WARNING - This covers dark themes, be conscious of what you're reading - if you're uncomfortableor sensitive please skip this and any further chapters you don't sit well with.

'Insecurities are what make us human.'

Really? Then why do I feel like less of a human whenever I look at myself in the mirror? Why do I feel like going back to bed as soon as I wake up because I know I won't be doing anything productive?

Another day gone, another day wasted.

I don't remember waking up this morning and I don't even know why. There's not much to do when you feel like the colour of the sky when it's been raining, pale white and slate grey with not much colour to begin with. Or maybe you just feel like the embodiment of white noise - you're neither here nor there, just a mix of random noises and sounds where nothing is clear and everything just sort of clashes.

Do you want to know something? I was supposed to kill myself yesterday. There I was, two days before, recording another voice log to keep up my newly found outlet of emotions. I don't even know why I started doing that to be honest - I guess it was because I didn't write down what I felt anymore because you can't really write down when you hesitate or pause or stutter. I mean you could, but it wouldn't make any sense yet there I go procrastinating again.Me: 01, deteriorating mental stability: 00.

Funny isn't it? The whole idea of procrastination itself. Not doing something when you said you would and whatnot. Like, do you think we would procrastinate less if we just what needed to be done without deciding to do it first? I can't go a day without procrastinating. It really is a funny thing. A scary one too at that.

I should do this now and not for tomorrow. I should lose more weight. I shouldn't be so lazy all the time. I should do new things and find hobbies. I should change my morning routine so I can get more things done in the day. I should be more organized with my life.

Everybody suffers.

Strange isn't it? Always wanting to do more of one thing and less of another, wanting to change so our lives would be easier. Asking ourselves why we can't be a certain way. Comparing ourselves to no one butourselves. It's said that there's something completely different about being unhappy and more expectant of yourself that makes it seem as though it's completely different to being unhappy or expectant of other people. I've heard it all before. That toxic, overbearing mentality of always wanting to do better, always needingto do better. We all suffer from it, some more than others, some hardly ever. But it's always going to be there waiting to get the best of you unless you can gather yourself before it breaks you from the inside.

Me: 00, deteriorating mental stability: 01.

It's not fun feeling like that. When you don't have any words to explain how you feel but at the same time you knowwhat to say but can't phrase it. It's like the most ridiculous irony. But again, it's not great feeling like that because it means I have time to be alone with my thoughts whether it's for hours on end or not at all - I could sit in silence or 'go on about my day', whatever that means. Any attempt I have of tryingto be productive has been down the drain ever since it got worse which was around two years into the deterioration of my mental stability, I guess.

Every day is a struggle. Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

I stopped eating a week and a half ago. I don't even know if I was trying to starve myself or anything like that. I just stopped eating and resorted to an apple, an orange and a banana a day along with my meds. But I dropped it and resorted to eat whenever I felt like it which was not often. Just as I am selectively mute, I eat selectively too. It's usually go to the kitchen, get stuff outfor breakfast but never actuallyhave breakfast. Just my meds and a drink is all I run on.

All I ever feel like is the colour of the sky I mentioned in the beginning, after it's been raining. Pale white and slate grey, Then on every other day where I don't feel a cloud in the rain I feel like white noise. A mix of things that don't really make any sense and do nothing but clash, being a somewhat relaxing sound to some and an uncomfortable noise to others. Does it get lonely? Yeah, sometimes but the loneliness is the first thing you learn. The quick but sudden moments of realisation when it can be something that triggers you or just at random times and the reality of how alone you are kind of slaps you in the face, pulling you back down even further every time. You learn to get to used to it and do so quickly if being alone isn't something less of a normality - I'm always alone on some shape or form which can come as a plus.

Me: 01, deteriorating mental stability: 00.

But it's those '3:00AM' moments that aren't always 3:00AM when they happen but feel like it because they leave you restless. You're there, lying awake in some cases after you've gone to bed early because you're just so drained but don't exactly feel tired? Anyway - those moments are the scariest in terms of yourself. It's you in your rawest form as you try to ward off what I'll call the nightmares that plague your mind for lack of better wording. But, as expected you can't; if you could I wouldn't be mentioning 3:00AM moments. Hell, I don't think they'd be a thing if people were able to ward off their own nightmares.

It's scary because these are the moments that don't come often, they're the ones that lay heavier than anything because all it takes one small breath of air in the right direction to make the house of cards come falling down. The stuff that happens before that from then on becomes a complete blur and all you're getting are bad feelings and dark thoughts left right and center as if the tv is playing reruns of the same show, and the same episodes only differentiating after a week or so. It's scary because it's sudden, it's scary because it rains down on you like hellfire and burns. It's scary because it's like a ton of bricks coming to sit on your chest, making it hard to breathe. And it's scary because it's here one minute and then gone the next.

But even then that moment in time seems like forever because it's when everything weighs down on your shoulders at once. In those times I could lie in silence and think; well, just let my mind do the work and see what memory it has ready to show me. During those times my brain doesn't have a perception of what goes - I could remember something and feel a flurry of emotions, usually I'd end up letting out my stream of consciousness and just talk. The only time when I get to do such a thing being the person I am. I'd listen to songs that I don't listen to because of the feelings that I get, or I'd listen back to the logs I recorded and feel nothing but a flood mixed emotions, revisiting those feelings and crying some.

The next two or three days would be more like recovery days as I'd slowly get back to where I was before the 3:00AM moment.

I threw myself into an anxiety attack last week. Guess that's still a thing. Why now? After all these years?

Me: 00, deteriorating mental stability: 1000000

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