CHAPTER 40

Three days later:

Since waking up, Steve had spent more time asleep than awake. Doctor Palamo had assured the team that it was normal and it would take some time for Steve's body to come back online after being 'asleep' for so long. In the meantime, any small movement would be exhausting for Steve. Especially with the twice-daily physiotherapy sessions to help him regain muscle mass.

In all the periods in which Steve was awake, he hadn't spoken once. Doctor Palamo thought that was because his brain was still trying to wake up. Danny had a theory that it had more to do with what Steve had experienced during his captivity. The torture alone would mess anyone up, even someone as strong and resilient as Steve. Everyone had their breaking point.

Each time Steve woke up, it was for longer periods of time. Each time Steve opened his eyes, there was an expression of hope on his face. When his eyes focused on one of the team, that expression changed to one they couldn't identify.

Today, it was Kono's turn to sit with Steve. Her shift started like any other. She announced herself and then sat with a book, waiting for Steve to resurface. As she came to the end of the chapter, she heard a rustling sound. Kono looked up and tried to identify the source of the sound.

Steve's eyes were moving rapidly under his closed lids. His head was moving slightly from side to side. He was having a nightmare, Kono decided.

"Steve?" she called.

Steve mumbled incomprehensibly in response. Kono looked up at the monitors, noticing Steve's heart rate had increased. Whatever was going on inside his head had him stressed.

"Steve! Wake up!" Kono said loudly.

She knew better than to touch him. She had seen Danny's face after he had woken Steve from a nightmare. She really didn't want to have to explain the bruises to Steve later and have him feeling guilty.

"Ari…" Steve muttered. "No…Ari."

"Come on, Steve. It's just a nightmare. Please wake up," Kono almost begged Steve.

Steve's eyes shot open suddenly as he gasped for air. His eyes roamed uneasily over the room until he saw Kono. He tried to sit up, but his arms shook underneath him. Kono went ahead and pushed the button on the bed until Steve was in a sitting position.

Steve avoided Kono's eyes as he tried to get his breathing under control. It took him a few minutes before his heart rate was back in a normal range.

"Thanks, Kono," he mumbled quietly while continuing to keep his gaze averted.

"Of course," Kono replied, matter of fact.

She didn't let on how excited she was to hear his voice, even if it was hoarse from disuse. Kono watched closely as his eyes fluttered closed in exhaustion. She settled back into her chair, expecting him to go back to sleep.

Almost as soon as his eyes closed, they opened again in fear. Steve looked over at Kono, as though making sure she was still there and that he hadn't imagined her.

"Not dead?" Steve rasped.

Kono shook her head. "No. Not dead…You're very much alive. So are Chin and Danny. We are very real."

Steve blinked at her, his eyes bright. Kono saw the vacant expression on his face before he turned his head away from her. His breathing increased, becoming faster and faster. Kono stood up and went over to the bed.

"Steve?" she asked out of concern.

"Ari?" Steve's voice shook with emotion.

Kono shook her head. She had no idea what he was talking about. What shocked her the most were the tears streaming down Steve's face.

Alarms started blaring and the next thing Kono knew, she was being shoved outside Steve's room.


Steve awoke suddenly. As he returned to reality, the images forced upon him by his nightmares faded into the background. Still there, but no longer real. He finally identified that annoying beeping sound as the heart monitor. He looked around, searching for a threat, something to explain why his heart felt like it was about to beat out of his chest.

Instead, he saw Kono standing next to him. He relaxed instantly and tried to sit up. He hated the fact his arms didn't have the strength to support his own weight. He felt the bed changing position behind him and knew Kono must have done something to help him sit up. He tried to regain his composure and normalise his breathing as the itchy feeling of paranoia subsided steadily.

"Thanks, Kono," he said without looking at her. He felt ashamed at being so weak.

"Of course," he heard Kono reply.

Steve closed his eyes, but opened them a second later. Kono was still there.

"Not dead?" he asked in a gravelly voice. Was that really his voice?

"No. Not dead…You're very much alive. So are Chin and Danny. We are very real."

He turned away from her. He couldn't face her, but he didn't know why. He couldn't even explain to himself why he didn't want her to be there, to be alive. Because if she was alive, then so was he. And that meant…what?

He couldn't remember. Why was the fact he was alive so distressing?

The last thing he clearly remembered was…he didn't know. There were flashes, but nothing concrete. Nothing to explain how he had landed himself in the hospital. Nothing that explained the sorrow enveloping his heart.

Steve closed his eyes and tried to identify the last thing he could remember. He knew he had an argument with Danny. Was that why he wasn't sitting at his side right now? No, he didn't think so. He couldn't remember what the argument was about, but he felt like they had made up.

There was a case. Something about it…it was connected somehow. It was related to the Navy, he remembered that much. Had he been working for the Navy? Had he been on a mission?

Fire.

He remembered fire, bright and orange. Was he involved in an explosion? Is that why Chin and Danny weren't here? Where were they? Were they okay? Yes, Kono said they were. She wouldn't lie to him. Would she?

He remembered the world spinning around him, with flashes of green and brown. Trees? The memory disappeared so quickly that Steve wondered if he just imagined it. It was so confusing and disconcerting. His mind couldn't latch onto anything significant to explain his current predicament.

Suddenly, he remembered a face. It looked familiar, but also wasn't. The sadness in the young boy's eyes tugged at Steve's heart. He should know this boy. The next image that surfaced was the boy lying on the ground, his head at an unnatural angle.

Steve was startled from his fragmented memories when he felt something wet on his face.

Tears, he realised.

He was crying. Why was he crying?

"Steve?" Kono's concerned voice interrupted his internal dialogue.

"Ari?" Steve asked her, his voice tight with unfounded emotion.

Steve tried to swallow down the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him as Kono shook her head. He turned away from her again. He couldn't face her, not now.

He couldn't breathe. He tried, but he just couldn't get any air in.

He had failed. He had gotten Ari killed. He hadn't been able to keep his promise. He had let Ari get hurt. Nazeef had laughed when he snapped his own son's neck.

How did Nazeef even find Ari?

Did I lead him to Ari?

Why aren't I dead?

Why was I so weak?

Why didn't I stop him?

All his thoughts swirled together as his vision whited out. He didn't realise how fast he was breathing as the panic gripped him in a vicious hold. He could hear faint voices, but he couldn't make out any words or even place the person speaking. His entire world was collapsing around him, disorienting him.

'Maybe I will get to see Ari now,' was his last thought as his eyes rolled into the back of his head.


Kono stood in the hallway outside Steve's room, her hands holding her arms, hugging herself tightly as she tried not to pace. She had no idea what had just happened. One second, she was talking to Steve, the next, he was hyperventilating and then the doctors rushed in to see what was happening.

That had been ten minutes ago.

Never in her left had she seen Steve cry. Steve had always been a rock, someone of solid foundation. At least, until Fuentes came along and started hacking away at it. Then Nazeef came along to finish the job. Kono knew if she were in Steve's place, she would have broken long ago.

She thought about what Steve had asked her. Who was Ari? And why was Steve so concerned about them?

She didn't have long to ponder her question when Doctor Palamo emerged from Steve's room. He looked harried and extremely exhausted, but not like he was about to deliver bad news. Kono took that as a good sign and immediately rushed up to him.

"How is he? What happened? Is he going to be okay?" she asked, peppering the doctor with her questions.

"He's going to be fine. He just had a panic attack. He started hyperventilating, which stopped air from entering his lungs and he passed out from a lack of oxygen. Given his weakened state, it didn't take much for his body to become overloaded. He needs to stay calm until he is stronger," the doctor answered calmly and professionally.

Kono nodded as she took in the information.

"Do you have any idea what caused this?" Doctor Palamo asked.

"Not really. He asked about us, if we were okay. Then…he…he started crying and he was breathing really fast. I tried talking to him, but it was like he couldn't hear me," Kono answered while trying not to cry herself.

"It's possible he was recalling the events from his time in…captivity. That could have caused his agitated state," Doctor Palamo suggested.

"Maybe," Kono replied thoughtfully.

"He will probably be asleep for the next couple of hours. I suggest you go home and get some rest. He will still be here when you get back," the doctor said.

Kono looked up at the doctor, as though startled by his presence. "Oh, sure."

Doctor Palamo frowned at Kono. He understood how distressing it was to see her friend in that state. He just hoped the Commander would come out the other side in one piece and that his team would also find a way to heal from the ordeal.

Kono felt the doctor's hand on her shoulder before he left. She looked up and watched him walking down the hallway before she made herself move back into Steve's room. She had to see for herself that Steve was actually okay and that the doctor wasn't trying to sugarcoat it.

She stood in the doorway and looked at her boss, resting peacefully on the hospital bed. There was an oxygen mask in the place of the nasal cannula, supplying him with oxygen. But he was breathing normally, not gasping like he had been earlier.

Whoever this Ari was, they were the key to all of this. If she could find them, she may finally get some answers. And maybe Steve could find some peace. He deserved at least that much.

With that in mind, she grabbed her phone and called the others.

It was time to find Ari.


Two days later:

Over the next couple of days, Steve had managed to stay awake for at least an hour at a time. His body was still exhausted, but his mind was not. Even when he was asleep, his rest was not peaceful. He appeared to be plagued by nightmares anytime he closed his eyes. When he awoke, he refused to talk about it. Or just talk in general.

Since his panic attack, Steve hadn't spoken once. While Steve was ordinarily a man of few words, he would normally ask at least a few questions either about the case or when he was getting out of the hospital. The complete absence of words coming from his mouth was highly unusual.

As his body got stronger every day, the team half-expected Steve to demand to go home, stating he could look after himself. Instead, Steve had meekly followed the doctor's orders to the letter. He had done his physical therapy without complaint. He had eaten the hospital food without a single comment. He had even taken pain medication without a fight.

That in itself was a sign to Danny. After his talk with Rodger Tillman about Steve's aversion to painkillers, he wondered why Steve was now willing to take them. Tillman had told Danny that for Steve to feel no pain was the equivalent of being dead in Steve's opinion.

Even Doctor Palamo had been concerned by the lack of response from his patient. There was no physical reason to explain it. In fact, Commander McGarrett had been healing very well, so the doctor assumed it was psychological. Normally, the Commander would be begging to be released from the hospital as soon as he felt even remotely strong enough or if there was something he felt needed his immediate attention. The usually stubborn man had been uncharacteristically quiet.

Danny sat in Steve's room, right next to Steve's bed. Steve's eyes were closed, but his entire body was tense. Danny knew he wasn't asleep, far from it. Danny had no idea how to get through to his best friend. They had just gotten him back, but now they still might lose him if this continued.

So, Danny resorted to the tried and tested methods; talking to his partner non-stop until he became so annoyed that he eventually agreed with whatever Danny said.

"I know you are not in a very talkative mood right now, Steve, so I will do the talking for both of us and you can just listen," Danny looked up at Steve's face, expecting to see some kind of reaction.

Nothing.

"I have a complaint to make…I think Kono has become almost an exact replica of you, our esteemed leader. I mean, it's beyond freaky. I know what you are going to say. What's wrong with that, Danny? I'll tell you what's wrong with that. One of you is enough. We don't need you rubbing off on the rookie."

"She wakes us up at the crack of dawn with so much energy, it's like she was plugged into the power outlet. You wouldn't know it, given she's almost late every single day, but that girl barely sleeps. Just like you. And what was with getting her to transfer all our files to a secure backup without telling us?" Danny flicked his eyes over to Steve, happy to note they were now open and glaring at Danny. "Yeah, Kono told us about that. I would have understood the 'techno-speak' perfectly, you putz."

"Then she channelled her inner you and created this ridiculous and ill thought-out plan. She went charging into this pub and dragged Jordan Kupahu out before knocking him unconscious with one punch!"

"Then Chin had the audacity, the audacity, to tell me that you may have also corrupted me. Just because I may have mentioned that Kupahu may need a little persuasion. Chin may also say something about me saying it was a good thing that you were rubbing off on Kono. I assure you, I said no such thing."

"I should also warn you that we may have used your living room as a makeshift rendition room." Danny looked up at Steve and noticed his expression had morphed into his typical aneurism face. "Since the Palace got burnt down, we didn't have access to our usual supplies, so we had to improvise. And because we were supposed to be dead, we couldn't exactly go to any of our own houses. We basically used your house as a temporary rendition room. Again, Kono's idea."

"I tell you what, it worked though. We got what we needed from the guy. It scared Kupahu enough. Don't worry, your house is still in its usual neat condition. We laid down some plastic before we did anything…Anyway, the point is that you should stop corrupting the rookie."

At that, Steve's eyebrows rose. Danny grinned at Steve unapologetically. Steve just turned his head away, all expressions wiped from his features. Danny slumped in his seat. He thought he might have gotten somewhere with that.

Danny sighed. "Look Steve. You need to stop blaming yourself for this. You were put in an impossible situation, and Nazeef knew it. You couldn't have stopped him, no matter what you did. You need to accept that you did the best you possibly could."

When Steve still didn't respond, Danny continued. "I know I've given you this talk before, so I'll try not to repeat myself too much. The reason you took on this mission in the first place was to stop Nazeef. You used all the information available to you and made the best possible decisions. You've faced Nazeef not once, but twice, in adverse conditions and come out the other side. Right now, though, you are stuck. You are wallowing in blame and guilt. You've taken everything on but not let anything go. If you don't, you will eventually explode."

"You've told me before how you don't enjoy killing people, how you feel it takes away your humanity. If you think for one second that you are anything like that bastard, then stop right now. I know you feel remorse for every person you have killed, good or bad. Nazeef…he was a different breed of monster. The people he manipulated and used had no chance. If you had known his plan from the start, sure, maybe you could have stopped him sooner but there's no point in dwelling on that. You are not responsible for the atrocious things that he did."

"You do the right thing, every time. You save the people that need to be saved, need to be protected. Hell, you've saved my daughter multiple times. That's what makes you human. That's what makes you the man I call my best friend."

Danny leaned back in his chair as he thought of what to say next. Now that he looked around at the room, he thought it looked a bit glum. There were no windows and the light emanating from the ceiling was dull at best. The walls were an off-white colour. It was very clinical.

Danny's phone vibrated. He quickly checked the message that had come through from Chin. Smiling, he quickly typed back a message before standing up.

"How do you feel about getting out of this room for a while?" Danny asked.

Steve didn't respond, or show that he had even heard Danny. Danny shook his head and grabbed the wheelchair from the corner of the room. Steve wasn't strong enough yet to walk for long periods of time on his own, hence the wheelchair. The nurses had said it was okay to take him out of the room for a while and that is exactly what Danny was planning to do.

"Come on, big guy," Danny said as he wheeled the chair next to Steve's bed.

Steve looked at the chair, then back at Danny, a questioning look in his eyes. Danny just shrugged and motioned for Steve to get into the chair. Steve levered himself carefully into the chair, mindful of his wrist and shoulder; a perplexed look was etched onto his face.

Danny steered Steve through the halls of Tripler until they reached the doors that led to the outdoor garden at the rear of the hospital. As soon as the doors opened, the fresh air hit both of the men and they inhaled the air greedily. The sun was high in the cloudless sky. Steve turned his face up to the sun, absorbing the rays of sunshine.

They sat in silence for a while, just enjoying being outside. The door behind them opened again, but they paid no attention to any of the other patrons.

"Steve?" an unfamiliar voice called out.

Steve sat up straight in the wheelchair. Something about the voice nagged at him, like he should know it. He turned his head slowly to see who the voice belonged to.

"Ari?"