34. Three Weird Conversations
Remus didn't know what to do.
He was torn between right and not right. It wasn't wrong, it was just not right. But how much he wanted 'not right' wasn't even comparable to anything he had ever experienced before.
Right was the best option. It had to be. That's why it was right.
But why didn't he want what was right?
Because, for one of the first times in his life, Remus wanted what was not right more than he knew that right was the best option. It was too overpowering. He couldn't get enough of her.
But not now.
He needed to get her out of his head, just for the moment, just for a few hours. He needed to meet Dumbledore right now.
The door opened and Remus walked into Dumbledore's study, a place he had been all too many times before, both whilst his Hogwarts years, and afterwards. Though the school year was over, Dumbledore had asked Remus to meet him in his study.
Dumbledore was there, sitting at his desk, watching Remus intently. "Good morning, Remus."
"Good morning, Professor," Remus responded cordially. "You called?"
"Yes, indeed," Dumbledore said, fingering his chin. "I needed you to deliver a file to Mr. Garrick Ollivander, on Diagon Alley, I daresay you know who he is?"
"Yes, Professor," Remus replied dutifully. "What does this file entail?"
"It contains a number of details about possible wand theft," Dumbledore explained. "Since Lord Voldemort is back, we need to be on high alert. The entire wizarding world, not just the Order."
Remus nodded. "I understand. Is there anything else I should do?"
"Once you have delivered the file, meet the designated Order member in the Leaky Cauldron," Dumbledore said simply. "Tell him or her that you have delivered the file and that he or she should begin their task."
Dumbledore was peculiar like this at times. It was such an easy task; surely there was something else he needed?
"Incidentally," the headmaster continued, and Remus knew that this was the reason he had been summoned, "I heard about your relationship with Nymphadora."
Remus didn't know what to say. That's nice? Oh, did you? How much have you heard about it?
Instead, he settled on, "Who told you?"
Dumbledore smiled knowingly. "It isn't that hard to notice, Remus, especially as of late. I did happen to notice the furtive glances you've been stealing of each other during Order meetings. And Alastor told me you dropped by to visit her in St. Mungo's. Not to mention what I have heard from Molly. Very touching, actually."
Remus sighed. Had Dumbledore just been keenly observing the Order to see if anyone was secretly in love with each other, or were they just that obvious?
"Thank you, Professor," Remus replied stiffly. "But you should know that we aren't… together."
"What do you mean?" queried Dumbledore, raising an eyebrow.
"Professor, surely you know that it isn't practical for my kind to be involved in relationships. I don't want her to be endangered or stigmatized because of her association with me," Remus explained as politely as he could. The number of times he had to say it was overwhelming.
"Ah, Remus," Dumbledore stated insightfully, "you will find you ought to be a bit more selfish."
Remus wasn't sure he heard right. "What?"
"You ought to be more selfish," Dumbledore repeated. "This is an act of selflessness, sacrificing your love so she will be happy. But do you realize that she won't be happy without you?"
This was exactly the kind of thing he expected Dumbledore to say. Nevertheless, he was taken by surprise.
"She'll get over it," Remus replied tersely, though it felt like a dozen daggers were being implanted into him as he said it. "She'll get over me."
Dumbledore scrutinized him gravely. "Remus, I urge you to reconsider. I think- and you will find that many others will agree with me on this- that you deserve a chance to be happy. Unfortunately, not many will find you throughout your life, due to your lycanthropy. But here is a golden opportunity. If you let this pass, another may never come again. You're pushing away your own chance of happiness because you think it won't work. But it's the best you're going to get, Remus, so just accept it."
Remus shook his head. "If it was a matter of what I wanted, Dumbledore, I would've taken her long ago. But it's just as much a matter of what she wants; more importantly, what she deserves. She deserves so much better than me."
Dumbledore sighed. "Ultimately, it's your decision to make; however, I will impart with you one last piece of advice. If you choose not to pursue a relationship with her, keep in mind that you will be snatching love from her. Remember that, Remus."
Oh, so he was playing the guilt card now? Like he wasn't guilty enough already.
"Yes, Professor," Remus responded rigidly.
Dumbledore sighed. "Very well, then." He handed Remus a file. "In that case, please deliver this to Mr. Ollivander."
Remus accepted the file. "Thank you."
As he made to leave, Dumbledore spoke. "Remus?"
"Yes, headmaster?"
"Do not loathe yourself so much that it becomes impossible to recover from it," Dumbledore said softly. "You are a good man, and Nymphadora knows that. You may not have realized it, but that is what she sees in you. And I hope that you too, will realize it one day, before it is too late."
Remus didn't know what to say to that. He stared at the headmaster, who had come all the way to Hogwarts, as well as made him journey all this way, just to tell him that he should get together with Tonks.
"Okay," he replied mechanically, and with a polite nod, he was out the door.
It was cloudy.
The overcast sky of periwinkle and grey loomed over Remus, as he navigated his way to Diagon Alley, the file tucked safely inside his robes. He tried his hardest not to think about her, her loving smile, the feel of her hair against his face, the tantalisingly short dress she had worn at Molly's party, and the desires it had fuelled…
Enough of that, he chided himself. A relationship with her is unrealistic. Thinking about her will only make it worse.
Remus strode down Diagon Alley, which was, despite the weather, bustling as always. There were many people flocking in and out of shops, or talking to each other, or enjoying an ice cream at Florean Fortescue's, or gazing at the Quidditch items on display, their mouths drooping, or leisurely sipping from a drink at the Leaky Cauldron, or various other things. He took the entrance through the Leaky Cauldron, though he didn't see anyone from the Order there. He assumed that they would be arriving shortly.
So Remus made his way towards Ollivanders, which was likely the only shop in Diagon Alley without any visitors; it was faded and dull as always, the gold peeling off of the shop display at the front. Because school wouldn't start for another few months, the usual crowd that might once have been present was not, and it seemed that nobody was in urgent need of a new wand at the moment. Remus cautiously stepped inside, taking care not to hit any of the shelves, which would no doubt send thousands of wands flying in various directions. He wondered how Tonks got around this place without sending the entire shop in a frantic mess.
No. He couldn't think about her now.
He took a minute to calm himself down, for the vortex of thoughts swirling around him to settle back again. When he decided that he could hold a successful conversation without random thoughts of Tonks popping into his head, he swiftly walked over to the desk, where Ollivander was sitting, finely crafting a new wand. As Remus cleared his throat, the wandmaker looked up, surprised; clearly, he hadn't expected to have visitors.
"Good afternoon, sir," Ollivander squaked. "What can I do for you?"
"Good afternoon, Mr. Ollivander," Remus replied politely. "Actually, I've come to deliver something to you from Professor Dumbledore."
He drew the file neatly from his robes and handed it to Ollivander, who accepted it gingerly.
"What is this for?" asked Ollivander hoarsely.
"I haven't actually looked through it," Remus explained, "but I was told that it contains prevention measures for wand theft."
"Wand theft?" he croaked.
"Wand theft," Remus affirmed patiently. "Lord Voldemort is back, and a lot of people are going to be rushing here soon for wands. As some people are not allowed to buy wands, and therefore will ultimately resort to theft, Professor Dumbledore feels it is his duty to provide you with measures of prevention of wand theft, should you ever need them."
Ollivander flipped through the silky pages cautiously. "Th-thank you."
Remus nodded. "Of course. Do you need anything else?"
The wandmaker shook his head slowly. "No, thank you."
"That shall suffice, then," Remus replied briskly. "Good day."
And as Ollivander feebly croaked "Good-bye," he had left the shop.
Almost done.
He had to get to the Leaky Cauldron, tell the person there that they could begin their task, and then he could go back home.
It wasn't like Remus didn't enjoy doing tasks for the Order. On the contrary, he felt useful, valuable, like he could actually do something and make a difference. He was eternally grateful for Dumbledore, who, despite all of his faults, had carved this pathway for him to ensure that Remus did not follow the path that most other werewolves did.
But surely there was more that he could do? Surely this wasn't it, either? Had Dumbledore- a shiver ran down his spine at the thought- set him up with Tonks to meet her here?
And as he ran into the woman who had been walking towards him, he thought for a second that he had, indeed, been set up, for Nymphadora Tonks, though she could change her appearance, looked strikingly similar to her mother.
Andromeda Tonks.
"Sorry," he managed.
She looked into his face, relief flooding through her face when she recognized him. "Remus. How are you?"
"Fine," he replied nonchalantly, though his heart was beating rapidly. Exactly how much did she know about her daughter's relationship with him?
"Good to hear," Andromeda responded briskly. "What are you doing here, all alone?"
"Order business," he said evasively.
She nodded in understanding. "I see." She, no doubt, knew of the Order from her daughter. Her very lovely daughter…
Oh, no. No, Remus Lupin. You can think about her any other time, but not right in front of her mother.
"Right," he said cordially, unsure of what else to say. "I'll be going…"
"Wait."
The tone was firm, but not cold. It was solid and steady.
She knew.
But what did she know? There was so much going on between Remus and Tonks at the moment, and it was very possible that she didn't know everything.
And that was good, because Remus didn't want her to know everything.
When Remus Lupin thought of Andromeda Tonks, he thought of Sirius's cousin, not Nymphadora's mother. The woman who would tease Sirius when the Marauders went over to her place for tea, not the woman who would likely disapprove of his relationship with her daughter. Because he had always thought of her as Sirius's cousin, she had never before seemed menacing to him. Now, however, she was the mother of the girl he loved. And Merlin, it was terrifying.
"Yes?" He tried to keep his tone civil, polite, and he tried his best not to panic.
"You love my daughter."
Yes, there was a lot going on between them, but if it was to be summed up in one sentence, it was exactly what Andromeda had just stated. And he had no idea what he was supposed to say.
"Yes."
"Are you both engaged in a relationship?"
"No."
He had hoped that she wouldn't ask. He had hoped that she would have just let it go, leave it alone. He didn't want to have to tell Andromeda that he wasn't the right man for Tonks, but surely she would understand that.
"Why not?"
What did she want to hear? Did she want them to be together or not? Remus had no idea what kind of connotation her questions held, and, if he was being honest with himself, he didn't know what he wanted her to mean.
"We're thinking things through," he answered slowly, choosing his words carefully. "We haven't made a decision yet."
Andromeda nodded, though her eyes were still observing him closely.
"Has Nymphadora told you?" he asked cautiously.
"Vaguely," she responded. "A few nights ago, she dropped in to talk to her father and me. Your name came up in the conversation."
Oh Merlin.
"She didn't say anything much about you, but I know my Nymphadora. She can hide her facial expressions from the world, Ted included, but she can't hide them from me."
The butterflies were back. She had particular facial expressions when he was discussed. Remus could never have envisioned that he would ever be falling so hard for someone in his life.
She eyed him suspiciously. "I know you, Remus. I know that you're going to pull away from her because you want to protect her. But Nymphadora has been incomparably happy as of late, and I know that you have a great deal to do with it. And if anything happens to my daughter's happiness, I will make sure that I find you, Remus Lupin."
"Andromeda," he began, his voice hoarse, "I don't want to hurt your daughter. She means more to me than you could ever imagine. But I'm closer to your age than I am to hers, Andromeda, and… my lycanthropy. I don't want to endanger her, and I don't want her to be stigmatized. People are going to talk, she could lose her job… I don't want that to happen. There are better people in the world who she could love. People who have more to offer."
She looked like she could slap him, and it was not what he was expecting. "Don't you care about my daughter?"
Remus was taken aback. "Of course I do."
"Then? Why won't you understand how happy she is when she's with you? Why won't you understand that if you reject my daughter, you're hurting her?"
The words pierced him like a heart-wrenching knife stabbing at his soul. That was the last thing he wanted to do: to hurt her. But he would hurt her more if he was in a relationship with her, wouldn't he?
Andromeda continued, in a more measured tone, "I understand if you don't want to be with her if it isn't what you want. But don't plunge her into depression because you think she deserves better."
"Okay," he whispered hoarsely.
She nodded. "Have a nice day."
He gave her a small smile as she brushed past him to get to another shop.
What a nightmare this was. He needed to get to the Leaky Cauldron fast so he could get home before his mind exploded.
Remus walked briskly down the street, entering the Leaky Cauldron, glancing around to find any Order member there. And when he saw who the designated Order member was, he wanted to scream.
Nobody could make his headache worse except Severus Snape.
"Lupin," Snape drawled, approaching him lazily from across the pub. "I've been waiting."
"Yeah, sorry," he replied, though he was quickly losing his patience. "I was held up."
Snape's upper lip curled, but he made no comment.
"I'm supposed to tell you that you may begin in carrying out whatever task was assigned to you," Remus responded shortly.
"Oh, I know," Snape replied impatiently.
"Then what are you waiting for?" Remus asked.
"I heard that you're in love with one of our Order."
Remus was done with it. He was just sick and tired of people prodding into his personal business. His personal life. He didn't go nosing through other people's lives, so why were they doing that to his? Who was Severus Snape to interfere with his love life?
"Okay?" Remus asked. "So?" He decided using the casual route was probably the best right now, even though his patience was running low.
Snape's mouth twisted into a sneer. "I didn't notice the two of you indulging in any sort of affection or conversation during the last few Order meetings, I might add."
"So?" Remus repeated. "That doesn't mean that we're compelled to indulge in extravagant displays of public affection during Order meetings."
"Incidentally," Snape continued, making no indication that he had heard him, "I heard that you two are not involved in a relationship. Is that so?"
"Why do you care?" he snapped. "What do you care about my love interest? Why does it matter to you?"
"I've just been wondering," Snape replied calmly. "Well, Lupin, before I go, I'll impart with you my advice. The last thing we need in the Order is another rift. Don't pretend, Lupin. While you were under the impression that Nymphadora was a spy, there was definitely… tension."
He slurred the words together in a way only Snape could pull off. Remus took a deep breath before he said something he could regret.
"Your point being?"
"My point being," Snape continued silkily, "that you should hurry up and take her. I don't want her moping around over you, or the other way around, as a matter of fact, during Order meetings."
"How dare you?" Remus whispered. "How dare you assume that she would mope around after me? How dare you belittle her- belittle women- like that?"
"All I'm saying, Lupin, is that I don't want your unsolved relationship to be a problem for the Order. Hurry up and solve it already, because we don't need the unnecessary tension."
Without waiting for a response, he whipped around and swept out of the Leaky Cauldron, his cloak billowing behind him.
A very irate Remus Lupin stormed back to Grimmauld Place, where he found himself alone in the kitchen; Sirius was presumably upstairs, feeding Buckbeak. Remus made his way to his room, taking care to close the door quietly so that Sirius wouldn't feel compelled to come check on him.
Three people that day had spoken to him about his relationship with Tonks. All three of them had advised him to take it forward, to allow himself to be with her, all three for different reasons. One believed in his love, and thought Remus deserved a chance at happiness. Another believed that her daughter deserved the happiness she was getting because of him. The last believed that their relationship would benefit the Order.
Why wouldn't anyone understand that it wasn't practical? If she was involved in a relationship with him, then she could risk losing her job. Umbridge wouldn't like it. Scrimgeour wouldn't like it. And Remus knew how much her job meant to her. She shouldn't have to choose between what she loved and… whom she loved.
Whom she loved. It was still unreal, like a dream he could wake up from any moment. Such a fantastic woman who had given him her heart. The same woman whom he loved, with whom he wanted to be forever.
Remus was lucky, he knew. Most werewolves never had a chance at friends, let alone love. And he had attained both already. But it wasn't right to burden Tonks with his condition. It was his condition, and he didn't want to subject others to it as much as he could help it.
A part of him was tempted to blame Greyback. It was all Greyback's fault that Tonks couldn't have who she loved, that he had to pull away. If he had not been a werewolf, he would've waved aside the age difference and taken her long ago.
But he also knew that was utter rubbish. He was the one pulling away, not Greyback. Greyback had left the impact, but Remus was still the one making the decisions. And ultimately, if he chose to leave her, then it would be entirely his fault.
He had gone to Sirius enough. He needed a different perspective on this entire relationship, a different viewpoint on what was right, a different stance on what to do.
What would James and Lily have done?
A/N: The title says it all! Coming up is another of my personal favorites, in which Remus and Tonks have their last guard duty together! Stay tuned for chapter 35!
"Don't hate yourself so much that it becomes impossible to recover." I adapted this into this chapter ("Do not loathe yourself so much that it becomes impossible to recover from it", by Dumbledore), except I changed around the wording a bit. At the end of the day, though, this quote belongs to Kabir Mittal.
JILY + REMADORA = CHAOS! By far one of the MOST exciting things I've ever written! Mark your calendars, because it's coming out right after A Tale of Two Smiles is published! It's epic long, and it has so much to keep you entertained! Keep your eyes out for it!
And finally, you amazing reviewers and readers and followers and favoriters out there, this story is dedicated to you. I hope you've been enjoying it! I love you guys so much and I'm so thankful to have such an amazing following. :)
