. Tearing open my door, I lean my head out the door just in time for the first surge of vomit to flow out of my mouth. Clinging to the door, I hold on as wave after wave washes over me as I continue to empty my stomach until there isn't anything left.

Heaving for breath, I wait to see if the nausea has truly passed before closing the door. My hair sticks to my sweaty skin and I feel disgusting. Pulling my backpack from the back seat, I rummage around it for a second before I'm able to find both a small towel, a stick of gum and half of a water bottle. Using the towel and a little bit of water to wash my face and rinse my mouth, before I drink the remainder of the water and then begin chewing some gum. Sniffling, find some tissues and clear my nose. My eyes feel sore and swollen, but the tears have slowed down and the nausea is gone. Placing my backpack onto the front seat next to me, I feel my eyes shift and fall onto that crisp, white envelope. Blowing air into cheeks like a balloon before releasing it, I reach over and take it into my hands. Studying it for a moment, I trace the curvy lines of my name, recognizing my mother's handwriting immediately. Once again my eyes fill with tears and I'm forced to look away for a moment before I feel I'm able to continue.

With unsteady hands, I open the envelope, pulling out two thick letters. One from each of my parents. Pursing my lips, I inhale deeply before exhaling steadily as I do my very best to calm my nerves. Deciding it better to just get it over with, I slowly begin to read the one with my Dad's squabbily handwriting.

My Dearest Daughter,

If you're reading this, it means that I have failed and for that I am truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time and change the way I reacted when you came to us for help. I know words cannot make amends for the hurt we caused you, myself in particular, but believe me when I say that losing you will always be my greatest regret. You were the sunshine in our lives, Lei-lei, and every day without you has been bleak in comparison.

Losing you forced me to make a choice. I stopped drinking, kiddo. I haven't touched a drop since you left. Everyday is a struggle, but I'm determined to be a better Dad for you. A man you can look up to and be proud of again.

Tears flow steadily down my cheeks, blurring my vision yet again as the lump in my throat grows painful. Closing my eyes for a second, it's almost as though I can hear his voice in my ear.

The farm is doing really well. I've partnered up with this incredibly talented boy… well, man really. He's a great guy who is enthusiastic and is able to see the farm's full potential. I'm so grateful that he entered our lives, Leah. You'd like him, I know it. I guess all I can really ask of you, is to give him a chance. Once you get to know him, you'll see why he's become so dear to us.

Now, I know you might not be interested in moving back home, so you do have my blessing to sell, however I need to ask you one single favor. Give Paul a chance to buy the shares from you. He might need some time to figure out a way to buy you out, but the kid is resourceful and honest as they come. Perhaps in the meantime you could stay at the house? Get reacquainted with your home before you give it up?I honestly don't mean to pressure you, Lei-lei, I just like the idea of you coming home, regardless if we're there to welcome or not.

The idea of never seeing you again cuts deep, kid and I pray that you can find it in you to forgive us and that in doing so you're able to find peace. I've always loved you, Leah, even though I wasn't the best at showing it. And I will continue to love you even after my heart stops beating. To the moon and back, remember?

Take care of yourself, Sunshine.

Dad

§§§

I cry and cry until I have absolutely no tears left. Watching the sun set, I try to figure out my next move, but my brain is completely fried. My mother's letter is safely tucked back into the envelope for safe keeping. Reading my Dad's letter has been enough for one day and I know I'll need time to process and deal with my reactions to it. Glancing around, I realize that the sun is quickly setting and it won't be long before night casts the world around me in darkness. Feeling exhaustion spread through me in both body and soul, I realize that driving back to Seattle is no longer an option. Still holding my Dad's letter, I allow my eyes to trail across his words. Sighing albeit reluctantly, I make up my mind, wondering for a second if I've lost my mind. Tucking my Dad's letter back into the envelope, I turn on the ignition and make a U-turn, heading back to Forks.

With my heart in my chest and my emotions raw, I decide that it's time I return home.